Title: IF I HAD YOU

Author: Hollyjp

Summary: I felt there was a missing scene to One Big Boat and while listening to a favorite Alabama CD an idea came to me.

Spoilers: As usual anything up through the newest episode and spoilers gets thrown in with my own speculation.

Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.

The song, “If I Had You” was written by Danny Bear Mayo and Kerry Chater and performed by Alabama on CD “For the Record”.

Author’s Notes: The title of the story is taken from the Alabama song of the same name. I wrote down the words as I listened to the song over and over again. In the story itself, descriptions in parentheses while he’s ‘singing’ the song tell what he is picturing in his mind. It’s the video I would love to do but don’t have the ability at this time...similar to the one in Shifting Sands from season 9 when he played the guitar and we saw what he was thinking about. Anyway, if someone wanted to make the video I wouldn’t object and there are probably even better scenes that I’m not remembering right now that could be worked in. Anyone up to the challenge?

IF I HAD YOU

The past few months were beginning to take a toll on Harm. He had been waiting for Mac to get to a point where he could state his intentions in regards to her and the prospect of the old issue of ‘us’. In May he had sworn to her he would always be there for here. Regardless if she was ever ready for them, he knew that when they were in their eighties, if he knew she needed him, he would be there for her. He had fought his feelings long enough to know that nothing he did would make them go away.

Harm picked up the guitar and settled on the stool at the kitchen island. Now it was November. Six months had passed, and every now and then Mac would do or say some little thing that made Harm think she was finally healing. It was enough to keep him going. He felt bad that Mac had returned to duty at JAG without him this week. When they had returned from their last trip overseas, they had met briefly with Creswell. At that time, Harm’s assignment to qualify under naval regulations on an F-18 was discussed and Creswell was shown Harm’s orders to report to the Naval Air Station in Florida for phase one of the training.

Creswell had studied Harm as if he was a specimen under a microscope before asking him, “Are you planning to leave JAG again and change your designator?”

“No sir.”

“Then why are they retraining you, an aging Tomcat jet jock, on the new bird?”

“They feel that I still have something to offer sir.”

“Are you that good a pilot, Commander?”

“Apparently good enough that the Navy doesn’t feel it’s wasting its money, sir.”

“Yes, well enjoy your vacation from JAG and be prepared to hit the ground running when you return.”

“Aye, aye, sir!”

“Dismissed Commander...Colonel, I need to see you before you leave.”

Harm had left the JAG’s office then, worrying about Mac, but knowing he couldn’t protect her, just pick up the pieces if she needed it later. He returned to his reassigned old office thanks to Sturgis’ attempt to placate everyone and unpacked some things, redecorating it with his personal things. The yellow Stearman model took its place of honor on the credenza to the right of his desk. The picture in the frame she had given him for Christmas with a copy of the picture he had given her taken in Afghanistan two years ago stood next to it. He set the picture Tom had taken of Mattie and Harm together in his plane during the summer next to that.

Finally there was the collage picture of Sergei and Harm together. Mac had put it together for him after Sergei had left to prove to him that in the short time the two men had spent together, they had gathered some memories and pictures to go with them. Mac had spent time with them back them, in case there was a language barrier and just because Harm had asked her to join them. He had smiled thinking about the family he had assembled, but that had fallen apart as well.

Sergei was married to Galena now and they were expecting their first baby. Mattie had emotionally healed and returned to her father. Mac was apparently still healing. Harm was trying to be patient and not lose hope. That was where Mac had found him when she returned from Creswell’s office.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine. I think I was just warned though.”

“About what?”

“Making excuses. He doesn’t like it...”

“That doesn’t sound like you Mac.”

“Thanks...All moved back in?”

“Almost. Are you ready to go?”

“Yes.”

They had left JAG together then, and Mac had returned Monday on her own. He had left Sunday, after signing papers for Mattie to return to her father, so he could qualify on F-18's. He had gotten home in time to see Mattie take the last box down stairs and set plans for Saturday. They agreed not to say good-bye but he wanted her to decide how soon for them to get together and had been pleased when she chose Saturday. It meant he wouldn’t have that long before he could dpend time with her again.

Now was home relaxing his tired aching body, passing the time with music. He had always enjoyed jazz and blues music as well as some of the classic oldies from the seventies and eighties. His roommate during qualifications was from Alabama and listened to the music of Alabama. One song he had heard wouldn’t leave him alone. He had been dying to get home and put his own twist to it. He had stopped at the music store and picked up the music for the song, “If I Had You.” When he heard it, all he could think about was Mac and how much he wanted her to give him a signal that she was ready for more.

Harm began picking out the melody on his guitar and humming the words to the song as he played. As he gain confidence and became more familiar with the chords, he started putting his own stamp on the music. Over the years he had learned that most music genre’s were combinations. Although he didn’t see himself as the country music type, he admitted that there were songs he liked...some times for their musical qualities and other times for their lyrics. He started again this time, singing the words as he looked at a picture of Mac.

