Short fic, mid season 9.

JAG HQ

07:25

Mac stood facing the coffee maker. After debating whether or not she should have any coffee, her thoughts dwelled off. “This can’t be happening.” She whispered to herself as she struggled with her emotions.

She should be happy, shouldn’t she? But she wasn’t. Damn, she was always so careful. Even with Mic, the man she was supposed to marry. It was just that one time. How could she have been so stupid? This was all wrong, not the way she’d planned it at all.

Admiral Chegwidden came around the corner to get his hourly fix of coffee. When he spotted Mac he immediately sensed something was wrong. Her stance was rigid and her hand holding on to the counter were nervously tapping away.

“This can’t be happening.” She repeated to herself before angrily wiping away a tear.

“Are you alright, Colonel?”

She spun around to face the intruder, pulling herself together before he could see the despair in her eyes.

“Yes sir!”

Thinking about everything she had gone through the past half year, and given the fact that he was not convinced she was quite up to par, he decided to try and draw her out.

“Mac,” He said in his fatherly tone of voice. “You look upset.”

Mac had trouble meeting his eyes.

“I’m okay, sir.” She croaked, damning herself for being too transparent. She straightened herself and sort of levelled with him. “Just some personal stuff sir. I won’t let it interfere with my work, sir.”

Letting go of his premise that this had something to do with her ‘breakdown’ he deducted that it then, like many times before, had to do with Rabb.

“Is it the Commander again?” He asked, ready to set said Commander straight himself.

To his surprise his chief of staff teared up even more.

“No, sir. I honestly wish it was.” And with that she rushed past him towards the safety of her office.

** ** **

JAG HQ

17:45

Mac had been in her office all day which had raised some eyebrows. She hadn’t even gone out to lunch which started up speculation. Harriet had been the only one brave enough to disturb her but was sorry she had.

Harm walked into the bullpen, returning from a day at Quantico.

“Hey Harriet.”

“Commander.” She greeted back.

Harm almost missed her nervous glance towards Mac’s office.

“Something up, Harriet?” He halted at her desk.

“Eh, no, sir.” She fibbed. “Everything is fine…..How was your day, sir?”

He saw through her diversionary tactic but decided to play along.

“It was fruitful, Harriet, thanks for asking.” He smiled at her and she faked a smile back at him. “Now, I see Mac is still in, I’ll just drop by to say hi to her.” He grabbed his briefcase and turned towards Mac’s door.

“NO!” Harriet yelled before slapping her hand over her mouth.

Harm walked back to her. His eyebrows raised. “No? Lieutenant?”

Harriet stammered a bit. “I mean…No, sir. It’s just…You …..She….”

“Is she in or not?” Harm got impatient.

“Yes, sir.” Harriet said quietly.

“So why can I not go and see her?”

“Well, sir. Technically, you can. I just wouldn’t recommend it. Sir.”

Harm had to grin. It sounded like his MARINE had one of ‘those days’.

“She in a foul mood , Harriet?”

“It’s not funny , sir.” Harriet stood closer so she could go on without others overhearing. “I don’t think she is really angry, sir. She had that miserable look she always gets when things between you two go ‘wrong’.”

“Are you implying I had something to do with this?” Harm asked exasperated.

The voice of their CO interrupted them.

“No Commander, you didn’t.” He dismissed Harriet and took Harm aside. “In fact, she told me this morning that she wished you had.”

Harm looked confused.

“Did you wrap things up at Quantico?” Harm nodded. “Good. Commander, do us all a favor. Go in there.” He pointed towards Mac’s office. “Get her out of here and see if she will let you….spend some time with her.”

Harm’s brows furrowed. “Spend some time with her, sir?”

“Harm. Something is wrong with her and since she didn’t sound upset at you this morning, I thought you could get her to…open up.”

His eyes wide with worry, for whatever was wrong with Mac, as well as being the chosen one to break through the armored walls, he nodded.

** ** **

“Hey!” Harm tried to sound cheerful as he stepped into her office.

“You don’t knock?”

“I did.” He said gently. “Three times.”

She looked up at him. Harriet was right, she looked miserable.

“Sorry.” She said softly and took a shaky breath.

