Shining Through Part 1

This is my first post on this board. I have written a couple of stories set in season 7, but real life has kept me from doing much over the past year. I’ve enjoyed reading many of your stories and decided to share one that just popped into my mind as I saw a little of this movie while sitting out a snow storm Sunday, wrote this Monday, and since we‘re still home, I‘m trying to post it today. I hope it worked right and I hope you enjoy it.

I don’t own the characters, wouldn’t try to make money from them, but do enjoy playing with them. All mistakes are mine. I’m a little nervous about posting like this. Usually I spend weeks in revision and editing before I let anyone see my writing, so I would appreciate your feedback.

19:30 Friday

Mac’s Apartment

Sarah Mackenzie settled into the corner of her sofa tucking her feet into the fold between the cushions and the back. A cup of herbal tea sat on the table next to her. She reached up and switched off the lamp, leaving the fireplace the only illumination in the room, then picked up the television remote. After flipping through the channels twice, she settled on Shining Through, the movie just starting on one of the all movie channels.

She sipped her tea and her mind drifted - Friday night, and the weekend stretched before her. How would she fill the time until she headed back to work on Monday morning? “How did I reach this new low?” she asked the air around her. The loneliness engulfed her. “It’s your own fault,” her conscience screamed, “you’re the one who keeps pushing Harm away.”

“He’s the one who didn’t even return a single phone call for the first six months after we returned from Paraguay,” she argued with herself.

“You’re the one who said NEVER,” her conscience threw back.

Sarah shook her hear, wondering if she and Harm would ever regain the friendship they’d once shared. He seemed to be reaching out. He’d asked her to share lunch or dinner at least once a week, even though she’d turned him down more than she’d accepted.

Each time she’d gone with him, she’d seen an undercurrent of sadness in his eyes, although outwardly he projected a quiet acceptance of the direction his life had taken. Her heart ached, “Why can’t he love me as much as I love him?” Sarah sighed, wondering why she couldn’t just forget him and move on? He seemed to have moved on with his life. He had Mattie. He had a family, while she was so alone.

Sarah scrubbed away the tears that had formed and tried to focus on the movie. At least it had a plot, even if improbable. She laughed when Melanie Griffith’s character, Linda, claimed to know what was going on in the war based on what she’d seen in the movies, then her mind flashed back to Afghanistan and she saw Harm standing atop the ammo box she’d slid over the mine he’d tripped trying to cross the minefield to the jeep.

“Sometimes you can be infuriating,” she told him when he insisted she hide behind the vehicle.

“I know,” he answered gently.

She flinched at the memory of the explosion.

“Thanks, Mac.”

She remembered the softness of Harm’s voice and felt his gratitude and respect. “You’d have done the same for me.”

“The Navy doesn’t teach us tricks like that,” he’d replied.

“Neither does the Marine Corp. I saw it in a movie.”

She remembered the incredulous tone of his voice, “You saw it in a move? They don’t use real booby traps in the movies. They make things up! Mac!”

Sarah smiled remembering the look on his face. It was too precious. He had no idea how she had been shaking inside. She’d come way too close to watching him die.

Tears welled in her eyes and her breath caught. They were almost a couple then, what had happened to them? Involuntarily she remembered how her body had fit the curves and hollows of his before the bombs began falling that night, and she ached to feel his arms pull her into his embrace, his legs entwined with hers, and hear the beat of his heart beneath her ear.

She didn’t know how long she’d been lost in her own thoughts when the images on the TV screen caught her attention. She watched Melanie Griffith’s character make her case for going undercover in Berlin, and her lover Edward, played by Michael Douglas voice his objections.

“Don’t go,” Harm’s voice echoed in her subconscious. Funny, she never heard the slight note of fear and panic in it before. She wondered if he’d had a premonition of danger, or if she was even remembering it right. But she’d accused him of only wanting her when she had one foot out the door and he couldn’t do anything about it.

Mac stared at the television screen as the undercover assignment fell apart and all contact between the characters was lost. Ed watched for any sign of Linda, and when he finally found a clue in newsreel footage, went after her, even though he didn’t speak the language. He’d come just in the nick of time to save Linda from the danger into which her own stubbornness and sense of duty had lead her.

Sarah shuddered remembering the battery and the man about to subject her to the same torture Clay had endured to protect her. The thunder of gunshots reverberated in her memory, and she pictured Harm bursting through the door and taking out her tormentor. Her mind played back the moment in slow motion. The fear and guilt in Harm’s eyes taking her by surprise. Why would he feel guilty when he’d just saved her life?

She watched as the characters in the film slipped past the Nazi soldiers and boarded the train for Switzerland. Michael Douglas held Melanie Griffith in his arms. “I’ve never seen you look scared before,” Linda whispered to Edward. “I don’t want to lose you,” he answered.

“What do you want most?” she’d asked Harm on the Admiral’s front porch.

“Never to lose you,” he’d answered softly, but surely.

