Author: Teacup 2005
Disclaimer in
Mac brought the coffee over and curled up on the end of the sofa opposite Harm. “So …”
“So …” Harm repeated. “What’s our first order of business?”
“I don’t know where to start,” admitted Mac.
“Well, I have to tell Mattie about our news,” started Harm, “but I want to do it in person. I guess I’ll have to wait until after work tomorrow.”
“Is she going to be mad we didn’t tell her tonight?”
“I don’t think so.
It was already late. She’s
not expecting to hear from me until later tomorrow anyhow. I was going to call her after I got to
Mac pursed her lips for a moment. “I wish I could go with you to tell her.”
“Me too.”
“You know who else you need to tell?” Mac’s voice suddenly sounded excited.
“I don’t know, the whole world. I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen.” He grinned.
“You’d better start with your mother.”
“Ooh, Mom. How should we handle that?”
“She’s your mother!”
“Yeah, I know. I need to tell my Grandma too.”
“Uh-huh.” Mac nodded in agreement. After a moment, her smile lessened. “They’ll be happy right?”
“They’ll be ecstatic! I think Mom had given up hope on me ever finding a woman to settle down with.”
“You think she’ll approve of me?”
“Why wouldn’t she?”
“I don’t know … I’m a marine, I’m not blonde, I’m an alcoholic, I’m keeping you from furthering your career, I’ve killed people, I have a very bad history with men, … I can’t give her any grandchildren …”
“Hey, Mac,” he stopped her. “Where is this coming from?”
“I don’t know. I’m just looking at myself from her point of view.”
“Mac! Come on.” He looked at her, disapproving her line of thinking. “The fact that you are a marine is to be respected. The blonde comment is just stupid, and you know it.” At that he gave her a pointed glare, before continuing with a softened expression.
“You haven’t had a drink in years. As for my work,
… believe me, my Mom cares more about me getting married than my naval
career. Not to mention the fact
that following you to
“I guess,” conceded Mac.
“What else? Having killed people? Mom knows that’s a risk of the job. You’ve only done it when it couldn’t be helped, the same as me, same as my Dad. And your past with men is … well, just that, … in the past.”
“Which still leaves the issue of my not being able to give you children.”
“Mac, we talked about this. You already know how I feel about that.”
“But not how your Mom will feel. My guess is she wants grandkids from you. Especially since you are her only child.”
“Look,” he took her hand. “She will love you, because I love you, and because you’re actually willing to marry me. Actually, I know she’ll be happy it’s you, because she’s been hinting that I should ask you out for years.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“But she doesn’t even know me,” objected Mac.
“I guess she knows enough. From things I’ve told her.”
Mac countered, “She doesn’t know that I can’t have children though, does she?”
“We don’t know for sure that you can’t,” Harm corrected her. “Mom doesn’t need to know anything about your condition yet, and if she asks about our plans, we tell her the truth … that we’d like to have a baby. That we’re going to try. We’ll take everything else one step at a time. Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Sorry.”
“For what?” Harm pulled Mac close into his arms, with her back partly to his chest. “For being such a beautiful, intelligent, strong, caring woman?” He kissed her on the top of her head. “Mom is going to thank God for how lucky I am to have you. I know I do.”
Mac shifted and leaned back across his lap, resting her head on the arm of the sofa, so that she could look at him. “You do know how to sweet talk a girl, don’t you?”
Harm just smiled in return.
Mac looked him intently in the eyes. “I consider myself pretty lucky too.” After a few seconds of silence, she diverted back to their previous topic. “So you’re going to call your Mom tomorrow?”
“Guess I should.
Unless …” his eyes lit up, “you want to visit her when you get to
“Me? By myself?” Mac raised her eyebrows. “Are you nuts? This is something she needs to hear from you.”
“You’re right,” he admitted. “But I’m going to need information to give her. You know, … something about the when and where we’re getting married.”
“Yeah, I guess we need to start deciding that. So what are your thoughts on the subject?” Mac asked. She was enjoying lying in his lap, the feel of him running his fingers through her hair.
“Well, I do have a few requests,” Harm stated.
“Alright, let’s hear them.”
“One: I’m the groom and you’re the bride.”
Mac laughed. “That’s a given.”
“Good. Two: I want you to have whatever kind of wedding you want: whether it’s formal military, civilian, church, courthouse, big, small, downtown cathedral, or on a hillside with assorted grazing animals as our witnesses.”
Mac laughed again, hardly believing that Harm had paid attention to, much less remembered, her comment from long ago about marrying on a hillside. “You don’t want a say in the kind of wedding?” she asked.
“I’ll help you plan the details if you want, and I suppose there are a few things that would be so ridiculous that I’d have to object to, … but generally the type of ceremony doesn’t really matter to me. I’d just as soon elope with you tomorrow. I know that’s not realistic, but it does bring me to request number three.”
“Which is?”
“For us to be married as soon as reasonably possible.”
“I absolutely agree. Anything else?”
Harm became more somber. “Just that you give me heads up on how much this wedding is going to cost, so I can work on budgeting accordingly. I mean, I’m looking at a lot of expenses all of a sudden. And my employment prospects are iffy at the moment. I should be able to swing it, but I just need to plan my finances so …”
“Harm,” Mac interrupted. “No matter how much or little this wedding costs, I’m not going to let you pay for the whole thing by yourself. It’s a shared expense.”
“The bride can’t pay for the wedding, that’s not … proper.”
“Harm, don’t get chauvinistic.”
“It’s not chauvinistic, … it’s tradition.”
“No, if you’re talking tradition, the father of the bride pays, but seeing as how I don’t have one, not that it would matter if he were still alive, it makes sense that at least part of the costs are paid from the bride’s side.”
“Point taken.” Harm might have argued more, but he already felt bad that he made her bring up her father. That … and he didn’t really have any logical argument.
“No more resistance? I’m impressed.” Mac really was pleasantly astounded.
“Believe it or not, it’s not my life’s ambition to argue with you.”
“Huh. Who knew?” she smiled teasingly. But then she asked him seriously, “Harm, what other expenses were you referring to?”
