Title: Running Out of Time

Author: JAG Junkie (rondayoung@yahoo.com)

Rating: PG-13 (Just to be safe)

Category: Romance (H/M)

Disclaimer:  They are (sadly) not mine.  If they were, things would have been much different, but you already knew that, didn’t you?

 

Summary: The last time I rewatched "Lifeline", I kept thinking about what they could have or should have said, so I started writing down my ideas.  I didn't really want to change the ep, so I decided to make this a “what should have happened next” story picking up at the end of “Lifeline”.  What would have happened if Harm and Mac had decided to meet somewhere after the party and continue talking?  This is really kind of a quick fix that ties up everything nice and neat.

 

A/N: After reading this week’s lively discussion about Lifeline, I think some of you will like the way I’ve written this, and some will not.  Just remember, this is a quick shipper fix.

 

I know there are dozens, if not hundreds, of Lifeline reaction fics, some of which are really wonderful, but many of them I have not read yet.  So I assure you that any similarities are coincidental.

 

 

 

 

Admiral Chegwidden’s home

McLean, VA

 

Harm and Mac stood with their faces staring straight ahead and acted as if nothing had just happened, but there was an unmistakable current of electricity between their almost touching hands.  They were both still emotionally charged from the explosion of passion they had experienced on the porch.  Lost in their thoughts, neither heard much of what was being said.  Despite her fiancee’s close proximity to her, Mac was more aware of Harm’s presence than Mic’s.  And Harm barely noticed Renee next to him.  All he could think about was Mac and what they had just shared.

 

Harm had promised himself early on that he would stand back and allow Mac to make her own choices.  If Mic made her happy, then he would do the honorable thing and stay out of the way.  Mac’s happiness was more important than his own.  But tonight, their conversations kept coming back to the topic of “us”.  She had challenged him with her statements and questions.  He had remained vague, not wanting to interfere with her life.  But the moment their lips touched, he couldn’t hold back any longer.  He had finally begun to let go, but it was too late.  Or was it?  Their conversations hadn’t resolved anything.  And that kiss had left everything feeling unfinished between them.

 

Mac’s fingers brushing against his own jolted Harm back to the present.  Had time slowed down?  It felt like hours had passed, yet they were still standing there and the Admiral was still talking.

 

Finally, it was announced that it was time to cut the cake.  As each piece was cut, Harm felt as if the knife was slicing through his very own heart.  Every “congratulations” he heard tore at his soul until he couldn’t take it anymore.  Quietly, he slipped out of the room and made his way to the guest bathroom to compose himself.

 

A few minutes later, Harm emerged from the bathroom after coming to three conclusions.  He didn’t like the way things currently were, he was going to have to step up and take action if he ever wanted to be able to live with himself, and he was running out of time.  As he rounded the corner, he came face to face with the person he most desperately needed to talk to again.

 

“We just can’t seem to stay away from each other, can we, sailor?” Mac smiled shyly with a bit of apprehension.

 

“No, we can’t.  And that is precisely why we need to talk.”

 

Mac rolled her eyes and sighed.  “We’ve been talking all evening, Harm.”

 

“Yes, but we’re not done.”

 

“I thought we were.  We just about covered everything.  I don’t have anything else to say.”  The frustration and hurt in Mac’s voice was evident.

 

Harm’s eyes pleaded with her.  “Well *I* do.”

 

Mac crossed her arms in front of her as if to challenge him.  “Then say it.”

 

Harm looked around nervously.  “Not here.  Someplace private.  And neutral.”

 

“Well, we can meet for coffee tomorrow, or something,” Mac suggested.

 

“No.  Tonight,” Harm insisted.  “After we leave here.  It won’t take long.”

 

“Harm, I’ll be leaving with Mic.  And, in case you have forgotten, you have a date in the other room who is expecting to spend some time with you.”

 

“Okay, how’s this?  We make plans for the four of us to go out to Benzinger’s afterwards.  Only you and I don’t go directly there.  We meet at the Wall first.”

