~~~Of
Fathers and Sons~~~
Harm took a deep
breath and ran his hand through his hair.
He hadn’t talked about Annie and Josh with anyone in a very long
time. In fact, he hadn’t heard from her
since that day she ended things with him four and a half years ago. Of course, taking Josh on the adventure from
hell—against her wishes no less—probably had some role in her decision, he thought. Whatever the reason, she had become just one
more in a long line of failed relationships.
He sighed, “Um, I
guess it was about two years after Diane died.
I had an occasional date here and there.
If you’re asking about relationships I had after her, Annie was next. Her husband Luke was a classmate of mine—he
and I went to flight school together.”
A shocked Maddie
looked at Harm, interrupting him before he had the chance to continue, “You
dated a married woman?” She tried to
keep the incredulous tone in her voice down to a dull roar.
“No!” Harm quickly
corrected her, “I would never do that!
Her husband, Luke, was killed in a test-flight accident.”
“Oh,” Maddie
replied with a sigh of relief. She didn’t think he was that kind of man, but in
the course of these sessions, she’d found out he was full of surprises. “I’m sorry to hear that,” she added
genuinely.
Harm continued,
“We—Annie and I—didn’t start seeing each other until nearly a year after Luke
had died—after she moved to Baltimore.
He left behind a son, Josh.”
Mac remembered
Annie quite well. In fact, the first
time she met her, her first impression was that she was a frightened, needy
woman. In her opinion, Annie never got
over the death of her husband—and that, basically, had left her scared of life
in general.
Neurotic Annie—she
had called her that on one occasion.
Well, it wasn’t exactly an occasion.
It was when she had shown up drunk at the courtroom after
Harmon Rabb Jr., so righteous, so pure. You
never had a weak moment in your life, did you?
I'm gonna wait outside.
Oh wait a minute I forgot. Yeah, you have had weak moments. Of course. Your
long lost father. Neurotic Annie.
They always say that
hindsight is twenty-twenty. Recalling
that moment, Mac realized how horrible she was to Harm. She still regretted it profoundly, as she did
the moment she sobered up. Although she
did truly feel Annie had her problems, she should have never thrown that into
Harm’s face. Yet, she knew that nothing
he could ever do would be enough to diminish Annie’s unfounded fears. Mac often wondered what it was that Harm saw
in her.
After making a few
notes, Maddie asked, “Who initiated the relationship?”
“I guess it was
mutual,” Harm said with a shrug. “We had
become close while she was still living in
He wondered if this
had happened today, would they have ended up together. They were both at a juncture in their lives
where they craved the security that comes from a relationship. The loss of Luke was still very fresh in
Annie’s life. And, having just found out
that his father might still be alive somewhere in
“How did you feel
about her son?” Maddie pressed,
wondering if the presence of Annie’s son had something to do with the
dissolution of their relationship.
“Josh? I cared a
lot about him. I guess I sort of
identified with him—having lost my father at a young age too. We had this bond between us.”
This was news to
Maddie. She hadn’t realized Harm had
grown up without a father—like Mac—but she was sure his circumstances were
different. And now, hearing about Josh,
and Harm’s relationship with his mother, Maddie was curious about the basis of
it. Even though she didn’t know the
whole story, her past experiences with these situations made her wonder if Harm
was trying to fill a void in his life—by trying to fill a void in someone
else’s. Again, Maddie quickly jotted some notes and then decided to explore
this a little more.
“How old were you
when you lost your father?”
Alarms suddenly
started going off in Mac’s head. She
knew instantly where Maddie was going with this. Her first instinct was to end this discussion
before it begins. Harm had been through
enough hell over the years searching for his father. Maddie had no idea what she was getting
herself into. Everything he had done in
his life, up to this point, had been driven by the loss of his father—she had
known this better than anyone had.
Following Harm to Russia, she was a first-hand witness to his elation
when there was a glimmer of hope he could still be alive—and she was there to
comfort him during the painful realization that he had died, nearly eleven
years after he was shot down.
That memory was so
vivid she could practically feel the crisp air and hear the Russian woman’s
thick dialect. Translating those words
for Harm was probably the hardest thing she’s ever had to do—for anybody. With every sentence she spoke, she could feel
his heart breaking, his hopes crushed.
Even though he learned his father died a hero—saving the woman from a
certain death—it could never replace the anguish he felt at that very moment.
Looking over at him
now, she worried what opening this Pandora’s Box of heartache would do to
him. In recent years, he didn’t discuss
it much. But Mac always knew the moment
his blue eyes would cloud over, he was succumbing to those painful
memories. Right now, his brilliant eyes
were cast downward. That familiar ache
of loss was back. She knew he was
feeling it because the ache consumed her as well. Just as Mac was about to put a stop to it
all, Harm spoke. The catch in his voice
as he started to speak again left Mac struggling to keep her emotions under
control.
