Language Alert – Strong language/Swearing.

A/N: What if “In Country” had happened a little differently and Harm had been critically wounded in the bombing? Just a little AU piece that I couldn’t get out of my head. I know – it’s pretty morbid – sorry.

Also, I apologize for the language in this, but I’m in the Military (Army) and I don’t know alot of people in the Military that don’t have a mouth like a sewer. Sure we keep it under control most times – like at the office - but it seems to be exponentially compounded whenever you go out in the field. It’s a running joke that when you come home from being away and you’re sitting at the dinner table, you invariably let slip and say something like “Honey, could you pass the fucking salt?”

Anyhoo – with that in mind, I gave Harm’s (and even Mac’s) language a little more “colour”. I have always felt that, although Harm talks like an officer and a gentleman, like most of us in the Military, he probably at least *thinks* alot more graphically. Especially in this instance as he was injured, under stress, they were in the field and, I mean – he *is* a sailor for God’s sake… ;0)

Anyway, this one is for all my brothers and sisters in Uniform – whatever colour it may be and whatever country it may represent.

No Greater Love

Greater love hath no man than this,

that a man lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:13

I try like hell to wake up, but I can’t – it’s like something is sucking me down into a black hole. God – why did I drink so much last night? I don’t remember drinking, but my head is throbbing so badly there can be no other explanation…

What the hell? Something’s underneath me? It feels like a pillow, but why is my pillow moving? God, I feel nauseous – stop struggling pillow…

“Harm?”

God – that’s not a pillow – that’s a body! Holy Mother of Mary and all things sacred… I brought someone home? I got drunk and brought someone home? I’m such an asshole. Shit. I promised myself – no one until Mac. How could I have done this?

“Harm, please… say something…”

Wait a minute – that *is* Mac. I brought Mac home? Oh God that’s almost worse. Our first time together and I got too drunk to even remember it. And too drunk to even get off of her? Now I really *am* an asshole…

Jesus, why can’t I move? Why can’t I open my eyes? I try to lick my lips and I taste nothing but sand… wait a minute… this is all starting to come back to me now. There’s a burning sensation in my back… and I can’t feel my legs at all… either this is the worst hangover I’ve ever had or…

…this isn’t a hang over.

I remember now. Mac and I were lying in the sand, conserving body heat. Damn, that had been nice. Until that blasted friendly fire incident had sent us running. Pun intended. Bastards. Why does something always have to interrupt any kind of moment I try to have with her. Do the fates hate me so much that they feel they have to send in an air strike when it seems like we actually might be getting somewhere?

I remember running the hell out of there with Mac. Then there was a gigantic blast at our backs and I tried to shield her… alright, this could be bad…

“Oh God, Harm. Listen I have to roll you off of me OK? You’ve got me pinned. I’ll try not to hurt you too much.”

Poor Mac. Shit – I must have a good 80lbs on her easy. Why can’t I move? I can’t even answer her.

“AAAAHHHHHH!!!” Holy crap that hurt! Unfortunately, she rolled me over right into a large rock – well at least I know my voice box works.

“Harm? I’m so sorry.”

Mac’s free from under me now, but she must have figured out my back is injured as she’s leaving me on my side.

“Oh shit, Harm…”

Hmmm… that doesn’t sound good. I hear her ripping open a field dressing and applying it to the back of my head. Well I guess that answers one question. Now she’s rummaging through my jacket pockets.

“Harm – where’s your field dressing?”

I want to tell her that I think it’s in one of my flack jacket pockets, but I still can’t get anything out…What the hell were we thinking taking off our flack vests like that? We know better… And whose bright idea was it to wear field caps instead of helmets out in the middle of a war zone? I should have been more careful…

I hear rustling and then something that must be her combat jacket is pressed up against my back as she wedges it in between me and the rock. “AAAAAHHHH” Crap – that felt white hot. I’m guessing a pretty nasty shrapnel wound. God, I’m sorry Mac. I’m almost wishing that my original idea of waking up hung over with a strange woman in my bed was a better scenario than this. Naw, scratch that – if I have to pick scenarios, I want the one where I wake up hung over with Mac in my bed…

“Harm? Can you hear me?”

