Life goes on

Sometimes life goes on without you or the one you love.

*Starts Pre sixth season. Brumby is back in Washington. Mac is still with him and Harm is still ‘seeing’ Renee.

Since Brumby’s return Harm and Mac haven’t gotten along. The Admiral even assigned them separate cases. Mac is just about to wrap up her investigation as the story starts. First some personal things need taken care of.

I don’t own jag or any of its characters.

LIFE GOES ON

October 20th 2000

“Do you have a moment?” For the last ten minutes she had been standing in the doorway watching him. He was writing some report, looking back and forth from his computer and his notepad. He looked tired, she thought. She wondered if there was anything troubling him. There were times when she’d known about it. Times when he’d shared things like that with her. Not now. They hardly spoke when they were at work, let alone………Well, there were things that needed to be said before it was too late.

“I’m sorry, what?” Harm said looking up. He had been so caught up in his work he hadn’t noticed her. Mac. She looked tired, her colour was off, and there was a sadness reflecting in her eyes. But she was still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen..

‘Why was she here? Never mind why. Just her being there, with him, was enough. Ever since Sydney, things had changed between them. Or was it before then? Maybe….. Nah….Maybe things changed when he’d gone back to flying. Yeah, things HAD changed then. Because of Brumby.’

He should’ve taken his chance on that ferry… How many times had he beaten himself up over that? At the time he thought he HAD time. But when she had accepted Mic's ring, he realized he didn’t. Then Brumby had shown up at the Surface Warfare Ball!

Harm had been surprised, shocked, then angry. Angry with himself, but taking it out on Mac, things had gone from bad to worse.

“I was wondering” she said softly “Do you have a moment?”

She was half expecting him to blow up in her face again or send her of with some fake excuse, not caring enough to make it sound even plausible.

‘This might be my chance to fix things, to at least get our friendship back on track’ Harm thought.

“Sure” he smiled.

Mac closed the door. Harm raised his eyebrows in surprise and she caught that.

“I wanted to talk to you,….privately” she explained.

Harm nodded ”sit down” he said offering her a chair.

“No thank you” She said, nervously looking around to find some object to focus on.

This was going to be so hard. She didn’t know where to start. All she knew was that it had to be done. Now. She had waited too long as it was.

Harm stood too. Watching her face with concern. She looked nervous. Was her lower lip trembling?

Having found her focus point in a picture on the wall she went on. “I just wanted to talk to you. There is something I need to tell you”

Harm felt his heart beginning to pick up speed. He had a nagging feeling he knew what she was going to say.

“You are the best friend I’ve ever had, Harm. I…..I just wish….” She swallowed, looking for words. THAT what she wanted to say she couldn’t. She hurt inside but wasn’t allowed to show him any of that. Fear and doubts of her decision raced through her mind. It was too late. The decision had been made. Suck it up marine, she told herself.

“I mean we haven’t been that good of friends lately. Now I know you don’t like Mic but….

he really loves me…. He wants the same things I do out of life….”

“Mac” Harm interrupted “I….I just don’t trust him”

“He is a good man, Harm”

“Do you love him?” Harm asked, not wanting to know the answer.

She had been looking at him when he interrupted, but now she turned back to the picture.

“Yes” she forced out.

Harm closed his eyes taking in her reply.

“Can he make you happy?” he tried.

Now looking at the floor she said “I think he can. Harm, he wouldn’t hurt me. He loves me”

Harm didn’t doubt Mic’s feelings for Sarah anymore. He had seen him looking at her. Rabb just didn’t like the guy! He didn’t like him touching his partner, his friend, ….his Sarah.

“I don’t like him!” he decided on.

She turned and walked towards him. Looking him straight in the eyes she pleaded:

“I don’t want to fight with you any more Harm”

“Neither do I, I just want you to be happy”

Tears welled up in her eyes. She didn’t care anymore whether he saw them or not, and let them flow.

“I am” she lied the first . “I just miss YOU, our friendship”

He saw in her eyes the same pain he felt inside. He wrapped his arms around her tightly.

She totally lost herself in his embrace. Both were holding on to each other like there was no tomorrow.

In Sarah’s case THAT was exactly how she felt. And she was savouring every word, touch, and scent like it was the last chance she’d have to experience this.

“I’ve missed you too Sarah” Harm whispered in her hair. It felt so good holding her again. Forget Renee, this was the woman he loved. He loved Sarah Mackenzie!

Startled by his discovery, it just popped out: “I love you”

Tears running freely over her face, she looked up. There were tears in his eyes too.

She knew she shouldn’t.

“I love you too Harm”

At that, Harm leaned over and softly placed his lips on hers. It only lasted a couple of seconds, but it left her dizzy.

“Good luck Sarah. But if he ever hurts you….I’ll…”

She closed her eyes briefly and tried to smile at him. “I know Harm” she whispered.

Mac tightened their embrace once more, then they both let go. Their eyes locked.

They were saying goodbye. They knew it, but neither knew exactly what was to come.

She backed away. His hand holding on to hers till she was out of reach.

“So we’re okay? Still friends?” He asked.

“Always” she smiled sadly.

Harm watched her exit his office. She didn’t turn around. He walked to the door to catch a last glimpse of her walking towards the elevator. To his dismay Brumby was waiting for her.

What Harm couldn’t see from his office were the tired, red eyes in the unshaven face of the Australian. He looked absolutely miserable. Mac felt his pain just looking at him.