“Six—I was six
years old.” Harm’s voice drifted off as the words caught in his throat. “His plane was shot down over
“So, he was a
pilot,” Maddie continued, matching the somber tone of his voice with a
soothing, gentle one. Getting emotionally wrapped up in their stories was
making her vulnerable. Yet again, she
was coming precariously close to that fine line of counselor she walked. Looking at the man sitting in front of her,
she saw him as a fatherless boy, lost in a turbulent sea of emotions.
“Yeah—I always knew
I wanted to be just like him when I grew up.” He paused for a moment, and then
said with a sad smile, “He was my hero.”
Closing his eyes, he could picture himself—the young boy seated in a
fighter jet, his father standing by his side—pride beaming on his face. It was one of his greatest and fondest
memories of him. One that he swore he would never forget.
Harm stood up and
walked over to the table in the corner where the pitcher of water sat, and
poured another glass. He wasn’t thirsty;
he just needed a distraction to compose himself. Maddie’s latest venture into his past was eliciting
emotions he had kept in the corner of his heart marked ‘classified’. Okay, so those close to him, especially Mac,
knew about his father and all the heartache that came with it. Hell, she lived it by following him to
But Maddie—she was
just a stranger who probably could tell you how to feel about it, without truly
understanding what it was like to experience it. Taking a drink from the glass, Harm suddenly
snapped back to the reality of the moment, angry, yet curious, about Maddie’s
present line of questioning.
“How does this fit
in to my relationships with Annie?” Try
as he may to keep the acidity out of his words, he knew he had failed
miserably. He stood across the room from
Maddie, his stance challenging her—daring her—to tell him what or how he was
supposed to feel about losing his father.
“When you were
talking about Annie, you told me that you identified with Josh since he lost
his father, like you had.”
“But I still don’t
get where it fits in,” his blue eyes flashing with resentment. He felt this discussion of his father was
becoming sacrilegious to his memory.
Mac was now on the
edge of her seat, prepared to put an end to the torture-Harm conversation,
“Maddie . . .” she began, before the counselor put a stop to it with a wave of
her hand. Fine, I hope you know what
you’re getting into, Mac thought, sitting back against the sofa, her arms
crossed. If Harm got pissed, she wasn’t
stopping him this time.
Although she hated
interrupting Mac from interjecting whatever it was she wanted to say, Maddie
knew she needed Harm to see her point.
She wasn’t quite sure how to get him to understand without telling him
outright. After considering her options,
Maddie thought it was best to let him tell her more about his father through
discussion points on his relationship with Annie.
“Let’s go back for
a moment. How long did your relationship
with Annie last?”
Shrugging his
shoulders, Harm said, “I don’t know exactly—maybe a few months.”
Moving back across
the room, Harm sat down on the sofa, just a little closer to Mac than he had
before. The warmth of her concerned
smile seemed to beckon him beside her.
Right now, he needed an ally in all this discussion. And this Marine, this best friend, the one
person who went with him farther than anyone he ever knew, was the only person
who could hold him together when he felt like falling apart. She was probably the one and only thing
keeping him from ending all this here and now.
And as she touched his arm, her energy flooded his body, giving strength
to his soul.
Pressing on, Maddie
asked, “Who ended the relationship?”
“Annie did,” he
said stoically, deciding he would cooperate with Maddie.
“What happened that
made her end it?”
“I had taken Josh
on a, um, sailing trip,” he said without looking up from the glass he still
held in his hands.
“She ended it over
a sailing trip you took her son on?” Maddie asked, figuring by Harm’s
hesitation that there was more to this story.
“Well, it wasn’t
exactly just a sailing trip. It was a
Tiger Cruise on a US Navy frigate.”
“What was so bad
about that?”
“Well, Annie didn’t
want Josh around anything Navy. I didn’t
think she’d approve, so I sort of glossed over the truth,” Harm replied. Approve?
She would have blown a gasket if I told her, he thought.
“Glossed over the
truth?” a confused Maddie asked.
“Yeah—I told her I
was taking Josh sailing for the weekend to
“And you didn’t
tell her the truth because . . .”
“Because of how
Luke died, the last thing Annie wanted for Josh was a life in the military, let
alone to be around it. The boy was so
fascinated with all of it. It was in his
blood—he wanted to be just like his father.
So I took him—I didn’t see how it would hurt anything.”
Mac remembered
trying to keep Annie calm during the whole ordeal. In a sense, Annie’s greatest fear was coming
true—Josh was realizing his dream of being like his dad—the one thing she tried
her hardest to prevent. Despite Harm’s
lie, Mac knew his intentions were never to hurt Josh or turn him against his
mother. Being blindsided by his dreams
and reliving them through Josh, Harm felt he was doing the right thing at the
time. Telling Annie that was one thing,
getting her to believe it was an insurmountable task.
“How did you tell
her about the trip?”
Harm paused,
recalling the event, “Well, she found out from the Admiral. Um, the trip turned out to be more than we
bargained for. We were hijacked by Cuban
terrorists. Nothing happened to us; we were fine, despite the whole ordeal.”
