Title- Instant Gratification (1/?)

Author- manette

Rating- PG 13

This is a short silly story inspired by Sturgis's comment and a television commercial.

Instant Gratification

“Harm? Do you think I’m a prig?”

I was working at my desk in my small, smelly office, buried under piles of files that I hadn’t organized yet, when Mac stuck her head in my door and, out of the blue, presented me with the task of answering this very loaded question.

I looked up trying to read her mood, trying to guess why she was asking, but it must have taken me too long to formulate an answer because she sighed loudly and said “Nevermind.” in a resigned voice, then she flopped down in the chair in front of my desk.

“Sturgis said I was a prig, and Bud didn’t really disagree with him. I know I’ve always tried to be a by-the-book Marine, but a prig? I can’t stop thinking about it, and, Harm, you know me better than anyone, so I figured I would get your opinion, but I think I already know the answer.”

I started to say something but she just kept talking before I had the chance. “I’m not going to apologize for being tough. I’ve had to be tough to survive, and I’m not going to let anyone push me around. But maybe it’s just gotten to be a habit with me. And that’s not good, is it? That’s no way to live my life.”

She paused to take a breath so I said, “Well, Mac—”

“I know what you’re going to say.” She interrupted me before I could finish. “You think I need to loosen up. You think I need to be more fun loving and less structured. You think that I need to be spontaneous, don’t you? And you’re right. I’m always postponing the good stuff. When is the last time I did something just because it felt good? When is the last time I acted goofy?” Her voice was getting louder and more adamant as she asked, “When is the last time I did something just for the fun of it?”

“I don’t know, Mac.” I don’t think she even heard me as she continued.

“Well, I’ll tell you when. Never! But that’s about to change. From now on I’m going to live my life on the edge, go for the gusto, and break a few eggs.” Her eyes were bright as she jumped up from her chair and rounded my desk in a rush.

Before I knew what was happening she hauled me out of my chair and planted a big wet kiss right on my mouth. And it was some kiss too—one of those spontaneous, unstructured, egg breaking kind of kisses that no prig I ever knew was capable of delivering. She moaned, or maybe I moaned, or maybe we both moaned as her lips left mine, then she patted me on the cheek and said, “Thanks, Harm. You’ve been a big help.”

And with that she walked out of my office and shut the door. I sank back down into my chair and tried to process what had just happened. I was aroused, amused and a little intrigued about what had set her off, but I wasn’t going to complain. I would bet big money that this was some passing mood and the next time I saw her she would be either embarrassed and apologize or she would try to pretend that it never happened.

Since my return to JAG things between us had been a little off kilter. I mean for the most part we acted like our old selves. We argued over cases. We goaded and teased each other just like old times. But it all stayed at work. Outside of JAG we didn’t see each other, and we had never really dealt with Paraguay in any way that settled anything. Just hearing the name of that country made me want to put my fist through a wall.

But then it seemed my life with Mac could all be boiled down to geographical locations. Paraguay, Australia, Russia. Just the mention of those places filled me with regret when I thought about all of the lost chances we’d thrown away. Damn it all. As far as I knew she was still seeing Webb, so I wasn’t going to get all dewy eyed and hopeful just because she kissed me.

She’d been pretty clear that she didn’t see a future for us as anything but friends, and I was determined to learn to live with it. After all, for years, despite the fact that she was the most desirable woman on the planet, I had been the one to back away when she tried to push us into something more. I had been afraid of the fallout if it didn’t work out for us. I’d convinced myself that it was smarter to keep things platonic because it was safe and I didn’t want to lose her. Nothing about that had changed. I still didn’t want to lose her. Six months in the CIA had convinced me of that. It had been a learning experience and an adventure, but it had been lonely as hell. Before I had gone to Paraguay I had finally admitted to myself that I loved her. But it had been too little and obviously too late, so now I couldn’t really complain if friendship was all we could salvage from the mess.

I had just managed to refocus on the case in front of me when the door reopened, and Mac marched back inside and shut the door behind her.

My eyes grew wide as she rounded my desk and this time grabbed the arms of my chair and twirled me around to face her. Half crawling into my lap she kissed me again, and this time it was soft and aching with tenderness. All those friendship lectures I had just been giving myself flew out the window, and this time I wrapped her in my arms and melded my mouth to hers.

