Pt 4

Three Hours Later

Issukangitok, Alaska

Standing next to the yellow plane he had bought in place of ‘Sarah’, Harm stared off at the main road. It had been plowed earlier, but the snow was softly falling. It was almost Christmas. He knew that a Christmas in Alaska would be calming. Unlike most Christmases, this one he was slightly looking forward to.

Until she came.

The plane, parked on the Issukangitok River, was simply a hobby of his. He flew it at least once a week to Fairbanks or Anchorage. Just to get some modern world back in his blood so he wouldn’t become quite a hermit.

He was thinking of taking off with the dogs. Just leaving so she wouldn’t track him down. He knew she would. It was only a matter of time.

“Only a matter of time,” he whispered to himself.

Keeping watch next to him was Dimitri. Suddenly, the animal went rigid, the hairs on his back raising up when he saw the unfamiliar Jeep make it’s way down the road.

The house was set off from the road, the back surrounded by woods. Dimitri was getting ready to set off when he saw the Jeep park in the drive. Ana moved closer to Harm, ready to take Dimitri’s place.

“Friend,” Harm whispered, patting Dimitri’s head. He moved away from the plane, shoving his sunglasses on so he wouldn’t have to look her in the eye.

The first thing he saw was a black boot. Then a shapely leg even though it was encased in jeans and most likely several layers of thermal underwear. Her parka was black and huge, almost swallowing her.

She too, like him, wore sunglasses covering her eyes.

They simply stood there looking at each other before Harm turned away. “Come inside. It’s freezing out here.”

He had been there for practically three months; enough time for his blood to thicken. He was no longer as cold as he had been when he first arrived, however he was still an Outsider.

“It’s beautiful.”

Her voice was softer, sadder. Just like his.

Of course she meant the nature. He didn’t have to ask her about it. It was starting to get dark, even though it was barely four in the afternoon. Tonight it was going to be clear. Clear enough to see the Northern Lights.

Ana and Dimitri ran ahead and into the house, wiping their paws on the rug, then waiting for Harm to wipe them down.

He pulled off his snow stuff, stripping down to his jeans, boots, white thermal shirt, and a dark green flannel plaid shirt.

When she pulled off her parka, she revealed she was wearing a black turtleneck and jeans. She had lost weight. A lot of weight actually.

Blinking, she studied his frame as well. He was thin. Gaunt even. He had lost some muscle tone, but she knew that he kept himself working. That’s what everyone at the Lodge said. She knew that the people of this town knew what was going on with just about everyone.

“Ana, Dimitri,” Harm called softly. “Bed.”

One could almost see the disappointment in the faces of the two dogs when they couldn’t sit and watch the brewing fight that was about to happen. They sulked off to their bed, collapsing with drama.

Both stared at each other in silence before Mac finally spoke. “I miss you Harm,” she whispered, her eyes full of pain.

Shaking his head, Harm sank onto the couch. “Don’t,” he whispered. “Please, please just don’t.” He looked up, the lines and bags under his eyes more pronounced by his grief. “Why are you here?”

“Because,” Mac whispered, sitting down next to him. “Because I couldn’t let you go on believe that I cheated on you. I gave you two, almost three months Harm. When I found out from Bud and Harriet that you weren’t coming back and were still here I came looking. I can’t have you believe that anymore.”

“Then what am I supposed to believe?” Harm demanded frustration and anger beginning to creep into the pain of his voice. “How am I supposed to believe that when Clayton Webb your ex-boyfriend is walking down the stairs of my house with his shirt unbuttoned and jacket in hand and you’re standing in the doorway wearing a robe that nothing happened? Tell me that Sarah!”

This was so hard. Tears were rising in her eyes. “Harm,” Mac sobbed. “I didn’t sleep with him! I…I kissed him, but that’s all!”

“That’s all!” Harm exclaimed, jumping up and beginning to pace. “You can’t tell me that you kissed him and then ask me to believe that nothing else happened!”

Biting her lip, Mac turned on the couch to look at him. “Harm,” she whispered insistently. “Sit down and let me talk please.”

He was a renowned lawyer. An excellent lawyer. He had stared witnesses down, making them break on the stand. He had ice water or jet fuel running through his veins. He had saved the lives of thousands by playing tag with a nuclear warhead.

But he broke. At her painful look, he sank down onto the couch next to her. “Go ahead,” he stated.

Sniffling, Mac wiped at her eyes. “I was walking back from the doctor’s,” she began. “And I saw him standing outside the house. We talked and he said that he ran into AJ and AJ told him what had happened with Mattie and…and the baby.” She took a deep breath and continued, fighting through the pain. “I let him inside and we had a few drinks. His with alcohol and even though I wanted it, I stuck with my tonic water.” Smiling slightly, she pressed on. “I thought of kissing him or cheating on you and then I realized how horrible I was. I wanted to get back at you for the grief. In my head I thought you had caused my grief, but…I had done it. You were dealing with your own. Why should you deal with mine as well? So I kissed him. I pulled away quickly and spilled my drink on his shirt and on mine.”