 

“And just how do we do that?  I rode with Mic.  He’ll expect me to ride there with him,” Mac reasoned.

 

“Make up an excuse.  Tell him he’ll need to get a ride because you need to stay and talk to Harriet about ‘Matron of Honor’ stuff and it can’t wait.  I’ll say I need to go to JAG to get a case file I need to work on this weekend.  So he’ll have to ride with Renee.”

 

“So, let me get this straight.  We *lie* to Mic and Renee and make them sit at Benzinger’s waiting on us while we secretly meet to talk?” Mac gently scolded him.

 

“Well, it didn’t sound so deceptive when I first thought of it.”  Harm grinned sheepishly.  “But Mic and Renee will have each other to keep them company while they wait on us.  It’s not like they haven’t already been talking all evening.  And they seem to be getting along quite well.”

 

“Well, I don’t know…” Mac hesitated.

 

“Please, Mac.  I really need to talk to you.  Just for a few minutes.”

 

Mac saw the desperation in his eyes and gave in.  “Okay, but you have to help me get everyone to agree.”

 

“Agree to what, luv?” A familiar voice called out from down the hall.  Mac and Harm turned to see Mic and Renee standing there with curious looks on their faces.

 

Harm smiled and answered for Mac.  “Agree to meet at Benzinger’s after this is over tonight.”

 

“That’s a great idea!  I’m game!” Renee said eagerly.  She couldn’t celebrate Mac’s engagement enough.

 

“Well, you can count me in.  It sounds like fun!”  Mic smiled as he took Mac’s hands in his and led her back to the party.  Mac turned around and as her eyes briefly met Harm’s a look of promise passed between the two.

 

*****

 

A little later, as the party was winding down, Mic asked Mac if she was ready to go to Benzinger’s.

 

“Mic, you’re going to have to go ahead without me.  I promised Harriet I would talk to her tonight after everyone left.  It’s about the wedding--I can’t put it off.”

 

“I’ll wait for you,” Mic said matter-of-factly.

 

Mac tensed.  She knew he would say that.  “No, don’t wait on my account.  Go spend some time with Harm and Renee.  I’ll be there shortly.”

 

“But we rode together,” Mic protested.  

 

“I’m sure Renee can give you a ride.  Can’t you Renee?”  Mac smiled as Renee walked up.

 

“Sure I can.  It will give us a chance to finish our conversation from earlier.”  Renee smiled sweetly at Mic.  Then she turned to Harm and looked at him pointedly, as if to remind him that he had spent the better part of the evening ignoring her.  She offered her arm to Mic before he could protest.

 

“Well, Mac,” Mic chuckled.  “It looks like I’ll see you there, luv,” he called out to Mac as Renee led him away.

 

Harm followed them out the front door, but not before exchanging another silent communication with Mac.

 

A few minutes later, as Renee and Mic were on their way to Benzinger’s, Renee’s cell phone rang.

 

[Renee, you two go ahead and get a booth.  I just remembered I left a very important case file at JAG and I really need to work on it this weekend.  I’m going to run by the office and get it.  It won’t take long.]

 

“Harm, can’t it wait?  You can get it in the morning!” Renee whined.

 

[Renee, it’s not that far out of the way.  I’m actually closer now than I will be tomorrow.  It will save me the trip.]

 

“Okay.  Just don’t take too long.”  Renee sighed and flipped the phone shut.  She glanced over at Mic who looked at her questioningly.

 

“Harm’s taking a detour by JAG.  He needs to get something and it just can’t wait,” Renee said sarcastically and made a face.

 

“Well, then.  It looks like it’s just you and me again until they get there.  At least we’ll both have someone to keep us company.”  Mic smiled and Renee couldn’t help but smile back.

 

*****

 

Benzinger’s

 

Mic and Renee had been sitting in a booth at Benzinger’s talking and laughing for almost half an hour when Renee started to get anxious.  After unfolding and refolding her napkin, she nervously pulled her lip gloss and compact out of her purse and began touching up her makeup.  Then she stuffed everything back in her purse and pulled out her cell phone to make sure it was still on.

