TV or Not TV, That Is The Question

Author: Timer


Part 6: Nick At Nite


JAG Ops Break Room
0800 (local), Monday, July 23

“Bud told me all about your weekend with the Addams Family,” Harriet’s usual bubble is in danger of boiling over.

I’m gonna just hide behind my stir stick. Mac’s the Marine, let her secure this territory.

“Yes Harriet, it was pretty unusual.”

That’s my Marine. The mistress of understatement. A four-leaf clover is unusual. Our weekend with the Addams was from a galaxy far, far away.

While I don’t always enjoy being called to the Admiral’s office by Tiner, I’m thankful to see him right now.

“Sir, ma’am. The Admiral wants you in his office.”

“Ma’am, can we have lunch...” Harriet calls at our quickly retreating backs.


Admiral Chegwidden’s office
JAG HQs
0802 (local), Monday, July 23

Responding to the Admiral’s “enter,” Mac and I come to attention in front of his desk.

“Reporting as ordered, sir,” I say as I spy Webb standing by the fireplace. ‘Spy’ Webb? Jeez, even my internal dialogue has him firmly in the weenie camp.

Good. About time.

“Commander, Colonel. Mr. Webb has an update on the Addams, uh...” I can see AJ struggle for an appropriate term to describe the Addams whateveritis. “Situation,” he settles on.

I prepare myself to remember every bit of this, because despite the lack of any solid evidence, I *know* this is gonna be the mission that brings Webb down. Tiera Del Fuego will be too cushy a posting for him after this one.

I watch Webb preen for a moment. Let the show begin.

“Special ops raided the Addams house this morning and secured all the DVDs and tapes. We’re interrogating the suspects even as we speak.”

Great, get ready for total immersion in ‘60’s culture.

“The DCI has secured authorization to form a task force of cryptologists to study the contents of the contraband. We had to get emergency funding, but with the President’s support we got it. Twenty of our best will be studying every detail on those discs. It’ll take some time; we estimate over 400 hours of content. And that’s if the copies really are copies.” He’s so smug, so confident in his self-importance.

I want to scream. “Webb, you’ve got 20 of this country’s best code-breakers spending the foreseeable future watching reruns of Leave It To Beaver?”

“We’re convinced they’re code-encrypted attempts to smuggle national secrets out of the country.”

Yeah, like how to clean house in high heels? Special emergency funding!?! Our tax dollars at work. I hope they edited out the commercials. That’ll save us the CIA investigation of Maxwell House Coffee, Procter & Gamble and every other company that advertised on those shows. I can see the budget ballooning out of control.

“This team’s the best,” Webb crows. “It’s headed up by the country’s, if not the world’s, most amazing video technicians. Code names Barbie and Hope. They’re absolute gods when it comes to video capture, reconstruction, analysis, you name it.”

“Webb, if their code names are Barbie and Hope, wouldn’t that make them video goddesses?” I ask innocently with just enough hint of sarcasm for him to catch.

“Well, technically, yes.” Webb just hates it when I nail him like that. I just love it when I do.

“But the point is, Rabb, this team will find out just what secrets are on those tapes.”

“Assuming, Webb, that there are secrets on those tapes.”

“Well of course. Why else would we have had the Addams’ under surveillance? Why would I have sent you two in undercover?” Webb asks as if there is no other answer.

“How ‘bout your intel was wrong again, Webb? How ‘bout you just completed another totally screwed up mission? How ‘bout you’re gonna end up back in Tiera Del Fuego when the Addams sue the CIA for millions?”
AJ steps in. “Commander, I think we’ll have to let time and the technicians sort this out.”

Walking back through the bullpen I can’t help myself. “Maac, do you have any idea how much money Webb’s gonna waste on this? How many valuable assets will be squandered chasing Gilligan?”

“Harm,” wow, talk about being able to soothe the savage beast! That tone of voice has me completely not thinking about Webb anymore.

We reach my office door and stop. “You know Harm, I rented The Addams Family movie last night.”

She did?

“Now I understand what you saw all along...”

Vindication! I love it!

“Boy, Gomez and Morticia are hot.”

Say what?? Did Mac really say that??

“I rented the second movie, too. Wanna come over and watch it with me tonight? I’ll even cook.”

Hell yes! “Sure Mac, that’d be a great way to cap off this caper.” That’s right, don’t let her know you’d walk through fire to get to her tonight or any night.

She moves a hair closer, drops her voice the tiniest bit. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that make the biggest difference.

“You know that really soft black long-sleeved pullover of yours? The one with the V-neck? Could you wear that tonight?” she asks.