Finally we broke apart and before I could stop her she was out of my lap and headed for the door. Just as she walked out she turned and said. “In case you’re wondering, that was a ‘just because it felt good’ kiss.” Then she winked and disappeared again.

I sat frozen for about a minute, staring at the door, hoping that Mac would come back for act three. I got up and peeked out into the hallway, but she was nowhere to be seen so I wandered into the bullpen and saw her talking to Sturgis. I suddenly felt more alive than I had in months, and as I watched her I knew I was tired of playing it safe where she was concerned. If she was seeing Webb she could tell me to take a flying leap, but I was ready to take some kind of leap with or without her, and this time nothing, not even the fear of falling on my face, could stop me.

Sturgis was trying to convince her to take some deal that he was offering, and I just barged in and interrupted without trying to be polite. “Mac, when’s the last time you did anything goofy?”

She looked puzzled at my question and then a big smile broke across her face. “Do you have something in mind, Harm?”

“I’ve had a lot on my mind ever since you left my office.” Sturgis was looking back and forth between the two of us like we were speaking in codes and maybe we were. “Go out with me tonight.”

She looked surprised and hesitated before saying, “Well now, that really would be goofy.”

“Is that a yes?” I tried to charm her into accepting.

Finally she relented and said, “Sure, Harm. Oh and Sturgis, I accept your offer too.” She waltzed off into her office leaving the two of us staring after her.

I turned to Sturgis and asked, “Did you call her a prig?”

He looked uncomfortable and then admitted, “Yes, but she was really hard to live with while you were gone.”

I grabbed him in a bear hug and said, “Thanks, Sturgis. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.” Then I sailed back to my office, resisting the urge to whistle as I thought about the night ahead of me and what it might hold.

Part Two


I slipped into a short chiffon turquoise spaghetti strap dress that was more feminine and flirty than anything I’d ever worn for Harm before and counted the minutes until it was time for him to pick me up for our date. I wasn’t going to kid myself about my motives for picking the sexiest dress I owned. For once I knew exactly what I was trying to do. I fastened the straps of my three inch high heels and checked my make-up one last time in the mirror. I didn't want to just knock his socks off. I wanted him to want me—openly and without regard to past sins or future consequences.

Either I’d lost my mind or finally found it.

I kissed Harm twice—in the same day—on the lips. If I’d known that was all it would take to get him to ask me out I would have launched myself at him every time he came into a room starting about eight years ago. Not that I’d been planning to start anything with him today. Not really. At least not with that first kiss. I had simply surrendered to a mad impulse, but the second one had been nothing but pure premeditated self indulgence.

Hallelujah and let me at him.

I was so happy to have him back at JAG that I was practically vibrating. The last six months had been miserable, and even though he had been keeping me at arms length everywhere but during working hours, I was prepared to live with whatever I could get. I needed him in my life—it was as simple as that—as a friend, as a colleague, even as just a nodding acquaintance. But I wanted more and all of those feelings that I had continually stuffed back inside were suddenly bursting at the seams to get out again, and I seemed helpless to stop them. Common sense and declarations in Paraguay aside, nothing had prepared me for the hole that had been torn in my life when he left it, and I didn’t have it in me to pretend indifference any longer. Since his return I found myself smiling for no reason, humming as I worked in my office and making up lame excuses to go visit him down the hall in his cramped little office.

Lame excuses like asking him if he thought I was a prig. I really wanted to know if he agreed with Sturgis but I had started babbling and before I knew it I was knee deep in self analysis. I could admit that I was too buttoned up and hard nosed, but keeping a lid on my feelings about him had turned into a full time job. My attempts to appear normal while he’d been gone must have come across as cold and unfeeling to Sturgis. So maybe I had gotten carried away and had gone too far in the other direction when I’d grabbed him and kissed him, but it was too late to worry about that now.

I didn’t expect all of our issues to magically disappear, but the idea of trying a new tact—one that focused on what we liked about each other rather than why we wouldn’t work seemed like a novel idea. I had been shocked and then pleased when he followed me into the bull pen and asked me out right in front of Sturgis. I meant it when I said I was going to start living dangerously, and Harm had always been the most tempting risk I’d ever known.