She’s kneeling in front of me now and I want to open my eyes and see her pretty face… that would make me feel better. Why can’t I open my damn eyes? It feels like I am, but… wait… I’m blinking, aren’t I? That means my eyes *are* open… shit.

“’c?”

“Wait a second, I’ll get you some water.”

When I don’t move, she puts water on her fingers and wets my lips. All I can think of is that I wish I was sucking on her fingers in an entirely different scenario than this.

“’ac?” God, my voice is barely a whisper. It doesn’t sound good.

“Harm?”

I can tell I have her worried – I can tell by the sound of her voice. I’m so sorry, baby.

I lick my lips as best I can and attempt to speak again. “Can’t see.”

She doesn’t answer right away and I can just picture her biting her bottom lip in that incredibly endearing way…

“That’s OK Harm; it’s probably temporary from the knock you took to the back of your head.”

Knock? Yeah right Mackenzie - you lying fish. I know it’s more like a gash or you wouldn’t have tied your field dressing there. Had to be bleeding for that – and bleeding pretty seriously…

“Yeah… prob’ly right.”

No sense letting her know just yet, but suddenly the seriousness of all this has hit me and I’m feeling nauseous again. Here we are out in the middle of the desert. I’m hurt and can’t even move, let alone try and walk. It’s the middle of the night so there’s no chance of a search party until morning...

I have to breathe deeply in order to stave off another wave of nausea. Even in this cold desert night I’m breaking out in a sweat – I can feel it. I have to get my mind off of this…

“Mac?”

“Yeah”

“You OK?”

I can hear her do something… was it a laugh? No, I think it was more like a sob. Jesus baby, I’m so sorry for this. What a position I’ve put her in again. Why do I always manage to hurt her?

“Yes Harm, I’m fine. You managed to protect me once again.”

She sounds a little bitter, but more sad.

“Good… was worth it then…” Wow, am I ever getting sleepy all of a sudden.

“Harm!”

“Wha’?”

“Stay with me, OK?”

“Yeah… sure…”

“Harm – I have to run back to the Humvee. I think there was a First Aid kit in there.”

“Good idea…”

She sounds indecisive and I know it’s because she doesn’t want to leave me alone.

“ ‘s OK, Mac – I promise I’ll stay awake…”

I hear her hesitate and then take a deep breath.

“I’ll be right back, Harm – I promise. It’s not far.”

“OK baby…” Shit. Did I just say that out loud? Hopefully she’ll chalk that one up to hallucination. Hell, she bought that ‘sweet thing’ line last year… I’m wondering if I should brace myself for a kick in the ribs just in case though…

Suddenly I feel the sweetest thing that life has to offer - Mac’s breath in my ear…

“I’ll be right back, Harm.” She whispers. “Stay awake… please.” Then she kisses me on the cheek.

God, I wish I’d been conscious for that… what I would have done… I would have grabbed her by the arm and crushed her body to mine… I would have shown her what it’s *really* like to kiss Harmon Rabb Jr. … wait… I’m still conscious aren’t I? Hell, this isn’t good – I don’t even know any more…

“Harm? Harm? Wake up! Right now Squid!”

Her fingers are on my neck. Checking my pulse? Can’t be good if she’s checking my pulse. Why doesn’t she just hurry up and go to the damn jeep for God’s sake? Then I hear a sound I’ve never heard before. Kind of like the clicking of plastic or something… Mac’s talking… what is she saying?

“I picked up the flack vests on my way back and I was right, there was a First Aid kit there. Harm, I’m going to put some water in your mouth with the syringe here OK – then you don’t have to move your head at all.”

She rolls up one of the vests and puts it under my head so it’s not crooked over so far. Damn, why is she yelling? And she’s back already? How long have I been out? So much for never making promises I can’t keep. This is *so* not good. For the first time, it occurs to me that I could die out here.

