I’ll See Your Never and Raise it to Forever

Author: Hollyjp

Synopsis: The story picks up in season nine after Harm returns to JAG. Mattie is living with him and Mac is trying to cope with all she’s been through and is still going through after Paraguay, Sadik, losing her best friend, and dealing with Webb.

Author’s Notes: There may be times that this story is hard to take as many people were so unhappy with season nine. Keep in mind I will focus on scenes that we didn’t see and generally refer to things we did see. There may be some dialogue from the shows that may be used, but not always by the people speaking them in the show although sometimes it will be the original speakers. I change many events later in season nine and from season ten or just gloss over some things.

I figure if TPTB can recycle dialogue over in over in the one show and then plunk it in the middle of another series, then I can do the same! Always remember I’m a shipper and I’ll never let our favorite couple down in the long run. Hope you enjoy this latest journey I take them on.

Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.

I’ll See Your Never and Raise it to Forever

PART 1

Harm stood aside as Mac explained her findings to the Captain of the USS Bennington regarding the crash of Lt. James Ross. Once again Mac saw things very different from him. He just couldn’t buy suicide in this case to begin with, but Mac had and then had decided to blame the Commander in charge of the Flight Squadron. Harm stood beside her as she made her case to the Captain. His efforts to contradict her fell on deaf ears as he once again found himself in a clash of wills with Mac over the outcome of an investigation.

In the early days they had clashed often, but as their skills as investigators and lawyers improved, and as they learned more about one another, their disagreements became entrenched in their presentations to others and less in what they actually said directly to one another. They would fall back on referring to the other person by title or sometimes as if they were absent.

As Harm heard the Captain agree that Mac had a valid concern and determined that the situation warranted further investigation, he prepared himself for another of their infamous court battles. On one hand, this situation was a blessing in disguise. They would be in court together for several days as the case was tried. He could never get enough of being around Mac, and the thrill of countering her legal prowess was icing on the cake. For the challenge junkie he was, it didn’t get any better then going head to head with Mac in court...unless it was working side by side together in court...that had even more positives to it, but rarely happened now they were both senior attorneys. For that matter, being paired with Bud rarely happened these days and he did miss working side by side with Bud at times too, but for very different reasons.

Harm thought of Mattie for a moment. He was missing his first parent-teacher conference and he had been literally sick over it. Jennifer Coates had quickly stepped up and agreed to do the big sister thing for him, but it was his job as Mattie’s guardian and he wanted to be there for her. His relationship with the admiral was still on shaky ground, so he hadn’t wanted to take a chance on destroying what they had rebuilt so far by trying to refuse this assignment. He had swallowed his confusion over his responsibilities and duties, asked Jen for her help and headed out to sea with Mac. The heading out to sea part he didn’t mind and the going with Mac part he was thrilled with. She had no choice but to be with him and Harm needed every chance he could get to try to fix their relationship. Once he had gotten over the shock of her saying it could never happen and he had ended up back in the Navy, he knew he had to fight to overcome her never with forever.

When Mac had said that they could ‘never’ be a couple, it had destroyed him. It had been harder to hear then the Admiral not letting him back into the Navy. Harm had been pumping with adrenaline for weeks after Paraguay and every night when he dreamed how close Mac had come to being tortured, the fear pumped adrenaline through him again. As a result he became a thrill junkie and welcomed the dangerous challenges that flying for the CIA had offered. He knew from Jack Keeter’s experiences that it could be a good job, but he also knew himself and a spook was not who he was. He was Navy...a sailor, a pilot, a lawyer...but Navy.

As the weeks and months had passed, Harm’s natural inclination to come to the rescue...his drive to go the extra mile...resurfaced until he had ended up plastered across the news and therefore of no use to the CIA. Once again he had been unemployed.

Being fired had turned out to be a blessing in disguise, however, in that it had brought him to Mattie and landed him home long enough so that Mac made contact. As soon as she came to see him, he was sunk. He tried holding on to his anger, but he couldn’t. He loved Sarah Mackenzie, his Mac, like he would never love anyone else. He had to accept it and then try to make her see that she was wrong about ‘never.’ He kicked himself that he had walked away before, but he knew that the admiral had been right. He needed to grow up, needed to decide what to do to keep Mac in his life so he could convince her to see things his way.

Over the years he had learned so much about Mac, but he hadn’t learned how to be the man she needed. He had even asked her for a manual and her cryptic response had been to tell him he knew the answer. After Mattie came into his life he began to understand what Mac had hinted at. As he grew to know and love Mattie more and more each day, he learned what he had to do to be the kind of father she needed in her life...and by extension the kind of man Mac needed in hers.

The parallels between Mattie and Mac weren’t lost on him. Two months into being Mattie’s guardian found him having reached a new level of maturity as he found ways to provide her with the solid support she required. Harm also began to understand that Mac hadn’t had that growing up and that the Marine Corps had become her surrogate father. The Marine Corps had given her structure, boundaries, and direction. It hadn’t given her the tools for dealing with relationships, thus this was what Harm would have to concentrate on. He set about finding ways for the Navy to provide security and encourage independence allowing her to be all the woman she could be...and Harm was the Navy.

As they traveled back to Washington D.C. from the Mediterranean Sea, Harm let his mind wander back over the past year. He and Mac had been rebuilding their friendship after her engagement to Brumby ended. He knew he had bumbled things badly back then, but as they had gotten to know each other again, they had admitted that there was something between, although neither felt comfortable to be the first one to name what it was. Somehow they had found themselves at odds with one another again and instead of being closer the gap widened once again.

“What’s got you so deep in thought Harm?” Mac asked as the plane reached cruising altitude as they returned home. “Pouting because the Skipper sided with me?”

“You know better Mac. I guess I have been lost in thought...this thing with Mattie and her English teacher is on my mind I guess.”

“Want to talk about it?” Mac offered surprising him.

“Thanks Mac...” he took a deep breath a sighed while deciding where to start. “You know that Mattie wasn’t going to school when I found her...and she was only fourteen then, right?”

“Yes...she had a birthday?”

“Yes...never told me about it until weeks later. Her birthday and mine are three days apart.” Harm grinned at the coincidence. “Anyway, She is enrolled in school now, but only some of her teachers are willing to give her credit for first semester...well if she passes the first semester exam. Seems fair to me, and most of them...except the Dragon Lady.”

“Dragon Lady?”

“Mattie’s English teacher won’t give an inch. I was suppose to meet with her but I had to take this assignment, so Jennifer went for me...it didn’t go well...that was the call I got. The Dragon Lady apparently said something that Mattie took exception too, Mattie yelled at the teacher in my defense and then walked off.”

“Will she reschedule?”

“Yeah....Jen got another meeting scheduled for me, but I’m going to have to pull out all the stops to convince her that Mattie has a better command of the English language and a richer vocabulary then most students her age.”

“How are you going to convince her, Counselor?”

“I’ve got the copies of the business plan Mattie wrote for the bank, the business letters she wrote to customers, and the huge document she prepared for the judge to convince her that she belonged with me and not her Dad right now.”

“Think it will work?”

Harm shrugged, “If she’s human and not a dragon, I think we’ve got a shot...Mac?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not sure I ever thanked you enough for coming to court that day and for convincing Tom and the judge to give us a chance...thank you.” Harm tipped his head toward Mac and smiled.

“No need...I just wish...never mind.”

“What Mac? What do you wish?” Harm pleaded. He hated it when Mac would start opening herself up to him like she had in the old days, and then slam it shut without telling him.

“I wish you’d have come to me...talked to me about it sooner.”

