Title: Null and Void (1/?)

Author: manette

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: They belong to DPB and Paramount

Harm and Mac—of course—about the baby deal..

“I need your help, Mac.” Harm stuck his head into her open office door and tried to look pitiful.

“What’s new about that?” She grinned and motioned for him to sit down in a chair while she kept typing away on her keyboard.

He sat enjoying the chance to just watch her. She concentrated on her computer screen, reading over what she’d just written, and then seemingly satisfied, she turned to face him.

“So what can I do for you, Harm?” She clasped her hands in front of her on her desk and looked at him expectantly.

“Go shopping with me.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. “What are we shopping for?”

“A birthday gift for little AJ. I thought we could go halves on a present—since we’re his godparents. You haven’t gotten him anything yet, have you?”

Mac frowned at the mention of little AJ. “No—”

He stood up before she had a chance to question his intent and said, “Great. How about after work today then? I’ll even buy dinner when we’re finished.”

She seemed a little cautious. “I guess we could do that.”

“I just can’t believe he’s going to be five years old. Can you?” And with another smile and a shake of his head he left her office.

--

Mac barely had time to go home and change before he was knocking on her door, and once they’d made it to the toy store, he’d been like a kid, pulling things off the shelf, rolling trucks across the floor, yelling for her to ‘go long’ so he could toss her a football, and under other circumstances she would have enjoyed every minute of it.

But on this night she thought she might scream if Harm mentioned how old little AJ was going to be one more time. He seemed to work it into every sentence. “What do you think about this for a five year old?” “Is five too young for a motorized car?” “I think AJ is bigger than most five year olds, don’t you?”

He had reminisced about Harriet lying in the Admiral’s office, Bud being stuck in the elevator—he’d even mentioned Brumby and his experience with delivering the wrong kind of babies. The whole evening was one big trip down memory lane—except for one glaring omission.

He never once mentioned their baby deal.

She tried to keep smiling and despite her feeling of irrational loss, his enthusiasm was contagious. When he fell in love with a cherry red bicycle with training wheels, she fell in love with him all over again. Once he spotted it, nothing else would do for their godson. His face lit up even more when he found out that some assembly was required, and he convinced her that she had nothing better to do on Saturday but to spend it with him assembling.

“You know we make a great team, Mac.”

She’d always thought so.

They’d wrestled the box into the back of his Lexus and on the way to the restaurant he suddenly got serious. He told her that Mattie was going to be living with her father for the summer, and he fully expected it to turn into a permanent arrangement. It was for the best—he honestly knew that—but he was going to miss her.

Mac heard the underlying pain in his voice and reached over to touch his arm. He flashed a grateful smile in her direction, and then quickly changed the subject back – as Mac somehow knew he would—to AJ’s fifth birthday.

As they settled into a booth at Mona’s, she could almost convince herself that things were just like old times between them. They’d shared many meals together in this very spot—it was one of their regular haunts back when they spent most of their spare time together. These days, spending any time outside of work with Harm was rare, and it always set up an ache deep in her chest- a longing for the way things used to be.

It wasn’t that she’d ever really taken the baby deal all that seriously.

It had been a sweet symbol of his belief that their friendship would and could endure time and separation. It told her that when he thought of his future he saw her in it.

But she never thought they would fall into bed together the minute AJ blew out five candles on his cake. If she was completely honest with herself, she always thought that they would be married and have children of their own before it ever became an issue, and the deal would be nothing but a fond anecdote they would tell their friends.

But as the years passed and they failed to connect, it took on a new meaning for her. Now it symbolized her last true bond with Harm. It had always been out there waiting down the road—in the future—binding them together with one last promise. Now that promise was about to come and go, and she felt like she might simply drift off into space. It had been the tether that kept her earthbound—the last tie that made her somehow a part of Harm’s world.

She knew that was irrational. They had made great strides in repairing the damage that Paraguay had inflicted on them—that they’d inflicted on each other. After all, they were shopping and sharing a meal together. Anyone observing them would see the teasing and laughing and think they must still be the best of friends. They would notice how her eyes would get tangled with his sometimes before she could drag them away. And they would see how he leaned toward her when he talked as if she were the only important thing in the room.

The bond was still there—tenuous and unsure, but once the date of the baby deal passed it would have lost its last defining boundary. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe that would finally let them move on without the other.

The thought scared her more than it comforted her, and she reached across the table and grabbed his hand while he talked of helping Bud teach AJ to ride the bike. His eyes moved to their joined hands, and he turned his palm over so that hers fit perfectly into his.

She listened to him talk and held on tightly until their food was served.