The water feels good, but now I’m really cold and I can’t stop shaking. Yeah, that would be shock setting in, Hammer. Great. This is it. I *am* going to die out here. I consider how I feel about that. I guess it’s just as well – I’m pretty much a big fuck up anyway. Career wise I’m probably topped out, but I guess I can’t complain too badly. My life certainly wasn’t boring. My only real regret is Mac. I was thinking I’d almost gotten to a place where I could make a move on her. Yeah right – who are you kidding Rabb? You probably never would have anyway. You probably would have chickened out like you did every other time. What the hell is it about her that always makes me freeze like a 15 year old kid at a high school dance?

“Mac?”

“Yes Harm?”

Wow – she’s really worried. She sounds like a mom talking to a toddler. “You have to walk out of here… go get help. Just make sure you stick to the hard tack…”

“I’m not leaving you, Harm”

“…have to…”

“Don’t.”

Great, now we’re arguing like toddlers. It’s not that I really think it would be safe for her to leave anyway. I just really don’t want her here when she wakes up in the morning to find me dead. Knowing my Marine and her kick-ass, Semper-fi, never-leave-a-man-behind attitude, she’d probably try to haul my 220lb sorry-ass body all the way back to camp and kill herself in the process. That thought makes me choke up a bit. Yup, that would be my Marine… my beautiful, wonderful Marine that I was so stupid to turn down all those years ago… God I hate Australia… I always will. Shit, am I crying? I think I’m crying. I hope she can’t see me right now.

“Harm?”

Well so much for hoping for that.

“Mac… you have to go…” Damn, I feel like an animal that knows it’s about to die and needs to go off into the wilderness by itself to do it alone – only I can’t. Not that it wouldn’t bring a great comfort to know that I died in Mac’s arms… but I just don’t want her to have to deal with my body afterwards…

“I don’t have to go Harm – why do you think I do?”

“You… know the reason…” Great. I would have to say that… of all the things to say… why did I have to say *that*? She’s crying now I can hear her trying to muffle it, but I know my Marine. Damn, I’m such an ass. I can’t even die right.

“ ‘s alright Mac. I’m OK with it.”

“What?! What the hell do you mean you’re *OK* with it?!”

I think I’ve made her mad now. Well, why should this be different than any other day?

“Mac… wouldn’t have joined up if I wasn’t OK with it…”

“Well what if *I’m* not OK with it?!”

I really don’t know what to say to that. I don’t think she wants to hear that she’s not going to have much of a say in the matter. Suddenly I hear her compose herself and take a breath.

“Uh- uh. No way Rabb. You’re not getting out of it *that* easy. We’re both getting out of this together – like always. There’s only a couple of hours until sunrise and then a search party will find us. We’re not that far off the road.”

“Mac… ‘d just be better anyway…”

“Better?!”

Wow, she’s furious now. Way to go Rabb.

“How do you figure it would be better?! No – wait – forget I asked that.”

I can hear her pacing in the sand. I can tell she’s trying to regroup – trying to come up with her closing argument. Ha – that’s kind of ironic isn’t it? Finally I hear her sit down in front of me in the sand.

“C’mon Harm. Surely there’s something you have to look forward to… I mean, you can’t tell me you accomplished all of your goals in life. There must be something left undone… something you never got to do…”

I wonder if she’s fishing. Her voice got softer at the end. Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter now if she is. This is one war I’m finally going to let her win. There’s no point in fighting any more and… well, she deserves to know. How do I find the words to tell her though? Maybe I shouldn’t even. Maybe it’s better if I leave it unsaid. Would it only make it worse for her once I’m gone?

“Harm! Snap to! C’mon!”

She’s trying to be strong – but I can hear the barely concealed panic in her voice.

“Yeah – sorry.” I take a deep breath – well, here goes nothing… “Well… I guess there are a few things, Mac…”

“Yeah… I figured there would be… a perfectionist like you…”

She’s trying to be funny – God love her. And trying to keep me talking – that’s good too. Sure, I’ll play along, it’s the least I can do.

