Title: Doubts 

Author: Hollyjp

Summary: Old doubts and faces resurface.

Spoilers: Anything and everything is possible as spoilers and speculations often get my creative juices flowing! Some of my speculations have been pretty close to the shows that aired and others have been way off the mark. You’ll have to decide for yourself if this is a story based on spoilers or speculation and if reading fanfic effects your ability to enjoy the show.

Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.

Author’s Notes: This hasn’t been proofed beyond the spell checker. It was something that hit me in the night and I had to get it written.

Doubts

August 27, 2004

0355 Local

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown 

The ringing of the phone slowly penetrated Mac’s conscious rousing her from her sound sleep. Reaching for the phone as she tried to open her eyes and focus she managed a mumbled response.

“Colonel Mackenzie.”

“Sarah...I...need you...Come to me...” The voice was hesitant, weak and whispery. All signs of sleep gone now, Sarah Mackenzie sat up in bed and turned on the light.

“Who is this? Where are you?” Mac demanded. “Answer me, Damn it!” The open connection ended and she heard the dial tone pulse in her ear.

“Mac? What’s wrong? Who was it?” The man next to her, slowly awakened by the phone and her voice, raised up on one elbow, and reached for Mac’s hand. Concern showed on his face as he looked at the distress on hers.

“I don’t know. The voice was familiar in a way but not really.”

“Male or female?”

“Male. It sounded weak and was hesitant.”

“What did he say?”

Mac told him and as she repeated the words it slowly dawned on her who the voice belonged to.

“It was Webb...”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“But you were sure he was dead this time...you said you couldn’t feel him.”

“I know what I said Harm, but I was wrong...that was Webb.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t a recording of his voice and someone trying to mess with your head...or with us?” By now Harm was sitting up beside Mac and had slipped his arm around her.

“It was him. Harm, I...Wow...I don’t know what to think or what to do at the moment.”

“Do you want me to leave or stay?”

“Stay...Harm, it’s the middle of the night and Webb showing up doesn’t change the fact that we’re together now.”

“No...but it might change how you feel about us. It could make you think about which of us you want to be with.”

“Harm I chose to be with you.”

“After you thought Webb was dead.”

“Harm, don’t do this now.”

“I thought we agreed we were going to be open and ask questions and try to communicate better.”

“We did...we are...I just don’t even want to think about it right now.”

“So, what? You’re just going to roll over and go back to sleep after getting a call that tells you that your previous boyfriend is alive and needs you?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“Try star sixty-nine and see if you can get him back.”

“Good idea.” Mac reached for the phone but despite the ringing on the other end, no one answered. After setting the phone back on the hook she turned back to look at Harm. “Do you really doubt my feelings for you?”

Harm looked at Sarah Mackenzie as he seriously thought about her question and what he did feel before he answered her. Looking into her eyes and holding her hands in his seconds passed before he spoke.

“I know we have something special and wonderful, but yeah...every now and then I’m afraid that its all a dream and one day one of us will wake up and then I’ll find out that you settled for me when you really wanted someone else.”

“Harm, look at me. I’ll admit that I had given up on us and tried to move on. But I was afraid that you would never feel the same way for me so I tried to protect myself and move on. I didn’t...I don’t...want to be alone, but I thought you only saw me as a friend and the offer to have a child with me was a way for both of us to have something we wanted- a family- with some one we cared about but with out the commitment.”

“What changed?” Harm softly asked.

“You changed my mind at the Admiral’s Dining Out. I realized that we did have something special and unique and that you were a rare and special find. You weren’t going to stand in my way, blackmail me into anything, or declare your love and devotion. Instead you were just there waiting for me to wake up and see what you had been giving me all the time. Like I said then, you are the only one that hasn’t just passed through me life. You’re still around.”

“I told you before I wasn’t losing interest.”

“I know...but how did you know that I needed to hear that?”

“I don’t know, Mac. I just knew. Like you just knew where I was in the Atlantic and I just knew you were in trouble in Paraguay. It’s part of our connection.” Too late Harm realized what he had said.

“Connection...I thought I had a connection to Webb. Guess this shows how wrong I was doesn’t it?”

