FANFIC : WHISPERS OF LOVE

By CB/Choebe and Phoebe

Disclaimers: They are not ours, won’t ever be ours. We’re just using them for our entertainment. They’re DB’s and Paramount’s but boy, if they were ours, we wouldn’t be having all this angst!!!!

Spoilers: All up to Hail and Farewell, pt 1 are fair game.

Rating: PG-13 ( to be save. There are some strong words used), S ( for shippery)

Summary: Post Hail and Farewell, pt 1

A/N CB ( superjagcb@yahoo.com): This story came alive after a MSN session. My total frustration about Harriet being the match maker plus romantic and nr 1 H&M shipper ( she has never suggested anything like that) and Phoeb’s idea that Mac must feel terrible seeing a pregnant Harriet are the basics for this story. It wasn’t always easy writing it ( It IS hard to crawl into characters and see everything from their POV) but it surely was fun. A new way of writing a fic. Lots of mails, lots of rewrites, lots of time, lots of … whatever. LOL. Phoebs, you were fun to write with. I dare believing, I was hell. ;o) When we ever feel like it, I’d love to do a joint fanfic again.

A/N Phoebe (colonelphoebe@yahoo.com): Well, it’s been a trip, I tell ya! The both of us on the same page for once! LOL. Since not much is going on in real life, JAG is bound to be the topic of any good MSN session. Hail and Farewell was both hopeful and sad. I remembered some one on the voy board saying that even though she had two healthy children now, she still felt troubled by seeing pregnant women even years after her own medical problems were overcome in that department.(if I remember it wrong,or make it sound too easy, I apologize) On a very mini-scale I can relate and I just thought it would be really hard on Mac to see Harriet pregnant again.

CB and I were kind of ‘tired’ of Harriet, but in the end…..well..i guess you’ll just have to read it. It has it’s dramatic moments, but we hope a laugh here and there too but mostly, love, in any shape, kind or form.

General A/N: This story was completed ( read: beta’ed) about 2 weeks ago, and started somewhere in June, but couldn’t be posted before. Phoebs decided she wanted to go on holiday first and didn’t want to miss out the feedback. LOLOL. Plus, we didn’t want to post parts of an unfinished story. You never know what real life throws at you. There might be similarities with other fanfics. Just chalk it up to coincidence due to it being another post-Hail & Farewell fanfic. No copywrite infringed. Scout’s honor. LOL.

At the end of the story, another author’s note, to clarify some things. If we do that now, the story will be spoiled. ;o)

Feedback? YES, we live on feedback. Feedback makes you heart warm, makes you continue, makes you happy. Though, it would be nice to get negative ones in private if you feel so inclined to let us know.

Thx to: Christine for beta-ing. All other mistakes that are still there, are entirely ours. And, I bet we used writer privilege. 

PART 1

1136 EST

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

July 13^th 2004

Mac waited impatiently for the elevator to stop. For once, she was thankful to have an inbox filled to the max and she welcomed the opportunity to bury herself in her work. Anything to take her mind off her last doctor’s appointment.

Other officers got in the elevator, none of them in a hurry. Mac’s loud exhale caused quite a few stares, and a frown, when she rolled her eyes back clearly irritated. Two more floors.

It wasn’t that she had gotten particularly bad news today. Just more of the same. ‘Not impossible, but not likely either.’ She was also getting tired of being poked and prodded. She looked at her watch and cursed under her breath. She had forgotten about a meeting with the Admiral.

The elevator reached it’s destination and Mac rushed out just as a Marine Major rounded the corner. She slammed into him full force, knocking the wind out of her.

Not what her body needed right now.

“I’m sorry.” She breathed as she gingerly bent down to pick up her briefcase.

“No ma’am, my mistake. Are you alright?” Seeing Mac wince as she straightened.

“I’m fine Major.” Mac replied curtly. “No harm done.”

‘Could this day get any worse?’ She wondered to herself as she made her way into the bullpen. Frozen by the scene before her, she stopped dead in her tracks and muttered. “Of course it can.”

** **

Everyone in the bullpen was huddled together. Their attention focused on a very pregnant Harriet Roberts. This pregnancy obviously agreed with the former Lieutenant and she clearly didn’t mind being the center of attention.

From across the bullpen, Mac watched people touching Harriet’s belly, laughing, oohing, and awing over some ultra sound pictures. There was something that drew people to pregnant women. Something about new life giving hope, making everyone feel happy. That is, everyone but Mac.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and hurried towards the safety of her office. Missing the look of understanding from the one person that noticed her. She quickly closed the door and the blinds. Walking around her desk she let herself drop into her chair, then rested her elbows on the desk before covering her face with her hands. She could not share this joy.

** **

Congratulations were going around. Harm couldn’t help but smile at Harriet’s delight.

She had come to meet Bud for lunch, but since no one in the office had seen her since she took terminal leave, there was no way they were just going to let her walk out again. Harm suspected Harriet had taken this into account and had come early knowing Bud would be in conference till 11:45. Harriet was telling the crowd how Bud had reacted when they found out the sex of the babies. His smile wavered for just a second as he took in the ultra sound pictures and realized he might never experience this. And then he felt her. Standing up, his eyes zoomed in on her and his heart ached. In her eyes he could see the hurt, what ever he had felt a minute ago she ached a thousand times worse. He knew before she started for her office that she wouldn’t join them.

“Harm, did you see the pictures yet?” an excited Harriet interrupted.

“Yeah. Yeah , I did. Congratulations Harriet.” He hugged her lightly. “If you keep this up you’ll be able to form your own seal team.”

Thankfully Harriet laughed and was loving the attention so much she didn’t notice Harm’s hasty retreat.

** **

A soft knock on her door. God she hoped it wasn’t Harriet. Maybe if she didn’t reply she’d get the message. No such luck. Her office door opened and she could hear the laughter coming from the bullpen making her stomach turn.

“Hey, Mac.” His familiar voice drifted towards her, calming her somewhat.

“Not now Harm, please.” He could tell she was holding on by a thread.

“Later?”

“That would be nice.”

“19:00?”

Mac nodded.

“Everything okay?” He couldn’t help but ask.

“As much as they can be.” She sighed. “See you tonight."

PART 2

1905 EST

Mac’s apartment

Georgetown

Washington DC

Mac opened the door after his first knock.

“Sorry I’m late.” Harm apologized as he wrapped his arms around her.

Mac gave herself up to his embrace. Sucking up the strength he offered.

“That’s okay. I just got home.” She briefly tightened her arms around him and then slid out of his stronger ones. “I missed a meeting with the Admiral this morning.”

She started towards her bedroom but Harm held onto her hand. She turned back to his questioning gaze and smiled shyly. She quickly stood tip toed and brushed her lips against his. Every once in a while she would still get overwhelmed by the fact that they were really making this work. She stepped back again but Harm shook his head.

Mac raised an eyebrow, but grinned when he said;

“One more.”

And she complied.

“Now, let me go and change out of this uniform.”

** **

Harm busied himself in the kitchen while she quickly showered and dressed into comfortable sweats. When she came out Harm was almost done stir frying their dinner.

“I thought you were gonna bring take out?” She commented as she sat down at the small kitchen table.

“I thought we could both use some real vitamins. Here you go.” He placed a plate in front of her and frowned at her obvious lack of enthusiasm. “If you finish your plate I’ve got a surprise waiting for you in the freezer.”

“Does this surprise have anything to do with chocolate?”

“Of course it does, Mac. After a day like this, what else could I buy?”

Mac smiled tiredly. “You’re the best.” She placed her hand on his cheek and kissed him, and then again just because now she could.

“Eat, Sarah.” Harm said softly as he sat in his own chair.

They ate in comfortable silence. That is, Harm ate. Mac occasionally took a bite but mostly she moved the food around on her plate. Her thoughts were far away. Deciding to draw her back to the here and now, Harm started up a conversation.

“So, was the old man very unforgiving?”

“Huh?”

“The Admiral.”

“Oh, well, not really.” She took another bite when she saw that Harm wanted her to continue.

“He will lighten up eventually, Mac.”

“Easy for you to say. He likes you!” Mac sounded exasperated, and she quickly stood up to empty her plate.

“He’s just used to running a tight ship.”