“I know...and you know why I didn’t, right?”

“Because I said there could never be an us?”

“Yes.”

“But Harm, I didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends...and friends talk to friends...help each other, support each other...I told you before I never wanted to lose you and I meant it...I thought you did too.”

“I know Mac...but there have been some life changing experiences recently...”

“So that’s it? You’re going to walk away forever?”

“I didn’t say that...it’s just that things have changed.” Harm remained calm despite Mac’s slightly raised voice and her obvious distress.

“I know...Mattie changes things.” Mac sank back against her seat again in defeat.

“And Webb...unless he’s out of the picture. Is he Mac?”

“Not completely.”

“I didn’t think so. If you don’t mind, I’m going to rest awhile. I don’t want to rehash all this now.”

“Harm that’s unfair,” Mac began to protest.

“It’s unfair when I’m not ready to talk, but perfectly right when you refuse to talk...I’m beginning to see the writing on that manual I asked for Mac...and I’m beginning to understand the language even.” Harm gave her a knowing look as he turned away.

With that Harm settled down in his seat, closed his eyes, and put on a headset to listen to some music. Not that he really wanted to listen to the music, but it prevented Mac from talking to him. He didn’t want to hear what the next verbal bomb would be she would drop on him. He hadn’t recovered from ‘never’ and it had been months...almost a year since she had hit him with the one thing that he wouldn’t challenge her on. Harm let his mind return to his previous thoughts from before Mac interrupted him.

While Harm had cooled his heels in the brig after being accused of murdering Lt. Loren Singer and her unborn baby, Mac was preparing to take on the ill-fated assignment with the CIA. Harm had gotten out just in time to have Mac waltz off on that CIA mission on her own. He had struggled with his conflicting emotions. He was proud of her for the independent gung-ho Marine she was, but he also felt both possessive and protective of Mac when he let himself think of her as a woman.

When they were in uniform and following military protocol, it was easier to remember that she was a trained military person capable of being his equal in any situation. But when they were in civilian dress, he saw Mac as a desirable woman and one he wanted for himself. Mac on the other hand, said she was a Marine and could take care of herself. The mixed messages had confused Harm because he wasn’t sure what Mac needed or wanted from him.

The night she had shown up on his door step wearing the pregnancy padding, he had wanted her like never before. He longed to see her pregnant with his baby. That glimpse of what their future could be warmed and frightened him at the same time. He instinctively knew that while Mac would be a good wife and mother, she had an independent streak and a strength within her that would mean she would always be ready and willing to answer the call of duty. While he loved her for those very characteristics, they drove him crazy with worry and fear. The thing that Mac hadn’t gotten about him, yet, was that he understood. He respected her and her decisions even if he didn’t always agree.

In the seat next to Harm, Mac was fuming again. She hated it when Harm used his head, thought things through, and acted so mature. She had always felt that her level head had given her the edge in their relationship, because Harm had always been lead by his emotions and he needed her to come up with the dispassionate plans. Now she had lost that edge and she didn’t like it. She had felt that edge slipping away from her in Paraguay when Harm had shown up to rescue her.

She closed her eyes and remembered the moment she recognized him as he burst through that door. The old Harm would have swept her up in his arms and hugged her even if just for a second before he went back to the mission. But he had changed...and he had released her, guided her to safety while staying focused on his mission.

Suddenly Harm was the one with the dispassionate plan and it had been emphasized, underscored, and put in bold when he had stood by quietly while she had given into emotions and her guilt and kissed Webb. When she had seen him and heard his attempted declaration of love she had fought the guilt of what he had endured trying to protect her, the old habit of turning to any man that said the words she longed to hear, and her anger that Harm had taken over in the one area he had always needed her for.

Later when they had survived the hard landing, Mac had seen a chance to take control again and make the plans...but things kept going wrong. First when she was headed back to rescue him, he started shooting at her because the tire on the truck had blown and he thought he was being shot at. Then he had dropped his own verbal bomb that he had a wife. Her heart had stopped until she decided he was just teasing her. Only she didn’t see any humor in it...because she feared he had another woman in his life after all they had been through. She got so caught up in that possibility, Mac forgot to wonder how Harm had managed to find them or how his injuries were effecting him...she just got mad and let the emotions take control.

It wasn’t until much later when they were somewhat safe at the hotel and she was immersed in a bubble bath that she saw any sign from Harm that he cared for her and that she maybe she was more then assignment to him. She could still feel the warmth come over her as she soaked in that tub and Harm came in. The look on his face had intrigued her. He had told her once that he saw a desirable woman when he looked at her. His husky voice, murmuring, “I’d forgotten how beautiful you are,” had almost done her in on the spot. She didn’t hesitate to check out his body and she knew at that moment he had wanted her as a woman. Only instead of ignoring the knock on the door and giving in to the moment, Harm had left a gun for her and calmly walked away.

When it came to missed chances, they had to be undefeated. No two people could have timing as bad as they did. When she was ready he wasn’t...when he was ready...he no longer gave into emotions. That was when Mac had began to realize that things would never work between her and Harm...no matter how much they wanted it too. When he was in control, he wouldn’t give in to those feelings and needs. When she was in control, she wanted to call the shots, and when she did, he had other ideas...or wasn’t ready...or walked away.

Over the following few days she had tried to push the envelope and shake him off his pedestal of honor and dignity. She almost had him once...she knew it in her gut, when he leaned toward her as they had shared a bed, just before Gunny and Webb appeared at their door. That was when she heard from Webb just what Harm had sacrificed for her...his naval career. She heard the words coming out of her mouth - “But the Navy is all you have” - and knew immediately it hadn’t come out right...but it was too late to call the words back. Her emotions had allowed her to speak without thinking and she saw the hurt in his eyes.

Mac knew that she hadn’t given up completely on the possibilities at that point, but later when she had asked him why and tried to force a conversation, he had backed away giving her the cryptic, “I think you know answer.” She hated it when he would avoid her that way!

Mac had watched Harm slip back into an emotional reaction at that point, and he made a few cutting remarks himself. Mac knew them for what they were...jealousy. Something still nagged at her even now when she thought back on that time. The things they said to each other...the tone of their voices...Mac couldn’t quite fine tune what was there so the picture would fade away as fast as it had started to form. But she had used the word never that night on the curb...and now there was a gulf between them that she wasn’t sure could be breached.

Mac opened her eyes and looked at her long time friend and partner seated next to her. She had missed him while he had been away. She had wanted him back at JAG and had no idea how to convince the Admiral that he was needed, when the terrible truth came out about Commander Carolyn Imes. Mac grabbed it as the one chance in a million that might just open doors for Harm to return and it had worked.

Harm had returned to JAG...and brought another female into his life...Mattie. Mac fought the jealousy she felt not because he had Mattie, but because he hadn’t shared Mattie with her. Still she knew how much helping Harm needed to help Mattie, so she had thrown caution to the wind and tried to jump in...only Harm held her off a little. She felt tears come to her eyes when she let the memories in from the night Harm had stormed out of her apartment after asking for her help in court. She had gotten mad - not because he asked for her help - but because he had waited so long to ask her! When had muttered, ‘This is too important for you to screw up,’ it had given her a jolt.

Harm didn’t walk away when he wanted something for someone else. He became tenacious, ‘like gum on the bottom of your shoe’ the Admiral would say. He would charm, he would plead his case, he didn’t walk away...but he had. She had stood alone in her apartment and cried out of fear, frustration and a sense of loss...and then she had gotten mad, before she came up with a plan...because something danced just outside her conscience even now that she couldn’t put her finger on.