“Well, we’re going to have to find a place to live …”
“Definitely another shared expense, so we’ll work it out together.”
“Then there is taking care of Mattie, with her medical bills and everything … That’s not a shared expense.”
“Yes it is.” Mac surprised Harm with the swiftness of her answer. “I want to help take care of Mattie. And really Harm, once we’re married our resources become pooled, you know?”
“I guess. I just feel like …”
“… like your male pride hurts to think about your wife helping to pay for things, which in the past it was the man’s role to do,” she completed his sentence.
“Something like that, … but I guess I’ll get over it.” He was looking a bit ashamed now. However, his heart had skipped a beat in a very good way to hear Mac refer to herself as his wife, even in reference to the future.
“You’d better, partner,” she stated with emphasis.
The last word was not lost on Harm. “Yes, dear,” he smiled.
“You don’t have to be condescending about it.” She wasn’t quite sure if he had been sarcastic or not; she wasn’t used to him calling her ‘dear.’
“I’m not,” Harm corrected. “I get your point. We’re entering into a new type of partnership by getting married, and just like our past partnership at work, we’re equals and we both should contribute whatever we can.”
“Wow, you do get it.” She was definitely impressed that he wasn’t being pigheaded and fighting her. He really had matured.
“Yes, I do. But there is one expense I was referring to that I refuse to have you pay any part of.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. It involves a certain item that I’d like to see right ...” He lifted up her left hand. “… here.” He gently kissed the back of her hand over her ring finger.
Mac looked at him, and Harm could see the glimmer in her eyes. But she didn’t say anything. Eventually Harm asked, “I trust that will be okay?”
Mac nodded her head and finally whispered, “Yes.”
“Good. So, what are your thoughts on our wedding?” he asked.
Mac took a deep breath and sighed. “Honestly, the idea of eloping is kind of appealing, but I think we owe it to certain people to invite them to a real ceremony.”
“I suppose.”
“Just something small though. I don’t want too many people, just those closest and most important to us.”
“Sounds good to me,” he agreed.
She continued, “I think … it might be nice to have a military wedding. I mean, I do love to see you in your dress uniform.”
“Oh? I thought dress whites and gold wings were overrated?”
“They are,” she laughed, before admitting, “… on anyone but you.”
“Well then, dress uniform can be arranged.” Harm grinned, thinking of times when he had worn his dress whites around her in the past, wondering exactly what effect it had on her.
“I’m not sure about how soon we can realistically do this,”
Mac sighed. “I guess it’ll depend
on where we want to have it. I’ll
have to check out places in
“You know, I was thinking …” Harm started. “I know we said we’d get married in
either
“That does seem like a good idea, except that I’m going to be
in
“If it will speed up my becoming your husband, I’ll visit every church, hotel, and hillside within eighty miles.”
Mac chuckled again. “Okay, but I want to be consulted.”
“Of course.”
“And although there is something appealing about hillsides, I don’t really think I want to risk an outdoor wedding after all.”
“You sure?”
“Yes. Rain, heat, bugs. Things I don’t mind coping with in war zones, but I don’t want to have to battle during our nuptials. So, you can scratch hillsides off your list of places to visit.”
“Oh good, I wasn’t sure how to find hillsides listed in the phone book.”
Mac smiled briefly at his comment. “Harm … what you said earlier …”
“I said a lot of things earlier.”
“About taking our vows before the state, the world, and God?”
“Yeah?”
“You’d like to get married in a church, wouldn’t you?”
“Mac, I’d like to have a wedding that will make you happy.”
“… I think we should consider talking to Chaplain Turner. He might have some ideas for us.”
“Okay. I’ll make an appointment to see him.”
Mac looked amused. “So I’m really leaving you with the work of arranging our wedding?”
“I won’t make any final decisions without you.”
“I know. I just meant it’s a lot of hassle for you.”
“It might be for the best,” Harm pointed out, “since you’re going to have a lot on your plate with your new job.” Amusedly, he added, “And I’ll probably be able to recruit some help.” He winked as he said his last comment.
“Mmm,” she nodded. “… Remember, though, that Coates is
planning on coming to
“I have a feeling Jen isn’t the only one around here who likes to be involved in wedding planning.”
“Just don’t cut me out of the decision-making process,” Mac warned lightly. She sighed. “I really don’t like that we have to do all this long distance.”
“No, but I’ll come visit you the first chance I get.”
“’Cause you’re going to miss me so much?” Mac teased, putting her hand over Harm’s.
“That … and we have to look for a place to live.”
“Ah, right. … I’ll start scouting out some places when I get there. It would be helpful to know where you will end up working, but I can at least start checking out the market.”
“That’d be good,” Harm agreed. “… So have we made all the decisions we can make for tonight?” he asked.
“I think so.” Mac, enjoying the comfort of lying across Harm’s lap and snuggling close, was beginning to reconsider her ability to get a little sleep. Wanting to add to the finality of their discussion, she added, “Have we said all the things that need to be said?”
Mac could not have imagined that her simple question, one she considered a mere echoing of their goals for the night: ‘plans to make and things to discuss,’ would bring about such a stark reaction from Harm.
He said nothing, but his eyes suddenly took on that far away look. He took his hands away from her and clenched one of them firmly on the arm of the couch. Mac became alarmed, “Harm?”
When Harm did not respond, Mac sat up in a flash and turned to face him again. Harm opened his mouth to say something, but, still, nothing came out.
“Harm, what is it?” Mac tried again.
He finally focused, “Sorry, Mac, … it’s nothing.”
“Is there something else we need to talk about?” she asked.
“No, nothing else we need to talk about.”
He was worrying her. “Something that you need to say to me?” she tried again.
“No,” he answered simply.
“Something that I need to say to you?” Mac didn’t even think that made sense, so she was taken aback when he hesitated to answer.
“… No, … not really,” he finally managed to respond.
That confirmed for Mac that the problem had to do with something he thought she should be telling him. It also left her completely confused.
“You want me to say something?”
“No, forget it Mac. It’s nothing. It’s okay, really.”
