PART 6

CHEGWIDDEN RESIDENCE
MCLEAN, VIRGINIA
2350 ZULU

Harm and Mac walked up the front steps of the Admiral’s house for the first time ever as a couple. They had just returned from seeing Mattie. She had been so happy to see them, you could tell the poor girl hated being cooped up in that room – she had always been so carefree and independent – seeing her immobilized was painful, especially to Harm. They both knew however, that the pain they felt in seeing her was nothing compared to what she was going through. Harm had gotten a little while to get used to her that way, but Mac had felt a little uncomfortable. Strangely though, despite that uncomfortableness, she couldn’t help feeling a little bit of pride in being there. It made her feel like a real family – suddenly included in a part of Harm’s life that she had previously been denied access. They had talked for a long time and made plans to bring her back with them to London. Originally, they had hoped she would be ready to be moved this week, but the doctors weren’t going to allow it. She had come down with pneumonia two weeks earlier and they weren’t comfortable with moving her just yet. She could see Harm was crushed, and Mattie was just trying to be upbeat like she always was – trying not to make Harm feel any worse than he already did. ‘Soon’ they had promised her.

Admiral Chegwidden had insisted on hosting a party for them the night before the wedding, although both of them were a little hesitant – each recalling bad memories from the last time he had done that for one of them. Secretly, Mac was glad she was going to be surrounded by a lot of people tonight – it gave less opportunity for those voices in her head to tell her things she didn’t want to hear.

They stood on the porch waiting for the door to be answered and looked at each other with impish grins on their faces. Harm bounced up and down on the wooden boards, “I love this porch.” He wiggled his eyebrows as if evoking a comment from her, but she only smiled and shook her head slowly as if he was some incorrigible toddler.

Harriet opened the door for them with a squeal, “It’s sooo good to see you guys!” and gave them both a hug.

When they walked into the living room, Mac thought she might break-down right there and then with the group of people she saw assembled before her. Harriet and the Admiral had managed to track down pretty much everyone who’d ever been important to them. Harm’s parents were there, the Admiral, Sturgis and Varese, Harriet and Bud, General Creswell and his wife, even Cammie and Mikey. Harm secretly wondered whether the General had allowed them to develop a relationship or whether they were both just there ‘by accident’.

“Gunny!” she almost squealed as badly as Harriet when she saw her fellow Marine.

Harm gave him a friendly handshake and slapped him on the arm after Mac had given him a huge hug, “How the heck did they uncover you, Gunny? Or did Webb finally let you come in from the cold?”

Gunny smiled evasively, “Well, a little bit of both actually sir.”

“Yeah, I get it, you could tell me but then you’d have to kill me, right?”

“Pretty much, sir”, and then to change the subject, “and congratulations on your promotion by the way…”

At that moment, a familiar voice suddenly came out of the kitchen and added his own comment “… and on your engagement!”

“Tiner!” both Mac and Harm exclaimed in unison.

Mac ran across the room to give him a hug while Harm followed closely behind, overjoyed at Mac’s change in attitude and hoping beyond all hopes that maybe she was coming out of whatever funk she was in lately.

“It’s fantastic to see you, Jason.” Harm shook the young man’s hand, “So, are you graduated from Naval Justice School yet?”

“Yes sir, I’m stationed at the Trial Service Office in Mayport”.

“Well no wonder you look so healthy and tanned” nodded Mac, jealous over his Florida posting and experiencing her first twinge of regret at not having ended up in San Diego.

Harm picked up on the subtle thoughts running through her mind – he knew her too damn well. “That’s OK Mac – I hear the sun comes out in London every once and awhile too…”

“How the hell is Jolly Old England, anyway?”

Harm spun around and immediately grasped the Admiral’s hand. “Admiral” Harm said with satisfaction “It’s great to see you”.

The Admiral was grinning ear to ear. “Likewise Rabb. I never thought I’d see the day…”

“What’s that sir? The day that I finally got married?”

“No, the day that you finally made Captain! For awhile there, I was pretty sure you were going to start to go backward in rank.”

Harm shook his head in defeat while everyone else had a good laugh at his expense. “Touché” was all he could muster with a slight smile.

Harm then took Mac’s hand and brought her over to where Frank and his mom stood.

Harm actually blushed shyly as he said with a smile, “Mom, Frank… I’d like you to meet Mac… uh, Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie”.