He took her hand and kissed it. Neither wanted to talk. There was nothing left to say. Everything had been said the night before. Mac didn’t know what was harder. Telling Mic or not telling Harm. She turned to look back and saw Harm still standing there, looking at her. Harm…A pain shot through her and she had to turn back to Mic.

“Go on without me”

“I’ll try, not like I have a choice.” Mic mumbled sadly.

The colonel took the elevator down. When she looked across the hall she noticed Brumby . Was he waiting for her? Mac understood and felt sorry for him. While walking past him she unnoticeably touched his hand, immediately letting go again.

She walked out into the parking lot trying to suppress her tears. Mic followed her, hoping against hope that he could change things. Wanting to tell her once more that he loved her, he called out her name.

“Sarah !” She stopped and turned around.

He didn’t know that if he hadn’t, she would have noticed the black Dodge parked across the street.

A.J. HAD noticed the car thirty minutes earlier. Except for JAG headquarters there wasn’t much reason to be in this street. Maybe someone just stopped to make a phone call or something. After a phone call with the secnav A.J. got up from behind his desk and turned to look out his window. The black car was still there.

“Tiner ! Get Galindez in here ASAP!”

He was going to get the gunny to check the car out. He had a bad feeling about it. He started to check for anything out of the ordinary. There was nothing except for that car. The JAG parking lot seemed fine, the security booth looked fine, Mac walking to her car….also ‘fine’.

He frowned upon his own thought, wanted to laugh it off. But then he caught a glimpse of something coming out the car’s window. Pointing in the direction of Colonel Mackenzie was a semi-automatic handgun.

“Sweet Jesus! Mac!”

Harm had had a headache ever since Mac left his office and he saw Brumby kissing her hand.

When he was hit by a sudden wave of nausea, he decided to go sulk at home. Just as he grabbed his briefcase he heard the shots. He quickened his pass out into the bullpen.

“Did you hear tha…” his excited worried question was cut off.

“Damn it ! No!!” the admirals voice carried through the office. He stormed into the bullpen and screamed “Singer. Ambulance! Mac has been shot! NOW !!”

His words hit Harm like a full speed locomotive. It left him senseless for a moment. But he quickly gathered his thoughts and got into action. ’Mac! I’ve got to get to Mac!’ was running through his head.

The admiral was halfway down the stairs when Harm got into action, but he soon passed his superior. “Where!!” he yelled, “parking lot!” was the reply.

‘Mac, shot!’ his heartbeat was taking on the speed of that of a Hummingbird. ‘It has to be a mistake’ he thought as he ran out into the lot. He immediately saw that is wasn’t.

Mac never saw it coming. She turned when she heard Mic calling her name. At that moment Mic saw the car window roll down. Trying to fix his earlier mistake of calling her he yelled:

“Behind you!”

She startled but turned anyway. She couldn’t avoid the bullets now. Three hit her straight in the chest, two in her abdomen. She dropped to the concrete, blood oozing from her body. She had trouble breathing and everything was spinning. Voices echoed through her head, she couldn’t focus. Brumby was hovering over her. Trying to comfort her, though his face showed absolute terror.

A crowd soon formed. Spectators, people she worked with looking on with horror.

The commander followed by the admiral pushed their way through. Harm wanted to sit with her, hold her hand, will her back to health. He kneeled down beside her. She was still conscious. Brumby was holding her hand with one and stroking her hair with the other, constantly whispering to her. She is his fiancée, it was his place to do that. In spite of all the pain and fear Harm was feeling, he felt he shouldn’t interfere in their moment.

“Come on baby, hold on. Everything is gonna be OK. Doctors can fix anything these days.”

She squeezed his hand, as a wave of pain hit her. Panic showed in her eyes as she managed to whisper through her heavy breaths.

“It hurts” tears rolled down her cheeks. Harm’s stomach turned.

“I know, darling, hold on, it won’t be long” Mic whispered back realizing the inevitable.

Harm could see her slipping away. “Come on Mac! You got to fight this! “ he pleaded, despair evident in his voice.

She slowly turned towards him, she tried to raise her hand. He took it. She just stared at him, the obvious pain she was in stabbing Harm in the heart.

“Come on Mac!” he yelled at her.

“I..never…thought it..would…be this way..”

“No! Suck it up MARINE” he still yelled.

“Not..this time..Harm” she cried as the ambulance drove up.

She turned to Mic “I guess this is it…”

He couldn’t respond.

Harm was pushed out of the way as the paramedics took over. Everything happened so fast. Medical terms were yelled back and forth and before Harm could blink they had her loaded into the ambulance and raced out of the parking lot.

The admiral had managed to find out what hospital they were taken her to.

“Come on son” he said to Harm who was standing there in a daze. “Come on son, let’s go” He tried again. The second time Harm responded.

A.J. drove to the hospital, slightly speeding, not going fast enough for Harm. Harms head was spinning. He had done it again. He should have told her how he felt, while he still had the chance. He kept seeing all that blood. Some of her blood had even gotten on his uniform when he sat down by her side. He let his finger trace it, it was still wet.

She HAD to be OK, she just had to be. He had been afraid of loosing her to Mic, but never had the thought occurred to him that he would loose her like THIS. The thought of losing the one person he loved more than anything made his stomach turn again.

When they got to the ER they found a miserable Mic Brumby.

“Anything?”