I froze momentarily when the doorbell rang ten minutes before he was supposed to be there. I smoothed my hands across my skirt and looked out the peep hole to make sure it was Harm. Then I opened the door and let him in. “You’re early,” I said a bit breathlessly.

“I couldn’t wait any longer.” He shrugged apologetically and I smiled at the admission.

Then he wrapped one hand around the back of my neck and leaned down to kiss me on the cheek. I barely resisted the urge to turn my mouth to meet his and closed my eyes to savor his nearness. As he straightened his eyes traveled over me before he said, “You look gorgeous, Mac.” He didn’t try to mask the hunger in his eyes when he looked at me.

“So do you,” I told him honestly. He was dressed in black slacks and the softest black cashmere sweater I had ever felt. Just one more reason I would have trouble keeping my hands to myself.

He asked me if I was ready and then helped me on with the small sweater wrap that matched my dress. We started toward the door when I stopped suddenly.

“Oh wait,” I said. “I almost forgot something.” I walked into the bedroom and came out carrying a small overnight bag. “I might need this later.”

His eyes widened slightly but other than that he seemed determined not to show any reaction or ask questions. He just wrapped an arm around me and led me out of the apartment.

He was driving his Corvette instead of the Lexus, and he was doing his best to keep his eyes on the road and off of me. I kept catching him as he glanced at my bare legs, and then his eyes would bounce off my cleavage and travel up to my face. I enjoyed the feel of his eyes on me though. It made me feel decadent and womanly all at the same time.

“Where are we going?” I asked lazily as I leaned my head back against the seat.

The question hung in the air between us. We had been trying to figure that out from the moment we met, but he answered by raising his eyebrows and giving me a knowing look. “We’re going to my place.”

I straightened in my seat. “Are you cooking dinner? You should have just told me to meet you there. You didn’t have to pick me up.”

“I’m not cooking dinner.” His voice was low and husky.

“Oh.” Now I was puzzled. “So what are we going to do?”

“Well you said you were tired of waiting for the good stuff, so I figured why go through all of the preliminaries of dinner and dancing when I can give you what you really want right away?”

I turned to stare at him and hoped my mouth wasn’t hanging open. Surely he didn’t mean what I thought he meant. I know that I had started this whole chain of events by kissing him at the office but there was no way he could expect me to just jump into bed with him. Maybe he was testing me. Maybe this was his way of seeing how far he could push me before I followed our old pattern and ran the other way as fast as I could, but if that was his plan he was in for a big surprise. If this was a game of chicken, I wouldn’t be the first to back down.

Two could play this game so I batted my eyes and asked demurely, “Can’t you drive any faster?”

His eyes locked with mine, and my heart and the car sped up as his foot pressed down harder on the accelerator.


Part Three


We arrived at his apartment, and he offered me a hand to help me from the car. I grabbed on and he didn’t let go as we made our way inside his building and into the elevator. His elevator had always seemed larger in the past. Now it was filled with his presence and my vivid imagination of what he had in store for me once we were alone behind closed doors.

His thumb was brushing softly back and forth across the back of my hand, and I could tell by the challenging gleam in his eye that he thought he was in control of the situation. Not that I wasn’t willing to go along with anything he had in mind—like a lamb to slaughter—but this was going to be a mutual surrender if I had anything to say about it.

I turned to face him, crowding him so that my breasts barely brushed his chest, and he had to look down to see me. I smoothed my hand across his sweater feeling the hard muscles underneath, and noticed with satisfaction that his breathing had become as labored as mine.

“I missed you, Harm.” My words were whispered and sincere. I was cleverly injecting a little honest emotion into the scenario to see if I could throw him off stride.

“Good.” His honesty was a little more brutal than mine, and my admission seemed to make him bolder. He moved our joined hands around to the small of my back, bending my arm behind me as he pulled me tightly against his body.

“You wanted me to miss you?” I asked softly. The answer to that question might lead to things we had managed to avoid since his return.

He studied my face and then made an admission of his own. “I wanted you to ache for me.”

His mouth was hovering achingly close to mine when the elevator rumbled to a stop and the door slid open. He smiled and let me go. At least I didn’t baa as I followed him to his front door and into his den of inequity.

