Written at the start of season ten, when the ‘Alicia rumors’ were driving me crazy.

Cold feet

Harm’s apartment

April 2005

“I’m not sure Sturge.”

“What?!”

“I don’t think I’m doing the right thing.”

“Don’t worry about it, buddy.”

“What are you talking about, don’t worry? We are talking about the rest of my life!”

“It’s just cold feet. Harm, you’re a forty something year old taking the plunge for the first time.”

“I, I really don’t think so_”

“Harm, You’ve never been big on commitment.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“You’re not denying it.”

“I just never wanted to commit to the women I dated. I always thought that there should be more to it. That there was someone special out there just beyond my reach.”

“Ehm, is this about Mac?”

“I, I, Yeah, I think it is.”

“Why did you ask Alicia to marry you?”

“Oh, I, well I.”

“Harm?”

“She asked ME alright!? At ah, while we were eh. Well, it still seemed like a good idea the next morning so I just went with it.”

“Christ Harm, It seemed like a good idea??”

“Yes Sturgis it did. She’s good looking, smart, funny and I do love her. I like being with her, I feel, content for the first time in my life. But at the end of the day, or any other given time of the day I let my mind dwell, the woman I dream of, is Mac.”

(Knock on the door)

“Good evening Commander, Commander!”

“Bud_”

“I know, I know. You’re getting married tomorrow, I’m your best man, I should call you Harm. So, Harm how are you feeling!”

“Harm is having second thoughts.” Sturgis replied.

“Oh, I’m sure everything will be perfect tomorrow. It’s just cold feet.”

“It’s not cold feet!” Harm exclaimed.

“Commander Turner?”

“It’s not cold feet, Bud.”

“Really? Wow.”

“Harm can’t get Mac out of his head.”

“I see. Of course.” Bud nodded as if it was perfectly understandable. “The UST is getting to him.”

“Bud, What in God’s name is ust?”

“U S T, sir. Unresolved sexual tension. It’s when two parties lust after each other for a long time but never_”

“We get the point Bud!”

“Sorry sir. It’s just that, well, if that’s what you and Colonel Mackenzie have_”

“He just had to call her by her rank, didn’t he.”

“If that’s what you two have then you will never be happy with some one else till you have closure.” Bud explained.

“Are you suggesting that I sleep with her so I can move on with my life?”

“Yes, sir. No sir.” Bud stuttered seeing the angry expression on Harm’s face. “I’ll shut up now sir.”

“What woman in her right mind would marry a guy that wasn’t sure he wanted to marry her before having a roll in the hay with his long time partner and best friend?”

Sturgis more stated than asked.

“Considering they already ‘dislike’ each other.” Bud added and Sturgis nodded in agreement.

“They do not!”

(silence)

“Bud?”

“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, sir, but they avoid each other like the plague.”

“They do not! Last week we had plans to all go out to dinner and a movie! If Mac hadn’t gotten that 24 hour flu__” Harm stopped seeing the knowing looks his friends gave him. “Oh.” How could he have been so blind? “Well, They’ll have to get over it. Mac is the most important part of my life, even more so if we have a baby together.”

“Baby!?”

“Oh no, Harm. Please don’t tell me you’ve already acted on your….ehm, UST.”

“Of course not Sturgis. I’m not crazy. I promised Mac that we would go halves on a kid.”

“Are you sure you’re not crazy? You’re getting married tomorrow!” Bud blurted out.

“To another woman!” Sturgis felt the need to point out.

“Sir, with all due respect. You can’t expect your wife to accept another woman in your life, not one that you had or have these kind of feelings for. If you ARE marrying Alicia tomorrow. You will have to let her go.”

“I know, but I am not about to break my promise to Mac. Whenever I envisioned my kids, they always looked like Mac.”

“Oh boy.”

“I just know she’ll make a great mother and after everything she’s been through she deserves some happiness.”

“Make sure you’re not doing this out of pity, buddy.”

“I’m not Sturgis! I want to be the one who’s baby she’s having. I want nothing more than to see her happy, To hear her laugh again and to hold her when she cries, to see her hold her baby for the first time, to help her change diapers. I want to share it with her every step of the way. I, I can’t imagine my life without her. I don’t WANT to live without her.“

“So, you’ve made up your mind?”

“Yes. Excuse me, I need to speak to someone” Harm announced as he grabbed his keys and jacket.

“I guess he was right. It wasn’t cold feet.”

*** ***

WARM FEET

Harm nervously tapped his foot on the floor while waiting for the elevator. He wondered if not taking the stairs down was his subconscious way of stalling. He should just take the stairs, his mind was made up, right? The damn thing was probably out of order anyway! That’s it, I’m taking the st__.

Just then the elevator doors opened revealing a marine on a mission, his marine.

“Harm!?”

“Mac.” That’s great, very articulate.