“So, how’s Webb?” He asked as he dug into his pasta salad.

She was surprised by his question. He usually avoided the subject if he could. “He’s gone, as usual.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Only if we thought we could have a relationship.” She smiled derisively as her failure with yet another man reared its ugly head. This thing with Webb was messy and unsatisfying. She cared about him, and she worried about him, but there was no future with him. She glanced across the table at Harm and wondered how she could miss him more when he was right beside her than she missed Webb when he was out of town.

“Well, you’ll be too busy with me to miss him anyway.” He seemed to have read her mind.

“Is that right?”

“That’s right.” His eyes tangled with hers this time, and at last he put words to the thought that had filled her head since he’d left her office that afternoon. “We have a deal. Remember?”

Part Two

“I remember.” She told herself to breathe.

He paused and then leaned closer before saying softly, “Don’t try to back out on me now, Mac. Putting together that bicycle is not as simple as it looks. It will probably take up most of the weekend.”

If he expected a reaction she wasn’t going to give him one. She knew-- that he knew-- that she knew that he was deliberately avoiding any direct mention of the baby deal, so she wasn’t about to bring it up first, but two could play the game of double meanings and innuendo.

“Most of the weekend? Why, Harmon Rabb, that surprises me. I thought you were an efficient, no nonsense type of guy. Get in. Get the job done, and get out. I just assumed we’d be done in half an hour at the most.” She batted her eyelids in a coy, innocent display.

“I guess you don’t know me as well as you think you do. I pride myself on being thorough. And since this will be the first time I’ve done this with you we’ll need to go slow and hammer out certain—details.” His voice was deep and suggestive.

“Such as?” Her voice was low and enticing.

“Things like who should do the work and who should supervise.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

She raised her eyebrows and traced a circle on the back of his hand. “I’ll be glad to let you do all the work.”

“Oh sure,” he teased, “That’ll last about five minutes.”

“Five whole minutes? Wow, Harm. I’m impressed.”

He ignored her and said knowingly, “You’ll just be waiting for me to do something wrong so you can take control.”

Their eyes met and neither looked away.

“Do you expect me to sit quietly by when you start putting things in the wrong place?”

“I don’t expect you to be quiet, and I don’t put things in the wrong place.” His eyes were full of dark, steamy promises.

A small sigh escaped before she could stop it, and she struggled not to fall any farther under his spell. “Of course you don’t. You’ll just get all huffy and say ‘If you think you can do a better job—”

“No--I’ll just let you take over while I lean back and relax—maybe even take a nap—until you give up and figure out that you can’t finish without my help.” He was all cocky male arrogance.

“It’ll be a long nap.” She laughed at his smugness, and he smiled back.

“We’ll see.” He was still smiling, but something in his eyes dared her to argue. “Before the night is over you’ll have to admit you need me.”

There was no point in arguing. She did need him, and his teasing only served to stir up all that old familiar longing. He was the only man who could ever ease it, so she was past caring if her heart was going to get broken again. This might be her last chance at happiness, so she jumped into the void and dared him to catch her. “I think your right, Harm. Since it’s for little AJ, I better keep the whole weekend open—just in case.”

--

Saturday morning Harm managed to lug the bulky box from the back of his car and up into Mac’s elevator without much trouble. Doing this at her place had been his idea—although there was less room to work there were also fewer chances for distractions. Uninterrupted time was what they needed.

He knocked on her door and waited nervously for her to answer. He didn’t want this to matter so much. He didn’t want to feel as if his whole future depended on this little pocket of time she’d agreed to spend with him. One weekend. Two days to do what he hadn’t managed to do in eight years. He was ashamed to say he’d never made wooing Mac a priority unless you counted Paraguay. Sure he’d given up everything to go after her, but he’d never made her understand what she meant to him day to day. He never pursued her until he thought he was losing her. She’d accused him of that – only showing interest when she had one foot out the door, and he could understand why it must feel that way to her.

The problem with Mac was that she wasn’t just the woman he loved. She was also his partner, and colleague, and buddy, and one of the guys. She was so much more than just a woman he wanted to date that he tended to take her for granted at times, because she was always around in some other capacity. And he needed for her to be around. The idea of losing her completely had always been unacceptable, and so he’d let things go on as they were, afraid to risk a certain contentment for greater happiness. That was a terrible excuse even to his own ears, and it didn’t explain how he’d managed to keep his hands off of her in the years since Brumby left. His desire for her threatened to roll over him at times, and by then they both knew that there was something else between them. He hadn’t been able to call it love until she disappeared in Paraguay, and then he’d backed away from it as soon as he’d found a convenient reason. Being jealous of Webb had seemed reasonable and righteous at the time, especially after she said ‘never’. He still didn’t know how he’d survive the pain of that.