It was almost a cliché—dim lights, sultry music, candles, and flowers everywhere. I wanted to laugh at his obvious attempt to set the stage for seduction. But it didn’t feel like a cliché when Harm turned to me and took my purse and overnight case from me and set them down. It didn’t feel obvious when he stood behind me and eased my sweater off my shoulders, letting his fingers trail down my arms in a painfully slow journey. And when he leaned down and nibbled on my bare shoulder it felt like original sin.

I noticed the music wasn’t the usual soft jazz he favored for social occasions. This music was oozing with a primal rhythm that took up residence in my body and evoked all sorts of wild jungle images. Writhing snakelike lovers coiled around each other in passion. Lusty lads and maidens prancing naked in virgin forests. Me tackling Harm sometime within the next five minutes.

He led me to a barstool and eased me onto it and whispered, “Don’t move.”

I was totally confused when he went behind the island and started pulling out plates and silverware. “I thought you said you didn’t cook dinner.”

“I didn’t.” He smiled smugly and said, “Close your eyes.”

“Harm,” I feigned annoyance, but I gave in and did as he asked.

I heard him rustling around some more and then he said, “Okay, you can look.”

I opened my eyes and gasped. Sitting in front of me was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. Well, actually I had seen it once about five years before, but I had given up hope of ever seeing it again. It was Harm’s peanut butter and devils food cake. A miraculous multi-layered affair that was made with two different kinds of cake held together with peanut butter cream filling and then covered in thick fudge icing. He’d made it once for a pot luck dinner at Harriet and Bud’s and I had barely gotten a taste before it had been irreverently devoured by the undeserving masses. Well, ok, I’d had two pieces, and it was rich enough to make your eyes roll back into your head, so most people could barely eat one small slice, but nonetheless I had begged him to make it again and for five years he had told me that it was too complicated, too much trouble, not worth the effort, and here it was sitting before me in all of its glory.

I didn’t know what to say, and I was close to tears when I turned to him and asked, “You made this for me?”

He nodded and seemed pleased by my reaction and came around the island and sat beside me.

“I thought it wasn’t worth the effort,” I said in a small voice.

“You’re worth the effort, Mac.”

My eyes flew to his face, but he was busy cutting the cake and putting it on a plate. Then he turned on his bar stool to face me, and he spread his legs wide and moved so that my legs were nestled between his. He fed me a small piece and I closed my eyes as the flavor exploded in my mouth. He slowly pulled the fork from my mouth, watching as I licked my lips and moaned in ecstasy.

His eyes were dancing as he offered me more. “Why bother with dinner when you can go straight to dessert.”

“That’s my new motto,” I agreed wholeheartedly. I grabbed the fork and dug in greedily. He seemed amused as I sighed in bliss and carried on between bites—thanking him profusely, telling him how amazing it tasted and admitting, at the risk of over inflating his ego, that he was a sheer culinary genius. I finally slowed down and glanced his way.

“I have always been fascinated by your appetite,” he murmured and his eyes were dark as night.

I suddenly felt self conscience under his gaze and asked, “Don’t you want some?”

“Some cake?” he asked teasingly. His innuendo was clear and I was once again aware of the teeming atmosphere in the room. The music pulsed through my body, the sugar was zinging through my veins and his eyes were stripping me of all my defenses.

“Some cake,” I repeated brilliantly.

“I don’t want any cake,” he said as he leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth. “But I do think it’s time to move this date to phase two.”

I returned the favor and kissed the corner of his mouth and asked with trembling anticipation. “What’s phase two?”

“I promised you something goofy, so let’s go to the bedroom and get started.”

When I thought of his bedroom, and I thought of it often, goofy was never the adjective that came to mind.

Before I could think of a response he scooped me from the bar stool and into his arms. Five seconds later he dumped me unceremoniously onto the middle of his bed and stood towering over me. He pulled his sweater off over his head and then headed for the bathroom. Turning back to look at me he said, “Wait right there.”

As if anything but wild horses could drag me from that very spot. I was smeared with chocolate, Harm was half naked and the sounds of the jungle still beat in the other room. This was turning into the perfect date.

