Title: A Momentous Decision

Author: CB/Choebe ( superjagcb@yahoo.com)

Rating: PG-13.. for one particular reference to something that takes place later in the story but I am pretty sure it’s G for the most part.

Disclaimer: not mine, never will. I just used them for my, and hopefully your, entertainment. They’re DPB’s, Belisarius Productions, Paramount and CBS’s. Not getting any money for it. If I did, I wouldn’t worry about my house and H&M would be having a wedding soon.

Spoilers: everything up till present episode, every spoiler that is out might be a spoiler too but I think in both cases, the spoiling is minimum.

Summary: Mac POV. Harm, Mac, a baby and Harriet are come to play in this drama like story. Not angsty really, just drama. It’s set somewhere in the future. Say September 2005.

Feedback: positive and building criticism is very much appreciated, and even wanted. Negative, nah, don’t bother.

Thanks to Rebel for getting me straight on the American language. Sorry you had to suffer the format and getting it mailed back to me. Poor thing. Glad we got it worked out. Thanks for other things too. You know the reason. ;o) You’re the best, girl.

A/N: I had this ‘situation’ in my head for a while. It’s actually about me. Or something that might come up in my future. Maybe. The thought has been there though.

But it would also fit in Harm and Mac’s life so I decided to ‘try’ and write a story about it. Try, since it is quite a tough topic, especially for me. I am not medically taught nor do I claim any medical experience in this situation ( I do have some medical experience but that isn’t about this topic at all). I even wondered if I would let someone who is good with fanfics write this story since I didn’t want to tackle it myself but eventually did want to try it. So, here it is. I hope you like it.

Oh, p.s. this might be a woman-only story. I don’t think many men will feel this is something for them but..you never know. I am not saying guys aren’t allowed to read it. It’s just a very feminine topic. And don’t expect any action.

Also, the reason why I wrote this in Mac POV is to make it easier for myself. Since I am kind of Mac in this fic. I seem to be able to put myself in her shoes and think the way she would think, in a situation like this. At least, I get that feeling and its how I wrote it. Plus, I like writing in POV. Any mistakes that are still in, are totally mine!

Anyway, on with the story.

CHAPTER 1

Well, that’s it. Verdict in. The curtain is closed. The water is gone. Whatever. I won’t have a baby of my own. My Ob/Gyn just confirmed it.

Not that I didn’t have an idea myself since we tried ever since we got together. And well; a year later, and still nothing happened. But hearing it and seeing it on paper just closes the deal, doesn’t it?

Of course, it wasn’t a done deal when we started trying but my doctor told me there was hope. ‘The sooner the better,’ she said, when I had my laparoscopy over a year ago. I did some reading and yes, the sooner you start trying after the diagnoses of endometrioses, the better the chance. Well, we tried and it didn’t work. Now the chances are all gone.

Harm will be devastated. I am, too. This is a big shock. Of course, we both thought it might not happen for us; but this confirmation just closed the deal. I know Harm will take it hard. After being a part time dad to Mattie, he just knew he would love to have a child of his own. And I know he hoped that it would happen. Maybe not the first 6 months but I dare bet he had this tiny flicker of hope that it would happen eventually.

And I feel pretty rotten, too. I had so wished that I could give Harm his child. Our child. It was in both our minds from the moment we made that pact, now six and half years ago. If neither of us was in a relationship, we’d go halves on a kid. Oh, how I fantasized about it. A little boy with his smile and my complex… Or a little girl with dark curls, also with his smile but more his complex. I could see it all happening. Harm being overprotective of his little girl and showering her with all the attention and love he had. Or playing hoops with his little guy, taking him flying and all.

Yup, I had it all worked out in my mind. Never thought my body wouldn’t corporate with me. Well, not until last year when the diagnoses Endometrioses fell.

Harm has been a great support. At first I couldn’t comprehend it completely. Sure, I knew what it meant, but getting my heart to go along with it was a whole other matter.

When Harm became so protective of me and practically always there, I thought he was just overly concerned. I never thought he was pursuing me, or at least not for the right reason. But I was so wrong. A couple of months after that, I finally understood his motives. And, I went with the flow. We started dating and I was in seventh heaven. Just like Harm; who was grinning all the time, finally the world seemed so much brighter.

It wasn’t long before he proposed to me and I couldn’t say anything else but a convincing ‘yes.’ We also both decided that with time running out on my fertility and we were not getting any younger, so we’d try to work on our deal. I must say, all that ‘working’ was quite an adventure. I doubt that both of us thought ‘baby’ during the process.

Our wedding was perfect. Harm looked more than stunning in his Dress Whites. Ok, I admit, I <I>am</I> a sucker of Dress Whites and the Gold Wings are just the cherry on top of the whipped cream. And by the look on Harm, he definitely liked my wedding dress. It was pretty simple actually. Ivory satin on the top; which consisted of a fancy corset with little rose buds. I had opted not to wear a veil but instead had a crown made of real ivory colored roses that were woven into my hair, with a dressed-up pony tail coming out of it. I think Harm didn’t see anyone that day but me. I caught him looking at me all the time. Not that I didn’t have my eyes on Harm practically the whole day but still. That look. It made me even weaker in the knees than when I was standing so nervously in front of the altar saying a whispered ‘yes, I do.’ Many cried their eyes out that day; including myself and Harm. Yes, it was a perfect day, a perfect wedding. One I won’t ever forget.

That was a good four months ago and I have been a happy wife ever since. Well, being pregnant would have made it even better but that isn’t likely to happen anymore. By what I heard today; I might need a hysterectomy soon because my endometrioses just got worse.

