Title: OPTIONS
Author: Hollyjp
Summary: Harm and Mac consider there options about each other and their future.
Spoilers: Everything through Season 9 and Spoilers for Season 10.
Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.
CHAPTER 1
August 31, 2004
1940 Local
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm watched Mac as she finished wiping the counter beside him and he started the dishwasher. She looked up to see him watching her. He smiled and turned to lean against the counter his long legs clad in cut off shorts stretched out before him. His bare feet crossed at the ankles.
“What? Harm you drive me nuts when you do this?” Mac put the cloth away and turned to see him watching her, smiling like he knew a secret.
“Do I?”
“Yes...”
“Do I still give you nightmares?”
“What are you talking about, Harm?”
“You said one time that you didn’t want to know about some of my more dangerous missions until afterwards...and I asked if I gave you nightmares. You didn’t really answer me then either...you never do.”
“I answer you...most of the time.”
“Mac you evade questions when you might have to risk personal feelings to answer them. I’ve done the same things for years. I learned to get past a lot of that when Mattie was with me. It’s amazing how the responsibility of a teenager can change you perspectives and approach to so many things.”
“Alright, then why are you standing there watching me and smiling like you have a secret?” Mac asked as she stood nearby in the small kitchen.
“Is that what I’m doing?”
“Isn’t it?”
“I guess it looks that way. Want to know what I’m really doing?”
“Yes.”
“I’m standing her thinking about how much I enjoy evenings like these with you. We aren’t doing anything special, just spending time together but because you are here and you seem...content to be here...it makes it feel special. I was also thinking about how much more rested and together you seem compared to what you were like last May.”
“Oh...I am feeling better. I’ve always enjoyed spending time with you here, so I guess that shouldn’t seem to surprising.”
“I didn’t say it was surprising...I said special...and you do seem to be content. Is it the food I fed you or the company?”
“Some of both I guess...I am glad we seem to have gotten our friendship back.”
“Have you thought anymore about what I said last May - at the Dining Out?” Harm asked thinking back to the Admiral’s retirement party and there conversation on the porch.
“I think about it a lot. Harm, you know that the chances of me having a baby now are not good...I mean it’s not impossible, but there’s only about a twenty percent chance and that goes down some each month it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to hold you to a promise when I may not be able to keep up my end of the deal.” Mac fought to keep the tears under control. Harm was right. She had been feeling content and relaxed, just glad that they had their friendship again. As long as she had that, then Harm was in her life and she knew that she could make it. At the same time Harm deserved to be a father...and Mac knew that she had to keep some distance between them so that he would not loose that chance.
“Mac, it’s not just about having a baby...it’s having you in my life too. We can look at adoption, foster care, all kinds of things if we want to have children around and you aren’t able to have them.”
“I am in your life Harm, forever as your best friend.”
“Is that all you want?”
“It’s all I expect.”
“Alright, if I promise to keep an open mind about single women I meet for the next few months, will you keep an open mind about the other options we have?”
“Yes.”
“Good...then let’s go watch the movie.” Harm took her hand and led her to the sofa, having put the DVD in earlier so it would be ready. “Have a seat.”
“Who’s turn to be the pillow?” Mac asked before sitting down.
“Mine.” Harm sat on the end of the sofa and Mac sat in the middle before turning to lower her head to his thigh and stretch her feet out on the sofa. They had discovered during the summer that they both enjoyed playing pillow and having a pillow, so they had good naturedly agreed to take turns.
Harm smiled as Mac wiggled to get comfortable. “You’ve been running more this summer haven’t you?” asked Mac.
“Yeah...some. Why?”
“Your thighs are even harder then I remember.” Mac complained.
Harm reached behind him and put a small toss pillow under her head where it rested on his leg. “Better?”
“Yes, thank you.”
Little did Mac know that the pillow served two purposes. It hid his lap a little so that it was less obvious that her closeness effected him and it made Mac more comfortable. Once settled Harm started the movie. It was a new release full of action, thrills, and romance.
2215 Local
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
The movie ended and Harm realized that Mac had fallen asleep. He carefully moved her onto her back and into his arms. She stirred, but stayed asleep. Lowering his face he placed a light kiss on her forehead and watched her sleep. There had been many nights during the summer that he had done the same thing. During her surgery and recuperation Harm had been by her side. She was vulnerable during that time and at first she fought against letting him she her like that.
Flashback to June
Naval Medical Center
Bethesda, Maryland
She had woken up in the hospital and found him crying silently at her bedside. She had asked him what was wrong and he had looked her in the eye and said, “My life sucks at the moment and I was feeling sorry for myself.” He had tried to smile at her then, but had failed miserably.
“Why do you feel like that Harm?” Mac had quietly asked while holding his big hand in her smaller one.
“Because Mattie’s gone back to her father and I’m alone with no one that needs me; Jen is moving out into another apartment she can afford and the whole place seems quiet and empty; and my best friend is going through hell and she doesn’t trust me enough to let me in.”
“I trust you...it’s just...”
“I know Mac, and I shouldn’t be placing more on you right now...it’s just I want to be there for you but you make it pretty hard to do that.”
