PART 4

HARM AND MAC’S HOUSE
9 MELROSE AVE NW2
NORTH OF WILLESDEN GREEN STATION
19 MAY 2005

1610 ZULU

Lying in bed at four o’clock in the afternoon definitely was one of the most divinely pleasurable things in life she decided.

Harm had one arm and one leg casually draped across her body. His eyes were closed but she knew he wasn’t asleep – he was periodically kissing her hair and giving her the odd squeeze whenever the feeling came over him. ‘Life was good’ she thought – for the first time in a very long time.

She absent-mindedly admired the engagement ring on her left hand and smiled, but then recalled Harm's words when he had given it to her. Hating herself for evoking the possibility of spoiling such a wonderful moment, she decided the time had come for hashing out some difficult things with Harm – the things they had been avoiding talking about since he’d uttered the words “Maybe I just needed a deadline”.

She thought that had been a pretty feeble excuse, but in her frame of mind at the time, he could have pretty much said anything and kissed her and she would have given herself to him. Heck, now that she thought about it, maybe *she’d* actually been the one that had needed a deadline?

After the tumultuous events of that night it seemed they had just put themselves in ‘denial mode’. They were both finally on the same page and it didn’t matter anymore what the previous chapters had contained – there hadn't been any more time to sort it out. ‘Piss or get off the pot’ her father would have said. Now that things were settled and they were finally happy, she wanted to clear the air before something happened that got them sent right back to that same rut they had been in for God knows how long. Maybe if she caught him while his defences were low, he would be more inclined to open up.

Mentally, she braced herself for the answers she might receive, and then stepped off the cliff.

“Harm?”

“Mmmmm?”

“Are you going to tell me about this ring now?”

One of Harm’s eyes opened immediately. ‘Damn her for bringing this up now.’ He let out a long sigh. “Do you really want to know?”

“I do”

Harm rolled onto his back and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “Fine.” He paused while he considered the best way to begin this. He opted instead just to blurt it out. “I had it sized for you almost four years ago.”

Mac brought her hand up to cover her eyes. She squeezed them shut but the tears managed to force themselves out somehow anyway, and rolled down into her ears. She wiped them away quickly. “When?” she managed weakly.

Moving his hand to his forehead as if he was shielding the sun from his eyes, Harm rubbed small circles on his temples with his thumb and middle finger, “Well, if you want the exact date I’m sure I have the bill around here somewhere, but roughly it was the beginning of June 2001…”

“After…”

“Yes” he cut her off “…after I’d spent an undeterminable number of hours bobbing around in the middle of the ocean, swallowing seawater and thinking of nothing but you...”

“Oh Harm…”

“Don’t Mac… please don’t. I told you I don’t want to go there… I don’t see why we have to re-hash this… why can’t we just forget about it all and get on with our lives?” He hadn’t meant to be so short with her, but he couldn’t help it. He knew he would get this way if he started to remember all this. Even now the memories hurt too much.

She quickly rolled on to her side to face him, “Because it *happened* Harm, and we can’t deny that it did. As much as we don’t want to admit it, we’ve spent at least as much of our relationship being angry and hurt with one another than being happy. I think it’s important that we find out why, so that we don’t ‘go there’ again in the future – don’t you?”

Harm peaked out from under his hand and gave her a grudging sideways glance – tinged with an almost imperceptible smile - and rolled his eyes. God he hated it when she was right. He took another deep breath and began again. This time he took his hand down from his forehead and linked it with hers for support – something to anchor him in case he felt himself getting angry. He needed to be able to feel grounded to the present while he remembered this. “OK – so what specifically do you want to know?”

“Why didn’t you give it to me?”

“Because you took off to the Guadalcanal and refused to speak to me.”

“Yeah,” she said quietly “I’m really sorry Harm – I went way off the deep end over that.” She paused. “I mean, when I was on my way over to your apartment that night – I had finally decided that this was it – I was finally going to give in to my feelings for you. I didn’t care about my job or the consequences of anything anymore… I mean, if you had any idea what I went through while we were waiting for them to find you… I was a wreck Harm… I thought that if you were dead… then all I wanted was to be dead too…”

“Mac…” Harm whispered as he brushed the tear off her cheek, but he didn’t know what to say.

“When you opened the door and Renee was there… I just felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart… I listened to you explain what happened… I mean, I heard the words… but I couldn’t help how much it hurt…”

Harm turned towards Mac and took her hand in both of his. “Mac, don’t you think I … I mean…” he paused to control himself, “Mac, don’t you think that all I wanted to do was take you out in the hallway and kiss your lights out? It was just that Renee had shown up saying her dad had died… in order to not comfort her I would have had to break up with her at that very moment and I just couldn’t be that mean… doing that right when she needed someone to turn to. God, I’m so sorry Mac… I just couldn’t see any other way out of it at the time – I thought you’d understand...”

He paused and turned back to stare at the ceiling again. “Would I have done things differently if I’d known you would have reacted the way you did?” he shook his head in confusion, “… I just don’t know.”