“It’s not okay. Something is bothering you. No more games, remember? Talk to me Harm. I’m not a mind reader.”
“Neither am I …” Harm regretted saying it as soon as it slipped out. Why couldn’t he let this go? Everything was going so well. He didn’t need the words. True, he had been secretly hoping that sometime tonight, during their discussions or between kisses, she would have said them. But he already knew it in his heart, didn’t he?
Mac was more puzzled than ever. They had just been in a total state of bliss, or at least she had. And she thought they had been discussing their future quite successfully. So what just happened? Did he think she was hiding something from him?
“Harm, if you have a question for me, ask it.”
“… I don’t. I’m sorry. It’s nothing. Just me being stupid.” He could tell that he wasn’t convincing her. “Really,” he added, as if the extra word would somehow help to assure her.
“Why don’t you let me judge if you’re being stupid or not.”
“Trust me, I am. Please let it go.”
“Like that’s going to happen! If it’s not a big deal, just tell me.” Mac was getting very frustrated, and Harm was not talking. Maybe she should try a different tactic. He was acting like a child, so maybe she should treat him like one. “How about you finish this sentence: ‘Mac, I want to know …’”
After a second he responded, “I … already know it, so it doesn’t matter. It’s okay.”
It sounded to Mac like he did think she was hiding something. “Harm, this is you leaving me hanging and feeling hurt again. I can’t take this.”
She felt her heart breaking. How were they going to be married if he couldn’t talk to her? If he didn’t trust her? And after all that happened tonight, how could she live without marrying him? The tears were welling up in her eyes.
Harm hated himself. He didn’t want to cause her any more pain. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Mac, it really is nothing; … I just wondered … Wanted to hear …” he stopped.
“What?”
“… about your feelings.”
“My feelings?” This was not what she had expected after all the trouble of getting him to spit out the problem. Maybe he was covering to avoid the real issue.
But then she saw him give his bashful nod, and knew he was telling the truth.
“Right now, I’m feeling confused,” Mac uttered. Harm didn’t respond. So she continued more softly, “Harm, I don’t mind telling you about my feelings. I know I’ve pushed you away in the past, but I’m not going to do that anymore, … or at least, I’m going to try not to.”
He still didn’t say anything, so she questioned, “You want to
know my feelings about what? … I think I’ve been through almost every emotion
there is tonight, with everything that’s happening. What do you want to know my feelings
about? Getting married? … Your career? … Moving to
Harm still wasn’t answering and wasn’t looking at her. Mac begged, “Tell me. Harm, about what? My feelings about what?” She was becoming more desperate in her insistence.
“About me …” he finally blurted out, though barely audible.
Mac was astounded. “You know how I feel about you, Harm. I want to marry …”
And then it hit her. She had never told him, never used the words that she had been so bent on hearing from him. He had thrown the mind reader phrase back in her face, and she missed the clue.
And again, as she thought about it, her past was enough to cast doubt on the connection between her willingness to marry and her love for a man.
“Oh God, Harm. I haven’t told you, have I?”
He timidly shook his head. She looked at him and saw how vulnerable he could be. This strong man needed to hear that she loved him; he needed to be reassured too. How could she not have told him after he had slipped in over and over again tonight how much he loved her?
“Harm, it’s not stupid. Not stupid at all.” She took his hand in hers and met his eyes. “Harm, I love you,” she declared. “I do. … More than I can express. I’ve thought so many times over the years about how much I’m in love with you, I guess … I just got in the habit of not saying it.”
“Mac, I …” Harm was elated at hearing her say it for the first time. And the look in her eyes told him she meant it. He didn’t want her to have to struggle though explanations right now.
“No, Harm, I need you to understand some things. Because objectively, I realize you have every reason to doubt me. I married Chris, but I didn’t love him. I almost married Mic, and I didn’t love him. God, I’ve pretty much told every man who has ever said he loved me, that I loved him too, even though I didn’t. Not in that way.
“… With
“But, you’ve always been different, Harm. You’ve never pressured me or guilted me into loving you. I mean, … at least you’ve always backed off when I asked you to, even … even when I didn’t really want you to. You’ve just been there for me … when I needed you. But I was dumb, … and I thought that because you didn’t come after me and say you wanted me, … that you didn’t love me, … that you would never love me. … So even though I have been in love with you for such a long time, I have done everything I could to try to bury it.”
“Oh, Mac …” Harm reached for Mac’s face to wipe away some of her tears, but she caught his hand, stopping him, while she went on, despite her crying.
“And maybe, I don’t know, … maybe since you finally told me you loved me, I was just so happy to hear it, I didn’t think about you not knowing how I felt … I mean, it wasn’t like when the others said it to me, and I always felt, … well, guilty, … like I should feel the same for them. It made me feel obligated to tell them back, … so I did, but I ended up lying to them.”
Through her onslaught of tears, Mac continued. “… But see, I didn’t feel guilty for not feeling the same when you said it, because I’ve always loved you, … and it didn’t occur to me that you needed to hear it. I mean, I just didn’t think about it. … I’m sorry.”
Harm tried to interrupt again, “Mac, it’s okay. … Deep down I …”
“Don’t, Harm. It’s not okay. … Give me a minute to get myself together, okay?” Mac disappeared, wiping the tears running down her face.
Harm sat there alone, hating himself. He was such an idiot. He knew she loved him. Hadn’t he really known all along? Well, he knew now; she had just poured out her soul to him. … And he made her cry – again. Why couldn’t he have just let it be?
But then, it did make him feel better to have heard it. Sarah MacKenzie said she was in love with him!
------------
Mac reappeared, much calmer than when she left, but looking worn. Harm began to apologize, “Mac, I’m sorry. … I didn’t mean to upset you, but I … well, it’s nice to hear that you love me.”
“I want to prove it to you, Harm. That I really do love you, like no one else.”
“Mac, I know you do. I should never have …”
“Harm, please. Let me do this.”
“Do what?”
“… Present my case. Prove that I feel differently about you than any other man I’ve ever met – that I’m in love with you, … only you.”