I am now on my way to the J.A.G. Office in Falls Church. I still come here often. My work at the Capitol is pretty flexible and I try to have lunch with Harm as often as possible. When we got married, it was obvious one of us needed to transfer out and General Cresswell wanted us both out but eventually we managed to find an other way. I got in contact with Congresswoman Bobbie Latham and she offered me a job at the Capitol. It’s actually a very interesting job. I am part-time translator and part-time lawyer for both civilian and military law. I could even stay in uniform since Bobbie arranged for me to still be a Marine and in the service per my request. How she did it, I don’t know but now I am part of the Norfolk base. I don’t care. I am still in the service.

I don’t get sent out that often and if I do have to leave the city, I will only be as far away as the West Coast. Harm has joined me a few times. He’s been having several cases on the West Coast. Since the San Diego JAG Office closed down and they asked for headquarters’ help until a new solution could be found. Being away from the hectic place D.C. is, we used our time there to see Harm’s parents and to relax. Next to doing our jobs of course.

Plus, we figured; when we became parents at least one of us would be home to take care of our baby. Mostly I, since I was the one with the minimum amount of traveling. And I’d gladly do it, but once again all my hopes for nothing. No child will come between us or our jobs. General Cresswell will be so happy, I’m sure.

I’m almost there. The building Harm and I have had so many memories of looms up before me. I suck in a deep breath, leave my car and enter the impressive building. Gosh, I love the smell of this place. Mostly the smell of paper and ink but for me, it brings so many memories. Both good and bad. Harm and I both know I miss this place, but I must say; I can’t complain about my new office. It’s pretty impressive and with a nice view.

Harm is working hard. I see him hunched over a big pile of folders, a frown marring his forehead. Gosh, he is so handsome. Even at his age, he is one sexy man. I love him to death. I feel guilty for coming here and confronting him with my news. He wanted me to though. He explicitly asked me to come by and inform him of how things went. Normally he would have joined me but he had a very important court case this morning and that he couldn’t postpone.

I must say, I missed him during the appointment. I would have liked to have his shoulder to cry on. I haven’t cried yet since I left Bethesda. I wouldn’t allow myself. I told myself to be strong. And like I said, the news didn’t come as a surprise. We both saw this was coming. We just didn’t want to believe it. As long as it wasn’t confirmed, it didn’t exist, right?

Wrong. It would have been so good to be able to squeeze Harm’s hand and to get in his arms once outside, but work got in the way. Well, I better go tell him soon because he just spotted me and is waving me in. Ok, here goes.

TBC

A/N For now it looks like I will post a chapter every other day, but it might turn into a daily posting.

Disclaimer, see chapter 1.

CHAPTER 2

I’m sitting on the couch, cuddled in Harm’s warm arms, leaning comfortably against his chest. We’ve been quiet all evening.

After I entered Harm’s office earlier today, emotions were flying around. Even before I could tell Harm what the doctor had told me, my water floods opened and I was engulfed in Harm’s embrace, crying my eyes out. He comforted me and soothed me and told me everything would be ok. After my obvious display of distress; I could tell him that no, not everything would be ok. We wouldn’t be able to have a child anymore. It was too late. Our chance was over.

I could see Harm’s eyes starting to water, too. But he stayed brave and kept soothing me, drawing little circles on my back, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

It was exactly what I needed at that point. He said we’d be ok in the end but would discuss it later. He, however, didn’t find the energy to work anymore after that and got personal leave for the rest of the day. So, we went home together.

With a cup of tea, we settled on the couch and started talking about it. Well, I did most of the talking. I told Harm all that had been done that morning and tried to relay to him the whole speech the doctor had given me. About how to handle it, for as much as she could help with that, to what options were still open. She gave me leaflets about adoption and the suggestion to read it through and let it sink in a little. Also, how and when a hysterectomy came into play. To hear you really can’t have kids is terrible, but I am still not sure what is worse. Hearing you are not able to have children anymore or hearing you need to have a surgery in the near future where they’ll remove your uterus.

Harm let me know that for him children were a secondary objective. Of course, he hated it that we wouldn’t be able to see our own child grow and have the joy of being parents. But what he really didn’t like was the surgery that would happen to me. That was what pained him the most. He said that not only did I have to suffer to the knowledge I’d never become a mommy, but on top of it, they were taking away a part of my body. An organ that is as feminine as it can be.

I told him that, that kind of surgery is as common as can be and wouldn’t be a risk. At least not much. But he didn’t want to hear about it. He just plainly hated the whole thing. For my sake mostly. That’s Harm. Always thinking about others.

So now, here we sit. Snuggled into each other, watching a popular TV show. The stress of today has wound down a bit. Dinner was also spent in silence and then we retreated to the couch. Harm wrapped me in his arms and after laying a kiss on my head, turned on the TV.

Now a comfortable atmosphere surrounds us and I think we slowly adjust to our childless life. It’s only been today, so I would be naïve to think the pain and feeling of loss is dealt with, but I feel like we are adjusting. The pain of earlier today has vanished and I feel that both of us start to have peace with what the world threw at us. Of course, it helps that this has been on our minds from day one. We only didn’t have the confirmation. Now we do. But I feel like we will be fine. It will always be a missing space in our lives, but we have each other and we will come out of this stronger than ever before.

That things would change soon, wasn’t something we thought possible but there is Harriet to the rescue.

Disclaimer, see chapter 1.