“So, what? I’m not equipped to sail with you NAVY men?” She hissed.

Harm counted to five and then calmly said. “Don’t pick a fight, Mac.”

At first he thought she was going to argue back. But she swallowed whatever remark she had planned and turned her face away. He could tell by her posture that she was upset and he knew it had nothing to do with their new CO.

He moved to stand in front of her and placed his hand on top of hers.

“Mac.” His other hand reached up to brush her hair aside and he could see she was close to tears. He pulled her into his embrace. “Come on Mac, let’s snuggle on your couch.”

She let him guide her to the couch in the living room where they did exactly that. Harm sat in the corner and Mac snuggled against him. He easily draped his arm over her shoulders and occasionally kissed her hair. After 15 minutes of silence Mac started.

“You think it’ll ever happen for us?” Her voice sounded small.

“I don’t know, Mac.” He whispered. “I hope so. We still have hope.”

She was quiet again. Harm turned a little so he could hold her even closer.

“I don’t deserve to be a mother.” She suddenly whispered.

** **

Harm pulled away from her, startled by her admission.

“What? Why would you say that?”

Mac looked away, ashamed of her own thoughts.

“Any child would be lucky to have you as his mother!” Harm stated. “Why, why don’t you..” He shrugged unable to make sense of her lack of self esteem.

“This morning, when I came back.” He had to strain to hear her. “I saw Harriet and I,” She paused. “I couldn’t, I tried but I couldn’t_”

“Feel happy for her.” Harm finished for her.

Mac sat up, shock evident on her face.

“Yes. How did you know?”

“When I saw the ultra sound pictures I had to tell myself how great it was for them, that they deserved some happiness after all they’ve endured. But then so do we and maybe we’ll never.” He trailed of, unable to voice that thought.

Mac nodded sadly and wrapped her arms around him, resting her face against his chest. She took a deep breath and sighed. He understood, they were in this together.

“I couldn’t feel happy for her at all.” Mac could feel the first tear roll down her cheek. “At that moment I, I hated her.” Harm kissed her forehead and ‘shushed’. “I’m awful. I’m supposed to be her friend, the godmother of her sons and I wanted her gone. I couldn’t stand to see her so, so happy.”

She started to sob against his shirt and all Harm could do was hold her and let her cry, his own heart breaking, sensing the hurt that flowed from her.

“I wanted it to be me. I mean why her? She has two beautiful little boys already and now she’s having twins.” She sniffed. “I know it is wrong of me to feel this way. I know that after Bud’s leg and baby Sarah they do deserve this, but every time I see her or any other pregnant woman, I feel like I can’t breathe, like someone’s got a hold of my heart and is trying to rip it out.”

Her tears kept falling. They wouldn’t stop for a long time. Harm had to swallow the lump in his throat a few times, willing himself to be strong for her. He rubbed her back and whispered into her hair that everything would be alright. Even though he wasn’t sure himself.

“It hurts Harm.” She whispered against him.

“I know, honey. I know.”

** **

Mac sniffled against him for about an hour. Just when Harm thought she was falling asleep, her stomach demonstrated its unhappiness and growled. Mac looked up at him, her eyes and nose red from crying, but there was a hint of a smile.

“Let me guess,” Harm quipped. “Even though you did NOT finish your plate you now feel entitled to that chocolate surprise I’ve got stashed in the freezer.”

“You know me so well.” Mac sniffed. “O God, I sound pathetic.” She admonished herself. She brushed away the remnants of her tears and sat up straight. “Now, get me my chocolate before people get hurt.”

Harm grinned and got up to get the Marine her food.

PART 3

1047 EST

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

August 20th

A knock on his door made Harm look up from a file he'd been reading when he called 'enter'.

"Hi, you got a minute?" Mac asked, while opening the door and stepping inside.

"Sure, take a seat. What's up?" he asked, a soft shimmer shining through his eyes, he gestured toward the chair in front of his desk for her to take a seat.

"I need a rain check on tonight. Harriet asked me over to her house. With Bud on the USS John Stennis she could use a hand with the kids. Her pregnancy is forcing her to take things more slowly now." Mac explained, looking apologetic.

"Are you sure?" Harm wondered out loud, thinking about her struggle seeing Harriet pregnant.

The last few weeks Mac had gotten her emotions somewhat under control but he still knew it was hard for her to look at a glowing Harriet carrying two bundles of joy while she was left with a feeling of loss.

After their talk at her apartment six weeks back, Mac seemed to have settled into a more comfortable place week by week. There were still moments where her emotions got the better of her but she finally started to feel happy for Harriet, albeit reserved. Still, Harm wasn't sure if she was ready to be confronted directly with two boys running around the house and a Harriet who was showing her 6 months, carrying twins.

In the office, when Harriet visited Bud on a weekly basis, Mac had shown her interest and pleasure but Harm always saw the wishful expression in her eyes, her intake of breath when she saw yet another stack of pictures, either of the unborn twins or little AJ and Jimmy, and the forced smile. He was really worried about what would happen when they were both in the same room, in the Roberts' home none the less.

"Yeah. That tummy must really be starting to limit her these days. I want to help out. I'll admit it might not be easy, but I'll be damned if I won’t try. Besides, my problems aren’t her fault." Mac assured him, giving him a sweet smile she always gave to comfort him.

Harm could still see the doubt in her eyes, and the way her lip curled, but trusted his Marine. If she said she could do it, he knew not to doubt her.

"Ok. But if something is wrong, or if you need anything, you know my number. Use it. I'm only a phone call away." Harm sternly told her. "Are you coming over later tonight?"

"Yes I know. Hard to forget” Mac nodded, “And, I'm afraid not. I'm going to my apartment afterwards," she said and added quickly; " but I'll call you when I get home. And I'll make it up to you later!"

Harm looked at her intensely, a grin starting to spread on his face. "So you will, huh? Whatta ya have in mind?" His eyebrows shot up in a suggestive manner.

"Well, I've heard it is gonna rain tomorrow. Perfect weather for.... you know." She smiled seductively and a blush crept up her cheeks, while she diverted her eyes looking everywhere but at him.

Harm’s grin became a full force smile as he cleared his throat to get her attention. “Aha, so I’ve heard.”

Hearing his low voice, Mac’s eyes turned to Harm’s in a heated gaze.

“Can’t wait.” He hummed.

Not wanting to get too much into their play, Mac stood up making a quick retreat. Amused by the obvious yearning in his eyes, Mac shot a sultry ‘Bye Harm’ in his direction. As she moved around the corner, she heard a low growl follow in her tracks.

** **

1935 EST

Roberts's Residence

Falls Church, Virginia

Same Day

"Thank you for coming ma'am. I really appreciate it. These two are becoming a hand ah, belly full," Harriet said patting her large abdomen, "and AJ and Jimmy are too hard to handle on my own these days." Harriet added, putting away the dishes.

Mac had arrived just in time to hear AJ’s yelling, and little Jimmy's wails echoing through the house. Although most people would not appreciate such a chaotic moment, Mac couldn’t help smiling to herself at the sounds of young life permeating the house, even if they did leave her feeling a little melancholy.

This seemed to be a life she wouldn’t have, sounds she wouldn’t hear and although she tried her best, her happiness was still very limited.

From the moment she had set foot in the two story house, there hadn’t been a quiet moment. AJ was calling out to show off his drawings. Jimmy was trying to walk around the table, falling every now and then followed by a loud wail. And of course, Harriet talked constantly.

However, after dinner, Jimmy showed signs of exhaustion and was promptly put to bed in his crib. AJ had settled down as well and had begun a new drawing.

When the final pot had been placed in the cabinet, the house seemed to be quiet. Harriet was rubbing her large tummy and looked at the scene unfolding around her. She observed Mac who looked at little AJ but seemed to miss what he was doing. Her gaze seemed to be on him but her mind somewhere else entirely.

Before Harriet could say something about it, little AJ looked up and zoomed in on his Godmother.

“Aunt Mac?” No answer came. He tried again, louder this time, dragging her name out; “Auntie Ma-ac?!”

Mac was shaken from her reverie when she heard her name coming from the little guy’s lips. “Yes honey?”

“Look what I drawed.” AJ glowed, observing his own work, not seeing the look his mom gave his aunt over his not quite yet skilled use of verbs.