“You’ve already told me you love me …”
“But I told other men that too, and it was basically a lie to them. I need you to know that I’m not lying to you. I don’t want you to have any doubts.”
“I know you’re not lying to me.”
“Humor me?”
“How do you plan on proving this anyhow?”
“Present evidence.”
“Evidence of your feelings?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not necessary, Mac …” he started. But when she shot him a look he added, “… But I’ll play along.”
“Good. Fine.” She took a deep breath. “We’ll have to forego any formal rules of evidence and procedure here, but I swear everything I tell you is the truth.”
“Okay.”
“Right. First, … I’d like to point out that practically everyone who has met me in the last nine years has suspected that I was in love with you. But oddly enough, no one has ever accused me of being in love with any other man.
“And any guy who has been involved with me during that time realized that my heart really belonged to you. I couldn’t hide it from them, no matter how much I tried. That is why Mic eventually left.
“And Chloe figured me out long ago, though I’ve yet to admit to her that she was right. I’ve even had practical strangers comment on how much I must love you. And people like Alexei, when you were in Chechnya, and I needed to warn you, and … well maybe that’s a bad example because I was trying to save your life, and I guess I’d put myself in peril to save the life of my best friend. But, still, … he knew I loved you.
“And you know who else knew? Your girlfriends, Harm. They hated me, because a woman can sense when another woman is in love with the man she’s involved with.”
Harm smiled, remembering the number of times people had made comments to him about the feelings between him and Mac. He suspected that his prior girlfriends were not so much upset because of how they thought Mac felt about him, but because they sensed that he was in love with her.
Mac didn’t notice Harm’s reaction. She was too consumed by her own train of thought.
“And I hated them too, Harm. Maybe not hated, but I was jealous as Hell. You know, even back when Jordan told me that she thought you were just with her until I decided I wanted you … God, I’ve never wanted to believe someone so much in my life, … even though I didn’t think she could have been too perceptive, because she was already wrong about us. I mean, she was under the impression that we had already slept together back then.”
Harm wanted to follow up on those last comments, but Mac was not to be interrupted.
“Okay, I know that’s all flimsy – what other people think, but I must be giving out some signals of loving you if other people have picked up on it, when I’d been so desperately trying to hide it.”
She paused. “But what I really want to get to is … I’ve admitted to you that I’ve told other men I loved them, but I’ve never outright told you that I actually did love any of them, right?”
“Right. … Well, no, you did,” Harm changed his answer as he remembered.
“What?”
“You did tell me you loved Mic.”
“No, I didn’t. I told you that you didn’t get to ask that question.” Mac was quite sure she had avoided answering that particular inquiry.
“That’s what you told me on the Admiral’s porch,” Harm agreed. “But when Brumby left, you said it was because he didn’t believe you loved him.”
“He was right, I didn’t.”
“But when I asked if you did, you said yes.”
“Did I?”
Harm nodded.
“I don’t remember that,” confessed Mac. “I guess I was hurt, and I didn’t want to admit that I had been about to marry a man I didn’t love. I must have just meant that I cared about him. But I wasn’t in love with him, Harm.”
“Mac, I understand. And you were understandably distressed at the time. I won’t count it, if it’ll make you feel better.”
She nodded. “Well, … I’ve never told anyone else that I loved any of the men I dated either, because it wasn’t true.” She paused to reconsider, and then qualified her statement. “Well, I did tell Webb’s mom that I loved him, but I was trying to get her to admit that he was still alive, and I was feeling guilty, because she was telling me about how much he loved me. And, again, I meant ‘love’ in a caring sort of way …”
“Mac. …” Harm was trying to stop her from babbling, especially about one of his least favorite topics.
“The point is,” she continued, “I have clearly admitted to someone else that I am in love with you. It wasn’t even an answer to a yes or no question. … I said it. And there was no guilt involved, no responding back to a claim that I was loved, no distress, and no pressure. … Well, at least not pressure to say what I did.”
This definitely piqued Harm’s interest. “What are you talking about?”
She finally slowed down a bit and paused. “Actually, I’m surprised you haven’t already gotten this out of me tonight, since you said you were going to ask me about it.”
“I did?” He was confused, because he was sure he would have remembered something about an admission of love from her.
She reminded him with one word. “Sturgis.”
Harm suddenly remembered the strange comment Sturgis had made earlier about keeping Mac’s secret. “You told Sturgis? That you were in love with me?”
Mac nodded her head. “I didn’t mean to. It just sort of came out. He was badgering me about the tension between you and me, and it just slipped out of my mouth. I couldn’t believe I had said it out loud. I couldn’t believe I said it at all.”
“When was this?”
“Over three and a half years ago. Not long after he came to work at JAG headquarters.”
“Three and a half … and neither of you told me!?!” Harm’s eyes were wide.
“I made him promise not to say anything,” Mac defended Sturgis.
“Why? And why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I was scared.”
There was a long stretch of silence, during which Mac couldn’t bring herself to look at Harm.
Finally, Harm said, “For a couple of decorated military heroes, we’ve made a fine pair of cowards … when it comes to loving each other.”
Mac looked up in relief. Once making eye contact, Harm went on. “I can’t very well be upset with you for being held back by the same fears that held me back from you.”
There was, at that instant, a recognition between them that much of what had kept them apart for so long was the fear that admitting their love would complicate and potentially ruin so many things.
It would certainly have changed their careers. They enjoyed what they did, and they treasured working together. Not only would one of them have had to transfer out when things became serious, but whether successful or not, an attempted romance between them would likely have affected their working relationship.
And if things didn’t work out, it could also have ruined their friendship, which was the most valued relationship that either of them had ever had. These were huge risks that neither had wanted to take.
And then there was the fear of rejection. It was the fear that the other didn’t feel the same. When the person you loved was someone you worked closely with, especially in the same chain of command, and was your best friend, it was difficult to imagine how it would ever be possible to recover from such devastation.
But then, each of them also felt that the other had already rejected them once, when they had started to take the risk. In each case it caused their relationship, as it was, to become strained and nearly broken altogether.
