Title: No Doubts
Author: Hollyjp
Summary: This is a ‘short’ follow up to last weeks episode, ‘Bridging the Gulf.’
Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.
NO DOUBTS
1810 Local
Mac’s Apartment
Georgetown
Harm stood outside Sarah Mackenzie’s door still debating with himself if he should have called first, take his chances and knock on her door, or just go home. HE had no idea how long he stood there staring at the door when it opened.
“Harm? Why are you just standing there? Are you okay?” Mac asked as she reached for his sleeve and tugged trying to get him to step into the apartment.
“I don’t know Mac...maybe I shouldn’t have come over.”
“Harm come in. Tell me what’s wrong...is the murder charge?”
“You heard?”
“I was in Creswell’s office when Sturgis called. After he hung up he said that you were being charged with negligent homicide and then abruptly changed the subject. Sturgis came back a few days later without you and no one was talking. I asked Sturgis what was going on and he gave me some sarcastic answer like ‘ask teflon the wonderman’ or something. Were you cleared?”
“Yes, I was cleared of homicide and I know why they had to investigate it the way they did. That isn’t what’s eating at me.” Harm told her as he realized that she had somehow gotten him in her apartment, his jacket was off of him and he was sitting on her couch with her next to him.
“What is then?”
“I got into an altercation with Sturgis.”
“Did you hit him?”
“No...not quite...it was mostly verbal...he didn’t want to get into it but I pushed the issue.”
“What were you fighting over?” Mac asked gently as she smoothed the fabric on his long sleeve peanutbutter uniform.
“Everything - nothing...I don’t know Mac...Sturgis and I have always had a friendly competition when we were in the same squad at Annapolis until now. He’s always done the right thing, said the right thing, for the most part and you know me...I’ve run on emotions forever.”
“You’ve been doing better about that Harm.”
“Yeah...and I kept in some of the animosity I was feeling toward Sturgis...I thought. Ever sense he came to JAG Headquarters there’s been something not quite right. I know he didn’t feel like he fit in at first because we didn’t do things cut and dried like he was use to. We tried to renew our ‘friendly competition’ of our youth, but I kept feeling like he was looking at me like I was...I don’t know...lacking. The worse part of it is, his motives aren’t bad usually, or at least they never were, but he does things in such a way that the person he’s ‘helping’ ends up feeling...”
“Unworthy?”
“Yeah...maybe...its like he makes them feel worse about themselves for not being able to do it without him. Instead of saying things as a joke, they end up being a barb.”
“I know...we’ve all done it though Harm.”
“Yes we have. And when we realized what we’ve done or said didn’t come out right, we apologize and try to make amends...don’t we?” Harm asked.
“Yes.”
“He doesn’t. He sees it as a weakness in others. I don’t know Mac...I just haven’t liked the way he’s gone about things - how he’s treated you and Bud. I thought that when he was accused of prejudice and we rallied around him, that it would help but I actually think he got worse. Moving out of the office I use to have and returning to his ‘hole’ seems on the surface to be a noble gesture. I think he really felt it would make up for the way he treated us.”
“You didn’t care about the office though did you?”
“It’s a nice office and it feels like home...but I would much rather have had him acknowledge to my face that he had ruffled feathers or not handled things as well as he could have with us.” Harm signed and leaned back against the couch. “I’m sorry Mac. I shouldn’t have come here and dumped my problems on you.”
“Why not? We’re friends aren’t we?”
“Yes...but you’ve come to me before and I’ve been busy or put you off, but you were right here almost like you were waiting for me.”
“I was...I think,” Mac admitted. “But then I often do wait and hope you’ll stop by.”
“You do?” Harm asked as he looked at Mac and reached his hand up to rest it on her shoulder.
“Yes.”
“Why don’t you ever say anything?”
“Like what?” Mac asked.
“Like, ‘Hey Harm, why don’t you stop by when you get back’ or maybe, ‘I miss you when you’re gone.’
“I do you know...miss you when you’re gone.”
“Mac, I’m here. I’m waiting for you to tell me what you want. I don’t want to push...I don’t want to beg...I’ve been waiting for you to tell me something like what you just said.” Harm watched her relax and sit back next to him. Her head rested on his shoulder, near his chin. His arm was behind her now, and he curved it around her waist holding her loosely in the curve of his arm. He heard her sigh and thought his heart would explode in tiny pieces from the joy having her near him like this was bringing.
“Harm...do you think we’ve gone to far working ‘outside the box’ lately?”
“No. Why do you ask?”
“Creswell brought on this new guy and I’ve been assigned to train him. I don’t like him...I don’t trust him...yet there’s something about him that reminds me of you when we first met.”
“Arrogant, cocky, know it all...”
“Yes...but where you were bent on finding the truth and serving justice, this guy will do anything to win I’m afraid. I’ve already warned him that I haven’t seen anything from him that I can’t handle and I told him I would put him in front of an ethics committee if I saw any more stunts like what he pulled on this case. He starts to leave and then comes back and tells me I won’t because I like what he did!”
“And did you?”