 

“Maybe we should call them.  Harm said he would only be a few minutes.”

 

“And Mac is *never* late,” Mic said pensively.

 

Renee hesitated.  “You don’t think they’re--”

 

“No!” Mic said forcefully, refusing to even entertain the idea.  “Mac and Harriet had wedding stuff to talk about.  Who knows how long that will take?  Just give them a few more minutes.  Someone is bound to show up soon.”  Mic was saying that as much to convince himself as Renee.

 

“I sure hope so…”

 

*****

 

Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial

Washington, DC

 

Mac walked toward the Wall and spotted Harm in the familiar spot that they both knew so well.  She slowly walked toward him, but he didn’t seem to notice her.  She stopped just a few feet away from him, not wanting to intrude on his private time.

 

Harm sensed her presence before he saw her reflection.  He turned slightly and gave her a half smile of acknowledgement, but he nervously looked away almost immediately.  Mac just patiently waited.

 

After a few moments, Harm turned toward her again, and with one last glance back at his “father”, he simply said, “Walk with me.”  Mac said nothing, but fell into step beside him, not sure of where they were going or what they were going to say when they got there.

 

They hadn’t walked far when Harm ushered them over to a quiet secluded spot, away from the visitors to the Wall, where they could sit and talk.  They both sat down but still no one said anything.  Mac knew he was organizing his thoughts, but she was growing impatient.  Tired of staring at the stars, she turned and looked at him questioningly.

 

“So what was it that you so desperately needed to say that we concocted this whole plan tonight?”

 

Harm took a deep breath and began tentatively without meeting her eyes.  “Mac, am I still your best friend?”

 

Mac’s expression immediately softened.  “Is *that* what you were worried about?  Of course you’re still my best friend, Harm.  That hasn't changed.”

 

“Well, as your best friend, my foremost interest is that you’re happy.”

 

“Well, that’s good to know.”  Mac smiled a little, wondering where he was going with this.

 

“So I have to ask you,” Harm willed himself to meet her eyes as he spoke, “Do you love him?”

 

Mac instantly grew defensive.  “I already told you, that’s not a question you get to ask!”

 

“On the contrary.  As your best friend, it is my duty to ask.  I want to make sure you’re doing the right thing.”

 

Mac’s eyes flashed.  “Of course I’m doing the right thing!”

 

“Then why won’t you give me a definite answer?” Harm challenged.

 

Mac just stared at him openmouthed, not knowing how to respond, and surprised that he was pressing the issue.  She felt as if his eyes were penetrating her very soul.

 

“Come on, Mac.  Look me in the eye and tell me you love him.”

 

“I…I…” Mac stammered.

 

“I thought so.  Now look me in the eye and tell me you don’t feel anything for me--anything at all.  Because back there on the porch I felt something, and I’m pretty sure you did too, based on how you responded.  That was not the kiss of a woman who is happily engaged to another man.  So tell me I’m wrong.”

 

“I…” Mac averted her eyes, not able to withstand the intensity of his gaze.  The steely determination in his eyes was overwhelming.  He was practically daring her to contradict him.

 

Harm reached out and gently put a finger under her chin, turning her face towards him again.  His touch had a strange way of both calming her and scaring her.  Rather, her reaction to his touch was scaring her.  She welcomed it--too much.  In fact, she wanted it.  Needed it.  Needed him.  Until tonight, she hadn’t realized how much she had missed being close to him. 

 

Harm dropped his hand back in his lap.  His tone of voice softened.  “Why are you marrying him, Mac?”

 

“Because…he…”  Mac looked down in frustration and tried to gather her thoughts.  She pushed down those familiar feelings that were rising up within her and threatening to overtake her.  Then, with a determined stubbornness, she looked directly at him.  “He loves me!” she exclaimed defensively.  Harm just continued to silently question her with his eyes.  Understanding that her answer was not good enough, she continued awkwardly.  “He…promised me what I’ve always wanted: a home, a family, a future…”

 

“Those are all good things, Mac.  But are they the right reasons to get married?” Harm asked quietly.

