Classification: DARK. But with happy ending. Warning: Christmas past contains some domestic violence and hinted sexual situations.

(Mac is down on life. Having Harm back at JAG was supposed to make everything better! Silly Mac, their problems started way before he left JAG. Anyway…he said something Harmlike and now she is miffed and refused to go the annual Roberts Christmas party, making quite a few snipe remarks here and there, effectively blocking out her friends, she even took back her gift for Harm!. She doesn’t feel like cooking anything, but is hungry so she grabs some left over Chinese from the fridge. Feeling sorry for herself she falls asleep on the couch. )

JAG Christmas carol without carols

Clock strikes twelve.

Mac was startled from her sleep by Loren Singer and Mic Brumby having an argument about Mac’s courtroom skills.

“Her arguments lack passion.”

“Sticking to the facts is a good tactic, especially in a military courtroom.”

Sitting up, Mac blinked twice, but they were still there.

“This can’t be happening.” She muttered.

Loren and Mic heard her yet continued to argue about who woke her up five minutes early.

“It’s your fault. I told you to keep you voice down.”

“Who cares if she wakes up a couple minutes early? Besides with her timing she is probably right on time!”

“But Mic!”

“Relax Loren, no worries remember. What’s the worst that can happen. You’re already dead.”

Mac shook her head, she was still foggy and she felt a bit nauseous.

“What are you doing here?!”

“What’s that luv?” Mic asked her making Mac realize how much his accent bugged her.

“Oh, right.,” Loren straightened herself as if she was about to make a grand speech.

“Oh for God’s sake Loren, just spit it out before she passes out again.”

Mac’s eyes were wide and her mouth open. “I’ve died and gone to hell.”

“Nah, luv. That’s our line. You are very much alive.”

“Then I must be losing my mind.” Mac sighed rubbing her temples.

“You won’t get any argument from me there ma’am!” Loren snorted.

“Hey!” Mac protested. “I’m a senior officer and I expect to be treated as such!”

“You don’t have any say over me anymore ma’am, I’m dead!”

“Yes. Yes you are. So tell me what you’re doing here in my living room?!” Mac demanded.

“Right, whenever someone screws up their life, someone with potential, us dead folk are picked to give said person a second chance. A chance to see the light so to speak and make amends before it’s too late.” She turned to Mic. “See, she always caught the breaks. Everyone always forgives her, but did anyone give ME a second chance, some fair warning? NO, just toss her into an icy river and let her drown_”

“Loren.” Mic calmly tried to get her attention.

“And not just me, my child too! No one thought to give HER a second chance did they?”

“LOREN!”

“What?” she snapped.

Mac pinched herself just to see if it were real.

‘Must have been that Chinese food, yes, that’s it…food poisoning, I am hallucinating!’

“This isn’t about you,” Mic warned. At Loren’s hurt look he continued more softly. “As much as either one of us dislikes it, it is about HER” He said pointing at Mac .”We as the designated
Christmas ghosts have the duty to_”

“Hold on..” Mac interrupted and addressed her former fiancé. “You’re not dead.”

“Ah, Sarah, but you’re forgetting that; any one that’s ever been involved you is either dead or feels like they are.” He stopped to ponder, “I guess the blokes upstairs thought it was close enough.”

“ANYWAY. As I was saying, “Loren continued, “We are here to show you the true meaning of Christmas_”

Mac snorted. “YOU? You are going to show me the true meaning of Christmas?”

“Now don’t get bitchy with me ‘Ma’am’, “ Loren threatened, “We can skip the whole realization part and go straight to the ‘this is the path you chose, live with it ‘ part…or die with it, I’m not sure about that.” She trailed off, but there was this cold tone to her voice that made her scary..

The room had taken on a sudden chill and something told Mac to shut up and hear them out. ‘The fever will surely have gone down by tomorrow and she would have the whole Christmas day by herself to think this over’ she thought.

“Now, if you two ladies are done…let’s get to the important stuff,” He grinned, “Christmas past.”

Suddenly Mac, who was wearing nothing but her flannel pyjama pants and a US NAVY t-shirt, found herself barefoot on a snow covered sidewalk in Georgetown. As she was taking in her surroundings Mic walked up close behind her and whispered in her ear.

“Remember this luv?”

Mac just about jumped out of her skin and took a step away from him.

“My happiest Christmas ever, I spent with you Sarah.” Mic stepped closer again. “Look.”

She followed his gaze and was shocked to see herself hanging on the arm of another Mic Brumby, laughing at his jokes, looking happy. At least on the outside. SHE could see the shimmer of sadness in her own eyes. She missed her best friend and no amount of shopping or flattery could really make her forget him.

Loren rolled her eyes. “Mic,” she hissed. “You are disobeying the orders!”

“No luv, just putting my own spin on the interpretation of them.” Mic brushed her off.