Yes, yes, anything you want.

“And those wonderfully worn old black Levi’s. You know, the one’s you’ve had so long they’re a little faded in all the good spots.”

“And which spots would be the good spots, Mac?”

Just a little smile, she dips her chin as her eyes drop down to my waist, then travel lower.

I hasten to reply, “Sure Mac, I’d be happy to wear those tonight.” I’ll be even happier if I get to take them off tonight.

Harm’s office
JAG Ops
1630 (local), Monday, July 23

I leap up as the Admiral walks into my office. Must be something big, he doesn’t usually come to me.

He has a strange look on his face. “As you were Rabb,” he gestures for me to sit down and does so himself.

“I’ve just received an update on the ....” he’s still struggling with this... “Addams situation. The CIA video team shut it down after 6 hours. Apparently the two head techs, Barbie and Hope, determined the tapes were just bootleg old sitcoms within the first two hours. But they couldn’t resist letting their team watch classic reruns in mint condition for four more hours on the CIA’s dime.”

“Did they order in pizzas, too?” I laugh.

“Yes, Commander, they did.”

Boy, I sure wish I could meet those two. ‘Video goddesses put Webb in his place’. If only there was a newspaper that would print that headline.

“Excuse me, sirs,” Bud’s at my door. “But there’s something on the Internet I think you should see.”

“What is it, Lieutenant?” the Admiral asks.

“Well, it’s a new web site that has linked itself to a whole bunch of classic sitcom fan sites. It calls itself “The Video Goddesses Site’ and its posting today is titled ‘How the Goddesses Skunked the Spook’.”

I whip around to look at the Admiral. He’s doing, well, an admirable job of not cracking up. Oh, I’m dying inside. This is waay too perfect. I don’t care what it takes, someday I’m gonna find a way to thank those women.

“Thank you, Mr. Roberts, but I don’t think that concerns us,” AJ states as he strides out of my office.

Exactly what does one buy a video goddess as a thank you present? Maybe I’ll take them out for a nice dinner, assuming I can find them. Those CIA types can be pretty elusive.


Mac’s apartment, Georgetown1900 (local), Monday, July 23

As I hustle down the hallway outside her apartment I wonder why Mac wanted me to wear these clothes tonight. I love the top and the jeans, but don’t usually wear them together. It’s a little too Johnny Cash for my tastes.

Or Morticia-like.

I stop in mid-step.

Long-sleeved V-neck black top with black jeans. About as close as I could come to matching Morticia’s dress without actually being in drag.

Naaa. No way.

But she did very specifically request this outfit. And she did say she watched The Addams Family Movie last night. And invited me to watch the second one with her tonight.

OK, either Mac has a slightly kinky streak I think I’m gonna love getting to know, or that grip I had on reality just let go.

Straightening myself, I proceed down her hall. Woah, when I said ‘straightening myself’ I didn’t mean that part. Down boy!

*Knock, knock*

“Come in...” lilts through the door. What, is this the same woman that busted my chops a couple of nights ago for doing the same thing?

“Hey Mac, good security there....”

That’s as far as I’m gonna get with that train of thought.

Mac’s standing in the doorway to her bedroom. She’s wearing a smoking jacket, a white ascot and reeeaaalllly high heels. As far as I can tell, that’s all she’s wearing.

I know my mouth’s hanging open but I don’t care. She has her hair slicked back, has painted on big eyebrows and a mustache. Hell, she’s even got a cigar. It’s not lit, but it’s a cigar. As she comes closer I get a strong whiff of chocolate. Should have known, a chocolate cigar.

“I’ve been waiting all day to get you alone mon cher. I’ve been thinking of nothing else but loving you as only I can.”

Sounds good to me but this is still pretty strange...
“Let me take you in my arms and make all your wildest dreams come true.” Boy, she sure is laying it on thick here. But, what the hey?

She starts kissing...my hand? Up my arm. Oh god, she really is doing the Gomez thing.

I wage a little war with myself. Maybe this is some deep-seated fantasy for her. Or maybe she thinks it’s my fantasy. How far can I go along with it? I picture myself in a long black wig. That might not be *so* bad. Lots of men have long hair.

“Mac, I’m not gonna put on a dress. I’ll do just about anything else but ...”

She’s reached my neck with her trail of kisses and pulls away enough to look me in the eyes. “A dress? Oh no, darling. This is the scene where we undress.”

Smiling, I lean in to kiss her, painted mustache and all. Yeah, this is the part the sitcoms of the ‘60’s never got to. We’re gonna go where Nickelodeon fears to tread.

Take that Ward and June!




Fini, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!