“Clay use to tell me the same thing.”
“Why, Mac? Why do you demand the impossible for the people that care about you?”
“To test them maybe?”
“I thought after eight years I would have been able to prove to you that I don’t think less of you when you have a weak moment. I have them and you’ve seen me fall apart. Why do you try to keep me out when all I want to do is be there for you?”
“I don’t know Harm...that’s why I think I’m going to need to get some help sorting out my life after all. I do know one thing...”
“What’s that?”
“I’m glad you’re here. Every time I wake up I feel your hand in mine and I wake up and see you smiling at me like I’m going to be okay.”
“Accept this time...”
“Yes...accept this time. I guess I don’t do real well thanking people when they go the extra mile for me. I owe you a lot.”
“No you don’t Mac.”
“Yes. I do. I never thanked you for throwing it all away to come find me in Paraguay. I had wanted to prove to you and Webb and even the Admiral that I could take on the challenge and come out on top. Instead I almost got us all killed.”
“Because you went back for Gunny.”
“Yes.”
“Mac you’re a Marine and Marines don’t leave Marines behind.”
“I know but still...”
“I rescued you instead of you coming home triumphant.”
“Yes...and then I left you in the airplane and never thought about how disoriented you would be...besides I saw my chance to rescue you.”
“Mac, just having you in my life rescues me. You’ve rescued me more times then I can count. I wanted to do the same for you.”
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t stand the thought of you in danger.”
“My dreams in danger now Harm.”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember I told you that the doctor said I needed to have this surgery if there was ever going to be a chance that I might have a child.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Well, when she came in last night, we talked.”
“And...”
“They considered the surgery successful, but the fallopian tubes are still very scarred and while I could still have a baby, the tissue will come back in time and there’s less then a fifty percent chance I could get pregnant.”
“As long as you are going to be okay, I can help you to deal with the rest. You need to let me in so I don’t say dumb things that hurt you. Mac I don’t want to ever hurt you but I know sometimes I say things that do. The more you talk to me and tell me what you’re feeling and thinking the more likely that I’ll be tuned in and not say stupid things.”
“You’re a pretty sweet guy, Harm, you know that?”
“Sssshhh, you’ll ruin my reputation as a ladies man.”
“Ladies man huh?”
“Considering I haven’t - a - well, let’s just say I don’t think I deserve that title considering the way things have been the last three years.”
“Lived in a monastery, huh?”
“Pretty much.”
“Well, maybe things will change soon. With Mattie going back to her father and Jen moving away, perhaps you will feel a little more free to indulge in female companionship.”
“You may have to give me a refresher course in how to date...it’s been so long I’m not sure I would recognize the difference between dinner with a friend and a date.”
“Well, you usually bring flowers or some little token to your date when you pick her up, and then there’s the hand holding and kissing...”
“Yeah, but Mac, we aren’t dating and I hold your hand.”
“We don’t kiss.”
“I don’t date Harriet but I usually kiss her cheek when I see her and give her a hug when I leave.”
Mac yawned and fought to keep her eyes open.
“Go ahead back to sleep Mac...”
“You okay now?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Your welcome. Harm?”
“Yes, Mac?”
“I need you. Will you stay here and hold my hand again tonight?”
“Sure. Any time. All you have to do is ask.”
END Flashback
Mac had often fallen asleep leaning against him or holding his hand during the summer. She said that the surgery had sapped her strength more then she realized. Harm had felt that it was the emotional turmoil she was going through as she visited Lt. Commander McCool each week and worked through more of the blows life had dealt her. By mid-August the appointments had been spaced out every other week. She had gone for an appointment today but instead of seeming tired tonight she had seemed contented. Still, her strength was gone.
Harm wanted to pick her up and slip her into his bed and wrap her in his arms. He wouldn’t do it, however, because it was too great a temptation. When the time came for him to finally make love to Mac, it was going to be because it was something they both wanted and felt ready for. Harm felt that once he had made Mac his, there would be no one else for him. For that reason alone he confined his desire to touch her to holding her hand, casual hugs, and light kisses - anywhere but on her lips.
Shifting her weight once again, Harm tried to slip off of the sofa and settle her there. She had slept over several times over the years when she had wanted to be close but not too close. Sleeping over ensured she wasn’t alone. This time as he settled the afghan over her and tucked the pillow under her head, she opened her eyes.
“Guess I’m sleeping over. Do you mind?”
“Of course not...you going to be comfortable enough?”
“Yeah....Night Harm.”
“Night Mac.”
Harm watched to make sure she was falling back to sleep before he slipped out of his shorts and tank top and into his bed, pulling the sheet over him. The first few times she had slept over this summer he had stayed awake until the early morning hours, and then slept late. Eventually he got use to it and found himself actually sleeping better when she stayed over. Her frequent presence had eased the loneliness and empty-nest feeling that he experienced when Mattie had gone back to live with her Dad.
Mattie and Harm still talked at least once a week and at least once a month they got together. Harm had included Mac on his visits to Mattie. It seem to be good for all of them.