“So you changed and put on your robe, while he changed shirts,” Harm finished, connecting the dots.

Mac nodded, wiping at her eyes. “Yes,” she whispered. “Yes that’s it. I swear Harm, that’s all that happened.”

For almost three months, he had been harboring all of this ill will towards the woman before him. He was hurting from the deaths of his daughters and from the infidelity of his wife.

But when she told her side of the story, when he finally heard another point of view, he felt a weight lift. It was the truth. If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t feel so relieved.

“Oh God,” Harm gasped, burying his face into his hands. “I’m so sorry Mac.”

Shaking her head, Mac let out a sob and flung herself at him. “I’m sorry too,” she sobbed, holding on tightly.

Harm kissed her shoulder, rocking gently. They sat that way for hours, not saying a word, just crying with each other. Crying over their daughters, their grief, and the time they had lost.

Once Mac lifted her head from his shoulder, her eyes raw from the tears. She gasped, staring outside.

Thinking that maybe she saw a bear or wolf, Harm turned, following her gaze with his. He smiled. They were out tonight.

“Come on,” he whispered, tugging at her hand.

Numb from the sight she was staring so stupidly at, Mac followed him. Harm stepped out onto the porch, wrapping his parka around her. He could stay outside for several minutes without a coat, but no longer than that. It was almost thirty below.

“It’s like God,” Mac whispered as the lights danced over the snow. “Oh Harm now I know why you came up here. It’s the perfect therapy.”

“It was,” he murmured, holding onto her tight. When his toes went numb inside his thick socks and boots, he pulled her back into the house, where they turned off all of the lights and simply stared out at the mountains, the trees, the snow, and of course, the Northern Lights.

Pt5

Next Day (12/21)

Issukangitok, Alaska

He had hacked down a tree. When he woke up early that morning, he headed out into the dark with the dogs and a saw. His mother had someone stash Christmas decorations and ornaments in the attic. He found them and brought them down.

Frowning at the tree, he looked at the two dogs, both of them upset at the fact he had outfitted them with sled dog harnesses. Dimitri was chewing at his. Ana just looked disgruntled and calmly sat in the snow, a stone statue among the trees.

“Come here guys,” Harm called out, attaching the ropes from the tree to their harnesses. “Okay, go, run, home!” he yelled, gesturing to the house.

Ana and Dimitri barked and started to run, dragging the tree with them. Snow curled up and into the dark sky, a mini avalanche.

Trudging back from the edge of his woods, Harm followed the tracks back. Another hour of chopping the small pine down so that it would fit into the living room, he began to decorate.

Finally, after three months he was beginning to feel happy, he was starting to feel other emotions other than sadness, pain, and anger.

Noise on the stairs startled him out of his reverie. He smiled slightly at Mac, who was rubbing at her eyes. “Good morning.”

“It’s morning?”

“Ten in the morning.”

Mac looked out the windows and frowned, then looked back at him. “But it’s still pitch black.”

“In the summer it’s light all day. Get used to this dark. It won’t get sunny for another hour and then it will disappear around three,” Harm said, plugging the lights into the wall.

When the tiny twinkle lights lit up the dark pine green tree, Mac smiled. “Well you didn’t short circuit the house.”

“No I didn’t,” Harm commented, studying the tree. “Want to help?”

She shrugged and walked down the rest of the stairs, picking up a shiny Rudolph ornament. She twirled it and looked up at Harm. “Do you think…do you think Sarah would have liked Christmas?”

The mention of their daughter caused Harm to drop the ornament he was holding. That name hadn’t been mentioned to him since her funeral. He bent down, retrieving the ornament.

Silent for several minutes, he continued to carefully hang the delicate glass ornaments. Finally, after Mac figured he was going to ignore her, he answered.

“Yes.”

That was it. Only one word. Only one word regarding the infant who was never allowed to live. Her little heart and lungs were too weak. Too weak for her to survive.

For that, Mac blamed herself.

The tears began again. She hunched forward, dropping the ornament she was holding, beginning to sob. She finally broke. She finally broke when he whispered one word.

Quietly, Harm soothed her, running his hands over her back, letting her get her emotions out. She had never cried this way before. She had never broken this way yet.

He had. He had one of the first days here. The sight of the mountains and of the Lights did it. The beauty of nature had allowed him to cry for the beauty of the little girl he would never see again. And of the beauty of his other daughter, a strong young woman who died too young.

When the tears lessened, Mac lifted her head, staring into his eyes. “Harm,” she whispered, brushing her lips across his.

