~~Book of Revelations~~
1600 local (Monday)
Maddie’s Office
Mac had been sitting in the waiting room for 7 minutes. Why she was early, she had no clue. It was either impatience to get the session
over with or eagerness for a resolution to this nightmare that she and Harm
were living. Probably a little of both, but she truly wanted things back to
normal with her best friend. She kept folding and unfolding the neatly typed
paper with her “traits” on it. It had
taken her all of Sunday to write them.
OK, maybe not all day. She had
done the laundry, run to the grocery store and rearranged her file
cabinet. So it didn’t take her all day.
Hope Maddie doesn’t ask how long it took us to do this, Mac thought.
From out of the corner of her eye Mac saw something jump
from the window sill and disappear behind the leather chair. She thought she had imagined it, until “it”
made his presence known. A rather large
cat suddenly leapt from the floor onto the love seat next to her and began
nuzzling her right arm.
“And who are you?” Mac cooed to the cat, stroking his back,
right down to his full, bushy tail. His
coat was thick, with a brown tabby pattern and a white chest that made him look
regal. As she fingered the leather
collar encircling his neck, the tiny bell attached to it made a soft, tinkling
sound. In response to the attention he
was receiving, he spoke to her in little chirps and trills.
Promptly at 1600, Maddie entered the waiting area and
greeted Mac with a smile.
“Hi, Mac. Good to see
you. I see you’ve made a friend.” Maddie
said, smiling.
“Hi, Maddie. I guess I can say it’s good to see you too,”
Mac replied, continuing her ministrations behind the cat’s ears. “He’s
beautiful. What’s his name?”
“Zoloft—Zolly for
short,” Maddie replied, “He’s a four year old Maine Coon.”
“I didn’t notice
him the other day when we were here.”
“He tends to
disappear after lunch to find a comfy spot for his nap. Like any male, he doesn’t want to be
disturbed,” Maddie said with a laugh.
Pausing she added, “Is
Harm coming?” only slightly worried what Mac’s response would be.
“Guess so. I honestly
couldn’t tell you since we haven’t spoken since we were here on Saturday.”
Maddie was disappointed, but not surprised at Mac’s
response. Considering the way they
“left” after their first session, she kind of expected that they would not
communicate.
****
Harm stood down the hall from Maddie’s office. He had watched Mac enter the building from
the café across the street, and after she went it,
he followed unseen. Now he stood
here waiting for the appropriate time to enter the room. He was early, but hesitant to be on
time. Mainly because he didn’t want to
sit in the waiting room with Mac and have nothing to say. Actually he had a lot to say to her. He wished he could tell Mac he was sorry and
get rid of this whole mess they were in.
But, maybe this was for the better.
They really never got to have “the talk”; maybe it was time. This, however, wasn’t the way he imagined it
would be. “Guess it’s time,” Harm said to himself as he glanced at his
watch. With a sigh, he walked down the
hall to Maddie’s office.
****
Exactly 4 minutes past the appointment time, Harm walked
into the waiting room. Mac looked at him
and thought, Let me guess, he couldn’t find a parking place.
Harm shut the door and straightened his jacket before lying
to the both of them, “Um, sorry I’m late—couldn’t find a parking spot, again.”
Mac smirked and muttered, “Knew that was coming. Would it
kill you to be on time, just once?” Harm
glanced at Mac sitting on the loveseat, and
noticed the cat curled up in
her lap. He thought he heard her
say something, but she hadn’t moved a muscle since he strode through the door, except to stroke the cat. Maybe it was his imagination playing tricks on
him. He briefly entertained asking about the furry creature, but Maddie
interrupted him by saying, “Let’s go into the office and begin.”
Maddie ushered her clients toward the door to the other room, Zolly following close at her heels. She was as eager to get this started as they
were to get it over with. She thought
about the homework assignment she had given them over 48 hours ago and was
excited to hear how they perceived themselves. But first on the agenda was
finding out if either of them had been to a counselor before, since their
abrupt departure had prohibited her from exploring that avenue on Saturday.
The three of them took their places in the office; again,
Mac on the right side of the sofa, Harm on the left, and Maddie in the leather
chair. Zoloft, on the other hand, headed straight for the window and the warm
glow of the late afternoon sun. Harm
and Mac acknowledged each other, barely, yet seemed a little warmer to each
other than they were on Saturday.