“You wouldn’t say that unless you were sure I was going to die,” Linda told Edward.

“You’re only like this when I have one foot out the door,” Mac heard her own voice.

“I love you,” Linda continued softly. Edward’s only response was to gather her closer and kiss her. The train stopped and they had to go through the German check post at the Swiss border. Linda was unconscious and Edward didn’t speak the language. He fought his way through, being shot numerous times, but managing to stumble across the border before collapsing and loosing consciousness.

“Oh, God,” Mac gasped through her tears. He loved her, he just couldn’t say the words. How could she not have seen that same thing in Harm. He hadn’t wanted her to go because he needed her after the trial, and she’d run away. She’d left him when he needed her, and he still came for her because he loved her. Tears streamed down her face as she remembered all the hurtful things she’d said. He’d come and she’d fallen all over Clay, but never even thanked Harm.

“He said mean things to you,” she argued with herself, but knew that she was just as much at fault. Maybe more. She’d left him in the wreckage of the plane. He was hurt, probably had a concussion, and she had started sniping at him. Then she’d said the one word she most regretted in her life: NEVER. “If only I could take that one word back,” she sighed as she buried her face in her hands.

“Suck it up, Marine!” her conscience shouted. “You can fix this. Just tell him how you feel.”

“I can’t!“ she cried in anguish. “He’ll never forgive me.”

“You don’t know until you try. It can’t be any worse than this. You’re sitting here alone. Remember the wistful look in his eyes last week when he stood at the door and watched you with Jen and Mattie. He still cared enough to invite you to join them.”

Mac jumped from the couch and grabbed the phone before she could talk herself out of it. She hit one on her speed dial. One. . .two. . .three. .four rings, the machine picked up. . . Mac held the phone to her ear, she couldn’t leave a message. Maybe he had a date. She was about to replace the receiver when she heard a breathless voice at the other end of the line, “Rabb here.”

Sarah froze. She was sure she’d made a mistake.

“Sarah, is anything wrong?” She could hear the concern in his voice. He must have seen her number on his caller ID.

“No, I. . .I just need to talk to you.” She heard the tremor in her voice and winced.

“Sarah, what’s wrong?” He demanded softly.

“I. . .Harm, can you come over. Please!”

Harmon Rabb didn’t even think twice. “I’ll be right there.” He hung up the phone and placed the bag of groceries on the counter. Jen and Mattie had gone to the mall to shop for a new outfit for Mattie’s first school dance. He wrote a hurried note and taped it to their door, then raced out to the Lexus and headed across town. His heart was filled with anxiety. Mac had sounded more upset than he ever remembered and she’d reached out to him. No matter what she needed, he would be there for her. He still loved her more than life.

Shining Through Part 2

22:20 Friday evening

Sarah Mackenzie’s apartment

Sarah heard Harm’s footsteps in the hallway, then the firm knock on her door. She hesitated, “What was I thinking?”

“Sarah,” the anxiety in his voice brought her off the couch and across the room. She turned the deadbolt and opened the door. He was wearing blue jeans, a light blue plaid shirt open at the neck, and a leather jacket. She drank in the sight of him, but trembled with anxiety about the coming conversation.

Harm stared at her. She was beautiful, dressed in an amethyst velvet gown. He saw the tremor that ran through her body, reached out, and wrapped his arms around her. She snuggled against his chest and buried her face in the crook of his neck. He held her close, running his hands over her back in soothing circles and wondering what had happened to make her cling to him like this. Why does she have to be in pain for me to hold her like this? Why can’t I just tell her how I feel. He didn’t know how long they stood, lost in their embrace and their thoughts.

“Sarah, talk to me,” he coaxed gently, lifting her chin with his right hand. He saw the tears pooled in her beautiful brown eyes and his heart ached for her. “It can’t be that bad,” he said softly, “There’s nothing we can’t handle together.”

“That’s the problem,” she sighed softly. “We’re not together, and its all my fault.” The tears escaped and ran down her cheeks.

Harm gently wiped them away and wrapped her in his arms once again. His head rested atop hers and he placed a soft kiss in her hair. “Talk to me, Sarah. Why the tears?”

“Oh, Harm, I’ve ruined everything. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it!” She broke from his embrace and walked to the fireplace, staring into the flames.

Harm didn’t have to ask, he knew what she meant. He followed and stopped behind her, his hands on her shoulders. “For a while I thought you did. That’s why I didn’t answer any of your calls. I thought that since I wasn’t at JAG and wouldn’t see you every day, that if I didn’t return your calls, I could forget. And, I knew that since I was working for the CIA there was a good chance. . .well, I thought it would be easier for you if all connections were severed.”

He felt the shudder of dread that shook her body as fresh tears washed over her cheeks. “It’s okay, Sarah. I’m here. I’m not leaving until we have the talk that is long overdue.”