“I will not let you ruin this for me. We will do this the right way.” She made an angry swipe with her hands and the Georgetown street disappeared.

Mac looked down at her feet. The remaining snow melted off her feet and disappeared into the carpet. ‘Carpet? ‘ Her head snapped up and she could feel her muscles tense. She knew this place. Angry voices came from the kitchen. Another fight. Mac remembered this one well.

“Nice tree!” Mic commented, ignoring the shouting and ugly accusations.

She had decorated that tree with her mother that morning. Uncle Matt had bought it for her.

It was perfect. Her mother had dug up a box of ornaments she had gotten from hér mother. ”They are real special, you have to be really careful, Sarah.” And she had been, extra careful. Hardly ever did they have ‘special’ things in their house and she wasn’t about to let her mother down and break one. She had been sitting next to it enjoying the way the lights reflected in the glass balls, all day …that is till her father came home.

“Won’t be for long.” Mac said sadly.

“Sarah! Get your ass in here!”

Mac didn’t want to see what happened next but her legs took her towards the kitchen anyway.

“Tell me you little bitch, who was in here this morning with your mother?!”

Sarah shrunk a little and her eyes darted to her mother for guidance.

“DON’T LOOK AT HER! I’M TALKING TO YOU!, “he grabbed her and forced her to look him straight in the eyes. “ANSWER THE QUESTION, DAMN IT!”

Mac remembered being so scared. Uncle Matt wasn’t allowed to come by these days after her father and he had a fight. She remembered her stomach turning from the smell of his breath, and his hands grabbing her arms so tight she couldn’t feel her fingers anymore. Subconsciously she rubbed her arms where the bruises had been.

“Joe please!” Deanne begged.

“SHUT UP, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. JIM SAW A GUY COME IN HERE, YOU TRAMP!” He grabbed Sarah by her arm and pulled her towards the living room. “Sarah will tell me, won’t you girl, you won’t let daddy down like your mother will you_” He stopped short when he saw the tree. “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!”

“Joe, please, it’s Sarah’s.”

Sarah gulped as Joe Mackenzie turned back to her. The rage in his eyes she would never forget.

Mac felt tears well up in her eyes. “Please, stop this.” She whispered. “I don’t want to see more.”

Loren looked sympathetic but shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

Joe Mackenzie continued his tirade about them spending his hard earned money on stupid things like that and Mac closed her eyes as she knew what was coming.

“Uncle Matt bought it for me.” Sarah whispered.

“WHAT?” Joe screamed.

“We didn’t spend your money, it was a gift.” Her voice was small, hopeful that she had defused his anger. But she was wrong.

Joe yanked her arm and threw her on the floor. Then he turned to Deanne. Sarah knew what he would do. She should have kept her mouth shut, now he would hurt mommy again. Deanne shrieked as he went after her and hit her hard in the face.

“No daddy, no! Please.” Another punch.

“It’s not her fault, he bought it for me!” Sarah pleaded knowing better then to show tears. “Please.”

But it was no use, Joe pulled Deanne up from the floor and reached back to give her one final punch.

Even though she had lived through it before, Mac put her hand over her mouth in shock and she had to look away.

The force of his last blow has sent Deanne almost flying across the room and into the Sarah’s Christmas tree, both crashed hard on the floor. Glass flying through the room, the coloured lights extinguished and blood, her mother’s blood as red as the broken glass.

Sarah had backed away in a corner and softly whispered. “It was just a gift.”

Joe was sitting on his knees in the glass next to his wife’s still form, weeping.

“Look what you made me do.” He said to his 8 year old daughter.

Mic tried to comfort her but Mac was closed off. He looked to Singer for some help.

Mac tried to swallow past the lump in her throat and Loren seemed to be doing the same thing. Then suddenly she straightened her shoulders and before turning away she snapped;

“So she had a rough childhood, she’s not the only one!”

Mic placed his hand on the small of Sarah’s back so she’d follow Singer. “Was your mum alright?” He asked.

“He took her to the hospital. She didn’t get out till new years and he didn’t come back till the next day.” She’d spent Christmas all alone cleaning up the mess before he got home. At first she had tried to find ornaments that weren’t broken, but they all were. All the glue in the world could not fix what was broken that day.

** **

Singer had walked out of the house as determined to get away from all the hurt as Mac was.

As the three of them continued to walk, the street changed into an ally and they came to a stop in front of a ‘bar’.

“Remember this place?” Singer sniped.

Mac couldn’t say that she did, but she had a nasty feeling she’d been there before, probably with Chris. ‘Which would explain why I don’t remember this place.’

“No, but I’m sure you’ll remind me.” Mac muttered.

“You ladies ready to go in?” Mic asked as he opened the door for them.

Loren rolled her eyes at him before stepping inside. Mac hesitated before following.