Part Four

I forced myself to keep walking toward the bathroom where I finished taking off my clothes. I couldn’t let myself think about how incredible Mac looked sprawled across my bed because I was bound and determined to carry out my plan for this date without wavering from my designated course. So far I had managed to keep her off balance, and that was no small feat where she was concerned.

I had given our situation a lot of thought since I had asked her out that afternoon, and one thing seemed clear to me. We knew each other so well that somewhere along the line we’d stopped really listening to each other and started assuming that we already knew what the other had to say. I was going to try to not make that mistake anymore and maybe if I started listening hard enough I would find out that what she wanted was something I might still be able to give her. I hoped so and in the meantime, it couldn’t hurt to have a little fun. Fun was something that had been missing from both of our lives for a long time.

I finished getting ready and walked back out into the bedroom. She was right where I’d left her—right where she had been in at least a million of my fantasies—lying in the big middle of my bed with a bemused smile on her face. But her eyes widened when she saw me, and she sat straight up on the bed. Then she started laughing.

That had never happened in my fantasies.

She covered her mouth with her hand and asked, “Harm, what are you doing?”

I must have been a stunning sight in my swim trunks—complete with swim fins on my feet, goggles on my eyes and a snorkel in my mouth. The picture was completed by the rubber ducky inner tube I had around my waist.

I flapped my way over to the side of the bed, pulled the snorkel from my mouth, pushed the goggles up to my forehead and said, “We’re going swimming.” I threw a small bag at her and said, “Go get changed.”

“Swimming? It’s the middle of winter.” She was still laughing, but now she sounded a bit concerned.

“What’s a little cold weather to a big bad Marine? Besides I thought you wanted to start living life on the edge.”

She was unimpressed by my not so subtle challenge but finally curiosity got the best of her and she opened the bag and pulled out a one piece racing suit. She held it up and then looked at me with raised eyebrows. “What? No bikini?”

“Oh, I would never be that obvious.” I grinned and sat down on the side of the bed facing her. “Go change. If you’re good I’ll even let you wear the rubber ducky.”

She looked like she was weighing her options but then she scooted to the edge of the bed and headed toward the bathroom. “Ok, but you better promise to keep me from freezing my butt off.”

I was grinning like a fool and trying not to stare when she came back out of the bathroom wearing the swim suit I’d picked out for her. It made me feel possessive and irrationally happy that I was going to be the only man to see her in it, but I didn’t think it would be wise to share that sentiment with her, so I helped her put on one of my trench coats, rolled up the extra long sleeves and gave her a pair of cheap flip flops for her feet. I put on a trench coat too, grabbed all the swim gear and herded her out the door.

We climbed into the Lexus, I turned up the heat full blast and a few minutes later we arrived at the indoor pool I had managed to rent for the evening. My neighbor George managed the facility that was only a few blocks from my apartment. It was used mainly by the swimming and diving teams of some of the local high schools and colleges, but this was the off season, so he’d given me the keys and I’d given him two hundred bucks. I got to be all alone with Mac in a bathing suit. It seemed like a good deal to me.

Mac seemed suitably impressed. We had the whole place to ourselves, and it was dark except for the lights inside the pool. The blue water reflected and bounced around on the walls, but I found the overhead lights and turned them on and suddenly it was as bright as daytime. Mac took off her coat, kicked off her sandals and with a grin in my direction dove cleanly into the water. She broke the surface and started swimming the length of the pool. She stopped long enough to see that I was still standing on the side watching her. “It feels wonderful, Harm. What are you waiting for?”

Suddenly I turned into a thirteen year old boy trying to impress the prettiest girl at the local swimming hole. I dove in after her and promptly tried to dunk her. I wrestled with her just as an excuse to touch her and when she laughed and swam away I chased her until I caught her. She actually squealed when my hands closed around her waist and I pulled her close before lunging sideways and taking us both down beneath the water. She looped her arms around my neck as we surfaced and I floated on my back more than content to stay that way while her legs tangled with mine. The feel of her wet body bumping gently against me was having an effect and I speared my fingers through her wet hair and tried to kiss her but she splashed water in my face and swam away from me once more. I let her go for the moment, feeling happier than I had in months.

I climbed out of the pool and spotted a mattress float leaning up against the wall. I grabbed it and threw it to Mac while I told her, “Get comfortable and prepare to be impressed.”