“Is there anything
that you do that isn’t dangerous?” Maddie asked, completely flabbergasted by
this man’s experiences.
Harm blushed for a
second, “Uh, well, the courtroom is probably the least dangerous—more or
less.” That is if you don’t fire a
weapon at the ceiling, he mused.
Maddie shook her
head and muttered an “unbelievable” before composing herself to continue. As she made notes in their chart, she
silently chastised herself to keep her remarks to herself.
“Anyway, so Annie
ended the relationship because you lied,” she recapped, trying to put her focus
on where it belonged.
“Well, if you put
it that way, yeah.” Harm took a deep
breath and set his glass down on the coffee table in front of him. Thinking for a moment, he added, “She felt I
turned her son against her. Looking
back, it—deceiving her—wasn’t the best decision. I figured we’d go and then tell her about it
afterward. I regret lying to her. But, I didn’t want Josh to be afraid of life
like Annie was.”
“Did that make it
right?”
“I guess not. I know how it feels to want to be so much
like your dad. Josh wanted to be like
his dad too. I didn’t want to see him
deprived of that experience,” Harm’s voice faded off as his words were starting
to sink in. He finally understood the
point that Maddie was trying to drive home.
“I see,” Harm
uttered softly. He sighed and scrubbed
his face with his hands. In all these
years, he thought he wanted to be with Annie because of her, when in fact all
along it was because of Josh. He was
reliving his life through Josh. Harm
knew he could never replace Luke as Josh’s father—he never tried to do that. He remembered his first thoughts after Annie
walked out the door, ‘What about Josh?’
And seeing the confused look on the boy’s face as he left the bullpen
tore at his heart. All the pain he felt
afterward was a result of the loss of Josh, not Annie.
Watching Harm’s
emotions play out on his face, Maddie wondered if she should continue for
today. In reality, their session was
over time-wise. However, considering
that there was progress afoot, she felt continuing was probably in
his—their—best interest. And considering
her
“I know our session
is about over. But, in the interest of
progress, I would like to continue if that’s okay with the both of you,” Maddie
asked, hoping that they would agree.
Mac turned to Harm
and in the smallest of voices asked, “You okay with this?” again resting her
hand on his arm.
Harm looked at her,
“Only if you’ll stay with me,” he said softly, sending the message to her that
she was wanted and needed in his life.
It caught her by surprise when he caressed her hand as it rested on his
arm. Unable to find the words, she
nodded her head, her eyes never leaving his.
Maddie observed the
exchange between the two officers—Mac’s concerned tenderness and Harm’s willing
acquiescence—with a new appreciation for their relationship, the one neither could
see they were already in. Unconditional
love isn’t as elusive as they think it is, she mused.
In the beginning,
she wasn’t sure what discussing Harm’s previous relationships would do to
them. Sure, he reacted like any normal
man having his love-life dissected. But,
as of this moment, it didn’t seem to faze Mac all that much. The only thing that seemed to upset her was
the discussion of Harm’s father, of which she was sure, was a protective
mechanism. It had become quite apparent
to Maddie that Harm and Mac protected each other intuitively, especially when
the emotional well-being of the other was on the line.
Shuffling through
the pages in their file, Maddie sought a clean sheet of paper to write on. They had only been seeing her for a week and
now their folder was thicker than most clients’ files were. She was certain that if they were to continue
for a while, they’d probably need their own drawer in the file cabinet.
After organizing
herself briefly, Maddie looked at Harm thoughtfully, wondering how to continue
this discussion. Her earlier little
outburst about his dangerous encounters left her feeling a little
embarrassed. Usually her interjections
into clients’ sessions were thought provoking, clinical observations—not
childish comments. Resolving to keep the
banter to a minimum, she continued with a renewed confidence in her abilities.
“Tell me about
losing your father,” she said gently.
Harm sighed and
made himself as comfortable as he could on the sofa, resting his right ankle on
top of his left thigh. He knew he wasn’t
going to get out of this room without further talk of his father. Silently he hoped it would be over with
quickly, if not painlessly. He was
mentally exhausted already with the course of events so far today. For the first time in years, he longed for an
afternoon nap to clear his head.
Mac braced herself.
She wasn’t sure where Maddie was taking all this. What she did know—nothing could drag her from
this room and Harm’s side. He needed her
to help him get through this, just as he did in
“Like I said
before,” Harm began with a deep breath, “Dad was shot down Christmas Eve, 1969,
when I was six. The Navy had listed him
as MIA. For the first year or so, every
time the phone would ring or there was a knock on the door, we wondered if it
was him, coming home.”
Sighing a little
while he recalled that time in his life, he continued, “Mom had some tapes he
had sent, along with some letters. She
let me listen to them and read them—I knew them by heart—every last
syllable. Whenever I closed my eyes, I
could hear his voice clearly in my head.
As time went on, Mom had resigned herself that he wasn’t coming back.”
