Title: BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME

Author: Hollyjp

Classification: Harm/Mac, song fic, reaction to Pulse Rate from season 9.

Spoilers: Based on Pulse Rate from season 9 and includes references to past episodes.

Credits: “Because You Love Me”(written by John Scott Sherrill, Kostas) from the JoDee Messina CD- “I’m Alright” on Curb Records.

The song on the radio sung by JoDee Messina caught Mac’s attention as she sat in her apartment alone, thinking over the past week. Clay had cancelled dinner three times in a row and twice this week. She had turned down a ‘platonic bowl of pasta’ with Harm who was making the effort to be a friend, only to have Clay cancel out not ten minutes later. She’d have waited for Harm by the car and told him she’s like to reconsider, but he had gotten another mysterious phone call from someone and decided to catch a different elevator right after she refused his invitation. Now she was sitting in her apartment, cold and lonely and deep in thought pretending to listen to music. Only the soulful country ballad caught her attention.

“I don’t know how I survived in this cold and empty world for all this time.

I only know that I’m alive because you love me.”

“Good Lord! I’m alive because Harm cared enough to come after me...could he in fact love me?” Mac thought.

When I recall what I’ve been through there’s some things that I wish I didn’t do;

“Like when I didn’t thank Harm for coming to my rescue; or leaving him at the plane crash site alone; or getting mad when he didn’t open and up and tell me what he was feeling when we were already in such a high emotional state; or when I told him me would never work...”

now I do the things I do because you love me.

“Harm does love me...he has tried to show me in so many ways...and I get mad at him and don’t really listen to him.” Mac thought about those words and didn’t really hear the rest of the words. She was busy thinking about what she could do to make things up with Harm. After a few minutes she decided to take a risk and call Harm.

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station

After Mac had turned down his invitation for pasta as friends because of having dinner with Clay, his phone had rung at the perfect time. He smiled when he saw it was Mattie’s number. He loved the fact that Mattie needed him and that sometimes it was just to talk - not for anything material. He had been able to save face this time with Mac by motioning the elevator to go without him. He had gone back to his office and talked to Mattie before he left to go home. He had enjoyed chatting with Mattie and hearing about her day. She was going to go out to a movie that evening with a friend from school. He was glad she was trying to be a kid.

Harm had lost interest in going out to eat and figured he must have some leftovers he could warm up instead. He had stood in his kitchen trying to decide what to do about dinner when the phone rang.

“Rabb.”

“...Harm...It’s Mac.”

“Yeah...”

“Have you eaten yet?”

“What happened to dinner with Clay?”

“He cancelled about ten minutes after I left you at JAG. So have you eaten?”

“No, Mac, I haven’t.”

“So, do you want to do the platonic pasta after all?”

“Why bother Mac?”

“What do you mean ‘why bother’? We both need to eat, we haven’t done gotten together as friends outside of work in a long time...and I think we should talk.”

“You almost had me, Mac...but I don’t think I can handle another one of your talks...I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean, ‘I almost had you?’ Harm will you let me in if I come over there?”

“I guess so.”

“Will you eat if I bring some food over?”

“I guess...”

“You can be so - so - aggravating!”

“Then why are you bothering, Mac?”

“May be because I love you,” was her quiet response as she hung up the phone.

“Mac?” Harm gasped, “What did you say?” Harm’s ears were met with the dial tone.

FORTY MINUTES LATER

HARM’S APARTMENT

Knock...knock...

“It’s unlocked Mac...” Harm called from the kitchen when he heard the knock.

“Can I interest you in penne with alfreda sauce or shells with marinara? Or some of each?”

Harm attempted a smile as he put the plates, silverware and glasses on the table. “Some of each maybe....what about your need for ‘dead animal’?”

“I got chicken and meatballs on the side and salad. Wants some chicken?”

They settled in at the table to dish out their servings and began eating. Mac decided to plunge in during dinner...one good thing she had gotten from going out with Clay, was the art of chat over dinner.

“Harm, I’ve been thinking...and maybe reliving Paraguay a little and I realized something...”

“What’s that Mac?” Harm’s voice reflected his sudden tension when Mac jumped into a time in his life he wanted to forget.

“I wish there were some things I didn’t do...” Mac smiled realizing she was using the lines from the song she had heard. Before Harm could comment she went on. “Harm I never thanked you for giving up your life and your future to come after me...and I am glad you were finally able to get back to JAG. Things were off balance when you weren’t around.”

“Mac, I don’t want your thanks...”

“Do you know what you do want yet, Harm?...and it’s okay if you don’t, I just wondered if you did know yet.” Mac asked.

After sighing and pausing for a minute, Harm looked at Mac and answered her... “Yeah, Mac... I know what I want...”

Mac inhaled sharply, her nostrils flared and she bit her lip to stop from smiling like a fool in case she was wrong that Harm was about to give in and accept that she loved him. In the past he had always pushed her away saying things were too complicated, but recently he had seemed like he wanted to try to patch things up perhaps.

“Mac...I want a home and a family. I want to be needed and I want to share my needs with someone that I love...I want to make a home for an orphaned 14 year old girl I met, and I want to believe that you meant what you said on the phone, because I love you.”

Mac reached her hand across the table to caress the back of Harm’s hand and then to hold it. He turned his hand so that he could hold her hand in his larger one. Slowly they threaded their fingers together. There eyes met...and they just soaked each other up as if they would memorize the others’ face even more then they had years before.

“Is that your mysterious caller?” Mac softly asked.

“Yeah...her name is Mattie Grace Johnson. She runs the hangar were I keep my plane, and I did some crop dusting for her just before I returned to JAG...her mother died last year, and her father is a drunk and has abandoned her.”

“She’s on her own?”