CHAPTER 3

After our marriage, Harriet and I had become very close. We had been close before, but things had been cooled down over the years. Until I told the office that Harm and I were engaged; somehow, that brought Harriet and Bud closer to us again and I loved it. I missed having a girl friend in my life. Up until the wedding, we were together often. After the wedding, the contact stayed in tact. Especially now that she had become a full time mom and with my flexible working schedule, we met each other often. For lunch, either with Harm or/and Bud or without, or we went shopping. Four kids needed a lot and I saw it up close and personal. Besides, the kids kept me on my toes and I enjoyed spending time with them.

I had told Harriet somewhere between my engagement and wedding that I suffered from endometrioses. Harriet was all sympathetic and supported me the best she could. It was really nice of her. It felt good to share your female problems with another woman sometimes and Harriet was there, to listen.

She also knew that Harm and I were trying for a baby and kept asking how things were coming and if there was any news yet. She also was disappointed after another false alarm and came carrying brownies to my office the day after.

She’s been an amazing friend, and so has Bud.

A week after the ‘bad news’, I told Harriet about it. We both sniffled and hugged through lunch. Harriet was clearly upset by it and was very sorry for both me and ‘the Commander’. She also repeated several times that she knew how much we wanted to have a baby, how much my maternal instincts came up and that both Harm and I wanted to become parents. That we’d make good parents was never a question to her since she knew and saw how we were with her children but she really didn’t like the fact that it would never happen for Harm and me. She too, was suggesting other options.

I told her that adoption was not our first choice. Of course, we’d love to give a child a home and love, but when it came to it our dream had been all about our own children. ‘Harm’s looks and my brains’ kind of scenarios and it wasn’t easy to give up on it. She also suggested we’d go looking for a ‘birth mom’. We could do that sure, but the idea of letting some strange woman carry our child was just plain weird. My doctor had also talked about it. She guaranteed me that before doing the hysterectomy, they could extract some of my eggs since they were still intact and freeze them for later use or for In-vitro to replace in some other woman’s womb. At the time, the whole idea just didn’t sit well. Making a baby in my book ( and also Harm’s) didn’t consist out of using needles and a laboratory. If it didn’t work the normal way, then we’d not think about it (yet).

Several other things passed during the conversation and eventually we left lunch with smiles on our faces. Yes, it was good to have Harriet back and to have her bubbly personality around me.

Disclaimer, see chapter 1.

CHAPTER 4

Another week later Harriet called me at my office. She sounded excited, yet a little hesitant and asked if we’d like to come by that evening. She and Bud wanted to say something important and liked to do it in private. Just the four of us. She even told us that her parents were in town and would babysit their children so that we could speak without interruptions.

Of course, I’d like to get together but her weird tone of voice had me alert. I had no idea what was going on but we would learn it later.

I called Harm at his office and told him about the plans. I had told Harriet that as soon as Harm got home, we’d leave to go to the Roberts’s house and would be there around 7 pm.

So later that evening, once Harm had changed into his casual cloths, we left for Falls Church for an evening with the Roberts.

When Harriet opened the door, we immediately noticed her trepidation but also her beaming smile. Whatever was wrong, it was something good if either Harriet or Bud’s faces were any indication.

As always the evening started pleasant. Some snacks were spread out on the table and Harm took some nuts while he and Bud were discussing the latest Cresswell rumor; while Harriet and I were chatting amicably, munching on the chips.

At a certain moment, there was a silence and some glances were shot between Harriet and Bud, that Harm and I had no idea what they meant. Then both Harm and I were floored when Harriet said, without warning:

“I discussed it with Bud and we both agreed I should do this.”

There was a pause and Harriet opened her hand for Bud to take, who squeezed it, as his way to encourage her, “I’d like to carry your baby”.

Neither of us could speak. I looked at Harm with big eyes and I am sure he saw the same unbelief in mine. We were speechless.

Then Harriet continued, “You’ve always been there for us. When we lost baby Sarah, …”

A pause encouraged Bud to end the sentence, “when I lost my leg. You’ve both been responsible for us to becoming a couple and our getting married, even.”

Harriet nodded and went a little further, speaking to me directly, “If it weren’t for you, Mac, I’d never married Bud. And if it wasn’t for you, Harm, I’d never gotten over baby Sarah’s death”. A tear appeared in the petite ex-lieutenant’s eye. I’d noticed the wetness in her eyes.

“And sir, “ Bud took over, “ if you didn’t get me back into the job after I lost my leg, I’d never stayed with JAG. So… we’d both like to thank you for it by giving you the baby you both want. As a thank you.”

Harriet looked expectantly into our faces. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t hear Harm say anything either. But one of us had to say something, so as the Marine in this quartet I spoke the first word.

“Harriet, No. You couldn’t. I wouldn’t want you to.” I told her.

I was serious. There is no way I could lay this on Harriet. She was already the mother of four children; besides, I wouldn’t as her to take the chance. It’s just too much, a too big of an offer. I couldn’t accept it, could I?

Harm eventually piped in, too. He agreed that this would be too much, to ask of Harriet and Bud. He thought it was so incredibly endearing of them, but just too much. I agreed.

The offer made me cry. That this woman, this young woman I can call my friend would do this for me, would offer this to us was just too much to grasp. People weren’t that giving anymore. Harriet and Bud are dear people. Oh, we knew that. But even this was too big for them.

I told them just that. That the offer was even too much to think about, too generous for even us but Harriet and Bud didn’t agree. Harriet even said she’d asked her Ob/Gyn about it and told her it could be done. They could place a fertilized egg into Harriet’s womb for it to grow. It would take some calculating and some effort of both myself and Harm, but if we wanted it, it could be done.