“Are you okay?” He could see she wasn’t, her lower lip trembled and he could see she was holding back tears. Harm knew she wouldn’t want to break down at the office so he tried to lighten the mood. “You know, you are giving me a bad name.” He came round her desk to sit in front of her. “Harriet thought I had something to do with your_”

Much to his surprise she broke down in tears. He pulled her into a hug and held her while she cried. It didn’t take her long before she had the tears under control, but she didn’t move away from him.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been on edge all day and you coming in being nice just…” She shook her head. “Thanks, I’ll be okay now.” She moved away from him.

“The Admiral ‘suggested’ I take you home now and let you tell me what’s going on.”

Her mouth fell open and it took a few minutes before she found her voice. “I..I.. can’t.” She shook her head.

Harm tried not to look hurt, but she caught it none the less.

“Okay, we’ll just do dinner then. Maybe watch a movie together?”

Biting her lower lip she tried to come up with a good excuse to say no. But she couldn’t refuse that look he gave her right now. “Alright, I wouldn’t want you to DDO.”

** ** **

They sat on her couch watching a movie though neither had any idea what it was about.

Harm sat facing the TV but kept glancing at Mac whose gaze was directed at nothing in particular.

This is ridiculous Harm thought and he switched the TV off. Startled by the sudden lack of light Mac turned towards him. They could barely see each other. The moonlight was just enough to make out his silhouette.

“Harm?”

“Mac?” ,

they asked simultaneously. Both smiled. Harm scooted sideways so he was facing her as well and took her hand. For a moment she tensed, but then he felt her relax.

“Mac. Please tell me what’s wrong. Let me help.”

“I can’t.” She whispered.

“Why not.” He took a breath. “If you can’t tell me, who can you tell?” For a second he was afraid she would actually come up with alternatives. After all, their relationship had changed.

“I can’t tell anyone.” She turned her face away. “Least of all you.” She added so softly he almost didn’t hear.

He laced his fingers through hers. “You can tell me anything Mac. I promise.”

“No,” She shook her head again. “I couldn’t.”

“Why?” He asked softly. “What could be that bad?”

“Because I’m ashamed, okay?! Because telling you will change your opinion of me! Because…because saying it out loud makes it more real.” She tried to pull her hand free but he held on. “I don’t want it to be real.”

“Not saying it out loud doesn’t make it go away , Mac. You and I both know you can’t run from your problems.”

She didn’t say anything and he thought back to what she said. He was a little relieved that she still cared about his opinion but worried about what was troubling her .

“Mac?” She stayed silent. “No matter what it is, I’ll still feel the same about you. That will never change”

She could make out the look in his eyes and she just knew it was the truth. Pulling her hand from his she settled back into the corner of her couch. She wrapped her arms around her knees and rested her head on her hands. She glanced at him. The lack of light gave her courage to continue.

“I don’t know where to start.”

Harm didn’t know either and he didn’t want to interrupt her thoughts, so he kept still.

“I thought I was okay in Paraguay.” Harm shifted, a little surprised she started back almost a year ago. “But I wasn’t. Probably haven’t been before that. As my therapist put it, I have issues I haven’t dealt with.”

Mac paused figuring out how to work up to her current predicament. “We weren’t together you know. Clay and I, not then. Not for a long time.” She searched her brain why she had been with Webb at all…She now knew it wasn’t love. “At the compound Sadik came to me for answers Clay wasn’t giving.” She shivered as she remembered his screams. “I answered him, but he didn’t believe me. He said if I’d answered him truthfully Clay would have been spared more torture. He said…I must not have loved him as much as he did me.”

This was a concept Harm could grasp with the best of them…Mac felt guilty. There was probably more to the mind games Sadik played so he nodded for her to go on.

“When you came in and rescued us, part of me was happy to see you. The other part resented you for waltzing in there and taking away my chance to repay my debt.”

“I don’t understand. He was the one who put you in danger in the first place.” Harm spoke for the first time. ”You didn’t owe him anything.”