Harm leaned forward, pressing his lips harder to hers. She let out a soft gasp, grasping hold of his neck, opening her mouth under his. Her whole body was trembling. She had gone so long without feeling his lips under hers.

He was thinking the same thing, wrapping his arms tightly around her thin body. She had gotten so thin.

Mac was thinking the same thing. She could feel his ribs against hers. Where had he gone? He had lost so much weight, so much time.

When they finally pulled away from the soft, tender, yet passionate kiss, Harm could feel Mac’s tears against his cheeks. “Don’t cry,” he whispered, closing his fingers around hers.

“I’m trying not to,” Mac laughed, her voice obscured by the thickness of tears. She leaned back, staring into his cold, icy blue eyes. “Harm…”

“We should wait,” Harm interrupted his voice brusque. “Let’s not rush into things. We still have a lot of problems to discuss.”

She nodded, biting on her lower lip. “Okay,” she whispered, lifting up some tinsel.

He nodded to her and continued to decorate the tree, the dogs watching, the sky dark.

And silently, Mac continued to cry.

Pt 6

Two Hours Later

Issukangitok, Alaska

“Just slide. It’s really very easy,” Harm informed Mac, holding onto her hand. He was attempting to teach her how to snowshoe. She kept sinking into the three feet of snow so he felt he would be beneficial for her to learn.

Huffing and puffing, Mac got up from the soft white powder, brushing it off her ski jacket. After her stay here, there was no need for her to ever work out. Just going to the car after a night’s snow was an aerobic workout. This was even more so.

After a few more falls, Mac finally got the hang of it and followed along with Harm and the dogs into the woods. They hiked for a while in snowshoes before Harm steered them back to the house.

For the next couple of hours they were silent, just content to wander around the grounds, pausing every now and then to simply stare at the mountains. It was cold, of course, but it had warmed up to about five degrees.

Harm was about to ask Mac if maybe she wanted to go into town for lunch when Dimitri went crazy and ran into the woods, Ana immediately behind him, both of them barking and howling.

Alarmed, Mac grabbed Harm’s arm. She could barely feel it through the layers of clothing and his parka. “What are they upset about?”

“Probably a moose,” surmised Harm. He shrugged and moved towards the house. “They’re fine.”

Sounds of crunching snow reverberated through the cold air as he trudged to the house. A devious idea coming into her thoughts, Mac knelt down and scooped up some snow, forming the perfect powder into a perfect ball.

She stood and pulled her arm back, letting loose. The ball spun through the air at the correct velocity and at the right trajectory. It made contact with Harm’s neck.

When he yowled much like the dogs who had just taken off, Mac screeched in laughter and covered her mouth with her hands.

He spun around, his mouth open, eyes wide. “That’s it!” Harm exclaimed, grabbing a handful of snow. He threw it at her, hitting Mac right in the chest.

She screeched and began to throw. Standing in the backyard, Harm and Mac continued in their snowball fight, ending when Harm grabbed Mac’s waist and pulled her into the snow.

Laughing, giggling, and grinning like a bunch of teenagers, they rolled in the snow for a moment before Harm rolled Mac onto her back, staring into her eyes. The smile on Mac’s face disappeared and she slid her thickly gloved hand around to his neck, pulling him in for the long, long kiss.

It seemed like it lasted forever, both of them caught up in the passion they had lost what seemed like so long ago. However, it ended before it could truly begin, when the sounds of pain echoed like gunshots through the woods.

Rocketing up off the ground, Harm darted towards the sound, knowing when his dogs were in trouble. Dimitri was galloping towards them, howling. He turned and raced back to where Harm presumed Ana was injured.

He fell to his knees beside the beautiful white creature, cradling her head in his hands. “Moose wound,” he observed, gently touching the gash in Ana’s thigh. The red on white was shocking and seemed worse than it truly was.

“Is she going to be okay?” Mac asked, holding Dimitri to her. “We should get her to the vet.”

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, snow began to fall. Harm looked up at the nasty storm clouds that were starting to brew. He shook his head and hefted Ana into his arms. “We’re going to get dumped on tonight. They were calling for almost five feet by tomorrow. We need to pack in. I can handle her.”

Nodding, Mac followed Harm back to the house, where he pulled out a huge first aid box and started cleansing Ana’s wound. He gave her a small sedative and began to sew the gash, shaving away at some of her fur and covering it with a bandage.

Once he was finished, Mac found a cone in the closet, presumably, from when one of them was hurt before. She fashioned it around Ana’s neck, much to the animal’s displeasure.

After Ana was cleaned up and resting on her pillow in front of the fire, the snow had already begun to fall so fast Mac could barely see the outlines of the mountains and trees.

“We’re really stuck here aren’t we?” she asked softly, wrapping her arms around her in a semi-self hug.