“If I had you-We’d run like gypsies in the wind”- (Harm closed his eyes and pictured them dressed as gypsies in Russia seven years before. He could hear her words asking him what was his plan. He continued singing the words to the song.)

“We’d be lovers” (and he could feel her kiss on his lips) -we’d be friends- (and he saw her arms held up to him for a hug when he had to leave her in the desert with Keeter to fly the black jet to the carrier) -If I had you...” (and he saw Mac looking up at him under the mistle toe as they left the Roberts for Christmas service)

“If I had you-we’d count the stars all one by one-“ (he remembered all the times they had stood on vultures row watching the night time sky and the planes taking off and landing on the carrier and he still wondered where her tattoo was) We’d make love ‘til they were gone-Oh if I had you...” ( He pictured her eyes meeting his across the conference room after he had said good-bye to Kate Pike and the way she had moved into his arms for a hug when she arrived on the carrier after being rescued with Keeter.

“But you light a fire- (He pictured them sitting by the campfire after the poachers had shot her leg sharing a cigar)

“Way down in my soul- (He could see her look at him when he had crumbled after they knew Bud would be okay)

“The flame keeps growing stronger”- (He saw her eyes meet his after they had kissed on the Admiral’s porch)

“’cause there ain’t no control-( He felt his knuckles crack as he and Brumby had pummeled each other after they had broken Bud’s jaw)

“And there’s nothing”- (He saw himself walking away from the Navy for her)

“No there’s nothing”- (He could see the terrorists falling at his hands to get to her on that torture table)

“No there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do” - (He saw himself ignoring the kiss she gave Webb as he sat in the jeep waiting to get to help)

“If I had you.” ( He saw her soaking in a tub of bubbles and he couldn’t stop looking at her.)

“If I had you” - (He could hear her say they would never be an us.)

“We’d sail the seven seas as one” (He could see Mac walking arm in arm with him he escorted her to dinner at the Admiral’s dining out)-

“We’d never say it can’t be done-No if I had you-”- (He saw them talking on the bench and the look in her eyes when he told her the offer to have a baby with her was good as long as she wanted - no time limits)

“But you light a fire-Way down in my soul-(Men tend to pass through my life - except you she had said)

“The flame keeps growing stronger”- (Will you always be there for me?)

“There ain’t no control- (Yes - he had said and her eyes had burned into his)

“And there’s nothing- (He saw Tanveer’s gun pointing at him and then her and him putting the gun down)

“Whoa there’s nothing- (He clasped her hands as she told him that she needed to tell him what the doctor had said)

“I know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do- (He saw himself letting her walk away to talk to Webb at Mander Lee)

“If I had you.” (He could see her face when she had admitted she was afraid of being separate from him.)

Harm jumped at the knock on the door. Setting down the guitar, he wondered if Mattie had forgotten something. He could have looked, but he didn’t as he swung the door opened to find Mac standing there. Her face lit up as she smiled at him.

“Hey Harm...how are you?”

“I’m find Mac. Come on in. What brings you here?”

“I was worried about you...Mattie’s gone home, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Are you really okay with it?”

“Yes...I miss her, but this is what needed to happen. She belongs with her Dad. I’m going to see her Saturday.”

“Good. I think she was worried that you weren’t going to miss her.”

“She talk to you?”

“Yes. She asked me to take care of you for her...not let you get too lonely.”

“Oh.”

“Harm...I’m here because I want to be. Don’t go getting all moody on me.”

“Am I doing that?”

“A little maybe...Harm, what was the song I heard you playing when I got to the door?”

“It’s a song called “IF I Had You.”

“It’s the Alabama song. You don’t usually go for country.”

“No, but the song seemed to fit how I was feeling.”

“Play it again?” Mac asked.

Harm strummed the guitar and soon Mac realized he was just playing.

“Sing it too.”

Harm started the chords over again and this time sang the words. When he finished he looked up at Mac. She didn’t say a word but went to him and took the guitar setting it to one side. She wrapped her arms around him, stepping between his knees to get closer. His legs braced, with his feet on the floor, he wrapped his arms around her waist allowing her to just hold him to her. Her head rested on his chest. She was listening to his heart beat strong and steady. She felt Harm relax and rest his chin on her head at the same time his arms tightened a little more.

Mac couldn’t have said how long they held each other before she looked up at him and asked, “Do you really want me?”

“Yes.”

“Because you’re lonely now that Mattie’s gone?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“Because you are you...I love you Mac...but I want you to want me just as much as I want you.”

Harm saw the tears sliding freely down her cheeks and he reached out to touch her face so tenderly.

“Harm, I want you to...”

“Are you telling me you are ready?”

“Yes....”

He pulled her against him as she smiled, “Harm, if I’d known I had you this processes wouldn’t have taken so long.”

“Now you tell me!”

“I love you.”

“And I love you and I plan to tell you at least once a day.”

“I could get use to that.”

The End