Mac smiled at Harriet and then went over to see AJ’s latest work of art.

“Wow, that’s really good, AJ. That’s mommy, right?” Mac asked, looking at the family portrait he had drawn on his paper, pointing at the female person with an extremely large belly.

“Yeah, and that’s daddy. He’s holding Jimmy ‘cause mom can’t anymore.” The little guy explained, “ And that balloon there has my baby brothers in them. They can’t come out yet so they have to be in there a little while longer ‘till they can come out. That’s what mommy said.”

“I see”, Mac replied, seeing the fantasized world of a 5-year old, “That’s really sweet of you. You did a very good job.” Ending with a rub on AJ’s head, ruffling his blond hair, AJ having the proudest smile of them all plastered on his face.

Mac turned towards Harriet, “Have you thought of any names yet?”

“Not yet. But I sure know that Bud is not the one picking them this time. That Star Trek thing he pulled on me with Jimmy is NOT gonna happen again. I’ll make sure of that. Thankfully, Bud agreed. “ Harriet replied, still fuming when she thought about the day Mikey, ah, Mike had let slip the reference which she, until then, was unfamiliar with.

Mac grinned and shook her head at the memory of finding out last year Bud had failed to mention that James Kirk was a character of his beloved TV show Star Trek. Vowing to herself that no matter what, her child would NOT get named after some TV show, or movie, character.

Her child. A child she likely would never have. Harm’s child that she would be unable to give him. All joy was sucked out of her in that instant.

Harriet spotted Mac’s tense stance and could swear her eyes were starting to water. Before she could comment, a heavy push in her lower abdomen made her gasp.

“Harriet, what’s wrong?” Mac asked immediately when she heard the ‘oof’ coming from the Lieutenant’s mouth.

PART 4

“The babies. I think one of them just kicked me, hard. Actually, I think this time I can exactly tell which one it is.” Harriet smiled remembering her last ultra sound barely a week ago. Rubbing the right side, she also noticed movement starting at the left. “Oh gosh, ma’am, feel this, two at once!.” Excitedly Harriet pulled Mac towards her, grabbing her hands and laying it against the spots Harriet had just felt the kicks.

“There, you feel it?” Harriet bubbled, a smile lighting up her entire face. Mac’s expression clouded over when she felt the flutters against both her hands, indicating a foot, or hand, or both had just kicked against them.

“Oh ma’am, you really should experience this!” Harriet continued, going off in her own happy world, missing the frown on Mac’s face and the cloud of pain darkening her eyes, indicating the storm they were hiding.

“Harriet _” Mac started but was interrupted by another movement deep inside the womb that made Harriet go all mushy again and over flown with happiness.

Mac extracted her hands from Harriet’ stomach, and turned around leaning against the sink, unable to feel the movement any longer and experience with Harriet.

Even though Mac thought she’d be able to handle it, and keep her jealousy at bay, she wasn’t prepared for this to happen, for the impact it would have on her. But it did. Her stomach started to turn, and her eyes welled up. Not wanting to show Harriet her feelings, she took a deep breath and stared out the window, trying to keep her tears in. She succeeded.

Harriet was first oblivious to it all by her sudden experience of feeling both the babies this active but soon saw the returned tension around Mac. An idea struck her.

“Ma’am, I’ve been thinking. It’s been a while now since Mr. Webb’s death.” Seeing the look on Mac’s face, she instinctively stepped closer, quickly continuing before Mac could interrupt.

“I know it isn’t any of my business, but if you’d like to start dating again, I know a really nice doctor. Single, tall, handsome, I think you’d like him.” Harriet finished, shyness gracing her demeanor.

After a deep breath, Mac started to shake her head; “Harriet. I appreciate the offer but, no thank you.”

“He’s really nice. Good husband material too.” Harriet continued, thinking that Mac’s emotions were from lack of a potential daddy, or husband for that matter.

She hadn’t seen Mac dating, not even now, close to 4 months after Webb’s death. She knew Mac wanted a baby some day and she was happy to help find a man who could help Mac with that. She thought Mic was perfect for Mac. He was nice, a good man, funny and intellectually equal. But for whatever reasons, the wedding was called off and Mic had moved back to Australia. She thought it would happen for Mac when Webb had shown interest. Mac seemed happy and pleased with the gifts she had gotten from Germany. Harriet had been hoping that he might have been the one. But he died unexpectedly, leaving Mac alone again.

Harriet noticed a change in Mac soon after the Admiral’s Dining-Out a.k.a. Retirement Party, but hadn’t seen a man in her life as of yet. Harriet also hadn’t missed the secret wishful looks directed at her enlarged tummy and saw that as a woman who was ready for a baby.

Every nice and handsome man that crossed Harriet’s path was seen as a potential boyfriend for Mac and she wrote it in her imaginary notebook for later use.

Now she felt like the time was right. Mac seemed to really crave a baby and so a man had to be the problem, surely she could help out a little by sharing all the addresses she had long since filed.

Little did Harriet know that the man to become the father of Sarah Mackenzie’s baby wasn’t the problem, but the baby itself was.

“Harriet, no, really.” Mac replied, twisting her Marine Corps ring around her finger, unable to look Harriet in the eye.

“I will see him early next week. You want me to give him your number?” Harriet babbled on, unable to stop herself, “I think he would really love to go out with you. You two would make a very nice couple. Think about how your kids will look.” Her enthusiasm rubbed off on AJ who started to jump with excitement. “Yes auntie Mac, you getting an uncle Mac. I’d love to get an Uncle Mac.”

Shaking her head, Mac tried one more time, feeling her resolve falter with every passing minute and AJ’s excitement didn’t help any. “I.. I’m not sure. Honestly, you don’t have to. I…”

“Hold on, I am going to get his number. You could call him, set a date and all.” Harriet rattled, waddling towards the den to get the phone book, AJ on her heels.

Mac was lost. She didn’t have the energy anymore to go against it, to tell Harriet that she didn’t need a man, she already had Harm. And that it would always BE Harm.

Yes, it was a secret that she and Harm began a relationship not long after AJ’s retirement party but why did Harriet really feel the need to see her with someone now? The events with the twins today had really taken its toll, and now with Harriet pushing for a date, she was too weak to stand her ground.

By the time Harriet returned with the phone number, Mac had lost all fight and couldn’t do more than accept the proffered piece of paper and nod.

“So you’ll call him? On second thought, just wait. I’ll tell him about it on Monday and let him call you. That’s far more romantic, don’t you think?” Harriet was again all excited now, a strange image compared to Mac who now stood like a rag doll, close to tears.

Moving on auto-pilot, Mac finished out the evening at the Roberts’ Residence, laying AJ in his bed, reading him one final fairy tale and after watching some non-descript documentary with Harriet, left to go home.

Then it all came crashing down once again.

As soon as she opened the door to her Corvette and took a seat at the driver’s side, the events of this evening became too much and tears rolled down her cheeks, sobs wracking her body.

Not only had she seen all the excitement of a house filled with little feet, but had also felt a baby’s movement up close and personal and ended up with a blind date with some doctor Harriet knew.

Starting up the engine of the red vehicle, she shifted gears and drove off. The roads ahead only a blurred vision. What should have been the way to Georgetown ended up being the direction of Union Station. She needed TLC, and lots of it.

** **

1113EST

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

Washington, DC

Reading his latest file, Harm sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard when he heard a soft knock on the door. Looking at his watch and confirming the late hour, he frowned and put the file aside.

Getting up from his bed, he came down the steps and hurried to the door, opening it with a whoosh. Expecting it to be Mattie, he was surprised when his eyes showed a certain Marine instead of his ward.

"Mac? What..." Harm stared at Mac, seeing the red rimmed eyes and traces of moisture on her cheeks.

"I got a date." Were the first words that came out of her mouth and without knowing how it happened, she was in his arms in a heartbeat.

He felt her sobbing against his broad chest, the wet spots being chilled by her breathing. His hand softly caressed her hair as he whispered words of comfort in her ear.

Even though he had no idea what brought this on, he didn't want to question her yet and finally pulled both of them towards his couch where he sat down, taking her with him.

After what looked like hours, but in reality were just minutes, her sobbing slowed down, her breathing evened and she finally looked up at him.