Mac had sucked it up, found out where the court hearing was and made it there in time to speak on Harm’s behalf. She couldn’t look at him as she opened the door to his soul just a bit to admit in front of Harm, that he was the man she wanted to father her children...ever since they had made that deal...the idea had grown and taken root. She would try to weed it out and replace it with another deal, but Mic Brumby had not been the answer. She had gotten her point across without totally face by saying that she would want the father to be someone like Harmon Rabb -and she thought it had worked until she had glanced at him, seen the squinty look on his face that he got when he was figuring out what was being said between the lines, and then the smile that hovered just out of sight. She was sure at that point that her secret was out but she wouldn’t give in to it.

When the judge had ruled in favor of a foster home, Mac had been shocked. She had spent the time between court and the Christmas service trying to figure out how she could fix this for Harm. In the back of her mind she felt like a little girl again, hoping that if she fixed things for her father, he would love her and that if he was happy, maybe her mother would come home and their family could be whole again. It had never happened, but Mac thought just maybe she could make things up to Harm and Mattie.

Mac had gone to the judge catching her just before she left to go home and asked her what it would take to reverse her decision about the foster home for Mattie. She had grilled Mac in her chambers. “Why does this matter so much to you, Colonel Mackenzie?”

“Because I remember being Mattie’s age and having my mother walk away from me and leave me with a drunken father. I would have given the world to have someone with the ethics and morals of Harmon Rabb care about me the way he cares about that young woman. I was with him when he ended his search for the father he lost as a child. I know how devastated he was. He will move mountains to rebuild and maintain Mattie’s relationship with her biological father...because it’s the right thing to do. Please, Judge...what can I do to change your mind about the foster home?”

Mac had watched the Judge stare at her in thoughtful consideration. She looked down and reached for a form filling in some blanks and signing it with a flourish.

“Take this form with you. If you can convince Mr. Johnson to sign this form willingly, legal guardianship goes to Commander Rabb. It will need to be filed with this court on the next business day.”

Mac had taken the form and sighed in relief. She had called Webb to tell him that she would have to cancel their date, but he had pleaded and begged with her to come later if she had something she needed to attend to. He tried being understanding but he hadn’t hesitated to make her feel guilty by remembering Paraguay. She was slowly realizing that he did that often when he wanted her to comply with his request, but Mac pushed the thought aside to focus on her plan for getting Tom Johnson to see things her way.

She had sent Mattie back to Jen to wait for her, and then climbed into the truck next to Tom Johnson to tell him her story. He had cried for his little girl and for himself as Mac had talked and then had asked for the paper to sign Mattie over to Harm. Vowing to be there to help and to be a sponsor at meetings if he wanted her to be, she had convinced him to tell Mattie himself what he was agreeing to do. What ever Harm’s reaction when she brought Mattie to him, she had already been amply rewarded when she saw the light in Mattie’s eyes shining with happiness.

Together they had driven to the wall and Mac had watched them reunite. Mattie wrapped her arms around Harm’s waist and hung on as they talked. Harm had asked her to join them, but she had that date with Webb. She had watched long enough to hear Mattie tell Harm it was okay to hug her, and when he had bent his head to toward Mattie’s hair, she had slipped away. The date with Webb had been a disaster.

Mac felt the plane begin its descent. Harm was already gathering his things together. They were so close with such a huge chasm between them, all because she had voiced her doubts and declared they would never work.

PART 2

A few days after they had returned from the Bennington, Harm had made another trip to prove a theory he and Bud had stumbled on after getting the financial records for Lt. James Ross. As a result the charges were dismissed against Commander Stannich.

Thanks to Mattie, Harm was getting an inkling of how complex the woman he loved really was. When she had told him at her engagement party that ‘he made things too difficult’ and he had responded that ‘she made them too simple’, he hadn’t expected her to voice an opposing view. She had looked at him after the Stannich’s hearing only to inform him that ‘he made things to simple’. It was a bit of a turn around, but nonetheless a revealing statement. Harm smiled as he watched her retreating back. Later he caught up with her in the bullpen.

“Hey Tiger...”

“Harm, this new nickname is going to stick I suppose,” Mac stated more then asked.

“I kind of like it. Reflects how fierce you can be...and how playful.”

“Playful? I think you’ve lost your mind, Rabb.”

“No...but you always use to enjoy having fun. Has that changed?”

“What are you getting at? I know you and you’ve got an agenda.”

“What if I do?”

“Harm, I don’t want to play games with you anymore.”

“I think you do.”

“You’d be wrong.”

“So prove to me I’m wrong.”

“How do you suggest I do that?”

“Come over to the loft to spend an evening with us - Jennifer, Mattie and me.”

“And how is that suppose to prove that I want to play games with you?”

“Because you’ll have so much fun, you’ll want to come back for more. You can’t help smiling and evening laughing when you’re with those two. I like who I am when I’m with them...it reminds me of how you and I use to be.”

“Harm,” Mac warned with the tone of her voice letting him know she did not want to go there with him in the middle of the bullpen.

“All I’m saying is it would be nice to have another adult around, and I think you’d have fun...whether I’m there or not. Will you at least think about it?”

“Maybe,” Mac hesitantly conceded.

Harm sighed and let her walk away. Mac had changed since Paraguay and not for the better. He worried about her but figured that Chegwidden would step in if needed. He always had in the past.

Harm headed for his office to get his things. He had an appointment with the infamous ‘Dragon Lady’ this afternoon. His ears still burned with Mattie’s disappointed voice telling him to “Knock himself out” on the case. He knew she expected he would let her down and be a ‘no-show’ but he wasn’t about to let that happen. He had talked to Bud about balancing duty and home life.

“Hey Bud...how do you do it and stay sane?” Harm had asked in the car to catch their flight to the Bennington.

“What do you mean sir?”

“Bud, its just you and me here...call me Harm...”

“Yes...ss...ah...Harm...” Bud shot him a grin. “I’m not sure what you’re asking?”

“How do you find the balance between being there when you’re family needs you, and answering the call to duty?”

“You like to ask the tough question, huh?” At Harm’s chagrined smile, Bud went on. “I guess its easier when you grow into it. You’ve kind of landed in the middle of it...but there are a few things that have helped me...and I had to learn it over time. Sometimes both Harriet and I still flub up. For the most part, you set priorities. If its something really important you move mountains to be there. If you can’t, then you do lots of little extras to try to bridge the gaps.”

“Give me some specific things, Bud.”

“Okay. I love to see little AJ when he goes for riding lessons, but I can’t be there for every lesson. I go when I can and give him my undivided attention. One time things, like school plays and piano recitals, I go to when I can. If he needs me to stay home with him when he doesn’t feel good, I rearrange my schedule. He knows that I’ll be there whenever I can for him, and that if I’m not there I have no choice. It’s my duty.”

“So its building trust...making him feel secure, protected, cared for...loved.”

“Exactly. It’s going to be hard at times because Mattie is older and doesn’t have that trust naturally. It’s been bruised and battered over the years.”

“Just like Mac...”

“What was that Harm?”

“Oh...nothing...I think you’re right though. Mattie needs to learn I’ll be there when I can and that its my choice to spend time with her. Do you think its okay to try to weave Mac into our lives at the same time?”

“I think it would be good for all of you. You know Harm...she really missed you when you were gone. We all did...and she tried to make us think it was a fact of military life that you’d moved on...but I’d catch her at times looking so sad and acting as if she was lost with out you here.”

“I hope you didn’t say as much to her Bud.”