Loren found an empty table and sat down facing the door. Mic decided to try and get himself a beer.

“Here you go luv.” He grinned as he placed a jug of beer in front of Mac.

Mac just glared at him and pushed the drink away. She feared that after witnessing the next scene she might actually need it. She was pulled from her thoughts by Loren’s exclamation.

“OMG!” She grinned evilly. “Colonel Mackenzie, if I had known this about you when I was alive……” She laughed out loud. “I’m sure neither the Commander nor the Admiral would be so sweet on you, had they known!”

Mac had turned around to see what caused Loren’s outburst, only to see a younger version of herself, a much younger version much to her dismay, enter the ‘establishment’ leaning heavily on her husband’s arm. She was wearing an extremely short skirt and an impossibly tight and low cut top, revealing more then it hid. Her hair long and ‘big’ and way too much make up, probably some to cover up bruises or bags under her eyes.

“You would have used that information against Mac?” Mic cut in.

“I would have used my knowledge to assure myself of a better position at the office.”

Mic snorted. “You would be just as dead as you are now had you tried anything to scandalize Mac.”

“Well, the Commander never did like me. But if he would know about this…she looks like a ho….” She trailed off as the next ‘Christmas scene’ unfolded.

Mac could barely stand to watch her younger self flaunt herself at the men in the bar, craving the ‘positive’ attention, letting Chris humiliate her and then pacify her by buying her a drink. At first she would drunkenly claim independence and throw raunchy remarks to any one that ‘crossed’ her but as the night went on she became more incoherent and ‘compliant’

Loren and Mic viewed the whole thing with a look of disgust on their faces. Mac sat frozen in her chair. She truly didn’t remember any of this. But she felt her stomach turn as she realized she DID remember the morning after.

“Hey Chris!” One of his friends called out as he fondled Sarah. “I think she is just about ready to head on home for ‘our’ Christmas party.”

Chris swayed as he moved towards his friend who was holding Sarah up so she wouldn’t drop to the floor. “Man, you’ve gotta carry her.”

“My pleasure.” The guy grinned as he threw Sarah over his shoulder. Cheers from the other patrons encouraged Chris. He waived at the others and then slapped Sarah’s rear calling out triumphantly.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS SARAH!”

*

Mic had seized to find anything amusing about this evening after the first guy had copped a feel. Concerned he turned back to Mac only to find her gone.

Loren and Mic ran out to the ally.

“It would look very bad on my record if I lost her.”

“I don’t see her.” Mic said as he tried to focus in the dark.

“But I think I hear her.” Loren said with a disgusted look on her face.

They followed the tell tail sounds of some one puking their guts out and found Mac bend over behind a trash container.

“OOH the great Sarah Mackenzie exposed for what she really is. I can’t believe you acted so superior and righteous!” Singer said with both amusement and resentment.

“Leave her alone, Loren.”

Mic went over to Mac to comfort her. But she wouldn’t let him touch her.

“Let’s go to the next thing on the agenda.” He suggested.

“Well alright, I suppose it would be hard for anyone to figure out they were a slut__UMPF..”

Mic laughed out loud as he saw Singer rub her jaw. “You didn’t hurt your fingers, did you luv?” He asked Mac.

Part two

When she didn’t respond he put his hand on the small of her back and gently guided her to the end of the ally. Mac slapped at his hand, still refusing to be touched, but then she realized where she was. Immediately her spirits lifted as she was surrounded by the people she loved. Their happy voices floating around the room. She looked around the room to find him, or herself but neither was there. She was just about to ask where her other self was when the door opened and Harm walked in.

He looked larger than life in his suit and long coat and completely irresistible. Jen was with him and Mac knew exactly what Christmas this was. She didn’t have to fear watching this scene unfold.

“Hey, you made it.”

“yeah, oh here let me.”

“Oh, Thanks.”

“Sure.”

“O oh, awkward moment 310.”

They both looked up to see a branch of mistletoe above the door post. Harm wiggled his eyebrows in a ‘sure why not’ expression, he slightly tilted his head for the sweetest ‘more than just friends kiss’ ever. Both of them knew it and smiled before Harm closed the door behind them.

“Aw…that was so sweet….” Mic huffed jealously.

“Come on Mic, you know that’s the reason we’re here.” Loren reminded him.

“What?” Mac said angrily. She had been watching herself with Harm wishing this Christmas could have been like that. But as much as she may have wanted it, things weren’t the same between them, she was still angry with him. “You mean to tell me that your job is to show me that Christmas sucked till Harm came into my life?!”

“Well, sort of.” Loren murmured. “Someone up there seems to think you two are soul mates, or something corny like that.”

“Well they’re wrong! Harm and I have done nothing but hurt each other for the past nine years! This Christmas being the exception, but let me tell you, it wasn’t always like that!”

Both Loren and Mic crossed their arms over their chests and let Mac rant, their expressions clearly showing their disbelieve.

