Choices
By
SuzyRNC
Rating
13+ to read language, adult situations.
Summary: Picks up where "A Tangled Webb" leaves off. Harm faces life without JAG and possibly Mac as well.
Disclaimer:
I own neither JAG nor its characters, and no profit is gained from
this work.
Spoilers: Everything up to the season 8 finale.
Most
often when you leave home, you are happy to return. For me, I
could care less.
Nothing makes much sense right now. My life as I know
it
is over, and yet again, I am the loser. I lost the one person
that
I ever truly
loved. Usually, I pushed her away, or had the luxury
of
having someone
else in the way to keep us apart. Now, it just seems
that
for the first time in my life, I think that I have waited
too
long, played
it a little too cool, and it cost me my chance at
true
happiness.
Let
me go back and put things into perspective. I resigned
my
commission and
went to Paraguay to rescue my partner Mac after she had
gone
missing on a mission with CIA agent extraordinaire, Clayton
Webb.
I fought my
way into the camp with the help of Gunny. I was able to
find
Mac before they began to torture her, only to have to watch
her
kiss Webb and
tell him that she thought that they both had been single
for
far too long. Hearing that made my heart hurt. I felt like
someone
was
squeezing the life right out of me and there was not a damn
thing
that I could
do about it. But now that feeling, hell, all feeling is
on
hold; I just can't feel anything right now.
Anyway,
Mac and I found a crop duster and borrowed it from
a
Mennonite. I
borrowed some of his dynamite and was able to blow up
the
Stinger
missiles, only to crash from a bullet to the plane's
engine.
Mac had
walked away with a few more cuts and bruises than she
had
already had.
However, I had suffered some painful injuries from
the
impact. My
left leg was cut when one of the trees that the plane
had
come to rest
upon had crushed the side of the plane, also breaking my
left
wrist.
Our
plane was tracked and quickly intercepted by the Paraguayan
Guard,
who freed
me and then took both Mac and me to a small army medic
unit
before taking
us back to Ciudad del Este for further help. Mac was
ordered
back to Washington first thing the next morning to
be
debriefed by
the CIA. I was immediately taken to clean up and suture
my
leg while the cast hardened on my arm. She had asked to see me,
but
I just
couldn't. I asked the Doctor to make up something to keep
out
visitors. He
told her that I had been taken to surgery and that he
could
not discuss it any further. I know that was probably the
most
cowardly
thing that I had done in my life, but I couldn't face
her,
knowing that
she was going to tell me that she cared for Webb, and
hoped
that we could still be friends. I can't do it; I can't give
up
my entire life
for her, only to have her fall into someone else's arms
while
I stand there watching, playing best friend.
I
wrote in a journal when I recovered from my ramp strike, God,
were
things crazy
then! The Psychologist that was assigned to me suggested
it
as a form of sorting out my thoughts, so I thought that if I
could
get my
thoughts out and on paper, perhaps it would help. I would
write
out my
feelings, but right now, the truth is I don't feel anything.
It
is probably
crazy to think that writing this down will help. How will
ink
and paper resolve the fact that in one fell sweep, my life
is
gone? I sat
here almost the entire flight from Paraguay staring at
the
journal,
trying to find the inner strength to begin. I am out
of
commission for
a week or so, until my leg heals up, so maybe this will
help
to pass the time. We just went wheels down, and the Captain
is
announcing the
landing, so I will continue later.
0200
Hours Zulu
Washington Dulles International Airport
Sterling,
Virginia
The DC-10 landed swiftly. Harmon Rabb waited until
the plane had emptied before making his way off. The freshly removed
sutures from his leg and the stiffness of his hand made him a little
cautious in crowds. His accident was a week and a half ago, and now
he was back in D.C., waiting to go through customs with nothing to
declare, using his new passport to re-enter the country.
Harm
took a cab to his apartment and made his way up in the elevator.
Fumbling with the door before getting it open, he slowly entered his
place. He sat down on the couch, stretching out to settle the
throbbing in his leg. After a few long moments, he rose and made his
way to bed, bone tired and weak-spirited. He would try to get some
rest. Maybe things would look better in the morning.
Then
again, maybe not.
1300
Hours Zulu
JAG Headquarters
Falls
Church, Virginia
The elevator doors slid quietly open,
revealing the JAG offices to Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie, Mac to her
friends. Feeling somewhat more physically rested then when she
arrived in DC over a week ago, Mac remained emotionally drained. She
felt out of sorts without her best friend there to welcome her back.
Things would be better once he got back. Inwardly, she sighed at the
disappointed feeling that she felt that she wasn't able to see him
before she left. They were rescued quickly, and they were whisked
away so fast, she had not really even seen if he was seriously
injured.
Mac made her way out of the elevator and into the
bullpen, headed to her office. Her friend, Lt. Harriet Roberts,
stopped her. Harriet looked a little frazzled; her eyes were dark
with rings, clearly indicating a lack of sleep. The classic worried
look on her face, Harriet greeted Mac.
"Colonel!
Welcome back! You were missed. How are the Commander and Mr.
Webb?"
Mac took a breath and answered, "Clay is in
the hospital, he nearly died out there, but now he is getting
stronger. I saw him yesterday." Mac let her mind drift back to
the visit to Webb.
"Sarah,
I told you that I have to tell you something. I want to
tell
you that I."
Webb started.
Mac
put her hand on Clay's lips to silence him. She continued,
"Clay,
you
are a good friend and you risked your life to keep me from pain.