“I know that Harm, but that’s how I felt back then. I HAD to do something and taking torture so he would be left alone would prove that I cared just as much for Webb as he did me. He went through that for me…” She trailed off again. “You took that away from me, you made me feel powerless. That’s what made me angry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be Harm. Just because my twisted mind blamed you doesn’t mean that I am not thankful for what you did. You saved us.”

“I only came for you. Webb was an added bonus.” ‘Or so I thought at the time.’ He added to himself.

“You gave up everything.”

Harm wasn’t sure if this was the right time. Hell, it probably wasn’t. But it never was and if he wanted her to be honest he should be too.

“Everything I needed was in Paraguay, Mac.”

Overwhelmed by his admission she sat closer to him and placed her hand on his cheek. She thought back to the Guadal Canal when she asked him; “What are you willing to give up to have me?” She had her answer. She didn’t ‘hear’ him back in Paraguay, but she got it now.

“Oh, Harm.” She sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

He took her hand in his again and shook his head. “You were dealing with a lot back then, I had no right to expect anything from you so soon after what happened.”

“Harm? Have your feelings changed since then?” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

“I told you Mac, I’ll always love you. No matter what.” They both moved away from the other, startled by his admission.

He hadn’t meant to tell her that….yet…he just needed to reassure her. He contemplated talking it down but it was true. He loved her, and he always would, no matter what they would be to each other.

“I wish I had known that.” She said sadly. “No wait….” She added suddenly. “I did. Deep down I knew you loved me, I just thought you would never be ready to take our relationship further.”

“I have been for quite some time.” He tried for a smile. “Mattie has made me appreciate family life even more.”

They were both quiet for a while.

“Mac?”

“Yes?” He could hear she was about to cry.

“Do you…I mean…would you… eh…” Okay that wasn’t working, let’s start over. “Do you still have feelings for me?”

He could see a single tear make its way down her cheek. She dried it on her sleeve before he could wipe it away for her like he always did.

She nodded her head. “But that doesn’t seem to matter now.” She looked away from him again.

“I’m sorry. You were trying to tell me something. We got side tracked.”

“It’s okay. I am trying to make you understand how this came to happen. Or maybe I am trying to understand it myself.”

Once again she moved away from him, needing the distance before she could go on.

“Last February, Sadik played into all my insecurities. I don’t know how he knew what buttons to push but he did a real number on me. I didn’t see that till Clay pointed it out to me and the Admiral ordered me to see a therapist. “

She remembered Sadik’s words to her, both in Paraguay and Washington. ‘You defile motherhood.’ ‘You live a barren life in a prison of fear.’ ‘You pretend to be a woman.’ ‘a whore.’

“Oh God.” She whispered as it all became clear to her. Clay may have been right with his intimate violence and sexuality theory but she had also been driven by the need to prove Sadik wrong. Webb wanted her, so he made her feel like a woman and one that wasn’t afraid to take the plunge with him. So she did…throwing all caution to the wind.

“Mac?”

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

She jumped up and rushed to her bathroom. He could hear her retch. He followed her and grabbed a washcloth to wipe her face with. Her eyes were a bit puffy and her cheeks flushed. He gave her a moment to calm down. Whatever she had been thinking about it had made her realize something. Something she didn’t like very much.

“Thanks.” Her voice was small.

“Tell me what brought this on?” He prodded gently.

“I slept with him.” She whispered.

Harm’s eyes went wide with shock and she immediately regretted telling him. ‘See, he said nothing would change but his face tells you otherwise.’

“You…you slept with Sadik?” Harm tried to grasp the concept. “Did he. force you?”

“What? NO. Not Sadik. Webb. I slept with Clay.”

Her eyes begged him for understanding. He wasn’t all that surprised, not that he liked it. In fact he had assumed they did since they had been seeing each other for half a year. He knew this was his ‘test’. He needed to show her that her sleeping with Webb, if he thought about it too much he might get sick as well, didn’t change the way he felt.

“Ah, Mac?” He decided to lighten the mood. “I slept with Renee.” He stated.

“What! When?” She struggled to stand up.

“Well, a couple years ago. You see, she and I were involved romantically for quite some time and it’s what people do, or so I’m told.”

“You’re an ass, you know that?!” She spat at him before rinsing her mouth. “Here I am telling you my deepest darkest thoughts and secrets and you go and…and ..try to be funny.”