0615 Local
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm felt something light touch his forehead as he heard Mac say, “Harm? You need to get up and get ready for work. I’ll see you at headquarters at zero-seven-thirty.”
“Drive carefully.”
“I will.” Mac turned away and then turned back to Harm again as she recognized the sound of his breathing as being more asleep then awake. “Come on Sailor...feet on the floor so I can leave to go home and get ready. Your coffee pot is on...” Mac eased the sheet down his chest a little more...not sure it would be wise to pull it all the way off.
“Mac...”
“Yes.”
“Tired.”
“Too bad. Come on Harm.” Mac decided to pull his feet onto the floor and keep the sheet over the middle of him. She knew that Harm was a bit of a prude, but she knew that most people didn’t realize it.
“Alright...alright. I’m awake. I’m up...”
“See you at JAG, Harm.”
“Yes...” Harm heard the door close. He had been having a wonderful dream about Mac, and his body had been into the dream. He was fully awake as he looked at his state of undress. He would be ever thankful to Mac for keeping the sheet over his middle. There is no way she would have missed his condition if the sheet had been removed. It would have been embarrassing for both of them. Standing he made his way to the shower to start his day with yet another cold shower.
1125 Local
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
Mac heard a women’s voice in the bull pen asking for Harm.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for Commander Harmon Rabb Junior. Where could I find him?”
Jennifer Coates was looking for some papers that Harriet had left for her in the desk she had used for years when the attractive blonde women approached.
“Is he expecting you?”
“In a way. He’s is expecting someone from Georgetown Law School, but I doubt he’s expecting me specifically.”
“Very well. Your name please?”
“Alicia Montes.”
“Commander Rabb?” Jen spoke into the phone.
“Yes?”
“There’s a lady here, Alicia Montes, from Georgetown Law School.”
“I’ll be right there.”
Before Jen could fully explain to Alicia Montes that Harm was on his way, he was there and showing off his debonair charm that came so naturally to him at times.
“Ms. Montes?”
“Alicia, please.” She smiled as she turned and saw the handsome naval officer in front of her.
“Yes, Ma’am. Follow me, please. Coates, we’ll be in the conference room.”
“Very well sir.” Jennifer watched them walk away and turned to see Mac approaching.
“Who was that?”
“Alicia Montes from Georgetown Law School. The commander took her to the conference room, Ma’am.”
“Did he want me to join them?”
“He didn’t say, Ma’am.”
“Well, I’ll be in my office if he needs me.” Mac turned and walked away. Jennifer watched her go and shook her head wondering when the two of them would get together.
“Ms. Montes, thank you for coming over. I was told you were looking for someone to review an old case.”
“Yes I am. A friend of mine was telling me that her uncle, a seaman got in trouble because he refused to pay a hooker when he found out she was a he. The battle that followed ended badly. He’s in prison in Leavenworth but she feels that he was imprisoned unjustly. I looked at the case but I do not understand all the angles as a result of military rules and procedures. It really complicates things doesn’t it?”
“Yes, Ma’am it can.”
“Please call me Alicia.”
“Not while I’m on duty, Ms. Montes. I don’t know you well enough to drop the formality.”
“I’d like to fix that Commander. Join me for lunch? We can talk more about the case.” Alicia Montes had noticed that the handsome naval officer wasn’t wearing a wedding ring and she decided that he might make a perfect escort for the Autumn Ball at the University. He would certainly turn a few heads.
“I have plans today, Ma’am. Another time perhaps. Tell me more about this case.”
“It was 1981. Seaman Wainwright refused to pay a hooker when he found out she was a he. There was a fight and Seaman Wainwright did throw some punches but stands by his claim that the hooker was alive when he left. Wainwright has always maintained that there were others that were equally shocked to discover the hooker had fooled them, but know one else would come forward due to the embarrassment and shame they felt they would have to endure.”
“Why are you so sure that Wainwright was unjustly imprisoned?”
“Well he did do some things wrong - use a hooker, refuse to pay, assaulted him...but there doesn’t seem to be anything more then circumstantial evidence. Rachel told me about her uncle and I tend to agree with her. His history does not indicate that he is the type to loose control and beat someone to death. The bruising on his knuckles in the picture in the file did not seem severe enough for that. But the real clincher to me is not one of the other charges that would have seemed reasonable were even entered against him. They went straight to murder and murder only. The jury didn’t even have options.”
“I see. Based on what you are telling me, I would be interested in reviewing the case, however, right now my work load is fairly heavy. I would have to fit this in outside of work right now. There’s just not enough here that would warrant my CO authorizing this case be reopened.”
“But you’ll look into on your own anyway?” Alicia smiled and almost batted her eyes at the heroic officer before her.
“Yes, bring me the case and I’ll take a look at it. A friend of mine but also be willing to look it over as well, but I’ll look into that later.”
“Thank you Commander. I’ll see if I can get the entire file to you later today.”
“Very well.”
“Should I deliver it here or elsewhere?”
“Here would be fine. Just leave it at the guard house and I’ll ask for it when I leave later today.”
“Thank you again Commander Rabb; and if you need to meet with me on the case please call me.” Alicia Montes handed him her card, smiled and left the conference room. Mac found him there three minutes later, still looking at the card in his hand.