I
will be forever
grateful, but I do not want to hurt you. I do love
you,
but I am IN love with Harm. God knows I've tried, but he has
my
heart, and no
matter what I say, or what I do, that will always be."
Webb
pulled Mac's hand from his lips. "I want you to know that if
you
ever need me
for anything, anything at all, you only need to ask."
"Ma'am?"
Harriet said, concerned at the sudden, far away look in Mac's eyes.
"I'm sorry Harriet, what were you saying?" Mac asked, after
mentally shaking her head to clear her thoughts.
"I asked
how the Commander was doing. I heard that he had to have surgery."
Harriet repeated.
Mac tried to hide the hurt she felt before
she answered. "To tell you the truth, Harriet, I never got to
see him. We were separated at the hospital, and no one would tell me
anything specific about him. I was ordered back the next morning at
0300. You are probably more informed than I am."
Harriet
gave Mac a reassuring smile, but mentioned nothing more of the past
few days. "The Admiral would like to see you; he asked to have
you report once you were in."
"Thank you Harriet,"
Mac said. "Would you take my things?" Mac handed her cover
and briefcase over to Harriet before continuing on to see Admiral AJ
Chegwidden.
"Ma'am." Petty Officer Jason Tiner said
crisply at Mac's arrival, as he snapped to attention.
"At
ease, Tiner. The Admiral wanted to see me?" Mac asked.
"Yes
ma'am and it is good to have you back." Tiner stated as he
indicated for Mac to proceed into the Admiral's office.
Mac
stopped for a moment to collect her thoughts before entering the
Admiral's office. She slowly opened the door and stepped inside.
Mac
came to attention as the Admiral looked up, noting the scratches and
lightening bruises that dotted Mac's neck. "Reporting as
ordered, Sir."
"Welcome back, Colonel. How are you
doing? I heard you had quite the mission." AJ asked.
"Fine
sir. Things got ugly pretty fast." Mac answered softly.
"I
would like to hear about it sometime, when you feel like talking."
AJ stated plainly, then came around the desk to sit in a chair at
Mac's left side, then continued. "Mac, I want you to know that
whatever you are feeling right now, things will get better. If you
need to talk to someone, I can arrange for a counselor that would
listen."
Mac's lips turned upward in a small smile.
"Thank you, Sir." She paused, "Sir, have you heard
anything about Commander Rabb's condition or when he will return? I
never saw him after the Guard took him from the plane."
AJ's
face slid into an impassive, unreadable stone. "Colonel, Mr.
Rabb is no longer of any consequence to this office, so no, I do not
have any news on his status."
"Sir?" Mac asked,
puzzled.
AJ took in Mac's puzzled expression and realized that
Harm had never told her anything. "What do you know about Rabb's
trip to Paraguay?"
Mac replied, "I was bound and two
men were ready to begin to torture me with electricity. I could smell
the acrid odor from the steel wool they were heating up. Harm stormed
in, killed both men, and then freed me. We took a plane and blew up
the missiles, and then we crashed. Other than a few minutes of
planning our next steps, we didn't speak. Sir, what is going on?"
AJ
Chegwidden sat back and turned momentarily pensive. "Rabb came
in here every day, some days more than once, asking about you, damn
near drove me crazy. I promised him that I would let him know if I
heard anything that would be cause for concern. When you were
reported missing, he asked permission to go find you. I refused. He
tried to convince me otherwise, but I was under orders not to
interfere. So when I denied his request a second time, he resigned
his commission and took terminal leave."
Mac could not
believe her ears. Harm had quit JAG - the Navy altogether- to rescue
her! Her mind ran back to the time that in the heat of the moment,
she had asked him what he would give up to have her. She never would
have imagined that he would have given up his whole world, his
future.
AJ could read her facial expression. He knew what was
coming next.
"Sir, I request permission to find
Harm."
"Permission denied."
"Sir,
with all due respect, he saved my life. I have to find him." Mac
reasoned.
"I'll ask you the same thing I asked him, when
you find him, are you willing to do what it takes to keep him?"
AJ asked.
"Sir, I'll do whatever it takes, go where ever
I need to go. I'll do anything to get to him." Mac
explained.
AJ knew he was defeated, and he wasn't willing to
jeopardize Mac's career by issuing an order for her to disobey. He
had done that with Harm, and it had backfired.
"Colonel,
take the week. I trust that you can wait at least 1300 hours, until
the TAD arrives." He added.
"Yes sir. Thank you,
Admiral." Mac replied.
1800
Hours Zulu
Harm's Apartment
North
of Union Station
Harm had stayed in all morning, not even
going to get the mail. True to his prediction, things had not looked
any better; in fact, things even looked somewhat worse. He did not
have the clouded perspective of fatigue to skew his perception. No
matter how he tried, he could not clear his thoughts of Mac. Being on
pain medication, he could not even drink to help distract him.
Everything reminded him of Sarah Mackenzie, and it was driving him
crazy.
Momentarily, he remembered a phone call that he had
placed earlier in the day.
Director
Kershaw? This is Harmon Rabb. I called because I wanted
to
ask if your
offer was genuine.
Director
Kershaw asked, "Yes it was, but when I made it, I
didn't
think that
you would take me up on it so quickly. I thought you
were
still in the
Navy?"
Harm
grimaced, "Well sir, at the time, I was still in the Navy. I
just
recently
resigned my commission."
"Was
this before or after you traipsed into Paraguay looking
for
Colonel
Mackenzie?" Kershaw asked.