I bounced up and down on the low board a few times to get the feel of it and did a simple front flip into the water. Mac relaxed on the float and watched as I did a back dive, then a half gainer, and she clapped dutifully while I showed off with a few more, but then I decided it was time to bring out the old cannonball. I had found that nothing impressed a woman more than being knocked sideways off of a float by the force of great massive splash and Mac was no exception. She sputtered and tried to get back onto the float but I decided that it had been too long since I’d had my hands on her so I grabbed the float and tried to throw myself onto it too. She had no choice but to try to throw herself on top of me and so another tussle began that neither one of us was really trying to win.

Our mutual surrender left us facing each other across the float. Our arms were straight out in front of us and her hands rested on my shoulders. Beneath the water her feet scraped along my shins, and the width of the float kept an unkind distance between our bodies.

“So do you give up?” she asked as she struggled to catch her breath.

“Do you want me to give up?” I teased in return, but suddenly we both knew that I was talking about more than who won the inflatable mattress war.

She closed her eyes and sighed. “Sometimes what I want gets all mixed up with things I know I can’t have.”

This was one of those times when I really needed to listen to what she was saying and my heart was pounding in my chest when I asked, “Tell me what you want, Mac.”

“I want a place in your life,” she said without hesitating. “I’ve always wanted that, Harm.”

“That’s not what you said in Paraguay.” We had stepped around the subject all evening but we couldn’t ignore it anymore.

“What I said in Paraguay had more to do with giving up something I knew I couldn’t have.”

“And what would that be?”

She shrugged and smiled sadly before confessing, “A place in your heart.”

That place in my heart that had always been hers unclenched and I suggested tentatively, “Maybe we both gave up too easily.”

We floated and watched each other without anymore talking, but our eyes were sending messages that were plain enough. She licked her lips and any self restraint I had disappeared. Suddenly my hands were everywhere at once—behind her neck urging her closer, under her armpits pulling her toward me, around her waist as I managed to kick the float out of our way. I wanted to feel her mouth under mine and when I finally kissed her all of the playfulness was gone. This was naked desire, out of control need and only the water closing over our heads as we sank under the surface brought me to my senses.

Mac was wet and slick and looking at me with those big wide brown eyes. “I think it’s time for phase three,” she whispered in my ear.

All I could think of was the overnight bag that she’d brought with her and my mind began working overtime imagining exactly what she meant by phase three. “Whatever you want, Mac. For the rest of the night—” and I couldn’t get us home fast enough.

Part Five

Harm’s body covered mine. I could barely move as his weight held me down and his warm breath tickled my neck. Once he started nibbling on my ear I could easily forget that he had tackled me, driven me to the ground, and landed on top of me. But one of us had to remember what we’d come here to do, and it was obvious that Harm at the moment was more interested in other things. “You can get off of me now,” I whispered as the car we were hiding from disappeared around the corner.

He ignored me and started kissing my neck instead, “Are you sure you want me to?”

No, I wasn’t sure, but thirty minutes ago I would have said that by this time I would be naked as a jaybird in Harm’s warm bed. Instead it was the middle of the night and I was lying in Sturgis’s front yard getting grass stains on my butt. I wasn’t sure of anything at this point.

I mean one minute I was in the pool with Harm and the next I was in his car flying through the nearly empty streets back toward his apartment. His eyes spent as much time locked on mine as they did on the road. We must have caught every red light between the pool and his apartment and at every light he hauled me up against him and kissed me senseless.

I offered no resistance. In fact it was all I could do to stay in my own seat and not crawl into his lap. Something honest and hopeful had finally broken open between us and everything we had held back—everything we had denied was poured into those kisses.

I think we both knew that we were on the verge of taking a big step in solving the puzzle that had been our relationship, and we both knew that it wasn’t going to be as simple as jumping into bed with each other. But as jumping off places go I certainly wasn’t going to complain, not after all of these years. I loved this man and I had for a long time. It wasn’t as if this was some one night stand—two strangers having a fling after one date.

I was ready to show him how I felt. Words had always failed to make that clear, so maybe we needed to try a new form of communication.