“I was just trying to put things into perspective.”

She looked at him. He seemed sincere. She glared at him more suspiciously when she realized that he had chosen to bring up Renee, instead of some more recent girlfriend. Come to think of it, she didn’t remember him ever mentioning even a date with someone since both Renee and Mic had left their lives. ‘Great, now she could feel guilty about that too.’ For a while it had seemed their relationship turning into more had been eminent, so neither of them dated. It would feel like cheating. And she had, with Clay. That’s partly why she had felt so cheap afterwards.

Sensing her mood spiralling downwards Harm took her arm and guided her back to the living room. “Come on, Mac. I’ll get you some tea.”

Once they settled back on the couch Harm wrapped his arm around her. She rested her head on his shoulder. This was how it should be. She hadn’t felt so at peace in a long time, except for the other thing. That which her mind was pushing away so she could enjoy his warmth a little bit longer for when he’d find out he was surely going to run out on her.

“Harm. I’ll never stop loving you either.” She whispered as he drew circles on her arm.

He smiled and tightened his hold on her.

“That’s good Mac.”

“I just want you to know that.”

“I know.” He kissed the top of her head.

“Because there’s more.”

“More?”

Good, at least he didn’t sound accusing. She got up and started to pace around nervously.

“I’m late.”

“Late? I didn’t know you had to be somewhere.”

“No, Harm, I’m late. I never am, but I am now.”

He smiled as he thought of a few times where she had been late till the meaning of her words hit him.

“You’re late.” He repeated numbly.

“And I don’t remember last month.”

She stood in front of him. Clearly waiting for his response. And she looked miserable. Her pleading eyes spoke to him and he swallowed whatever rage or jealousy he felt. Not that he was really angry at her. Just lost opportunities, mad at himself and mostly at Webb.

“Please,” her voice trembled. “say something.”

What could he say? Congratulations? How does Webb feel about all this? Are you going to marry him? Is this where I lose you for good?

“Are you happy about it?” Cause she sure didn’t look it.

“I don’t know.” She dropped back down next to him.

“What do you want me to do?” He shrugged helplessly.

“Hold me and tell me it’ll all turn out okay.” She smiled

He opened his arms for her and she nestled against him.

“It’ll be alright, Mac.”

She hugged him tight before leaning back and smiling at him. “Thank you. You’re a good man Mr. Rabb.”

** ** **

Mac awoke to the smell of warm cinnamon rolls. Harm. She remembered falling asleep on the couch last night. Now she was in her bed. She grabbed some socks before padding to the kitchen. He was busy fixing her breakfast, including fresh orange juice.

“Careful Harm, I might not want to let you go.” She regretted it the moment she said it.

He spun around. He looked like he hadn’t slept a wink last night and she had a feeling it wasn’t because of her couch.

“Don’t joke about that Mac. I don’t think I can take that.”

She nodded her understanding. “Breakfast smells delicious.” She smiled and he returned it.

“I thought you might be hungry. Unless…you have morning sickness?”

“No,” her smile almost gone. “I gotta make a call.”

She returned five minutes later.

“Sorry about that. I just thought I’d better make an appointment with my doctor.”

“To confirm it?” She nodded. “Did you tell Clay?”

“No. I haven’t spoken to him in over a month.”

“But you two are still together.”

She sighed. “I don’t know.” She suddenly grinned, but turned her head away when her cheeks flushed. “I sort of… broke it off.” She quickly took a bite of her breakfast.

“You did.”

“On his answering machine.”

Harm snorted.

“That was very …mature Mac, I’m very proud of you.”

“Don’t mock me Harmon.” But she smiled at him. “I debated calling his mother and giving her the message.” She sipped her juice. “I was really pissed at him. I knew we would never work.”

“Did he stand you up again?”

She swallowed.

“He was supposed to go with me for a session with my therapist.”

“Is it helping? Therapy I mean?”

“Oh, yeah. I was doing fine without him, the constant reminder of our ordeal hanging over my head. Until I discovered I missed a period.”

She was on a roll. He could see the fire in her eyes. She was still mad as hell at Webb. Unfortunately Webb wasn’t there, Harm was. He’d have to be extra careful not to rile her up too much.