“Hey Flyboy...what’s up?”
“Oh hi Mac...I was just asked to review a case that’s over twenty years old. It seems that the man’s niece is a student at Georgetown Law School...”
“You’re alma mater?”
“Yes...Anyway, she brought this case to her Law Professor who feels the claim that this man was unjustly imprisoned for life, has merit. Because it involves military law, she asked for me to review it.”
“Harm you know General Cresswell won’t approve it.”
“I know. That’s why I told her I would have to do it outside of JAG - in my free time.”
“I see.” Mac’s voice didn’t seem entirely in favor of the plan, but Harm didn’t see anything in her face or body language to indicate she was mad at him.
“Mac, you know I can’t stand by and let someone waste their life in jail if they don’t deserve it.”
“I know. It’s just...never mind.”
“Mac, wait...it’s just what?”
“It seems that we never have time to do anything but work anyway, this is just going to bite into our time I guess.”
“I know...but I thought you might want to look at the case with me. Two heads are better then one.” Harm tried a little charm with his friendly banter.
“Won’t work Harm. I’, already swamped, as are you. However, I won’t give you a hard time about it. I know why it has you hooked. I understand that. Besides...” Mac trailed off not finishing her thought.
“Besides what, Marine?”
“Maybe she’s what you’re looking for.”
“Mac...”
“Harm you promised me just last night that you would keep an open mind around single women. Is she single?”
“I don’t know. I think so.”
“Well, she’s attractive and intelligent...and young...maybe she’s the right one.”
“Mac...”
“No really Harm. I think you should explore the possibilities here...and not just with the case.”
“Alright Mac. I said I would keep an open mind and I will. But my primary focus is reviewing the case.”
“Fine. Whatever...” Mac turned and left the conference room leaving a confused and frustrated Harm in her wake.
Harm shook his head and then said to himself, “Mac, please don’t do this to us. I don’t care about anyone but you. I wish you could admit you feel the same way. Alright, Sarah Mackenzie...let’s see how you react if I do show interest somewhere else. Let’s see if that inspires you to take a risk...”
CHAPTER 2
September 3, 2004
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
[Knock, knock}
Mac looked up from her desk to see Harm standing their smiling in her doorway.
“How you doing today Mac?”
“Fine.”
“I haven’t seen you much since Wednesday. We still on for tonight?”
“I guess so. Are we eating in or out?”
“What would you rather do?”
“Really?”
“Of course.”
“Then I guess I really want to go home and crawl into my comfy clothes curl up on the couch and eat pizza and ice cream.”
“Pizza and ice cream at your place it is. Want me to grab a movie?”
“No...if you don’t mind I would rather watch an old favorite then take on something new.”
“What’s it going to be - Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, Pretty Woman?”
“You know me too well...how about Pretty Woman and Top Gun?”
“For you I’ll do it. Pepperoni and Chocolate?”
“Thanks...you do spoil me you know.”
“Good. It’s worth it if it makes you happy.”
“But does it make you happy?”
“I’m happy if you are.”
“Then I’ll try harder to be happy more often. I don’t like to see you sad either.”
“We are a pair, Mac. I’ll see you at your place then about 1830.”
“See you then.”
1843 Local
Mac’s Apartment
Mac flipped the pizza box open and reached for a slice of the perfectly browned cheese topped pepperoni pizza and took a bite. Harm stood there watching her chew with her eyes closed. Mac was wearing her faded cowboy print pajamas that Chloe had given her years before and a pair of fuzzy slippers. Although it was only September and not that cool out, Mac had told him that when she was stressed or tired she always felt cooler and loved nothing more then wearing cuddly clothes and curling up. He had finally gotten her to admit this summer that she liked cuddling in his arms better then in the corner of the couch.
Harm set down her glass of soda, and then settled himself into the corner of the couch, turning slightly so she could nestle against him, his arms around her. Grabbing a slice of his pizza topped this time with chicken, spinach and onion, Mac leaned against him. Her head rested against his shoulder. They munched quietly for awhile until each had finished two slices of pizza. Mac turned a little to talk to Harm then.
“Harm, have you ever dealt with a polygamy case before?”
“Polygamy...as in someone having more then one spouse?”
“Right.”
“I can’t say as I have. Is that what you and Bud are working on?”
“Yes. I just can’t see how anyone would want to live like that.”
“You don’t think it solves the problem when someone can’t decide who they love more?”
“No I don’t. If I loved someone, I wouldn’t want to share them that way with anyone else. Would you?”
“No. But what if someone couldn’t make up there mind between two people. Wouldn’t entering into a cond with both solve their dilemma?”
“I suppose...but it wouldn’t work for me.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t share!”
“Oh...”
“What’s that mean?”
“Nothing?”
“Come on Harm. I know you and that ‘Oh’ meant something.” Mac had turned so she was facing Harm now and not leaning against him.
“Alright...you say you don’t share...but claiming me as your best friend forever and telling me to go explore other potential relationships kind of the same thing in a way?”
“No...”