“They’re still working on her”

Harm felt obligated to be civil to the Australian he disliked so much. Maybe not just obligation. It was clear that Brumby hurt just as much as Harm himself. Harm tried to focus on Brumby, telling himself that he had to be there for the poor bastard. He was distancing himself from his own feelings for, and his worries about, Mac. He couldn’t let people know how he felt. It wouldn’t be professional….When Diane had died he carried out the investigation…couldn’t show his emotions then either. Harm knew full well that this had a much greater impact on him…this was Mac! But he couldn’t let himself go there again. Once she’d be out of the hospital he was going to tell her…Not now, this wasn’t the time…..

An hour past, Bud had come. They all sat in the waiting room, a deafening silence surrounding them. Each in their own thoughts when finally a doctor walked up to them.

“Mackenzie?” They all got up.

“I’m her fiancé” Mic said.

“Sir, I’m sorry. We did the best we could, but there was just too much internal bleeding”

The doctor went on telling about the injuries and attempted procedures, but Harm didn’t hear any of that. He couldn’t believe it…what was he saying? Harm couldn’t make out his own thoughts let alone the doctors clinical relay of the earlier events in the ER. He just tuned in and heard the doctors last words.

“She died at six O ten . Would you like to say goodbye ?”

The admiral swallowed and pressed his lips together. Bud took his face in his hands and cried, Mic asked the doctor another question while some tears fell on his shirt, and Harm just stood there. His mind trying to make sense out of all that had happened. Slowly realization hit him.

His knees gave in, he fell against the wall and support bar. He couldn’t swallow, and he felt like he couldn’t breath. His face was ash gray, and the muscles in his face jerked nervously.

But, no tears.

Mic was lead to ER3. There her body lay on the table. Blood on the floor, a blood soaked sheet covering her. He walked towards her.

The admiral had recovered from the first shock and noticed Harm. He looked like his life’s essence had been drained from him. “ think we need to say goodbye ,son”

“Yeah, see her” he forced out, his emotionless response not hiding anything from A.J.

They stopped in the doorway. Brumby was standing next to the operating table, he reached to lift the sheet of her face. He realized what he saw, still he couldn’t hold back his emotions anymore. He cried aloud, calling out her name. A.J. had to hold back his own tears.

Harm hadn’t seen Mic’s outburst. He had taken one step into the ER, it had looked like a war zone. Blood everywhere, HER blood! Then Brumby lifted the sheet and there she was……

Completely still, white, beautiful, lifeless, Sarah….

He felt dizzy, a deep excruciating pain seemed to be going through his heart, his face went from ash gray to a greenish yellow as his stomach twirled. He wasn’t thinking any rational thoughts, yet he managed to hold on to the support bar and find his way to the head.

Bud had witnessed this and called for the admiral. Together they hastened after Harm.

The tall Commander’s body pushed open ,or rather fell through, the door of one of the empty stalls, immediately emptying his stomach’s contents. His body kept convulsing even though there was nothing left to bring up. He then dropped to the floor. Whispering her name “Sarah”.

Bud took Harm home, he would have stayed to make sure the Commander wouldn’t do something stupid, were it not for Harriet and little A.J. The Admiral went to give a statement to the police about the afternoon events. Mic insisted on coming along. He said he wanted to tell everything now that it was still fresh in his mind. ‘Right, like he was ever going to forget!’

“I want to get the bastards who’ve done this, and make them pay!”

Harm wasn’t planning to do anything stupid. He wasn’t planning anything. He just sat on his bed, nothing registering. Not even Renee coming in. Not even when she started to rant.

“Bud called me, I’m so sorry, you want to talk? You have to talk, I mean it is good to talk. About this, if you’re ready. If you want to talk about it, about her. If you want….do you? I mean you were close right? Oh…you must feel horrible…... Come here hon.”

Renee obviously wasn’t good at this, she tried, but she was dead nervous. It was all lost on Harm. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close.

“ I am really so sorry, I know what she meant to you” That one got through to him, and he looked at her, searching her eyes. Did she?

SHE, of course didn’t, not really. “Doesn’t this make you realize there is no time like the present?” she went on.

Harm stared at her with a blank expression on his face. The expression didn’t show what he was feeling on the inside, thoughts running through his mind, like Disney opened a new roller coaster ride in his brain and he couldn’t get out, thoughts of Mac.

“Harm, we’re not in Washington, we’re not even on the same continent”

“Location doesn’t change who we are”

“Most men would disagree with you.”

“I know, I disagree with me sometimes too”

“But you still can’t let go.”

“Not yet..”

“You’re just this way with me aren’t you?”

“Only with you”

“I guess I should be flattered.”

“You should Sarah….”

The next day Harm went to work as usual. Nothing usual about today. There was an eerie atmosphere hanging in the office. People only talked when necessary, and then only whispering. Harm entering the bullpen made everyone quit their activities and stare at him.

Once Harm was in his office Gunny went straight to admiral Chegwidden.

“What the hell are you doing here Commander?” His tone was soft and friendly.

“I’m working sir, I’ve got some paperwork to finish and the Fowler case is set for next week.

And with Mac gone……..” he froze, realizing what he’d just said. He pulled himself together and continued, “I mean she was working on some cases, someone will have to take over and I’ll be more than willing to….”

The admiral sighed “ Go home, son, take some ti_”

“ I don’t need time!” Harm almost yelled “ All I want, is to know WHY. Why is my partner dead? Wasn’t she working on something big?”

“Now hold on commander, the police are investigating this case…”

“Mac isn’t a case..!” Now he WAS yelling! “Since when do we just let the police handle things? We’ve never done that when it came to one of our own! And Mac..”