Harm’s mom smiled graciously, “That’s OK darling, I think I’d prefer to call her Mac if that’s alright – it’s the only name I’ve heard come out of your mouth for the last nine years…”

Harm gave his mom a threatening smile, “Don’t start, mom…”

Mac gave Harm a sideways glance as she shook Trish Burnett’s hand good-naturedly. “It’s an honour, ma’am – I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Likewise dear, now just turn that ‘ma’am’ to a ‘mom’ and we’ll be all set.”

Mac put a protective hand to her lips to stifle her emotions at that comment. “Thanks,” she said recovering with a smile, “I’d like that… but it may take some getting used to.”

Harm put a protective arm around her shoulder. “And this is my stepfather, Frank Burnett.”

Frank smiled at her happily, “You are just as beautiful as Harm told us.”

“Fraaaaank….” Harm blushed again.

Mac had trouble letting this part sink in. He’d not only talked to them about her before they’d gotten together, but he’d told them she was beautiful? The thought made her giddy. She looked up at Harm admiringly… wondering once again how she’d finally been lucky enough to make this man hers. “I could sure use a drink,” she said honestly.

Hours later, after the two had gone around greeting their friends and collecting drinks, they had all somehow ended up sitting lazily around on the couches reminiscing of the old times. Mac sat close beside Harm with her fingers interlaced in his. Harm had one foot propped up on the Admiral’s coffee table.

All was going well until someone decided to get the bright idea of delving into the history of their relationship. Mac couldn’t fault them for it – most had worked alongside them for years and she could completely understand their need to know answers to questions they’d had about them all along. It was just that she hadn’t really gone there that much with Harm yet, so she was hoping this conversation wasn’t going to lead them into uncharted waters.

“Uh – oh” was all Harm could say. He let his head sink to the back of the couch and stared at the ceiling in surrender when he realized this was going to turn into a rather disarming game of relationship ‘20 Questions’. “Well, we’ll try to answer you, but you have to understand – we don’t really know what the heck went on there for awhile there either.”

Harriet was the first to jump in, “ME FIRST! OK -When did you two first realize you had feelings for one another?”

Harm looked at Mac with a questioning smile but she beat him to it “You first, Flyboy.”

“Oh great” he breathed out heavily – “now there’s a loaded question.” He rested his head on the back of the couch again and talked to the ceiling “Sometimes it always felt like I had feelings for her of some form or another – right from the get-go.”

“Well that was pretty damn obvious Rabb – especially for those of us standing three feet away,” the Admiral broke in. “How about telling us something we don’t know?”

“Yeah, but that isn’t fair because when you first met me all you could see was your ex-girlfriend who’d just been murdered!”

Harm chuckled “Well, I must admit – that did throw me off a bit at first… but you have to understand – you and Diane were completely different. It didn’t take me long at all to get used to you being you and not Diane.”

Harriet steered the conversation back on track, “OK – stop trying to evade the question councillor…”

“I’m getting there, I’m getting there!” Harm shot back defensively, then he turned to Mac with a shy smile, “I guess I’d have to say I knew I had feelings for you that night on the weather deck when you told me you had a tattoo.”

Tiner broke in “You have a tattoo?! Where?!”

“Ahem”, Harm put his arm around Mac defensively, “It took me nine years to find out where that tattoo is, and I’m not about to give away that bit of intel without a fight.”

“OK – your turn next Colonel.” Coates was loving this game.

Mac didn’t have to think about her answer, “I knew I had feelings for you when you looked at me in that river bed while we were being chased by the crazed poachers. I still remember exactly what you said, ‘Mac, I will get you through this… I promise’. The way you looked at me…” she dropped her eyes and smiled before shyly looking up to meet his gaze again, “…well, it left no doubt in my mind that you would be true to your word… and you always were”.

There was a round of teasing “Awwwww’s” from the crowd. Harm gave them all a narrow eye stare as a warning. “Hey – you were the one’s that started this game.”

“That’s right dear, and we intend for it to continue,” countered his mother. “Now let’s get to the good stuff – when did you realize you were in *love*?”

Harm groaned in pain. Everyone seemed to be waiting for him to reply and when he realized this, he shifted his position on the couch uncomfortably – his eyes darting back and forth defensively between Mac and the crowd. “I don’t know! I think it turned into love somewhere along the line without me even realizing it! I know I noticed something was up when I got so jealous over Dalton… but I don’t think I realized it at the time. Same as there were a few times there… well looking back with 20/20 hindsight I’d have to say I should have known I was in love, but I think I was in denial.” He laughed nervously.

“C’mon Rabb – fess up and stop dragging your ass. Answer the God-damn question!”