Besides the obvious concern, she could also read questions in his eyes. Pushing herself partly off of him so she could face him directly, she settled herself in a comfortable position and cleared her throat.

Harm still looked intensely at her, and silently brushed away the last tears that still lingered on her lashes, giving her the time to collect herself and start her explanation.

Leaning into his hand that still lay against her cheek, she kissed the palm and then turned towards his eyes again. One last swallow gave way to the emotional words he'd hear from her.

She started her story from the moment she arrived at the Roberts' door. The whole evening unfolded in his mind, a vivid image created by her words, and he could see when the downward spiral started. The baby kicking experience made him squeeze her hand to show her his understanding.

Thirty minutes later, she had told him her whole nightmare, ending with the line she greeted him with the moment he opened his apartment door.

“So, I ended up with a date. Harriet is going to tell this doctor to call me to set a date. I just couldn’t stop her anymore. I… I really couldn’t. I’m sorry.” She finished, her eyes watering up again.

Harm’s heart tightened in his chest at the thought of what she had been through this evening and that he couldn’t make things better for her. He hated that all he could do was show her his support.

“It’s ok, honey. It’s ok. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Is there something I can do?” he asked, just needing to know that if there was something, then he would do it in a heart beat.

“Like what?” Mac whispered, not trusting her voice anymore, her eyes locked on his once again.

“I don’t know. Anything?”

“You could tell me what I should do about that date.” She said, biting her lower lip, her eyes showing all the doubt that lingered behind the surface.

“It’s all up to you. Do you want to go?” He inquired.

“No.” Her answer was firm.

“Then don’t. No one is forcing you.“ He told her caringly, drawing lazy circles on her hand he still had a hold of.

“The only reason I would consider it, is to kill the scuttlebutt in the office. Keep things away from the Admiral. I don’t want him, or anyone for that matter, to catch onto us yet. I don’t want to explain things, or defend myself. I just don’t feel up to it.” She told him more certain now, seeing one good side to this whole dumb idea.

“It might be a good idea.” Harm agreed, “Stupid but the scuttlebutt is a bitch and you’re right, ‘Us’ really shouldn’t get in the open yet. Honestly, I am not ready for that either. Before we know it, one of us will have to change designator and frankly, I could do without that for the moment.”

“Yeah. Ok, I’ll do it. For OUR sake. But if Harriet pulls a stunt like this one more time, I’m gonna deck her.” Mac grinned, her gung-ho attitude slowly returning.

“That’s my Marine,” He said with a smile. His five o’clock shadow made his features all the sexier. Standing up, he pulled her with him. “Come on, Tiger. Let’s get you some rest. I know this really nice Aviator that seems to be warm and cuddly. Interested?”

“I might. Who might this dream man be?” she quipped, minute by minute relaxing into the love Harm offered.

“I’ll show you,“ He grinned, pulling up one eyebrow, “But tonight you’ll only get the sleepy version. No action for you young lady, just being cocooned and safely wrapped.” Harm ended, kissing the top of her nose delicately.

“Lead the way, O-Perfect-one” Mac dreamily replied, ready to be engulfed in the scent, Harm’s scent, that always made her feel at home. For now, she would be fine and her nightmare had just evaporated, if only temporarily.

PART 5

1849 EST

Roberts Residence

Falls Church, Virginia

It was unusually quiet in the kitchen. A.J. was upstairs playing and Jimmy was sitting contently in his high chair drinking his bottle. But there was nothing unusual about that. It was the other person’s silence that made Bud suspect something was wrong.

Harriet was emptying the dishwasher and Bud was putting the plates and pots and pans away since Harriet couldn’t reach the proper cabinets anymore. She had been quiet all morning and judging by the bags under her eyes she hadn’t slept a wink.

“Why don’t you sit down, sweetie. I can finish this, you go and relax.”

Harriet sighed and without acknowledging him walked towards the living room dropping unceremoniously onto the couch. Bud joined her after finishing his task and putting Jimmy in the play pen.

“Are you okay?” Bud asked concerned.

Harriet nodded.

“Are the babies okay?”

“Ah huh.” She nodded again.

“Harriet,” Bud pressed on. “I know something is bothering you. Tell me.”

Harriet took a deep breath before starting.

“Have I done something wrong, or stupid, or….I don’t know what lately?”

Bud frowned. “Not that I know of.”

“Has Colonel Mackenzie said anything about me?”

Bud thought for a moment. He’d been working on a case opposing Mac. They had talked, but nothing personal.

“No.”

“See!” Harriet exclaimed. “She’s angry with me.!”

“Harriet. “ Bud tried to reason with her. “We have been swamped. There is hardly enough time to breathe let alone have a life outside of the office and talk about it! What makes you think she’s mad at you?”

Harriet started to sniff as she told him about Mac’s behavior around her.

“She’s been acting cold towards me for months now. She avoids me when I’m at JAG. When I tell her about the babies she doesn’t even pretend to be interested!” Harriet was getting agitated. “She comes up with all these lame excuses to run off in the middle of a story and last week, when you were gone, I thought I could try and make things better between us by spending some time with her, but I think it sort of back fired on me and now she isn’t returning any of my phone calls.”

Bud drew her in for a hug and softly stroked her belly. This seemed to calm Harriet down and she was quiet again for a couple of minutes.

“You know if I didn’t know any better I’d think she resented me.” Harriet concluded. “I think she knows she’s getting older and still hasn’t found the right man.” Harriet babbled on while Bud’s brows furrowed.

Mac had seemed tense, but Bud had a feeling finding the right man wasn’t a problem anymore. The Colonel and the Commander were getting along perfectly lately. They were a team, supporting each other, backing each other up, playing tag_.

“BUD!” Harriet’s voice interrupted his thoughts. Harriet pouted when she realized that he hadn’t been listening to a word she’d said.

“Sorry.” When in doubt, apologize.

“As I was saying. They set a date.”

“Who set a date?”

“Doctor Erik and Mac!” Harriet threw him her ‘duh’ look. “I arranged for her to go on a blind date with him!” She repeated proudly.

“WHAT? Harriet!” Dating would be fine, but Bud doubted Mac had a need for a doctor Erik. “You shouldn’t meddle, they’ll find their own way!” And he wasn’t talking about doctor Erik either. But Harriet was oblivious, offended that he had shot her plan down.

** **

0716 EST

Outside Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station

Washington, DC

November 2004

“It’s okay Mac, really.” Harm said for the umpteenth time.

Mac shook her head knowing he was putting up a brave front. Today they would be moving Mattie back in with her father. If it wasn’t for the scheduled meeting with the Admiral she’d go with them. But since she was still walking on thin ice with their new C.O. it wouldn’t do her career any good, trying to cancel. The Admiral had more than once expressed his displeasure at her frequent doctor appointments and she was eager to show him she was of value to him and the office.

Kissing Harm on the cheek and giving Mattie a hug and a kiss, she said her good byes. She waved one more time before driving off. Harm’s vacant smile weighing heavily on her mind.

The last week or so, their relationship had been tense. Harm had decided that he wanted to tell everyone about their relationship, including the Admiral. Though Mac was pleased by the fact that he felt strongly enough about them, about her, to take that chance, she was convinced that Mattie’s departure was the driving force behind his decision. At the moment she didn’t feel secure enough in her working relationship with Admiral Grumpy to rock that boat quite yet. So they’d argued about her priorities and in the end Harm accepted she wasn’t ready to let the word out about their relationship. But as a compromise, Mac had canceled her blind date.

Harm had been great, but she had sensed him holding back. Although reuniting Mattie with her father was what was best for her, it was still hurting him. Mac wanted to be there for him today, to offer support, to let him lean on her for a change.

She sighed as she pulled into the parking lot. ‘Harm would be okay, right? He was the strongest person she knew. ‘ She leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes as she remembered breakfast that morning. Harm hadn’t eaten a bite.

“God, I’m such an idiot.” She chided herself.

Having made a decision, she got out of her car and slammed the door. With quick determined strides she made her way inside. A woman on a mission, she ignored the pregnant Commander she had so enviously studied during lunch the week before.

“Petty officer, I need to see the Admiral ASAP.”