“I need to talk to you.” She stated.

“And I need to talk to you, but there is this very very important thing I have to do first.”

Judging by the look on her face Harm realised that may not have been the brightest thing to say.

“Please don’t tell me Sturgis and Bud arranged some hooker for you tonight?” She snapped.

Harm pulled a face indicating the distastefulness of that prospect. “Sturgis Turner? Preacher’s son Sturgis arranging a hooker? That’s funny Mac.” A little voice told him he was stalling yet again. “Anyway, you know me Mac, I would never….you know,….I wouldn’t!”

Mac ran a hand through her hair and sighed. “I know Harm, I’m sorry. I just really need to talk to you and I’m a bit on edge. That’s all.”

Her nervousness was plain to see.

“Are you alright?”

“Well, actually, that depends.”

“On what? Tell me what can I do?”

She let out a frustrated moan. “Oh Harm!” she slapped him lightly on the chest. “I need to talk and you need to listen! And NO it can’t wait since you are getting married tomorrow!”

“Well, that remains to be seen.” Harm mumbled.

“What? What’s that supposed to mean? Please don’t talk in riddles, it drives me nuts!”

Harm was silent for a moment and then took her arm to guide her into the elevator. He pressed the button and turned to face her.

“Mac, I need to talk to you too.” He saw her expression darken. “And I want to hear what you have to say.” He hastily added.

“BUT?” She refused to look at him, her lower lip trembling.

“But if I talk to you first I feel I would be doing it the wrong way around.”

Mac pinched the bridge of her nose trying to suppress the head ache she felt coming on. “If this is your way of stating things clearly I think I’d prefer it if you left the talking up to me tonight.” And to think she had thought talking to him would be a better option than crashing an F-14 into the ocean. If this continued she’d have to crash it on his forehead to get the point across. Why were they so bad at communicating?

“Look, meet me a Carl’s coffee at 2200.”

“Harm, no!” She wanted to argue that this was the most important talk of her life, that he couldn’t postpone cause her happiness depended on it and quite possibly his. But she stopped talking the moment the elevator doors opened and Harm walked smack into the bride to be.

“We need to talk!” She stated angrily, glaring in Mac’s direction.

“Get in line!” Mac meowed.

Harm turned to his partner startled by what he heard and saw. He could swear he heard them hiss.

“Mac, please. This is important to me too. Please don’t make it any harder than it is.”

She stared back at him, her eyes slowly switching back from green to brown.

“That important?” She asked softly her eyes slightly watering up.

“Yeah.” He whispered his eyes pleading for her to understand. “2200, Mac. I promise.”

“HARM!” Alicia’s voice sounded none too pleased.

”I’m coming.” With one last look at Mac her turned to his fiancé. Mac crinched when he put his arm around Alicia to guide her to his car.

“2200.” She repeated to herself as his SUV drove off. 2200 would be the turning point one way or the other. She decided to walk to Carl’s and wait for him.

** ** **

Mac was on her fourth cup of coffee at 2200 and pretty wired up by the time Harm came barging in at 2215 nearly breaking the glass door when he pushed instead of pulled.

He slid in the booth sitting across from her.

“Coffee?” A sullen looking waitress asked.

“What? Eh yeah sure whatever.”

He had been worried that Mac might have left when he wasn’t there at 2200 like he promised. He had tried his best to not be late, but in all fairness this wasn’t something that could be rushed. That would be callous. He cared too much about her to do that.

He was excited though, this might possibly be the turning point. The moment where everything fell into place_”

“Harm!” Mac’s urgent voice yanked him out of his reverie.

He grinned at her. “Mac, I have to tell you something.”

“No, Harm. You said you’d listen and you will listen damn it.” Mac startled herself. “Before I lose my nerve.” She added shyly and then the damn burst and she let it all come out. “I know you’re getting married tomorrow, and in light of that this might be considered inappropriate but there is something I need to tell you. And it doesn’t really matter what you do with the information, I just have to say it. And even though I am fully aware that I am doing this from a rather selfish point of view, I want you to know that I am not trying to stir up trouble or confuse you or…or. anything! I just need to get it off my chest because I will have to hold my piece from tomorrow onwards.”

Mac took a large breath and Harm tried to intervene. “Mac_”

“I know you’ll understand because it isn’t really all that different from what you did at my engagement party, is it?” Harm quickly shook his head, disagreeing with her now might cause a scene and this was her favorite coffee place. Carl was an ex-marine and his coffee was marine standard. He tried to follow what she was saying but she didn’t seem to be making much sense. He had never seen her that nervous before.