After offering her clients something to drink, Maddie began,
“Let’s recap briefly what we discussed on Saturday. You are both in agreement that you are best
friends. And, you are also in agreement that you have problems getting along—is
that correct?”
Mac nodded her head and Harm said, “Yes.”
“There is one thing that I feel we need to explore before we
get to your homework.” Maddie looked to
each of them for any type of response and received none—they were both very
quiet—so she took that as non-verbal agreement.
Continuing, Maddie asked, “Have either of you experienced
counseling before?”
Mac was the first to answer, “Um, yes. But it was a long time ago.”
Harm looked deep in thought for a moment and then responded,
“Do you mean recent counseling or how many times I’ve been to counseling?”
Maddie’s eyes grew wide.
For a brief moment she was speechless.
OK, I was sure this would be an easy enough question, she thought. She gave Harm’s question some consideration
before asking one of her own, “Was there more than one occasion, Harm?”
Harm grinned, a little sheepishly, “Yeah, there were two—no
wait, make that three.” Maddie jotted
this down, intrigued, yet not surprised that Harm would have some counseling in
his past. This was something that
warranted a little more investigation.
But since Mac had only one counseling event, she’d discuss that first.
“Mac, let’s start with you.
Why did you go to counseling?”
“In 1996, after I returned from
Harm looked at Mac, hoping she’d turn her head in his
direction so they could make eye contact.
He knew she had spent some time in
“Did you go to counseling of your own accord, or did the
military require it?”
Mac paused, not really wanting to go there. “My CO suggested it, but I went on my own to
a civilian counselor.”
“Tell me why you thought you needed to see a counselor.”
“
Harm sat there astonished.
He had no idea that Mac had experienced the horrors that he had only
heard and read about. He silently wished
he had known Mac then so he could have helped her through her ordeal.
Mac continued, “I witnessed the mass graves, the women who
were tortured and brutally raped; all those orphans with no where to go—it tore
me apart. While I was there, I tried
very hard to maintain some composure, and do my job without my emotions
carrying me away. Once I returned home,
I couldn’t eat or sleep. Every time I
closed my eyes, those visions haunted me.
I had to do something or lose my sanity in the process.”
“That must have been an emotionally draining experience for
you. Do those images still haunt you?”
“Sometimes. But I
found a place where I can keep them locked away. I will never forget what I saw, but it
doesn’t overwhelm me like it used to.”
Maddie was impressed with Mac’s tenacity. Not everyone with Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder recovers in the same way. It
takes a strong woman to go through what she did and stay in the military,
Maddie noted in her file.
Harm wanted desperately to reach across the sofa and take
her hand in his. But since they weren’t
here under the best of circumstances to begin with, he wasn’t sure how she’d
perceive his gesture. Briefly, Mac
glanced in his direction and saw the concern reflected in his eyes. She looked away, not wanting to be swept up in
an emotion she wasn’t sure they were ready for.
Maddie watched the silent interaction of her two
clients. Here were two people—a man and
a woman so committed to one another that they didn’t need words to
communicate—their body language spoke for them.
And right now, she was a first-hand witness to their unique
dialect. She hated to break the silence
in the room, but she felt she was on to something here.
“Harm,” Maddie began softly, keeping the atmosphere almost
church-like. “Tell me about your prior counseling experiences. Why don’t you start with the first one?”
Harm’s trance was broken slightly. He refocused on Maddie’s question before
beginning.
“The first time I had counseling was after my ramp-strike in
1991.”
“Ramp-strike?” Maddie asked, knowing it had to be a naval
term for something.
“Uh, yeah. I was
trying to land my F-14 on a carrier. The
seas were rough and I crashed. I managed
to eject, but my
“That must have been a difficult time for you.”
“At the time I was told I had night blindness. I felt it was my fault.”
“How long after the crash did you seek professional help?”
“It was about 5, maybe 6 weeks. I was in bed for most of that time. I couldn’t walk, had to go through PT just to
be able to get out of bed. In fact, they
were surprised I lived, let alone walk again.”
Mac looked at Harm, her brown eyes filled with compassion,
and whispered, “I didn’t know you were hurt that bad.”