He’d been so mad at her—so hurt. And that pain hadn’t let up one bit while he’d been off flying for the CIA. He never expected to end up back at JAG. He never expected to find her back in his life. But everyday that passed he’d gotten a little less angry, and when the fog of his own misery started to clear, he’d been able to really look at her again, and what he saw was a woman who wasn’t really very happy either.

He still didn’t know everything she’d been through in Paraguay, and then she’d survived the horror of facing Sadik alone without him or Webb to watch her back. She was an amazing woman—strong and flawed and beautiful and bright. It suddenly seemed necessary for her to know how he felt about her, and he needed to tell her even if it wasn’t his place anymore. He wasn’t sure of Clayton Webb’s place in her life. Regardless of what she’d said the night before, he obviously still meant something to her.

Honor was important to Harm. He’d lived by that code his whole life, but he wasn’t going to hide behind it this time. If it was dishonorable to make her understand how he felt about her while she was seeing another man than so be it.

He didn’t know why the baby deal seemed like a last chance but it did. It had always been his once and future claim on her—something that existed beyond the ups and downs their relationship suffered. But it was about to vanish along with all of his other chances unless he did something to change that. It wasn’t about having a baby. It was about having Mac. It always had been.

She needed to know she was loved—without any strings or expectations. After all they’d been through together she deserved to have that declaration. In his heart he’d known for a long time that she loved him in some fashion. He’d known that in the past she wanted more from him than he’d been able to give. And maybe he’d waited too late for anything he said now to make any difference, but he was going to tell her how he felt anyway. He was going to tell her what he should have said in Paraguay—what he’d promised himself on the plane ride down there that he would tell her if by some miracle she was still alive—

That despite all evidence to the contrary, she was the love of his life. She was the woman that all others would be measured by until the day he died—and she deserved to know the place she held and would always hold in his heart.

And then if she walked away—if she declared the baby deal and anything else he had to offer null and void, then he would find a way to live with that. But he was tired of playing it safe where Mac was concerned.

He knocked on her door harder—impatient now for the rest of his life to begin.

Part Three

He heard a bang and a curse and then a muffled call of “Wait a minute,” before the door swung open fifteen seconds later. She looked flustered and beautiful. He felt nervous and determined.

“Hey,” she said breathlessly.

“Hey,” he answered. “Are you okay?”

“Of course. Why do you ask?”

“I heard loud noises and obscenities.”

She laughed and looked embarrassed. “It’s nothing—I just forgot that I rearranged the furniture so we’d have room to work, and I stubbed my toe on an end table.”

He glanced down at her bare feet. She was wearing a toe ring, and he found it distracting. “Wanna help me with this?” He dragged his eyes back to her face and gestured to the box.

“Sure,” she said as she grabbed one end.

They maneuvered it through the doorway and sat it down in the area she’d cleared.

“Are you hungry? I made breakfast.” She seemed a little unsure if it had been the right thing to do.

He smiled and said, “I thought something smelled good, and I’m starving.”

She looked relieved and led him into the kitchen. “Everything is ready—I've got cinnamon toast and fresh fruit—I just need to scramble the eggs. I didn’t want them to get cold.” She reached into a cabinet and grabbed a mug. “Coffee?”

“Sure, thanks.” He leaned against the counter and sipped his coffee while he watched her whisk the eggs and pour them into the pan. She hadn’t cooked often for him in the years they’d known each other and even if it was only eggs—he appreciated what the effort represented.

“What’s Mattie up to this weekend?” she asked as she glanced over at him.

“Her volleyball team is having a bonding weekend. One of those teamwork—trust building things coaches like to do these days.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“She was worried about me being all alone, but I told her I was having a trust building weekend of my own.”

Mac kept her back to him when she said, “Is that what we’re doing?”

“I think we need a chance to get our old rhythm back—without any outside distractions.”

She still wouldn’t look at him. “We’ve been doing okay.”

“Have we?” He sat his mug on the counter and moved to stand behind her. Reaching around her he turned the heat off under the eggs and moved the skillet to a back burner.

“Harm, what are you doing?” She protested as he took the spatula out of her hand and placed it in the skillet. She tried to face him, but he spun her back around so that her back was to him.

“Cross your arms over your chest and just fall backwards.” He backed several feet away from her as he gave her instructions.

“Harm, this is silly. I know you’ll catch me.” She half turned to face him as she let him know her opinion of this game.