And it was remembering the rejection that had nearly ruined Harm’s life, that made him add, “Except …” Then he stopped. Damn it, he had done it again. He shouldn’t drudge up old issues.
“Harm, promise me something right now,” Mac insisted.
For a moment, Harm thought he was off the hook; that she was changing the subject. “Anything.”
“Promise me you’ll stop keeping things to yourself. I know you are trying not to hurt me, but I swear, not knowing makes it worse.
“I think not telling each other things, especially about issues between us, has been a huge part of what has kept us apart for so long and has been responsible for a lot of pain we’ve caused each other. Promise me, you’ll always talk to me when something is bothering you.”
Harm knew she was right. It was against his instincts, but what had his instincts gotten him all these years when it came to her? “Okay, I promise. … It’ll probably take some practice though.” As an afterthought, he added, “And I want the same from you.”
She hesitated, but knew she had to make the same concession. “I promise,” she said. “From now on, I’m open about any issues concerning us. Starting with the issue that I need you to complete your last thought out loud, because not knowing what you’re thinking when you start something like that kills me.”
“My last thought?”
“Yeah, the ‘I understand we’ve both been afraid, except …’ thought.”
“Oh, … it’s …”
“Don’t say it’s nothing, Harm. You promised.”
“Right. I was … just thinking … that I don’t
understand what you had left to be scared of after …” He was looking away. Mac wanted to prompt him as she had done
before, but gave him the chance to keep his promise on his own. And finally, he did finish, “… after
Mac remained silent.
So after a few moments, Harm explained. “I mean, the career thing wasn’t exactly a problem at the time, considering I resigned. And well, … I was ready. I wanted to talk – as soon as things settled down. You had to know I was ready to move on with you. To let go. I wanted us to talk and wanted … you.” He ventured a look in her direction, but found that he would not be able to continue if he met the pained look in her eyes, so he quickly averted his glance once more and went on.
“And your backing off obviously wasn’t to save our friendship, because your refusal ended up nearly killing that anyhow. … It nearly ended up killing me.” Harm stared at the floor, trying hard to maintain control of his emotions. His voice almost cracked as he added, “… When you told me there was no chance for us. That there never could be.”
Mac closed her eyes on her renewed tears. She couldn’t stand seeing him in such agony, especially knowing that she had been its cause. But she had to deal with this. They had to deal with it. She opened her eyes, inhaled deeply, and asked, “Nearly killed you?”
Harm could not look at her. He turned himself away, facing straight ahead, and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.
“That was the worst time in my life. I think even worse than losing my Dad. I mean, I had always carried hope about my Dad. And when I didn’t anymore, … well, I had a best friend who helped me through that.”
He turned his head slightly in her direction to indicate his appreciation of her role at that time. But he did not look at her directly, and he quickly returned to his former position.
“Even if my Dad was gone though, … I at least knew he loved me.” He swallowed hard, fighting the pressure building behind his eyes.
“But … after
The memories of his emotions, still too raw, overwhelmed Harm, despite himself. He found that he had tears in his eyes. Mac was already crying quite steadily now. For her part, she knew that she had been the cause of his loss on all counts. That was more than she could bear.
“I’m sorry, Harm. I’m so, so sorry.” It was all Mac could manage to get out between her tears for several minutes. But she turned him to her and hugged him, bringing his head down to her shoulder and holding it against her, between her hand and her cheek. She didn’t know if this was to reassure him or reassure her, but she felt the need to hold him close. He didn’t resist.
Finally, Mac collected herself enough to talk. “I don’t have a good explanation, Harm. I wish to God I did. But I don’t. What I really wish is that I could change things. But … “
Harm sat back up and looked at her. “But you can’t. I know …” Harm tried to help, now that he had regained control of his demeanor. He didn’t want her feeling guilty, but he did yearn for understanding.
Seeing his imploring look, Mac knew she had to attempt to make him comprehend what had happened, even though she wasn’t sure herself. “Everything was wrong down there. Everything. And I wasn’t thinking clearly. You had to have known that,” she gently insisted.
“You seemed to be thinking quite clearly when you declared we could never be together.” He tried to keep his voice as level as possible, but he could not entirely hide the accusatory tone.
Mac became somewhat argumentative in her frustration. “No, I wasn’t,” she protested. “I was mad, Harm, at the whole
situation. I’d been mad since I
reached
“Which is why I wanted to table the discussion.”
“And you were right,” she agreed quickly. “But you should have tried again later.”
“You said ‘never.’”
“But I didn’t mean it!” she snapped. “Not really … I was just … mad. And you were acting damned obnoxious at the time!”
“How did you expect me to be?” Harm stood up, letting the frustration get to him. “Let’s see, I’d just done a stint in the brig, during which time neither you nor anyone else I thought cared about me even acknowledged my existence.”
“We were ordered …”
He didn’t pause to hear her. “Then when I’m out, you finally come see me for all of two minutes, during which you verbally slap me in my face before walking out the door.”
“I didn’t …”
“And then you leave me literally having nightmares about what’s happening to you on what I know is a dangerous undercover mission gone bad. I resign my commission, go through Hell to finally find you about to be tortured in ways I don’t want to think about, and when you’re safe you ignore me, but you kiss Webb like there’s no tomorrow!”
“He was nearly dead; I didn’t know he’d have a tomorrow!” she yelled back.
“But he did! And you knew full well he was okay when you … unilaterally gave up on us.”
“I told you, I wasn’t thinking clearly, - feeling clearly, - whatever!” Mac now stood as well. “I told you before, I felt guilty about Webb. Harm, you don’t know what it was like listening to him scream while he was being tortured. You don’t know! And it was after he … told me he wanted me, that he loved me. He was trying to protect me …”
“You chose Webb because he was tortured for you?” Harm asked incredulously. He took a step closer to Mac. “I would have …”
“Don’t, Harm! I know you would have! It’s not a contest, and I don’t want to think about you being on that table! If it was, I wouldn’t even be …” She stopped herself.
“Be what?” He challenged in a gentler voice than he had been using, “… If I have to finish my thoughts out loud, so do you.”
“I wouldn’t even be here,” she said quietly, looking at the floor.