He nodded his head in silent acknowledgement. They had talked about the incident a long
time ago. Although he had confided in
her, some things, like the severity of his injuries, was deliberately left
out—almost like “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” but in a kinder,
gentler way.
“You had said that you had three counseling episodes in the
past. Were the other two a result of
this ramp-strike?”
“No, those were separate incidents.”
“Tell me about the second time you had counseling.”
“It was in 1996. I
had gone to
Mac was taken aback by Harm’s revelation. She had never heard of this ordeal before
today. Knowing how the loss of his
father affected him, this incident probably served to drive him even more to
search for him in recent years. She was hurt.
Leaving out details about the ramp-strike injury was one thing; but to
completely overlook telling her this was almost too painful for her to
bear. She swallowed hard, smothering
whatever tears were working their way to the surface. “Why didn’t you tell me this, after all we’ve
been through together?” Mac whispered, as she twisted the end of her shirt
around her finger nervously in an attempt to keep her emotions just below the
surface.
“I’m sorry I never told you,” Harm said quietly, not knowing
how to make it better for her. He
scrubbed his hands over his face before running them through his hair. It took years to bury those dreadful memories
and in a matter of minutes those wounds were raw and bloody again—not just his,
Mac’s too. It seemed they had spent
years hurting each other and apologizing for it. This time was no exception. Had he known they
would have to “revisit” the past so much, he’d have left his memories at home,
in a shoebox in the closet.
Maddie’s heart was breaking watching the scene unfold before
her. All these years and they are still
protecting one another from painful memories.
It was almost like they would live the other’s life just so they
wouldn’t have to experience the pain and sorrow all over again. She didn’t think that they even realized they
did that—it was such a natural response.
It was amazing how in the midst of personal turmoil, they were still
there for each other.
The room was silent.
Harm and Mac sat there, still separated physically, but all the closer
emotionally. Rather than interrupting
the moment, Maddie gave them time to regain their composure before going on.
Three minutes had passed since Harm’s “I’m sorry” to
Mac. Some of the initial tension was
evaporating and it seemed that they were getting to a comfortable middle ground
where they could meet and work out their differences. Maddie was pleased with the baby-steps they
were making, but they still had a long way to go. Getting to that point meant crossing some
bridges they may have burned in the past.
But for now, she still had to explore Harm’s other counseling session—he
had discussed two, but there were three.
Maddie silently hoped that whatever revelations came from this
discussion were ones that Mac had some clues about.
Breaking the silence, Maddie asked Harm, “What were the
events that lead to your third evaluation?”
Harm eyed Maddie, then Mac, carefully. Mac “knew” about the eval after his little
swim, but he wasn’t sure she completely understood what motivated him to fly
into a storm the night before her wedding, other than to just “be there”. He knew he’d have to tread carefully in these
waters.
“I had ejected out of my jet over the
Maddie unconsciously said “Really!” way before her brain
told her not to. She was amazed at the
adventures this man had been through, and she wasn’t sure she had heard the
half of it.
Apologizing, she motioned for Harm to continue.
Mac knew, sort of, what was coming next. The fateful night that changed both their
lives had quickly become the topic of discussion. She had no way of avoiding it, short of the
sofa swallowing her up. Again, she was
twisting the hem of her shirt around her fingers nervously. Mac had known they’d have to “go there”
eventually, even though she relived those events over and over. No counselor could ever purge her memory of
nearly losing Harm.
Harm sighed, and again glanced over at Mac. He knew he had to begin somewhere, but
where? Deciding to keep it factual, he
calmly pulled those suffocating memories from where he hid them.
“I was out on the carrier Patrick Henry, for my annual
quals—to keep my flight status. After I
completed them, I requested to fly back to Andrews AFB. An approaching storm suspended all air
operations temporarily. Once there was a
break in the weather, my
Harm took a deep breath in an attempt to stop his heart from
racing. The images of that night were
flashing in his mind like lightning. He
stole another glance at Mac and wondered what was going through her mind right
now. Seeing as how she was nervously
playing with her shirt, he knew she was reliving that moment as well. There was no way he could spare her from what
happened that night—she had lived through it just as much as he had. He could protect her from his other
near-death experiences by leaving out details.