“Do you? Then let yourself fall.” His eyes challenged her, and she could rarely refuse a challenge from him.

So quickly that he was almost caught off guard she turned and fell straight back without hesitation. She landed in his arms, and he tightened them around her as he brought her back to her feet.

When she turned to face him she moved a little closer and asked, “Are you happy now?”

He was thinking that having her in his arms was a good start.

“You know, Harm, I’ve never doubted that you would be there for me.” They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment searching for answers to questions that neither was brave enough to ask this time. She was the first to look away, but she was laughing as she issued her own challenge, “Okay, it’s your turn now.”

“Mac, I’m too heavy for you.”

“Oh, I see. So this trust thing only goes one way—not that I blame you.” She looked down and backed out of his arms. “I know you didn’t trust me not to screw things up with Mattie.”

Damn it, he should have known she would see this as some kind of competition, and this was one competition he didn’t want to win. Before she knew it he’d turned around, crossed his arms over his chest, and was falling toward her. She yelped, but managed to break his fall, just barely, and they both ended up on the floor laughing. With his head in her lap he grinned and said, “I told you I was too heavy.”

“Hey, I caught you didn’t I?” Her bright smile almost covered the wistfulness.

“You did.” He rolled over to face her. “But what are you going to do with me now that you’ve caught me?” He waggled his eyebrows, but they both knew the question held another kind of challenge.

She tried not to laugh as she playfully pushed him off her lap and got to her feet. Offering a hand to help him up she said, “I guess I’ll feed you. Do you like cold eggs?”

He let her help him up and winked. “I’ve been known to send eggs back that weren’t cold.”

“Cute, Rabb. Wash your hands, while I get the food on the table.”

“Yes ma’am.” He washed his hands in the sink while she bustled around him in the kitchen, and something that could pass for hope settled in his chest.

--

“That doesn’t go there, Harm. Wait until I finish reading the instructions.” Mac slapped his hand as he tried to reach across her for one of the many bicycle parts spread out in front of them. They were sitting cross legged on the floor side by side, and he was not cooperating.

“Mac, it’s my duty as a man to assemble this bicycle relying only on my common sense, keen instincts—and if that fails brute force. Don’t confuse me with that ‘part A goes into part B’ stuff.”

“Okay, knock yourself out. I’ll just sit here and relax until you’re through messing around.” Mac leaned back on her hands content to watch him. He was completely caught up in the task at hand, so she could openly stare if she wanted. She was in no hurry for him to finish. Having him close—having this weekend with him was a gift she was going to savor.

She didn’t know exactly what had come over him—why he suddenly seemed so pushy about spending time with her—and he had been uncharacteristically pushy. She was smart enough to realize it had something to do with the baby deal. The timing of his interest made that obvious. She knew how he felt about keeping his promises, but she wouldn’t hold him to this one. Then again, maybe this was just his way of letting her down easy—of softening the blow when he told her that he thought it was a bad idea. Since he’d had Mattie he probably realized that children were too precious to be the result of five year old bargains.

Regardless of his intent, she allowed herself the small hope that if nothing else, this weekend would be a new start for them. What was it he’d said? A chance to get their rhythm back. Since Paraguay her life had been all out of sync—chaotic and without focus, and whenever she tried to make sense of things it somehow always came back to the fact that Harm barely fit into her life anymore.

“Mac, could you hand me that thing-a-ma-jig by my foot?” He was holding two parts together and nudged her with his elbow to get her attention.

She had to lean across him to reach it, and after she grabbed it he instructed her, “See if it will fit between these two parts I’m holding.”

She crowded against his side to do as he asked and the air around her was immediately charged with a heightened awareness. She held things while he tightened bolts, and it seemed his fingers brushed against hers at every opportunity. She deliberately sprawled across his thighs to reach a needed part, and shamelessly allowed the contact to linger unnecessarily. He crouched close behind her surrounding her with his arms, his warm breath sending shivers down her neck while they worked together to attach the wheels. She held the bike steady while he inserted the handlebars into the gooseneck, and when he paused in the middle of attaching the seat to smile at her for no particular reason, she resisted a powerful desire to tackle him, and instead simply smiled back.

In less than an hour they were standing in her living room looking at a cherry red bicycle complete with training wheels.

“We did it, Harm.” Mac relaxed back against him while they viewed their handiwork.

He wrapped a friendly arm around her and said, “I told you we didn’t need instructions. Maybe next time you will have a little more faith in me.”

“I’m sorry, Harm, I should never have doubted you—hey what are those things behind your foot?”