“Hmmm… things I never got to do but always wanted to… well, let’s see Mac… guess I always kinda wanted to wake up with you in my arms… every single morning for the rest of my life…”

Ha – bet she wasn’t expecting that one. Nothing like jumping in with both feet, eh? I think I better keep talking before I pass out again…

“… and I always really wanted to spend hours on some rainy, Sunday afternoon, trying to discover just *exactly* what it would take to make Sarah Mackenzie scream out my name in the heat of passion…”

Well… she did ask. Now I hear a sound finally. It’s a sniff. Yup, she’s crying. Good going buddy…

“Gee… is that all Harm?”

Still trying to be funny. That’s my sweetheart. We would have been so good together, I just know it.

“Well… I guess I did have *some* goals that weren’t entirely X-Rated…”

She has to laugh at that. Chalk up one point for the dead man…

“Oh yeah? Well what would they be?”

Is she holding my hand now? How long has she been doing that? She feels so warm… I could just…

“Harm! Stay with me baby. You’re not finished yet…”

I think she didn’t mean to phrase it quite like that… but did she mean to call me baby?

“Yeah… sorry…” Suddenly I cough and I can taste blood. Crap. Better not tell Mac. At least that explains why the pain in my back has seeped into my chest and made it so hard to breathe. I really hope Mac can’t see the blood… I wonder how light it has gotten… it must be getting close to morning by now…

“Harm!”

“…yeah… well… let’s see. Something I really, *really* always wanted to do was to stand at the alter of the Naval Academy Chapel and watch you walk up the aisle towards me… all smiling and beautiful… damn – you’d be so beautiful … I can just see you…”

I think maybe I’m not lucid anymore and I’m rambling but I really don’t care. After all, this is a death-bed confession… no repercussions, right?

“… all our friends smiling at us… and then me kissing your lights out after making you my wife... that would have been amazing… I always wanted to do that…”

She’s not saying anything to that either but she’s holding my hand to her lips… or is it her cheek? I can’t tell… it just seems warm and wet…

“And I guess, finally… well, I once had this dream where I was sitting behind you on my couch and… my hands were resting on your belly… and I was feeling our baby kick … I would have liked to feel that. And I could have played him songs on my guitar… and… well I’m sorry Mac, but he probably would have ended up being as big of a pain in the ass as I was…”

“… yeah…” she sniffs again, “…but I still wouldn’t have been able to help falling in love with him…”

Oh yeah, she’s definitely crying… but I think I am too so I guess it’s OK.

“…yeah…” I smile, “…I never have been able to figure that part out about you Mackenzie…”

She’s cradling my whole forearm against her like a rag doll and our fingers are entwined. She’s rubbing her cheek against my hand I think… whatever it is, it feels like heaven… she’s so soft.

“See Squid, that wasn’t hard now was it? You have *lots* of things to live for.”

I try to laugh, but it makes me cough again and the burning in my chest is insane. She must have seen the blood for sure this time because now she’s dabbing at my lips with a wet piece of cloth or something. I wish I could just see her one last time… well, at least I have a lifetime of memories in my head still and I can take those with me when I go. It won’t be long now, I can feel it. I feel better now for saying my peace. I’m glad she knows…

Suddenly I feel her moving around and I realize she is snuggling up to me… putting herself in my arms.

“Mac… wha’?”

“Shhh… it’s OK, Harm. I’m just getting started on that first item on your list. I mean, I can’t do much about the other ones right now… but when we get back… I promise…”

“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep…”

“Funny, Squid…”

“Mac… would you really… I mean… would I ever really have had a chance at those things?”

She grabs me by the jacket with both fists and I can feel her breath just inches from my face. “Harm… I swear to God… when we get back to the States… you will have every single one of your wishes as much as I am able to grant them.”

I try to smile again. “My little Genie in a bottle…?”

I hope she’s smiling too. It feels like she is, although I can’t imagine how I could feel something like that.

“OK, OK - one fantasy at a time, Flyboy. But I have to tell you… I’m *especially* looking forward to that second one...”

Ha – I can just picture the expression on her face right now. God I love this woman.