That night he took his dunk in the
Mac was almost relieved that Harm was able to summarize that night in just a few, bare-bones sentences. She silently prayed that Maddie would just drop the whole subject now. They had reviewed their past counseling experiences, which should be enough. But somehow, she knew it wouldn’t be. They were at the gateway to a bridge that spanned the river of discontent they had been living lately. Finding what lay on the other side depended on how willing they were to cross that weathered bridge, baggage in hand and heart. Crossing that bridge would mean putting their fear behind them and exposing their souls to one another.
Maddie listened, completely fascinated by Harm’s
account. He had more lives than a cat,
she thought. However, she got the
distinct feeling that there was more to this story than what he was
telling. They both seemed nervous during
Harm’s recounting of the incident. She
noted that Harm frequently looked toward Mac as he talked. Not so much as to see her reaction, but
almost to get her approval of his synopsis.
This was obviously a part of Harm’s life that Mac was quite familiar
with. Maddie had several burning
questions, beginning with—Why? Why does
an experienced pilot fly into a storm, when waiting until the next day was an
option? Or wasn’t it an option? What was so important that he needed to
return that night?
The silence allowed Maddie just enough time to sum up all
her questions into one, “Harm, what was so important that flying into a storm
was worth the risk?”
Harm and Mac both were startled at her inquiry. Harm—because he knew the answer and
Mac—because she didn’t.
His heart was beating out of control in his chest. Harm knew he had to respond to the question
with a statement—it wasn’t merely a yes or no answer. In the months, actually year or so since the
accident, they had effectively avoided discussing “reasons why”. Excuses to avoid the conversation were as
abundant as the fall leaves. Eventually
they closed the book on that chapter once Renee´ and Mic were gone. Now
they sat here, Maddie’s words hanging in the air, daring Harm to be honest with
not only himself, but with Mac.
The uneasiness Harm felt filled the room—Mac could sense
it. He wrote the book on evasive
maneuvers when it came to relationships.
Theirs was no different. But she
was at fault as much as he was. She
could have stayed once Mic had left and Harm had returned from
Maddie watched the both of them, just as she had every time
a new question was on board. This
question, by far, rattled them the most.
She wanted Harm to just spit it out, yet she didn’t want to pressure him
for an answer either. Maddie wondered
what their relationship was at the time of the mishap. Apparently there was something left unsaid
between the two of them after the accident.
After mulling the question around for a minute or two, Harm
finally drew a breath, thinking of how he wanted to delicately handle his
answer. When he finally spoke, the
slightest quiver in his voice caught Maddie’s attention.
“I was trying to get back for Mac’s wedding.”
Wedding? Mac’s
WEDDING! Those words were screaming in
Maddie’s head. She didn’t dare open her
mouth right now because the phrase “What the hell?” was on the tip of her tongue. It was killing her to keep her mouth
shut. She was astonished, flabbergasted,
and just plain floored by the revelation! So, the plot thickens, Maddie thought, making
notes frantically in her file. This was one of the most complex relationships
she had ever evaluated, and they were only two sessions into it. This was beginning to read like one of her
romance novels.
Composing herself, Maddie asked coolly, “Mac’s wedding?”
Harm and Mac both answered “Yes” at the same time, with Mac
continuing, “It never happened.”
This session was snowballing. One simple question had lead to an avalanche
of revelations that she wasn’t prepared for, and she was getting the sense that
they weren’t either. She had the
definite impression the two incidents were directly related and she wanted to
explore it, but right now the bigger picture seemed to be that Harm’s accident
was a catalyst for everything that came after that fateful day.
“So, flying through a
storm to get to Mac’s wedding was worth the risk?”
Without missing a beat, Harm answered, “Yes”, causing Mac to
catch her breath at his admission. She had
always thought his guilt regarding their little disagreement before his quals
was the impetus for his rush to get home for the wedding. Now she was certain there was another
reason. She had wanted to ask what that
reason was a million times, but was afraid his response wouldn’t be what she
wanted to hear. Now he said flying in
that storm was “worth the risk”—did he risk his life for her? He made no bones about disliking Mic, so he
wasn’t coming home to watch her marry him—that much she was sure of.
Closing her eyes, Mac could remember every minute detail of
that night. She could still hear the
raging storm outside and feel the ache in her heart at the thought of losing
Harm—forever. Recalling it caused her
eyes to fill with tears.