But I couldn’t comprehend it and Harm also didn’t think it was worth it. A baby of our own is what we want but this was just…too much. It would ask so much of Harriet that it would not be worth it for her to go through it all again. All her pregnancies hadn’t gone smoothly and she’d have problems again like all her other pregnancies but she told us, she wanted to do it. If it would give us our baby, she’d do it in a heartbeat.

Eventually, when we kept on saying that we couldn’t take the offer, they made us promise we’d think about it, for as long as we needed to think. Harriet and Bud’s offer was genuine and for us to take our time deciding.

As we went home later, more out of shock than out of boredom, we promised them we’d think about it and would give our answer whenever we felt ready. They were ok with that, but told us once again this wasn’t a joke and they meant every word. Harriet even talked to other ‘carry/birth moms’ and said she would really like to help us out.

I think Harm and I were totally zombies when we reached our car. It took us quite a while to drive out of the driveway and the entire way home is one big blur.

When we entered our house, things started to sink in and both of us collapsed on the couch. Stunned, shocked, amazingly happy and feeling very weird we stared at the opposite wall. This was not happening.

But it was.

Disclaimer see chapter 1

CHAPTER 5

And like we promised, we thought about it. And thought about it, and thought some more about it. Harm checked the internet on stories from both sides, the family who would have the baby and the woman who’d carry it. Many stories were positive and there were a few where friends, or even mothers of daughters who helped out their loved one and carried their child for them.

It was even stunning to see how many women would help out a friend or relative just to make their dreams come true.

I, too, did my part in the search. I contacted my doctor and asked about the procedures, the experiences she’s had and what she thought about it.

Her reaction was very positive and told me that if I indeed had someone who was willing to carry our baby, then I should accept it. Give it a try at least. I was also told not to count on the first try being successful and was asked if the woman who would carry my child was willing to go through all that. It did ask a lot of not only the birth mother but also the new parents.

I was sure that both Harm and I would do anything to be there for Harriet. Whatever she would need, she’d only have to ask us. And we would also pay for the extra costs.

But I still wasn’t sure we should do this. The offer was amazing to say the least. And, we would finally have a chance to have our own baby. Harm and my genes. Our dream come true. It all seemed so surreal.

But could we really ask this of Harriet? Sure, Harriet offered but did she have any idea what she was offering? Would she be able to give us the baby once it was born? Would I bond with that baby since I didn’t carry it? At that moment, Harriet is the mother and I am a stranger, even with he/she having both Harm and my genes, would he/she still adjust to me quickly?

So many questions and I don’t have any answers. But I do notice that I am becoming open minded. Could I really do this? Could we let Harriet do this?

That day Harm and I had our own talk. He had brought the stories from internet with him; I had my own research papers laying on the table. We even wrote down all the pros and cons and reread them over and over. What stunned us the most was that the pros seemed to have the upper hand. There were so many good things to say about it, that it looked like the little note in front of us had won us over.

This might’ve been our only chance, so if Harriet is indeed willing; we’d like to try.

Both of us agreed that we should confront Harriet again and talk it all through with her. Maybe even put everything on paper, get it signed at the office by a judge, just like a contract. We’re lawyers; we can get it on paper. But we also vowed, we wouldn’t force Harriet. If she wanted to stop, we’d agree. If she wanted one of us, or both, with her for a certain reason, we’d be with her all the way.

By the end of the evening, both of us were smiling. Like little children on Christmas morning.

Our talk with both Harriet and Bud went smoothly. Harriet was still set on it and wanted to go through it all if it would indeed help us get our baby. She, too, agreed to a contract and she also promised she’d only carry the baby. She said she would know it wouldn’t be hers since there would be nothing of her that was a part of the baby. All the flesh and blood of this particular baby would be Rabb and MacKenzie. She knew all too well and had her mind set on it completely.

She was going for it, if that is what we wanted. And by some magical miracle, Harm and I had completely warmed up to the idea. We were going to have <I>our</I> baby and all thanks to Harriet.

How we would ever be able to pay her back? We had no clue but we were dead set on finding a way. And thus, our adventure started.

In a month time lots of things had happened. I had been to my Ob/Gyn and she was able to extract some eggs out of my ovaries. It hurt but that was the least of my problems. They ran the little eggs through several tests and they passed the exams. They should be good enough to get fertilized.

I had also been in contact with a couple who’s mother-in-law had carried a child of theirs and it had been an amazing experience. Also for the mother-in-law it was a whole new feeling to carry her own grandchild. Giving the couple their baby had been emotional but the mother-in-law had a special bond with the little boy that would have never be taken from her. Both mother-in-law ( grandmother) and the parents of the little guy were on cloud nine. They had all gotten their wish and it had been the most endearing experience one could ever go through.

Harm also had to participate for it all to work. An appointment with my gynecologist had been kind of weird for him. He was told to bring in a deposit in the following week and somehow the look on his face made me double over from laughter. When Dr.Baxter gave Harm his cup to fill, I about lost it. He looked at it as if it were some alien. Luckily for him, he was allowed to fill the cup at home, either with me or without.

By the begging look in his eyes, it had to be with me. I definitely had my fun out of that visit. And I can’t say I didn’t have fun making sure Harm got his deposit ready. It brought out a whole new level to our relationship. I am pretty sure Harm enjoyed it, too.

The next day I brought the little valuable cup to the doctor’s office for some testing and later that week I heard Harm’s little swimmers were an active bunch. She didn’t say it like that, of course, but I can read between the lines.

Then the exciting period started. Harriet had been tested too and the calculations started to when would be the best time for implantation.

In the mean time, the lab was working on our baby.