 

“They seem like pretty good reasons to me.  And they are more than you’ve ever promised me!”  Mac’s eyes flashed defiantly, but with an almost unnoticeable hint of sadness.

 

Those words stung, but Harm pressed on.  “Oh, I beg to differ.  I *did* promise you those things--two years ago.”

 

“No, two years ago you promised to be the father of my child.”

 

Harm couldn’t believe his ears.  “Is that all you think it was, Mac?  Just an offer to be a sperm donor?”

 

Mac’s sigh was a mixture of frustration, irritation, and trace of deeply buried sorrow.  “I don’t know, Harm.  I wanted to believe it meant more, but then time went by and nothing happened.  You left to go fly.  Things changed.  I guess I lost hope.  So now when I look back on that day, yeah, that’s what it sounded like to me.”

 

Harm ran his hand through his hair in frustration.  “Well, that’s not at all what I intended for it to sound like.”

 

“So what *did* you mean, sailor?” Mac challenged.

 

“A home, a family, a future…” Harm repeated her words.

 

“And you just said those aren’t the right reasons to get married!”  Mac felt like they were going in circles.

 

“No, they’re not.  Not if you don’t truly love the person.”  Harm spoke softly, almost reverently.  “But, if you *do*…” Harm trailed off, afraid to voice the rest.

 

Mac’s breath caught in her throat as she processed his words.  “Harm, what exactly are you trying to say here?”

 

“What I’m trying to say is that…I promised you those things…at least I meant to promise you those things…because I…” Harm looked away shyly, a lump forming in this throat.

 

“Because you what, Harm?”  Mac tried to hide the desperation in her voice.  She tried not to hope that the next words would be what she had been longing to hear for so many years, but it was useless.  She was drowning in anticipation.  Once again Harmon Rabb held all power over her.  Her heart was hinging on his next words.  He alone held the power to lift her into joyous ecstasy, or to crush her into miserable self-pity.

 

Harm was determined not to make the same mistake twice in one evening, so he mustered all the courage he could find and turned back to look deep into her eyes.  “Because I’m in love with you.”

 

Suddenly a mixture of conflicting emotions was flooding Mac's heart and mind.  Happiness, relief, regret, desperation.  Her world was suddenly spinning out of control and she couldn’t breathe.  She felt her eyes welling up with tears and was powerless to stop it.

 

Harm, seeing the turmoil on her face and her impending tears, was confused by her reaction.

 

“Mac?”  Harm begged her with his eyes.

 

Mac looked away, ashamed of her tears, but Harm had already seen them starting to fall.

 

“Mac, please.  Say something.  I don’t understand.”  This wasn’t at all what he expected.

 

“Oh, God!”  The tears were flowing freely now.

 

Harm didn’t quite know what to do, so he did the only thing he could, he took her in his arms, pulled her close, and just held her and let her cry.

 

“I’ve made a terrible mistake.”  Mac sobbed into his shirt after a few minutes.  “I’ve messed up everything!”

 

For the first time that night a ray of hope broke through.  Harm rubbed her back affectionately as he began to understand what she was saying.  “Not necessarily.”

 

Mac pulled back and looked at him.  “How’s that?”  She said with a sniffle.  Harm reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb, just like he had done in the past.  Mac was once again lost in the power of his touch.  His hand lingered on her cheek before sliding back down her arm and around her back to join his other hand that was still there.

 

“Well, last time I looked, you only had on an engagement ring, not a wedding band.  So you haven’t really made a big mistake yet.”

 

“You’re right.”  Mac wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed.  “I can’t marry Mic.  I don’t love him.  I guess it’s better to realize this now rather than six months into the marriage.”  Mac sighed loudly.  “I can’t believe I almost married the wrong man.”

 

“And I almost let you.”