Harm’s memories were likewise very vivid. He remembered the trouble with the aircraft
and how his ejection lever had jammed.
He shuddered as he remembered the shocking sensation of hitting the icy
waters when he was finally able to eject. He could still feel the chute pulling
him under and the ocean threatening to swallow him up. Dying was one thing, but knowing he’d never
see Mac again was worse. There was so much left unsaid and undone. He swore that he’d take care of things once
he was back, but it never happened. Life
and all its complications got in the way.
Maddie could see Mac’s face flushed with emotion and the
tears brimming in her eyes. Glancing
quickly in Harm’s direction, she could tell he was fighting a similar battle
with himself. The painful memories were
boiling at the surface and Harm and Mac were threatening to succumb to
them. Watching the anguish on both their
faces, Maddie longed to yank them back to the present, but she needed them to
walk through the fire once more. They needed to purge their memories of the
what-could-have-beens to be able to move on in a new direction.
With the tone of her voice soft and soothing, Maddie began,
“I know this is a painful experience for both of you to relive. But in order to help you both, I need to know
a little more about the events surrounding the accident.”
Sighing, Mac wiped away whatever tears were left on her
face. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself, yet again. If Maddie
was going to probe a little deeper into their wounds, then she needed to steel
herself for the pain that would come with it.
Harm watched Mac trying to suppress her emotions and
wondered if he had been truthful with her that night on the Admiral’s porch if
they would even be in this place today.
Was all this a result of his inadequacies, his inability to let go?
Reviewing her hastily jotted notes, Maddie figured that
Mac’s wedding was the common denominator in the picture. Getting to the bottom of it all would require
some tenacity on her part.
“Let’s go back a bit, to before the accident.” Maddie paused momentarily, and then posed a
question to Harm. “How did you feel
about Mac’s upcoming wedding?”
Harm was stunned that Maddie asked “that” question. Stunned, but not totally surprised. He had thought she’d eventually get to it,
maybe in another session. He never
figured on today.
“How did I feel?” Harm said with a sarcastic laugh. Bugme
was never one of his favorite people and he had made it very clear to Mac. He
could never understand what she saw in him.
Desperately trying not to look in Harm’s direction, Mac did
anyway. She thought he’d be angry, but
what she saw was a man still afraid—afraid to let go—or was he just afraid of
her? She watched as the sarcasm faded
and was replaced with an anguished look—as if he were tortured by a past
memory.
Frankly, if you need
me at your wedding to make it work, maybe you should reconsider who you’re
marrying.
Harm got up from the sofa and walked over to the window,
moving the curtains to look out to the street below. Maddie didn’t want to push him to answer the
question. She saw Mac attempt to say
something and motioned for her to be silent.
There was obviously something that Harm wanted to say and she wanted to
give him time to collect his thoughts.
She was afraid that any distraction would break the spell that was cast
over the room.
Harm stood there silently staring out the window, yet at
nothing in particular. Dusk was
beginning to fall over the city; the streetlights were coming on, one by
one. From his place by the window he
could see Mac’s reflection in the glass.
Even with her tear-stained face, she still was beautiful to him.
The echo of their voices from the past filled his head. Harm closed his eyes and it took him back to
Mac standing before him on the Admiral’s porch.
The question that was burning inside him finally had made it from his
heart to his lips.
Why did you go to him
so quickly?
You pushed me away.
What was I supposed to do?
Wait.
For how long?
As long as it takes.
Had he waited too long?
Was this the end result of his inability to act on his emotions?
“How did I feel?” Harm spoke softly, almost inaudibly. “There will never be enough words to explain
how I felt. Hurt, betrayed, sad,
heartbroken—I wanted it to be me you were marrying, not Bugme.”
Mac let out an audible gasp.
Harm turned from the window to face her.
He couldn’t find any more words to say, all was lost when he looked at
her—the heartbreak evident on her face.
He slowly crossed the room to her, but before he could reach her, she
stood.
“No! Don’t do this, Harm.”
“Mac . . . .”
“I’m sorry, Maddie. I
need to go.” Mac said, gathering her
purse and turning to leave.
Harm tried to reach for her arm, but she moved quickly to
the other side of the room and out the door before he could stop her.