Well, starting to get an embryo going. I think I called the hospital every day. I was so anxious for my own good. So was Harm. Although he told me not to call the hospital daily, he still asked me every night if there had been any news yet.

It was weird though, thinking that at that moment they were working to get a baby just by injecting one of Harm’s sailors into my egg(s). It sounded so clinical. Still, love was present. Not present in the lab, but present in our hearts. We thought about it constantly, sending little messages from our hearts to that egg and seed cell and already fantasizing about the way the little one would be brought to life.

Dr. Baxter told us that they would likely fertilize several eggs and freeze them for later use in case the first try would go wrong. A chance that was pretty existent.

We were told quite firmly not to get our hopes up too much since in vitro doesn’t always work and a miscarriage is a very distinct possibility. But it was hard not to hope. And Harriet seemed to be a healthy woman and quite fertile actually.

Harriet was very excited, too. She was told to do and eat certain things not to jeopardize any chance of a miscarriage once the fertilized egg would be implanted and she was following all the rules.

Disclaimer, see chapter 1.

CHAPTER 6

And then came the call. The egg was ready to be implanted. An embryo had formed and was growing steadily. Harriet called soon after to say she was getting ready to go to the hospital. And as sweet as ever, she asked if we were ready. I was amazed by Harriet once again. She was going through all this and would be bothered with all this for 9 months. There was indeed no way we could thank her. All we could do was support her, so we packed our stuff and drove to the hospital.

She even allowed us to be present during the procedure and I got a glimpse of a see-through dish with something blurry lying on it. I became teary eyed thinking that was our baby. I sent a little prayer to it and hoped it would come out as a perfect human being in about 38 weeks.

The procedure was over before we knew it and Harriet said she didn’t feel much of it which made Harm and me feel much better about it. We were worried about that.

The waiting started. Harriet called me daily to inform us of the process and when two weeks later I had a crying Harriet on the phone, I knew it went wrong. We both blubbered on the phone and not soon after, I blubbered on the phone calling Harm.

Just like when I found out I wasn’t able to have and carry children anymore, getting the confirmation of what we knew might happen hit me like a cold shower.

With a little more crying and hugging, all four of us got over it and Harriet turned into a true trooper. As soon as the time was right again, she went through another procedure.

Harm and I were present again and again I sent a little prayer to that blurry thing in the small dish.

As before, Harriet called me daily and after two weeks, she still sounded upbeat. She told me that if nothing happened till next week, she’d have an ultrasound then.

The next week indeed gave no miscarriage and Harriet had placed an appointment with Dr. Baxter. Both Harm and I had taken off from work and joined her.

I think it was one of my best days of my life. We saw our baby!

As soon as the machine was placed on Harriet’s stomach, we saw a blurry screen with something moving on it. The smile on the doctor’s face was all we needed. Harriet was pregnant. Pregnant with our baby.

Harm grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard and I looked at him, seeing a big smile on his face. The moment was so tense.

When a beeping sound echoed through the room, a look of wonder passed both our faces. Harriet just grinned. It was then that I felt a thumb on my cheek. Harm was taking away the tears that had rolled down my face. But I couldn’t look at him. All I could do was stare at the black and white screen in front of me for their was my baby, our baby. Alive and well.

After hugging Harm and kissing the sense out of him, I turned to Harriet and gave her the biggest hug I had in me. This woman became so precious to me over the past months and what she had done now was beyond words. She kept on smiling and said that the look on Harm’s and my face was priceless. It made it all worth it.

Weeks passed by and little by little Harriet started to show. Our little baby did well and stayed put. Whenever I could, I went to visit Harriet and help out in any way I could. It was either to play with the children or to just help in the household.

During the evenings, Harm and I often drove to Harriet and Bud for some small talk or just to hear about her pregnancy experiences.

She told us that this pregnancy was different than all the others she had before. She hadn’t been nauseous or sick; she didn’t have any weird cravings and wasn’t gaining as much as before. She was a very beautiful pregnant woman. The only thing that made us all laugh was the fact that she loved Beltway Burgers now with a Caesar salad at the side. A true reminder that this was a Rabb-MacKenzie child, she laughed.

And we watched the ultra sound video. Harm and I had been trying to be present during every ultra sound she had and succeeded most of the time. There was one appointment where Harm couldn’t make it but I still joined Harriet and saw very much a baby on the screen. Every moment was so special and every movement made me speechless.

On a particular video the baby waved at us, or at least it looked like it. It was the video of the appointment Harm couldn’t make; so for him it came as a surprise. He looked at the TV screen in awe and I spotted a little wetness in his eyes. Grasping his hand, I entwined our fingers and gave him a smile. I got one of his awesome smiles in return. And I could hear Harriet sigh.

Once home Harm placed the tape right into the VCR and watched it again, and again. Every visit to the Gyn we got a tape and every time, Harriet gave it to us. We’ve watched all of them more than once but this tape was the most precious one.

Harm often tried to see if he could tell what gender the baby was, but couldn’t figure it out. Neither could I, but I didn’t want to know. Harm and I had discussed it and eventually we both agreed on it that this baby was such a surprise in itself, we let it be a surprise till the end. We didn’t want to know the gender at all.

Disclaimer, see chapter 1.

CHAPTER 7

At almost five months Harriet looked radiant. She thought so herself too and that was surprisingly considering her previous pregnancies had her on edge when talking about her appearance.

One day she came into my office. We had still spent many days together during lunch. Harriet wanted us involved in the pregnancy as much as possible and I couldn’t agree more.

This particular day, she entered my office beaming like a proud peacock.