Maddie leaned
forward, completely absorbed by Harm’s story.
She listened intently to his voice fraught with emotion, knowing that
talking about all this was agonizing for him.
If it were not for his bond with Josh, this probably would never have
been brought up. But hearing how he
spoke of his father, Maddie was getting the feeling that his dad was quite the
driving force in his life—not just as a child but as an adult too.
Maddie hated to ask
her next question, but she had to. “Did they ever find him?”
“No,” he replied
almost inaudibly. Harm was absentmindedly
playing with his pant leg, keeping his eyes cast downward. He sighed and then looked over at Mac,
finding her watching him attentively.
Comforted by her presence, he managed a slight smile before he
continued.
“Eventually any MIA
were declared KIA by the government,” he continued. “Mom kept up hope for as long as she
could. We started getting on with our
lives . . . at least she did. Mom
started dating again and eventually remarried—Frank—my stepfather.” Harm lingered in his thoughts for a moment,
and then said, “I didn’t listen to the tapes as much when I got older—I didn’t
have to.”
“Was that hard for
you—your mother remarrying?”
“Yeah, it was. In my mind, Dad was still alive and . . . out
there somewhere. I couldn’t believe that
my mom had given up hope and found someone else. When I turned sixteen, I ran off to Southeast
Asia to try to find him.”
Maddie swallowed
hard to avoid choking up. Hearing that
as a teenager, he went in search of his lost father tore at her heart. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep her
emotions where they belonged. Allowing
herself to become so emotionally attached to them was beginning to take its
toll on her.
Pulling herself
together quickly, she continued, “What made you want to do that?”
For a moment, Harm
thought about how he would answer that, distractedly picking lint from his
pants to keep himself from making eye-contact with her. It wasn’t that he didn’t know the answer—he
did—actually explaining it was a different story. What drove him then was the very same
instinct that drew him to Russia in 1998.
Speaking with
conviction, Harm answered Maddie’s question, “Something in my gut—in my
heart—told me he was still alive. I just
had to act on it.”
“You didn’t find
him, did you?” Maddie had surmised that
he didn’t, but she still needed him to acknowledge her question.
“No,” he replied
softly.
“Where did that
leave your relationship with your stepfather?”
Harm knew how to
answer to this one immediately. It
wasn’t until recently that they had come to terms with the past and put it to
rest. But those years in between were far from smooth sailing.
“It was tense. Actually, at the time, I had resented him for
marrying my mother. After that, Frank
and I never had a close relationship—mostly my fault, I guess. Yet, I still respected him—because that’s
what I was taught to do.”
Making note of
this, Maddie then asked, “Did you resent your mother?”
Harm searched his
heart, trying to find an honest answer.
“I guess I did to some extent.
She gave up the hope she had instilled in me. I still had it and . . . she lost it,” he
said with a wave of his hand for emphasis.
Pausing for a
moment, he gave more thought to what he had said about his mom. Repositioning his legs, he added, “I know now
she needed to get on with her life. I
just didn’t understand that then.”
To some extent, Mac
had known most of what Harm was telling Maddie—Trish remarrying, his
relationship with Frank. Yet, hearing
him use the word ‘resent’, astounded her.
She had used it quite commonly to describe her own childhood, but it
wasn’t something she ever thought she’d hear Harm say about his mother and
step-father. She admired him for being
so honest about his life. Part of her
expected him to be closed to this type of discussion, yet he surprised her with
an openness she hadn’t seen in a very long time.
Maddie wasn’t
shocked to hear how Harm felt about his mom and step-father. The loss of his father turned his world
upside down in an instant. Righting it
would take longer. She wondered for a moment if there was some underlying
abandonment issues—not the physical kind, but the emotional ones that leave you
feeling disconnected and alone.
Being an only
child, it was just Harm and his mother in those early years after his father
had died. They probably had developed a
closeness—a bond—that he felt she had broken when she married Frank, Maddie
surmised, making a few notes. A mother is
the first woman a boy loves. If he feels
that he has lost that love to another man, it—in all likelihood—might make him
feel unworthy of another woman’s love.
Could this be Harm in a nut-shell?
Rather than open this can of worms right now, Maddie decided to
continue.
“What happened
after you came back from Southeast Asia?”
“I did my best to
get on with my life,” Harm replied. “I
had decided to try for an appointment to Annapolis. It was something that I had known I wanted to
do—because of my father. I needed to
follow in his footsteps.”
“When did you
decide that it was time to stop believing he was alive?”
Maddie’s question
caught him off guard a little. In a
matter of seconds, he was spiraling back through time to the exact moment he
found out. All those years, hoping and
searching and wishing came to a jarring halt on a mountaintop in Russia one
sunny afternoon. The only thing he could
liken the experience to was his ramp strike—except the crushing pain he had
felt was an all-consuming one centered in his heart.
“The day that I was
told he was dead . . . four and a half years ago,” he said in an anguished
whisper.