“For example, one year, when I was feeling particularly lonely and subtly let him know I had no plans he completely ignored me and then proceeded to pick up one of his clients, right under my nose, who he then dated exclusively for about six months! The year after I didn’t even see him! Then he was planning to leave JAG and me again to find his brother, and last year he had me worried sick because he didn’t show up at the Roberts’ on time. He flew in, disobeying a direct order, losing his wings in the process…” Mac paused to take a breath, something she had forgotten to do for about a minute.

“Hold on luv, did you say last Christmas?” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pants and checked it. “Well, it can’t have been that bad, it’s our next defence exhibit.”

“Yes.” Loren added. “He once again broke the rules to fly home so he could be with her. You’d think she’d be a little more grateful.”

Loren clapped her hands and suddenly they were in Mac’s apartment. A beautiful tree stood in the corner of her living room, twinkling lights and shiny ornaments.

“Nice tree,” Mic said. “Reminds me a lot of that tree you had_”

“Mic please.” Mac didn’t want him to remind her again of that Christmas but he was right, this tree did look a lot like that one. She wondered if she unknowingly replicated her first real tree when there was a knock on the door. She didn’t bother to look who it was, she already knew. Instead she let her finger trail a gold angel that hung from an upper branch, lost in thought.

“Hey Mac, merry Christmas.” He stepped inside and hugged her tight.

“Good morning squid.” She smiled at him. “Come on, I’ve got a present for you under the tree.”

Loren and Mic both watched as Harm and Mac exchanged presents and then engaged in playful banter about Harm’s latest flying escapade and Mac’s new career as Washington tour guide. For about an hour they just sat together watching the fire and quietly enjoying each other’s presence.

Mic leaned towards Loren and whispered. “Can we fast forward? This is boring as hell.”

Loren turned to Mac who was now sitting on the chair by her desk staring into space, and then back to the couple on the sofa. Harm now had his left arm wrapped around her shoulder, his right hand rested on his thigh. Hesitantly Mac’s hand moved to touch his. Softly they let their fingers play and caress. Harm leaned in closer to kiss her and then …there was a knock on the door.

“Pay attention colonel. This is where it gets interesting.”

Mac looked up from where she had been pouting. ‘Interesting?’ She thought that night had the potential to get interesting too, till her nosy neighbour decided to knock on her door. ‘They had been so close!’ After that, Harm had acted weird and although they had spend the rest of the day together, eating, playing games, watching a movie , they had been unable to recapture that moment.

She saw herself opening the door and her neighbour started to rattle about everything and anything. But she noticed that Loren and Mic were focused on Harm instead of her. He sat there rubbed his hand through his hair and cussed.

“Damn it!” He let out a deep breath and turned to see Mac trying to lose the neighbour ASAP.

Present day Mac sat down on the coffee table in front of him.

“Ok, I’ve got to make my move now.” He whispered to himself and Mac’s eye brows shot up towards her hairline. “It won’t get any better than this. I’ve got to make her see that it’s time.”

“Time for what?” coffee table Mac asked, though he couldn’t hear her.

“Great, yeah. How do I go about that?” Harm asked himself. “Without putting my foot in my mouth.” He shook his head in despair. “How the hell do I tell her?”

“Tell me what?” Mac tried again.

“Mac, I’m ready….No wait.. Mac I can let go now, eh.. I HAVE let go. Mac I…Sarah…I L_ really really like you. Shit.” He glanced back at Mac who just closed the door.

When she saw his panicked expression she concluded that he regretted what had just happened, or didn’t quite happen so she’d give him some time to regroup.

“You hungry? Great, I’ll fix us something.” She faked enthusiasm.

Mac 2002 walked to the kitchen leaving Harm with his thoughts.

“Shit shit shit.” Harm cursed. “Why is it so hard to tell her you love her?”

At that moment Mac fell of the coffee table. As Mic helped her up she murmured in shock.

“Did I just hear….did he just say he….loved me?”

“Ah, finally we are making some progress.” Mic said to Loren and then the clock struck one.

***

Mac slowly opened on eye, weary of what she may find. Much to her relieve she was in her own living room. There was a soft glow about the room. She grabbed to remote to switch of the TV, but the light remained. It was coming from her kitchen. Slowly she made her way to the door and quickly peeked inside. What she saw made her close the door just as fast.

“Shit.” She whispered to her self. “This can’t be happening, this isn’t happening.” Taking a deep breath she pushed the door open. ‘nope, still there.’ She jumped when he turned around apparently knowing she was standing there.

“Hello Sarah.” He smiled ‘charmingly’.

“Chris.” At first she backed up against the wall, but then she remembered what Loren and Mic had showed her and fury replaced fear.. She stepped towards him and then let her fist connect with his jaw.

“Damn it, why do I always get assaulted when I am with you?”

