Title: Because of you
Disclaimers: You know how this works. They’re not mine, nor will they ever be (sadly)
AN’s: This story takes place somewhere in the last season, before the 4% solution. This story is more about Mac and how she feels and deals with what happened to her lately, than about where the 500lb Gorilla took our favourite couple. I need to clarify a few things beforehand:
I thought long about posting this story. It contains a lot of my personal experience and I started to write it as something therapeutic for me and then it somehow gained it’s own will and devellopped more into a fanfic than I intended and afterwards I found it might be worth posting. My father was an alcoholic and although he rarely abused me physically the emotional damage he inflicted is still present. When I was younger I found it hard to deal with it until I met my boyfriend, who really supports me even when I have bad times, which includes finding myself utterly worthless.
It’s been five years since I have seen my father and I manage to live with what he did to me. Just sometimes, it all surfaces, and to be honest this can be frustrating. When I heard the song “Because of you” by Kelly Clarkson it really threw me out of balance and that made me angry. Five years of working on me and one song can undo me, so when I came home I had to write about it.
I had this story finished before the april challenge came up and as you’ll notice I used the lines, but I’m not sure if it qualifies as a response to the challenge. English isn’t my first language so please forgive me for mistakes in language and grammar. I do have a great beta reader but I decided that I don’t want this story to being betaed, it is too personal for that. Anyway, I hope you can enjoy the story at least a bit.
*Because of you*
I’m sitting in my office and I really should be reading this file. I need a defense for my client but today my mind seems not to be cooperating with me. Well, not only today. Ever since Paraguay, I feel like I’m not myself anymore. My life is like a vicious circle and I’m unable to escape. Everything from my past comes back hunting me. Well, I guess I should be used to it by now. Every time I think I’ve put the pieces of my life together, someone comes along and jumbles them all up… I feel I’ve got a big whole where my heart used to be.
Come on, suck it up, Marine, you got work to do!
Great, now I’m already scolding myself, perhaps I really *do* need more lessons with Dr. McCool.
I was finally capable to come up with a defense strategy, but it was exhausting. I really need to go home and take a hot bath. Actually, I would prefer a drink, but I’m not going down that road again. I worked to hard to get where I’m now. I just need to remind myself of that quite often lately. Paraguay brought the violence back in my life and that is already enough.
I made it down to my corvette and I turn on the radio, something to occupy my mind with.
“This is the quiet storm on WFM, I’m Larry, and the next song is the new one from Kelly Clarkson *Because of you*”
I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I’m afraid
I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot try
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I’m afraid
Because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you I try my hardest to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I’m afraid
Because of you
I didn’t realise that I was crying until my lips started to taste salty. I’m trembling. This was just a stupid song, why is it affecting me so much? Okay, I do know the answer, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I’m so tired. I don’t think I can fight those demons all over again. Not alone. But I’m alone. No one will help me. I’m useless. I’m an alcoholic. All I manage is to hurt those or better *the one* I truly love. The only one that has been capable to break down my defenses . But I have been shutting him out, driving him away. It’s just, I don’t know why I did it. I mean, I wanted nothing more back there in Paraguay than to work on an *us*, but somehow I heard myself saying things which brought us to the opposite. I told him never, although all I truly wished for was forever. I should stop thinking that my life is like a fairy tale. There will never be an happily-ever-after for me, NEVER.
I’m sitting in my car for almost an hour now, luckily the guard didn’t notice…yet. I guess I should try to make a safe trip home. I turn on the ignition. I stop a the red traffic lights, I take turns, but somehow it feels so … unreal. I park, turn off the ignition and get out.
What the hell??
I’m not in front of *my* appartement, I mean, I do recognize where I am, but how…
Okay, nothing happened I can get back into my car and drive home without *him* ever knowing that I was here.
“Mac? MAC?”
Well, it would have been too good to be true.
“Hi”
Was that *my* voice? Am I sobbing?
What is he going to think of me? I need to get a grip soon, or this is going to be a huge disaster.
“Mac, Sarah, is everything..no, of course not. Come here”
I don’t want to, but I find myself in his arms. It feels so good. I feel safe.
That’s it. I can’t take it anymore. My sobbing grows uncontrollably and I’m unable to care any longer that he’s going to see me so weak. There is only so much a person can take and I had already way too much.
“Ssschh, Mac, it’s okay. You’re safe.”
His presence has always had something comforting.
“Come on, let’s get you inside”
I nod. He almost has to carry me. I hate to be so emotional but I surpressed it too long. Now that it has started to surface, I don’t think I can stop it soon. That is what I dreaded most. I can’t control it, I never could.