Harm leaned
forward, burying his face in his hands.
Mac moved instinctively with him, moving her body closer to his, her
left hand soothingly caressing his hair, moving down to his back. The tears his body had refused to let him
shed were pooling in her eyes.
“Oh my God,” Maddie
muttered to herself disbelievingly, covering her mouth with her hand. Suddenly, she realized that she was
right—the loss of his father was the compass that directed his life. She watched as Mac gently comforted him,
whispering something inaudible into his ear.
Harm nodded his head in reply to whatever it was she had said to him. He then leaned back against the sofa,
composing himself.
Before Maddie could
press him for further details, Harm was speaking again, his voice stronger than
before. She was certain that Mac’s
presence—the love and concern she had shown—was the impetus for him to get
through this.
“I had found some
documents while investigating the death of a Navy pilot in 1997. It was a list
of MIA’s and POW’s supposedly still alive and in Russia under KGB
control.” Harm paused to take a breath,
“My dad’s name was on that list.”
“Incredible,”
Maddie sighed, leaning back against her chair, closing the file on her
lap. She couldn’t write now to save her
life. More so, she was afraid that if
she looked away, she’d miss a key element to his story.
“Several months
later—in 1998—I was given a photograph of my dad. Written on the back was ‘This one’s real’. It
was all the proof that I needed that he could still be alive.”
Maddie felt like
she had been dropped right in the middle of the greatest mystery novel ever
written. “What did you do?” she gasped,
trying to keep her heart from pounding in her chest.
“I went to Russia
to find out if it was true—to find him.
If he was alive, I wasn’t leaving until I found him. There was no way in hell I was leaving him
behind again.”
Harm recalled how
he had lied to the Admiral so he could secure time off to go to California to
see his mom. He needed to make her
understand that the possibility existed that his dad was still alive. When he showed his mother the picture of his
father, he pretty much had guessed what her reaction would be and received just
the same.
Let it go, Harm.
I can’t, Mom.
Unable to bear the
thought of reliving those years after her husband—his father—had died, she ran
from him, upset and crying, leaving him alone on the patio with his
step-father, Frank. What he wasn’t
prepared for was the support he received from Frank.
You’re the only son I ever had. Let me help you.
Harm could see how
much Frank loved him despite the fact he knew that he could never replace his
father. He remembered how he told Josh
at one time that he never gave his step-father a chance. Looking back now, he wondered if he had,
would things have been different.
Trying to grasp
everything he was telling her, Maddie fiddled with the pencil she had been
holding in her hand, twirling it and then sticking it behind her ear. Even though she found what she was hearing
hard to believe, she knew that there was no way in hell anyone could have had
such an adventure like this one. Well,
of course with the exception of Harmon Rabb Jr., she thought.
Needing to know
more of the story, Maddie asked, “So you went to Russia alone to find your
father?”
Harm looked at Mac
as he answered Maddie’s question, “Uh, no, Mac was with me. She followed me to the airport.”
“You followed him?”
Maddie asked, staring at Mac with a flabbergasted look on her face. Unbelievable, she thought to herself—quietly
this time. She goes to Russia with him
and he lets her—and they deny having any type of a relationship!
“I couldn’t let him
go alone,” Mac responded honestly. “Besides, the Admiral thought it was for the
best as well, unofficially of course. I
spoke the language and . . . someone needed to watch Harm’s six,” she said with
a quick glance in Harm’s direction with a sly grin. Harm chuckled as he remembered her
‘appearance’ on the plane. Wild horses wouldn’t have dragged her off that
plane, he mused.
“And that compelled
you to go with him? Didn’t you worry
about the danger involved? What if
things turned out badly?” Maddie was throwing questions at Mac rapid-fire, her
hands gesturing as she did so, nearly causing their file to go flying across
the room.
Mac felt a little
embarrassed by the commotion Maddie was making over the whole issue. Wanting to follow Harm to Russia wasn’t
something she had thought twice about.
Truthfully, she hadn’t thought—she reacted. Her place was with him despite the
danger. In fact, she’d gone because of
the danger—to protect him.
Deciding Maddie
needed a little more background, Harm gave her the short-story version of the
trip to Russia—Parlovsky, Alexi, Falcon, stealing the Mig-29 and the ejection
from it after being shot down, the Gypsy brother and sister, trekking across
Russia to find the answers to questions haunting him. It amused him to some extent watching the
expressions on Maddie’s face as he recounted his—their—tale. It reminded him of the first time Mac rode in
an F-14 with him—she looked nauseous yet exhilarated.
Comprehending all
this was starting to give Maddie a major-league headache. It was like trying to read a Tom Clancy novel
written in a foreign language—it was maddening as hell. She rubbed her temples in an attempt to make
the throbbing go away before deciding that it wouldn’t without the help of some
aspirin.