“Relax commander!” A.J. was standing close using his authority. He did soften his tone after that.” I called Webb and he said he’ll do everything he can.”

“WEBB?! I don’t know what’s worse!”

“Excuse me,” the familiar Australian accent came from the door.

Both men turned to look at him in surprise. Brumby had dark lines under his eyes, he hadn’t slept. Harm immediately focused his concern on Mic.

“How are you holding up?”

“Trying to keep busy” Mic responded.

“Yeah, I know..” Harm admitted.

This little interaction between the two adversaries was more one of old friends. One of total understanding.

“Are you taking care of the..eh….?”

“Yeah, she had some things written down, just in case” Mic said.

“Can you use some help..eh ..support…I mean…I would like to….”

“I would appreciate that mate.”

_________________________________________________________________________

Mac died on Tuesday. Her funeral was 42 hours and fifty minutes later. Harm had to stop to think and count the hours. Sarah would have just known, down to the second even! Forty two hours and fifty minutes….it had seemed so much longer. Harm realized he still didn’t know how she did that,.. tell time the way she did.

“What time is it?”

“East coast, Moscow, or Zulu?”

“Moscow will do.”

“05:25”

“Doesn’t the time difference throw you of?”

“Nope, although daylight savings makes me think twice.”

**

“How do you do that!?”

“It’s a marine thing”

Harm smiled at the thought of her. He had tried not thinking about her but at times when he was alone he felt like she was there with him. Sometimes he would have sworn she was. Her scent still surrounding him. At night, when he was tossing and turning. That moment when he was between sleep and awake ness he even saw her, he talked to her. She’d smile at him and just when he was convinced she was there, just when he started to tell her what he should have done so many times before, she’d disappear into thin air.

Harm was lost in thoughts. He hadn’t noticed the other mourners leaving the gravesite. Bud escorting a very pregnant Harriet back to their car. Even Mic had gone.

It was a small military funeral. But plenty of people had shown up. People from work, Chloe and her father, Some friends Harm ’d never seen before, some in uniform other civilian, Renee, John Farrow, even Webb whose investigation wasn’t getting anywhere, and of course Mic. At the moment Harm didn’t remember the service or the people he had spoken. It would all come back to him later.

In total silence except for the wind teasing the leaves, he was now the only one standing next to her grave. The grave in which he had just seen the casket been lowered. Inside….his partner, his friend, the woman he loved. He imagined her laying peacefully on the silk sheeting, wondering what she was wearing. Mic had arranged this part of the funeral. Harm wished he had gone with Mic when he went to pick out a dress or suit. He wished he’d gone with him to the funeral home to say goodbye one final time. He hadn’t been able to at the hospital. Yet another regret……………missed opportunities.

The wind had picked up, dark clouds had filled the sky without Harm noticing. As rain started to pour from the clouds Renee came running up to him with an umbrella. She had been horribly sweet and understanding these last days. It was totally against her character, although her compassion was real.

Renee drove Harm back to his apartment. He hadn’t said a word to her, he just stared out into the rainy streets. So Renee babbled on and on about some video she was shooting, hoping he would listen to her just a little bit.

Harm was totally oblivious of her rambling. She stopped talking when she parked the car in front of his building. On cue, he got out and went inside. He waited for the elevator.

Renee wanted to comfort him, make him confide in her, make him come back to her.

She saw him leaning against the wall. His hands and head against the concrete, like he was holding on for balance. It was no use.

“Harm?” He looked back, surprised to see her still there.

“You don’t have to come with me” he said slightly annoyed when she got on the elevator with him.

He looked so tired, his eyes small and dull, his whole demeanour. Nothing left resembling the cocky sailor she dated.

“I just want to know if you’re okay”

“I’M FINE, Renee!”

“You don’t look it, let me take care of you tonight huh, make you feel so much better.” She drawled

“I’ll be fine, Renee, I’ll call ya okay?” he said ignoring her hinted come-on.

Before she could object he entered his apartment, closing the door behind him. He heard Renee call out: ” Okay, I’ll come by tomorrow!”

He made it. He made it through this day, without losing his composure, without letting on how he really felt about the woman they buried. But why?

It was only a few seconds after Renee’s voice had faded when he collapsed against the door. His knees gave in and he sank to the floor. He finally started crying. He couldn’t deny the excruciating sense of loss he was feeling anymore. He cried, his mouth opened to let all the pain out, but there was nothing, no cries, no sound. When there was less than no air left in his lungs, he gasped for a large breath of air, then he finally let go, letting out a heart braking cry of pain.

“What am I going to do?”

Through his tears he suddenly noticed her standing in front of his kitchen counter where they’d shared many vintage mineral waters together. She looked just like in his last ‘vision’ though her clothes looked ‘foreign’. He wanted to see her more clearly, but the tears kept coming.

She looked sad, was she crying? Harm was too drained to make himself stop crying.

Slowly, hesitantly she came closer till she was at arms length of Harm.

“Please don’t cry Harm” she pleaded, her tears now obvious.

“Sarah” She seemed so real!

“I had to see you Harm”

“I miss you so much it hurts” he whispered through his tears.

“Harm, please, look at me” He WAS looking at her, but he could only see blurry images through his tears.

“I love you Sarah” his voice shaky.

“I know, oh God! I’m so sorry, I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt you, but it wasn’t my decision. I’m so sorry.”

Focussing on her voice he managed to push back the tears. …so real…

“I’m going to get the bastards who did this to you”

“No, Harm, you don’t have to do that. That’s also why I’m here.”