 

“But you didn’t and I’m not.”  A small smile started to form on Mac’s face.  “For the record, I’m in love with you, sailor.”

 

Now it was Harm’s turn to smile.  Slowly, with his arms still around her, he leaned towards her and she did the same.  Their lips met in a sweet, tender kiss.  It didn’t have the same raw, desperate passion that their kiss back on the porch did, but this one was full of promise.  When they broke apart, they just sat there gazing at each other, reveling in what had just happened.

 

Harm was about to kiss her again when he saw her features cloud over.  Before he could ask what was wrong, Mac blurted out one word.

 

“Renee.”

 

Harm instantly understood.  “Don’t worry.  She’s already on the way out.  I just haven’t found a way to let her down easily.  At least now I have an incentive to do it quickly.”

 

Mac smiled in relief.  As she continued to gaze at him, she could see desire and longing in his darkened eyes--the same desire and longing that she felt.  “Harm, we shouldn’t take this any further until we have dealt with our significant others.  We at least owe them that much.”

 

Harm nodded in agreement.  “You’re exactly right.  And we shouldn’t keep them waiting too much longer either.”

 

“Harm, I’m not sure meeting them at Benzinger’s is a good idea for me right now.  I don’t want to pretend anymore with Mic.  Yet I don't want to break off our engagement in such a public place.  He deserves a little more dignity than that.  Besides, this is all a little overwhelming.  I need some time to process all that has happened.  So I’m just going to go home and call Mic.  I’ll tell him I don’t feel well or something.  That way when he gets home he won’t try to…uh…you know.”  Mac figured Harm didn’t want to hear about them being intimate, and she didn’t want to think about it, either.

 

Harm was grateful she didn’t elaborate on that last thought.  The last thing he wanted to think about was Mac in bed with Mic.  The assurance that they would only be sleeping made it easier to swallow.

 

“Well, I’m going home as well.  For all the same reasons.  I’ll call Renee and make up an excuse.”

 

“You know,” Mac got a mischievous gleam in her eye.  “I bet they’ve been talking about us while they waited.  In fact, they’ve probably been talking about us all night.”

 

Harm smirked.  “I’m sure they’re suspicious.  Renee sure has been from day one!  They’re probably wondering if we’re together right now.”

 

“Which is why we need to make sure we both call them from our home phones.  Caller ID doesn’t lie.”

 

“Good thinking, marine.”  Harm stood and held his arm out to her.  “Walk you back to your car?”

 

Mac smiled and took his arm in hers.  “Of course!”

 

*****

 

Benzinger’s

 

“You know, it’s funny,” Mic said as he stared into his drink.  “Even though tonight was a party for Sarah and me, I still felt like an outsider.  Like I don’t quite fit in.”

 

“I know what you mean.  I know the only reason they accept me is because I’m with Harm.  He’s my only connection to them.”

 

“You did the recruitment commercial,” Mic pointed out, trying to be encouraging.

 

Renee snorted.  “Yeah, the one starring Harm and *only* Harm.  So I rest my case.  Harm is my only connection.  I don’t fit in this world.  At least you understand it.  You used to work there.  You belong more than I do.”

 

“Theoretically, yes.  But I still feel like they only accept me because of Sarah.”

 

“Well, Sarah’s a lucky girl if you ask me.  She’s getting what every woman wants--a marriage to a really great guy who loves her.”  Renee smiled wistfully.  “I can only hope…”  Her voice trailed off.

 

Mic reached across the table and covered her hand with his.  “Harm will come around, I’m sure.  Once he sees what a lucky man he is, there’ll be no stopping him.”  Mic smiled encouragingly.

 

Renee’s features softened at Mic’s words.  “That’s what I keep hoping for everyday.”  Suddenly, a look of concern washed over her face.  “Harm should have been here by now.  JAG isn’t *that* far away.”

 

Mic pulled his hand back and nervously looked toward the door.  “Sarah should have been here by now as well.  I can’t imagine that she and Harriet had *that* much to talk about.”