“Harm. Let her go,”
Maddie said standing up quickly. She stopped him by grabbing his arm.
“I need . . .”
“She needs to be alone right now. You just told her something that she probably
should have heard a long time ago. She
is just reacting. Give her time to grasp
what you said. Chasing her will only
make things worse.”
“Damn!” Harm shouted as he smacked the door frame with his
hand. It startled Zoloft, causing the cat to scamper out of the room. He
paced the room before going back to the sofa.
He collapsed and buried his face in his hands, too frustrated to allow
the tears that were choking him to fall.
****
Mac made it as far as the stairs before she collapsed in a
sea of tears, her sobs echoing in the silence.
Why did he wait so long to tell her this? Does saying it now make it any better? It can’t erase the past. So much wasted time. The thoughts filling her head were making her
dizzy. This was the last place she
wanted to be. She settled herself enough
to get up and walk down the stairs to the lobby. Entering the foyer of the building, Mac was
grateful there was no one around to see her in the state she was in. She quickly made her way out the door to her
car. Home was the only place she wanted
to be right now. Pulling out of her parking
spot, she briefly looked in the rear view mirror to see if Harm was following
her—relieved yet disappointed he wasn’t.
****
Sitting back down in her chair, Maddie also fought off the
tears. She rarely let her emotions cloud
her judgment and she hoped she made the right decision by keeping Harm from
running after Mac. This was not how she
wanted this session to end. But she could understand Mac’s frustration
too. This little revelation probably
came 18 months too late. Maddie hoped,
though, that it wasn’t too late for them.
There was still a chance that this relationship was salvageable, even
repairable. It would take some effort on
her part, as well as Harm’s, to come to terms with the past and move on to the
future.
Maddie got up, went over to the sofa and sat down next to
Harm. She gently touched his shoulder,
“Why don’t you go home. We’ll pick up
where we left off on Wednesday. OK? I’ll call Mac tomorrow and set up the
appointment.”
He could only manage to nod his head. If he spoke, the tears would fall for
sure. Harm stood to leave, hoping he was
doing the right thing.
“What time on Wednesday?”
“Wednesday is my late day—so why don’t we make the
appointment for 5 pm. Is that alright?”
“Sure.” Harm paused
and then added, “I’m sorry things didn’t go well today.”
“There will be ups and downs with counseling. The goal always remains the same.” Maddie smiled, “I’ll see you on
Wednesday. And Harm, don’t let this get
you down. Think positive, OK?”
Managing a slight grin, Harm said, “Thanks,” and left the
room, pulling the door shut behind him.
****
After Harm left, Maddie walked over to her chair and sat
down to read some of her notes from everything that transpired during the
session. This obviously went further
back with them than May of 2001. They
had a history with each other, even though it wasn’t a “relationship” in every
sense of the word. Something must have
occurred prior to the accident, prior to Mac’s engagement to precipitate
events. Maddie couldn’t put her finger
on it. Were they together at one
time? Or, did they attempt to get
together and it didn’t work. Maybe one
of them wanted a relationship and the other wasn’t ready? Maddie wrote in their file, “Whatever it was
that drove them to this point should be explored—delicately.”
Looking at her notes from the last session, she realized
they never got to discuss their homework—the strengths and weaknesses. Thinking for a moment, Maddie wrote:
Harm (strengths):
loyal, determined, protective
(weaknesses): stubborn, inability
to confront his feelings
Mac (strengths):
stable, protective, loyal
(weaknesses): stubborn, insecure
when it comes to emotions
Now she was thoroughly exhausted. Zoloft peeked around the corner of the doorway. Noting his presence Maddie called to him,
picking him up as he wound himself through her legs. “What a pair, Zolly! This isn’t going to be as easy as I
thought it would,” she said to herself.
“I just hope I can help them resolve this. It would be a shame if these two never got
together.” Looking at the clock on her
desk she saw it was now
****
Harm sat in the SUV silently. He had hoped he’d find Mac sitting in her car
or something, but she was long gone by the time he made it to the street
level. He pulled out the cell phone and
went to press 1 on the speed dial. But
Maddie’s words, “let her go—she needs to be alone right now” reminded him
otherwise. Harm closed the phone and
drove home. His heart was aching for
her. He needed to make things right—but
how?