Harm eyed the Admiral warily – apparently he had no friends in this game. He took a deep breath and looked at Mac with a helpless laugh. “OK, well the first time I can definitely for sure say I knew I loved you was when we were saying good-bye in my office – when I left to go flying.”

Mac took a sharp breath and smacked Harm in the arm “Damn you – I *knew* it! I *knew* you purposely evaded my question!”

“What did he say, what did he say???!” Harriet couldn’t contain her excitement.

Mac crossed her arms in front of her and played the crowd like she was in a court room. She was starting to feel much better, and bringing up all these memories, with all of their old friends and some new ones, was making her feel like her old self again. “Well, we were saying goodbye. We were talking about the time earlier when I had left JAG to work at a civilian law firm with Dalton and I compared his leaving to mine. He said my leaving had been different because I had been in love…”

Harm leaned his head into his hand to cover his eyes, knowing what was coming.

“…When I replied with ‘Well aren’t you?’, *you* said…” she looked at Harm intensely, trying to burn her eyes through the back of his hand and forcing him to answer for himself.

Harm didn’t even look up, he just replied weakly “…‘What’s love got to do with it?’”

A sudden surge of angry boos emanated from the crowd and Harm was immediately pelted with a barrage of cheesies, pretzels and various snack foods.

“HEY!” he tactically covered his head with his forearms to defend against the incoming projectiles. “That’s not fair! I was leaving to go flying – I was going to Pensacola and then to a carrier for months!” He turned to look at her. “As soon as you said that Mac, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks – I thought ‘my God, I *am* in love!’. But almost as quickly as that realization hit me, the realization of making a declaration like that and then bolting out into the middle of the ocean for God knows how long wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I had to have my head about me and it wouldn’t have been fair to you…”

“Booooooo”. Harm, was immediately pelted with more snack food. He leaned back into the couch, crossed his arms and began to sulk.

“OK Sarah – you’re next.” Even Frank was encouraging the game.

Mac grinned from ear to ear when she looked at her sailor acting as vulnerable as a little boy. She decided to be nice to him and leaned in a little closer, “Russia.” was all she said.

Harm looked up at her through his eyebrows questioningly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah” she grinned. “I remember specifically sitting there in bed, watching you curled up on that awful chair you insisted on sleeping in…” Her gaze drifted off to another time fondly, “…you were having a bad dream. You called out for your dad, and then you called out for me. It sent electricity through my whole body. You looked so beautiful while you slept and the thought that you were thinking of me… well, I suddenly caught myself picturing you as the father of my children and how much I wanted to protect you from everything. It was then that it hit me - just like you said - like a ton of bricks. I suddenly knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt and I thought…” her tone quickly changed from wistful to stressful, “CRAP! How the hell did *that* happen?!”

The crowd broke into sudden laughter, once again at Harm’s expense, as he tried to suffer a wounded look, but now it was only for effect. Mac leaned over and kissed him on the nose.

Sturgis took his turn “OK, so why the hell didn’t either of you ever act on it? I mean, I understand the fraternization issue and all, but surely that wasn’t the only reason?”

Mac chimed in defensively “Well I *tried* to act on it – one time in Australia if I do recall…”

The Admiral almost choked on his beer “Oh please! Don’t take me back to Australia, for the love of Pete! I thought you two were going to give me a *coronary*.”

Harm and Mac looked at each other solemnly, but Mac continued. “Well, I gave him a sort of ‘out’. I suggested that we weren’t in Washington, so technically…”

“Mac, that didn’t wash – that would have technically been a one night stand as we wouldn’t have been able to continue it once we got back to Washington…” he suddenly stopped, knowing what he had just committed himself to saying. “… and I… well, I knew that one night… wouldn’t have been enough for me.”

There was a deafening silence in the room as if everyone knew they were intruding on a private moment.

Harm realized the awkwardness of the situation and hastened to move the conversation along. He looked down at his hands in his lap. “Anyway, I knew that I wasn’t ready to face the scenario of losing you as a partner once we got back to the States. And if you recall, I said ‘Not *yet*’, not ‘No’. So chalk that one up for the defence.”

“Sir, are you feeling a little ganged up on?” Tiner joked.

“Damn right I am!” Harm laughed. “Yeah, I may have been a little evasive at the beginning, but that was only because I wanted to make sure that when we did get together, we did it right.” He turned serious again as he looked at Mac. “I just didn’t want to screw it up I guess, but in trying to do that, it just got screwed up more.” He took her hand in his and light-heartedly tapped it a couple of times on his thigh, trying to force a smile.