“Where?” he asked innocently. With the toe of his shoe he tried to shove them behind him so they were out of sight.

Mac moved him out of the way and bent over to pick up the three pieces he’d been hoping she wouldn’t notice. “I think we forgot something, Harm.” She waggled them in front of his face and then grabbed the bicycle instruction manual from the floor.

“They don’t look like anything important to me, Mac.” He was examining one of them carefully. “I bet they’re optional.”

“We’re not leaving parts off of AJ’s bike.” Mac was busy reading through the book and said informatively, “That’s a part G, that’s a part E and that one is either a P or a T—I can’t tell from looking at this diagram.”

He tried to read over her shoulder and when she glanced back at him he leaned over and kissed her. It was a short kiss—a mere brushing of his lips across hers, but when she turned slightly to face him, it was all the encouragement he needed to deepen the kiss.

Starving people at an unexpected feast have shown more decorum. They kissed as if there wasn’t enough to go around. Finesse and manners went out the window as his hungry mouth fed on hers for a taste of what was his. She clutched and bit and grasped and licked, greedily taking what she wanted for her own. He lifted her up as they fought to see who could get more of the other. The instruction manual drifted to the floor as she wrapped her arms around his neck and wound her legs around his waist.

She tried to pull away once just long enough to let him know that she wasn’t going to forget about the extra parts. “We still have to redo the bike, Harm.”

“Later, Mac. We’ll do it later.” His mouth reclaimed hers in an all out attack, and she held on as he stumbled over to the couch. He buried her beneath his hot, hard body, the weight of him pressing her into the cushions, and she knew that nothing would ever be the same.

She thought she would lose her mind when he started kissing her again, this time more gently, this time as if he was never going to let her go. “Mac,” he murmured her name between kisses and the sound of her name on his lips was filled with grace. His soft, hushed voice seeped into her pores, and she forgot what it was like to exist without his touch.

Her hands unbuttoned his shirt, moving underneath, finally finding his bare skin. Groaning at the contact he pushed himself up, and in a ragged, apologetic voice he whispered, “No—wait. I’m sorry, but we need to stop.”

She didn’t want to hear that. She couldn’t survive if he didn’t want her now, so she pulled him back down, and tried to persuade him with hot, shameless kisses that stopping was simply impossible.

But she was no match for his determination. Wrenching himself away, he loomed above her and forced her to meet his eye. “Mac, I need to tell you something first.”

“Harm, we always get in trouble when we talk.” She tried to smile, to treat it as a joke, but inside she was dying. “Is it about the baby deal?”

He pulled her into a sitting position beside him and gently smoothed her hair with the palm of his hand. “Partly—just listen while I try to explain—”

A loud knock on the door interrupted him before he could continue. Mac grabbed his hand and said, “Go on, Harm. I’ll just ignore it, and they’ll go away.”

He glanced at the door and back at her, as the knocking got louder and more persistent. “You should see who it is.”

“We always get interrupted,” she sighed. “I’ll get rid of them and be right back.”

“Okay,” he smiled encouragingly and pushed her off the couch in the direction of the door.

When she opened the door an impatient Clayton Webb was standing on the other side. “Sarah—what took you so long?” He reached for her, but his arms dropped to his side when he saw Harm sitting on her couch buttoning his shirt.

Part Four

“I guess I should have called first,” Webb said in an affronted tone.

“Why start now?” Mac asked not trying to hide her irritation. “Are you on your way in or out of town?”

He pushed his way inside “I just got home, and I really need to talk to you.” He looked pointedly at Harm and then back at Mac.

“I’m busy. Now is not a good time.” She tried to steer him back toward the door, but Harm interrupted.

“That’s okay, Mac. I’ll go.” He stood up and tucked in his shirt.

“See, Sarah,” Webb said brashly, “It’s the perfect time.”

“No, Harm. I don’t want you to go.” Now she was getting mad.

“I think you two need some privacy,” he insisted as he brushed past Webb to grab his jacket off the back of a dining room chair.

“Being honorable again, Rabb? That’s what you do, isn’t it?” Clay’s voice was filled with resentment.

Harm stopped in mid-stride, and she could see that he wanted to respond. Instead he turned to her and said, “I won’t be gone long, Mac. I’ll just run over to the market and pick up a few things. Since you cooked breakfast, the least I can do is make dinner.”

“You don’t have to go,” she repeated quietly.

If his smile was meant to reassure her it didn’t, but he said, “Yes I do, but I’ll be back in about twenty minutes.”

Her eyes pleaded with him to stay even as he walked out the door. The air in the apartment suddenly felt too close, and she turned to face Webb with determination. “I want you to leave, too.”

