Written to cheer Clau up because she was in hospital just before ‘Lifeline’ and based on the spoilers and the first picture of harm and Mac on the porch.

The Porch

We talk about the old days. All we’ve been through together, all the times we were there for one and other. It feels good. The memories are good, even the memories of ‘hard times’, like when he left JAG now seem like warm moments, moments we were very close. I’ve missed that and he just admitted he misses it too.

If I stay out here any longer Mic is sure to come and look for me. He doesn’t get jealous easily, or he doesn’t show it much, but Harm and I have spend quite a lot of time out here tonight. Thank god there are a lot of people here tonight or else it might be noticed and I have to admit spending the greater part of your engagement party out on the porch with another man does seem odd.

Harm is talking about how our relationship has changed. I really have to get back to Mic.

“You will always be my best friend. Nothing can change that.” I say to him. I squeeze his arm and turn towards the French doors.

“What if that isn’t enough?” He whispers while looking down at his shoes.

I turn and look at him in disbelieve. Disbelieve and perhaps even in anger. How dare he! I gave him ample opportunity to ‘let go’. I waited ten months, TEN MONTHS before I switched Mic’s ring to my left hand. All that time he did nothing, said nothing, but now…less than two weeks before my wedding, he speaks up. And really all he did was imply something. The bastard still doesn’t have the balls to actually say it. Yes! I am angry! If I try to call him on it, he might back paddle and act as if ‘I’ read more into it than he intended. Unfortunately, I don’t just feel anger towards him. Part of me has wanted him to say it, say something, anything, and if I leave him now and go back inside I will never know what exactly he meant by saying that. “What if that isn’t enough?” He has a, sort of, defeated look on his face and I feel for him. But my voice still sounds harsh when I speak. “ What did you say?”

“What if being your friend isn’t enough?” He still doesn’t look at me.

“Not enough for who? For you or for me?” I demand.

He finally faces me, he stares into my eyes for what seems like forever. But I can’t look away.

I see fear and despair in his eyes and when he speaks I hear the hurt in his voice.

“What if….just being friends with you isn’t enough…for me…”

“You want more than that?” I ask in disbelieve. “I am getting married in two weeks!”

“I’m sorry, Sarah.” I shiver. It could be the cool evening air or him calling me Sarah, I don’t know. But he notices, which ever one it is. He offers me his jacket and drapes it over my bare shoulders. And then he continues.

“I’m sorry. I know that I have NO right telling you this now, I never felt I did. That’s why I kept quiet, but …..I HAD to, I know it’s selfish, and please know, I don’t expect to ride of into the sunset with you, but I have to let you know how special you are to me.”

If there had been a hint of that cocky flyboy attitude in what he just declared, I would have smacked him. But there wasn’t. All I could see in his eyes was love, and I can’t be angry at him for it because I love him too. ‘But I made my choice, Harm will never let go the way I need him to.’ I tell myself.

He reaches for his jackets pocket and pulls something out. “Eh, Renee has got our gift to you and Mic, but ..I wanted to give you something.” He hands me a velvet box and I open it. I gasp and I feel tears threatning when I try to get words past the lump in my throat. “It’s beautiful, Harm.” He smiles at me, not a full blast Rabb smile, but a warm resigned one.

“I want you to be happy Sarah.” He whispers.

I can see this is difficult for him. And his words and smile set free a whole bunch of fuzzy feelings in me that I had buried. Before I can help myself I reach up to kiss him. ‘I know you do, Harm” I whisper just before my lips brush his cheek. I can feel his lips too and his hands around my waist. I linger there, against his cheek, relishing in his smell. ‘Oh, Harm and aftershave.’ I think as I close my eyes briefly. I feel his warm breath on my skin and my own breath quickening. We both break the contact and retreat to a safer distance, or is it? I can still feel his breath, only now against my lips. Why didn’t I move away from him? My eyes lock with his, my heart going a mile a minute. Does he know? Does he feel it too?

All of a sudden our lips meet. I don’t know who closed the distance, I don’t know if it matters. My stomach flutters. He pulls away slightly, hesitantly but I don’t want that, I need more. I kiss him again, more certain this time. As we break contact I look up into his eyes. Oh, those eyes. He stares back at me, intense before he takes the initiative. He pulls me against him, his lips seem to want to fuse with mine. I smile at his eagerness. He smiles back and all I can do is let him kiss me again and again… till I realize that my fiancé is waiting for me,. till…”Oh my God!” The voice of Renee Peterson sounds from below.

I immediately step back. Both Renee and Harm look as if they are in shock. I hand Harm his jacket. I have to get back to Mic! As Harm turns to Renee, I feel the strongest urge to hold him back. I place my hand on his shoulder. Even through the dress shirt I feel his hot skin, making me feel things I shouldn’t. But as he turns I realize that ‘I’ have no right to say anything now. I am getting married in less than two weeks! “I will be happy, Harm.” I assure him. Then I motion him towards Renee who is, surprisingly, still standing there.

I can’t look back when I close the doors behind me so I scan the room for Mic. It’s time to be the devoted fiancé. But who am I kidding? All I can think about the rest of the evening is Harm. Each time I close my eyes I can still smell him, feel him, taste him…

I jump at Mic’s touches and he notices. He doesn’t say anything though. But he looks hurt and angry. I can imagine I look guilty. I feel guilty.

Neither Harm nor Renee returned to the party. Thank god no one asked ME about it. Mic wanted to go home early, and finally, by 23:45 he had everyone convinced that we wanted to go home and celebrate some more on our own. I really hate those innuendo’s and the meaningful looks we get from people. But I keep quiet, I have no right to be difficult about this. I am sure Mic has something quite different in mind from celebrating.