Without saying a word, she grabbed my hand and placed it on her abdomen. When I frowned at her weird behavior ( I had touched her belly so many times that it became normal for me to touch it but so forward like this, that hadn’t happened before), I felt a soft flutter against my palm. My frown turned into shock and I pressed harder. At not feeling anything anymore I believed I had dreamt it but then it happened again, more steadier this time. I felt my baby kick my hand. It was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt.

I couldn’t get enough of it and kept my hand lying on Harriet’s stomach. For five minutes, my little girl, or boy, kept me entertained with the movements. Harriet said that the wonder on my face was very beautiful. She told me that was her first expression too when she was pregnant with A.J. I was so proud. My little baby was alive, and kicking.

I wanted to suggest that we’d drive to JAG to let Harm feel it when she told me that she had been there already. The baby had been very active today and for it not to pass, she had driven towards our offices to feel this. And she had succeeded. She told me she had felt it before but it had been always during the night so there wasn’t a chance she couldn’t let me and Harm feel it.

When the last words left her mouth, my phone rang. It was Harm, asking me if I had seen Harriet because she had something amazing to share. I could hear him smiling on the phone. And he could hear mine. We were both beaming with pride and happiness. And Harriet joined in, for she too was smiling a smile that lit up the room. Life was good.

Weeks turned into months and our baby grew like a cabbage. The past eight months have been one big dream. The kicks of our baby multiplied and so did the size of Harriet’s tummy.

Harriet was very happy that we had daily contact, for she had the idea that it helped me feel like the mother. I hadn’t missed anything Harriet went through with the baby and Harm had been present all but that one appointment he couldn’t make which was earlier in the pregnancy.

We both had talked to the baby through Harriet’s abdomen and Harriet and Bud came by our house frequently too so the baby would get used to our voices along with the sounds in and around our house. Harm even played songs on his guitar quite often when Harriet and Bud were at our place. Gentle tunes and soft chords. It sounded heavenly and our baby thought the same.

Once in a while Harriet said that the little one had been quite active all day and when in our home, it started kicking her all over. Harm would then play his song and the kicking slowed down, until all was quiet inside the womb. A true Rabb-MacKenzie.

I, too, quiet down when Harm plays me a song. It always sounds so heavenly and warm. And looking at him strumming the guitar makes me into this puddle of goo.

The last ultrasound showed us that the baby was already turning and almost in position. It was now touch and go. Harm and I were on the edge of our seats all the time. It could happen any time. It was still a little early but the doctor saw that the baby was fully developed already and since it had turned, would be ready to see the world any time now.

Harm and I had been busy the last month child proofing our house. We turned the guest room (next door to our master bedroom) into a nursery. We had it painted in pale yellow with the original Winnie the Pooh wallpaper border. The furniture we chose was ivory with wooden parts. We both loved it at first sight.

Harm just made a little carrousel for above the crib. It is so fitting. He made all the original main Winnie the Pooh characters and hung them on it. He even put a little music box in that has the tune of Winnie the Pooh. Did I tell you I love Winnie the Pooh? Well, I do.

Those original paintings are just beautiful and I once told myself if I would ever have a baby, I wanted a nursery with that theme. And now we have one.

I even found some original drawings at a fancy fair not so long ago. They’re now hanging on the walls decorating the totally adorable nursery. Harriet agreed that it was perfect and very cute. Plus, since we don’t know our baby’s gender, it’s not for a girl or boy only.

Although, seeing the little Bi-plane Harm placed in the room, you’d think it would be a boy.

That was Harm’s first item he put in the room. His miniature bi-plane ‘Sarah’. He took it out of his office at JAG and placed it on the training potty in the nursery and with all the yellow, it looks like it was made for the room.

Since Harm had his toy in the room, I couldn’t let anything from my side be missing from the room. So to represent my interest, I have this really old dinosaur bone that I found when I was dinosaur hunting with Uncle Matt back in Red Rock Mesa. It’s been a special bone to me ever since; so, it seemed the most logical thing to add to the baby’s room.

There is one item in this room that Harm and I worked on from the moment Harriet got pregnant. It’s a photo frame for five pictures. Four of the spaces in it are already filled in which we placed pictures from the ultrasounds. The one with the baby waving at us is one of them. The fifth space in the frame is still empty. We’re saving it for the first baby picture which will be added soon. I hope. I can’t wait.

I am so ready to have this baby and I think Harriet is ready to be freed from it, too. She has been amazing this entire pregnancy. She is happy that this pregnancy was the easiest she’d ever gone through but the last weeks are just too much. You see it on her. But really, she has been amazing.

I really feel she is very ok with what we’re doing. I am sure she was a little worried when we agreed to it considering you never know what will happen, but seeing Harm and I very happy made it a lot easier. And I still have no idea how to thank her.

Ok, Harm and I agreed to give the baby the name Harriet, as a middle name, no matter what gender. Just to honor her and thank her.

We also agreed she would become the baby’s godmother. She isn’t aware of this yet but, it’s the least we can do. We hope she appreciates it. We don’t want her out of this baby’s life. She is very important to this baby, and to us. She’ll be a big part of this baby’s life. I am sure she’d like that. And the name will always place the baby in connection with Harriet. Yes, I think Harm and I did good by coming up with that.

And now we’re waiting to hear from Harriet, or Bud. Yesterday Harriet called me again and she whispered that she had the feeling it might come today. She had a dream about it. I hope she is right.

I am very curious what our little baby will look like. Will it have Harm’s nose, or mine? Will it be healthy? I sure hope so. The doctor told us that the baby was healthy for the moment so that is already a good thing. Will it be a daddy’s girl or my little Flyboy? Will it have lots of dark hair or will it be completely bald? How will it feel to finally hold our baby in my arms, to see this tiny human alive? Oh Harriet, please call soon.