“Excuse me a
minute,” she said to Harm and Mac as she rose from her chair and headed toward
her desk. Reaching into the top drawer,
she pulled the economy sized bottle out and quickly retrieved the
capsules. In one swift motion, she
popped them into her mouth and quickly chugged some water from a glass on her
desk. Her clients watched this little
scene with confusion, then amusement.
“See what you’ve
done,” Mac whispered to Harm with the slightest touch of humor.
“Me? All I did was
tell her about our trip to
Mac’s attempt at
humor helped take the edge off. For the
first time since all this discussion about his father started, Harm felt
somewhat relaxed and relieved. Even
though it was, at times, too heartbreaking to bear, he made it past the hard
stuff unscathed. Having her by his
side—supporting him—was exactly what he needed to get him through all
this. He reached over and grasped her
hand in his, giving it a quick squeeze before releasing it.
“Thanks,” he said
warmly to her, his blue eyes dancing.
“For what?” Mac
asked with a curious look.
“For putting up
with me.”
“It’s in the job
description,” she replied, matching the soft smile on his face with one of her
own.
Having returned to
her chair, Maddie took a deep breath and picked up their file she had set on
the floor. I need to pull myself
together ASAP, she thought. This session
will end up being a wash if I don’t focus.
Opening their file, she skimmed over her earlier notes, the
before-Russia part—Annie and Josh—and struggled to put a timeline to all
this.
Judging by
everything Harm had told her, this put his emotional struggle with his MIA
father about the time he was seeing Annie—give or take a few months. In all probability, the uncertainty about his
father and his relationship with Annie and Josh happened about the same time,
giving weight to her theory that Harm was trying to rewrite history with
Josh. If she was correct, he went to
Russia after he and Annie broke up. How
very interesting, she thought, making note of it in the file.
“Why don’t you
continue, Harm,” Maddie said with a calm and controlled voice, unlike her
previous remarks.
He went on,
“Eventually we met up with a woman in rural Russia who knew my father. Since she spoke only Russian, Mac translated
for me. She told us the story of how he
came to live with her and her brother.
They never knew his name since he didn’t speak the language and they
didn’t know English.”
“Then how did she
know he was your father?” Maddie queried.
“The resemblance—she
realized that I must be his son because I looked like him. Through Mac’s interpretation, I found out
from her that Dad died saving her from Russian soldiers who had attacked her. Her brother buried the bodies so they
wouldn’t be found—somewhere deep in the forest.
She didn’t know where because her brother had died since then.” Harm was able to relate this part of the
story effortlessly, as if he were retelling a mythical epic he had read—except
he had lived it.
“How did that make
you feel?”
“I was
devastated. All those years I knew he
had to be alive—he was. But he died
honorably—just as he lived. Two years
later, I found out that I wasn’t the only son he left behind. He had a relationship with a woman who had
given him a son after his death—my brother, Sergei.”
“Your father had a
relationship with a Russian woman?” Maddie asked in disbelief.
“I guess he knew he
would never come home. He had told my
mother in a tape—one I hadn’t listened to until before I went to Russia—for her
to go on with her life if anything had happened to him. She did, and I guess he did too.”
“How did you feel
when you found out you had brother?”
“At the time, I was
confused. Maybe a little hurt. But all my life my father was this . . . this
hero to me. I guess it helped me to
realize he was more human than I allowed him to be.”
“How do you feel
about him today?”
“He’s my brother—I
love him.”
Mac had been
watching Harm as he continued to tell Maddie about his dad and Sergei. She could tell by the wistful look on his
face that he was probably coming to terms with all of this as he spoke to
Maddie. Sergei was an important part of
his life now—the one lasting connection to his father. It was almost as if his father was giving him
something to cling onto from beyond the grave.
“How did your
mother react to the existence of Sergei?”
“I didn’t tell her
right away—after I had found out. I
might have never told her if circumstances didn’t force me to do it. When I did, she took it quite well. What had upset her most was knowing my dad
had missed out on much of my life. I
think that hurt her more than anything.”
Mac looked over at
Harm; his voice was now sounding tired and, frankly, he looked rather
exhausted—much like she had felt after her discussion about her father. This session had truly become an emotional
ride from hell for all of them. For his
sake, she had hoped that they would end this session soon. In her estimation, they were nearing the two
hour mark with Maddie. Actually, an hour
fifty-three to be exact. The bill for
this session alone could buy Maddie several cases of those aspirin, she
mused. Watching Maddie make notes in
their file, Mac wondered what the next step was going to be today.
Maddie looked like
she’d survived a tornado and felt like she’d ran a marathon—wearing combat
boots. Her neatly coifed hair had become
ragged from her bad habit of tucking the pencil behind her ear. She had repositioned it so many times, she
was sure she’d get lead poisoning.
Having finished writing the last of her observations, she checked her
watch and decided that they all probably had had enough today—herself
included.