“Mac, don’t beat yourself up. This still could be a hoax.”

“I guess...You want some coffee?”

“Might as well. Doesn’t look like we’ll sleep anymore tonight,” Harm observed as he swung his feet out of bed and reached for his boxers on the floor and his jeans on the chair.

Mac slipped into a robe on the floor next to her side of the bed and headed for the kitchen to start the coffee.

0750 Local

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

“Are you going to call Kershaw or tell Admiral Mercer about the call first?” Harm asked Mac as he held the elevator door open for her to pass.

“I think I’d better let Admiral Mercer know first and make sure he doesn’t have a problem with me calling Kershaw. I’m not sure enough about Mercer to know how much latitude he’s going to give us. AJ spoiled us I’m afraid.”

Rolling his eyes, Harm nodded his agreement. “I think he tried to point that out to us before he retired too.”

“You think that’s what the sarcasm and change in operating procedure was all about?” Mac asked.

“It could be. Hey, do you want me to go with you to see Admiral Mercer?”

“Thanks, but I can do it...if I call Kershaw...” Mac’s voice trailed off.

“I’ll be right there with you if that’s what you want.”

“Thank you.” Mac reached out and lightly touched Harm’s hand in appreciation, regretting at that moment that they were both in uniform.

Harm returned her smile and watched her as she turned away to go fill Admiral Mercer in on the early morning phone call.

Admiral Mercer’s Office

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

“Oh, Colonel Mackenzie. What is it?” asked Admiral Adam Mercer as he looked up from the large formal desk that AJ Chegwidden had occupied for close to nine years.

“Sir, I received a phone call at home very early this morning. It was a male voice...weak, hesitant..and it sounded like Clayton Webb who reportedly died last May in an accident at sea,” Mac explained.

“So are you telling me you are hearing ghosts or the Webb is alive?” asked Admiral Mercer with no humor evident in his gruff voice.

Mac was irritated by the new JAG’s attitude as she had been on several occasions since he had taken command. Where AJ had been fatherly, this man was distant. Although AJ had wanted to be kept informed he supported their decisions and gave them the freedom to make the calls they needed to make to do their jobs. Mercer wanted to control his staff and make them dance to his tune. AJ had stood tall and strong and proud. Mercer reminded Mac of a troll that lurked in the fringes of the dark and murkiness while coming on fierce and strong when he was seen.

Taking a deep breath to compose herself, Mac finally gave him an answer. “I am keeping you informed of a situation that seems abnormal and would like permission to contact Deputy Commissioner Kershaw with the CIA so that he can investigate this call from a man that may have once worked for him.”

“Watch your tone with me Colonel Mackenzie!”

“Yes, sir!” Mac snapped coming to attention. “Permission to call Kershaw, sir.”

“Granted. Then get on with your duties at JAG. IF you need more work, I’m sure we can find more for you. Dismissed.”

Mac was seething as she turned on her heel and exited the office of Admiral Mercer. Her shoes hit the floor with a resounding click that seemed to echo throughout the bull pen. With barely controlled fury she entered her office and shut the door behind her. Patting herself on her back for keeping control until she was out of sight, she found herself punching the button on her phone that would connect her to Harm.

“Yes?” Harm’s voice penetrated her fog of rage through the phone.

“I’m ready to call Kershaw.”

“Mac, are you alright?”

“Yes. Why?”

“You sound upset.”

“I am. Are you coming or not?”

“On my way.”

Mac took a few more deep breaths and realized she was talking her fury out on Harm. When he entered her office less then a minute later she was ready with her apology.

“Harm, I’m sorry. I’m snapping at you because I can’t snap at Admiral Mercer...I can’t even explain things to him without getting my head bit off!”

“Calm down Mac. Let’s call Kershaw and then we’ll talk about Mercer if you want.”

Appeased for the time being, Mac dialed Kershaw and put him on the speaker phone.

“Colonel Mackenzie! What can I do for you?” asked Deputy Commissioner Kershaw.

“Sire, I had a phone call at home early this morning and I think it was Clayton Webb.”

“Webb’s dead, Colonel. You know that.”

“No I don’t know that... I was told that. I never saw a body. His mother’s not talking. You didn’t hear the voice I did.”