“Yes,” Harm nodded, bolting the doors shut. He went around making sure he had enough supplies in the house and enough firewood under the tarps on the porch. The guardrails were already up around the house in case he had to go outside for whatever reason.

As for the dogs, well they knew their way around a storm and knew where to go if they had to go outside.

Harm moved about the house, turning off lights and making sure there were no cracks in windows and no excess electricity running.

While he was checking up on things, Mac changed out of her wet clothes, tossing them into the hamper. She was shivering with cold and figured it would be time to take a hot shower.

As she moved around her room, looking for her robe, the door creaked open. “Mac?”

She let out a scream and grabbed the robe. “Harm you scared me!”

“Oh, sorry,” Harm apologized, leaning against the doorframe. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine. I was just going to get a shower,” she informed him, walking over to face him. “In fact…” Mac trailed off. “You should get one too.”

Harm cocked his head and leaned down. “I think I’m fine.”

“You’re wet,” Mac whispered, raising an eyebrow. “You need a long, hot, steamy shower,” she sounded out, wrapping her hands around his neck, pulling him in for a long kiss.

They still needed to talk. They still needed to learn how to trust again. Both had to finish the grieving process. They had lost two daughters and each other in the span of nine months. Any normal person would have crumbled and they both did.

Both were human.

Instead of breaking the kiss, as he should have done, Harm forgot everything. For the first time in three months, he didn’t think of Mattie, he didn’t think of his daughter who never got a chance to live. He didn’t think of Mac and Webb.

Steam rose in the rustic bathroom, rising to the ceiling as the mirror fogged over from not only the hot water, but the passion of the occupants on the other side of the dark green shower curtain.

She was between a rock hard body and a hard wall. It was the most comfortable she had felt in a year. Mac rested her forehead against Harm’s shoulder, her arms around his neck, and her legs around his waist.

“I love you,” she whispered into his ear, tears falling down her cheeks, mingling with her sweat and the scalding hot water.

He shut his eyes tightly, fighting against his own tears. Harm rested his forehead against the tiled wall, stroking her thigh absentmindedly as he held her to him. Why couldn’t he say the words? He wanted to say them, but why wouldn’t they come out?

“Sarah…” he trailed off, brushing her lips with his.

Mac’s eyes lazily opened, staring into his cold blue ones. Despite the heat they had generated and the heat of the shower, they were still cold. She slid her legs down, holding onto him for support as she found her balance again.

“Harm I know you can’t say it yet,” she whispered, drawing circles on his collarbone with her thumb. “But you’re going to have to. We have to work this out. We have to let go. You have to let go.”

“Let go of what?” Harm asked, playing coy as he began to suck on her neck.

She pushed him away, staring into his eyes. “Don’t joke Harm. I’m not. I came here to get you and bring you back home. Home to us. Home where we can make up and finish grieving.”

Ignoring the blast of cold air that hit him when he flung back the shower curtain, Harm grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist. He stalked out of the bathroom, pushing by a whining Dimitri and into his room.

Right behind him was Mac, who was hurriedly tying the sash on her blood red satin robe. She stood there, dripping wet in her robe while Harm simply stared out the window, dripping water onto the wooden floor.

“You can’t run away from this talk!” Mac snapped, her sadness gone, replaced by frustration and anger. “You can’t run away from Sarah or Mattie or me! Not like you did coming here! You know Harm I always figured you were a man who faced his problems but for the past three months you’ve done a damn good job of acting like a coward.”

He spun on his heel, eyes flashing. “I ran away because I had no where else to go!” he yelled right back. “I thought you had cheated on me with…HIM. Both of my daughters were dead and I didn’t have anyone else! So I came here and quite frankly I’ve started to heal. I’m not fully done grieving Mac. Not like you.”

Her mouth fell to the floor. “Me? You think I’m done grieving? Harm I cry every night. I miss Mattie so much it hurts. If you think I miss our daughter…Harm I’m the reason she’s dead. How do you think that makes me feel when I go to sleep?”

Harm’s heart hurt. There was so much emotion it could take. “Mac you didn’t kill our daughter,” he whispered. “Nothing caused her death. Nothing but a cruel twist of fate.”

“And Mattie?” Mac retorted.

He wasn’t prepared for her to say that. He blamed himself for Mattie’s passing. He pushed her. He wanted her to walk again and she died because of him.

“Mattie…” he trailed off, tears rising at the thought of Mattie. He hadn’t thought about her in a way other than missing her. Other than her death, her funeral, everything after she left him.

Her personality. The way she could never get her hair the way she wanted. Her smile, laugh. It was all too much.

She was gone and he would never see her again.

For only the second time since her death, he finally broke. The wave finally washed over him and he cried.

Mac reached for him and they both sank to the floor while Harm sobbed into her neck. She cried too, rocking him with her, both of them finally letting go of their pain.

While the snow swirled outside, their emotions went with it.