This isn’t good he thought. She isn’t really here. He closed his eyes, half hoping to still see her after he opened them again, half expecting her to have disappeared, forcing him to except the reality of her death.

“I’m still here Harm” she whispered. Slowly he opened his eyes. Why not give in to this fantasy?

“I wish I could hold you in my arms”

“You can, but first I need to explai……”

At Harms’ soft “ It’s not the same” she stopped and realised that she hadn’t convinced him yet.

“You don’t think I’m really here” she stated, her voice trembling “I AM, I’m not dead.”

Harms eyes widened at that and he pushed himself up against the door. Now standing, he could see her do the same.

“You are just my imagination”

“No” she said moving closer.

Maybe that drink after the funeral wasn’t such a good idea. After all he hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday.

“I am here” as she spoke she ran her fingers over his jaw. Then she took his hand, guiding him to touch her face. “Can you feel me?”

When she had first caressed his face, he’d felt a burst of energy shoot through his body, suddenly reanimating him. The past few days he had felt nothing but numbness and indifference. Till tonight, first all the pain surfaced and now….as she took his hands to her face and he felt her soft warm skin, all purpose, all feeling came back to him. She was alive!

His voice hoarse and filled with tears of happiness in his eyes he answered her. “Yes”

He took her lead and ran his fingers over her lips. As one hand stroked her cheek, he ran his other hand through her dark hair. Then he moved both hands to cup her face. His eyes searching hers. She stared back at him..

From that moment on there was nothing but them. Her death, Mic , Renee, forgotten.

He leaned down to kiss her. She tilted her head slightly. Their lips brushed against each other. And again. Harm closed his eyes. He felt her warm breath as his lips again graced hers. When he opened them again he could see the tears flowing down her cheeks, confusion in her eyes, happiness and sadness battleling against defeat.

“I’m sorry” He said reluctantly pulling away from her.

“No, Harm please. Don’t pull away now.” She pleaded.

Mac pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around him. Feeling her warm body against him, holding her close, safe in his arms, Harm was engulfed by a wave of pure joy. Not ever wanting it to end he squeezed her even closer. She gasped for air and cried out in pain.

“Sarah?” He asked worried.

“I’m okay, careful though, I was shot remember.” She joked to lighten the mood.

“I hurt you.” He said looking past her.

“You didn’t mean to.” She said, unsure if he meant her injuries. “I need to tell you what happened, I need you to understand.”

“You don’t need to…”

“I do Harm, and you need to hear it. Please I don’t have much time.”

The previous Monday.

23:36 est.

Mac’s apartment

She sat on her couch dazed. The last three hours she had listened to Webb saying there was no other way. She had listened to Mic rant about how he would protect her. “No worries.” She had listened and now tried to come up with an alternative. But she couldn’t.

She had to face the fact that Webb was right.

“When?” She whispered.

“As soon as possible. These people mean business, Mac. You already scared a lot of their clients off with this investigation and they will not allow you to spread the word on them once your case is over. “

“Come on Webb, you can’t seriously mean this is bigger than the agency, can you. Sarah knows who they are, why don’t YOU bring them down?!”

“We can’t, Their are rumours that there are sympathizers in the agency, PLUS…….there is word that there is a prize on Mac’s head already. SHE is not safe!”

“Clay, if you make me disappear, won’t they go after my friends?”

“They probably would, and that’s why WE will kill you, collect the bounty and get a man on the inside as a bonus!” Clay stated, obviously proud of the brilliance of it all. “We’ll settle you some place far away, different name, different job, looks…etc. etc.”

“When will this be settled? I mean….When will she be allowed to come back home?” Mic asked.

Mac looked up at him, a look of defeat in her eyes. “Never.” She whispered. “I won’t ever be allowed to come back home.”

Mic twirled around and grabbed Webb by his shirt. “You son of a bitch! You said before she would be safe, you said it would only take a couple of months! You said…..” Mic’s voice trailed of and he was desperately trying to gain control. “And now you say she will have to die and leave every thing behind…forever.” He turned back to Mac. “I am going with you! I can’t let you go.” His first tears rolled down his cheeks.

Mac looked at Webb for confirmation. “Brumby, we can’t arrange that for two people on such short notice AND not make them suspicious, I’m sorry.”

Harm was looking out the window as she finished. “Brumby knew” He marveled. “He is either a very good actor or he loved you even more than I thought.”

“He does, Harm. And because of that he almost messed the whole thing up by waiting for me and calling me back….that’s why I wasn’t allowed to tell you. Clay was afraid you’d try some heroics and ‘fuck it all up’. I tend to agree, you would never have let me go.”

“You’re right. I would have tried everything before coming to this conclusion. And I will now, I can’t let you go, not now I know you are alive, I figured out these last days that there is something worse then seeing you with Mic. I can’t live without you!” He pulled her into his arms again careful not to crush her injured ribs. “I love you Sarah.” He whispered in her hair.

She looked up at him, her brown eyes pleading with him to understand she felt the same. He leaned down to kiss her and she met him half way. They clung together, passion rising, and they only parted for the need of oxygen. “I want you Mac.” Harm whispered between kisses.

“You‘ve got me, harm. You always will.”

The next morning

05:48

The sound of the door closing hardly registered with Sarah. She lay against Harms body. Her head resting on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Feeling his warm body and arms against her she felt safe, protected, …loved. Loved by Harm. This felt so right, exactly as it should. Laying there she forgot everything that had happened before this perfect moment.