When we left the pool we had thrown our coats on over our still wet suits so we were freezing as we ran from his car into his building. We practically fell upon each other as soon as the elevator doors closed. My hands were under his trench coat running up and down his bare back, traveling around to explore his flat stomach, back around to his hips, and all the time his mouth was playing havoc with mine. Slashing, greedy, voracious, hot kisses came at me from every direction. But it wasn’t enough and when the doors opened we laughed and stumbled half tangled together to his apartment, and I somehow managed to let him go long enough for him to open the door.

We were shivering from a combination of cold weather, wet bathing suits and anticipation of what was happening. Just inside his front door Harm stopped and grabbed me in a big hug and then rocked me back and forth with his head resting on top of mine. It was a sweet reassuring gesture—a moment of reconnection before we lost ourselves in the next tide of passion.

“You have goose bumps,” he said and then added with a chuckle, “We better get you out of this swimming suit.” He noticed my overnight case sitting on the floor and his eyes lit up. “Oh wait a minute. Let’s see what we have here.” He waggled his eyebrows and said, “Phase three—”

I tried to grab it before he could, but he picked the case up and with his long arms held it just out of my reach as he started unzipping the bag.

“Give me that, Harm. It’s not important.” I jumped and tried to reach it but he just held it higher and turned away from me.

“I want to see what you brought, Mac.” He playfully batted my hand away and looked inside.

“Nothing interesting. Really.” I ducked under his arm and started madly kissing his bare chest but he refused to be distracted.

He pulled the first item out. “Let’s see. We have a sweat pants, a sweat shirt, running shoes and what’s this? Four rolls of toilet paper?”

Embarrassed, I tried to grab the case away from him again and this time he let me. I clutched it to my chest and glared at him. “Forget you ever saw this.”

He was laughing when he said, “I don’t know if I can, Mac.”

I could tell he wasn’t going to let it go without an explanation so I decided to just blurt it out. I scrunched up my face and said really fast, “I thought maybe we might want to roll Sturgis’s house tonight.”

It hadn’t seemed so dumb when I had thought of it earlier. I assumed that for our date we would go eat and maybe talk about work—the same stuff we always did together. And while I was still feeling pumped up from my vow to be wilder and more spontaneous I’d reverted back to a ‘high school prank’ mentality. Besides Sturgis deserved a little pay back for his remarks even if they were true.

“Are you serious?” He was staring at me like I had lost my mind.

“It’s dumb. Just forget it. Your ideas were much better than mine.” I never imagined that Harm would plan such an amazing date. I was still so overwhelmed by the effort and thought he had put into it—especially since it was a last minute thing.

“What were we going to do? Dress up in black outfits and sneak over there in the dead of night?”

“I said it was dumb. Forget it, Harm.”

“Forget it? It’s brilliant!” Harm suddenly got all animated and threw my sweats at me. “You get changed and I’ll go find something to wear. Hey you know what would be great?”

“What?” I stood in the middle of his living room holding my pants and watching him race off into his bedroom. I thought what we had been doing in the elevator five minutes ago had been pretty great.

“If we had some of that black stuff to put on our faces—oh well this will be fun anyway.”

I passed him while he was digging around in a drawer on my way to his bathroom. I pulled off my wet suit and changed into my baggy sweats feeling less feminine and more undesirable by the moment. This evening was giving me whip lash but it was my own fault. I was pouting as I clumped back into the bedroom and suddenly Harm came at me with a bottle of brown shoe polish.

“It’s not black but it will do.” He was practically jumping up and down with excitement.

“Harm,” I screeched. “I am not putting shoe polish on my face.” I wrestled the bottle away from him and put it on his dresser. “We are going to roll a house—not infiltrate enemy lines.”

“You’re right. I’m getting carried away, but let me go grab some more toilet paper. We want to make sure we have plenty.” He bounded into the bathroom and came out with a twelve pack. “Just in case,” he said with a grin.

On the way out the door I still tried to change his mind about going. “We really don’t have to do this, Harm.”

“Don’t be silly, Mac. This is something you wanted to do, so I insist. Besides I still owe Sturgis from back when we were at the Academy.”

I shot one more longing look back at his bedroom then followed him out to the elevator. He didn’t grab me even once on the way down to the car and the only thing he fondled was the big package of toilet paper he was holding, but he looked as happy as a little kid on his way to Disneyland and his enthusiasm was starting to be contagious. I decided to relax and enjoy myself. I was spending time with Harm after all, and I was discovering that just watching him have a good time was an unexpected pleasure. We got back into the Lexus and started toward Sturgis’s house.