 

“Do you find it odd that they planned this whole impromptu get-together and then suddenly they both had something come up to delay them?”

 

“Well, it is a little strange…”  Mic pondered her words.

 

“I just can’t help but wonder…”

 

Anything Renee was going to say was cut off by the sound of Mic’s cell phone ringing.  Mic checked the caller-ID before answering.

 

“Sarah!  Is everything okay?  Why are you at home?”

 

[Everything’s fine, Mic.  I just don’t feel real well, that’s all.  Nothing serious.  Probably just something I ate didn’t agree with me.  That, combined with being tired, stressed out, and overwhelmed by all the excitement has put me out of commission for this evening.  So I’m just going to go on to bed.  Tell Harm and Renee I’m sorry I’m not there to share in the fun.]

 

Mac bit her lip.  She hated lying like this to Mic.  But hadn’t she done that every time she denied there was something between her and Harm?  And she couldn’t exactly tell him the truth over the phone.  After all, the truth was a can of worms.

 

“Harm’s not here, Sarah.”

 

[He’s not?  I hope everything’s okay.]  Mac tried to sound as genuinely worried as she could without overdoing it.

 

“He said he had to stop at JAG to get an important case file.  If he doesn’t show up soon Renee is going to call him.”

 

[Oh.  He probably just got sidetracked by his email or something.  Well, I’ll see you when you get home.]

 

“Yeah.  Bye, luv.”

 

[Bye.]

 

Mic shut the cell phone and looked at Renee.  “She says she doesn’t feel good and isn’t coming.”

 

Renee’s eyes narrowed.  “You don’t think Harm is with her, do you?”

 

Mic halfheartedly shrugged.  “She seemed surprised when I told her he wasn’t here.  I want to believe her.”

 

Renee looked down at her suddenly ringing cell phone.  “Well, apparently you can, because Harm is at home right now.”  Renee flipped the phone open and held it to her ear.  “Harm, why aren’t you here?” Renee blurted out in an accusatory tone.  “Wait, don’t tell me.  *You’re* not feeling well, either.”  Renee rolled her eyes.

 

[No, actually, I’m not.  But what do you mean by ‘either’?  Are you feeling okay?]

 

Renee sighed loudly into the phone.  “*I’m* fine.  But Mac just called and said she wasn’t coming because she doesn’t ‘feel good’.  And now neither do you.  It’s just kind of ironic.”

 

[Well, Mac and I have had a busy, stressful week.  I can’t speak for Mac, but I know I have a splitting headache.  I just want to get to bed and get some sleep.]

 

Renee smiled mischievously, looked away from Mic, and lowered her voice.  “You want some company?”

 

[No.  I’d probably already be asleep by the time you got here.  Look, Renee.  I just need some rest.  I’m sorry.]

 

“Well, you should have thought of that when you dreamt up this plan to come to Benzinger’s!” Renee scolded him.

 

[I felt fine then.  This didn’t hit me until I was on my way there.  I’m sorry, Renee.  You and Mic have a good time, and I’ll see you later.]

 

“Tomorrow?” Renee asked hopefully.

 

[Yeah, if you want.  Goodnight.]

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Renee shoved her phone back into her purse.  “Harm is not feeling well either and doesn’t seem to want me around tonight.  So it’s just you and me, Mic.  ”

 

“Okay, but I don't want to leave until I have another drink.  I'm not driving, after all.  Besides, I'm enjoying the company.  You don’t mind staying, do you?”  Mic smiled.

 

“Not at all.  Take your time.  I’m enjoying the company, too.”  Renee returned his smile with one of her own.

 

“Harm must be crazy to not want you around tonight.  But I guess I always did think he was a little crazy.”  Mic winked as he took a sip of his drink.

 

Renee laughed.  “Sometimes I think he is too.  You know, I could go for dessert.  How 'bout you?”

 

"Yeah, dessert sounds nice."  Mic smiled as he flagged down a waiter.