Happy but exhausted she drifted off to sleep until she finally became aware of a third person being in the room when she heard a soft curse. Still half asleep her first thought was: ‘Renee!’

But this was a mans voice. Trying to make sense of it. “Mic?” she whispered as she slid from Harms hands.

One look at the face of the man standing before her, and all the events of this last week came flooding back at once, overwhelming her so that she even forgot to cover herself. She saw in his eyes the reality she had to face. She wanted to wake Harm, back out of the deal she had made.

‘MADE ?’ It was forced on her! If she’d had more time to contemplate the long term effects on her life, she would probably not have agreed with this hideous plan. It was cruel, pure torture to all involved. Really dying suddenly didn’t seem so bad. At least the pain her friends had felt would have been just, and Harm……oh God….Harm, he was a mess. Thinking back to last night she couldn’t hold back the tears.

He still stood there. His hands on his hips, shaking his head. “ I knew it” he hissed “I told myself ‘No, she’s a marine, a professional, she wouldn’t do something so stupid and dangerous.’ But I knew it, deep down I knew! You know who also knew? Your Fiancé!” His voice grew louder as he spoke.

Mac looked at Harm as he stirred. “Webb, I …I….I HAD to. I couldn’t…..you didn’t tell me he was this bad….and I am the cause” She wiped away some of her tears.

Webb’s face had softened as he looked at her. He too had been surprised at Harm’s disability to handle this, and her pain was also obvious. But what she had done was stupid. It could get her killed, and Harm knowing could jeopardize the entire project. As he voiced those last thoughts aloud, she interrupted. “ I think Harm wouldn’t have rested till he found out who, how and why.”

“He would have had to drop it eventually, he still will…….I’ve got a team in the hall. There will be no trace of you ever having been here.”

She swallowed hard. She had to think of something! “Give me a couple of minutes to get dressed.” She whispered.

As Webb stepped out into the hall Mac turned back to Harm, sound asleep. Carefully she ran her fingers through his hair. Tears were forming again. She pulled herself back together and quickly got out of bed. As much as she hated this, it had to be done. For his sake as well as hers, and before she could change her mind.

After a couple of minutes Clayton Webb stuck his head around the door to check if she was dressed. She was sitting on one of the bar stools. Her red eyes staring into nothingness.

Webb motioned behind him and three men entered Harms apartment.

Glancing at Harm sprawled on top of his bed, the first man asked “Did you get all your stuff, ma’m?” “Yes” “Is there anything you used while you were here?” “No,..yes….water….the glasses are over there” she answered softly.

The guy looked at her, looked back to the bedroom while one of the others took care of the glasses. Gesturing with his hand to Harm he asked again “anything else you two used, ma’m?”

“NO! I already tol……” Suddenly she realised what he was asking her. “No” she whispered, her cheeks flushing. Seeing those strangers go through Harms apartment inch by inch, making all evidence of last night, the most intimate experience of her live, disappear made her give in to her tears.

They were swift and efficient, nothing left unchecked, and within twenty minutes they were done. Mac crying through the last 15. “Let’s go” Webb said in a soft tone.

“No, I have to say goodbye” she sobbed. “Okay, but you can not wake him” Webb stressed, gesturing his team to leave.

Slowly she walked up the steps to his bedroom. Closing her eyes she could still feel him, taste him. She squeezed her lips at the thought of him entering her, his hands caressing every inch of her body, the look in his eyes…..

As she got closer to his sleeping form she could hear his steady breathing. She’d fallen asleep listening to it, letting it sooth her, feeling absolutely safe. She carefully sat next to him on the bed, feeling his warmth, taking her back to the night before once again. She caressed his face, etching it all in her memory. When she leaned in to kiss him, some tears fell on his face making him stir. She softly kissed away the tears. “I’m sorry Harm” she whispered. She brushed her lips to his , once again taking in his taste and scent. “I love you” she whispered in his ear, tears still flowing.

As she tried to pull herself together, and gathering all her strength to actually get up and leave him behind, she noticed a stray hair on the sleeve of her shirt. Unmistakeably hers. She glanced back to Webb. He had his back to her, in order to give them some privacy. She pretended to rub off a chill, never taking her eyes off of Webb.

It had worked the hair lay in the center of the pillow, Harm couldn’t miss it.

As Webb started towards her, she placed a kiss on her finger tips, then softly brushing them to Harms warm lips. “Goodbye”

Clayton Webb wasn’t ignorant of the pain and despair in her eyes. In fact he felt for her, just like he had done for Harm these last days. But he wasn’t going to let his own feelings, or theirs, cock up this arrangement, having one of them really die and then being blamed for it!

This alone was enough reason and he didn’t need to remind himself of the case Mac was involved in……the one that had started all this.

He saw her wipe away some of her tears. ‘I am such a softy’ he thought to himself. He averted his eyes. He just couldn’t bare to see her like this. “Let’s go.” He said again, giving her a nudge in the right direction. When she slowly turned, his eyes came upon a foreign object on one of Harm’s pillows. Immediately he realised what it was, who’d put it there, why and what had to be done about it. Un noticeably he removed the hair and carefully put it in his pocket, keeping his hand tightly around it to make sure he wouldn’t loose it. Their could be NO evidence of her ever having been there.

Quietly the CIA agent and the former lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie left Harms apartment.

It was still dark outside. She had no idea what time it was, she couldn’t think, she could barely keep her knees from giving in.

In the alley an unmarked car waited to take her to her new life. Clayton Webb vowed to himself that he would make sure she’d be alright.