“Mac?”

“Yes.”

“I… uh… I don’t know how well I’ll be able to respond, so don’t be offended if I don’t… but could you please kiss me?”

She doesn’t have far to go to close the gap and she does so almost immediately. I want to respond so badly but my body fails me of course. What a way to go out though. If I didn’t think I was hallucinating, it almost feels like she is breathing life into me… that’s right Sarah. That’s my girl… God I wish I had the strength to hold on for her. She just promised me everything I’ve ever wanted and I want so badly to take her up on it… but damn, it’s suddenly so cold. There’s an incessant droning sound in my ears… and she’s not there any more… she’s left me… or have I left her? Damn it, why is it so cold? That’s it… I know she’s not there anymore… I must have gone… I’m so sorry baby… I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

Chapter 2

I’m floating now… and there’s a bright white light. Hey, just like they said there would be. Well, it’s nice to know I’m having a normal death experience. It doesn’t feel so bad. It’s peaceful. At least there’s no more pain… no more darkness…. But there’s also no more Mac. Oh Mac – I don’t want to leave you.

Suddenly I can feel her lips on mine again. I swear it – it feels so real. I wonder if this is what Heaven is going to be like – all eternity attached to Mac’s lips. I’ve just hit the jackpot…

But then the intense pain is back full force and it literally makes me gasp. Christ – maybe this is Hell – where I get fire and brimstone every time I think about her. Hmmm… that wouldn’t be far off from my earthly life though. Well hell… if I could handle it there I can handle it here, right?

Now the sleepiness is back again and the cold… but I still feel like I’m floating… I just want to make this stop. Have to sleep… dreaming… peaceful… floating… white light… Mac’s lips… God damn it – fire and brimstone again! Shit! Am I relegated to repeat this over and over for the rest of eternity?! That’s it, this is some sort of Purgatory – the 7th circle of Hell or something. Well… I should have expected… according to Palmer, I *have* taken the lives of at least 17 people… that I know of…

OK this floating experience is getting old now… it’s starting to make me nauseous again. In fact, this time I think I’m definitely going to be sick. I can hear voices all around me though – but I’m definitely moving. Could I actually have survived? It’s all very confusing – I’m definitely moving and people are yelling… and I’m definitely about to lose my lunch. It’s a good thing I’m laying on my stomach. God, please let me have survived this… I’ll go through anything… any kind of pain… just let me see Mac again…

Chapter 3

I wake up slowly and try and get my bearings. I’m still on my stomach… right – back injury – that’s why. I open my eyes to test them out. Nope… still can’t see. That’s not good. Well… I’m alive still… that’s a start at least. I check out the rest of my body in my mind. I still can’t feel my legs and my lungs and back are still on fire. Well, at least I’m consistent. I can feel pressure on my forehead and chin so there must be a space cut out for my face… kind of like a massage table I guess. Now let’s see if any one’s around.

“ ‘ac?”

“Harm?!”

Yup… there’s my Angel. I knew if anyone was here looking after me it would be her. I hear her immediately call for a nurse. I must have been out for awhile.

“How long…?”

“Shhhh… don’t talk Harm. You’re going to be just fine, but you probably shouldn’t talk.”

The doctor is in here now and I couldn’t care less what she is saying. I just want them all to go away so I can talk to Mac. I do hear a few things though… apparently I had surgery on my back to remove the shrapnel…

She asks me if I can see yet and I answer no. I’m sure I hear Mac sniff at that. The doctor says that the vision loss is called Cortical Blindness and it is because I damaged the back of my brain which is the part that processes visual signals. She tells me it may or may not come back… depending…. Says I have to go for dives in a decompression chamber to help it, but that can’t be until the swelling has gone down.

I tell her I can’t feel my legs. She suggests that the swelling in my back is pressing up against the spinal cord. Says they didn’t find any definite spinal cord injury in the x-rays. She’s hoping that when the swelling goes down, the sensation will return. Yeah… you and me both, Doc.