“Yes it is Mac...to me.” Harm waited and when Mac didn’t say anything just sat looking at him, he continued. “I’ve made a commitment to you Mac. Call it whatever you want...best friends is fine. But I know that I want you in my life and that if I am to father a child, I want it to be with you. Yet you won’t accept that and have made me promise to explore other options. I can’t do that fully, feeling about you the way I do...yet I’ve promised to try and keep an open mind. You say you don’t share, so I guess I should take it that you don’t want to enter into a commitment with me and therefore I am free to become involved with someone else...despite what I feel and want.”
“I didn’t ask for a commitment from you!”
“Yes you did. You asked me if I would always be there for you. When I said yes, I was making a commitment to you. I don’t care what you call it, it is a commitment from me to you.”
“You’re twisting my words.”
“Am I Mac?”
“Yes!”
“Okay, then tell me again.”
“I don’t want to lose you. You’re my best friend. I like spending time with you and having you around.”
“But...”
“But the one thing you want most is the one thing I can’t give you. You deserve to have someone that can give you what I can’t...”
“A baby?”
“Yes, a baby.”
“So in order for me to have a baby with someone, I have to care about them to some degree. I would have to make some kind of commitment to them. IF I did that, then I may not always be able to be there for you.”
“I know.”
“Are you sure that’s still what you want...for me to find someone else that is a sure thing in the baby-making department?”
“Yes...at least I want you to think about it...be sure you can live with yourself and the situation knowing that I probably won’t be able to have your baby...”
“If you’re sure this is what you really want Mac, then I need some time away from you to think about things too. If you need me, call. Other wise I need a little space right now.” Harm stood up and turned to look at Mac. His face was closed, not giving away the torment he was feeling inside.
“You’re leaving now?” Mac asked.
“Yes. I think it’s for the better. I can’t just jump from one commitment to another. I need at least a few days to adjust to this change.”
“But Harm...”
“It’s alright Mac. I’m not angry with you. I’m listening to you. You obviously don’t want to risk a future with me if we can’t have a child together. You also don’t trust me enough to know my own mind. You’re still my best friend, but I promised you I would explore other options. I guess I better do that. Good-night Mac.”
“ ‘Night Harm...” Mac watched the door close. Harmon Rabb Junior, the man that never ever completely left her life even when she said he should, had just walked away from one of their special times together. He had taken her at her word - again - and walked away. She had only herself to blame.
Harm paused outside Mac’s door hoping she would come after him. He wanted her to see what she was doing to them and their chance at happiness together. He loved Mac, and he wanted her in his life whether or not they could have a baby. But he had to find a way soon, to make her realize that she wanted it too more then anything.
Alicia Montes had come along at the perfect time. She was an attractive woman and maybe if he wasn’t so in love with Mac, he would enjoy getting involved with her. However, right now the most important thing was finding a way to get Mac to see what she was doing to them again. He didn’t want to use Alicia or anyone, so he vowed to be as honest with them as he could be. He would call Alicia when he got home and talk to her about this tonight. He was helping her, and maybe she would agree to help him.
2013 Local
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm found the card that Alicia had given him. He dialed the phone while sitting at his desk.
[Hello]
“Alicia? Harm Rabb.”
“Yes. Have you review the case?”
“I have and I think I might be able to help you.”
“That’s wonderful. I don’t know how I can repay you.”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have an idea about that.”
“Anything.”
“Here me out first. There is a woman that I love. She however has decided that I should find someone else that can give me what she maybe can’t...a child. I’d rather have her in my life without a child then anyone else I know that could give me a child. She won’t hear me or believe me right now and I promised her that I would keep an open mind about getting involved with another woman if she would accept that I know my own mind about this matter. She’s also informed me that she won’t share someone she loves.”
“And you want me to pose as your girlfriend to make her jealous.”
“More or less. I figure we will need to spend time together to work on this case. It’s not official so no one need know if we are spending time alone together to work on this case or to work on a relationship.”
“I could do this. What happens if you of us falls?”
“That’s why I’m telling you up front the way it is. I love Mac, and I would never intentionally hurt her...but she feels that I need to consider all my options for a few months. I’m hoping that if we can make her feel that I am seriously thinking about you as a potential replacement for her, then she will finally make the kind of commitment to me that I couldn’t make to her at first - until I was convinced that I had run out of option and I was going to lose her.”
“So you declared your undying love and she’s rejected it.”
“Something like that...only I think she does love me too and the power of what we share is so strong that it scares her. I told her once that if she loved someone else then it didn’t matter what I wanted. It’s time for her to make up her mind. She says she doesn’t share when she loves someone, yet she’s pushing me away. I hope that if she thinks she’s losing me she’ll admit that she doesn’t want to share me as a friend or any other way and she’ll make a commitment to explore what it is between us that has kept us tied together for over eight years now.”
“And you two have never...”
“Never. Yet I feel closer to her and like I’ve been more intimate with her on every other level then I have any other girl friend I”ve had.”
“Alright Harm. In the name of true love, I’ll do it...at least I’ll agree to letting people think we are seeing each other. I’ll try to protect my heart, though, because I have a feeling that being around someone that loves someone like you do this women is going to be pretty enticing.”