Harm is home, too. He asked for some personal leave since he didn’t want to miss the baby’s birth in case it would happen today. Luckily it’s a Friday so in case labor starts today but our baby won’t be there until tomorrow; we are free without calling in sick or asking for leave.

Harm and I have been hugging each other almost the entire time. I think in these past nine months we’ve grown even closer together than humanly possible. We are two of a kind. We have become very open. And having the baby to look forward to has brightened our life visibly. It seems that the love we have needs to be shared with others, with our baby.

At this moment we have so much love to share it’s actually scary. We’ve never been this open about our love or displayed it so publicly. Even our respective co-workers are surprised at our behavior, but didn’t think much of it anymore after Harriet was in her sixth month.

No one will ever be able to grasp the influence this little baby has on us already or the importance it has brought to our lives. All of a sudden this baby has become our reason for living. And I can speak for the both of us when I say that it suits us perfectly.

Oh no, there’s the phone. Harm has already got it. Yup, it’s time to go. Let’s rumble.

Disclaimer, see chapter 1.

CHAPTER 8

Am I nervous? Hell yes. Anxious? Totally. I don’t know how long we’ve been here but it feels like days. I know it’s only Saturday but we have to face it, we’ve been here over 24 hours already.

We came here last night. I think Harm even passed the speed limit… times five. He didn’t want to be too late, he said. Well, we weren’t too late. Harriet had been brought in just before we arrived and she was indeed dilated.

But she stayed at 3 cm ever since and so; here we are…waiting for our child to make an appearance. We’ve been in and out of the room numerous times. Dr. Baxter told us that if by tonight nothing had happened, they would break Harriet’s water.

I hoped they had already done that but…nope... nothing. Harm is getting us some coffee and Harriet is now taking a nap. Boy, what she is going through, just for us. It’s amazing. I can’t say it often enough. She knows though. She even told me to ‘shut up’ earlier today and just enjoy it. I am not sure if it was Harriet talking, or the contractions. Harm just grinned.

Harm gives me a cup as I see the doctor appear. She’s going to break Harriet’s water to further the contractions along. Finally…some action. I pull Harm by his sleeve and pull him with me. I’m going in.

*-*-*-*-*-*

I’m speechless. I am totally, honestly speechless.

I am a mother. Harm and I are parents. Harm is a daddy. I’m a mommy. I have tears streaming down my face ever since I saw the head crown.

It’s way past midnight now and I am sitting here with my baby. Boy, it’s been quite an evening.

***FLASHBACK***

Once we had entered Harriet’s room, Bud was supporting her for the procedure.

I ran to her side and grabbed her hand then Harm stood behind me, hugging me to him.

And indeed, the contractions grew worse and harder, increasing her dilation.

The birth was actually pretty fast, or I lost track of time once I saw the head of our baby, because then it was in my arms in no time.

I have no idea how much time elapsed from the moment I heard the doctor say ‘push’ and I getting my baby put into my awaiting arms. I know it was past midnight for I heard a far away ’00h17’ but I had lost track of time… yeah, I know, hard to believe. The walking clock losing track of time.

I think shock was the right word. I was shocked the moment I saw the little baby slip out and be placed in my arms. I know Harm cut the umbilical cord but I am pretty sure I missed everything from that moment on. Well, everything but that little bundle in my arms, Harm hovering over me.

In that short period of time I became a mother. A mother of a beautiful baby girl.

Ok, so I was this girl’s mother from day one but this was the first time I got to hold her, feel her, see her. Miraculous doesn’t even come close to describing our daughters birth.

I cried. And so did Harm. Happy tears, lots and lots of them. We’re finally parents. We’re parents. Something both of us hadn’t thought would happen to us anymore. But we are. I have the reason for it in my arms.

Seeing her made all our expectations look pale. She is more than we could ever think possible. She is absolutely beautiful. She has Harm’s lips and my nose. A big bunch of dark hair on her head and she is tall. She’s absolutely perfect.

After I held her when she was born and Harm cut the cord, she was taken out of my arms for a check-up and I immediately missed her, felt a loss inside of me. Luckily the pediatrician told us we could come along and Harm took off after him right away. I stayed behind.

For the first time looking at Harriet after she gave birth to our daughter. Our daughter. Wow, it sounds so beautiful. Harriet looked exhausted but the smile on her face told me she was happy and when she told me exactly that, I just cried harder and gave her an enormous hug. I thanked her for what she did for us, for giving us the chance to have this absolutely amazing baby, for all she did. She whispered how happy she was for us in my ear and I looked back at her, seeing tears form in her eyes too. Then she ushered me out to go see my daughter. Be there when they do the check-up on her, she said. I nodded, gave her another hug and then ran off in the direction the doctor had gone.

And there she was, crying away on the scale, nude and unhappy. That cry tore my heart apart but also filled it with warmth. Harm was hanging over her, talking softly and soothingly to her. I heard the doctor say she had a 10 on her Agar score and after being dressed she then was placed in Harm’s arms.

He was then confronted with what happened. He was holding his daughter in his arms, cradling her against his chest, looking at her misty eyed. I joined him and side by side we watched our baby squirm, both of us with tears streaming down our cheeks.

I’ve never been so happy in my life. Harm turned to me and with a whispered ‘thank you’, he kissed me. Our little girl between us, curved between his broad form and my lighter one.

When we looked back at her, she had dozed off in her dad’s arms. I think my heart filled with even more love. For both my husband and our daughter.