I don’t know how long we’ve been in his appartement. My internal clock has gone haywire. He never let me go, not for one second. He’s still rocking me like a child. It’s not the first time that I wonder how he sometimes knows exactly what I need and then sometimes he couldn’t be father from the truth.
Slowly, I feel myself calming, and I can tell that he’s noticing it too. I’m at a loss as to what to do now. I feel so ashamed of myself. Where’s the gung-ho Marine gone?
He stops rocking me. For what seemed like eternity to me, we were just looking in each others eyes, totally lost in each other. But I know that eventually one of us has to broach the subjekt of what happened. I just don’t know if I can do it.
“You feeling any better?”
“Yeah, thank you, I just…I’m sorry….I..”
“Don’t, don’t apologize. I’m glad you came to me when you needed someone to hold onto.”
“Me too.”
“What about a hot chocolate? It always makes me feel better.”
I need to smile. Harmon Rabb and hot chocolate.
“A hot chocolate would be wonderful. Thank you, Harm, for…everything…”
“You’re welcome”
He returns after a few minutes with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate and a package of m&m’s. I only realise on second sight that there are only blue ones.
“Harm?” I ask accusingly.
He blushes.
“That’s something I adapted from Mattie. She told me that the blue m&m’s hold special significance, especially when you’re sad, lonely…”
“I didn’t know that, but I’m willingly to try everything at the moment.”
“Mac, I don’t want to push you and if you don’t want to talk about it, than that’s okay, but...would you like to tell me what happened…I mean…”
“I’m sorry, I … not right now, ok?”
“I’m here, whenever you’re ready to talk, Mac.”
“Thank you, Harm, that really means a lot to me.”
“Just…Mac, I need to know, that no one, I mean, you weren’t…”
“No, no, Harm, it was nothing like that. Just something…emotional.”
I can see the relief fill his eyes but it doesn’t last long and the concern is back. Poor Harm, but I just can’t talk about it. Not to him or anyone. It’s bad enough as it is now.
“Harm, I’m tired.”
“Okay, then, I get you a pillow and blanket.”
“Harm…”
“Don’t even try it, Marine. You’re staying here, end of discussion.”
“Harm, I…”
“Objection overruled, counselor.”
“Ok, ok, just…one thing…I mean, I know I’m asking much, but…would you, would you hold me tonight?”
“Anything you want, Ninja-girl.”
My heart skips a beat at that response. Wow, he hasn’t used that nickname very often lately, just perhaps…
We settle on the couch and I snuggle closer to him. His arms around me give me a sense of security I haven’t had in a long, long time.
I’m freezing. Where am I? What? This can’t be true, tell me…
“No, please stop!”
“Let me go, let me go.”
“Dad, please, I promise I’ll be better, noooooo!”
I fell him shaking me, yanking at my arm. I feel the bones breaking, the sensation of the sudden pain. Why is this happening to me?
“Mac, Mac, wake up, come on, Marine, wake up!”
I hear another voice, it seems so far away. Suddenly the images start to blur away, *his* voice is becoming stronger, clearer to hear.
“Mac, it’s just a dream…MAC!”
I open my eyes and look into those deep blue eyes. How I wish I could get lost in them. I realise within an instant, that I had a nightmare, again, about my childhood. That’s one reason why I turned to alcohol, to tune out those horrible nightmares.
“You’re with my now, Tiger?”
“Yes…I’m sorry, I...”
“Mac, I was really worried about you, you kept screaming and you tried to get away from me….”
This is all to much to bear. I need to compose myself before I can face him. Without a word I get up and head to the bathroom, I lock the door behind me. I just need to be on my own for a while. I turn on the cold water and splash it on my face. Then I hold my wrists under it, on the spot where I can feel the pulse. The cold water makes it even easier to feel, the cold causing another sense of still being alive, still able to feel it. I need that. I did that often, when I was younger. I hear his footsteps.
“Mac, are you ok? You still in there?”
I don’t want to talk to him, nor face him.
“Mac?? Come one, just give me a sign that you’re alright!”
I can’t. I’m not ready.
“Mac?”
“MAC?”
He’s trying the door handle. I know that sooner or later I have to face him, but I just…
“Mac, please, open that door. Or speak to me. I need to know that you’re ok.”
Perhaps this is just another dream and if I try hard enough, I can wake up…
“Mac, open the door or I need to come in.”