He didn’t understand. “Because I wouldn’t have been on the outside to stop it?” He was fishing for the explanation.
She shook her head vehemently. “No, I’m not talking about that.”
“Then what?” He decided it best not to speculate anymore, since his last guess seemed only to offend her.
“If it had been you, I would have done everything in my power to stop it.”
“But there’s nothing you could have done …”
“Exactly. I would have gone after Sadik in a stupid rage, and he would have killed me.”
Harm was shocked by her response. Not only that she had actually considered what her reaction would have been if he had been the one being tortured, but that she actually believed she would have acted so brashly.
“No you wouldn’t. You might have been tempted, but you would have come to your senses. You’re a marine.”
“And a woman in love! Look, it doesn’t matter, because, thank God, that’s not what happened. I only ruined our lives emotionally for a few more years. At least I didn’t get us both killed.”
“You didn’t ruin our … I’m still at fault too. I was a jerk down there. And I didn’t tell you what you needed to hear.”
“No, you didn’t,” she agreed. She turned her eyes away. “… I didn’t really give you a chance though, did I?”
He paused and then softly said, “… No. You do have a habit of challenging me and then walking away before I can respond.”
Mac looked at him questioningly.
He looked her directly in the eyes while he gave her some examples. “Like, accusing me that I was never interested in you when you didn’t have one foot out the door. You could have waited a minute for a response. Or before that, the time you reminded me that Brumby gave up the navy for you, and asked me what I was willing to give up for you. But you didn’t stick around to hear my answer. And I did answer.”
She remembered asking Harm that last question on the carrier when he had tried to talk to her after her breakup with Mic. “Is that why you resigned? To prove you loved me as much as Mic did?”
“No, I resigned because the Admiral didn’t leave me any other choice. I resigned because I couldn’t bear if anything happened to you!” His voice eased, “But Mac, why is it you would challenge me and run off?”
Diverting her eyes, she answered quietly, “I was scared of the answers I guess.” She slowly returned her gaze to Harm. “But is there a statute of limitations on your response time? A reason you couldn’t talk to me later?”
Switching back to
He threw that last part in, remembering what she had said to him the one time they had previously touched on this subject, the day he asked her to testify for him to get guardianship of Mattie.
Mac was ashamed that she had been subconsciously testing him. She had not wanted him to give up on her so easily. But he had taken her at her word. It had been unfair of her to expect him to come after her when she had clearly said no. At least she had that time.
“I didn’t always say never,” she said, just above a whisper.
“No, you just moved on directly to another guy.”
She knew it was true, and that hurt. But it didn’t stop Mac from defending herself. “I didn’t exactly get together with Webb right away. But you didn’t return any of my seventeen phone messages, so what was the point? Even then, for a long time it was just casual dates with him …”
“I wasn’t referring to Webb this time,” he interrupted.
“Who? … Mic? That was after you rejected me, as I recall.”
“I never rejected you, Mac.”
“I offered, Harm.
I practically threw myself at you in
“No, I didn’t. And you weren’t, … at least not with me. I said ‘not yet.’ I wasn’t ready, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want you. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you. It just meant I was still scared and needed to figure things out. But again, you didn’t give me much chance did you? Not even time to get back to the States. A matter of days and you were wearing his ring! Not even a week!”
This prompted Mac to shed yet more tears. She was concluding that it really had been her who screwed everything up. That night on the ferry, she had interpreted his ‘not yet’ to mean he wasn’t really interested; that he didn’t want her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, gulping. “Maybe secretly I hoped that seeing me with Mic would have made you realize your feelings for me, if you had any. Really, I guess it was just my pattern of taking the easy way out. Go with the guy who says he wants me, because the man I love will never love me back.”
Harm felt really bad. He had made her cry again. How many times was that tonight? He had lost count. While he had been confronting her with his insecurities, he was now seeing a pattern from her, just as she said. Only it was a pattern of her insecurities, which, he was beginning to believe, ran much deeper than he had ever realized.
But before he could think through it too much more, Mac was going on again. “And then you were going out with Renee, so obviously you’d moved on.”
“Mac, I went out with Renee because she was persistent, and with you otherwise occupied with Brumby, I didn’t really have a reason to resist her. At least she was a distraction.”
“You went out with her as a distraction?”
“I’m not proud of it. It wasn’t fair to any of us. But that was my pattern. When some guy got his hooks in you, I might as well go out with someone else.”
Come to think of it, she did see that pattern now. He would usually get in a relationship with someone else shortly after she had started dating another guy. Except the last time. “But, you didn’t go out with anyone when I was dating Webb?”
“No, there was no point in my pretending anymore. Plus, I was fortunate enough to find a different kind of girl in my life then, one who became a lot more than a distraction.”
“Mattie.”
“Yes, Mattie. I really have her to thank for my not falling apart during that part of my life.”
Mac did not respond. She looked tired and defeated. Harm thought she had done enough crying within the last few hours to last her a lifetime.
He reflected some more about everything she had been telling him. The very first thing Mac had admitted to him tonight was that the thing which attracted her to all the other men in her life was that they had let her know they wanted her. It was finally dawning on him just how deep her insecurities were, and why she needed to hear how much he wanted her and loved her. It was because she had a hard time believing she was worth loving.
Wasn’t that what she said all those nights ago on the ferry when she realized he was ‘just that way’ with her? She should be flattered. Wasn’t that what she said tonight when he told her that he would never feel about anyone else the way he felt about her? She said she was flattered. ‘Flattered,’ as if his feelings for her were something that she didn’t deserve. As if she didn’t merit his love.
Harm decided it was time to switch the tone of this conversation. He took her hand and led her to sit back down on the couch.
“Mac, we’ve gotten off topic. You were supposed to be proving to me that you love me.”
“Yeah, guess I’m proving more how much I’ve screwed up.”
“No, we both screwed up. But I think it’s my turn to set up a case now.”
“What?”
“For proving how much I’ve always loved you.”
“You don’t need to …”
“Humor me?” He imitated her from earlier.
“Only if it’s less painful than this has been.”