“I tried...she let me know it was a closed subject most of the time, although she often asked if we had heard from you.”

“I hurt her when I didn’t call her back Bud...but I couldn’t. I thought it would stop hurting if I just stopped all contact.”

“It doesn’t work that way. There are still times I feel my leg even though its not there. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it itches and sometimes it tickles.”

“What do you do then Bud?”

“If it itches, I scratch it.” Bud grinned at his friend, mentor and senior officer.

“I got it Bud.” Harm shook his head and chuckled. Bud could look like a bumbling idiot at times to those that didn’t know him. Harm had learned to respect and trust this man more then most. He was one of the few that he let in to know the real Harm. Some how Bud had just informed Harm that he’d be a fool not to try to pull Mac into his life - and Mattie’s - once again.

1830 Local

Rabb Residence

“Did I tell you I thought you were awesome with the Dragon Lady today? Thanks Harm.”

“You’re welcome Mattie. Hey, Mattie...how would you feel if I asked Mac to join us in the evening or on a weekend once in awhile?”

“She’s your girlfriend, isn’t she?” Mattie grinned getting started on one of her favorite topics.

“She’s a friend.”

“She’s a girlfriend then.”

“Mattie...”

“I know Harm, you’re trying not to corrupt me or do anything in front of me that the courts would consider in bad taste...but I heard what that social worker said you know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Neither the social worker nor the judge could believe that you didn’t have a woman in your life. That’s because you have a Marine in yours and you two can’t seem to get past your uniforms...even in civilian clothes.”

“Its complicated Mattie.”

“So make it simple. You like her as a person right?”

“Yes.”

“You think she’s hot?”

“Mattie!”

“What?”

“We shouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“Why not? I’m fifteen years old. I’ll be dating soon...”

“No you won’t.”

“Harm, are you telling me that you didn’t date at sixteen?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“All I’m saying is that we learned in Health class that most kids learn how to have relationships by watching their parents interact. If you don’t have a girlfriend, how are you going to model limits for me...show me what’s okay for public displays of affection and stuff like that. I may have to try some things and test the limits myself,” Mattie threatened trying to hide her smile as she watched Harm’s horrified expression.

“Look, we’ll visit Bud and Harriet a lot. You can watch them...”

“But I think of you as my Dad now, Harm...and it would be really nice to have someone like a mother in my life again...I mean Jennifer makes a great big sister, but she needs you to be a parent for her at times too...even though she’d never admit it if you asked her.”

“Then how did you come to that conclusion?”

“I listen to her when she talks about her father and how she wishes someone like you had been there for her when she was my age.”

“I see.”

“Like it or not Harm...you have two daughters now...and we need a mother at times. I think Mac would be good for us. Jen likes her. I heard what she said in court and I know she worked some magic to get permission for me to be with you since Christmas despite everything. I want to do something for her too.”

“And what do you think that might be?”

“Including her in our family.”

“Mattie, I don’t want you to get your hopes up. I agree with you that we should let Mac know we want her in our family, but she’s been through a lot this last year and I’m not sure she’s ready to join us.”

“I know...but we can ask, right?”

“Sure we can.”

“Good, then why don’t you call her and invite her to go with us this weekend when we go hiking?”

“Fine.” Harm muttered as he pushed back from the table to clear it. “Just who is the parent in this family,” he mumbled.

Mattie heard him and giggled. Her new father was so loveable.

Next Day

JAG HQ

Washington, D.C.

Harm and Mac sat in Judge Helfman’s court room listening to her displeasure that the Maravelis case was not closed as yet. They each assured her they were working on it and expected to reach a resolution soon. She dismissed them demanding they get this case wrapped sooner then later.

After a quick dash to their offices, Harm and Mac were headed to meet with the bank where they were to retrieve the check and remaining diamonds.

“I’ll meet you there Mac. I’m going to Mattie’s volleyball game this afternoon and I don’t want to miss it.”

“You’re really getting into the father thing, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Did you think I wouldn’t?”

“No...yes, at times.”

“Mac, what’s wrong? You seem...distracted.”

“I just have a feeling something with this case is going wrong. With Van Dyne missing...I don’t know exactly.”

“Another premonition?”

“Or something. I’ll see you there.”

Harm watched Mac for a second before sliding into the Corvette. He turned the key and nothing.

“Great...now what?” He got out thinking maybe the battery which was under his seat, could be loose. The next thing he knew he saw a flash of white and heard a roar louder then a jet engine. At the same time he felt his face burn.

He couldn’t recall screaming but he must have. He could see Mac and her mouth was moving. She looked upset and then he realized he was talking to her and couldn’t hear himself.

“Mac...I can’t hear a thing.” Somehow he managed to focus on Mac. She had pulled out her cell phone and was making calls, while talking a cloth out of her pocket and reaching up to wipe his face. He held his breath until he saw the cloth come away and was assured that he wasn’t bleeding. Slowly he realized that his head hurt. Mac led him to her car and helped him in. He thought she was saying hospital and supposed he was telling her she was taking him. He’d have to wait and see.

He closed his eyes from the pounding in his head as rested it on the head rest in Mac’s Corvette. He kept thinking about how this accident would effect Mattie.

Mac somehow got Harm into her car and managed to focus on her driving long enough to get him to the local hospital emergency room. She wanted him checked out before she took the time to drive him to Bethesda. Harm’s confusion and darting glances as he tried to understand what was happening in a world where he had been abruptly robbed of his hearing chilled Mac to the bone. Once Harm had been escorted to another room for a hearing assessment, Mac stepped out of the hospital to try and reach Mattie. Harm had told her that Mattie had a cell phone with voice mail, so she left her a brief message.

“Mattie, its Mac...Colonel Mackenzie...look, I don’t want you to worry, but I thought you should know Harm’s been in a little accident and he’s having trouble hearing. He’s awake and walking under his own power. They’re testing his hearing now. I’ll let you know what I find out after they get the test results. Call me and let me know what’s a good time for me to call you...I’ll talk to you later. I promise, he’s fine...other then his hearing loss.”

Mac flipped her phone closed and returned to the cubicle for Harm to return. Twenty minutes later the nurse came in to scoop up Harm’s things.

“Are you waiting for Commander Rabb?”

“Yes. I brought him in.”

“They want to admit him for observation. He’s experiencing some problems with his balance. We want to make sure that its nothing significant. The doctor will be going to his room, if you want to go up.”

“Thank you...but maybe I should take him to Bethesda.”

“He indicated he’d rather stay here for now.”

“Okay...I’ll take those things,” Mac offered as she took his uniform with her. She smiled remembering his displeasure at having to undress and put on the hospital gown for his exam, and wasn’t mollified until they assured him he could keep his socks, boxers and t-shirt on under the hospital gown. She had stepped out as soon as he had started to unbutton his shirt and pull it out of his pants.

Mac was directed to the room that they were moving him too. She actually got there before he did and hung up his uniform. She was setting his cover on the shelf when he arrived in a wheelchair, shouting to the nurse.

“I can walk! I want to go home.”

“Sounds like he’s giving you a hard time,” Mac empathized with the nurse.

“Its nothing I can’t handle.”

“Let me see if I can help you a bit.” Mac touched Harm’s face forcing him to look at her. When he looked at her she pointed to her lips and gestured for him to be quiet. He nodded and watched Mac. “Harm, I called the Admiral and Mattie.”

“Mac, I got to call the Admiral.”

“I did. All done.” She said pointing to her self, gesturing with her thumb and pinkie like it was a phone.

“I don’t want Mattie to know...she’ll worry.”

“Too late - I called and left her a message.”