“Are you sure you didn’t dream it. After all you were involved with the man.”

“Yes...and that’s why I am so certain it was his voice.”

“Well, Colonel, I’ll look into it. IF you hear from him again, try to get a phone, number, location, something more to go on. Let me know if you find out anything.”

“You aren’t going to look for him are you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Didn’t have to Kershaw,” interjected Harm.

“That you Rabb?”

“You know it is.”

“Well, you and the Colonel will have to let me know what you find out.” With that Kershaw disconnected the call.

“Now what are we going to do Harm?”

“Get a tracer put on the phone in case he calls again?”

“Not bad, Sailor.”

“Thanks...”

“Harm?”

“Yes, Mac?”

“Thanks for being here.”

“No problem. Need anything else?”

“Not now.”

“I’ll go call about the tracer. We both need to get back to work before the Admiral decided we don’t have enough to do and piles more on.” Harm smiled before walking away.

“Yeah, I’ll see you later.” Mac was already distracted and thinking about what would happen if Webb was alive.

2125 Local

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station

Harm sat on the couch with only one candle flickering in the darkness. The phone rang again but still he did not answer it, letting the answering machine pick up. Harm had stayed optimistic most of the day at JAG despite the mysterious phone call this morning. He had been supportive of Mac and helped make the call to have the Tracer put on her phone. He thought they were both handling the situation fairly well and didn’t think much about her canceling their lunch together as sometimes things came up and they had to do that.

After lunch, Harm had returned to work but had needed to fight the demons a little harder. He kept thinking about what Mac might do about their relationship if Webb was alive. He tried telling himself that Mac really did love him, and had loved him for years. Yet, niggling doubts kept creeping in the longer the day went without him hearing from her.

Just as he was securing for the day, Mac had called and told him that she needed some time alone this evening and cancelled their plans together. Harm had asked her if everything was okay and if she had received another phone call. She had denied it telling him she was just tired and feeling the need for space. They had agreed that there would be times either of them might want to do that and that it wouldn’t be cause for alarm. But after two months neither of them had ever backed on Friday night pizza and movies. Actually Harm had cancelled their plans once but then showed up two hours later saying that he’s had all the space without her he’d wanted. They had laughed about it and then made love for the first time.

Tonight Harm’s doubts and insecurities were playing havoc with him and his ability to think rationally. He had fixed himself some dinner before he read his mail and listened to his voice messages. That’s when things had gone from manageable to overwhelming. The last voice mail message had been Mac. She had called and left a message for him before she had called him at work. He had played it several times and now he could hear her voice without playing the message.

‘Harm, it’s me. I’m sorry about canceling lunch and tonight but I really need to be alone. I don’t want to drag you down and I’m sure you’re tired after the little sleep you had last night. This isn’t about ‘us’, Harm, it’s about me. I need to get myself squared away...Good-bye.’

That one word, ‘good-bye’, tormented him. If she had said ‘bye’ or see you later, he doubted that it would have hit him so hard. Now he was wondering if she really had doubts about them. If Webb were alive, would she chose differently?

Mac had called while he was in the bathroom and the answering machine picked up. He had heard her voice and started for the phone until he heard her say, “Harm, Webb called again. Thanks for getting that tracer on. I’ve got a location and I’m on my way to find him.” He had frozen in his tracks and then somehow made his way to the couch where he had been sitting for close to two hours lost in thought.

When he heard the phone he had not moved. He had listened and again he heard Mac’s beautiful voice. “I’ve got him. I’m taking him to Keirge Hospital. He’s in bad shape but I think he’ll make it. I am so glad he’s alive...this is one boyfriend that didn’t die!” Her laugh had pierced Harm’s heart.

Harm brushed the tears off his face. So this was it. He had lost Sarah Mackenzie, the woman he loved, after all. It was going to be a long weekend.

2135 Local

Keirge Hospital

Outside Washington, DC

Mac returned to Webb’s hospital room. She hoped he was awake so she could talk to him. She was so glad he was alive. She had tried not to dwell on the fact that another of her boyfriends had died. The words Harm had utter so many years ago had haunted her at first, but they had talked about it and realized that while her friend Eddie, ex-husband Chris, and Dalton had all died, so had Jym, Diane and Jordan. They had lost an equal number until Webb. Now Mac wanted to set things straight with Webb.