Something in Mac just suddenly broke when she comprehended what Harm had been saying. For years she had blamed him for not being ready to commit to her - even though she knew he had feelings for her. She had always chalked it up to his ‘cocky jet-jock’ need for independence or an innate fear of commitment. She’d never considered that he wanted her so badly, he was afraid of screwing it up and losing her altogether. She suddenly felt her heart sink into the pit of her stomach when the realization hit her – *it had been her fault all along*. She had always been trying to change the man by getting him to say a specific thing that she wanted to hear, when all along he’d been trying to show her and she’d just been too headstrong to see it – ‘telling’ was just not Harm’s way.

Harm had always been a man who felt that actions spoke louder than words and she *knew* that – why then had she been so focused on getting him to say something that he’d been showing her consistently all along? She’d been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, when all she really needed to do was pick up a round peg. All those times that she went to other men because she wanted to punish Harm for being an immature coward, it was really her that was being immature – reacting out of some unhealthy need for retaliation. Harm had always been the one with the thoughtful and honourable intentions- she had been weak and vindictive. She suddenly felt sick and a little warm. A thin sheen of sweat seemed to break out on her upper lip so she wiped it away quickly. She couldn’t let herself go to pieces here in front of everybody, but all she wanted to do was get out of there and get some air.

The Admiral caught on to Harm’s attempt to lighten the mood and decided to take matters into his own hands “So you’re saying that this whole thing could have been resolved years ago, except that you fumbled every pitch she ever threw at you.”

Harm got defensive again – he was starting to get into this game. If he hadn’t been so wrapped up in defending himself, he might have noticed that Mac had suddenly gotten a couple of shades paler. “Now if I remember correctly, *I* was the one that kissed you the first time – on the dock in Norfolk… WAAAY before Sydney…. and *you* were the one that didn’t catch my pitch!”

“Woah, woah, woah!” Mac was making a valiant attempt to play along and hoping for an opportunity to excuse herself. “You weren’t kissing me – you were kissing Diane!”

“You KISSED her that night!” Bud was astounded. “How did I miss that?”

Creswell threw up his hands in defeat, “OK, you guys are really losing me now. Crazed poachers, murdered ex-girlfriends… you two have had quite the… uh, interesting career at JAG … something makes me think I’m really glad I wasn’t your CO until much later.”

“Humph” replied the Admiral gruffly “Tell me about it”.

Bud explained the events of the night that Harm had confronted Diane’s killer on the dock at Norfolk.

“… and how the hell is it that I never learned that one of my senior attorneys had almost committed a murder?”

“Uh, pardon me Admiral” Mac looked at him knowingly, “but would you really wanted to have been read in on that one?”

AJ just scowled, “No.”

Bud continued with the ending of the story “But the amazing thing was, because the Colonel was in one of Harriet’s Navy uniforms, Holbarth thought she was the ghost of Diane come back from the grave! He was so frightened he backed himself right up to the edge of the dock, fell into the water and was crushed immediately by the hull!”

Creswell jumped in with incredulity, “I see, so you suddenly found this so romantic, you had to kiss her?”

Mac smiled. “No sir, it was just that I looked so much like Diane, Harm couldn’t resist kissing *her* goodbye... I guess because he never got to…” She looked at Harm. “Right?” Harm just looked guiltily back at Mac. It took her a second to realize he wasn’t agreeing with her. “Harm? You *were* kissing Diane that night, weren’t you?”

“Uh, no Mac, I wasn’t.” He looked up at her through his eyebrows, they way he always did when he thought he might get in trouble.

Mac couldn’t have been more stunned if Harm had suddenly grown a second head. “What do you mean?” she said numbly.

“Mac, I kissed *you*, because I was suddenly overcome by what you had just done for me. I had been on the verge of killing another human being in cold blood. I had done everything in my power to push you away and off the track and yet you still followed me – and in the end, saved me from myself. I loved you for it – like I said before, I only know that now in hindsight – but God Mac, I was totally overwhelmed with thankfulness and… well, whatever. When you said that you thought I was kissing Diane, I was a little stunned… and I guess hurt. I figured you had said that because you didn’t have the same feelings for me, so I just let it slide. I thought it was the easiest way to save face and not put an awkward kink in our relationship.”

It was then that Harm suddenly registered the colour of her face and realized this was a mistake. He wasn’t sure why, but she had that haunted look in her eyes again. At that moment, Harm knew without a doubt that things were about to get very bad.”

END PART 6