My wrists start to hurt. I can’t feel my fingers anymore. I look in the mirror and I’m disgusted by what I see. My eyes red and swollen from crying. I get so lost in my mirror image that I don’t hear Harm breaking through the door until I see his face in the mirror.
“Oh my god!”
I stand there, mesmerized. I watch him turn off the water. He wraps my hands in a fluffy towel and guides me to the living room. I’m still crying. I just can’t help myself. He puts a blanket around my shoulders and holds me close.
“Mac, please, please, talk to me!”
I manage to look at him. I shake my head. I don’t want to talk.
“Mac, either you talk to me or I’m going to call a medic!”
“no”
My voice sounds so weak. Is that who I really am? Was the strong marine just a façade? Who am I really?
“Mac, I can’t ignore this. You almost hurt yourself.”
I advert my eyes and look at my hands. The feeling slowly returns. My wrists are red and burn.
“i…just…i needed to feel alive, you know?”
“Oh Mac – Sarah- but…”
“No, please, don’t call me that…*he* always did it, please don’t.”
“Ok, ok, anything you want, Mac. I’m just glad you’re back with me now.”
I nod. I know that it is inevitable that we talk about what happened. There’s no way he’s going to let it go now.
“Mac…we *need* to talk…about…”
“I know.”
“Ok, so … what happened tonight?”
“I…well, I had a nightmare…about my childhood…one of those times when my father was abusive…well, and when you woke me, it was just, it felt so real, I needed to be on my own for a while…and I just wanted to refresh myself a little and then…well, it got out of hand. Thanks for coming to my aid.”
“And what transpired before you came to me?”
“Harm…do we have to do this now?”
“You can’t…”
“Don’t tell me what I can and what I can’t, Harm, you have absolutely no idea…!”
“Well, then clue me in! This wasn’t some little episode that got out of hand, Mac. You could have really hurt yourself and I’m not going to ignore it!”
“Can we talk about it tomorrow? I promise I’m going to answer your questions, I just can’t deal with it tonight. Please??”
“Deal, but we’re going to talk about it.”
“Deal.”
I know that I’m not going to get anymore sleep tonight, but it’s better than to have to talk to him now. I can think about what I’m going to tell him. Perhaps he’s right, perhaps I need to finally talk to someone about it. Thank god, that today was Friday, I don’t know how on earth I would have managed to get to work tomorrow. Fortunately, I won’t have to find out. The General sure has hell wouldn’t have been pleased with my appearance. The last thing I need, is to give the Corps a bad name.
Somehow I must have fallen asleep though. The smell of coffee is wakening my senses.
“Time to rise and shine, sleepy-head.”
“Morning.”
“Here, I made some extra-strong-marine-coffee for you.”
“Thanks.”
I can see that he’s anxious, but he tries his best not to push me. Well, better get it over with.
“Harm, about yesterday...”
I can hear myself telling him about the song. How it affected me and why. I told him about my childhood, things I never told anyone before. I felt I needed to, to make him understand. I even told him how I ended up in front of his appartement. While I was trying to put my memories and feelings into words, I realised that it felt good to talk about it, like a weight was finally lifted from my shoulders. Harm just sat there, listening. He never took his eyes from me, nor removed he his hand that was carressing mine. When I felt that there was nothing more to say, I fell silent, waiting for a reaction. I’m not sure what I’m expecting of him. I really don’t know. Suddenly, I feel myself being pulled in an embrance.
“Oh Mac, I had no idea…”
“It’s okay, Harm, most of the time. You somehow learn to live with it. From day to day. At first you think it’s never going to get easier and then sometime you realise that you’re not thinking about it as often as you used to and then eventually you stop thinking about it until, well, until something comes along and brings it all back. It happened over the years, a case, a scene on tv or something but aslong as it was only one thing I was always able to cope with it but…the last year has been especially rough and then when I heard that song…the lyrics were just to accurate to ignore or to pretend that my case was totally different. It was simply to much to cope with … even after all those years.”
“Mac, I’m glad you felt comfortable enough with our friendship to come to me *and* to stay and talk to me about it. It means a lot to me.”
“Harm…I need to, uhm, to tell you one more thing…”
“I’m listening.”
“It’s not easy for me. So please hear me out, ok?”
“Ok.”