“Clay, you awake?” Sarah spoke softly in case he was asleep.

“Yes. Sarah, I’ve missed you.” Clay patted the bed beside him.

“Can you tell me what happened and why everyone including your mother thought you were really dead this time?”

“Yeah...I hope you can understand and won’t hate me for this.”

“I promise you Clay, anything you say to me won’t change how I really feel about you...of course it took me a while to decide how I felt you know?”

“I know...but when you told me you loved me that last time I saw you I just knew I had to do something. I’m sorry I lied to you by having my secretary send those gifts. But I wanted you to have them.”

“I know, Clay. It doesn’t matter now. Tell me your story.” Mac encouraged him with another smile.

“We really were on a mission that I can’t tell you much about. I really was lost at sea and when I realized the others were dead, I got an idea. One of the men had been badly hurt. His face was smashed beyond recognition. We were of similar build so I took a chance that they might think it was me and I swam away. It worked. I evaded the rescue teams and they assumed I had been lost at sea - or at least one of us had. Somehow I was found about three hours later by a fishing boat and they pulled me on board. I wouldn’t talk and they thought I was in shock from being in the water so they cared for me. Fortunately I was able to understand what they were saying and knew that I wasn’t in danger from them. I let them take care of me. When we got to shore I discovered I had been taken to the Philippines. As you know there are Al-quieda cells there and it wasn’t long before I was recognized. They didn’t know my name but they knew my face. I was captured and they planned to use me to get information from the states. Eventually we ended up in Virginia and I learned that they were going to try and trade me to some mercenaries that have issues with the CIA in exchange for help in setting up another terrorist attack. I tried to get away and they caught me and beat me this time. I waited and three days ago I was able to escape. I got into a camper that was parked near the road. When it stopped a few hours later I got out and hid at that garage until it was quiet and I could get to the phone. I hadn’t eaten in days and was exhausted. I heard someone coming the first time I called you and then I didn’t get any answer when I tried to call my mother.”

“She closed the house and went on a cruise with some friends to help her get over your death, Clay. I’ve got a call through to her and she’s made arrangements to come home. She should be here tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry I put you all through so much.”

“Why didn’t you just quit the CIA?”

“You don’t just quit that agency Sarah. You know that. I have too much information. I had to find another way to get out...to start over.”

“And how did you think we would be able to be together if you were going to start life with a new identity? Did you think I would walk away from everything and everyone I know?”

“I had hoped you loved me enough to do that - eventually.”

“Clay...”

“Hear me out Sarah...It’s a mute point now. I’m back and I’ll have to deal with the CIA and see if I can get them to at least give me a desk job so I can mostly be home. I want us to have a life together Sarah. I love you.”

“Clay please...”

“What is it Sarah? You said that nothing would change the way you felt for me and you said you loved me.”

“I know I did, Clay...but I think I was desperate. I wanted to love you because you said you loved me. I’ve been through a lot in the last year - as have you- but this spring when I really needed someone to help me through losing you and some personal things I had to deal with...”

“Rabb?”

“Yes. Harm was there for me, Clay. He always has been...I just didn’t see it at first.”

“He’s oblivious to what you need, Sarah.”

“No he’s not. He lets me make up my own mind. He doesn’t try to pressure me. He trusts me to know what I want and who I want and he respects that. My mistake was not letting hearing him...He’s changed a lot Clay...and so have I. I realized that I loved the idea of being in love with you, until I realized that what I wanted I had in Harm. When I think about what the two of us have been through together over the years and what we have meant to each other...I was wrong to say I loved you Clay. I’m sorry...for hurting you and for misleading you.”

“Then why are you here with me now and not with Harm? Where is he?”

“I have to do this alone. This is about me finally knowing what I want and going after it. I was thrilled to find you were alive Clay. I will always think of you as a friend. Harm does too, you know. But I wanted to be able to tell you that I am not your girlfriend any more...just a friend. I want to be able to get on with my life with Harm, and not have to worry that he’s wondering if he was my first choice or someone I settled for.”