Harm insisted that we park down the block and creep stealthily up to our target. He was in mission mode and enjoying every minutes of it. Sturgis lived in a townhouse that had a small patch of grass in front and one tree, so we would be lucky if we used up even one whole roll of toilet paper but Harm had put at least six rolls into the backpack that he had slung over one shoulder.

Suddenly headlights swept across us as a car turned onto the street. I grabbed Harm and pressed him up against the nearest tree. I figured I would take advantage of the situation by plastering my body to his. “That was close,” I whispered when the car had disappeared.

“We’ll have to be more careful,” he whispered back and even though the car was gone neither of us bothered to move. We stood there molded to each other until I finally forced myself to pull away. That body contact seemed to change everything and all at once his focus changed from project ‘Sturgis’ back to me. Men were so easy. Of course I expected to hide from any passing cars but if a dog barked he dragged me into a bush and tried to get fresh. If a horn honked three blocks away he thought that was a good reason to pull me into the shadows and kiss me. Not that I minded. I only wished that Sturgis lived on a busier street.

We did eventually reach the yard and I grabbed a roll of toilet paper from the back pack and started winding it around the small bushes that lined the front of the townhouse. Harm was working on the tree, wrapping it around the trunk and draping long strands over low branches. I was so intent on my job that I didn’t notice the car that turned onto the street until Harm took me down with the flying tackle. So even though the car was long gone we were still lying in the grass while he kissed my neck, and I tried to get him to refocus on the task at hand.

“You can get off me now.” I told him.

“Are you sure you want me too?”

He just kept kissing me—he was working on my collar bone now and that little hollow at the base of my neck. I lay on my back with Harm still sprawled on top of me and gazed at the clear night sky and the bare branches of the tree above me. As a kid my favorite part of rolling a house had been to toss the toilet paper into the air and watch it unfurl as it sailed up and over the top of the tree before it came back down to earth. I sighed with contentment and wrapped my arms around Harm’s waist. I had come back down to earth with a bang after Paraguay and in the process I thought I had lost the man I loved forever, but the fates had been kind this time and decided to give us another chance.

But maybe that was too poetic.

There was absolutely nothing instant or easy about our eight year relationship. It was complicated and undeniable and deep, but when Harm disappeared from my life he took all the good stuff with him—all the stuff that hadn’t seemed like enough until it was gone. Now he was back and I might not ever get the words from him even if I lived to be a hundred, but if I was lucky I would get a man who loved me enough to bake me a cake one day and save my life the next. Suddenly that seemed like plenty.

“Harm?” He looked up when I said his name and smiled. “Let’s finish and get out of here. Rumor has it that phase four involves you and me alone in a bed.”

He got up and helped me to my feet, and then he marched over to Sturgis’s porch, threw the back pack down and said, “He can finish it himself. We’re going home, Mac.”

I still had half a roll in my hand and I threw it in the air and watched it sail over the top of the tree. Then I laughed and took off down the street knowing that Harm would be right behind me.

Epilogue

I was working at my desk in my small, smelly office, buried under piles of files that I hadn’t organized yet, when Sturgis stuck his head in my door and out of the blue asked me, “Harm do you think I’m a prig?”

“As a matter of fact I do, Sturgis.” I was grinning like an idiot.

He just shook his head and sat down in one of the chairs in front of my desk. “Well, I guess that’s what I get for asking.”

“I’ve decided to start being honest about my feelings. But don’t feel bad. If you’re nice to me I’ll bake you a cake and take you swimming.”

He looked at me like I was crazy. “Why do I think that has something to do with Mac?”

I got serious and said, “Sturgis, last night I told Mac that I love her.”

“Really? Was that before or after you rolled my house?”

“After,” I admitted with a smile.

“And what did she say?”

I leaned back in my chair and paused to relive the moment. “She said that she loves me too.”

Sturgis started laughing and got up to leave. “Tell me something I don’t know, buddy.” He paused at the door and said, “Why did you finally tell her, Harm?”

I thought about it and then shrugged. “Just because it felt good.”

The End