“I’ll call her...” Harm said until he saw Mac shaking her head no.

“Be good for the nurse.”

“What?”

“Be good.”

“Good?”

“Yes.” Mac nodded.

“You’re telling me to be good?”

“Yes.” Mac nodded again and then pointed to the nurse and pretended to prepare a needle and then pointed at Harm.

“Or you’ll tell her to give me a shot...figures you’d be mean to me.” Harm grumped.

“I’ll see you later,” Mac gestured to Harm until he repeated what she said correctly and then nodded his understanding. “Good luck nurse. I’ll get his daughter here to see him later.”

As Mac walked across the parking lot her cell phone rang. “Colonel Mackenzie.”

“It’s Mattie...where is he? What happened? I want to see him?”

“Relax Mattie. You’re still at school?”

“Yes. It’s my lunch period.”

“Okay. Can you come outside?”

“Yes...we have an open campus.”

“Meet me at the picnic tables in front of your school, okay?” Mac asked her as she slipped into her car and drove toward Mattie’s school. In ten minutes she parked out front and saw Mattie come flying out the door to her.

“What happened?”

“His car battery blew up. He was very lucky. The acid could have burned his eyes or face, but it didn’t. The explosion inside that small space, caused a kind of concussion. It’s temporarily damaged his hearing and he is having some problems with his balance. They think his hearing will be back to normal in a few days. Until then, he’s hollering a lot and we’ll have to write stuff for him. I’m going over to his place to pack him some things. I know the Admiral will send some of the crew over to see him and he’s not happy with the hospital attire.”

“I bet. Mac?”

“Yeah?”

“He’s really going to be okay?”

“I think so.”

“Do you think he’ll let us take care of him for a change?” Mattie asked.

“You know Harm, Mattie. He’s right there helping everyone else...we’ll have to see how he does accepting help this time. Look, why don’t you go back to class. What time are you done?”

“I can leave at two-forty...but...I’m suppose to stay for volleyball practice. That gets over at four thirty.”

“Perfect. You go do what you would normally do and I’ll pick you up after practice and take you over to see Harm.”

“Thanks Mac.”

“No problem, Mattie.”

Mac’s plans didn’t work out exactly as she had hoped. She did manage to drop off some of Harm’s own clothes while he slept, but then everything starting to fall apart. The Admiral informed her that Bud would be replacing Harm on the case, and they needed to meet immediately. Mac made it back to JAG Headquarters , met with Bud, and then just as she picked up Mattie on time, got a call saying she needed to meet Bud at the bank.

“Mattie, I’m going to have to drop you off and then run back for a meeting. I’ll be back to get you later.”

“I can stay at the hospital with him tonight Mac.”

“I don’t think they’ll let you and that certainly won’t set well with Harm. You stay with him for now, and I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Mac promised the teenager.

PART 3

2035 Local

Harm’s Hospital Room

Between the little white board, gestures, and lip reading Mattie was able to communicate with Harm. He constantly shouted as if everyone else had the hearing problem instead of him. Mattie threatened to tie something around his mouth if he didn’t stop.

“You’re hurting my ears Harm,” Mattie complained with a grin.

“It’s the only way I can hear myself,” Harm admitted.

“But it hurts us,” Mattie insisted.

Harm looked bereft and then attempted to speak more quietly, “I’m trying Mattie.”

Mattie felt so bad seeing the lonely look on his face that she let it go.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you feeling sorry for me now?”

“Maybe a little.”

“What?”

“I said...” Mattie shook her head and grabbed the board and wrote ‘a little’.

“Where’d Mac go?” Harm asked.

“I’m right here,” Mac admitted as she walked through the door with a smile.

“Mac! Thanks for everything today. Bringing Mattie here and then coming to get her in between everything else....Thanks.” Harm said, his voice still booming.

“Your welcome...but I think you should lower your voice...can’t be good for your throat.”

“What?”

“Don’t even try, Mac. I’ve already done this with him and so did Sturgis and Jen. He did admit to me that he can hear himself when he talks that loud.”

“Are you two talking about me? Don’t talk about me.”

“Harm, you’re sounding paranoid.” Mac told him as she wrote on the board. ‘U paranoid?’

“Am not!”

Mac and Mattie both nodded and grinned at him. Harm wasn’t sure he liked them ganging up on him, but the smiles they beamed at him warmed him from the inside out. If the truth was known, he ached all over and wanted to go to sleep again. He also didn’t want anyone worrying about him...and yet it felt good to know someone cared. He saw Mac say something to Mattie and Mattie nod before she came closer to him. Her arms reached for him and his heart swelled as she hugged him tight. No matter what, this little girl needed him to get better and he wasn’t going to let her down.

For an instant he thought Mac would hug him too. He wanted to feel her arms around him, smell the scent of her hair and the lotion on her skin. He wanted her to be all woman in his arms so he could be all male in hers. But she didn’t reach for him nor he for her. They exchanged smiles and nods and then she walked away. He closed his eyes to keep back those disturbing hidden emotions and allow sleep to claim him.

2150 Local

Mattie and Jen’s Apartment

North of Union Station

“Jen? I’m home...Colonel Mackenzie’s with me,” Mattie announced as she returned to the apartment next to Harm’s that she shared with Jennifer Coates.

Jen, wearing her pajamas, joined Mac and Mattie in their living room area picking up a couple of magazines that had been left open and a dirty glass. “Sorry for the mess Ma’am,” Coates apologized needlessly. “How’s Commander Rabb?”

“Sleeping and getting hoarse from shouting,” Mac told her.

“Commander Turner and I couldn’t keep him quiet...even with the white board,” admitted Jen.

“I couldn’t either even threatening to put a gag on him,” Mattie shared.

“How long do they think it will be before his hearing returns?” Jen asked.

“They are hopeful that it will slowly return and that he should be able to at least hear himself tomorrow.”

“Good, maybe he’ll quiet down some,” Mattie expressed as she rolled her eyes.

“They did tell me they are a little worried about the vertigo. It could be a sign of something worse,” admitted Mac.

“When will they know?”

Shrugging her shoulders, “Depends on how soon he shakes it and the severity,” Mac continued.

“Why don’t they ever have an answer for you when you need it?” Mattie demanded before entering her bedroom and slamming the door.

“Uh-oh....teenager on overload and over tired, Ma’am. Not a pretty picture I’m afraid.”

“Will you two be okay?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Thanks for checking.”

Mac let herself out of their apartment. She paused as she passed Harm’s loft. She thought about all that could have happened to Harm when the battery exploded. A sudden urged to be close to him filled her. As if she was controlled by a force greater then her own will, she let herself into Harm’s sanctuary and quietly made her way to his room. She could smell his scent and the need to be close to him drove her to lay down on his bed.

0430 Local

Harm’s Loft

North of Union Station

Mac hadn’t counted on falling asleep the way she had but when she woke up she realized she was on Harm’s bed. Once she had oriented herself, she felt better...more hopeful. While she couldn’t explain why, she just knew she felt peaceful for a change. It was almost as if she was suppose to be there.

Mac straightened the bed and used the bathroom. Her clothes were wrinkled, so she brushed then out as best she could. With one more look around, she let herself out of the apartment and took the stairs to the ground floor. The elevator tended to be noisy and Mac didn’t want to chance waking Mattie or Jen. Once in her car she headed home.