“So, you cooked breakfast for him.” He said it without emotion.

She ignored his implication and said, “I don’t want to do this again, Clay.” It had been weeks since they’d declared their relationship a failure, and they’d rehashed it all a few more times whenever he showed up on her doorstep unannounced. She’d hoped they might remain friends, but it was becoming clear that wasn’t going to happen. “We both agreed that it’s not working.”

“And now I understand why. How long have you been sleeping with Rabb?”

Mac faced Clay and said simply, “You need to go.”

“Because of him?” He sounded bitter.

“Don’t try to make this about Harm. We had plenty of problems without dragging him into it.” She turned to walk away, but he grabbed her arm.

“He’ll break your heart, Mac.” A note of contempt crept into his voice.

“He has before,” she agreed. “But you knew that—in fact you were counting on it when you made your move down in Paraguay, weren’t you, Clay?” She shrugged out of his grasp and put some distance between them.

“I saw a chance and I took it.” He went to the front door and opened it. “Don’t expect me to apologize for doing something Harm couldn’t manage to do in all the years you’ve known him.”

As he was leaving she said, “That’s pretty cold considering he managed to give up everything just to save our lives.”

He stopped and looked back at her sadly. “Harm, the hero. Who can compete with that?”

--

He was an idiot for leaving.

Walking up and down the aisle in the grocery store, throwing things haphazardly into his basket, Harm could only hope that he’d done the right thing. When he realized who was standing at her door his first instinct had been to get out of there. All he could remember was how Mac had rushed to Clay’s side in Paraguay even though moments before she’d been inches away from kissing him. But tonight she hadn’t been happy to see Webb, so he probably should have just stayed on her couch while she got rid of him.

But he didn’t want her unfinished business with another man to be sitting in the room with them like some big, pink elephant for the rest of the weekend. So, he’d decided to excuse himself and hope for the best.

Kissing her had been a bad idea, but working right beside her all afternoon had clouded his judgment. He didn’t want any cloudiness between them when he told her how he felt, so dragging her to the couch and ravaging her had probably been a bad idea, too. But she’d felt so willing in his arms. God, she’d felt so good. He had been tempted to take her right there and worry about the consequences later, but he’d come too far and lost too much of himself along the way to do something that foolish.

He knew that leaving her alone with Webb had been a risk, but it was one he needed to take. Webb would try to convince her to give him another chance, and maybe she would listen. Maybe he would get back to her apartment and find a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door.

But then again, there was always the chance that Webb would be gone, and she would be waiting eagerly for him to return. He hurried to the check out line. It was time to find out if she would welcome him back with open arms, or slam the door in his face.

--

Harm, the hero.

That phrase was so dismissive of the complete man, yet she’d been guilty of thinking of him in those terms at times too. Sitting on the floor Mac started taking the bicycle apart. Pieces were flying everywhere as her agitation grew. She knew she slapped that label on Harm whenever she felt vulnerable, and then she could pretend that he was invincible, that he didn’t hurt, that he didn’t need anyone—and that was what she’d done in Paraguay.

She knew better than most people how fragile he could be—he’d let her see that side of him in Russia, and even when Bud was hurt, and she’d felt special and honored that he could let those walls down around her.

But now she had a sinking feeling that she’d been so busy seeing Harm, the hero in Paraguay that she’d overlooked Harm, the man. Was it possible that the mission had been absolutely personal for him? That he really had done it just to save her? She’d never allowed herself to believe that before.

She was always afraid that he would find her love cumbersome—so much excess baggage that would eventually bog their friendship down. Just like this baby deal. It had never been simply about having a baby for her. She wanted Harm, but she was afraid if he realized that he would run for the hills. So she tried to hide her feelings behind smart remarks and good natured insults. It never occurred to her that he might have times when he needed to know how she really felt—that he needed to know that someone cared about him, and worried about him—and would be willing to die for him.

She’d proven that once in Russia, and his walls had tumbled down, at least for a little while.

Wasn’t that what he’d proven to her in Paraguay? And yet her walls had grown higher and thicker and remained stubbornly unassailable. Maybe it was time for her to quit hiding. If he came back, and she wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t, she was going to tell him a few things that he deserved to know—

That despite what she’d said in Paraguay, she would never love another man the way she loved him—that he was kind and smart and funny, and he was loyal and honorable and true. And that all other men suffered in comparison—and as long as she lived no one would ever replace him in her heart.

She would probably scare him away for good, but it was past time for him to know the truth. She picked up a bicycle wheel, hugged it to her chest, and listened anxiously for his knock on the door.