"You
do your homework, sir." Harm continued, "It was before.
The
Admiral could
not permit me to go, I felt that I had to, and so to
keep
from having to disobey a direct order, I resigned."
"Do
you always live life by the seat of your pants? No, no,
don't
answer that.
I know you were a Tomcat pilot with two DFC's and a
Silver
Star. You don't know how to live otherwise." Kershaw
commented.
"Some
consider that to be a good thing, sir." Harm
added.
"How's
the leg? I heard you had surgery." Kershaw
queried.
"Stiff,
but getting better. It wasn't really surgery. They looked
at
it to make sure
it was cleaned out and then they sutured it up. The
Doctor
said that once they cleaned it up, it wasn't as bad as it
had
appeared. The
Doc told me to take it easy for a couple of weeks to let
it
and my wrist heal.
"Supposing
I take you in, when do you think you can start?"
Kershaw
asked.
"I
could begin in a month. I have 30 more days' terminal leave
and
then my
separation from the Navy will be final." Harm
answered.
"OK.
Be here in three weeks. We can get your clearance checks
begun
then to
upgrade your clearance so that once you conclude your
terminal
leave you
can begin."
"Thank
you, sir. This is more than I could have expected."
Harm
stated.
"Son,
I saw your record, remember? This country would lose too
great
an asset to
let you slip quietly into some DC law firm. Take it
easy."
Kershaw
stated and then hung up.
Harm
looked over at the many flashing messages on his answering machine.
He did not want to talk to anyone, and he did not want to be bothered
with having to put on a pleasant face just yet. He pressed and held
the delete button until all the messages were cleared. Turning
slowly, his eyes caught the journal that held his thoughts from
Paraguay. Feeling moved to write; he made his way carefully to the
bound book and sat down on his couch, laying his leg out straight on
its cushions.
OK,
so I am a coward. I knew that it would be difficult shutting
Sarah
Mackenzie
out of my life, but it is necessary. I can't bear to see
her;
it's too much right now. I convinced the hospital not to
tell
anyone when I
was released, or even how my condition was, so that no
one,
be it the Navy, the State Department, Mac or anyone else
would
have the
drop on where I was. I want to be alone, so I am going
to
play hermit for
now, lick both my physical and emotional wounds and
then
move on. I took a gamble that she still held feelings for me.
Did
that ever blow
up in my face! I should be mad, maybe I'll get to that
point,
but to be frank, I am still numb. I thought that she would
have
found out
when I had returned, and she would be waiting here; mad at
me
for not telling her about my terminal leave. I am grateful that
she
isn't however.
I will talk to her, but not yet.
Not
yet. Now there is a phrase. That phrase has always been the
root
of my
trouble. If I could have not uttered those words in
Sydney,
things
could have been so different. I should have told her how
I
really felt and
not held back. However, I did, and thus began a facet
of
Harmon Rabb of which I am not particularly proud. That ends now.
It
is a mute point
now, she has chosen another man, and no amount of self-
pity
will reverse the course of my actions, or inaction as it
was.
I have to
get away, clear my mind. There are too many memories here.
I
need a fresh
start. Since I'll have a new job, maybe a new place is
in
order too. Of
course, I could be fooling myself, though. I am worried
that
Mac is going to come here and keep bugging me until I tell
her
everything she
wants to know. But that was my Mac, she is gone. Mac is
with
Webb now and I should have remembered how things were once
she
went to
Brumby. Webb would have a problem sharing her with me and
he
would find ways
to distract her until there was nothing left between
us.
God, now that is a harsh reality slap! I had not even thought
of
that.
Harm
put the journal down on the table; of all the things that he could
feel once he started to feel again, this crushing pain of regret was
not the one that he had hoped it would be! Reaching out and picking
up his phone, he dialed for information.
"Washington, DC.
Capitol City Travel." He answered the automated request. After
calling the provided number, a voice filled the earpiece.
"Yes,
this is Harmon Rabb. I would like immediate arrangements made for a
trip to the coast, I would like to fly, open-ended return, and I will
need accommodations. Anywhere near Chincoteague Island or Assateague
Island."
A few moments later, he made his way back to his
bedroom and pulled out the suitcase from his trip. Removing several
items, he added a few things to the bag, including his journal.
Reaching the door, he locked up quickly and went down to his Lexus.
2310
Hours Zulu
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown,
Washington, DC
Mac was frustrated. She had spent the last
three hours off and on, on the phone with the Hospital in Ciudad del
Este. No one would tell her anything. The admissions clerk said
nothing and then transferred her to the nurses, who again told her
nothing and then transferred her to the Doctor who cared for Harm. He
told her that due to the potential political concerns that may arise;
he was not at liberty to divulge any information about his
patient.
A second call to the Department of State revealed
about as much helpful information. Nothing seemed to fall into place.
This was not as easy as she had hoped.
So here she sat, one
hour later, not knowing where Harm was or even if he was dead or
alive. He must be injured badly; otherwise, he would have called me
before now. She thought inwardly. Her thoughts causing her worry to
grow, she called Bud, asking for help in tracking down Harm. Bud
stated that he would notify her as soon as he found
anything.
Hanging up the phone, Mac sat quietly, trying to
figure out what to do next. She could hop on a plane and be back in
Paraguay in a matter of hours, but what if he was transferred
somewhere else? What if he had been taken into custody? There was too
many "what ifs" still open. No, she would find out some
information first, and then act. Her mind whirring, she rested back
on the couch, and closed her eyes to think, but slipped into a fitful
sleep.