0500 Local

Harm’s Hospital Room

Harm woke up and looked around trying to get his bearings. The memory of the explosion and the reality of his lost hearing came back to him. He turned on the TV and tried to follow the news with the closed caption feature turned on. The nurse came running in and grabbed the remote from him, talking all the time. Harm could see her mouth moving, but heard nothing. He realized that she was probably scolding him for having the volume too loud. He had turned it up to test his hearing and to see if he could pick up any sounds. Nothing yet. Harm fought the depression that they told him tended to be caused by the frustration. He tried to close his eyes and go back to sleep but he couldn’t relax.

Harm remembered the dream he had before waking. He had imagined that Mac was at his side and that they were working through the things that were keeping them apart. Then suddenly everyone was trying to take her away from him. Sadik was trying to kill her; Webb was telling her he wanted her but walked away which made her cry; a General kept ordering her to suck it up and act like a Marine; while Mac repeated, ‘There can never be an us.’ He tried to figure out what the dream meant and eventually chalked it up to feeling so helpless at the moment. He tried to go back to sleep awhile longer.

1410 Local

Harm’s Loft

North of Union Station

After the doctor ran him through a serious of tests, he was deemed fit enough to go home. About the time they had brought his lunch, he realized that he could hear himself a little when he talked now. It was an encouraging sign. Harm had impatiently waited for a ride as the medical staff would not let him leave and take a taxi. Sturgis arrived at 1300 and now he was home, alone, and pacing the loft by hanging onto his furniture or the walls while he waited for Mattie to get home.

He knew Mattie had wanted to stay home from school, but with Mac’s help she had been convinced to go to school. As for after school activities Harm had relented and agreed she could miss those at least one day. He had agreed to it thinking Mattie needed to be assured that he was okay. Now as he waited for her, he wondered if he did it because he needed to be assured more then Mattie. This feeling of needing someone and being needed was new, and he discovered he liked it.

Harm caught a movement out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Mattie drop her back pack and fly to him. Her thin arms wrapped about his waist and the impact of her body against his almost toppled them both to the floor.

“I’m so glad you’re okay and you’re home.”

“What?” Harm hollered, although not quite as loud as yesterday in the hospital. Harm noticed Mac standing in the background when she held out a pad and pen to Mattie. He could see their lips moving but couldn’t hear what they were saying. It frustrated him not being able to follow a conversation.

“Thanks Mac...I forget he can’t hear until he hollers.”

“I know. I’ve got a white board in my office and I’ll send it home with Jen.”

“Thanks Mac.”

“Are you guys talking about me?”

“No.” Both heads turned back and forth telling him no while both mouths moved.

“He gets a little paranoid,” Mattie informed Mac.

“I can tell. Look I’ve got to go. Call me if you need anything. Sturgis said the doctor wants him to rest and let the fluids in his ear drain. It will improve his balance and his hearing.” Mac instructed Mattie.

“I’ll watch over him.”

“I know you will, Mattie...but he’s going to want time alone too. The doctor said it will exhaust him keeping up in his silent world.”

“I’ll go do my homework and try to get him to rest.”

“Good plan. Remember, call if you need anything.”

Mattie nodded and then grabbed the paper to write Harm a note as Mac went out the door. “You rest...Me homework.”

“No...do your homework here. I want to help.”

“Need to much stuff,” Mattie wrote. “I’ll be back for you to check it over.”

“Please work here.”

“Harm...the doctor wants you to rest.” Mattie spoke the words and forgot to write them down.

“What?”

“Sorry.” Mattie picked up the pen and wrote - U rest DR says

Harm made a face but headed toward his bedroom. He wobbled a little on his stairs while Mattie held her breath, but he made it. Mattie let herself out and headed for the apartment next door she shared with Jen.

Each day Harm’s hearing gradually improved. He hated the silence and as soon as he could pick up any sound, he had his music blaring. In the evening, Mattie helped prepare their dinner while Harm checked her homework. Jen would joint them to eat unless she had a class, and then they played charades, Scrabble, and other assorted board games. Harm had started to read lips enough so that he could usually figure out what they were saying to him.

Mac checked in every day with Mattie and Jen. She didn’t always come to see Harm. Things with her and Webb had cooled and she wasn’t sure where she wanted to see that relationship go. Part of her felt that it was because Webb was always gone. Next time she saw him, she wanted to make sure he understood what she expected out of their relationship if they were to have a chance. If he couldn’t agree to her demands, then she would cut him loose.

Harm had been home alone when she had stopped, his music blaring. She had told him that she now suspected that Sadik was there and he was toying with her. She reminded him of his prediction while they were in Paraguay - the one about Sadik coming after them. Mac now believed it to be true. As she explained it to Harm before Mattie could come in, he had commented on her premonitions coming true after he had tried to shrug them off. He was almost sarcastic, but not quite.

Mattie arrived with sandwiches and offered Mac to join them. Mac declined but asked Mattie to take care of Harm for her. Mattie had agreed before instructing Harm to eat.

“Not hungry.”

“Yes. Mattie says eat.” She glared at Harm and held out the plate of sandwiches to him. He raised his eyebrow. For a few seconds, Mattie thought Harm might pull rank on her. Instead he laughed and reached for a sandwich. This was what being a family was all about - taking care of each other.

As the day went on, Harm found he could hear a little more, that the vertigo still plagued him, but that he wasn’t as exhausted all the time. Talking on the phone was still a problem, although he could hear it ring. Mattie tried to stay nearby so that she could take the phone calls letting Harm know who was calling, what they needed, and when he should be able to get back to them.

He watched Mattie laughing and talking on the phone that had recently rung. He waited wondering if it was Mac...hoping it was Mac. They hadn’t heard from her for a couple of days and he was concerned. Not that he could do much to help her if she needed help...but he could talk to her...hear some of what she was thinking if she was here in person. He saw Mattie hang up the phone.

“Mac?”

“No...the Admiral. He asked if I had better luck with you then I did.” Mattie and the Admiral had gotten off to a rocky start but for the same reasons they had formed a bond of sorts and each respected the other and enjoyed sharing Harm stories.

“Wow...looked like you were both in good moods.”

“Of course...he may be bald and sometimes mean, but we understand each other.”

“You do?”

“Yeah...we both know how aggravating you can be at times...and how caring.”

Harm was touched, although he didn’t agree yet with her interpretation that the Admiral saw him as caring...the words he had used to dismiss Harm...and to bring him back...still stung a little. But the fact that Mattie realized he cared meant a lot. If he could only get Mac to understand.

“Were you expecting Mac to call?” Mattie asked him.

“What...oh yeah...I know she’s got some stuff things she’s dealing with. I hoped she would check in.”

“You want me to call her for you?” Mattie offered.

“NO!”

“Why not?”

“Because she might be busy.”

“You mean she might be seeing Webb?”

“What do you know about Webb?”

“Not much, just that she’s mentioned meeting him or that he cancelled a few times. You know Harm, I really wish you’d explain to me what the story is with you and Mac.”

“There is no story...and if there were I wouldn’t go there with you. What time is Jen coming over?”

“Changing the subject huh? Jen said she would be securing early today and should be here any minute. Scrabble this time?”

“That’s good. Did you get our dinner in the oven?” asked Harm going into Dad mode.

“Yes...I’ll let you off the hook this time Dad...but one of these days you will have to explain why two people that care about each as much as you and Mac aren’t together.”

1540 Local

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown

With Sadik’s voice echoing in her ear, she grabbed the phone and called Kershaw.

“It’s Mackenzie...Sadik called my house. He’s wants to meet me.”

“Where are you now?”

“My place. Sadik’s been here...Left me a diamond even.”

“Ready to set a trap?”

“Are you calling the shots?”

“Yes...but I’ll take any suggestions you have.”