** **

2247 EST

Mac’s apartment

Georgetown

Washington DC

Harm shook his head but grinned none the less as he spotted her car already parked on the corner. Who’d have thought his marine was a speed devil? He vowed to speak to her about that. After he thanked her for today.

Mac had shown up around lunch time with food and drinks. And not a moment too soon. He had been testy all morning, Mattie was frustrated by her own feelings of loyalty to Harm and her choosing her father and Tom was walking on eggshells around the both of them, terrified he’d make either one change their minds.

He’d never admit it, but losing Mattie with everything else that had been going on in their lives, hit him hard. It wasn’t till she hugged him that he realized how much in fact he needed her. The moment he’d gathered her in his arms he’d felt her strength and love envelop him, and he knew he would make it through the day.

His heart filled with love as he remembered how fantastic she’d been that afternoon.

Whenever he struggled with his emotions she was right there. A quick kiss on his cheek, a brush against his hand, just to let him know she was there. She filled awkward silences with jokes, kept them all focused on the positive sides.

He suspected that somewhere between helping to clean out the kitchen and installing Mattie’s computer, she’d had a heart to heart with Tom Johnson about staying sober, offering support for the rough days, and preparing him for frequent visits from Harm.

The ringing of his cell phone pulled him from his thoughts and he smiled as he recognized the number.

“Are you planning on coming up any time soon?” Her cheerful voice greeted him. “Because I was planning to take a bath and I would appreciate the company.”

Harm grinned as he made his way up the stairs. And to think he had considered going to his own, empty, apartment instead of coming over to hers.

She welcomed him in with a passionate kiss and he returned the favor. Quickly they made their way to the bathroom, divested their clothes and settled in the hot water for a steamy make out session. For a while nothing but soft moans and splashing water could be heard along with their exploring lips. As Mac was trying to catch her breath, Harm whispered against her neck;

“You’re amazing, you know that?”

“You haven’t seen amazing yet, Flyboy.” She cooed as she arched against his hands.

Harm grinned in anticipation as he nibbled on her wet skin.

“How did you manage to get today off?”

Mac turned and scooted so she was straddling him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I just told him the man I loved needed me more than he did.” She drawled before engaging in a fiery kiss.

“Just like that, huh?” He pondered as he covered her breasts with his hands.

She laughed and moaned at the same time.

Far in the back of her mind she remembered her morning meeting with the Admiral and the best closing arguments she had ever delivered to ensure neither she nor Harm would swiftly be redistributed to different command posts.

Sensing Harm really did want an answer she briefly pulled back to look in his eyes.

“I pulled extra duty next weekend.” Before leaning in for another kiss, his lips simply irresistible.

“Mac.” Harm protested, though he ran his hands over her six to pull her closer.

“And,” She gasped. “we will have to start looking for other assignments if we decide to make it more ‘permanent’.” She pulled him in for another kiss. “Of course he made it clear that he would prefer it be me that transferred out.”

Fully intending to kiss her senseless, Harm froze in mid air. He was surprised to see she wasn’t upset by it at all. He frowned. “Mac,” He started but was hushed by her finger on his lips.

She smiled before kissing him, insuring his silence, placing his hands back on her breasts. One of his hands snaked around her back to support her as his other hand gently pushed her backwards so his mouth would have better access to her breasts.

“Macmm” He mumbled against her soft skin.

She ran her hands through his hair before urging his face up to look at her.

“Shut up Harm, and make love to me.”

Wow, thanks for all the bribes and the Harm offers. We gladly accept.

Phoebs is very happy with her chocolate Harm from an anonymous reader/sender! Which I didn’t get ( grrr). LOL. Boy, if we knew we could get so much reaction, we’d done it sooner. And don’t stop now. It does give a kick. LOL.

Nice (according to the Oxford Dictionary and Thesaurus) = adj.1.pleasant, satisfactory. 2. fine, subtle. 3. fastidious.

Ok, part 6 which you earned completely. :o) Try to enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Tomorrow’s part will be far more emotional. Phoebs says “Hankie warning”.

Disclaimers, see part 1.

PART 6

2131 EST

Mac’s apartment

Georgetown

Washington DC

December 10th 2004

The evening started out as a working dinner, but like so many times before, once the work was done, they snuggled on the couch. Which in turn would result in either Harm or Mac spending the night.

Harm sat on the couch reading, his feet resting on the coffee table. Mac had snuggled up to him, her left leg draped over his. Her hand, absentmindedly running circles on his chest.

As he turned another page, the phone startled them out of their private little world for two.

It took a bit of convincing, and a few pokes, for her to extract herself from him so she could answer the phone. When she did, he could see her visibly tense, the relaxed mood rudely erased. He knew who was on the other end even without hearing Harriet’s excited voice blasting through the receiver.

Mac bit her lower lip and tried to smile even though Harriet couldn’t see her.

“That’s fantastic Harriet. “ She swallowed. “You must be so happy!” Forcing her mouth to say she herself felt happy for Harriet proved to be too difficult.

Harriet rattled on about contractions, the length and weight of the babies, did they look like A.J. or more like Jimmy and Mac had to blink away some unexpected tears.

“Wow,” She commented softly. “So, what will their names be?”

Harriet answered Mac and waited for the socially acceptable praise of the chosen names.

Mac frowned but felt a grin slide on her face. “I thought you wouldn’t let Bud pick their names this time.”

On the other end Harriet’s smile started to fade. She wasn’t quite sure why, but some how she got the impression that she’d done something silly and she wouldn’t hear the end of if any time soon.

Eager to finish the conversation, Mac didn’t give Harriet enough time to respond.

“Listen, Harm’s here for the Brandon court martial, would you like to tell him yourself?” She motioned Harm over and pressed the phone in his hands.

“Hey Harriet.”

“Harm! Well, I did it! I gave birth to two healthy baby boys!”

“That’s wonderful news Harriet. What are their names?” He asked as he took another sip of his coffee.

“Luke and Ben.” Harriet stated proudly and Harm nearly choked on his drink.

“Ahem, Luke and Ben? As in Luke Skywalker and Obi-wan Ken obi?”

“WHAT?” Harriet shrieked. “Ehm, I gotta go, bye.”

Before either she or Harm had hung up the phone a high pitched voice sounded through the receiver into Mac’s living room.

“BUD ROBERTS! YOU GET YOUR A_______”

Harm and Mac stood looking at each other and then simultaneously said.

“Uh oh.”

PART 7

1034 EST

Roberts Residence

Falls Church, Virginia

December 13^th 2004

Harm parked the SUV behind the Roberts’ mini van and looked over at Mac. She was staring straight ahead, her posture rigid. Placing his hand gently on top of her clasped ones he whispered;

“We’re here, Mac.”

She turned to face him and quickly pulled away from under his soft touch. She tried for a smile but it never reached her eyes and it certainly didn’t convince Harm. But Mac had to feign control so she wouldn’t crack.

“I know.” She lied, keeping her voice light.

Harm got out and walked to the rear of the car to open the trunk. Once he got the presents out, he started towards the house. Only then did he notice that Mac was still in the car. Her hand was on the door handle but she hadn’t opened it. It looked like she was talking to herself and for a minute he thought she was praying. At last he saw her close her eyes, take a deep breath and open the door to get out.

The determined look on her face told him not to ask her if she was okay. But as they waited for someone to open the door for them, she unconsciously reached for his hand. When he looked down at her he saw the vulnerability in her eyes.

Of course, once the door opened her performance was impeccable.

“BUD!” She exclaimed cheerfully before she hugged him. “Glad to see Harriet didn’t kill you.”

Harm shook the younger man’s hand. “Congratulations, Bud.”

“Thank you sir, Ma’am.” Bud smiled broadly. “Although Harriet hasn’t let me off the hook yet, she couldn’t kill me.” He grinned slyly “After all, she did pick the names herself! I merely agreed with her choice.”

** **

Mac sat still on the sofa, a fake smile plastered on her face. Thankfully, neither Bud nor Harriet noticed since they were preoccupied with their newborn twins. Mac tried to look at anything but the babies. Occasionally she felt brave enough to look at Harm. That is, if he wasn’t looking at her. She couldn’t handle his compassionate gaze right now. But she was drawn to his pain. He was better then she was at pushing it aside but it was still there and she couldn’t help but feel responsible for it.