“Yeah, there are neighbors looking in on her and I talk to her at least once a day and try to get out to spend time with her on weekends...when I’m not on assignment somewhere.”

“Can I meet her?”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and if she’s important to you, then I want to get to know her...the way you got to know Chloe because she was part of my life.”

“Mac, please don’t say it if it’s not true...” Harm pleaded softly.

“If I can believe you - that you love me - then why is it so hard for you to believe me?”

“Maybe because I want your love more then anything and if I have it and then loose it, I’m afraid it might kill me...”

“Harm, look at me...” Mac reached out to lift his chin that he had dropped to his chest. Harm obliged. “I - love - you. I’ve tried to make it go away...it didn’t happen...we’ve put each other through a lot. We’ve each pushed the other away, dodged, denied and run...but every time- every time - we find each other and we fall back on our friendship. We patch up and heal and we get even closer. We put more pressure on the other and we hope that someone or something takes the situation out of our control so we can move on. When one of us needs the other, somehow the other knows and there we are relying on each other. Harm, we need to stop hiding from it, look at what we have and decide what we are going to do about it. Do you want to do that?”

“I think so, Mac...Does this make you uneasy at all?” Harm asked.

Mac nodded her head, “I’m terrified, Harm. If I say or do the wrong thing I might not be able to fix it.”

“Mac, I’m not trying to put this off, but let me clear the table and start the coffee first, okay?” At Mac’s nod he added, “Why don’t you sit on the couch? I’ll be right there.”

Mac watched Harm as she relocated to the living room. She wondered if he was going to try to slip away, or get busy or somehow try to avoid this talk. A few minutes later, he walked over to his desk and picked up a tablet and a pen before joining Mac on the leather couch.

“What’s that Harm?

“I’ve been jotting some things down that I wanted to remember to tell you or ask you about.”

“Oh...like what?”

“Well, the you told me that I ought to know that ‘a woman scorned is a force of nature.’ Who have I scorned, Mac? You?”

“Yeah,,,in a way.”

“How? Tell me because I don’t know what I did and I don’t want to go it again.” Harm kept his voice soft, which made it even more sexy if that was possible.

“Harm, we both know we were getting closer and closer in some ways, but you’ve never shown any interest in me beyond friendship. Until you told me you’d forgotten how beautiful I was, had never heard you say you thought I was attractive. I know you’ve kissed me a couple of times, but you always backed off...Harm why are you grinning?” Mac had been sure that Harm would get upset with her comments, but he was sitting there grinning ear to ear. “Spill it, Mister.”

“Oh, Mac...I was so afraid that you would be mad at me if you knew I thought of you as a beautiful, sexy, woman that I was afraid to touch you even in friendship...I can’t believe you never realized or caught me staring.”

“You are kidding right?”

“No, Mac. I’m not. I wanted you to feel respected and safe so I guess I neglected to let myself indulge even a little in case I did lose control...like I almost did on the Admiral’s porch.”

“Is that why you’ve always held back?”

“Yes...”

“Why wouldn’t you return any of my calls when you were away from JAG? It really hurt and I thought you didn’t even want my friendship...and when you said I had no idea how you felt it was true...but you have never even tried to tell me.”

“I know...my ‘sometimes partner’ said that when we talked, I’d know if it was really over and I didn’t want it to be over, so I wouldn’t talk to you. I know now that it was stupid...but at the time it seemed the safe thing to do...and Mac, I have tried to explain, but like you said one time, ‘you couldn’t find the words’ and I couldn’t either.”

“Harm, do you still want me?”

Harm’s voice was little more then a whisper, “Yes...”

“Good...because I think we’ve talked enough so that our actions will be a little clearer now. Shall we test it out?” Mac slid over closer to Harm and reached out to caress his beautiful face with her hand.

Harm gulped, not quite sure he wasn’t dreaming, he brought one hand up to her face and with the tip of one finger began to trace her lips, all the while he leaned closer to her and tipped his face into her hand pressing a light kiss into the palm.

Mac smiled at the feel of his finger on her lips but decided to go for more and moved onto her knees on the couch beside him so that she could bring her lips to his. Light, barley there kisses, slowly deepened, and allowed the two people to finally begin to express their passion for one another. Words of love and bliss were murmured against skin.

THE NEXT MORNING

HARM’S APARTMENT

Mac awoke slowly to the music on the alarm radio. A sense of delight and well being filled her. She turned slightly to watch the man’s sleeping face on the pillow beside her. Her smile widened and the words to the song playing on the radio made her wonder if someone had been trying to tell them something all along.

“And now that you’re in my life, I’m so glad I’m alive, ‘cause you showed me the way and I know now how good it can be, because you love me.”

“Harm...you awake? Mac asked as she saw his eyelids flutter.

“Mmmm-hmmm...”

“Listen to the words to this song...”

“Oh and now that you’re in my life; Oh I’m so glad I’m alive, ‘cause you showed me the way and I know now how good it can be, because you love me.”

Harm opened his eyes and smiled at the beautiful woman next to him. “Any doubts?”

“No...”

“Why?”

“Just listen, would you?” Mac insisted.

“I believe, in things unseen, I believe in the message of a dream; and I believe in what you are because you love me.

With all my heart and all my soul, I’m loving you and I never will let go, every day I’ll let it show, because you love me.”

“Yes Mac...we love each other and we complete each other.” With that Harm began to kiss Mac to once more show her how he felt.

“Because you love me...”

And Mac returned every caress and kiss for the same reason...

“Because you love me.”

THE END

Author’s Note: Okay so it’s a cheesy song fic, but when I heard the song almost every stanza was screaming ‘Harm and Mac’ and I knew if I didn’t write it I wouldn’t get anything else done either. LOL!