 

*****

 

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown, Washington DC

 

Mac was in bed trying to go to sleep, but her mind wouldn’t let her.  She was too busy thinking about all that had happened and all that Harm had said to her.  And about how she was going to break things off with Mic.

 

She shuddered as she heard the key in the lock.  The soft click of the door closing was like a jail cell door slamming shut.  She knew that he would wake her up to talk, and she just didn’t want to face him yet.  Her emotions were still raw and running rampant in her brain.  She felt his presence in the room and tried to be as still as possible, knowing that it was futile.  After getting undressed, he slipped into bed and snuggled up behind her.  He wrapped one arm around her middle and rested his hand on her flat stomach.  His touch was cold to her.  His body pressed against hers felt like an invasion.  Mac stifled a chuckle at how one long awaited declaration from Harmon Rabb Jr. could completely turn her off from all other men.

 

“Sarah, are you alright?”

 

“I was, until someone woke me up.”  Mac tried to sound groggy, hoping to convince him to go away.

 

“Well, you know, Sarah, I was hoping we could continue celebrating tonight.  Just you and me.”  Mic’s voice was low and suggestive and Mac felt her entire body tense.

 

“Mic, I just don’t have it in me tonight.  I’m tired and I don’t feel like I could be what you’re expecting.”

 

“Oh, I’m not expecting anything I don’t already know you have in you.  And I’m pretty sure I can draw it out of you.”  Mic was breathing down her neck as he spoke. 

 

As his hand slid up her stomach toward her breasts, Mac could feel his growing arousal behind her.  She started to feel sick.  She felt like she was cheating on Harm by having Mic in her bed.  Even though she was *technically* still engaged to Mic, in her mind she had pledged herself to Harm back at the Wall.  Deep down, she knew her heart had always belonged to Harm, and now that she knew his heart was hers as well, there was no turning back.  She had to stop Mic before he made her do something she would regret.  He had already made her do too many things she regretted, and she hated herself for the mess she was in.

 

“Mic, stop!  Please!”  She grabbed his hand and pushed it back towards him, shoving him away slightly.  He was momentarily silent.

 

“Sarah, I…I don’t understand.  What’s wrong?”

 

Mac rolled over to face him.  She wasn’t sure, but it was almost as if he gasped when he saw the look on her face.

 

“I just want to go to sleep.  I can’t be with you right now.  I just can’t get my head into it.  I’m sorry.  I hope you understand.”

 

“No, I don’t understand.  But if that’s the way you want it to be tonight, then I guess it has to be okay with me, right luv?”  Mic’s mouth smiled, but his eyes betrayed the rejection and disappointment he felt.

 

Mac smiled in relief.  Mic gave her a quick kiss and rolled over.

 

*****

 

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station

 

Harm tossed and turned for hours.  The events of the evening kept replaying in his mind.  He was relieved that he had been able to convince Renee not to come over.  He needed some time to sort things out and figure out how to break things off with her.  And she was *not* the woman he wanted in his bed.  Being with her felt like cheating on Mac--especially now that he knew that Mac’s heart belonged to him.  From now on, he could never be with anyone else.  That much he was sure of.

 

Finally, long after getting in bed, he drifted off to sleep.  But he was rudely awakened just a few hours later by an incessant pounding on the door and an irritating, whiney voice.

 

“Harm?  Open up!  I brought breakfast and I don’t want to eat it all by myself in your hallway.”

 

Harm groaned and dragged himself out of bed and towards the door.  He rubbed his eyes with one hand and opened the door with the other.

 

Renee pranced into the apartment without even so much as a look in his direction.  She proceeded directly to the kitchen counter and began laying out what she had brought.

 

“Renee, you didn’t have--”  

 

“Yes, I did.  You obviously need some food to nourish that stubborn brain of yours.  And you *don’t* need to stay in bed all morning.”

 

Renee whirled around to face him.  As soon as he looked into her eyes, he knew he did the right thing by telling her not to come over last night.  She would have wanted something he could no longer give her.  Until last night, he had been enjoying her company.  But now he couldn’t enjoy it anymore.  Not after what he knew now.  The woman he had loved…wanted…needed…for so long was finally almost his.  He knew he needed to do this quickly.  He just didn’t know how.