She was awakened about two hours later by a knock at
the door. Rising slowly, she opened up to find Harriet at the door.
"Mind if I come in?" Harriet asked.
"Please
come in. I spoke to your husband just a little while ago. Is there
news?" Mac asked as her blonde friend entered the apartment, her
late stages of pregnancy slowing her gait. "Not yet, Ma'am. I
just wanted to come by and see how you were doing. Bud said that when
he spoke with you, you sounded down. I thought that I would come and
offer my support. How are you doing?" Harriet spoke as she
gently descended to the couch.
"Harriet, you shouldn't
have come all the way over here. I am fine. Here, let me help you."
Mac assisted Harriet to sit, and then placed an ottoman in front of
her legs, helping her to elevate them. "Thank you, Ma'am.
Commander Rabb took over the foot rest brigade when you left."
Seeing the flash of pain on Mac's face, Harriet stated, "I'm
sorry. I know that you are worried about him. But you still haven't
told me the truth. How are you?"
Mac gave a small smile,
then answered, "I am worried, Harriet. I don't know if Harm is
alive or dead and I am frustrated. No one will tell me anything. Not
knowing is killing me. And then to find out from someone else that he
had resigned his commission to find me. I don't know what to
think."
"Does it surprise you that he quit to find
you? Harm is always playing the hero; why else would he put his
tomcat in front of a nuclear missile?" Harriet reasoned.
Mac
sat down on the couch next to her friend. "You need to know some
of the history to understand the answer to that question. When Mic
had moved out after Harm's crash, Mic called and said that he was
leaving and I went to the airport to talk to him. He just left, he
did not even stop to say goodbye. I called Harm. He told me to come
to him. I was so conflicted between Mic and Harm; I wanted to know
how he felt and why I should come. He said that I knew why. I went to
him but Renee was there, having just found out that her father had
died. I was so hurt; I took the TAD on the Guadalcanal to get away,
Harm came out to serve as defense counsel. He confronted me about why
I had been running from him. I got angry and told him that Mic had
given up his home and his Navy to have me. I asked him what he would
be willing to give up to have me. I had my answer by his
silence"
Understanding flashed on Harriet's face. "So,
when you found out that he had resigned to go find you, the entire
foundation of your current relationship was challenged. He actually
was willing to give up everything, and he did."
Mac could
not speak, the emotions tightening her throat. She nodded, as a tear
slowly ran down her cheek.
"You need to talk to him.
Clear the air." Harriet said simply.
Mac choked back a
small sob as she said, "I need to find him first."
Harriet
pulled her into a hug, offering comfort. "You will find him, and
when you do, tell him you're in love with him. Don't make him
guess."
Mac pulled back from the hug slightly, surprised
at her friend's candor. "How did you know?"
Harriet
smiled before she spoke, "You two have been in love for so long,
but have thrown up more red lights than the beltway at rush hour."
Mac let out a small laugh. Harriet continued, "There have been
times in the office that you two nearly seemed to crackle with
electricity when you were around each other. You should have seen his
face everyday you were gone. He was on the phone constantly, trying
to find out your status. When he wasn't on the phone, he was in the
Admiral's office. It was as if he knew that he had to find you. A man
would only be that passionate about finding the woman he loved."
"He loves me," Mac said simply, then looked into Harriet's
face, her conviction renewed. "I have to find him."
The
conversation was interrupted by the telephone. Mac reached over and
answered, "Hello, Colonel Mackenzie."
"Colonel,
its Bud. I found something." Bud Roberts stated quickly.
"Thank
you Bud. What did you find?" Mac asked, her heart beating
rapidly in anticipation.
"The Commander was in the
Hospital at Ciudad del Este until Saturday. He was discharged and
took a cab to the US Consulate, but that is as far as my contact was
able to tell me." Bud explained.
"Check out the
airlines, see if he left the country yet." Mac instructed.
"I
already have, Ma'am. I called in a favor with Katherine Gale from the
CIA. She is helping to locate the Commander." Bud stated.
Mac
was intrigued, "How did she owe you a favor?"
Bud
closed his eyes and shook his head as he answered, "Long story,
Ma'am." Changing the subject, he added, "I'll call when I
have more."
"Thank you Bud. Harriet is here. I'll
have her call when she is on her way home." Mac stated.
"Thank
you, Ma'am" replied Bud.
Chapter
2
1000 Hours Zulu
Seashore Inn
Chincoteague,
Virginia
Harm stepped out of the shower, feeling more awake
and longing for some coffee. Slipping his robe on, he padded over to
the coffee maker in the kitchenette of his room. The only available
rooms were deluxe suites, and came with a kitchen and a small dining
room, a sofa and a recliner, and a breath-taking view. He took a
ground floor room, where he was able to walk directly out onto the
beach.
Having landed late last night, he was not able to
appreciate the area and the picturesque beauty of the seashore or the
island. Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he took a sip as he sat down
at his table to read the newspaper that had been left at his
door.
Not able to pay attention to the paper, he put it down
after a few failed attempts to read an article. His eye caught the
journal. Reaching over and picking it up from the nightstand, he took
a deep breath, grabbed a pen and again began to write.
Well,
here I go again. I got in last night and was actually able
to
get a few hours
of sleep. That must be something, right? Truth be
told,
I have not had one damned decent night's sleep since this
all
started. I
flew since I did not want to risk a stiff leg driving
all
this way. I
have always wanted to come out here, but never had the
time.
