~~~To
All The Girls I’ve Loved Before~~~
Harm sat there
bewildered, staring at Maddie as if she had two heads. “You want to talk about what?” his voice loud
and incredulous. The eruption was of
volcanic proportions, enough to disturb Zolly.
Deciding to find a safer place to nap than in the cross-hairs of the big
guy on the sofa, the furry cat dashed under Maddie’s chair and wove himself
between her legs before scampering off to his favorite hiding place under the
desk.
“Harm, I want you
to . . .” Maddie said, leaning forward slightly to clarify her statement
again. This time she spoke just a little
slower, figuring he didn’t hear her clearly.
“I heard you loud
and clear the first time, counselor. What I don’t understand is what any of my
past . . . girlfriends . . . has to do with this . . . whatever you’d call it,”
he shot back, waving his hand for emphasis.
Hearing what sounded like a snicker coming from his right, he threw an
annoyed glance toward Mac, his raised eyebrow cautioning her.
For as amusing as
his exasperated look was, she restrained herself without further hesitation,
feeling guilty for laughing at Harm’s visceral reaction to someone wanting to
dissect his love life. Mac knew all too
well that it was serious business. These
sessions were like pulling a loose thread on a well-worn sweater—pull it the
wrong way and it would unravel the hem.
With Harm, if Maddie pulled it the wrong way, it would probably unravel
the whole lot.
Trying to keep her
frustration with him under control, Maddie continued, “Harm, if you remember
correctly, Mac discussed her past relationships, including parental influence
in her life. In order for ME to have
insight into what makes YOU tick, I need to hear about yours as well.” No wonder these two can’t communicate—the
male species clearly speaks in one language and hears another—damn fighter
jocks, she thought, gritting her teeth.
“They ought to come with an instruction manual or at least a translation
guide,” she muttered under her breath.
“Fine—do you want
to start in-utero or shall I just jump to the teenage years—your choice.” Harm
gestured with his hands mockingly before crossing them on his chest
defiantly. I’ll be damned if I’m going
to make this easy for her, he thought.
Maddie sighed
loudly and rolled her eyes, her irritation with him becoming quite evident,
especially to Mac. At least I don’t feel
so alone in the frustrated-by-Harm department, she thought. Better get a handle on him before Maddie
throttles him.
“Down, Sailor. Would you just give Maddie the benefit of the
doubt? Please? She knows what she’s doing. We’ve come this far,” she said, her voice low
and fraught with insistence, hoping he’d heed her not-so-subtle warning.
Harm was about to
voice his irritation with the whole situation once again when Maddie’s phone
rang, taking her attention away from them.
“Excuse me for a
moment,” Maddie said. She set their
chart down on her chair before running off to get the phone. With a sigh, she welcomed the
distraction. You’re a lucky man,
Commander, she thought, turning her back to both of them to make the call as
private as possible.
Mac watched Maddie
for a second, and then leaned in toward Harm, “I’m sorry I laughed—I was out of
line,” she whispered, her voice taking on a serious tone.
Relaxing a little
at her sincerity, Harm managed a small smile.
“I guess I better learn to loosen up a bit, huh?” he asked. That was probably as close to an
acknowledgement of being an ass as it’s going to get, Mac thought, taking it
for what it was worth.
“You have to admit,
though, you do make an easy target, Commander Control Freak,” she snickered,
trying to add just a smidgen of levity to the situation.
Harm chuckled,
“You’re funny,” for lack of anything better to say. His mood had tempered
somewhat with Mac’s attempt at humor.
Even though he was uncomfortable with his turn before this firing squad
of one, he resigned himself to the fact that it all was necessary. These sessions weren’t a walk in the park for
them by any means. If they were ever
going to get past whatever it was that came between them, they would have to
work together. Besides, Mac went through
hell for me too many times. Why should I
be immune?
Right at that
moment, Maddie finished her phone call and returned to her chair across from
them. “I’m sorry about the
interruption—my
The disturbance of
the phone call was just enough to give the three of them some time to
regroup. Thank goodness for good timing,
otherwise I would’ve found a new place to put my fuzzy slippers, Maddie thought
with a sly smile aimed in Harm’s direction.
Harm straightened
his posture on the sofa and decided to put forth his best effort—not for
Maddie—but for Mac. It wasn’t going to be easy, but the least he could do was
try. Looking over at her, it didn’t take
much for him to remember how distraught she was yesterday. Again, one question echoed in Harm’s troubled
mind—why did we let it get this far?
Maddie collected
her thoughts, determined to get them on the right track today. She realized
that jumping right into things with Harm right after her private meeting with
Mac probably wasn’t in their best interest.