“Let me hear your plan,” Mac instructed feeling herself rely on her Marine training to get her through this.

“Dress in something that will get his attention...maybe distract him. Challenge his principals. We’ll put a wire on you and stay as close as possible. See what you can get him to reveal. Word has it he can be goaded into saying more then he wants to at times.”

“Webb?”

“Out of the country. You’re on your own out there, but I promise you’ll we’ll be listening and come in on your command.”

“Can we put a guard on Harm?”

“Sadik is after you. Why waste a man on Rabb?”

“They already tried to get him once.”

“No...they didn’t want to kill him...just keep him out of the picture so he could get to you. He probably figures that Webb is dead and Gunny doesn’t count in his book. Rabb didn’t embarrass him the way you did...not breaking...getting away...and then going after his funding source.”

“Alright. Where do you want me to meet you and when?”

“One hour, mobile center on the mall. I’ll watch for you. Come alone.”

Mac showered and dressed in a white suit she had bought to where for Easter dinner with the Roberts clan. It was white with pintucks on the bodice and sheer sleeves. It showed a little cleavage but appeared quite modest and almost virginal at first sight. However, striking a pose the cleavage became for revealing and the little pearl buttons holding the top closed became an invitation in themselves. When Harriet and informed her that they had invited Mattie and Harm to join them, Mac had thought it would be a great chance to torment the man a little. She had told him never but in recent weeks, she was beginning to rethink her statement.

Once dressed with her make-up done to create a dramatic effect, Mac put on her off white coat and scarf. The damp air, wind, and cool evening temperatures required it. Not only that, she needed to see Harm again before she faced Sadik. His instincts were good and she wanted - needed - to run this operation by him before she confronted Sadik. If he had doubts - or she did - after talking to Harm, she would call it. She planned to tell Kershaw that up front whether he liked it or not.

1740 Local

Harm’s Loft

North of Union Station

“I’ll get it!”

“Get what?” Harm asked puzzled as Mattie jumped up from the table where they were playing scrabble waiting for dinner to finish cooking.

“Hey Mac...”

“Hi Mattie...Harm here.”

“Yeah...come on in.”

“Jen, I need to talk to Harm alone.”

“Yes Ma’am...come on Mattie.” Jen and Mattie headed back to their places while Mac approached Harm, not sure how much he could hear yet.

“What’s up?”

“I was right. Sadik’s here in DC. Did you hear that?”

“Yeah, I heard you. Are you sure?”

“He called me at my house two hours ago and he killed Van Dyne.” Mac handed Harm some pictures Kershaw had just given her of what Sadik might look like. He had a variety of disguises on in them.

“Where’d you get there?”

“CIA”

“Are they on him?”

“They will be.”

“Well, what do you want me to do?” Harm asked as he sat down, his balance wobbling just a bit despite the rapid improvement in his hearing through out the day.

“Be careful. He may not look like any of those pictures.”

“You’re the one that needs to be careful, Mac.”

“Believe me...I am.”

“He knows your phone number. He knows where you live.”

Mac sat in the chair Mattie had been using. “I have this creepy feeling he’s studying me.”

“He wants to get you on your own. He’s daring you to get closer to him.”

“But why would he do that?” Mac wanted to hear Harm’s theory on this. He at least knew how a man thought, even if he couldn’t figure her out...although lately he seemed to be hitting pretty close on that too. “It doesn’t make sense to me.”

“He’s seducing you.”

“What?” Harm using the word seducing in a sentence directed at her, gave her a moments pause despite the seriousness of the situation she must soon face. One part of her wanted him to take her in his arms and just hold her and the other part wanted him to kick her out so she could get pissed off enough to do the job required of her. She realized that Harm was talking, explaining what he meant.

“He’s forced you to think about him. He wants something from you, Mac...and he may just have found your weakness.”

“What weakness?” She didn’t need him to give her doubts now.

“You want to know what he’s up to...so that way he uses your intelligence against you.” Harm watched Mac get out of the chair and tighten her coat at her neck. “Where you going now Mac? I’m coming with you.” Harm wobbled again as he moved to follow her.

“You can’t help Harm. Frankly, you’re still a liability.”

Harm knew that she was right. All he could do was say some prayers. “Be careful...” he said as she let herself out and he seated himself back in his chair.

Outside the loft, Mac leaned against the door for a second to focus herself. She tapped on Mattie and Jen’s door to let them know they should go back with Harm, but left before they opened it.

“Was that Mac leaving?” Mattie asked.

“I think so. I think she wants us to go back over now.”

“She doesn’t want Harm left alone...does she?” Mattie asked turning worried eyes to her adopted big sister.

“I don’t think so. Ready?”

“Yeah...our dinner should be ready. I hope Harm’s no so upset that he can’t eat.”

By the time the girls rejoined Harm, he had set the table and was getting the casserole out of the oven. He did everything he could to make things appear normal. He didn’t want the girls worrying about him or Mac. He was worrying enough for all of them.

1930 Local

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station

Jen had left for her class after dinner. Harm was checking Mattie’s homework while Mattie did the dishes. He loved hearing the shrinking of the plates and glasses with the silverware. It was a sound he hadn’t been able to hear at lunch time, but now it made him smile.

When the phone rang he didn’t even hesitate to pick it up. It was Bud. He could hear his voice clearly on the line and knew that despite a little dizziness when he moved too quickly he was ready to return to work. The dizziness might even be gone by morning. What Harm didn’t see was the dejected look on Mattie’s face when she realized that Harm’s hearing was back. He would be returning to work and he wouldn’t need her the same anymore. She had loved being able to do things for him. Now he was healthy again, he wouldn’t let her take care of him anymore.

2140 Local

Middle East Settlement

Washington DC

Mac had paused to look in the mirror and tell herself she wasn’t sorry for killing Sadik. He had come close to killing Webb and her in the Chaco Boreal and he had killed the missionary couple. He had hurt Harm by making the battery blow up. She saw the blood on her lip, felt the bruises forming on her body - her hip and shoulder were sore - and her new dress was torn. Mac felt like a fire was pumping through her body as she walked away from the scene.

One of Kershaw’s men met her and took her statement in the mobile unit that had been moved closer to the site. She wanted to leave but they wouldn’t let her use her car until they had checked it out and made sure it was safe. She gave them the address where she wanted to be dropped and where one of their men would bring her car within the hour. It was an alley north of union station.

PART 4

2250 Local

Harm’s Loft

North of Union Station

Mattie had left twenty minutes ago when Jen got home. They were splurging on hot fudge sundaes before they went to bed. Harm declined the offer to join them. He needed to be alone. He couldn’t keep up the appearance of not having a care in the world any more. He was worried about Mac. He had tried to call her cell and it was off. He left a message on her voice mail.

“Mac...I’m worried about you. Stop by or call...I’ll be able to talk to you on the phone...my hearing’s returned - mostly. I’d rather see for myself that you’re okay. If you need to vent - debrief - whatever...I’m here.”

Three laps around the apartment and he heard a knock on his door. Pulling the door open he spotted Mac. He took in the bruised lip, the torment in her eyes, the unspoken need he knew all too well. He pulled her into the room and shut the door, before turning to take her in his arms without a word.

This wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about control. It was about being with another human being and being glad to be alive. Neither of them spoke as they held on to each other. Mac’s face pressed against his chest. Harm’s faced rest on her hair. Mac’s arms wrapped around his waist. Harm’s arms wrapped around her creating a shelter to protect her and keep her close.

Harm wasn’t sure how long they stood like that before Mac began to ease away from him. He let her go although he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

“Let me take your coat Mac. You want coffee...tea...water...?”