“What are you doing here you bastard!” Mac hissed.

“I’m going to show you the meaning of Christmas.” He was still rubbing his sore jaw.

“I think you’ve done more then enough showing me your meaning of Christmas. I want you gone NOW.”

“Now see Sarah, that’s why they sent me. You can’t keep closing off from people.”

“You’re dead!”

“If you think you can throw me off with that tough marine attitude you are mistaken. And who’s fault was it that I am dead anyway!"

“I am not even going to dignify that with a response.” She walked to her door and opened it so he could leave.

“There you go, shutting me out… literally. I guess they were right.” He sighed pointing at the ceiling.

“I thought this was about showing me how much I need Harm?”

“Who’s Harm? Is he your new man?” His jealous tone was obvious. “Is he the one?”

“I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“Fine, I’ll find out anyway. If you are always like this, I know why they sent me.” He pulled out a small bottle of Vodka. “Stolli, your favorite.” He offered her the bottle which she pushed away. “Have it your way, let’s go.”

Mac was a little disorientated, she felt warped….for lack of a better word. Even before everything stopped spinning she knew where she was. She recognized the voices of her friends and colleagues.

“Bud could you put these coats away please?

“Sure honey.”

“Admiral, Meredith please sit down. Can I get you guys something to drink?”

Mac turned to Chris. “I don’t remember this party.”

“That’s because you boycotted them this year.”

“I did not……I was well within my rights! And I wasn’t about to spend Christmas eve with Harm after what he said. I would have ruined the party.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Sweetie, if everyone is here we can start.”

“Harm’s not here yet. “She looked sad. “and of course the Colonel…”

“Harriet, I don’t think she’ll be here this year. She was pretty upset. And you know Harm, he’s always late.”

The door opened and Harm made his entrance. “I beg to differ Bud, I am right on time.” He smiled. “And I brought a dinner guest, hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not. Hi Catherine”

“Harriet, this is Catherine Gale.”

“His wife, Harriet.” Bud joked.

Harm continued to introduce Catherine to his friends while Mac looked on. Her jaw tight.

“I can’t believe he brought her along.”

“Well, you weren’t available were you?” Chris commented as he poured himself another shot.

“You sure you don’t want any?”

Mac glared at him and then watched the night evolve. Everyone was chatting happily and Mac would have given her right arm for a taste of that roast. After dinner they all sat down for coffee and later wine. Mac had been watching Harriet feed little Jimmy and wondered if she’d ever have a family of her own. Not too long ago she had hoped she’d get her wish and her family with Harm. But then the judiciary, Singer’s trial, and then Paraguay. She had given up on them ever becoming more then friends. Refusing to talk to him about it further she had closed the door on that for good. And then when he’d been working for the CIA she had missed him terribly. Of course she couldn’t let anyone know that, so she’d buried herself in her work and acting indifferent about the things that she cared about. The people she cared about,….Harm… Harm, he was saying something.!

“Thanks for a great evening, Harriet. But we’ve got to go.” He put his arm around Catherine and together they took their leave. Mac was shocked to see them kiss just before they left the house.

She was still in shock when Chris pulled her with him. “See Sarah, they had a great time without you. You keep on shutting people out and they will move on…forget about you.”

Mac was too hurt to say anything back.. her mind making up all kinds of scenario’s of Harm and Catherine Gale together.

**

part three **

‘Damn, my head hurts.’

Mac rolled over on her back, her arm draped over her eyes.

‘Ugh. .nightmares’ “What time is it?” She wondered out loud.

“Clock just struck two.” Came the unexpected reply.

Mac jumped up from the sofa, her eyes wide with shock and her hart was pounding in her chest. There before her stood her father.

“Are you here to show me that I was never happy before Harm came to my life too.?”

“I’m hoping to drive that sentiment home, yes.”

“What do YOU know about true happiness!? In the time I knew you you did nothing but make people unhappy!”

“Sarah, you and this Harm_”

“Don’t bother. I don’t need Harm to be happy, I was perfectly happy before I met him!”

“Really?” his voice surprised. ”Show me.”

“What? No, I don’t have to show YOU anything!”

His calm tone irritated her. It wasn’t him, it wasn’t how she remembered him. Frankly, it was scary. At least before his behaviour was predictable. She needed to stay in control, show him she was stronger then before.

“Show me Sarah, prove me wrong.”

“Okay,” Mac tried to keep her chin up, ”Okay I will….” She was going through the memory banks searching for a moment of true happiness. “First of all…..there was the time that……”

“What’s the matter Sarah?” He asked gently. “There are none are there?”

“There was! When I was with John.” She stated triumphantly.

“Honey, he was in love with you, that made you feel good.” He sighed. “I don’t know, maybe that is happiness.”