Scanning her pages
of notes briefly, she thought, this is true progress. Harm not only discussed his father and his
obsession with finding him, but he also came to the realization that his
relationship with Annie and Josh was born from this obsession with the loss of
his father. But, more importantly, the
interaction between Harm and Mac was paramount in this session—their emotional
closeness was quite apparent. Actions
speak louder than words, she thought, and I hope it’s going off like gongs in
their heads.
Maddie knew
continuing the session was out of the question for many reasons, one of which
was the emotional exhaustion she could see written all over Harm’s face. Now the difficult decision of when to
schedule them for their next session lay in front of her. She had planned a long weekend to spend time
with her sister, but letting them go so long between appointments, especially
when progress had been made, could prove to be detrimental to the entire
therapeutic process. Mulling over her plans for tomorrow morning, she figured
if she got up early, she could squeeze them in for an hour without disrupting
the day.
Finally making her
decision, she said, “We’ve made quite a bit of progress today. In light of all this, I’m suggesting we get
together tomorrow morning.”
The duo looked at
one another; Mac shrugged her shoulders saying, “It’s okay with me. Harm . . .”
“It’s fine with me
too,” he said, nodding his head in agreement.
Looking in Maddie’s direction, he asked, “Any time in particular?”
“How’s eight
o’clock?”
Harm opened his
mouth, ready to challenge the early morning time, when Mac spoke up.
“Suck it up, Sailor.”
He chuckled, shook
his head and said, “Fine by me.”
“Great!” Maddie
said. She didn’t bother to write it down
because there was no way in hell she was forgetting about this session. Setting down their file on the floor, she
stood up, straightening her sweater and attempting to smooth out her hair.
Harm and Mac stood
as well. She grabbed her purse, and they
both slipped on their coats. Maddie was
already at the door, opening it, when they had moved from behind the coffee table.
“Thanks Maddie,” Harm
said, extending his hand to her.
Maddie accepted his
gesture, smiling, “You made a lot of progress today, Harm. Go home and get some rest, okay?”
Mac also grasped
Maddie’s hand, giving a genuine “Thank you.”
Maddie knew there was more than just gratitude in those two words. Considering Mac’s little revelation earlier,
she was sure she was grateful for the kept secret as well.
Once the two had
moved into the outer office and then out the door into the hallway, Maddie
retreated to her office. Kicking off her
slippers, she laid down on the sofa with a thud and a sigh. She closed her eyes and then covered her face
with her hands, grateful that her clients were finished for today. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy their witty
repartee or their adventures—she found them to be quite
entertaining—professionally speaking, that is.
Their sessions were exhausting her—mentally and physically. But, at least they were going in the right
direction. “Yeah,” she said with a
laugh, “right into a hotel room—a locked hotel room.”
Seconds later, she
heard the soft tinkling of a bell from a certain feline who had been in hiding
most of their session. Just as swiftly
as he came into the room, he had jumped up onto the sofa, beginning his trek up
to Maddie’s chest.
“Oh, Zolly,” she
groaned, “You’re not as light as you used to be.”
The furry creature
laid out straight on her chest, nuzzling her hands covering her face. He chirped and meowed and head butted her
until she gave in and petted him. Maddie
rolled onto her side to move him onto the sofa next to her, rather than have 15
pounds of cat on top of her.
“So, Zoloft, you
abandoned me today. I could have used
some support in here. Obviously your nap
comes first, huh?” she said, rubbing him behind the ears.
Checking her watch,
she realized she still had a few appointments left in the day, with the next
one due at any moment. Gently shooing
Zoloft off the sofa, she sat up and decided a trip to the bathroom was a
priority to tidy up her appearance.
“I wonder how many
more grey hairs they gave me today,” she said fingering the loose strands of
hair as she walked into her private bathroom.
~~~~
Harm and Mac were
more than ready to leave Maddie’s office.
Harm’s lanky frame ached from having sat too long on a sofa clearly made
for the female frame. And Mac—she felt
like she was jet-lagged; the lack of a decent night’s sleep was finally
catching up with her. Walking out into the hallway, Harm held the door for her. She slung the strap from her purse over her
left shoulder and stuffed her hands in her coat pockets. Together they began
the trek down the hall to the stairwell.
Neither had spoken to the other since their good-byes to Maddie in her
office, both being absorbed in their thoughts to some degree.
As they walked, Mac
watched Harm zip his jacket and reach into his pocket for his keys. The weary look on his face didn’t nearly tell
the emotions that held his thoughts captive now. He knew Maddie was just doing her job,
delving into his past like that. Part of
him was relieved he had talked about his father—discussing feelings he had
never told anyone. Some of it actually
felt good to get out into the open, yet he still couldn’t help but feel angry. The discussion with Maddie was nagging at
him. He thought he could keep what occurred in that room—in that room—but it
wasn’t going to happen. The last thing
he wanted to do was bring it all home with him.
But as his thoughts became more of a jumbled ball in his head, he knew
there was no way around it.
“Harm?” Mac called
his name but noticed he wasn’t hearing her.