More than anything, she wanted Harm to be a little bit more forthcoming
about his past and hopefully, how it affects his relationship with Mac. From what she had observed, he was a true
officer and a gentleman, despite his stubbornness. Case in point—his protectiveness and undying
loyalty to Mac. Having watched his
interactions with her, especially today, she could see glimmers of hope in
their relationship. Yet, he was still
holding something back. It was as if he
had built a fortress around himself for whatever reason. Deciding it was better to back-track for a
moment than to piss off the Commander again, Maddie thought that maybe a review
of sorts was in order.
“Let’s recap for a
moment,” she said to Harm and Mac, looking for their approval. Both nodded their heads simultaneously in
silent agreement.
Continuing,
“Yesterday we ended our session discussing Mac’s relationship with her father
and how it affected the relationships with men in her life. Harm, you had agreed to let Mac discuss the
recent events troubling her with me privately.
Mac, do you want to give Harm a brief synopsis about what we discussed
earlier? It’s up to you.”
Thinking about it
for a moment, Mac wondered how best to approach this issue. Her first instinct was to say ‘no,’
especially since discussing Harm with Harm wasn’t on her agenda right now. But, keeping him completely in the dark
wasn’t right either. Giving it another
thought, she figured she could give him an overview of what she had told Maddie
without getting into too much detail.
Fifty words or less should be enough, she calculated.
“I told Maddie
about the nightmare last night—how it made me feel lost, and that her statement
about unconditional love really rings true.
I don’t think I’ve ever had it or . . .
found it . . . yet,” she said, hesitating briefly.
Mac tried to avoid
looking at Harm, but couldn’t help stealing a glance in his direction. She wondered if he could see right through
her. Offering a small smile before
averting her eyes, she prayed that they didn’t give too much of her true
feelings away. Yes, she loved him. But . . . there is always a ‘but,’ she
thought. How does he feel about me—here
and now—in the present tense?
Having watched Mac
while she was summing up her private tête-à-tête with Maddie, Harm wondered if
there was something she was leaving out.
He got the impression that there was, but he couldn’t put his finger on
it. Of course, her conversation with
Maddie was private—just between the two of them. If she had wanted me to know, she would have
let me stay in the room.
Suddenly, Brumby
came to mind. What if the nightmare she
had had was about him? What if she still
harbors feelings for him and she doesn’t want me to know? The thoughts dancing around Harm’s head made
his heart race. He tried to tell himself
that if Mac wanted Brumby back, she would have done it by now. But he still couldn’t stop his mind from
working overtime. He fought off a wave
of nausea, swallowing hard. Just the
mere thought of Mac wanting Bugme back was killing him.
“Any comments,
Harm?” Maddie asked, drawing him back from the trance he seemed to have settled
into. She wanted to open the door for him to say something—anything—to Mac
about her summary of their conversation. But he sat there with this paled look on his
face.
Sure, I have
comments. Questions even. Like whom or
what did you talk about besides the nightmare?
What aren’t you telling me? Harm
sighed, looking at Mac again, saying, “I’m glad you told Maddie about the
nightmare,” leaving the rest of his thoughts tucked away for the time being
inside his preoccupied mind.
Nodding her head,
Mac was relieved that Harm didn’t push her to divulge anything more than she
had to. For now, she was content with
his response, even though she could see questions written all over his
face—questions she wasn’t ready to answer.
Eventually, the time and place would come when she could tell him
everything, no holds barred. But until
then, he would have to be patient with her.
You were not
convincing in the least bit, Commander Rabb, Maddie thought. Why don’t you just ask her what you really
want to know? Rather than make this
about Mac, yet again, she decided to move on.
“Harm, let’s go
back to my original question—how your relationships with women affected your
life.”
Sighing, Harm
attempted to find a comfortable spot on the sofa. He knew she’d get around to it soon enough—no
amount of stalling would make the question disappear. The one thing he truly
didn’t want to get into was explaining women like Maria Elena Carmelita Gutierrez and Kate Pike. There had been a few women like them in his
life—but each filled a need that he had had at that time. By no means did he think he was a womanizer
or a playboy—and he didn’t want Maddie to get that impression either.
Mentally he ticked off the names of the others—Diane, Bobbie, Jordan,
Annie and Renee’—hell, I’m a dead man, he thought. Maddie’s going to think I’m some type of
Romeo. He decided that it was in his
best interest to keep the information as simple and to the point as possible.
Harm glanced toward
Mac and suddenly felt a little awkward.