Well, it looks like I'll have plenty of time now.
On
a lighter note, my leg is feeling good today. I did not wake
up
with it
hurting, and it is actually not stiff and sore anymore.
Maybe
it is
beginning to heal. Now if I can just get the rest of me to
heal,
I'll be
sitting pretty.
I
think that it is too early in my recovery to take a run, so I took
a
nice walk along
the shore this morning, and perhaps I will do a bit
of
exploring over
the next couple of days. According to all the
literature
of the area in this room, there are a few specialty
shops
around,
including a hand made cigar store. Maybe I'll take it
up
again. Maybe
not, but I would at the very least be able to buy some
gifts.
My mom's birthday is in two weeks; surely I can find
her
something that
she would like.
I
spoke to my Mom last night, my purpose two-fold. First, I wanted
to
let her know
that any rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated,
and
secondly that
I had resigned my commission. Funny thing was the first
thing
out of her mouth was mouth was not 'Are you OK?' or 'What
is
going on?' It
was 'What did Mac say about this?' A typical response
for
my mom. She has never actually met Mac other than telephone
calls
and seeing
photos, and she is quite taken with her. I could not tell
her
details of the case, but rather I told her about Mac and Webb,
and
tried to be as
general as possible with out risking national security.
My
mom listened quietly, and took in all the details. Then
it
happened, she
told me the statement that seemed to keep coming up in
one
form or another. "Don't' try to tell me that you don't love
her,
Harm. You
wouldn't be this hurt if you didn't. Ask yourself if you
are
willing to do
what it takes to keep her. Talk to her, tell her how
you
feel. I think
that you will be surprised at her response."
Of
course, my Mother is right. I do love Sarah Mackenzie. So much
it
hurts, and I
have to talk to her. I just do not know how to
begin.
However, I
guess that if I have learned one lesson in my years on
this
planet, it is
that he who hesitates loses. I must be able to suck it
up
and talk to her, tell her how I feel without worrying about
the
outcome. I
cannot allow the fear of losing her overcome my desire
to
love her. I
just need to think this out a bit and garner my
courage
some.
Oh
well, I guess I'll have to get mom's present some other time.
After
calling the front desk to tell him of his change of plans, Harm rose
from the chair, pulled his shoes on and went back to the sliding
glass door that overlooked the crisp Atlantic Ocean. Even though he
almost died in its grasp, he still found the waves hypnotically
calming. Pushing the door open and walking through, he decided a walk
would be just what he needed to order his thoughts.
1235
Hours Zulu
Somewhere on Main Street
Chincoteague,
Virginia
Mac sat quietly in her seat as the cab driver
announced their impending arrival. She was confused as to what
possessed Harmon Rabb not to come home. "What is wrong flyboy?"
She asked to herself, not expecting an answer. Her mind played back
the information that Bud Roberts had last given her sometime last
evening.
"Colonel?
I have what you have been looking for," replied Bud from
the
telephone.
"Did
you find him?" Mac asked. "How is he?"
"Ms.
Gale just called me. Seems that the Commander arrived back
Sunday
at Dulles.
Nothing from him afterwards, until a phone call was
logged
from him to
Deputy Director Kershaw earlier today at Langley."
Bud
explained
clearly.
Mac
was stumped. "Kershaw? What would he and Harm have to do with
one
another?"
"I
don't know, Ma'am. That was not divulged." Bud then
continued
"Nothing
from him the rest of the day, until a credit card
transaction
from
him to Capitol City Travel. I called there, pretending to have
an
emergency and
that I needed to reach him, and was able to get the
location.
He is in Chincoteague, at the Seashore Inn. I called the
Inn
and checked.
He is registered there, but they would not give me his
room
number over the phone." Bud reported the findings to Mac
as
thoroughly as
he could.
"Bud,
could I ask one more favor?" Mac began, but was stopped by
Bud's
voice.
"I
already called and got a flight for you, Ma'am. You will go via
Air
Shuttle
Express, flight 1803. The flight leaves Dulles at 0600.
There
will be a
car waiting for you at the airport, and you have a
room
reserved at
the same inn as the Commander, room 103. I reserved it
for
you for one
night."
"Bud,
tell Harriet to give you the biggest kiss she can muster as
a
thank you! That
is an order." Mac said, her eyes tearing up
slightly.
"Yes
Ma'am." Bud said with a smile.
"Really
Bud, thank you." Mac said soberly.
"It
was my pleasure, Colonel. You both are like family to me, and
I
wanted to help."
Bud said respectfully.
She
was pulled from her thoughts as the cab came to a stop and the driver
told her that she was at the Seashore Inn. Paying her fare, she
stepped out and looked at the quaint Bed and Breakfast. "OK
Marine, time to face him" she told herself, willing her feet to
move. She walked into the Inn and checked in. Making her way to her
room and putting her carry on bag on the bed, she called the front
desk. "What room is Harmon Rabb in? I'm an old friend and want
to surprise him."
The matronly woman from the front desk
stated, "He was in 105. Oh dear, I'm sorry. He checked out this
morning."
The wind was let out of Mac's sails. She was
crushed. Hanging up the phone, she wiped a stray tear that fell down
her cheek. Hugging her arms around her, she walked out and looked
over the Atlantic. Compelled, she slid the door open and made her way
to the shoreline to let her heart grieve.