November 25th 2000

“She’s beautiful, Harriet.” Harm said softly while the baby grabbed his index finger.

“Thank you,” Harriet smiled “eh, Sir..” Harm didn’t seem to be listening. “Commander?”

Harm looked up at her from where he was bent over the baby. “I’m sorry what?”

“We, Bud and I have been thinking about this for a very long time, even before the Colonel…” She trailed of when she noticed the pain in his eyes as she mentioned Mac. “We would like to call her Sarah, since she was such an important part of our lives.”

Harm nodded while fighting back tears, “That would be perfect, Harriet. Mac would love that.” He tried to smile but it was obvious to the younger couple that the mention of their friend still caused a lot of pain.

Roberts residence

May 18th 2004

Harm had bounded with Bud and Harriet’s daughter from day one. Maybe it was her name, maybe it was the fact that he longed for his own children, but Sarah was special to Harm, and he spend a lot of time with her. Sometimes he took A.J. and Sarah to the park, other times he’d take the little girl for the weekend so Bud and Harriet could spend some quality time with each other or A.J. He had become their number one baby sitter. Which worried Harriet sometimes. Harm needed to get out, move on with his life. Burying himself in their family wouldn’t do him any good in the end.

“He doesn’t look very well, does he.” Bud mentioned to his wife. “At least he is shaving again.” “Made him look like a cave man, that beard did.” Harriet commented. “But he did put on some weight again, thankfully. I’m worried about him.” They stood watching him from the kitchen where 8 five year olds where cutting out all kinds of shapes and animal forms from the cookie dough. Uncle Mikey trying to make sure they didn’t eat all of the dough before it went into the oven.

Sarah had made her share of cookies and got tired. Harm took her to the den to read to her.

The very hungry caterpillar, Sarah’s favorite. But before Harm had reached ‘Thursday’, she had fallen asleep. Running around with her big brother’s friends all morning had finally gotten the best of her. Harriet came over and was startled by the sight before her. Her daughter was napping peacefully in the arms of her friend, nothing unfamiliar there, but she had never seen Harm cry before. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. When he noticed her and looked up she saw the pained expression on his face.

“Why don’t I take her upstairs, so you can have some time_” Harriet said softly.

“No, please. Let me just hold her a little while.” He interrupted.

Harriet nodded and turned back to the rowdy party guests in the kitchen. Halfway there she changed her mind. “Harm, are you okay?”

He tried to smile at her concern. “No.” Came the whispered reply.

“Is this about the colonel?” Harriet knew he usually closed up at the mere mention of Mac, but after three and a half years…..who knew, maybe he needed to talk. Immediately she regretted her question thinking about the last months when Harm wasn’t talking to his mother because, as he so nicely put it. ‘She just wouldn’t leave me the hell alone, all the meddling and pushing, none of her fucking business!’

Harriet had never heard him cuss before and to hear him do it in the office was an even bigger shock. He had been walking a thin line with the admiral as it was. His appearance had been below standard, and his performance had been mediocre at best. Still Harriet felt for her friend. This wouldn’t have happened if Mac hadn’t died. So seeing that Mac was the primary reason behind Harm’s pain, she decided to wait for his answer. Still she was surprised to get one.

*”Is this about the colonel?” *

“Isn’t everything.” He said dully. Not really an answer, but an honest reply.

“Does the fact that she was named after her bother you?”

“No, it just reminds me of all the things she is missing out on.” New tears began to fall.

Harriet sat down on the coffee table in front of him. She didn’t know how to reply and felt her own tears threaten.

“She won’t ever get to see how wonderful this little girl is.” Harm paused. “She wanted kids of her own so badly.”

“Right, maybe by now she and Mic would have__” She scolded herself for being so thoughtless as Harm cut in.

“NO, not with him, I don’t think it would have come to that.”

Glad that she hadn’t angered him with the mention of Brumby’s name she ventured further.

“You wanted it to be you. You and her.?”

Harm smiled sadly. “I thought we’d have time. But we didn’t ….and I’ll never be able to keep my end of the deal.”

“Sir?” Harriet’s confused look made him smile a little.

“Today’s the day. If she’d been here.”

Harriet still didn’t follow and was glad that he went on without her urging.

“When you gave birth to A.J. We were happy for you, but Mac was also a little sad. She wanted a family of her own and all the people she was close to seemed to be leaving her. Chloe, ME. We talked a little and we made a deal. Five years from that moment, if neither of us was in a relationship, we’d go halves on a kid.”

Harriet’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out. She was shocked, amazed and slightly amused that two otherwise intelligent people had made such a silly deal instead of coming out with their feelings for each other. But then she registered what he said. “Oh gosh” she whispered. “This is when you would have….made good on the deal.”

“I would have, if she hadn’t been taken from me.” He said bitterly.

“Sir,….Harm, I’m sorry but ..I think you should let her go. Move on with your life, she loved you, she would have wanted you to be happy. Find someone you want to have that family with.”

Harm knew Harriet only said these things because she cared. “I’m trying.” He sighed “But it is so damn hard!”

Trying to move the conversation to a more positive place, “Come on Harm, You are still an attractive man, I am sure you still turn some heads.”

Harm looked at her incredulously. “STILL?. thanks a lot, some friend you are.”

He snorted “still.”

She giggled at his response. “I said you still turn heads. You should go out and find out”

“Yes Lieutenant , I will have you know that I have been out, and I did meet someone.”

Harriet’s turn to be shocked again. “When?!”