She tells me I should be thankful for Mac because her and the corpsman used CPR to bring me back twice on the trip in to the field hospital after we were found. Well, that would explain the memories I have of Mac’s lips on mine… at least I *hope* that Mac had that roll and not the corpsman…

They all finally leave and I’m alone with Mac. I don’t know what to say and I’m sure she doesn’t either. I barely said much while the doctor was here either. Just the occasional yes or no response to her questions and an affirmative grunt when she asked me at the end whether I understood. What the hell else am I supposed to say? She basically just told me I’m one step up from a vegetable.

There are all sorts of thoughts running around in my head. First and foremost is whether or not my recollection of Mac and my conversation in the desert is as accurate as I remember. If it is, does she still want to tie herself to me if I’m going to be an invalid? I don’t want her to. She promised me sex and marriage and babies, she never signed on for taking care of someone who may not be able to give her any of those things. Then I think, maybe it’s better if I don’t bring it up at all. She probably only said those things because she wanted me to have something to live for. I mean… that was the whole topic of conversation, right? If the situation had been reversed, I probably would have promised her the moon too if I’d thought it would make her live another couple of hours…

That’s probably the best thing. I’ll just stay off the topic altogether. She’s probably hoping I don’t even remember it.

I almost have to laugh at my predicament. The way I’m positioned face down like this reminds me of that movie * and I have to laugh because it’s one of Mac’s favourites… how many times did she make me sit and watch it with her whenever it was on? That’s it – that’s my opening line…

“Stay gold, Ponyboy…”

There’s that sniff again. “Very funny, Squid…”

Yeah, that scene always did make her bawl. Then I realize that Ralph Macchio died in that movie and it probably wasn’t the best analogy to make. Smooth Rabb.

“Guess I owe you my life again, Mac. Thanks.”

“Hey, I was just repaying the favour.”

I can feel her tracing the tip of my ear and it makes me choke up. Damn, it’s probably all the drugs.

“How long have I been out?” I croak.

“62 hours, 57 minutes…”

“Do I have to lie on my stomach like this? It’s really not my favourite position.”

“Harm, between your back and your head you have a hundred and twenty seven stitches in total. I guarantee you – you’re going to be more comfortable on your stomach.”

“Can’t I at least be on my side?”

“Don’t worry, they roll you every four hours.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” There’s a moment of silence while I process what she said. “I have stitches in my head too?”

“Yup.”

“So I guess that means I have some sort of ‘high and tight’ going on?”

She has to laugh a bit at that. “Well, I can’t really tell through the bandages, but yeah - I think it’s a pretty extreme ‘high and tight’.”

“Damn. And here I was hoping to charm your socks off tonight…”

“Harm, please.” She’s still a little shook up I can tell. “You’re lucky to be alive and you’re worried about how short your hair is?”

“Mac?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry… I have to go back to sleep again…”

“That’s exactly what I was going to suggest.”

“Stay?”

“They couldn’t drag me away…”

I feel her fingers slip into mine and her breath close to my head and it’s a wonderful way to fall asleep…

Chapter 4

I blink myself awake a couple of times and realize there’s a little bit of light coming at the top left hand side of my left eye. Every time I try to look up in that direction it disappears though. Great. Well, at least it’s starting to come back – that’s something, isn’t it?

I’m lying on my side now and I realize I have completely slept through them rolling me. I must be on some pretty good stuff. Probably Morphine – I’m sure they told me but I don’t remember. I hope it’s not Morphine – the last time I had that stuff it gave me really weird dreams. Made me think that all the nurses were undercover CIA agents.

I guess Mac isn’t here or she would have said something when I opened my eyes. It’s lonely without her around. I never realized how much loneliness is compounded when you can’t see. I barely have time to register this thought when I hear a door creaking open and Mac’s voice.

“Hey” she says softly.

It’s like music to my ears. “Hey, Marine.” I’m sure I must be grinning like an idiot but who cares. I’ll just blame it on the Morphine. There’s something funny about her voice though and when I hear her sniff again and I’m concerned.

“What’s the matter, Mac? Is everything OK?”