Earlier on, just as Harriet had wanted to show them the nursery, she had been rescued by A.J. who wanted to show her his new big-boy room. She readily agreed and spent the next thirty minutes helping him build a Lego castle. Being with A.J. was hard enough as it was, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as being confronted by Harriet and motherhood.

When coffee was served there was no escape. So here she was, and so far so good.

Harriet must have been tired because she wasn’t as exuberant as she usually was. She was happy, that was clear, and thankful that she now had four healthy children but to Mac she didn’t seem to be rubbing her nose in it right now. This she could handle.

“Mac?”

“I’m sorry, what?” She must have drifted of more then she realized.

Harriet smiled at her and Mac caught a glimpse of the baby she was holding. Her throat tightened immediately and she desperately sought out something else to focus on. Harriet asked her something else. Still trying to reign in her emotions Mac answered “Yes.” Without knowing what the question was.

“Bud, could you help her get settled?”

Mac snapped out of her thoughts. Something was happening. Bud got up and walked to the bassinet. Harm threw her his deer-in-headlights look and she could feel her own pulse quicken. Bud walked towards her and suddenly she realized what she had agreed to.

“Here you go ma’am.” Bud’s warm voice sounded as he placed one of the babies in her arms. “I’ll get you the bottle.”

Mac’s panicky eyes sought out Harm’s. Then a soft baby gurgle made her look at the tiny bundle in her arms. She could hardly breathe but she couldn’t look away. In her arms she held the most precious gift a woman could have bestowed on her.

‘I will never carry my own child.’

Mesmerized when his tiny arms moved as he yawned, her hand reached for him out of it’s own volition, and she let her fingers caress the five perfect little baby fingers. Their innocent round form, the softness of the baby skin, their firm grasp, the longing in her heart, the cold truth that she would never….. It was too much for her. She withdrew her hand and tried to look away. But again her eyes were drawn to the baby and as if she were torturing herself she allowed herself to touch his face. To trace his tiny round cheek, to run her fingers through the softest baby hair. In the back of her mind the chanting got louder.

‘I will never have this’

And it hurt. It hurt so much that she couldn’t function properly and she doubted that it would ever go away.

** **

When Harm had heard Mac agree to feed Ben he had been more than a little worried. Despite the fact that she had believed herself resigned to not having children of her own, she had been extremely tense all day. Her flight to A.J.’s room had only confirmed his suspicion. This was far from resolved and he wasn’t sure they would ever truly get over it.

Watching her hold the baby was painful. He refused to let himself dwell on the sense of loss he felt, but Mac’s was so painfully obvious it threatened to drown both of them. Bud and Harriet were focusing on their twins, as any proud parent would, oblivious to their friend’s struggles. Harm was thankful for that. The last thing Mac needed was to have people see her losing control.

He watched the set of her jaw tighten as she caressed the baby’s hand. He noticed that she was trembling, her movements shaky. Should he intervene or was this something she had to go through? Mac swallowed a few times, her lower lip was trembling as she trailed her fingers over the chubby baby cheek. His heart went out to her and he knew this was too soon. She wasn’t ready for this.

Mac confirmed this when she suddenly muttered, “I’m sorry.” And handed the baby back to Bud before practically running from the room. Both Harriet and Bud were stunned and looked to Harm for an explanation he couldn’t give. He shrugged helplessly before going after her.

“Bud?” Harriet asked. “What just happened?”

Bud was still facing the door when he answered. “I don’t know sweetie. But something is very wrong.”

** **

Harm didn’t see her when he got to the hall but his gut told him she hadn’t left the house. He found her in the den leaning against the wall. Tears running down her cheeks. She turned when she sensed him and Harm felt his own eyes tear up at the sight of her.

Now that Harm was with her she let go of the last thread of control. Her knees gave in and she slid down to the floor sobbing. Harm kneeled in front of her and took her in his arms whispering words of comfort into her hair. Once her sobbing subsided he pulled back and gently kissed away her tears. Together they stood up and she quickly reclaimed her spot in his embrace, resting her face against his chest, her arms wrapped securely around his waist.

“This is so embarrassing.” She sniffed. “They must think I’ve finally lost it.”

Harm let his hands roam over her back, feeling her relax a little.

“They don’t know what’s going on. They’re wondering though.”

She looked up at him and shook her head.

“I can’t tell them Harm. This moment isn’t about me, it’s their moment. I don’t want to ruin it.”

“You’re right but we have to tell them something when we go back in.”

“I, I want to go home.” Her eyes pleaded with him.

“Okay.” Harm said as he started back to the living room. “I’ll tell them you’re not feeling well. Then I’ll take you home.”

She grasped his hand at the last moment needing to explain before she lost her courage.

“This won’t happen for us Harm.” She wiped angrily at the tears she couldn’t hold back.

This morning," she paused, "still nothing."

More tears flowed as she looked into his understanding eyes. "I don't think my period will come back."

Harm walked back and took her hands in his own, his eyes never straying from hers. He tried to convey strength, telling her not to give up.

“Then we’ll make a doctor’s appointment and ask what our options are.”

“No Harm.” She shook her head sadly. “This is it. It’s over.” And with that she walked away from him in search of her coat.

** **

Mac was already waiting by the car when Harm came out. She looked sad but composed, Harm couldn’t help but gather her in his arms and kiss her soundly.

Neither one was too eager to break contact as they stood in the Robert’s driveway. And neither was aware of the scrutiny they were under by their colleague.

Bud didn’t mean to spy on them. He merely wanted to make sure they took off okay. He had been concerned by the Colonel’s sudden retreat. Seeing his long time friends kiss only confirmed what he had always suspected and he knew then that whatever was wrong, if they had each other, it would all work out in the end.

PART 8

2352 EST

Rock Creek Park

Washington, DC

Nearing the 10 mile mark, Harm only sped up his pace. Drops of salty water dripping from his nose made him close his lips. His T-shirt clung to him like a second skin when he ran past another bend in the road.

He'd been running a little over a hour. He dropped Mac off at her apartment, stayed with her until he was sure she was ok. It took quite a while for her to settle down but somewhere in the evening, she did and suggested he would go back home. Some time alone would do her good.

To forget the whole ordeal, he'd opted to take a run despite the late hour.

Wanting to get rid of all the tension the day had brought him, he decided he needed a little exercise to clear his mind.

The visit to the Roberts's had not gone well and taken a toll on Mac. But her final words had stunned him like nothing else could.

During his ride home, the words kept repeating in his head like a mantra.

This is it. It's over.

Supporting her the last six months had not always been as simple as he had hoped and was actually as hard as he’d expected it would be, but not once had anything really affected him like her last words had.

This is it. It's over.

When he put one foot on the trail, his mind started to wander. Little things lingered at first but with every mile deeper thoughts arose. Eventually he was eaten alive by his frustration.

Why couldn't it happen to them?

Had he waited too long?

Hadn't she endured enough already over the years?

Why now, when they had finally found each other and given into their love, why them?

Every question brought more anger and Harm's pace got faster and faster to the point where he pushed past his limits.

Why them?

Now, on his way to the 11th mile, he was past exhaustion. A gulp of air pricked his lungs and his feet made little mistakes that forced the tall man to struggle to keep straight. Yet, he didn't stop. It was merely an incentive forcing him to turn it up another notch.

Damn, why them?

The dimly lit path made a clear visual impossible and Harm had to blink a few times to not miss another bend in the road, the sweat rolling down his forehead not helping matters. Black spots appeared before his eyes and the tremors in his legs made them feel like jell-O. Finally he was forced to slow down.

A tall tree beside the path seemed to be his lifeline and Harm took a strong hold of it, leaning against it, bending over in the hope of catching more oxygen, he took a deep breath filling his lungs.

The fresh air made him wince when it filled his system. For a moment, he felt like he was back in the cold Atlantic, breathing in salty spray from the angry sea. The feeling of the freezing cold damn sure felt the same, the loss of control he felt only adding to the similarity.

His legs eventually buckled and Harm ended up sitting with his back against the tree, his eyes closed against the cold that penetrated his damp clothes and chilled his body to the core.

His exhaustion eventually eased into fatigue, his mind matching the feeling.