“Good, back there in Paraguay, I made a huge mistake. Please, let me explain, when you came to rescue me, I was so relieved and then all my fears broke loose. Until you came, I had to keep myself together, Clay was being tortured and I was the only one who could possibly come up with a plan to escape, but, well, you came and rescued me and I couldn’t hold my feelings back any longer. I was so scared and that scared me, I mean, I know that doesn’ t make much sense, but I was a Marine, I had to be able to handle such situations and I wasn’t, that scared me and made me angry…”
“And you couldn’t let anyone see that you were scared so you showed your anger…”
“Yeah, I’m so sorry…I just didn’t realise what I was doing until I told you ‘never’ and something inside me told me that I was an idiot for saying the opposite of what I truly wanted.”
It does take him a few moments to register what I just told him. When the realisation hits him, he breaks into a huge smile.
“And what do you want now?”
“A chance at happiness.”
As in slow motion I see him moving closer to me until our lips are just mere inches apart. He brushes his thumb tenderly across my cheek, causing me goose bumps. We move even closer and his hand tangles with my hair as is mine with his. I didn’t made a concious move towards him but our lips connect. His lips are so soft on mine, it never felt this good before. We kiss tenderly until his tongue demands entrance to my mouth and I willingly oblige. I feel like I’m floating. Our tongues move in perfect synch as if we never did anything else than kiss each other. The kiss grows more and more demanding. I can’t seem to get enough of him. My sense of timing left me the second our lips met and after what seems like eternity to me, we break apart, the pure need for oxygen forcing us to do so.
“Harm.”
“Mac.”
We kiss again and again. Like two hormonal teenagers, but, well, it took us long enough to get here, we might as well enjoy it *and* make up for lost oppurtunities.
Eventually, we break apart again and he rests his forehead against mine. I should be ecstatic, I’m exactly where I wanted to be all along, it almost seems to good to be true and there might as well be the problem.
“I can’t do this…”
I whisper and get up, running to the door. I need to get out of here, away from him.
Just when I’m about to reach the door handle, he grabs me around the waist, turning me around, pressing me against the door with his weight.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you running away Mac? I thought you wanted this as much as me…”
What disturbs me the most is that he’s not angry, I learned to cope with angry men, but it’s almost as if he’s going to cry any moment. Can’t he see that I’m no good for him?
“Harm, I do want this but…but you deserve someone better than me, than an recovering alcoholic with endeometritis. Harm, I can’t give you what you deserve. Please, let me go.”
“Mac, don’t, don’t make me let you go. Without you, I’m nothing. I learned that while I was with the CIA, I tried to build a life without you in it, but it doesn’t work, I’m unhappy without you. You complete me, you’re my soulmate. Please, don’t leave me.”
By now, we’re both crying.
“Harm…I…it’s not going to be easy with me…”
“Mac, I don’t care how difficult it’ll be aslong as we’re in it together. I know that you need time to heal, so do I. I have as many issues as you but together we can cope with anything that fate throws at us, Mac.”
“Oh Harm!”
I feel the tears running down my cheeks and the happiness finally consuming me.
The rest of the day we spent cuddling on the sofa and we did a lot of wonderful kissing. Somehow we mutually agreed not to take it further at the moment although neither one of us voiced it. It just feels right as it is…for now.
My stomach growled at dinner time, well, I just can’t live out of love and air alone. So we got up from the sofa, I just turned in time to see Harm whince in pain.
“Harm? You ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“So why did you whince?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Well, nothing usually doesn’t cause pain.”
“Mac, please, it’s going to be ok.”
“So, you agree that there’s something not ok at the moment?”
Got you there, navy.
“It’s nothing to worry about, I’m used to it.”
“So that does make it better? Harm, you promised we would tackle everything together from now on and you never broke a promise before…”
I’m unable to hide my disappointment.
“Mac, it’s just that sleeping on the sofa and cuddling with you for the last hours as much as I enjoyed it and wouldn’t change it for the world, wasn’t too good for my back. But I’ll live, so please, don’t worry.”
“Oh Harm, I’m sorry, I totally forgot, I’m so sorry…”
I’m almost sobbing again. Why, WHY, do I have to be so emotional at the moment? The last thing we need is me crying.
“Hey, it’s ok, baby, I promise, I’ll be alright. Don’t cry, please, don’t cry.”
He brushes my tears away with his thumb and I manage to compose myself a bit. We prepared dinner and a heating pad for him.
“So, I’m your *baby* now?”
“Well, uh, I…it just felt right…if you don’t like it then…”
“I’m just teasing you, it has a nice ring to it.”
“Good, *sweet thing*.”
“You shouldn’t play your good luck though.”
I smack him playfully on the arm and we both laugh.
Maybe I don’t need an happily-ever-after, maybe a chance at happiness is enough to last a life time. Maybe, just maybe I’m not all alone anymore…