Part Five

He said he’d be back in twenty minutes. She paced around the room still clutching the bicycle wheel to her chest, and counted off the time as it passed. At nineteen minutes she began to feel anxious. At twenty four, she’d decided he wasn’t going to return at all, and when the knock came at twenty five minutes and forty two seconds she dropped the wheel and threw open the door before he could knock more than once.

“You came back,” she breathed with relief.

“I’m back,” he said at almost the same time.

Her eyes widened as she exclaimed, “Harm, you’re soaking wet!”

“It’s raining,” he said with a shrug.

She grabbed his arm and pulled him inside. “What did you do? Walk to the store?”

He was dripping and clutching two soggy grocery sacks to his chest. She tried to take the bags away from him, but he just held on tighter. “I got finished at the store too early, and it hadn’t been twenty minutes yet, and I didn’t want to come back too soon if you were still talking to Webb—”

While he was babbling she finally managed to pry the groceries away from him and set them on the floor.

“But then part of me wanted to come back anyway, I mean I started thinking he might get mad about finding me here and take it out on you, and I didn’t want you to think I was running away—”

She peeled him out of his jacket and then she pushed him toward her bedroom.

“So I sat in my car for awhile and then I thought, to hell with it, and I got out of the car and started to come in, but then I changed my mind and thought I better wait—”

He was still talking when she started unbuttoning his shirt.

“But when I tried to get back in my car, I realized I’d locked my keys inside, so I just stood there and waited till twenty minutes went by—”

When she started undoing his jeans, he came out of his daze and grabbed her hands. “What are you doing, Mac?”

“I’m getting you out of these wet clothes. What do you think I’m doing?”

That answer must have satisfied him because he stood still as she unzipped his pants and pushed them down his legs. “I mean I know I shouldn’t have made that remark about you cooking breakfast for me—”

By this time he was standing in his boxer shorts with his jeans bunched around his ankles. She pushed gently on his chest, and he fell back and sat down on her bed.

“But I let Webb get to me with that crack about how I always did the honorable thing, and you know me and my mouth, especially when it comes to your boyfriends, Mac—”

She was kneeling in front of him, pulling his shoes and socks off so she could get his jeans the rest of the way off when he leaned over and pulled her to stand in front of him. “You might as well know that my intentions for this weekend were anything but honorable.” He looked like a little boy who’d just confessed to breaking a window with his BB gun. “I’m such a jerk.”

She ran her hands through his wet hair and rivers of water ran down his neck and onto his chest. She was tempted to follow their journey with her tongue, but came to her senses just in time and pushed herself away. “Let me go grab a towel.”

When she came back, he’d kicked his jeans away and was waiting patiently on the side of the bed. She ignored the picture he made, all bare skin and muscles, and tried to remain businesslike. She moved to stand between his legs and briskly rubbed his hair with the towel. “You’re the best man I know, Harmon Rabb.”

“Don’t say that, Mac. I’m not.”

“Okay, what awful, dishonorable thing were you going to do?” She stopped drying his hair and looped the towel around his neck.

“I was going to try and seduce you.” His voice was a low, rough whisper.

“That is a lousy.” Her smile hid the way her heart was suddenly slamming in her chest, and her fingers involuntarily traced a gentle path along his collarbone. She couldn’t pretend to be completely surprised. He’d been flirting outrageously since they went shopping together, and they weren’t exactly discussing the weather when Webb interrupted them. Just like all the times before when they’d hovered on the brink of something more, they could have easily fallen back into that pattern of denial that had served them for so long, but it seemed that Harm was determined to talk about it, so she asked simply, “What’s wrong with that?”

“Everything.” He said it with such disgust and conviction that it felt like a slap in the face. “My pride couldn’t take the idea that you really didn’t need me—for the baby deal, or anything else for that matter. So I set out to make you want me. I wanted to show you what you were giving up when you said there was no ‘us’, and I wanted to make sure you would regret it. And I wasn’t above using my promise about the baby deal to get what I wanted. But you deserve better, Mac. I mean having a baby should be about love, right?”

She nodded, not trusting herself to talk, but finally managed to say, “You’re right. It should be about love.” She was appalled when her voice broke, and she quickly pulled away from him and walked over to her dresser. She opened the bottom drawer and rummaged around until she found a pair of large sweat pants. She straightened and tossed them to him and without looking his way said, “Put those on while I go put up the groceries.”