“I guess at some level...but I still thing it was crossing the line.”
“Tell me what he did.”
“He brought in an actor to pretend to be the dead lieutenants father and had him read a letter that was supposedly written two days before he died. What he put in there was the truth as it turned out, and he didn’t put the guy on the stand. The guy we were defending owned up to the fact he had been following an order after he heard about the letter from this ‘father’ but part of me thinks what Vukovic did was coercion which is illegal.”
“Yes, it is. Do you feel that you got to the truth?” Harm asked her.
“Yes.”
“But you don’t like the way he did it. How was it different from stuff we’ve done?”
“He lied...he said it was the guys father. We’ve never lied!” Mac sat up turning to face Harm, with one had resting against his chest. “When I told Creswell I had concerns he said the guy had a ‘fire in his belly’ and I should ‘work with him.’ I don’t want to, Harm.”
“I know. Mac, I’ve done a lot of thinking this past year -almost two years actually. I’m close to having my twenty years in and I can’t stop thinking about the old guy that I helped when I came back to JAG. He said he was alone because he never got around to doing anything with his life. I’m a lot like him.”
“No you aren’t Harm,” Mac objected as she lay back against him.
“Mac, when I left the Navy, I had nothing...until I found Mattie. I went back to the Navy because it’s all I knew and because I knew it was the only way I could really help Mattie. Now she’s back with her father and I’ll never regret that no matter how much I miss her.”
“But?”
“It’s not enough Mac. I watch Bud and Harriet with their family and even though Harriet and her mother have their problems and Bud and his father have their problems, when there is a problem outside of the family they have each other. Have I destroyed that with my own family? Have I destroyed any chance with you because I’ve been careless and cruel with my words and acted like a jealous idiot when you didn’t feel about me the way I feel about you?”
Mac could hear his heart thudding beneath her ear. She slid her arm around his waist and the other one behind his back. She locked her hands around her own wrists as they circled him. Her action drew her tighter to his body.
“Harm, you have not destroyed anything. Things may have been a bit battered and bruised at times, but we’ve both contributed to that. We’ve both been afraid to take the plunge because we know it would result in big changes for us. Neither of us likes change that much, but we deal with it when we have to.”
“Losing you isn’t a change I can deal with, Mac. I also can’t keep quiet much longer.”
“About?” Mac asked hesitantly, but not letting her hold on him loosen.
“My feelings for you...what I want...”
“Tell me, Harm. Tell me now.” Harm lifted her face and looked into her eyes.
“I love you, Sarah ‘Mac’ Mackenzie. I want to marry you and have a life with you. I want to watch you excel in your career and want to hold on to hope that we can have a miracle so I can watch you grow large carrying my baby...and I want you to love me the same way I love you.”
Harm watched the tears fill her eyes and felt her trying to hide her face against him. He didn’t let go of her face as he studied it and watched the emotions in her eyes. He saw the surprise she felt at hearing his declaration of love. He saw the amazement she felt when he stated his intentions. He saw the wonder as he told her he wanted her to excel in her career. He read her anguish when he brought up the baby that might never be. And he saw her fear when he demanded that she love him the way he loved her.
“Talk to me Mac...don’t run...don’t hide...talk to me...if you need more time...if you don’t feel the same...I can deal with it...I can’t deal with not knowing anymore. Please?” he pleaded.
“I do love you Harm...and I do want to marry you...and I’ll know you’ll never hold me back in my career...you, more then anyone know how much I need your optimism and I would be so proud and honored to be able to give you a baby...” her voice trailed off.
“But?” he encouraged her.
“What if I don’t love you enough, Harm? I didn’t love Chris enough and never should have married him. I didn’t love Mic enough to be able to go through with the wedding. I didn’t love Clay enough to be able to play by the rules. What if I don’t love you enough? I’ve pushed you away so many times...I’ve gone to other men instead of waiting for you...”
“Its always a gamble Mac. You know what?”
“Not any more I guess,” she answered with a hint of a smile.
“We’ve never even tried to move this relationship beyond friendship - with a few isolated kisses we never explored the physical aspects of a relationship. Would you do something for me...for us?” Harm asked.
“Yes, if I can.”
“Do you trust me to keep my promises to you?”
“Yes.”
“Then I will promise to commit myself to you and you alone if you will promise to date me exclusively until you inform me that you no longer want to be in an exclusive relationship with me. At that time I’ll release you from the relationship so you can get on with your life.”
Harm watched as Mac nodded her head. He lowered his head then and kissed her. He explored her lips with his and then felt her lips part for him. Macs hands released and slid up his chest and around his neck. She turned and her body lay on top of his. As their kiss deepened and the passion grew there was no doubt in her mind as to the physical reaction he had to her body and her kisses. The power he gave her with that knowledge was heady and precious at the same time.
There was no doubt in her mind that she wanted all that he offered. In time she hoped she would feel worthy to accept it. His kisses certainly made her feel worthy. If the sensation remained even when they were not together, then she would know she could give him the same level of commitment he had pledged to her. It was what she wanted more then anything.
THE END