It took a while for us to join Harriet, Bud and Dr. Baxter again but they all understood. Bud came looking at our girl when we walked back in and had to agree that she was a very beautiful girl and congratulated us. It was weird, actually. His wife had just given birth but he was congratulating us.

Then it was Harm’s turn to go to Harriet. He delicately handed our baby to me, then rushed to Harriet to thank her, kiss her and thank her again. I’ve never seen him saying ‘thank you’ so often before. But I could understand. I likely blabbered the same way.

I went to Harriet too after Harm was done with his thanking and asked Harriet is she wanted to hold the baby that was inside of her all this time. Harriet accepted immediately and I placed our little baby girl in her arms. And then we heard it again, a real ‘Rabb-MacKenzie’ baby. I could only smile a watery smile and nod while Harm just grinned away apparently agreeing wholeheartedly.

She introduced herself to the baby calling herself auntie Harriet. More tears formed in my eyes. Harriet was really too good for this world. So amazing to just act like an aunt when she had just given birth to the child.

Then she asked us the question no one had asked yet: “What are you going to call her?”

I looked at Harm and he nodded, that proud and loving twinkle in his eye still very present. Boy, was he a happy, and proud dad or what?

We had chosen several names, both for boys and girls but one in particular stood out. Luck must have it that it was a girl’s name and we had a daughter.

I looked at our little bundle and said the name softly. “Madeleine Harriet Rabb”. It seemed to fit perfectly and I felt Harm join my side, hugging me to him again. Looking up in his eyes, he leaned down and kissed me again. “Perfect,” he responded when he looked at our girl.

And Harriet. Well, she was surprised. I think she hadn’t expected to use her name in our baby’s name, but we just had to. When Harm added that we’d like it very much for both Harriet and Bud to become the Godparents, they beamed back at us. Now it was their turn to cry. And they thanked us instead. When we explained it was the least we could do, they just said that it was more than they expected and were very pleased to become a part of the baby’s life.

Harriet looked back at the baby in her arms and kissed the head delicately, then whispering “Welcome to the world, Madeleine. I’m going to keep a good eye on you like a godmother does. And be nice for your parents, ok? They deserve you.”

She handed back our little girl and when she was cuddled in my arms, Harriet added a sweet “ I love you, honey”.

Not soon after, the doctor offered us a private room. We could enjoy our baby then and Harriet could get some sleep.

After bidding farewell to Harriet and Bud and telling them we’d be there the next morning, Harm, Madeleine and I went to a warm, pleasant looking room. There was a crib set up and two comfortable chairs.

***END FLASHBACK***

And that’s where we are now. I had given Madeleine her bottle of formula earlier and now she is fast asleep, still cradled in my arms. I just can’t let go of her, or not look at her. She is so perfect, so beautiful. My idea of our child was never as perfect and beautiful as this little girl in my arms.

Harm can’t get enough of her either. He’s been touching her ever since we entered this room. Either he is tracing his finger over her soft cheeks, nose, eyebrows and lips, or he is caressing her little head with the soft dark locks. All the while he is still holding me, too. I have been kissed a lot this evening as well. I am not complaining. I have the two most important people with me: My husband and my absolutely breathtaking daughter.

Funny. The moment Harriet had suggested carrying our baby, I was very skeptical about it and thought it wasn’t even a good idea but now, holding said baby I must say that she exceeded every expectation I had and would recommend the experience to others. This is just amazing.

And if it wasn’t for Harriet, I might not have done it but she is the best birth mother possible. And she did it all for us. I didn’t see any regret in her eyes, nor hear any regret in her words. I think she indeed was completely sure about what she was doing. And it must be so hard to give a baby up that you’ve carried around for 9 months. But Harriet didn’t seem to mind. Actually, I’d say she didn’t mind at all. She seemed genuinely happy when we had our baby in our arms. And she again told us that seeing our faces was all it took to confirm for her it was worth it all. It was enough for her to make us happy and make her feel right with her decision.

Both Harm and I will be forever thankful for having the chance of having this baby. She’s our little miracle, our bundle of joy. Our daughter Madeleine Harriet Rabb.

Harm and I look at each other once we’ve taken our eyes of our daughter. He smiles at me and my heart beats just a little faster. Just when I see him come closer, he mouths ‘Congratulations, mommy’ against my lips and then plants a sturdy kiss on them. I smile in return and when he releases me, I lean my forehead against his and mouth back “Congratulations, daddy”.

We both turn to look at our sleeping girl and I sigh a happy sigh. Harm hugs me to him and then tells his little girl, who already has him wound around her little finger, “Welcome home, Madeleine”.

Life is finally perfect. I’ll never forget this momentous decision.

THE END

A/N: The title is taken from a quote:

<i>Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  ~Elizabeth Stone </i>

I thought it was such a sweet quote and very fitting for this story, that I made a title out of it.

It was quite a pleasant story to write. I love being in Mac’s body and speak for her. I wish I could do it for real, then I’d have her say “I love you, Harm”, then kiss his socks ( and boxers) off of him and make them become a couple for life. LOLOLOL

It was also a very touching story for me personally. I have much respect for birth mothers who carry children for those who cannot their selves. It must be really quite a gift to give that baby up to please others. But it might be the only chance for some ( like myself, in case I want a child some day). I hope you enjoyed this story like I enjoyed writing it.

Writing it was actually a spur of the moment thing but I got it on paper in no time. Proud of myself actually. LOL.

Still, I hope I brought the story to life in a satisfying manner. Like I said, I wasn’t sure I was able to write this and bring it across the way it should be brought across.

I thank you for reading and sticking with me. Love, CB