Mac walked slowly up
the coast, taking in the crisp breeze. She thought of nothing in
particular, but was saddened at the lost opportunities that they had.
The shore was fairly empty, save for a couple fishermen and a person
up ahead of her. The person was walking too, and the slumped
shoulders told her that this person had a lot weighing on their mind
as well. As she walked on, she noticed that the person seemed to be
walking back in her general direction, then as the figure came
closer, she could make out more detail. Stopping in her tracks, she
knew instantly that it was Harm. Picking up her pace, she could see
him do the same.
Her heart pounding, Mac stopped when she got
about five feet away. Again, he mirrored her actions, and the two
just stood there taking in each other's presence.
Harm was at
a loss for words. He did not expect her to find him here. He remained
a little cautious, since the last time she was back on US soil, she
basically threw down the gauntlet of their relationship, only to yet
again run into some else's arms before he could respond.
"Hi."
Harm greeted her a little coolly.
"Hi yourself. Can we
talk?" Mac asked.
Harm held his hand out gesturing for
them to continue their walk together.
Mac took in his inner
conflict and decided to begin, "You don't call, you don't write,
what is going on with you?"
Harm looked at her blankly,
"What do you mean? I just got back."
"Not
exactly true. I made some calls. You got back Sunday, but last time I
checked, there were phones in Paraguay." Mac countered.
Harm
stopped, and turned to look her in the face, "Mac, listen. If
you are going to badger me, then I think we need to cut this visit
short."
"Well, I want to know just what the hell is
going on. Why did you quit JAG?" Mac demanded.
"My
actions are of no consequence to you or to anyone else in JAG,
Colonel." Harm said, anger flashing in his eyes. He could feel
his defenses rising and seemed helpless to prevent it. "Not an
acceptable answer. I want answers, I want the whole story." Mac
questioned.
"I think that you should go back to DC. Tell
Clay I said hello." Harm said as he turned back and continued to
walk, indicating that he wanted her to go. This was not working out
as he wanted it to, and he could not believe the venomous tone he was
projecting.
Mac was determined not to let him have the upper
hand. "I'm not leaving. Not until we talk, and as far as Webb is
concerned, you can tell him whenever you see him next."
Harm's
rage was rising so fast that he missed that last clue. "Goddamn
it Mac, I said that I wanted you to leave. I can't do this
anymore."
Mac rose, determined to get some answers. "What
can't you do anymore, Harm? Tell me, so we'll both know."
Harm's
eyes flashed with fury as he stopped, faced her and spoke. "OK
Mac, I tried to warn you, but you insist on pushing this. I have
spent the last 7 years on a roller coaster. I have been afraid of
change, never wanting to lose our friendship. But you know, when you
visited me before you left with Webb, you gave me a wakeup call. I
stayed awake all that night thinking about what you had said and how
it had affected me. As a matter of fact, I spent most of the nights
you were gone either thinking about what I had done by pushing you
away, or having nightmares that you were killed."
Mac
heard what he had said, and interrupted, "You are not telling me
what makes this difficult enough to give up your career and why you
'Can't do this anymore'. She was not giving him an inch of
leeway.
Harm's pulse raced as he continued. "So sue me
for not wanting for you to be killed. I spent days in agony over
whether you were alive, and if you were going to come back to
me."
Mac moved to stand closer in front of Harm, the need
to be near him stronger than it had been in ages. Her emotions that
had been in check for so long were working their way to the
surface.
Harm continued, "So when I hear bad news, I
resign my commission and go to you, just in time to prevent you from
being tortured. Then, as the thanks I get, I get to watch you yet
again go to another man. So, you are right. I can't do this anymore.
I can't stand by and let you go to another man. It hurts too much. I
will go somewh.."
Harm's words were halted by Mac's
finger on his lips. "Shhhh" She said softly as she looked
into his eyes and drew his head down to meet her lips with his.
The
kiss began softly, and then increased in passion, lasting for several
moments. They both pulled away, breathless.
"Sarah."
Harm began as his heart slowed enough for him to speak.
"Harm,
I am not in love with Webb. I kissed him as a way to comfort him, but
I spoke to him once he was stable enough. I told him that I loved
him, and was grateful for what he did, but that I was in love with
you." Mac explained.
Harm could hardly believe his ears.
She loved him! "Don't say things you don't mean, Mac." He
said, his heart beating fast with excitement.
"I haven't
yet" Mac replied, the familiar answer rolling off her lips with
a coy smile.
Harm reached out and stroked her cheek with his
hand. "Say it again."
Sarah smiled as she repeated
the words she had so longed to tell him. "I love you."
Slowly,
Harm gave a small comforting smile. "Well then, since I am in
love with you too, I should thank my lucky stars."
Mac
smiled at him as Harm drew her into another kiss.
They
continued to walk together after the kiss broke. Neither said a word,
they were content to be in each other's presence. After a short
while, the winds began to grow cooler, and rain clouds began to roll
in closer to shore.
Hand in hand, Harm and Mac made their way
back to the hotel and into Mac's awaiting room. "So, how did you
know where I was?" Mac asked.
Harm gave a small laugh and
began, "Let me tell you about being in the right place at the
wrong time."
Chapter 3
The
rest of the way back to the hotel, Harm related the events leading up
to the entire fake wedding fiasco, and was pleasantly surprised to
find that Mac found the entire thing as funny as he had. Sliding the
glass door closed, Harm turned and faced Mac. He moved closer to her,
taking her in his arms yet again and pulled her to him, kissing her
gently. This was not a kiss of passion, but of new beginnings and to
seal the promise of newfound love.