“I was so scared when I heard you talking to Clay in the hospital. I knew how much danger you managed to get yourself into in the Navy . . . My imagination and my own experience with the CIA conjured up the most horrible images. I was terrified you’d get yourself killed. I started seeing Clay so I could find out about you. I had to know you were still alive.”

Harm sighed deeply. He took time to remove his jacket and throw it over a chair as he regained control of his own emotions. “It’s over, Sarah. I’m back at JAG.” He turned her around and hugged her, then picking her up, he crossed the room to the couch. He sat down with her in his lap and cradled her in his arms. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Sarah felt his steady heartbeat beneath her ear and relaxed against him. “Harm, why did you have such a guilty look on your face when you burst into that shack in Paraguay? You’d just saved me, why would you feel guilty?”

Harm ran his fingers through her hair and laid his head against hers, “Because I never should have let you go.”

“That wasn’t your choice. It was my decision.”

“That isn’t what I meant, not exactly. If I’d done so many things differently, we wouldn’t have been at that crossroads.”

“Why did you resign your commission, give up your career, everything you’ve worked for to come for me?”

She spoke so softly, he wasn’t even sure she meant to voice the question, but he knew she deserved an answer. “I couldn’t loose you,” he replied just as softly. “Without you in my life, it isn’t worth living. But once again, I screwed up. Thank God I found you in time, but then I couldn’t do anything right. I almost killed you myself . When I regained consciousness in the wreckage of the plane and you were gone, a part of me almost died. I didn‘t know what had happened. I was scared that the terrorists might have recaptured you. Then when I found you, instead of taking you in my arms and never letting go, I lashed out.”

Sarah stroked his cheek, “I didn’t help matters any. I had spent days listening to Clay’s screams of agony and took my own helplessness out on you.”

“No, I shouldn’t have reacted to you and Clay with such jealousy, but something just snapped when I saw you kissing him. You were telling the truth weren’t you? There wasn’t anything between you.” She could hear the insecurity in his voice.

“Harm, I love you, not Clay. I’ve loved no one but you for so long.” There she’d told him how she felt, now the ball was in his court. She held her breath, hoping against hope that she was right and he loved her too.

“Sarah, I never want to loose you. I want to be together always,” he lifted her chin and kissed her. She felt the passion behind his words and the message “I love you” was loud and clear, even without the words. Maybe someday he’d be able to say it, but she no longer doubted his feelings.

“Harm, can you forgive me?” she asked hesitantly.

“There is nothing to forgive. I was an idiot. I have wasted so much time. I know I’m not the best with words, actions have always been more important to me. I’ve hurt you so much over the years, but can you forgive me, and let me back into your life?” He smiled tentatively, looking like a little boy who’d broken his mother’s favorite vase, but it was the fear in his voice that broke her heart.

“Oh, Harm. I need you in my life. I’ve been so miserable without you. I just didn’t understand until tonight. I thought you didn’t love me like I love you.” She looked down at her hands, embarrassed by her actions.

“Why tonight, Sarah? Not that I’m complaining, but what happened tonight to make you realize I loved you?”

She smiled shyly, “I knew you loved me, like I knew how to save you from that land mine.”

“You saw it in a movie?” His voice was incredulous, but he broke out into deep laughter. “You are going to have to share this movie with me.”

“Naw, it’s a chick flick. You’d think it’s stupid.” For the first time in ages, Harm saw a real smile, a from the soul smile, on the face of the woman he loved, and this breathtaking woman in his arms was even more beautiful.

He lifted her chin and looked into the deep brown pools of her eyes, the window to her soul. “Sarah Mackenzie, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I wouldn’t have offered to have a child with you if I didn’t love you. Five years ago I was such an emotional mess. I’d found my dad, but lost my way. I knew you deserved better, that’s why I said ‘if neither of us was in a relationship‘. I want it all with you: marriage, children, a white picket fence. And I promise, if you marry me, I’ll make sure you always have plenty of comfortable shoes.”

Sarah laughed, remembering their conversation on the Coral Sea. “Is that a proposal?” she joked.

“Yes,” Harm said with quiet determination and conviction. “I know we haven’t even dated, at least not formally, but I’ve had eight years to learn that there is no one else for me. You are my soul mate, my equal in every way. You make me a better person. When I thought I’d lost you for good, a part of me welcomed working for the CIA. I thought maybe I wouldn’t have to face life without you for long.” He heard her quiet gasp and tightened his embrace, “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m too stubborn to die and now I have too much to live for.”

Sarah caressed his face, “You have Mattie, are you sure you need me?”

“I need you like I need air to breathe and water to drink. I want you to bear my children, and if God doesn’t want that for us, then we can find others like Mattie that need our love. You will be a wonderful mother.” He cupped her cheek with his right hand and ran his fingers through the hair at the nape of her neck with his left. “Sarah, please say you’ll marry me. Please say yes.”

Sarah Mackenzie gazed into his beautiful eyes and saw the light of his love shining through. “Yes,” she whispered,