Thinking over the turmoil that had invaded his head over the past hour and a half, his frustration came back and he punched the practically frozen ground with his fist. Once, twice, a third time and somehow, magically, his frustration slipped into the soil together with the vibes his fist ignited.

A certain peace came over him. He would be ok. * They * would be ok. As long as they were together.

He would be lying if he said not having a baby wouldn’t affect him, but all he wanted, if he was totally honest with himself, was to not lose Mac. Baby be damned. And like Mac had done earlier in the day, he too would have to accept this was out of their hands.

As he stood up, still leaning against the tree for support, he only needed one thing now. More specifically, one person. The one person that shared his hurt, knew him inside and out and would always be there for him, like he would for her.

** **

A knock on her door made Mac look up from her novel. Unable to sleep, she had decided to read a simple book, snuggled into her comfortable couch, the afghan draped loosely over her.

Walking bare foot to her door, she checked the peep hole and was surprised to see a sweaty, tired looking Harm at her door.

Swinging her door open, she caught several emotions in his eyes and a furrow marked her eyebrows.

“ Harm, what _ ?”

“I need you.” He simply said and entered her apartment, swinging her into his arms.

Even though Mac was totally stunned by his visit, and his appearance, and wanted every explanation possible, she somehow felt a peace come around them. The hug he shared with her gave her a feeling of finality. What, she wasn’t sure of yet but Harm’s posture also gave her strength and assurance and she couldn’t do anything but lean into him, hugging him close to her. Letting him draw strength from her as well.

Whatever had come over him seemed to be good, for he felt relaxed. No matter how desperate his words sounded, his posture spoke another language and miraculously, she understood.

“I need you, too. “ she echoed, her eyes seeking his out . By mutual agreement, their lips came together, resulting in a passionate embrace.

Both knew that they would be ok, eventually. Together.

** **

0222 EST

Mac’s apartment

Georgetown,

Washington DC

Two days later

The room was dark. The only illumination was the soft light of the moon that shone through a crack in the curtains. Mac was sleeping soundly, the day’s events wiping her out both physically and emotionally. He couldn’t resist caressing her shoulders and taking in her scent by nuzzling her neck. He settled in against her back even more, needing to feel her close as he relived what would probably be one of the most important days of their lives.

Mac’s doctor had cleared a spot in her schedule as soon as she heard the symptoms but neither she, nor he and Mac had anticipated the outcome of the visit. The results of the tests had shocked all of them and now they faced a whole new set of fears.

Coming to grip with the changes they’d have to make to their lives. The doctor had urged them to think positive and to take one day at a time.

‘Think positive.’ Harm reminded himself as he gently wrapped his arms around her, resting his face against the back of her shoulder. He was having trouble keeping his emotions in check. This morning Mac had let her emotions run free as the doctor confirmed the results. Harm, on the other hand, had just sat there. He vaguely remembered Mac’s death grip on his hand, in fact he was fairly certain she’d cut off circulation a bit too long. Emotional overload threatening, after everything they’d gone through these past six months, he had been unable to deal with life’s most recent curveball. He simply sat there, and kept it in. Now that he laid here with her safely in his arms, he was ready to face the enormous impact this day would have on their lives. He felt his throat tightening and hot tears silently made their way down his cheeks spilling onto the sensitive skin of her neck.

PART 9

Mac was awoken by the wetness of his tears and the tension that rolled off him. Alarmed she tried to turn and face him but he held her to him, his lifeline.

“Harm?” She whispered, finally managing to roll over in his embrace.

His face was wet with tears and she was shaken by his loss of control. She kissed his damp lips and brushed away his tears like he had done for her so many times before.

“Harm?” She tried again, even softer this time.

“Sssh,” He whispered against her lips. “I love you. Both of you.”

** **

1344 EST

National Naval Medical Center

Bethesda, Maryland

August 2005

Mac turned the page of her Fit Pregnancy August issue and made a mental note to herself. ‘Get Munchkin Tri-flow nipple bottle.' She continued to read an article about inducing labor at 41 weeks instead of waiting another week. “Well, that won’t be a problem for me.” She muttered to herself.

Mac had been rushed to the hospital four weeks earlier when she started having contractions. Premature labor had always been a possibility and Mac’s biggest concern. Thankfully the medication she got had stopped the contractions, but Mac had been confined to her hospital bed ever since. To say she was bored, would be an under statement.

She was pleasantly surprised by a knock on her door. Harm had to work, so it couldn’t be him, but she welcomed any visitor that could take her mind off lying in bed waiting for another day to pass. The door opened and Mac felt her smile waver at the sight of her visitor.

“Hey there.” Harriet smiled nervously. “I heard Harm had to work so I thought I’d drop by and keep you company.”

Mac felt bad. She felt responsible for Harriet’s unease.

“Thank you. I have been going a bit stir crazy.”

Harriet tentatively made her way closer to the bed.

“How are you feeling?”

“Still a bit worried. But mostly bored.” Mac smiled. “Please, sit down.”

Harriet pulled up a chair and sat down. For a moment neither woman knew what to say. Harriet found a seemingly safe topic.

“I see you’ve been reading. I think I read every book there is on pregnancies when I was pregnant.”

Mac smiled sadly. “I’ve only really been reading these past three weeks. Before that I was too afraid to get my hopes up. I never dared to plan on taking my baby home.”

“I know. “ Harriet said. “I felt the same way when I was carrying Jimmy. I was so afraid I’d have to feel that pain of losing my baby again.”

Mac closed her eyes. Not for the first time she felt like a heel concerning her behavior towards Harriet. Of all the people she knew, Harriet was the one that knew what it felt like to have it all taken away from you. Only, it had made Mac bitter and resentful, while Harriet had seemed a stronger person for it.

“I’m sorry Harriet.” Mac whispered her eyes downcast. “I haven’t been kind to you while you’ve always been my friend.” She absentmindedly rubbed her belly, like she had done quite a few times that morning.

“I’m sure you had a good reason.” Harriet said carefully.

“Reason, yes, but no excuse.” And with that Mac told Harriet about her diagnosis a little over a year ago. She told her of the feelings she had when she had seen Harriet’s round belly, or little kids playing in the park.

“I knew that if anyone deserved happiness it was you and Bud. But I hurt so much that I couldn’t manage to feel happy for you when you had everything I ever wanted and would never have.”

When Harriet didn’t say anything Mac looked up. Harriet’s eyes were filled with tears, and for a second Mac was afraid she had hurt Harriet again. But as she took in the other woman’s expression she found nothing but understanding and compassion in her blue eyes.

“I’m sorry. If I’d have known. Why didn’t you come to me and tell me?” Harriet finally sniffed as she moved to the bed to hug Mac. “I would have understood.”

“I know that now, but I was too closed off to think about what you went through.” Mac started to sniffle too. “Ouch!” She pulled back and rubbed her belly again.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Mac answered, still rubbing her hands back and forth. “But I think you’d better call one of the nurses.”

Harriet’s eyes went wide with shock. “You think you’re in labor?”

“I think so.” Mac stated, a feeling of contentment coming over her.

“I’ll go get a….I’ll be right back!”

Harriet returned a minute later with a nurse, making Mac smile at Harriet’s promptness.

Two weeks before her due date, it was decided to let nature run its course. They would monitor the baby’s heartbeat, and the contractions. While the nurse hooked Mac up to the fetal monitor she promised to give Mac’s specialist a call as soon as possible. At only three centimeters dilated, there wasn’t much more to do but sit back and wait.

Once the room was quiet again Mac turned to Harriet who looked as if she was about to give birth.

“Does it ever go away?”

“What?” Harriet asked as she made her way back to the chair.

“That feeling. I sometimes feel that, even though I am having my own baby, that feeling of loss is still there. I went down to the nursery and I saw a dad with a toddler watching his baby and it still troubled me.”

Harriet took Mac’s hand in hers before she began.

“I don’t know for sure. I do know that it’s the same for me. Even now that I have four healthy sons, and I couldn’t be happier. Seeing someone else who’s having a baby, care free, it still stings.”

Mac briefly squeezed Harriet’s hand before letting go. The big conversation out of the way, they settled into lighthearted conversations including, why men were incapable of giving birth, besides the obvious physical short comings. The amusing conversation was cut short when Mac’s contractions picked up considerably and she asked Harriet to call Harm.