“What time is your appointment?” He asked calmly.

“16:30. You know Harm, it’s not that Clay is a bad human being. It’s just.. I can’t live like this. I need someone who will be there for me if I need him, and who will stay long enough so I can help him, because I know what it’s like.” Her voice trailed of.

“Is Webb having problems?” Harm seemed genuinely surprised.

“Since Paraguay, he’s been trying to forget, I think. He drinks a lot.” Her voice was soft now and he could tell she cared for Clayton Webb. “I mean.. always a bottle in his hand, not just a glass.”

“Sounds like he could do with some therapy himself. I wonder why the agency hasn’t picked up on it.”

“Let’s not talk about Clay all day, okay? What are your plans for today?”

** ** **

Harm had promised Mattie to go to her volleyball game that afternoon. He had offered to cancel on Mattie but Mac wouldn’t hear of it. Mattie needed him. Later Mac was relieved to find that she was actually okay with it. She didn’t feel like he let her down and she didn’t mind sharing him with Mattie. Anyway, this was something she needed to do by herself.

On her way home she refused to dwell on the test results or on her feelings on the matter.

She was mentally patting herself on the back for the rational way she was handling it all.

Of course that all went out the window the moment she found Harm waiting on her sidewalk.

The moment she locked her car the tears started flowing. Harm did the only thing he could do for her. He held her.

Though she tried to put up a brave front she was still crying when they got to her apartment.

“Harm , I promise I’m not always like this.”

“I know, Mac.” He smiled

“I’m not pregnant.”

Harm looked at her. She looked sad.

“Mac? Are you crying because you’re not having Clays baby?”

“No, I don’t think so. Part of it is stress release, I think.”

“What’s the other part?”

“Well, like I said before. I am not getting any younger. I’ve always wanted children and this might have been my chance. I guess, I’m sad of losing the feeling of having my dream come true. It’s silly, forget it.”

“No Mac. When I thought you were pregnant I was happy for you because I knew how much you want a family, but part of me was sad because it meant I’d never know the feeling of having my dream come true.”

“Our deal?”

“Yeah, but not just the baby, Sarah. YOU.”

“You could have kids yourself_” she didn’t dare believe.

“Only with you.”

“Harm?” She wrapped her arms around him. “I need some time to, ..to work through, ..all of this. But when I do_”

“I’ll be waiting.”

“I don’t want you to wait…I want us to work on us…Just don’t expect too much at first.”

“Okay.” A content smile on his lips.

“Okay.” Her smile widened and she reached up to kiss him softly.

** ** **

May 2004

Roberts residence

They had been growing closer and closer over the last month. Mac had taken a little time off to work through her problems, but she soon found, too much time on her hands was maddening. They had informed the Admiral of their ‘relationship’ change.

They had talked about the baby deal, since today was THE day. They recognized the deal for what it was.. a desperate way to hold on to each other without making an immediate commitment. And both agreed there would be no baby unless they were married.

Mac sat on a blanket with Jimmy Roberts when Harm walked up and kneeled down.

“What are you doing?” Mac asked startled.

“I am stating my intentions.”

“What, NOW?”

“I think I’ve waited too long as it is.”

“Okay….so what are your intentions?”

“I am going to marry you,” He paused to gage her reaction. “If you’ll let me.”

Mac smiled.

“And it is my intention to have house full of little Rabbs.” He went on.

“I do get a say in how many, right?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Well, thank you Harm. It’s nice to know we want the same thing for once.”

“Ma-ac. Stop being such a smart ass.”

“Ask me, Harm.”

“Mac, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

“Yeah,” Mac whispered as she threw her arms around his neck. “I will.”

“Tomorrow?”

“TOMORROW?”

“Sturgis’ dad is available and so is that little church on the corner of Roosevelt. What do you say Mac?”

“Okay flyboy, lets do it.” She smiled brightly. “On one condition?”

“Name it.”

“You wear your dress whites.”

“Deal.”

“See you tomorrow.” She gave him a quick peck on the cheek as she got up from the blanket.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“I need to shop. I’m getting married tomorrow.”

The end…..