Title: “Resolution”
Author:
Heather Aster
Timeframe: Between Adrift 1 &
2
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Skates
eased the rental car down the ramp and into the steady flow of mid-day traffic
on the Beltway, leaving Bethesda Naval Hospital behind. She glanced at the other officer in the
passenger seat, and was more than a little ticked that he seemed much more
interested in the laptop he was fiddling with.
“Must
be some interesting stuff in there, Sir.”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, kind of.” He didn’t even look up. Skates concentrated on the busy
road.
“More
interesting than keeping me company while I drive? Or are you just unaccustomed to being
co-pilot?”
“I’m
sorry, Skates. I’ll put it
away.” The laptop was closed and
she had his attention now.
“Thanks.”
Skates
tried to smile, wanted to be pleasant, but she had nagging questions - serious
questions - and the only person who could answer them was sitting beside
her. She bit her lower lip as the
images flashed to the forefront of her memory - again. She decided to start with an easy
one.
“So
what did the doctors say about your back?”
“Should
be back to normal in a few weeks with some good physical therapy. Guess I’ll be bumming rides ‘til
then.”
He
grinned at her, trying to lighten the mood, but it was a hollow gesture. There was a somber atmosphere between
them stemming from the brush with death that they had both just experienced
three days ago.
“What’s
wrong, Skates? You okay?” He must have finally noticed the tension
on her face.
Skates
looked out the window to her left and drew in a heavy breath. How and where would she
start?
“I’m
not sure, Sir,” she finally managed.
“Are
you angry with me?”
“Some.”
“Do
you blame me?”
“I
don’t know. That’s what I’m trying
to figure out.”
“I -
*we* - did everything we could to save that plane. We worked together, we followed
procedure, we considered all our options until our options ran out. No one is to blame for
it.”
“I’m
not so sure, Sir.”
“Skates,
what happened to ‘Harm’? Why ‘Sir’
all of a sudden?”
Skates
pursed her lips and gripped the steering wheel tighter. She had to at least hold it together
until they got to Andrews. Then she
could excuse herself to the ladies room for another weak moment before going
into the debriefing.
“Is
there something you want to talk about?”
He was offering her the chance to speak her mind, but she didn’t know if
she could do it and still maintain enough composure to drive
safely.
“Actually,
I think I want to listen right now.”
“Listen?”
“To
you.”
“What
do you want me to say?”
“I
want you to tell me why you couldn’t wait until the storm passed. We could have left in the middle of the
night and you would have still made it on time. From where we were it was only a 3 hour
flight and -” Skates’ words caught
in her throat but she held her emotional ground.
Harm
looked away. He had no answer. At the time, it seemed there were no
other options. He felt he
absolutely had to get back to DC that night. Mac was really angry with him for
missing the rehearsal dinner, and he knew he’d be on her blacklist big time if
he missed the ceremony. It wouldn’t
have been one of his most memorable days, but it would for Mac so he had wanted
to be there to support her. Things
couldn’t have gone more wrong, the ceremony had been called off, and people were
beginning to talk. Plus, CINCLANT
was considering an investigation.
While
Harm was deep in thought, Skates found a hidden pool of
resolve.
“I
was so scared Harm,” she said, finally using his name. “But not of ejecting, not of injury or
even death. I was scared that I was
going to miss out on the life I had planned with Blake. It’s been a long road being a woman in
the Navy, stationed on a carrier, flying with the boys. Blake wanted to get married three months
ago, but I talked him into letting me fly one more tour. I knew you’d be doing your quals and I
wanted to fly with you one more time.
When this tour was over, I was going to transfer to a nice, safe desk job
in the Pentagon, and Blake and I were going to get married. That’s all still going to happen, but I
almost lost that out there the other night. When I realized that it could have been
prevented, I started to get angry - at you, at the Captain and the CAG for
letting us go, at myself for agreeing with it. The only reason we left when we did was
because of Colonel MacKenzie - *your* reason. Yeah, Harm, I’m angry with you all
right.”
Harm
rubbed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose. His head ached from the stress as much
as his back ached from his ejection, splashdown and struggle at sea. There was only one reason why he had to
get back in plenty of time before the wedding, but it wasn’t a nice logical one
that he could wrap his lawyer’s mind around and explain to a board of
inquiry.
“I
love her, Skates.”
Skates
glanced at her friend, knowing how hard that was for him to say, knowing that
she would be the only one who would believe him right now.
“I
know.”
They
rode in silence for a while.
“I’m
not the only one who’s angry with you, Harm.”
“I
know.”
“You
have to talk to her.”
“She
doesn’t want to talk to me right now - probably never.”
“You
don’t know that.”
No
response.
“Damnit,
Harm.”
“What?”
“No
wonder she wanted to marry Brumby.
Talking with you is like having a one-sided
conversation.”
Harm
just looked out the window.
Skates
sighed. “Why don’t you practice on
me. Tell me what you want her to
know.”
Harm
gave her a sideways glance and shook his head.
“Come
on, Harm. Get it out of your
system. It’ll be much easier the
second time around.”
After
a few minutes, he finally spoke. “I
love her, Skates. Have for a long
time.”
“How
long?”