“I think we’ve hit all the worst parts. But I also think we had to deal with those parts of our past. You were right, we needed to talk about them and get the issues in the open. It’s part of the process, and we can learn from our prior mistakes.”
She nodded her head.
“For instance, I think we should make another promise to each other based on what we just talked about,” he proposed.
She quickly supplied, “I promise not to run to another man who says he wants me, and you promise you won’t run to another woman to distract you?”
Harm smiled at this. “Well, okay, I can promise that. But I was thinking more simply, … that we would stop running from each other all together. I mean, I’ve stormed out on and avoided you plenty of times too. I don’t think that has ever helped us. So, I promise … no more running and avoiding.”
“Okay, me too.” Mac gave a slight tired smile.
“Good, can I proceed with my evidence?”
“I didn’t finish closing my case,” she protested, knowing full well she no longer felt up to the task tonight.
“It’s okay, because my evidence goes to proving both cases.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Well, let me start by saying that I’ve gotten my fair share of comments about us being in love too. And you’re right about my girlfriends being jealous of you. Well, at least I know Renee was. She was actually kind of funny about it. I think she really gave up on me right after my accident in the ocean.”
“Because of how it affected me?”
“That may have been part of it. But really, I don’t think she could forgive me for my partial amnesia.”
Mac furrowed her eyebrows. “I know the doctor said something about that, but I didn’t really notice any signs of amnesia. Maybe a few things with Bud and Harriet, but otherwise …”
“Exactly. I didn’t forget anything about you. But uh … I didn’t have a clue who Renee was for some time. I mean, I remembered her from the commercial, but … She was a little upset that I didn’t remember she was my girlfriend or anything.”
“Really?” This did amuse Mac for some reason. “I guess I had too much else on my mind to really notice much about what was going on with Renee and your memory.”
“Yeah, well she was very aware of the contrast in my remembering everything about you and nothing about her. Of course, I think she’d always suspected that I was in love with you. … It didn’t help when I called her your name once.”
“You didn’t?” Mac’s eyes widened in disbelief.
“Oh, I did.”
Mac couldn’t help a small smile. “Are you making this up to make me feel better?”
“No, that is not something a guy would lie about,” he stated emphatically. “… But, is it making you feel better?”
“A little,” she admitted. “So what did she do? Were you … in an intimate moment at the time?”
“Uh … day after. She was coming to kiss me after she had just gotten out of the shower.”
“And?”
“And I denied it. Sort of. I mean, I just asked her, in a tone that made it sound absurd, why I would have called your name.”
Mac smiled knowingly. “The old ‘avoiding the answer by using a rhetorical question’ tactic -- your specialty.” Then she raised her eyebrows. “She bought that?”
“No. Although, ‘Mac’ is a short word, so I was really hoping she could convince herself she was hearing things. But, no, … she didn’t buy it.”
Appreciating how Harm was easing the tension, Mac lightly, if not half-jokingly, began to threaten, “If you ever call me another woman’s name …”
“It won’t happen.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because the only woman I’ve been guilty of both actively and subconsciously fantasizing about for the last nine years is you.” This comment made Mac blush. And as embarrassing as this was for Harm, he was glad to see red on Mac’s cheeks as opposed to any new redness in her eyes.
“I almost feel sorry for Renee,” Mac thought aloud.
“Hey, I did have an excuse at the time. – I had hit my head that week and was having all sorts of strange visions…” Something dawned on Harm, and his eyebrows furrowed. “… Come to think of it, they were all of you.”
“Of me? And are you calling me strange?”
“No, you’re not strange … just my hallucinations were strange. I just think it was interesting that no one else was popping up in my hallucinations during that time.”
“They were hallucinations?”
“Well, sort of. I don’t know. You remember when I was acting JAG?”
“Yeah. …You did hit your head and were acting really weird for a couple of days. You called me …”
“Sweet thing,” they said together. Mac laughed.
Harm was clenching his eyes in embarrassment. “Not one of my finer moments. I don’t even know where I got that term from.”
“What exactly were you hallucinating?”
“I’ll tell you another time. I think I’ve had quite enough embarrassment for the moment,” he said.
Mac pouted a little, but Harm was ready to move on. “I did say I was going to offer evidence for your case too, didn’t I?”
“Yes. How are you going to do that?”
“Well, I just wanted to point out that some of the comments I heard from other people were about how you felt about me too.”
“Like what?”
“My personal favorite … Well, it came at a time when I guess
I needed to hear it, … after
Mac remembered. “I left when Catherine Gale showed up.”
“Right. Just after you left, she asked me if I had told you about our little wedding charade, and I told her I did. Her response about seeing you just then was, ‘No wonder she gave me that *get away from my man* look.’”
Harm smiled at the memory, and then, pointing at Mac, quickly added, “… And don’t tell me you didn’t give her that look, because it’s a memory I’ve cherished just the way it is. … Her comment gave me a glimmer of hope again.”
Mac’s expression softened for a moment at the thought of Harm needing to have hoped for her love. But she responded nonchalantly, “I had actually just been thinking tonight that I would need to perfect my ‘get away from my man’ look, now that I can claim you. But I guess if I was giving it subconsciously already, I’m in pretty good shape.”
Mac smiled at him, and in an effort to appear back in control of her emotions, picked up her now-cold coffee to take a sip.
Harm grinned. “And you left even before she revealed to me that she was pregnant.”
Mac nearly spit her coffee out, and then choked on it, leaving her coughing.
“No, … it wasn’t my kid!” Harm quickly corrected any incorrect implication.
Mac, still coughing, raised her finger to signal that she would respond in a moment. He waited anxiously.
When she stopped coughing, she looked at him and said, “I know. … If it had been, that child would be a big part of your life right now.” She knew that if Harm had a baby, he would do everything he could to be a great father to him or her.
“True,” he agreed. “But Catherine and I never … Can I get you a glass of water?”
“Please.”
Harm returned with her drink. “Guess I’d better move back to proving my case.”
After taking a sip, Mac replied, “I’m not sure I can handle any more of these stories about you and other women tonight.”