“Yeah… um… no.” She is on the verge of tears and then I feel her pick up my hand. “Chegwidden won’t let me stay any longer.”

“What! Why?” I don’t want to act like a baby, but I can’t help it. I need her here.

“You’re awake and stable. He let me stay through the time when it was touch and go…” Her throat constricts and she cuts herself off. “I’m supposed to be on a flight out of Frankfurt in the morning.”

“We’re in Germany?” Suddenly I feel really stupid for saying that, but I really had no idea.

“Yeah…” she laughs slightly. “… Sorry – I guess no one told you that.”

“No… but that’s OK. It doesn’t really matter where the hell I am… although that’s all about to change when you go home.”

“Harm, I’m sorry. I just spent 40 minutes on the phone arguing with the stubborn bastard but he won’t give in. He feels badly about it but he’s really short-handed.”

She’s on the verge of crying again and I have to suck it up for her. I know it’s not her fault. I cradle her forearm and put her hand to my lips and try to come up with something noble to say, but I can’t think of anything.

“Mac. It’s OK. I’ll be back in Bethesda before you know it and then you’ll be able to torment me whenever you want.” I have to believe this myself and I hope I’ve at least made her smile.

There’s silence and I realize this forces me to address the million dollar issue now or I fear it will go unaddressed - a common problem with us that I don’t care to repeat this time.

This time it was just way too close.

“Mac? Uh… about our little conversation in the desert… I know what you were doing and I thank you for it… but you don’t have to…”

“Don’t you dare, Harm.”

“What?”

“Don’t you dare try to get out of this. I’m not letting you off the hook that easily.”

Oh God. Please let her mean what I think she means. “What are you saying?”

“Harm…” she hesitates a bit. “I realized something out there in the desert… and no, it wasn’t that I love you because I already knew that. I realized that…”

She leans back in her chair and I think she’s regrouping again which is good because my heart just did a flip-flop that I need time to recover from.

“I was devastated when your plane when down last year, Harm… I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without you, but I could never really get my head around the fact that I’d actually lost you for good. I just couldn’t make myself think it… and before I could, you’d been found and you were going to be alright. I realize now that it was easier that time because I couldn’t see you… see your injuries…”

There’s a moment of silence. “I didn’t have to sit there and watch you slip through my fingers…” she sniffs again and I know there are tears. “I didn’t have to watch you die twice in my arms and want to scream from the fear…”

I feel hot tears trickling out of the corner of my eyes because I know exactly how she felt – it would have been the exact same way I would have felt if it had been her. I swallow a lump in my throat but I can’t say anything.

“I always thought nothing could have been worse than the night your Tomcat went down, but the desert was the single most excruciatingly painful experience I’ve ever gone through Harm and it made me realize that I can’t do this… I can’t *do life* without you…”

I reach out my hand to touch her face and she puts her cheek into it to make it easier for me. “Don’t say that, Mac…”

“Why not Harm, it’s the truth. I know it now as sure as I know the time. And I don’t want to try to go on anymore without you there every step of the way. All this wasted time over being petty and who said what first and when… all those things are meaningless to me now.”

I’m afraid to say it, but I have to… “But Mac, what if…”

“No Harm, I’m sick of ‘what ifs’. I don’t care about them anymore. The future will be whatever it is and I don’t care anymore as long as you’re in it. I want you Harm. I want you until the end. However I can get you.”

There is a moment of silence that hangs between us where I can’t even get my voice to work. I don’t think I have processed what she’s just told me. She must be able to read my thoughts by the look on my face because then I hear her laugh a bit as she kisses my nose.

“So… you’d better concentrate fully on your physical therapy Romeo, because as soon as you’re able, we’re starting at the top of your list and working our way down…”

She leans in closely to me and I feel her hand on my cheek as she whispers seductively, “… and then we’re going to start on *my* list.”

I definitely just felt sensation in my toes.

“Mac?”

“Yes”

“Kiss me again, will ya?”

“My pleasure, Flyboy.”

Suddenly, I think being caught in an air strike maybe isn’t such a bad thing after all.

THE END