"No more
misunderstandings. We share when ever we are having a problem."
Mac said as they broke from the kiss.
Harm smiled and said,
"Well then I guess we need to talk. I have a problem."
Mac
looked at him quizzically. "What problem now?"
"I
need to tell the woman I love that I want her to have dinner. With
me. Tonight." Harm stammered.
"You're nervous."
Mac stated more than asked.
Harm's sheepish grin answered
before he could. "A little. Why don't we get comfortable and
talk. We need to get some things out in the open. What?" He
paused, trying to interpret the strange expression on her face.
Mac
was amazed. "Nothing. I just never thought that I would ever
hear those words come from you. Not when it meant that we were going
to talk about us."
"Times change and so do people. I
think that it is high time that I get out of the need to hide my
feelings from you and from myself." Harm reasoned.
Sitting
down on the small couch in the room, Harm began. "I think that
this all began back the first day I met you. I know that you saw the
sense of extreme déjà vu that came over me, but to tell
you the truth, deep down I could sense the chemistry between us then,
but I pushed it back thinking that it had something to do with your
resemblance to Diane."
Mac joined him on the couch. "But
what about after all this time? Surely you were not still wrestling
with that after that night on the dock. You seemed to have let it
go."
Harm nodded. "Yes, I did let it go that night.
That kiss scared me. I began kissing Diane; seeing you in that
uniform made the hairs on my neck stand on end. Then when I felt your
lips, your kiss, I knew that it was you. When I opened my eyes, I
knew that I was kissing you, and it threw me for a bit."
Mac
recalled the moment. "So, when you pulled away and looked so
torn and confused."
Harm filled in the rest of her
thought. "It wasn't because you weren't Diane; it was because I
knew that it was you, and that I was in trouble."
Mac
looked confused. "In trouble?"
"Yeah, because I
knew who I was kissing, and I felt the connection that we shared. I
knew that what we had shared in that brief moment was stronger, more
passionate than Diane and I shared the entire time we were together.
I knew that one day we would both be lovers or enemies, because the
feelings I felt for you were so strong, we could not be so close to
each other and remain apart." Harm explained as he looked into
the deep brown pools of Mac's eyes.
Mac took one hand and
smoothed the hair at Harm's temple. Her hand lingered on his face as
she spoke. "So that is why we have always been so up and
down?"
Harm nodded. "I think that is part of it.
When we were in Sydney that night, you were ready, I saw that and the
fear of messing things up with you and ruining our friendship was
more than I could handle. I had to work past that before I could let
go."
"So that's what you meant by 'not yet'?"
Mac asked.
"I'm not particularly proud of that night. I
had always had a tough time dealing with all the time that Brumby was
putting in pursuing you, and I thought that the last thing that I
needed was to get into a competition." Harm stated.
"If
you would have let me in, there would never have been any
competition." Mac reasoned. "I was hurt and angry. Looking
back on that night, I should have been, I don't know, flattered, I
guess that you were only that way with me. I should have taken a clue
that you were not pushing me away, but rather you were letting me
know that you wanted something more substantial and was willing to
wait until you were ready to take it on."
"But you
ran to Brumby." Harm stated. Things were getting intense and he
tried to keep an accusatory tone from his voice.
Mac gave a
small grimace before answering. "I know and I am sorry. As I
said, I was hurt. I thought that like all good things that had come
by in my life, I was not entitled to your love. I thought that since
I could not have whom I wanted, I would at least settle for someone
who wanted me. I never could tell him I loved him, because every time
I tried, I knew I was lying. Harriet saw through me, I think before I
was even ready to admit it to myself. Here I was being fitted for my
wedding gown, and I did not have the strength even to pretend to be
happy. She noticed and called me on it. I was so ashamed of myself at
that point; I couldn't even come clean then."
Harm took
her hand into his and gave it a small kiss of reassurance. "Well,
I know one thing for certain. I will never stand by and watch you go
to someone else again. I couldn't bear it. Saying goodbye to you at
your engagement party was one of the hardest things that I have ever
had to do. I know better now about Webb, but there in Paraguay, I
could feel that old hurt again. I thought that since you had made
your choice, I might was well have flown in from the moon; I was too
late to tell you how I really felt. We were tied up with getting to
the missiles, so there wasn't much time for us to talk, and then we
crashed. The guard got to us so quickly that again we were separated.
By the time the dust had settled, I was so full of self- pity that I
had convinced myself that since you didn't want me, I would just
leave you alone to be happy with Clay."
Harm paused,
taking in the tears that were now silently falling down Sarah
Mackenzie's cheek. She was sensitive to his feelings. "I had
planned on starting over again somewhere that you would not have to
see me. No, scratch that. Somewhere I would not have to see you. The
thought of seeing you day in and day out, happy with someone else was
making me crazy. I thought that I would drive here for a few days to
get my head back together and then start with the CIA as soon as my
leave was over. I figured that I could get an advisory posting
overseas somewhere, and that would be the end of that."
The
tears that had slowly begun in Mac's eyes were now falling harder.