“No, I don’t think I can either. I was just going to say that …” He took her hands in his and looked her in the eye. “… I’ve never told any woman I was in love with her before tonight.”
Mac looked at him, and she knew it was the truth. Harm was very closed about telling anyone how he felt. And unlike her, he wouldn’t have felt the need to say something he didn’t feel. Despite herself, another tear began to trail down Mac’s cheek.
“No, Mac. No more tears. How do you even have any left?”
“These are good tears,” she pointed out, trying to alleviate his concern.
“Okay, well since you’re already crying, I guess I don’t need to stop myself from telling you one more sentimental thing. … I also want you to know that, just like you admitted to Sturgis, I also admitted to someone before tonight that I love you. … Well, she figured me out and asked me directly, and I can’t lie to her, so I had to admit it.”
“Mattie?” Mac guessed.
Harm nodded.
“She’s a smart kid.”
“Yes, she is,” Harm agreed.
“What did she say when you told her?”
“Oh, something along the lines of asking why we weren’t together.”
“And what did you say to that?”
“Stock answer. ‘It’s complicated.’”
“Well, I guess that was no lie,” Mac sighed. She smiled at the thought of Harm’s ward. “… I really like Mattie. She loves you, Harm. You know she asked me to look after you when she went back to her Dad. She was worried about how you would take her leaving.”
“She asked you to look after me?”
Mac nodded.
“Is that why you agreed to marry me?”
“No.” Mac looked at him as if that was an absurd suggestion. “You’re getting her back now anyhow. Not under the best of circumstances, but I know you wouldn’t be lonely with her back in your life.”
“But you’re wrong there, Mac. I’m lonely any day that you are not with me. I love Mattie too, but I need you in my life.”
Harm could see another tear getting ready to fall from Mac’s eye, so he thought it best to keep talking and maybe avoid another deluge. “So she came to see you, huh? I told her I was okay with it, - her going back to her Dad.”
“But she was feeling guilty.”
“So what did you tell her?”
“That she shouldn’t feel bad. That you wanted what was best for her, and that you were willing to let her go because you loved her unconditionally. That she had taught you how to love like that.”
Harm reflected on this for a moment.
“Mattie has taught me a lot of things, Mac, and I’ve grown up
a lot because of her. But, loving
unconditionally was not something entirely new to me. Why do you think I stepped aside when
you were going to marry Mic? Why do you think I didn’t fight for you when you walked
away from me in
“I was willing to let you go if
that’s what you wanted, if that’s what was going to make you happy. Even though it hurt me
so much. Especially after
He saw her eyes react to that statement with guilt and pain, and he immediately tried to do damage control. “No, don’t cry more. Mac, my point is - that … I love you unconditionally. And I have for a long time. We’ve just been bad about communicating … and been scared. I was willing to let you go then, because I thought that’s what you decided. But I’m not going to let you go ever again, because I don’t think that’s what you want anymore.”
Mac looked down. In just above a whisper, she revealed, “I never wanted you to let me go.”
“I know that now,” Harm assured her.
Almost to herself, Mac noted, “I just didn’t believe you would ever really love me.”
“Because I didn’t say I wanted you,” he stated.
Closing her eyes, Mac nodded her head in agreement.
Harm decided it was time to take a chance. “Listen, I’ve realized something tonight. … I’ve realized a lot tonight actually, but in particular, I’ve just realized something about you that I should have figured out a long time ago. And I probably would have if I hadn’t always been so clouded by my own emotions. … So, at the risk of you decking me for being out of line, I think I need to tell you what I’ve discovered.”
Mac looked at Harm, in confusion. What could he possibly say at this point that would make her want to deck him?
“I need to say it,” he went on undeterred, “because I promised to tell you what’s on my mind.” He braced himself with a deep breath. “I didn’t realize before exactly how much you … undervalue yourself.”
There was an awkward pause, before Mac responded. “Undervalue? Are you telling me you think I lack confidence?” She may not have hit him yet, but she was definitely getting defensive.
“Well, in a manner, … yes.” He stood up, sensing the need to create a little distance between them.
Mac followed, unwilling to let him take such a position above her. This challenge was certainly recharging her.
“Harm, there may have been a time in my life when the bottle took the place of my esteem, but I think I’ve come a long way since then. I’ve spent years with my life back together. I’ve done everything my duty has required of me to the best of my ability. And frankly, I have a pretty impressive record considering …”
He interrupted. “I know, Mac. You have. You do. That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“Just because I don’t have the ego of a fighter pilot …”
“Let me finish,” he insisted. She did stop for the moment to let him continue.
“Mac, you are a great marine and a great attorney, and I know you know that because you need confidence in yourself to be good at either. I’m glad you know your value in those respects, and I’m glad you’re going to have the chance to show off how incredible you are in your new position. But I’m talking about your confidence … as a woman.”
“Just because I identify myself as a marine, you don’t think I can see myself as a woman?”
“That’s not what I said. It’s not about getting in touch with your feminine side, it’s just about your belief in yourself as a woman to …” He paused, searching for the right words.
“You don’t think I believe I can attract men? Or satisfy them? Because I think I’ve had enough feedback to know -”
“No, that’s not what I meant! Look, I take it back.” He raised his arms in surrender. “I didn’t really mean as a woman. That was a bad choice of words. I know you are fully aware of your value to any man physically, as … well, … for lack of a better term, as a sex object.”
“A what?!” Her shock and offense was obvious.
He quickly backpedaled, and now held out his hands in front of him defensively. “Okay, there could have been a better term. … Again, bad choice of words.” He could see her steaming a bit now. “I just meant, I’m sure you know the effect you have on men. I mean, your body alone … well you know what it’s worth, because you wouldn’t offer it like you have if you didn’t -”
“Are you calling me loose now?!”
“No! I … I just
meant, like in
“Get to your point, Harm.” Her tone was fully the harsh one he was familiar with when she was engaged in the bitterest of legal battles at the office.
He didn’t think he had stuck his foot in his mouth this badly since years ago when she overheard him saying that any man who had been involved with her was either dead or felt like he was.
He began again with a more direct strategy.