“No, you’re right.” Mac conceded. “I wasn’t really happy. I was trying to make a better life for myself and then I went and had an affair with a senior officer. I wasn’t happy with that.” She paused. “…John was good for me though…..So you guys win. I don’t think I have ever been truly happy.” She dropped back on her sofa when she realized something. “But I don’t think I can be happy with Harm either.”

“We’ll see. Come along Sarah.” He reached out his hand. “Let’s go see what might be.”

***

“I can’t see. Where are we?” Mac whispered.

“You should know, this is your dream, you hopes for the future.”

She wanted to say she didn’t have any hope left for the future when someone flipped on a light. She could now make out a hallway at the bottom of a staircase. She looked up toward the light. First she could only hear muffled voices and people moving around but then she saw a little girl at the top of the stairs.

“Wait for us, sweetie.” Mac heard herself call out.

“I can’t mommy,” The little girl said while bouncing up and down. “I’m too excited!”

“Alright, hold on to the railing.” Mommy Mac conceded as she took her daughter’s hand.

Mac gasped as the two of them made it down the stairs and came in full view. The little girl was wearing a oversized NAVY T-shirt. she had long dark hair that was caught in a messy ponytail. When she looked up at her mommy with bright blue eyes that twinkled with excitement and a smile that melted Mac’s heart there was no doubt as to who her daddy was.

Mother and daughter made it further down the stairs and Mac focused on the large belly that her other self carried. Pregnant Mac turned slowly as they came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs.

“Hurry up Harm! I don’t think I can hold her back much longer.”

“Yeah yeah, we’re coming. I was just checking the batteries on the cam.”

Harm’s form appeared a the top of the stairs. Mac smiled as she saw him carrying another little girl. This one still half asleep and draped over his shoulder. Together the family made it’s way to the living room. Mac took the little girl from Harm attempting to wake her a bit more as well as giving Harm the opportunity to film both girls’ reactions to the presents under the tree.

“You look pretty happy there, don’t you Sarah?” Joe Mackenzie commented.

Mac looked back at her father. “This isn’t real.”

“It could be. This is what I always wanted for you.”

Mac looked back at her father with tears in her eyes. “It’s what I always wanted too.”

“Then make it happen Sarah!” He urged her. “The future is in your hands.”

“I can’t, It’s too late. Too much has happened.” Mac sniffed.

To her surprise her father sadly closed his eyes and sighed. As the air rushed from his mouth his face began to change. Mac stood frozen as Joe Mackenzie slowly morphed into Eddy. Not Eddy her best friend, the one she’d have fun with while drinking away thoughts of their hopeless futures. But the Eddy she remembered in her nightmares. His eyes wide and lifeless, his skull cracked and bleeding.

Suddenly the air was cold and the warm living room with her family disappeared. She wrapped her arms around herself trying to ward of the chill but it was no use. There was nothing but darkness and cold where they were. Mac was afraid to look Eddy in the eye but had to find out what to do next. His eyes didn’t focus on her on anything else. Just staring ahead lifelessly as his twisted arm rose and a finger pointed ahead.

Unsure of what she was supposed to do Mac slowly shuffled in the direction he pointed. When a light appeared she became more certain and quickened her pace, hoping to get away from him. As she stepped from the black void into a safe kitchen she dared to glance back. There was no evidence of the place she just ran from. Instead she was greeted by familiar voices and smells. She smiled as she realized she was again at the Roberts’ house.

She moved toward the voices in the living room and sure enough, they were all there. Mac looked around in wonder. Harriet and Bud both looked a bit older, and A.J. looked at least fifteen! Little Jimmy no longer a baby and a little girl she didn’t know was sitting on Bud’s lap. By the piano she spotted Tiner with a woman by his side, holding a baby, and Jen! Playing the piano with an other young man she didn’t recognize.

Mikey was still in uniform, lt. bars on his shoulders. He was talking with an upset Big Bud by the fire place. She could just overhear ; “since Mackenzie made first female JAG!”

“Wow,” Mac 2003 exclaimed full of pride, ”Good for me, huh?!”

Then she spotted Harm.

Mac smiled as she watched Harm with his family. A little girl that looked just like him, about nine and another girl about seven years old holding on to his pants. A little boy raced through the living room after a friend, by the third pass Harm intersected and caught him by the collar.

He held on to the boy as he urged the girls to go find their mother. Mac was eager to see more interaction with her children but when the girls found their mother she felt bile rising in her throat. Instead of seeing herself she saw Catherine Gale turning around.

Mac felt like she had the wind knocked out of her. she backed into a corner hoping Eddy would appear and drag her back into the abyss. She was only vaguely aware of Sturgis making an entrance with his wife and kids.

“Sorry we’re late Harriet but I had some trouble leaving the office.”

“That’s alright sir. We understand. How is the slave driver from the west anyway?”

“Damning Christmas as I left.”