“Thanks Alicia. Now about the case. I want to go to Kansas to interview Wainwright. Want to go with me?”
“Sure. When so you want to go?”
“Tomorrow. I’ll call and get us tickets. Bring an overnight bag, just in case.”
“I take it the bag is mostly for appearances?”
“Yes. But just in case we can’t get a flight back tomorrow night...”
“Very good. Let me know what time to meet you at the airport.”
“I’ll pick you up...”
“Right. Call me later with the time and I’ll give you directions then.”
“See you later.”
Harm hung up and called to get a flight to Kansas for Saturday morning. The first flight out departed at 0750 and Harm was able to get two seats for that flight with a return trip at 1700 Saturday evening. He booked them and called Alicia back.
“Our flight leaves at tomorrow morning before eight. We have to be there at least an hour before boarding.”
“Where do you live, Harm?”
“North of Union Station.”
“I’m not far away then. I’m in the Dupont Circle area. You know the big gray building on the corner of New Hampshire right off the circle across from the Dupont Hotel?”
“That it?”
“Yes.”
“Easy enough to find. I’ll pick you up around six-fifteen. That should give us plenty of time to get to Dulles, park, and check-in.”
“What kind of car should I be looking for?”
“Silver Lexus SUV.”
“Somehow you struck me more of the sports car type.”
“Actually I have a restored Corvette I use quite often but I don’t like leaving it at the airport.”
“Smart man. Harm, are you sure you want this woman thinking you’ve already found someone?”
“If it helps her to understand what I’m saying, then yes. See you early tomorrow morning.”
After talking to Alicia and arranging for their flight to Kansas in the morning, Harm decided to call Mac and let her know he was going out of town. He wanted her to understand what he was getting it at, but he didn’t want to risk their friendship either.
[Ring! Ring}
Mac heard the phone ring and thought some of ignoring it just until she thought it might be Harm calling. She picked up her portable phone where she still sat on the corner of the couch.
“Colonel Mackenzie.”
“Mac, it’s me.”
“Are you angry with me Harm?”
“No...frustrated maybe, but not angry.”
“You sure?”
“Yes...Look Mac, I called because something has come up and I’ll be gone tomorrow.”
“With a case?”
“Yes...the Wainwright case that Alicia Montes called me about.”
“Oh?”
“After I left your place I called her to tell her I’d take the case and we decided to go to Leavenworth to interview this guy. We fly out early tomorrow morning.”
“Wow...that was fast.”
“Mac, it’s just a case. Don’t read something into it that’s not there.”
“Do you want me to drive you to the airport so you don’t have to leave the car there?”
“It’s okay. It won’t be overnight or anything. We are suppose to fly back tomorrow night.”
“Fine. Thanks for letting me know.”
“I’ll see you Monday then.” Harm hung up the phone feeling like a heel. He could tell Mac was a little concerned that he was on a first name basis with Alicia Montes and that he was taking this case and going away with her to investigate. He wondered if she felt like he did. They were partners and ..every time either of them had to work a case with someone else, it never felt as right.
CHAPTER 3
Harm had picked up Alicia on time. He pulled up just as she stepped from her building. She tossed her bag in the back seat and climbed in. They didn’t talk much as they navigated the early morning traffic on the way to the airport. Once the car was parked, they grabbed their bags and headed for the terminal where they would check in and pick up their tickets.
Every thing went smoothly and they arrived at the boarding gate right on time. The flight was not booked full so the few people milling around were not anxious about finding a seat or being over crowded.
Harm led the way once they were allowed to board. He was pleased he had been able to get a bulk head seat which gave him additional room for his long legs. Taking the window seat he turned to Alicia as an after thought.
“I’m sorry I didn’t even ask if you preferred the window seat.”
“This is fine with me. If I have to get up I won’t have to crawl over you.”
“Thanks. I guess I didn’t realize how much I’ve come to assume after all this time working with Mac.”
“She doesn’t like the window seat?”
“Not really.”
“Tell me about this woman I’m helping you to win.”
“About eight years ago, I had been at JAG for about a year, the Admiral informed me that he was pairing me up with a Marine lawyer. He said that the Marine was my match and the two of us together could make things happen. He didn’t even know how right he was at first.”
“I take it you weren’t expecting a woman.”
“No...and then when I was introduced to Mac, I couldn’t believe my eyes. She looked exactly like the woman I thought I had been in love with when she had been killed.”
“You’re kidding!”
“No, I’m not. I just stood there staring at her trying to figure out if it was a sick joke or not. Anyway, back then I was quite a flirt and I tried my charms on her. She informed me I had a nice smile but it wasn’t going to work on her. It amazes me when I think back on those first weeks. The harder I tried to get somewhere with her the more solid the walls she put up around her. Then I suddenly changed tactics and stopped trying with her. Slowly she began to open up and trust me. I had fun push her buttons and getting her to get mad at me. She’s so beautiful but when those dark eyes of hers are snapping sparks she takes my breath away.”
“You do have it bad Commander.”