She could empathize with his conflict; as she had once been in the
same spot. "I can identify with that feeling. I stood out in the
rain the night Mic left, and watched you try to console Renee. I felt
like I had a chance with you, and was coming to you, only to have my
heart ripped out and handed back to me. I caught the first TAD
assignment out of the country to get away. My heart and my pride had
taken too much of a beating for me to come back to JAG the next day,
acting as if everything were fine. Between the wedding being
cancelled, Mic leaving and the hurt that I felt watching you two, I
knew that I had to get away. Hurt and pride had gotten me involved
with Mic in the first place; I knew that I might do something stupid
if I stayed at home. At least in Indonesia I could take part in the
Corps, and not have people asking me if I was ok every time I turned
around."
Harm was surprised. He never knew that she was
outside. In his mind's eye, he could see Sarah Mackenzie standing in
the street below his apartment taking in the scene of him holding
Renee in his arms. He could see the tears of anguish mix with the
steady patter of falling raindrops on her face; the hurt expression
on her face, in her eyes. The need to hold her was too great. Leaning
forward, he pulled her into his arms and held her to him tightly.
"I
can't erase what brought us here today, the hurt and the
disappointment. To be honest, I don't know that we would be here
where we are right now without it." Harm said as he tipped her
chin up, allowing her to look him in the eye. "But I can promise
you that I do love you, and that I will do everything in my power
never to bring that much pain to you again." He brushed the
slowing tears from her cheek, and kissed her softly on the lips, as
if to seal his promise.
Mac returned the kiss softly. "Where
do we go from here? I don't want to lose you, and I don't want to fly
half way around the world just to see you."
"I could
return to the Navy. I don't know if the Admiral would take me back,
but the fact is that if we both go back there, we are in the same
chain of command. The next time one of us is promoted, we would be
going against the rules. Hell, even if we aren't promoted any time
soon, it is questionable."
"To put this as gently as
possible, that is a bunch of crap, Harm. We can make it work; we can
talk to the Admiral. He worked something out for Bud and Harriet. I
know that they did not have to face each other in court, but there
has to be a way. Look at it this way, we could give it a try, talk to
him. If we can't, then you already have plans to leave, or you can
return to the Navy and I can leave the Corps."
Harm shook
his head adamantly. "I can't let you do that, Mac."
Mac
asked, "Why? You're ready to give up the Navy for me."
"That's
different."
"Why is it different, Harm?"
"It
just is." Harm said, his eyes cast downward.
Mac ended
this discussion. She drew his face up and pulled him into a gentle
kiss. "Let's table this until we can talk to the Admiral. As for
the rest, we have really had the chance to get it out in the
open."
Harm looked deeply into her eyes and asked, "As
you asked, where do we go from here? I think that we both want to be
together, I just want to know how we want to go about this."
Mac
said, "I could say that we should take things slow, but since we
have taken 7 years already, I think we have the world record for a
slow relationship."
Harm laughed at her comment. "I
want to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much I love
you. I think that we don't have to have any time table for this, we
can just let nature take its course."
"I think you
are right. I love you, Harm."
"And I love you,
Sarah."
They came together in a soft kiss that built into
a passionate exchange, breaking away only when the need for breath
overpowered them. Harm sat back on the couch and pulled her onto him
to cuddle on the couch. The feeling of peace and love that they
finally felt rocked them gently to sleep, together in each other's
arms.
1500
hours Zulu
Mac's Hotel Room
Chincoteague,
Virginia
Harm was the first to awaken, and he slowly replayed
the morning's events over in his mind. He watched Sarah Mackenzie
sleep and silently thanked his stars for things turning out as they
had so far. Reaching over to the phone, he called the front desk and
quietly asked them to renew his reservations. Hanging up the phone,
he gently slid out from under Mac and off the couch, allowing the
woman he loved to rest.
Quickly he slid over to his room,
pulled out some items for that evening's dinner, and hung them
outside the door to be pressed and returned to his room by the hotel.
Turning to leave, his eyes caught the small journal that held his
thoughts and feelings about the woman he held dear and the events
leading up to today. Picking up the book, he returned to find Sarah
still asleep.
Harm pulled up a chair near her and opening the
book, he took a pen and began to write.
Things
have really changed since my last entry! I count
myself
fortunate
as to possess the loved of the woman that owns my heart.
Mac
and I had a
chance to talk things out and to tell you the truth, I
think
that it is the first time that I have opened up to
someone,
anyone,
and know that I trust her not to hurt me. I have loved her
as
long as I have
known her, and I know that I will spend the rest of my
life
loving her. We have not talked about the future, but I know
that
I want her to
be my best friend, my lover, the mother of my children
and
my wife. I cannot imagine my life without her.
I
have learned so much about myself doing this exercise and the
self-
reflection
that it requires. I know that my sense of pride has kept
me
from happiness
for far too long and it will no longer stand in my way.
Sarah
Mackenzie is my home. I love her as I have never loved
anyone,
and I am
going to take the next 50 or 60 years reminding her of
that
fact.
We
are going to take things as they come, but there are so many
things
that have
yet to be answered. Should I ask to return to the Navy?
Would
the Admiral take me back? Should I finish out my time and
see
what the CIA
has to offer? I have to make a decision, but not alone,
and
not today. Right now, I intend to get ready and take Mac out
to
dinner at a
little restaurant that the hotel staff recommended. I want
to
enjoy the rest of our stay here, no pressures from the outside,
and
no worries
right now. Tomorrow and the next day will bring
challenges,
but
today, I will not worry over them. I just want to spend it
with
Sarah. I see
her beginning to wake, so I will close this chapter of
my
life, as I am
to begin another with the woman I love.
I
never did get to buy my Mom a present, but you know, I think
that
this one will
far outweigh anyone that I could have bought!
The
End.