She practically ran from the room, ignoring him when he called after her. She picked up the mangled bags from the living room floor and took them into the kitchen. Her mind was racing as she started taking things out and setting them on the counter. Once again noble Harm had saved the day. With brutal honesty, he’d reminded her that seductions and baby deals were better left to couples who actually loved each other, and he was absolutely right. But that didn’t change the fact that she felt cheated and miserable and alone.

She took out a head of cabbage and put it next to a box of Chocolate puff cereal. Then she pulled out a can of chili, a can of green lima beans, a bag of cotton balls, three candy bars and several cans of dog food. Looking at the strange assortment she was afraid to imagine what he’d planned to cook for dinner. She felt him hovering behind her even before she turned around. He was standing in the doorway—he had a way of standing in doorways that always made her knees weak. He was still bare-chested, wearing only the sweats she’d given him, and he was watching her with a quiet intensity that unnerved her.

“Mac, I’m sorry—”

A small suspicion was building in her mind as she interrupted him to ask, “Did you get a dog?”

He looked at her like she was crazy. “No, why would you think that?”

“Maybe because you bought four cans of dog food.” She held one up for him to see.

He pushed himself away from the doorway and walked over to stand beside her. He surveyed the items spread out on the counter, and he seemed embarrassed when he admitted, “I guess I wasn’t really paying attention to what I bought. I kept thinking how dumb I was to leave you with Webb in the first place, and I just grabbed some things so I could get back over here. Sorry.”

And hero Harm turned into Harm the man right before her eyes.

Suddenly all the pieces fell into place and it seemed as clear as the can of dog food on her counter that he was in love with her. This ordinary, extraordinary man loved her. He’d always been rational, contained, and so practical when it came to their relationship that she wanted to kill him half the time, but in the past few hours, he’d bought cotton balls for dinner and stood in a pouring rain storm, killing time until he could come back up to her apartment. Those weren’t the acts of a man who was only interested in seduction regardless of what he'd told her. Those weren’t the acts of a cock-sure, ego driven man out to assuage his wounded pride. Those were the acts of a man in love—and of a man that wasn’t sure that he was loved in return.

She was swamped with tenderness for him and turned to rub her hand down his arm. “I guess we’ll just have to have dinner delivered, then.”

“You still want me to stay?” He sounded surprised.

She moved closer to him, and her smile held a challenge. “You’re not going anywhere until you help me put that bicycle back together.”

“I just noticed you’d demolished the whole thing.” He was still looking uncertain, but her smile must have given him courage because he pulled her into his arms just the same.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on his chest. “I guess I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing. I just felt dumb for letting you leave, and I was so worried that you wouldn’t come back, and before I knew it I’d taken it completely apart.”

“You were worried I wouldn’t come back?” He sounded hopeful and pulled back enough to look in her eyes.

“I was petrified that you wouldn’t.” Her eyes locked with his and all of her honest emotions were there for him to see.

“Why?”

It was a simple question, and for the first time in their eight year history she realized that her answer had the power to break his heart.

“Because I don’t go halves on bicycles or babies with men I don’t love, and I was afraid you didn’t feel the same. I love you, Harm, and I’m tired of trying to get by without you in my life.”

His reaction was immediate and unmistakable. “I love you too, Mac.”

He wrapped her in his arms and found her mouth with his. It was a kiss that held nothing back yet contained everything gentle. It started as an expression of love and long buried desire and grew into a kiss that could only end in bed—or on the kitchen floor—or up against the nearest wall—

Hours later while they were taking turns feeding each other Cocoa Puffs in bed she reminded him. “We still have to fix little AJ’s bike.”

His hand began exploring the inside of her thigh, and she giggled and yelped, managing to spill milk all across his chest. He growled as she licked him clean, then took the bowl from her and sat it on the night stand. He rolled her beneath him and framed her face with his hands. “We’ll fix it, but we’re going to do it right this time.”

“Does this mean you’re going to actually read the instructions?” She ran her hands down his smooth naked back wallowing in the weight of him.

He laughed and said, “Let’s not get carried away, but I’ll listen if you tell me I’m doing something wrong.” He moved against her suggestively, and he seemed to be doing everything right.

“Harm, would you mind if we called the baby deal off?” she asked as he nibbled on her throat.

He lifted up to look at her. “You don’t want to have my baby?”

“What I want is to have more time like this for you and me, and then someday—if you’re still willing I’d like to have all of your babies.”

She thought his eyes looked suspiciously wet when he asked, “Is that a promise?”

“One that’s good for a lifetime.” She offered her heart to the only man she’d ever loved.

He accepted and whispered as he held her close, “Then we’ve got a deal.”

And it never entered their heads to seal it with a handshake.

The End