She knew all about these women, some more than others. However, discussing his love life in front of
her and Maddie made him just a little nervous.
Actually, uncomfortable was a better word. He took a long drink from his glass of water,
sighing after he removed it from his lips.
By no means was he satiated. He
could drink a whole pitcher right now and his mouth would still feel like it
was filled with cotton.
“All right—where do
you want me to start?” he asked reluctantly, wiping a stray drop of water from
the corner of his mouth with his fingers.
Even with all his emergency ejections, he had never felt more edgy than
he did at this exact moment.
Maddie referenced
her notes, “Well, I remember three women that you or Mac had mentioned in past
sessions: Bobbie, Renee’ and Diane.
Which of those three did you date first?”
“Well, uh, Diane
was,” he said, detesting that he had to resurrect her again, more so for Mac’s
sake. They had already beckoned her
ghost once before—when Mac had asked him ‘Is it because I look like her?’ Their similarities began and ended with their
looks—that he was certain of—but he wasn’t quite convinced that Mac was. At some point, he knew that he would need to
convince her of it.
Maddie proceeded,
“What was your relationship with her?”
From their session yesterday, she had assumed Mac and this woman bore a
resemblance to one another close enough to shake up Harm. And it shook Harm up because this Diane was
an old girlfriend, she surmised.
“We were classmates
at the academy. As midshipmen, we never
really had time to date, but we were close.” Harm paused. Recalling all of this was still, to some extent,
painful. “We both saw other people
during that time, even after we graduated.”
“What happened
after you graduated?”
“We went our
separate ways but wrote to each other often.
Over time, we had grown closer . . . I knew I had loved her. When we finally decided to see if it was
enough to build a relationship on . . . she died.”
“That must have
been horrible for you. Yesterday, Mac
had a concern that because she resembled Diane it had become a point of
contention between the two of you.
Especially when it came to your interpersonal relationship,” Maddie
said, choosing her words carefully.
According to the observations she had written in her file, Mac had still
felt it was.
“That day I saw Mac
for the first time . . . it was like she—Diane—was standing right there. The resemblance was so uncanny,” he said,
looking in Mac’s direction. He wondered
what was going through her mind right now.
He couldn’t begin to imagine what that must feel like—to look like
someone else. Especially if that someone
else was once your best friend’s lost love.
Thank God I don’t resemble Bugme, he mused, trying to keep the malice
out of his thoughts.
Mac remembered that
day vividly—Harm paling at the sight of her, the clamminess of his hand when he
shook hers—it was enough to make the hair on the back of her neck stand
straight up.
You two know each other?
Yes, Sir. /No, Sir. They
had responded together.
Oh, I'm sorry Major. Course I don't know
you. I just had a moment of deja vu.
Must be the uniform.
No, actually, she was in the Navy.
It had taken some
time for her to get used to the occasional long glances from him, almost
certainly accompanied by the distant memory of Diane. Eventually, she believed he no longer looked
at her in that way. Either that or she
grew accustomed to his stares. And when
she had ‘played’ Diane to help catch the killer—complete with the Navy
uniform—Harm had kissed her with such tenderness. It was as if he was kissing a ghost that
would vanish at any second. Even back
then, she had had feelings for him—deep feelings that often puzzled her. For a split second that night, she hoped it
was her he was kissing, not Diane. For
one fleeting, enchanted moment, she felt he was.
I know, you were kissing her.
Those six words
still lingered somewhere in Mac’s universe—yet another mystery left
unsolved. And if it was Diane he thought
he was kissing, would that matter today—here and now? That was a lifetime ago as far as she was
concerned—greater things had happened since then to affect them.
“How did her death
make you feel?” Maddie asked.
“I was
crushed. We never had a chance to get
our relationship out of those letters.
She was gone and it left me feeling . . . empty,” he replied softly, as
the memory of seeing her lifeless form in the body bag battered him yet
again. Although he was emotionally
scarred from her death, the pain had lessened as years had passed and he’d gone
on with his life. Time heals all wounds,
or so they say, he thought with a sigh.
Hearing those words
from Harm made Mac’s heart ache for him, even though all this had occurred in
his life long before they had ever met.
She knew how the deaths of
The snapping and
crackling of the fire in the hearth echoed in the silence of the room. Maddie gave Harm a moment to breathe before
she pressed on with her questions.
“How long after
Diane was gone did you start seeing other women again?”
There were several
ways to answer this—the ones that were transitory moments or the ones that
lasted until he screwed up and they left.
Deciding he wouldn’t get into the ones that fell into that other
category, he figured Annie—Luke Pendry’s Annie—was probably next.