“So, if tomorrow is really happening then I am letting you out of the deal. I mean I can’t… and I KNOW she can’t. I mean it wouldn’t be right to ask that of you. I’ll find a donor.” She was slowing down, emotion creeping in her voice. “Or maybe not, I never thought about having any body else’s baby.” A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. “Anyway , I know it’s okay, me telling you this. Because if you and Alicia are really meant to be it won’t matter that I love you and I whish you all the happiness in the world. I just needed to tell you, so for once, there would be no misunderstandings. I love you, not just as my best friend but as my…everything.”

Harm sat quietly his eyes locked with hers. It wasn’t that he was shocked. Well he was, not by her admission but by the way she did it. This was exactly what he was hoping for. Now all he had to do was say the right thing. And that, the past had proven was not his strong suit.

“I love you.” She whispered again and closed her eyes at his silence. “Damn, I’m gonna have to transfer out.” So she was wrong. Telling him would not be enough.

He watched the emotions flicker across her face and he knew he had to do something to stop her suffering.

“The wedding is off.” He croaked.

“Maybe Nova Scotia.” She muttered to herself.

“Mac did you hear me?” He gently took her hands in his.

“I would go for California, but we might run into each other when you visit you mom.” Tears were rolling down her face in earnest now.

“Sarah.” He had to get through to her some how.

Her eyes shot to his at the mention of her name.

“The wedding is off.” He repeated softly. “That’s what I had to talk to Alicia about earlier.”

Mac blinked away her tears, completely stunned

“Bud and Sturgis tried to convince me it was just cold feet but I knew that wasn’t it.”

“What was?” Mac sniffed needing to hear him say it.

“You are Mac.” He smiled and he lowered his voice. “I finally realised that it would be wrong to not marry the woman you dream about every night.”

The look he gave her made her cheeks flush and she looked around to see if any one else had noticed the sudden temperature increase. “You dream about me.” She muttered. “Wait a minute! Marry?!”

“Ahuh.” Harm hummed as he continued to stare her down, her reaction making him more confident. “You know, Renee figured it out even back then. She asked me if you were my dream girl.”

Mac blushed and smiled. “I’m your dream girl?” She thought that was the cutest thing and coming form Harmon Rabb’s mouth, who’d have thought?

“Mac, I’m serious. You’re it for me. I kept trying to picture a future with Alicia and all I saw was you. I want to grow old with you, maybe try and have a few kids, but only with you.”

They talked some more, finished their coffee and fell into a comfortable silence. Until…………

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Mac smiled, feeling a bit uneasy. They were in public after all and the look Harm was giving her. She was surprised she didn’t have scorch marks on her clothes.

Harm bend over the table till his face was close to her’s.

“You know how much I want you?” He whispered.

Mac bit her lower lip shyly but replied. “I’ve got a pretty good idea. But we’re at Carl’s coffee. Stop looking at me like that!” she admonished playfully. “You’re giving me warm feet.”

Harm sat back, a bit confused. “Warm feet?”

“Yeah, when you look at me like that.” She smiled.

“Like what?” He asked innocently

“You know, like you’re doing right now. My feet get all warm and tingly. (along with a few other places) Mac let her foot run up and down his calf. When she reached her destination between his thighs his soft groan made her grin saucily. Remembering they were still in a public place she pulled her foot back and leaned over the table to whisper something in his ear.

“Woh, you can be very direct.” His ears turning a soft blush color.

“No more riddles. You don’t mind do you?” She smiled again and slowly licked her lips.

“No. It will take some getting used to though..” Now it was his turn to grin obviously quite happy with the turn of events.

“Well, lets go then. I think we’re behind on schedule as it is.” She grabbed her coat and started to leave.

Harm threw some money on the table and followed her out. When he caught up with her he pulled her close as they walked to his car.

“You had this whole thing planned?” He whispered in her ear.

“Are you kidding me? You think I planned to wait ten years? Six significant others, three murder charges and two almost marriages? You think I planned this?”

Harm pulled her against him and silenced her with a kiss. He knew she wasn’t being serious. After the past ten years and everything they’d gone through they both needed it to be ‘light’.

Once they got to Harm’s apartment and they made sure both Sturgis and Bud had gone home all the joking and playfulness were gone. To be replaced by dead serious passion. What was it that Bud called it? UST, right, they needed an outlet for their UST only then could they show how much they were truly in love with each other.

“Harm, this was much better than what I had in mind.”

“I love you Mac.” He whispered sleepily into her hair.

“I know, that’s what I meant.” She yawned. “For years I thought I’d just have to settle by only having your baby.” Although, with all the uncertainties that sounded ungrateful. She let her mind wander to her medical situation and the effect it would have on her future.

Harm sensed her mood darkening.

“Hey Mac?”

“Hmm?”

“Now that you told me….”

“Told you what , Harm?”

“About me giving you warm feet.”

Mac sighed thinking about what he did to her.

“Does that mean I won’t have to buy you any more comfortable shoes?”

Mac rolled over on her belly so she could look at him. She softly patted his cheek before kissing him.

“You silly silly man.”

The end