“I
don’t know when it started, but I know it’s been a few
years.”
“Why
didn’t you ever tell her?”
“Fear.”
“Of
what?”
“Losing
her.”
“You
were afraid you’d loose her if you told her you loved
her?”
He
nodded.
“Why?”
“C’mon,
Skates, you know the Navy.”
“I
do, and I know there are ways around the fraternization rules. Don’t Lts. Roberts and Sims both work in
your office?”
“She’s
officially with the IG.”
“But
she’s stationed at JAG.”
“Per
the Admiral’s request.”
“Why
wouldn’t he do the same for you and Mac?”
Harm
didn’t answer. Again. Skates felt like a dentist pulling
teeth.
“There’s
got to be something really big holding you back, Harm. I just can’t imagine you not going after
something you really want.”
Harm
thought for a minute. “I don’t know
if I should tell you because I don’t know if I could tell her. It’ll sound cruel and shallow and
everything a woman doesn’t want to hear.
It’s not a Cinderella ending, and that’s what every woman wants, isn’t
it?”
The
traffic was bumper to bumper for a stretch, so Skates took a minute to
scrutinize his face.
“If
you don’t tell someone, Harm, it’ll never be real and you’ll never know what
might have been.”
“I
-”
“I’m
no psychiatrist, Harm, but I am your friend. You almost killed me and I’m still
talking to you. That counts for
something, doesn’t it?”
Harm
showed her a weak, but appreciative smile.
“Thanks, Skates.”
“Tell
me.”
“I
love her, and I want to be with her more than anything else . .
.”
“But
. . . .”
“But.”
“But
what?”
“I
just don’t know how long it would last.
I’m afraid any kind of intimate relationship Mac and I could have would
flare up right away, but flame out just as fast. I don’t think we’re compatible enough
for the long haul.”
Skates
furrowed her brow. This was not
what she expected. “You’ll never
know until you try,” she offered.
“I
couldn’t ask her to do that.”
“Why? Because she doesn’t feel the same? Do you even know how she
feels?”
“No,
I think I know how she feels. She
told me there was a time she would have risked it, but I pushed her away.”
“Why?”
“That’s
what she wanted to know.”
“So
what was your answer?”
“I
didn’t think the timing was right.”
“What
did she say?”
“She
asked me how long I wanted her to wait, and I told her as long as it
took.”
“That
was pretty selfish.”
“I
just wasn’t ready right then. I
wanted more time to consider it.”
“Damnit,
Harm!” Skates said, her voice rising with frustration. “Love doesn’t follow a schedule. There’s no procedure manual that tells
you when or how to do things. You
just follow your heart. She and
Brumby aren’t married yet. If you
two love each other, then what’s the problem???”
Harm
was finally a little fed up with the third degree he was receiving, and shot
back, “Damnit yourself, Skates!
Don’t you get it? I *don’t*
want to loose her! I want her there
every day. I want to see her smile,
even if it’s not for me. I want to
hear her laugh, even if it’s not at one of my jokes. I want to see her walk, and the way she
tilts her head, and uses her hands when she talks. I want to work with her, debate with
her, oppose her in court, everything.
If we had a relationship, one of us would have to be transferred. And once that relationship ended, then I
wouldn’t be able to see her every day like I do now. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be any
fun. I’d rather be satisfied to
work with her for as long as it lasts than have her taken away from me because
of a short love affair. Does that
answer your question?”
Skates
was more than a little surprised.
Here was a man who could handle a $40 million dollar aircraft with ease,
caress a jury like a lover, stick up for a friend in any situation, and
exemplify everything good about the Navy.
Yet when it came to risking his heart, you might as well be asking him to
storm the beaches of Normandy alone.
Even an irresistible force like Sarah MacKenzie couldn’t budge this
immovable object. Skates dug deep
for something rational to tell him.
“Harm,
how do you know you would loose her?
How do you know that it wouldn’t be permanent? How do you know it wouldn’t be worth the
risk? How many risks have you taken
in your life? What about when you
had eye surgery so you could go back to flying? What about when we pushed Tuna by the
tailhook? Why is this risk so much
harder for you??”
“Because
it’s not just my life at stake.”
“And
it was only your life at stake Friday night in that storm??” And with that, she knew she had
him. He rubbed his eyes and
squeezed the bridge of his nose again.
It was a long moment before he spoke in a subdued
voice.
“I’m
sorry, Skates. I would never want
to hurt you or take your friendship for granted. Please apologize to Blake for me for
almost killing his fiancee’.”
“You
can do it yourself. He’s meeting me
at Andrews after the debriefing.”
“I
will.”
“Harm?”
“Yeah.”
“Talk
to Mac. Tell her everything you
told me. The worst she can say is
no, then you’ll still have her around every day, just like you want. If she says yes, take your time and
enjoy every minute. If it lasts, great.
If not, well, just because it doesn’t last doesn’t mean it was a
failure.” She paused to let it sink
in. “Oh, and by the way Harm,
you’ve got some major groveling to do about screwing up her wedding
plans.”
“Understood. Skates?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks.”
Skates
grinned him as she pulled into the parking lot at Andrews. “What are friends
for?”
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