“You’ve moved on haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“And there’s no chance for us?”

“Not the way you mean...no. Clay, I’ve loved Harm for years. He’s been my best friend. Yes we have both said and done things that have hurt the other...but you know what...we’re still friends. We’ve healed our hurts and taken pleasure in our friendship again. This time...this summer...we realized that the reason we’ve been able to do that is our love for each other.”

“Then you have no doubts?”

“No doubts. And I don’t want Harm to have doubts either.”

“Then go tell him that I wish you both well. And thank you for getting word to my mother...and finding me.”

“Harm helped with that. If he hadn’t put the tracer on my phone I wouldn’t have been able to find you when you called again tonight.”

“Rabb’s always been a good man...I just hoped I could do better with you. Thank him for me.”

“I will. Good-night Clay. Take care. Harm and I will try to check on you tomorrow.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to see you together, Sarah. Call me before you come over, okay?”

“I will. Get some rest.” With a light heart Sarah Mackenzie left Keirge Hospital and headed her car toward the area known as North of Union Station. She hoped Harm was home. He hadn’t answered the phone when she had called earlier, but maybe he was in now. She decided to just go see him. She had her key to let herself in if he wasn’t there.

2305 Local

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station

Mac was pleased to find Harm’s cars where they belonged. She could see a faint light flickering n the apartment and she figured he had lit a candle or had turned in leaving just a night light on.

Quietly she let herself into the apartment after finding the door locked. As she eased it open she quietly called, “Harm?”

Harm, still sitting on the sofa staring at the candle that had almost burned itself out looked up hearing the door open and Mac’s soft voice calling his name.

“What are you doing here, Mac?”

“Harm what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? After you cancel lunch and our evening together I get home and find a message where you tell me good-bye and then you call again to say Webb is alive and you’re going after him and then you call and are happy and laughing because you didn’t have another boyfriend die on you. I guess I really wasn’t your first choice was I. Have you come to tell me you and Webb are getting married?”

Sarah froze for a moment before she turned on the light on the desk and knelt next to Harm on the sofa. She rested one hand against his cheek and the other on his shoulder.

“Look at me Harm. Listen to what I tell you. Please.” She waited for him to give in and look at her. Warm brown eyes met with turbulent green ones. “I’m sorry. I realize that I didn’t do a good job of explaining myself and I’m sorry you took it wrong. I can see how it happened. Yes I was happy and laughing the last time I called you...Webb was alive and I was going to be able to tell him to his face that I didn’t love him...I love you, Harm. I don’t want you to ever doubt that. You are not my second choice. You’ve always been my first choice...I just didn’t think I could have you so the others became my second choice...and none of them worked out.”

“Do you mean it Mac?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry...I...” Harmed stopped talking and opened his arms to her. She moved into him and felt his arms close around her. They held each other tightly, her face resting on his hair, his face against her neck and shoulder. After a few minutes Harm shifted her in his arms so she was sitting across his lap and her head rested on his shoulder.

“I wasn’t there for you tonight Mac. I doubted you and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Harm. I didn’t stop to think how my words could be taken. I was so focused on dealing with this thing by myself so I could remove your doubts about what I felt for you that I didn’t stop to think that I was creating those doubts and giving you reason to believe in them.”

“I should be so insecure. I know I can trust you...but when I heard you say ‘good-bye’ I was certain you were telling me we were over.”

“Did I say good-bye?” At Harm’s nod she reached up and kissed him lightly. “I’m sorry Harm...I guess I was thinking good-night and instead of saying ‘bye’ like I usually do I said ‘good-bye.’ You’ve been through a lot today and tonight, Harm. How can I make it up to you?”

“You have. You’re here with me now.”

“I know...but there must be something more I could do?” Harm smiled a seductive little smile as she slid her hands over his chest.

“Well, maybe I can think of something...perhaps if we moved to the bedroom?”

“Good idea...”

Harm stood then, lifting Sarah Mackenzie in his arms and holding her against him as he strode to his bedroom. It was time to show one another their love. It would be the last time they had any doubts about their love and commitment to each other.

THE END