There was a long pause while they both just lay there absorbing things before Harm spoke again. “Anyway, it was when I came home from Renee’s father’s funeral that I took the ring in to be sized. I had my opportunity and I was damn well going to take it. Brumby was gone, I had decided to end things with Renee as soon as she was OK enough to hear it… Then I showed up at JAG to find out you were gone. I brought it down to the Guadalcanal with me, hoping I could find some way to give it to you there… but God Mac, you were so angry…” he paused when he heard her sniff. He turned suddenly to find that she was hopelessly in tears while she lay listening to him. He quickly took her in his arms and held her tightly. “Arrrghhh Maaac. Why are we doing this to ourselves again?”

“Because we have to”

“Right” he gave a short laugh. They stayed that way for a few minutes until Harm released her and started to wipe the tears out of her eyes. He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, then he leaned back to stare at the ceiling again. “Well,” he smiled, “if you think that was bad, maybe I shouldn’t even bring up the fact that I brought it to Paraguay with me…”

“Ahhhhhh… NOOO!” Mac reacted like she had suddenly been poisoned, but also laughed at the same time.

Harm couldn’t help smiling either. 'Well, they were beginning to find it funny now,' he thought, 'that was a step in the right direction'.

“Yeah, maybe if I’d dangled the ring from the muzzle of my weapon when I came in to save you from being tortured, we would have avoided a lot of heartache…” They both enjoyed a good laugh over that mental picture, and snuggled into each others arms. ‘She was right,’ Harm thought, ‘somehow this has brought us closer. Damn her anyway when she’s right.’

They stayed that way for a long while, just absorbing the discussion and the air it had cleared.

Finally, Harm lifted one of her hands and held it up to his – palm to palm, admiring the size difference. “So are we OK with this for now, or do we have to stick around in ‘Deadhorseville’ for longer?”

Mac smiled “No, I think we’re good, but I reserve the right to recall this type discussion whenever I feel it may be warranted.”

“So agreed, councillor.” He stared at her left hand clasped in his for a few moments, and then turned to meet her eyes. “So have we got this whole wedding thing planned out yet, because I slipped today at the office and called you my wife. I’d hate to come off as a liar before anyone here even got to know me.”

“Yeah, I think so,” she smiled.

She took on a look of radiant happiness whenever she talked about this and it always made Harm feel good. He’d never been a fan of weddings, but ever since Bud and Harriet’s, he'd felt it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Recently though, it had become an absolute necessity. If he’d had his way, he’d already be married to her. They had talked it over on the plane however and decided that their original plan of just getting married as soon as they got to London should be amended. They both wanted a military wedding - and to have friends and family there. To get married only to have to do it again ‘the right way’ just sounded insane, so they agreed to do it right the first time. They decided to fly back to Washington for a small ceremony as soon as they could organize it.

“Harriet emailed me this morning saying the Chapel is booked and she had managed to get a hold of the Admiral.”

Harm couldn’t suppress a gleeful smile “No way – I bet he was surprised!”

“Oh my God,” Mac laughed “Harriet said, and I quote, “The Admiral’s immediate reaction was ‘God-damn-SONOFABITCH, he finally did it!’”

Harm rolled onto his back and laughed heartily. Mac smiled sweetly, admiring the way his Adam’s apple danced when he did that.

“He was quite upset though that he had missed the party at McMurphy’s, so you better be prepared to explain yourself for that one at the wedding.”

“I called him!” Harm defended himself “But I just got his voice mail!” He looked at her sideways for a moment, “Jesus, I’m screwed, aren’t I?” Still smiling he added, “Did you hear from Mom?”

“Yup, her and Frank are flying in on the Friday night and flying out again on Sunday. Something about they couldn’t trust the shifty Samoan who was managing the Gallery?”

Harm laughed and shook his head in confusion “Whatever.”

“And Jen said that she’s got it all arranged for Mattie to be there as well. She’s getting her set up with a laptop also, so you’ll be able to email her yourself pretty soon… I mean, so long as we can teach you how to use email first.”

Harm almost sat up straight in bed, “No way – does she have the use of her hands already?!” as an after thought he added “…and I do know how to use email… I just prefer the telephone!”

“Well, you’re not going to use the telephone much at these long distance prices! Anyway, about Mattie, Coates says her hand use is minimal right now, but she’s coming along like a trooper. Everyday she’s getting stronger.”

Harm lay back on the bed with a sigh, “I should have been there for her, Mac.”

“Harm, you *were* there – you were there for her for weeks when she needed you – at the detriment of yourself sometimes.”

“Yeah great, I was there for weeks when she was in a coma and wasn’t even aware of it. Then, just when she wakes up and needs my help…”

Mac put her hand on his chest, “Harm, there was nothing you could have done. If we’re going to look after her, we need jobs in order to have money to do it. We couldn’t help but to either be here or in San Diego. And you *know* Mattie understands.”

“I know, it’s just that sometimes I wish I could break myself into a few pieces in order to be everywhere I need to be at once.”

“Well, that would be impossible,” Mac smiled seductively and brought her face inches from his “…because I need all of your pieces right here with me.”

Harm looked defiantly back at her with a hint of a smile, “Don’t you have supper to cook or something, woman?”

“Ooooh, I am *soooo* going to make you regret that, squid…”

END PART 4