“Yes, well, I didn’t realize that I wanted more then friendship with her at first. I had trained myself to treat her more like a sister...yet we had a connection that went far beyond that.”
Harm kept talking and Alicia took it all in. She heard him talk about the times that Mac had stayed by him when he had been sick or injured; how she had traveled to Russia with him in his search for his father; how when he thought he could avenge Diane’s murderer, she was there and kept him safe from his irrational self. He told Alicia how over the years he learned how Diane and Mac were alike and how they were different.
“One thing I found was that while Diane would work out to stay in shape, she hated it and did it only because she had to. Mac works out becomes she loves it. She has a competitive streak as wide as my own. I think that’s one reason its taken us so long to get to a place where we could even admit we cared for each other. Diane never faced the adversity that Mac has. Diane never hesitated to turn to her friends for a little boost. Mac on the other hand has had to count on herself to get where she is. She’s never had anyone to count on and it makes her feel weak and helpless when she has to rely on someone. She tends to get angry instead of feeling cared for when someone does something to help her. Diane found joy in everything she did. Mac loves to laugh but she has to feel safe before she can let herself relax enough to really enjoy herself...although I think with our JAG family she is much better. Diane use to love to wing it while Mac tends to be by the book most of the time.”
“Sounds like Mac has a lot of baggage.”
“No more then I do. Mac somehow thinks she isn’t good enough for me. I disagree...for years I didn’t think I deserved someone like Mac. She made a pass at me once and I told her that where we are didn’t change who we were. I meant that we were still partners at JAG and there’s the whole chain of command thing and fraternization...but she took it that I meant she wasn’t good enough for me. She ended up engaged to another guy.”
“What did you do?”
“I tried to support her when they got engaged thinking she was happy. As it got closer to her engagement party, I realized that maybe she wasn’t as happy as I had thought. I tried talking to her. During the engagement party we rehashed our years together. I told her she would always have someone who loved her. I knew for sure that night that I was in love with her. I loved her enough to let her go to another man if he was going to make her happy. I did give in a kiss her though. I couldn’t believe I had done it. Later I realized that the kiss hadn’t been one sided. I asked her on Monday if we were okay. She said yes and focused on a lecture she was preparing to give at Annapolis. A few days later I left for my quals. I thought I had told her about them and I hadn’t. She was so mad at me and for the first time since I resumed flight status she wouldn’t wish me luck. I was devastated.”
“It meant that much to you?”
“Yes. Skates, my RIO, couldn’t believe I was there doing quals and that I was going to be cutting it so close to make it back for the wedding. I had struggled with myself for days as to whether I could go and watch her marry Brumby. I finally made up my mind to go back and talk to her one more time and see if I could convince her to give me a little more time to get myself together. I felt like I was close to a point where I would be able to make a commitment.”
“Did you stop the wedding?”
“Yes...but not the way you might think.”
“What did you do?”
“I went down at sea in my aircraft on my way back.”
“Oh my goodness! Obviously you survived.”
“Yes...I recovered from a pretty severe case of hypothermia and nightmares from nearly drowning. I found out afterwards that Mac had been so distraught that she refused to get married even after she knew I was okay. About three weeks afterward, Mac called all upset. Brumby had walked out on her. She came to my place in tears. Shortly after she got there, Brumby called. He had tested her to see who she would go to when she was upset and lost. She came to me so he left that night for Australia where he was from. She went after him saying that he couldn’t get passed the relationship that we shared. I told her that it was probably because we couldn’t get past it.”
“She didn’t catch him?”
“Actually she did catch up to him. He walked away and wouldn’t even talk to her. He broke her heart. She told me a few months later that although she knew their love wouldn’t have lasted, she did love him in away and it still hurt to have it end that way.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Three years...she called me that night on the phone and I told her to come to me. I was still healing the injuries I got from ejecting out of the plane and the swim in the Atlantic. Before she got there, the woman I had been seeing showed up. She had gotten a call on her cell phone telling her that her father had died suddenly. I couldn’t turn her away. After all she didn’t know at that point that I wanted to end it with her. I knew we were going no where. She wanted a commitment from me and I wasn’t going to give it to her. Anyway, I couldn’t dump her on top of her losing her father. When Mac got to the door, I couldn’t have her be with me the way on wanted. I explained what happened and she assured me we would talk when I got back. I tried calling her later that night and when we got to Renee’s parents’ house. I couldn’t get through to her. I kept calling and she wouldn’t answered my calls or call me back. By the time I got back, she was gone. She had taken a billet on a ship so she could get away. I tried to call her and she said she couldn’t really talk. So I convinced the Admiral to give me a case on the ship she was on. She wasn’t real happy to see me. She asked me what I would give up for her - if I would give up my ‘girlfriend’. I was choked up thinking that we were finally getting close and by the time I answered she had walked away and never heard my answer. I ran after her but there was no time to talk.”
“It sounds like she’s led you on a merry chase Harm.”
“It works both ways. Anyway we worked through a lot eventually and I thought we were getting closer but then I was accused of murder and everyone was ordered to stay away from me. I was finally cleared, but I was angry that no one had even tried to come see me. Mac was mad because I hadn’t confided in her in the very situation that led to me being arrested.”