“Maybe I should have invited her.” Harriet pretended to ponder. “With her being all alone on Christmas and all….”

“Serves her right!” Big Bud joined in. “What kind of person fires someone right before Christmas!”

“In all fairness. It wasn’t really HER that fired me.” Bud explained.

“No,” Harriet hissed. “But it was that latest fitness report she wrote that did you in for good!”

Mac 2003 was forced to listen as her ‘friends’ started telling stories about all the despicable things she had done. They believed her to be a cold hearted bitch. Not a word about all the good things she had done before. Someone piped up and joked. “She must have been possessed by Singer’s ghost! ”They all joined in on the Mac bashing….all of them…except Harm.

Harm was sitting on the couch looking straight ahead, his lips pursed and his eyes sad.

“Why?” Mac 2003 asked as Eddy reappeared.

“Because he loved you.” A voice sounded even though his lips didn’t move. Mac looked back at Harm and her heart ached for him. She wished she could take away his pain. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks as well as hers.

“Now every one.. we shouldn’t.” Harriet scolded. “ This isn’t what Christmas is about. Mac made her choice, let her not ruin our Christmas spirit.”

“Hear hear.” Sturgis agreed.

“Everyone, raise your glasses.” They all did. “To Mac, may she find true happiness.”

“To Mac!” They all chorused.

“May she get laid soon so we can have some peace.” Someone added just loud enough for everyone to hear and loud laughter went through the room.

Harm closed his eyes and shook his head. “here’s to you Sarah.” and he took a big gulp from his glass.

***

part four **

The cold wind blew through the living room. Mac had to close her eyes against flying debris. When she could finally open them she was no longer at the Roberts. Instead she found herself in a graveyard. She looked at the headstone in front of her.

LOREN SINGER. 1974-2003

“Why are we here?” Mac asked Eddy who was standing right behind her.

Again he raised his arm and pointed to the fresh grave next to Loren’s. It wasn’t closed yet but the headstone was already in place.

SARAH MACKENZIE

Mac swallowed past the lump in her throat. A feeling of foreboding washed over her and she turned slowly towards Eddy. But all the training in the world wouldn’t be enough to protect her now. He grabbed her arms and pushed her back so she was hanging over the edge of the grave. Mac screamed as she saw the coffin far far below.

“You helped me realize there was no hope for the future.” Eddy’s voice from the past sounded.” I’ll do the same for you.” Then he let go of her arms and Mac felt herself falling.

**

A piercing scream went through the apartment as Mac awoke with a jolt. She sat up checking her surroundings for anything out of the ordinary. When she was satisfied there were no more ghosts she realized she was soaked in sweat.

Standing under the hot spray of the shower her mind kept going over her nightmare. It had been so real, but it couldn’t have been. She sighed and let the water warm her body.

“It was just a nightmare.” She told herself again. A cold wind blew past the shower curtain and she would swear she could feel Eddy breathing down her neck. When she turned however there was nothing but bathroom tile and a bottle of shampoo.

She quickly turned of the water and grabbed a towel to dry off. Her apartment was eerily quiet and the lights she had turned on didn’t quite seem to light the room adequately. As she was putting on her underwear the clock struck and she froze.

She never needed a clock let alone one that announced the hours so loudly. Bare foot she padded to her living room counting the times the clock struck. She was surprised to find it stopped after sounding only six times. She checked with her own internal clock and it was right! It was Christmas morning. She had missed the party at the Roberts due to her argument with Harm and Harriet. She couldn’t even remember what she and Harm had argued about this time, but she did remember Harriet siding with Harm and effectively throwing all the events of the past year in Mac’s face. Of course she realized now that she had overreacted through her hurt but it still stung.

She thought back to the night before, the party at the Roberts’ house and the pain she had seen in Harm’s eyes at the second party. Was this the moment she went wrong? Someone at the party had mentioned her never being the same after Paraguay. Was that true? Was Chris right? Did she shut every one out since she got back? Even Harm? They had gotten back into the partner thing quite easily, but it was superficial. She stopped what she was doing.

It had to stop. She had to change it. She was NOT going to turn into the Mac that Harriet referred to as the slave driver from the west. First female JAG, though it sounded good was not her goal, it never was! All she wanted was to be happy and to be with her family. And right now her family was her everyone from JAG and most importantly Harm! So she’d tell them that, she’d show them. And she had to tell Harm! Regardless of him seeing Catherine Gale, he had to know. And she needed him to tell her if they still had a chance….or not.

She knew most of them were planning to have a quiet Christmas at home. No big plans. She decided to invite all of them over for a Christmas dinner and start a new. She made a list of all the places she would be able to get food and drinks from on Christmas day, and then started to check off things she had to do before her guests arrived. cleaning, preparing and inviting and so on.