** **

Harm rushed in just as they were preparing to wheel Mac to the delivery room.

“Well, you sure took your time getting here.” Mac joked seeing Harm was a nervous wreck. Her jibe had the desired effect and she could see him relax.

“Well, who the hell told you to give birth during rush hour? Remember the Beltway?” He leaned down to kiss her. “How are you doing?” He whispered, suddenly serious.

“I’m fine actually.” Mac said calmly. “Hey!” She suddenly called out stopping Harriet dead in her tracks. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Well, Harm’s here now. You don’t need me anymore.”

“What?! Don’t you dare leave me now.” Mac exclaimed. “Harm’s never given birth before! You’re staying.”

And that settled it. Harm and Harriet stayed with her during the delivery. Each holding a hand, letting Mac squeeze during the contractions. Much to Mac’s own surprise she felt relaxed and at peace, which made the pain all the more bearable. Following the instructions her doctor gave her she gathered all her strength and gave one final push.

“Congratulations Sarah, Harm, you’ve got yourself a baby girl!”

She felt her tears roll down her cheeks when they placed her baby on her stomach. She managed to kiss her baby’s head and Harm did the same before pressing his lips to hers, letting his own tears flow freely.

Mac reveled in the feeling of holding her baby daughter. All too soon a nurse came to take her away for the standard tests.

While Mac reached out for Harm to hold her, Harriet stood quietly to the side, her thoughts on the birth of another baby girl, the one she never got to hold.

** **

Mac laid on her side. If she hadn’t been so preoccupied with her baby she might have wondered if the soreness in her body would ever go away. But as it were, she was completely mesmerized by the tiny creature that lay against her. She was quite simply exquisite. Ten perfect little fingers that instinctively wrapped themselves around hers, the perfect little face, her head covered with small locks of soft dark hair and big eyes that already had a hint of brown in them.

Mac was overwhelmed by her emotions and felt a need to share her joy and amazement with others. She turned to Harriet only to be met by the same look she must have had all those months ago. A mixture of hurt and jealousy.

“I’m sorry, Mac.” Harriet said knowing that Mac would recognize the reservation in her eyes. “I really AM happy for you. It just hurts.”

Mac tried to convey her understanding. There was nothing she could say or do to make Harriet forget. But maybe….. Not sure if she was making the right decision, she offered;

“Would you like to hold her?”

Harriet frowned, startled by the offer.

“Are you sure? You haven’t even let Harm hold her for more then five minutes.”

“I’m sure. But you don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

“I’d like to.” Harriet moved to take the baby from Mac’s arms and held her close as she sat in the chair.

Mac watched how silent tears fell from Harriet’s eyes. She wanted to give her time. To give her a moment she’d never gotten with Sarah. Finally, Harriet took a deep breath and blinked away the last tears.

“She’s perfect, Mac.”

She placed the baby back on the bed with Mac and grabbed her purse and coat.

“Now,” She said with a determined look on her face. “I’m going home to my boys.”

Mac smiled as she watched Harriet leave, knowing that she’d done something good. Her eyes soon dwelled back on the warm bundle that was snuggled against her. She’d have to learn how to share her more often, for Harm’s sake. She thought to herself with a grin. But not yet.

The End… Be tuned in for the Epilogue!

EPILOGUE

0603 EST

Retired Rear Admiral Chegwidden's Residence

McClean, Virginia

September 2nd 2005

Enjoying the morning sun that just came up over the horizon, AJ enjoyed the

smell of morning dew, crisp air, and awakening birds starting their morning

song. Sitting in a lounge chair on his porch, he looked over his foggy garden. It was early but old habits were hard to break.

About 15 months ago, he had left Falls Church and JAG Headquarters behind to start a life filled with baseball and time with this daughter. He had seen all the ballparks last year and spent some leisure time with Francesca in sunny Florida.

Francesca had a fashion show to attend in Miami and had gotten a temporary job with

Gucci's Southern Department as their representative. AJ had insisted on staying with her for however long she was required, and he had done just that.

About March 2005, she had been offered a spot back in Milan, Italy for the Autumn collection and gladly accepted. A summer in Italy enthralled the ex Rear Admiral, and so he had accompanied his daughter back to her motherland. Once the summer passed and the Winter/Spring collection had been started successfully, Francesca, who looked at some free time, suggested returning to his country for some down time.

Yesterday he'd landed at Dulles, retreating to his old home soon after. The idea of going back to his old place, filled with many memories, warmed him deeply. Although never admitting it, he did miss his house in the quiet area of Mc Lean and the familiarity around it. He was glad he hadn’t sold the place and had opted to keep it and let an old friend check on it once a month, cleaning out the cobwebs, mowing the lawn and fixing the roof when a storm had hit along with some other small tasks. The neighbors retrieved his mail and would forward it once every two weeks.

"Good morning, Papa. Would you like some warmed ciabatta?" Francesca asked

her dad, peeking her head around the main door. She would have loved to have slept in but her jetlag hadn't given her that chance. When she noticed her dad's room empty, she'd figured he was already up and sitting somewhere as he had done everywhere they’d been for the last year. She wasn't wrong.

"Good Morning, honey." AJ replied lazily, looking at his daughter with his signature smile, “I’d love that. I’ll be right in."

"That'll be fine, papa. Take your time." he heard in return.

Looking over the quiet lawn, he spotted his neighbor, 17-year old Tommy. When Tommy spotted the old Admiral, he came biking straight at him.

"Hey Mr. C! Wow, it's been quite a while since I last saw you. How are you

doing, sir?" The friendly boy asked, who had now, AJ noticed, matured into a

good looking young man.

"Doing very well, son. Thank you. You off to rowing practice?" AJ asked, seeing the assorted outfit partly sticking out of Tommy’s backpack and remembering his hobby from his talks months ago.

"Yes sir. I'd like to get into the Annapolis team next year." The kid replied, looking all too pleased.

"Annapolis, huh? Good choice." AJ remarked thoughtfully.

"Yes sir. All thanks to you." the young man replied, showing due respect to the retired Admiral, “I’m very much looking forward to it”.

"By the way, I’ve brought your mail, sir. Came in yesterday." Tommy said, handing over the envelope he pulled out of his back pocket. His mom had seen the Admiral return yesterday and had pushed the envelope into her son’s hand on his way out.

"Thank you, Tommy. I’ll be by later to thank your parents personally.” AJ said, taking hold of the offered mail.

“My mom would like that.” Tommy said, looking at his watch. “Oh, I have to hurry. Practice starts in 20 minutes.”

“Ok then. Thank you again Tommy and … good luck at Annapolis. Don’t hesitate to come by if you need help with anything." AJ added, giving the boy a pat on the shoulder.

"Thank you, sir. I'll keep it in mind. Have a good day, Mr. C." Tommy replied, hopping on his bike and giving a short wave.

"You, too, Tommy... you, too." AJ mumbled, walking across the lawn, back to the house while glancing at the envelope.

It was navy blue and gold letters formed his name and address. Turning the envelope around, he opened the flap and pulled out another Navy Blue card, graced with a black and white baby picture. Upon opening the card, his lips formed a perfect smile and his eyes added an extra twinkle at reading the most beautiful words in Marine green on a white background. What he'd read warmed his heart to the core and made him all the more proud of his old time family. They did it, again.

*~*~*

Sarah and Harm are proud to announce the arrival of their daughter.

His looks, her brains...Perfect!

Robyn Abigail Rabb

August 14, 2005

07:25 pm

6 pounds, 3 ounces

20 inch

Sarah Mackenzie-Rabb and Harmon Rabb, Jr.

*~*~*

THE END

*Extra A/N:*

What Mac has, we didn’t touch. We just went with the idea that whatever she has, will influence her fertility in some form.

The baby’s name: Robyn = famous brilliance , Abigail = who brings joy.

Fitting, right?! And Robyn sounds tomboyish enough to fit Mac and Harm. LOL.

Title = a quote we both liked and was perfect for the story.

Angels descending, bring from above, Echoes of mercy, whispers of love. ~ Fanny J. Crosby 

Brought to you by CB ( superjagcb@yahoo.com) and Phoebe ( colonelphoebe@yahoo.com).