“I want a drink but I won’t have one...tea would be good.” She unbuttoned her coat and Harm took it to hang it up before noticing the torn sleeve.

“Mac - what happened?”

Looking at the torn sleeve, Mac shrugged and then had a sudden urge to shower. “I’ve got to go home...I need a shower.” Her voice was barely more then a whisper, but Harm either knew or heard her. She wasn’t sure which it was.

“Mac...don’t go. Go take a shower here....Mattie left her laundry here earlier...she’s got sweatpants you can wear...and I’ve got a shirt that will fit. I’ll get the tea and then we’ll talk.”

Mac nodded and made her way to the bathroom. Harm put the kettle on, before pulling out the clothes for Mac to wear and laying them on his bed. “Mac, there are clean towels on the shelf over the toilet.”

“I see them. Thanks.”

“The clean clothes are on my bed.”

“Okay.”

“Herbal or regular.”

“Herbal’s good.”

Harm set the cinnamon spice tea to steep and put some cookies on a plate when he heard the shower shut off. He and Mattie had made the cookies together.

“Table of sofa?” Harm asked as Mac came down the steps looking soft and cuddly in Mattie’s sweat pants and his long sleeved t-shirt.

“Sofa, please.”

Harm let Mac settle on his couch with her feet curled up under her. He handed her the tea and set the cookies on the coffee table before stepping past her and sitting on the other end of the couch turned to face her.

“I won’t push you Mac...but when you’re ready, I’ll listen. I’d like to know what you faced.”

“I know...but there’s a lot I can’t tell you.”

“I know...CIA...Did they give you the back up you needed?”

“Yes...Sadik’s dead.”

“They got him?”

“I did.”

“Oh Mac...”

“Don’t Harm...I’ll probably fall apart if you give me sympathy.”

“If you do, its because you need to deal with this.”

“You don’t know what I need remember?” Mac asked Harm, her biting sarcasm escaping before she could stop it. “I’m sorry.”

“I know...its okay. This is what happened to us in Paraguay Mac. I understand it now.”

“What do you mean Harm?”

“Remember when I found you?”

“Yes...I was so relieved, but I couldn’t take the time to relax and show you or tell you that right then. After the plane went down...and I shot at you in the truck...I was disoriented and reeling from the reality that I could have killed you. My vision was blurred because of a concussion...I was still trying to accept that I had needed to kill men with my bare hands to get you to safety...and neither of us took the time to just let those emotions out and deal with them...so we got nasty with each other. My jealousy was out of control and it made it worse...I’m sorry.”

“So you’re saying that I should just fall apart and everything will be okay? I don’t think so Harm.”

“Tell me what you can. I can probably fill in the blanks.”

So Mac started telling Harm the story of what had happened with Sadik. She left some of it out, but not the part about being weak or an infidel or a whore. She could see the anger in Harm’s face.

“I killed him Harm. I shot him in the shoulder thinking if I disabled him it would be enough. I knew the back up troops were on their way in...but then I had the image in my head of what he put Clay through and that he had killed those missionaries and I shot him again...in the head.”

“Your dress was ripped and your lip is bruised...I’d say you left the part out about the hand to hand combat. Am I right?”

“Yes.”

“Mac...did he...rape you?”

“No...I was dirty...not pure enough for his touch...”

“Mac he was trying to put you down...make himself feel better. Don’t let him win. You are a strong, intelligent woman, and you have so much to offer and contribute to life. You don’t need a man or anyone to think for you...but I must admit I find myself wanting to protect you at times even though I don’t need to. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Your hero complex at work I guess” Mac shrugged and then shivered.

“You’re cold...come here.” Harm reached for the throw on the back of the sofa and held it open for her to move into. “Let me hold you and warm you up a little.”

“Harm, I’m sorry I said you would be a liability.” Mac spoke as she moved into his offered warmth.

“You were right. You usually are.” Harm settled her back against his chest and rested his chin on the top of her head, his arms loosely holding her. He didn’t want her to feel trapped, just safe.

“I’m glad we’re talking again...and we’ve got our friendship back.”

“Me too. Mattie’s been asking me about us.”

“What have you told her?”

“That we’ve know each other a long time. That we have our ups and downs but that we care about each other...and that I’m trying to rebuild our friendship.”

“We’re trying to build our friendship,” Mac corrected him.

“We are.”

They fell silent then, just needing to be close and feel safe.

0512 Local

Harm’s Loft

North of Union Station

Harm woke first feeling a pressure on his chest. A little alarmed at first, he opened his eyes and then remembered where he was and what the pressure was. He had somehow stretched out on the sofa during the night and Mac was laying on his chest, his arms still loosely around her only resting at her waist, just above the swell of her six. She had turned over in the night and her breasts were pressed against his chest, her arms circling his neck. He groaned as he felt his body react to her closeness.

“Mac?”

“Mmmm...?”

“Wake up...we need to get ready for work.”

“Harm? What...oh...”

Harm knew when she had woken up enough to realize where they were and what had happened. She had looked around and slid her hands down his chest. Hopefully she would sit up and move off him without realizing what he wanted to happen about now. He was mesmerized by her gracefulness as she swung her legs around and sat up on his thighs before standing up, leaving the throw draped over him and mercifully hiding his condition in the folds of the material.

“Thanks for letting me crash here...I didn’t mean to use you for a pillow.”

“If I had thought you’d stay the night I would have suggested the comfortable bed up there. You okay?”

“Yeah...I’m going to change and then go home. See you at JAG.”

“Mac...wear what you’ve got on. Don’t put your torn clothes on...don’t wear those reminders.”

“Ok - thanks. You’re back alright?” Mac asked as he swung his feet to the floor and stood up holding the throw in front of himself still.

“Its fine. You want anything to eat or drink before you leave?”

“No...I’m good...I’ll see you later.”

“Mac...wait...you’re probably going to find being alone tough for awhile. Come over here anytime...Mattie and Jen would love to have you help them gang up on me...and I really could use the adult company in the evening.”

“Thanks...we’ll see okay?”

“You still seeing Webb?”

“I haven’t told him I won’t see him yet.”

“We’re just friends, so it shouldn’t matter, right?” Harm asked as his heart bled a little more for what he wished they had.

Mac didn’t answer, but scooped up her things and headed for the door. She had to get away from Harm right now. She couldn’t handle his rejection right now...not again. She had felt his erection when she had woken up, but he hadn’t let on. He obviously didn’t want her...not like she wanted him. And if he didn’t want her then she would turn to someone that did want her. Clay had been trying to get her to agree to move their relationship to the next level for months. If he tried again, she would agree.

0845 Local

Conference Room

JAG Headquarters

It hadn’t taken Harm long to realize that Mac was trying to keep him at a distance again. Her responses had been sharp, her sense of humor absent...he sighed knowing that holding her last night had not been enough. She needed to talk to someone about all that had gone down and she needed time to work through what had happened. At least she should be safe now.

Admiral Chegwidden watched Mac and he watched Harm watching Mac. Kershaw had called him to tell him what had gone down, but that didn’t explain the distance that was once again between his two senior attorneys. Since Harm had returned to JAG after his stint with the CIA, he had made every effort to play nice with his colleagues. Harm had matured into the man that he had always felt lurked below the surface. Unfortunately he still had a habit of saying the wrong things sometimes, or not saying anything when he should say something...but it wasn’t done out of malice, just cluelessness. This little set back worried him.

“Colonel Mackenzie meet Commander Rabb and myself in my office in ten minutes.”