***

Harm woke up early…..alone. It wasn’t so much the being alone physically. He was used to that, and lord knew he didn’t have to be. Instead of dropping Catherine off at the hospital last night he could have taken her to the wall and home with him. That kiss under the mistletoe last night had said enough. She had totally caught him off guard with it as they got ready to leave the party. But he had long realized Catherine had been right to turn him down when he offered to have a relationship with her. She wasn’t who he wanted.

The problem was the person he DID want didn’t want him. She had made that clear in Paraguay. And even though she had made attempts to talk after they got back, that was the moment he had lost his best friend. He had hoped that when he started back at JAG that feeling of loneliness would vanish. After all. SHE would be there with him. But despite their work related banter he had never felt more empty. Something was missing, SHE was missing.

He realized he’d felt her slipping away last year and his stupid comments yesterday hadn’t helped her to make her way back to him. Worse still, Harriet had meddled and Mac who had lost her temper hadn’t shown at the party. So now he felt alone AND guilty.

He glanced at the picture she had given him the year before. Butch and Sundance. He smiled at the memory and was determined to fix it. First he would fix yesterday’s faux pas, Mac missed yesterday’s party so now he’d bring the party to Mac. And then they would talk. Clayton Webb or not, he was going to state his intentions. They would settle this once and for all, together.

***

Mac let herself drop on her couch. She had spend the morning cleaning and getting everything ready, but then she wasn’t able to reach any of her friends. She felt deflated. It was all for nothing. Hot tears burned in her eyes and she let them fall while she stared at the unopened gifts under her tree.

A knock on her door interrupted her darks thoughts.

“Oh, no,…mrs. Marrin.” Mac moaned as she pulled herself up from the couch.

She opened the door, but instead of her nosy neighbour …there he was…..

“Merry Christmas Mac.” He bit his lip uncertainly.

Mac couldn’t get her voice past the lump in her throat. “Merry Christmas.” she croaked almost inaudible.

Harm stepped inside and enveloped her in a bear hug. Mac clung to him and buried her face in the crook of his neck planning to never let go.

“You up for some company?” Harm asked.

Mac nodded and managed a teary “Yeah.”

“Come on you guys! It’s safe to come out now.” Harm called behind him. And before she knew what was happening her apartment was filled with her friends. Their voices sounding happy and excited, snacks were past around and gifts exchanged. She took the scene in, this was what she wanted. A hand on her shoulder pulled her from her thoughts.

“Are you alright?” he asked as he drew her against his chest.

“Yeah, I am now. I…I’m happy.”

“I’m glad to hear that. “ He hesitated. “Look Mac about yesterday.”

“I’m sorry” They both said at the same time.

“Harm? I know things have been…strained between us and that’s my fault. I accused you of not seeing things through and then I went and shut the door on there ever being an US.”

Harm wanted to interrupt but she put a finger on his lips, effectively silencing him.

“I would have most likely died if you hadn’t shown up. I was confused back then about my feelings, for you, for Clay, not to mention being angry at you for saving me, for proving once again that I needed you.”

“I had to save you Mac, I couldn’t lose you.”

“I know, I can’t lose you either.” She caressed his cheek with her palm. “ Harm…I…I love you.”

Harm smiled. “No Clay?”

“Who?” Mac joked softly.

“Good, no Webb. Just us.” Harm whispered as he rested his head on top of hers.

“So,” Mac asked uncertainly. “You still want to give ‘us’ a try?” She looked up into his eyes.

“No,” Harm shook his head, but when he saw her worried expression he added quickly, “I’m going to make it work. For eternity.” He wiped away the tears that escaped her eyes.

Mac smiled at him through her tears. He might not have used the words ‘I love you’, but some how it didn’t seem to matter any more. She knew how he felt and it would be enough, for eternity. Her thoughts were interrupted by Harm’s curse.

“Damn.”

“What?”

“There is never any mistletoe when you need it.”

“Shoot, I knew I forgot something,”

For a moment they fell quiet just staring at each other. All around the apartment their friends where laughing, talking and eating. Someone had found a Christmas CD and music filled the room as Harm took a step closer. Little A.J. tried out the construction material that Santa had given him as Mac tilted her head. Tiner spilled red wine on Jen’s dress as Harm cupped Mac’s face. As every one was focussing on Jen’s dress and the proper way to get the wine out Harm lowered his lips to Mac’s.

“No, no, not water. You have to put salt on it.”

“That’s right, Jen. The salt will absorb the red.”

“Mac where do you keep your kitchen salt?_____”

THE END.

Everyone froze as they took in the sight before them. The Colonel and the Commander involved in a slow but passionate kiss, oblivious to the rest of the world. When they finally broke apart Harm rested his head against hers and whispered.

“Forever Mac.”

Their friends let out a collective sigh.

“Forever.”

(Second end.)

Don’t get ahead of yourself colonel, we’ll get to that when the clock strikes one.