 

Renee had already started eating and was now handing him a croissant.  He took it and bit off a small amount, not really hungry.  He silently prayed that he would be able to find the right words.

 

“Harm, I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t spend much time with me last night.”  Renee blurted out when she could no longer stand the silence.

 

“Renee, I--”

 

“In fact, Harm, you barely talked to me at all.  Is there a reason for that?”  Renee put down her croissant, crossed her arms, and stared at him.

 

“Mac and I had a lot to talk about.”

 

“Oh?”  Renee raised one eyebrow.

 

“Yeah, we have a lot going on right now.  We’re working on a tough case and--”

 

“Cut the crap, Harm.  I know you didn’t spend the entire time on the porch talking about a case.”

 

“You do?”  Harm was worried now.  Just what did she know?  And how did she know it?  Did she know about the kiss on the porch?  Or worse, did she know that they went to the Wall?

 

“Of course I do.  I wasn’t born yesterday.  The looks on your faces as you came and went were *not* the looks of lawyers hashing out a deal.”

 

Harm chuckled in spite of himself.  If only she knew the irony of her words!

 

“Yeah, you’re right.  We did spend some time talking about our past.  And our future.”  Harm neglected to mention that the talk about the future happened at a later time and a different location.

 

“Your future?”  Renee was incredulous.  “You mean the future where Mac is happily married to Mic and you’re with me?”

 

“No.  Not that future.”  Harm spoke softly and looked away nervously, hoping she would get the underlying meaning.

 

“Harm, what do you mean?”  Renee’s voice rose to an even higher pitch and was filled with frustration and panic.

 

“Renee, you’ve made it clear that you want a miracle: a marriage, a family.  I can’t give that to you.  I’m sorry if I led you to believe otherwise.  It was never my intention.”

 

Renee stood there stunned for a few seconds, then her eyes hardened.  “It’s Mac, isn’t it?  You just can’t get past her, can you?”

 

It was finally time to be honest with her.  “No, I can’t.”

 

“But Harm, she’s marrying someone else!  You’re going to *have* to get over it!”  Renee sighed and began pacing.

 

“Maybe not.”

 

“What?”  Renee spun around, her eyes wide with surprise and fear.

 

“Mac hasn’t married him yet.  And I don’t think she will.”

 

Renee threw up her hands in frustration.  “You know what?  You’re hopeless!  No, you’re delusional!  Mic was right when he said you were crazy.”

 

Harm’s eyes grew wide.  “He said I was crazy?”

 

“Yes, and I think I am too.  Crazy for staying with you.  But not anymore.  I can’t keep doing this, Harm.”  Renee was on the verge of tears.

 

“And I’m not going to ask you to do it anymore.  It’s not fair to either of us.”

 

“No, it’s not.”  Renee began hurriedly gathering her things.  As she walked toward the door, Harm reached out a hand to stop her.

 

“I truly hope you get your miracle one day, Renee.”  The look in his eyes told her he was sincere.

 

“I hope so too.  Goodbye, Harm.”

 

Renee gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and slipped out before her tears could fall.

 

Harm leaned against the door and sighed in relief.  He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.  He wondered how long he should wait before he called Mac.

 

*****

 

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown, Washington DC

 

Mac got up early before Mic woke up.  She wasn’t sleeping well and she certainly did not want a repeat of the previous evening when Mic had been so amorous.  In her frustration and nervousness, she found herself vigorously cleaning everything in her apartment, whether it actually needed cleaning or not.

 

“If you scrub that platter any harder you’re going to rub the finish off, luv.”

 

Mac looked up to see Mic in the kitchen doorway.  She sheepishly smiled in embarrassment.  “I guess I wasn’t paying attention.  I have a lot on my mind right now.”

 

“Oh?  Am I in any of those thoughts?”  Mic asked suggestively as he walked toward her.