He looked a million miles away, his eyes almost trance-like as he
continued down the hall, reaching the stairwell ahead of her, and automatically
opening the door for her.
“Harm . . .” Mac
said again, a little more loudly, grabbing his arm as well.
Having been so
preoccupied with his thoughts, Harm snapped his head around, jolted back to
reality, “Huh? What?” he said sharply,
not realizing the tone of his voice until the words were out of his mouth and
he could hear them echoing off the white plaster walls.
“For a minute there
I thought I lost you. What’s wrong?” Mac
asked, taking his outburst in stride.
You’re still in that session, aren’t you, she thought, concerned.
He started to say
‘nothing’, but thought better of it. Mac
had become quite adept at reading his diversionary tactics over the years. He
knew there would be no getting past this one.
Sighing, he leaned against the open door and distractedly ran his hand
through his hair.
“It’s been a
helluva day, hasn’t it,” he said, not knowing where to start or what to say.
Mac rested her hand
on his arm, “Yeah, it has . . . are you okay?” She searched his blue eyes,
trying to read his emotions and put how he felt into perspective.
Harm snickered a
little, “I feel like I punched out again.”
He stood there,
just looking at her—studying her face and her smile—wondering why she had stuck
with him all this time. She seemed to
understand him—and what searching for his father had meant to him. Retelling the story to Maddie made him
realize how dangerous it was—not just for him—but for Mac, too. She had tried to reason with him and get him
to understand how their lives were in jeopardy.
You can quit. I can't. My father is out there
somewhere and I'm going to find him.
Or die trying?
Or die trying. But you shouldn't. You've
come with me farther than anyone I know. I'll never forget that Mac.
Even though he
needed her there with him, he still had tried to give her the out he thought
she was looking for and she didn’t take it.
Looking back now, he knew that she had only their best interest at
heart. I always think with my heart and
my emotions, and she thinks with her head.
I guess that’s why we’re so good together.
Reaching over to
her, he traced a line along her jaw with his finger, then cupped her face with
his hand, relishing the feel of her skin against his.
“Thanks,” he said
quietly.
With a smile, she
replied, “You said that already.”
“I don’t say it
enough,” he said tenderly, his voice husky with emotion.
The deepness and
inflection of his voice made Mac catch her breath. His touch had made her tingle and her heart
race, yet she could feel the blush in her cheeks. For all his exasperating and belligerent
traits that drove her crazy, he more than made up for it with his tenderness.
The sound of
approaching feet on the stairs broke the moment the two had become lost
in. Turning around, Harm was suddenly
face to face with an elderly woman, carrying a small Yorkshire terrier on her
arm. Both dog and owner wore matching
accessories—the dog wearing a diamond studded collar that was a smaller replica
of his owner’s necklace.
“Excuse me, young
man,“ she said with a thick Southern drawl, “I don’t want to interrupt whatever
you two are engaged in, but I’m late for my appointment.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,”
Harm said, backing away to give the woman some room to walk through the
doorway, holding the door for her as any gentleman would.
“What a cute dog,”
Mac said, reaching out to pet it, only to be met with a snarl and a
high-pitched bark that was more like a yap.
As quickly as she reached out, Mac snatched her hand back with surprise,
hoping all her fingers were intact.
“He doesn’t like
cat people, do you precious,” she cooed to the animal as she sauntered past a
stunned Harm and Mac.
“I hope she isn’t
Maddie’s next appointment,” Mac said.
“Why?” asked Harm,
not catching the connection she was implying.
“In a
word—Zolly. He’d have that dog for lunch
and floss his teeth with that diamond collar,” she joked.
The couple lingered
in the hallway and laughed at the scenario Mac had described. Then they both cringed, watching as the woman
entered Maddie’s office, dog in tow. Not
wanting to be around when the fur started flying, they decided to leave—in a
hurry.
****
As they reached the
lower level of the building, Harm checked his watch. It was now past one o’clock. The afternoon sun was finally winning the war
with the earlier rain clouds, attempting to dry the streets in the still-damp
autumn air.
Not having eaten
since breakfast at the diner, he was about to suggest a late lunch when he saw
Mac stifle a yawn. That nightmare
deprived her of more sleep than she’d ever admit, he thought.
“Are you tired?” he
asked, stating the obvious.
“That’s an
understatement,” Mac replied with another yawn, covering her mouth with the
back of her hand.
“I was going to
suggest lunch, but I think we’re both exhausted,” he said honestly, longing for
the sofa and at least a two hour nap. He
realized now exactly how Mac had felt yesterday after discussing her father,
because today he felt it in every inch of his body.
“Maybe a rain
check?” Mac asked as they crossed the street to his SUV.
“I think I can
manage that,” he said with a smile, holding the door open for her, and then
shutting it gently once she was inside.
He walked around to the other side and slid in the seat, placing his
keys in the ignition. Glancing over at
his passenger, her head tilted back against the seat with her eyes shut, he
realized she had never looked more beautiful to him.