“Couple of months ago.” He sobered. “ But like I said. It’s hard. We are taking things slow.”

Harm’s expression changed indicating the conversation was over.

“Why don’t I put her down now?”

May 3thrd 2005

Trish Burnet was checking on some work done by an artist she had heard much about. After that she would go home. She was running late, Harm would probably already be there. It had been months since she had spoken to him, even longer since she’d last seen him. He would respond to the messages she left on his answering machine or with his girlfriend, but he always called when she wasn’t home, as if he was avoiding her.

Maybe she had pushed him too far last year. He had been real down after his partner died and he just didn’t seem to get out of it. He buried himself with work, didn’t go out or spend time with his friends, didn’t take care of himself at all. After seeing her son go from bad to worse for over two years she decided to call the Admiral. Harm wouldn’t talk to her, but maybe his C.O. could get though to him. It had worked, A.J. HAD gotten through to him, but Harm had been angry beyond believe at her for going behind his back, and last year, at Easter he had shown just how angry he was at her. Trish realized it was her own fault, she had deliberately tried to anger him in the hopes of him letting go and sharing some of his feelings with her. But when she compared his current girlfriend to Mac she had gone too far.

Not really paying attention to the artwork her eyes fell on a little girl who reminded her of Harm when he was little. Trish stared at the little girl who noticed and took cover behind her mother’s legs while the latter was inquiring about the restrooms. But she sneaked a peek and even smiled at Trish.

Harm had gone through a shy period when he was three, he would smile just like that. Trish indulged herself a little wishful thinking. Would her grandchildren be anything like that little girl? Trish would love that! The object of her thoughts was being pulled towards the restroom.

She had dark brown hair, several shades lighter than her mothers, braded in two short pigtails(French braded) with bright blue-green eyes, obviously her fathers…like Harm, Trish thought again. She was wearing jeans with a white T-shirt covered with evidence of lunch, her sweater tied around her waist and the small lady Caterpillars(for lack of other brand indicating winter boots/shoes) indicating they were heading up north. Either that or she was awfully overdressed, it had been exceptionally warm for this time of the year.

It looked like ‘mom’ wasn’t having a good day, or possibly a week. She was probably late thirties but the worry lines, pale face and bags under her eyes made her look ten years older.

Still she was pretty in a run down kind of way….

Trish’s’ eyes followed them hurrying towards the restrooms. Suddenly one of the galleries owners stepped from behind a hideous sculpture in the middle of the show room. The mom nearly jumped and turned an even whiter shade. The girl had been effected the same way and climbed into her mother crying. With wide eyes filled with fear, while almost crushing the little girl against her she mumbled an ‘excuse me’ and almost ran towards the restroom.

Trish felt sorry for them and a little worried. So she decided to go check on them. When she peeked in mom was splashing cold water on her face while the little girl sat next to her on the rim of the sink. She looked scared but she wasn’t crying. When the mother had dried of she turned to look at her daughter. “I know, honey, I’m sorry. But he just startled me, it’s alright now.” She brushed aside some of the little girl’s hair, wrapped her arms around her and placed a kiss on the top of her head.

“He scared me too, mommy”

“Yeah, I know, Em, I think that was my fault. Are you okay?”

It looked like mom had collected herself as they started to chit chat. When Trish stepped in though, she found that not quite the case. Both of them gasped as their heads shot in Trish's direction.

Realizing this was a friendly face, mom recovered quickly, but the girl’s fists tightened around her mother’s sweater and she buried her head against her mother’s breasts.

“Ah, she’s a little shy around strangers.” Mom tried to smile apologetically while she avoided eye contact with Trish.

“I just wanted to see if you two were okay, you looked..well..scared.” Trish decided to just come out and say it.

Trying to defy Trish’s claim mom now looked her straight in the eye. ‘Yup, not her mother’s eyes’ She wanted to say something but just as she opened her mouth she stopped and it was like she just realized something important. “You…” she started “You ..” thinking of a way out “You don’t know me.” She whispered keeping her eyes locked with Trish’s’.

“I was worried.” Trish said again.

“Thank you, but we’re okay….ah..We should go..” Mom said softly while glancing at the door.

“Your little girl is lovely.” Trish said as she smiled at the little face that decided it was safe to resurface. Her blue-ish eyes brightening at the sound of her mother’s soft unrushed voice. “She reminds me of my son, when he was little.”

Mom swallowed and nodded. “she reminds me of her father.” She looked up at Trish and smiled. “We really need to go, thanks for your concern. Come on Emma, let’s go.”

The three women left the restroom. At the counter mom stopped to ask directions how to get back on the interstate. Emma was holding on to her mother’s sweater while she looked through the glass doors. Across the street was a street vendor selling balloons, big ones, in all colours and shapes. She let go of the sweater and walked to the doors, placing her hands on the glass, biting her lower lip while staring at those wonderful balloons.

Trish left a business card for the artist whose work she came to see. When she stepped out of the office she heard mom thank one of the employees.

“Come on Em, let’s g….” She turned around finding the little girl gone. Panic struck her face as she scanned the gallery for her daughter. “Emma !!”

“Why don’t I go and check the restroom?” Trish offered. She started to walk away when she heard mom scream.

“NO! Oh God, Emma!” She ran out calling out to her child who was already across the street heading for the balloons.

Trish sighed in relief closing her eyes for just a second. It wouldn’t be a first time a kid would walk out onto the road and get hit by a car. She opened her eyes when she heard the sound of tires, a car slamming on the brakes and a dull thud.

tbc