“Took macho too far, huh?”
“I guess so. Anyway by the time I got home from the brig, she was headed out on a classified assignment. Something didn’t feel right, and I told her not to go. She was going to be undercover as an agent’s pregnant wife. I had nightmares when I did sleep. I got to where I didn’t want to sleep so I wouldn’t have them. I was living on coffee and worry. I knew then without a doubt that I wanted to marry Mac and start a family with her. I decided to go after her and tell her. Put it all out there for her to take it or leave it.”
“But?”
“But when I finally found her after giving up my commission in the Navy, things fell apart. I rescued her seconds before she would have been electrocuted. Another friend was working with me and we got both her and our friend, the agent, out alive. Gunny was going to take the agent with him and Mac was going with me to see if we could stop a shipment. We ended up getting a small plane which we used to stop the shipment, but we took fire and had a rough landing...hell we crashed. Somehow we both walked away but she was already functioning on an adrenaline high and I ended up with a concussion. I don’t do good when I’m hurting. I get a little sarcastic. Anyway, Mac and I sort of had this love-hate relationship at that point. She hated me for having to rescue her and I hated the fact that she was so close to the agent that she kissed him good-bye. I kept asking her if that was part of the act or if she had fallen for him...only I didn’t word it like that. To shorten this story some, she decided that we were too competitive and I gave up and said if she wanted the other guy she could have him. I threw the men in her life at her that had died or had broken hearts. When we were getting ready to leave she told me we would never work and walked away.”
“That hurt you didn’t it?”
“Yes...she had also said that I shouldn’t have given up the Navy to come after her because it was all I had. I was hurt and angry and praying that I could get my commission back once we got home. The Admiral however had been pushed beyond his limits and told me in front of Mac that I was immature and not a team player. He also told me I was a civilian. I packed up my desk and left. I had no idea what I would do but an agency called me an offered me a job. It allowed me to serve my country and fly so I took it. It only lasted a few months because I ended up getting on TV during an assignment and they had to let me go. Then I worked as a crop duster. That’s when I met Mattie Grace. She became my ward. She helped me to open up and express myself more freely. The Admiral finally gave me another chance. It took awhile for Mac and I to get our friendship back, but I realized that she wasn’t as immune to me as I had thought. I had gone to her to ask her to give me a reference when I went to court to get custody of Mattie. At first she refused. She was upset and told me that I hadn’t even tried to fight her for a relationship. I told her that Mattie’s life was too important to risk her messing it up.”
“That’s rather brutal Harm.”
“True, but I must have gotten through to her. She showed up in court and told the judge about my better qualities and then said I was exactly the kind of man she would want to father her children. I knew then that it wasn’t over. I kept trying to get her to spend time with me and with Mattie but she always seemed to have plans with the agent. I was never sure how involved their relationship was...later I found out that not only were they sleeping together, but Mac thought she had fallen in love with him and had told him so.”
“What happened?”
“He was killed in the line of duty...and then Mac found out that she has a condition that will make it difficult for her to have a baby. Anyway, I’m jumping ahead here a little...After I learned to read Mattie I learned to use the same skills with Mac. I started to see through her moves. She would try to pick a fight with me every time she thought I wasn’t interested in her anymore. I told her I knew what she was doing. When I confronted her about the agent and asked if they were dating or not, she evaded the answer. Finally I heard her refer to him as her boyfriend, so I asked her if it was official. She came back with, ‘Are you trying to push me into his arms?’ and I told her that she was doing what she always did...keep her options open. She asked me what I wanted and I told her that if she loved him then it didn’t matter what I wanted.”
“What happened then?”
“I walked away. I will not talk her into anything. She needed to decide on her own if she loved him or wanted to take a chance on us.”
“You put that in past tense...is that because he’s dead?”
“In a way. Last May I told her that I wanted her to consider a life with me. That I was ready to settle down and start a family. I knew it was too soon after she lost this other guy. She asked me if I would always be there for her and I said ‘yes’. Then she told me that her chances of having a child were not good. I told her that it didn’t matter. That we could adopt or take in foster children. She decided that getting involved with me would keep me from having what I wanted. She won’t listen to me. I want her in my life. Having children together would be great but I’d rather have her without children then to have children with someone else.”
“So this has been going on since May?”
“Yes...although we have grown close again. We’ve reestablished ourselves as best friends...but I want more and she’s not ready. I’ll give her as much time as she needs, but she wanted me to explore other relationships that could give me everything she couldn’t. She’s working a case involving polygamy so I asked her what she thought about it. She informed me she wouldn’t share if she loved someone. I tried to point out that she was asking me to explore another relationship and that as far as I was concerned I needed to distance myself from her some if I was going to do that...otherwise in my mind I would be courting polygamy.”
“You already feel married to her, don’t you?”
“Yes. I want to make it official but nothing I say will matter until she accepts that she wants a relationship with me no matter what.”
“Then I hope you are able to make this case work to your advantage.”
“You see why I have explained this to you up front? I don’t want you to be under any illusions. I don’t want to risk hurting you in anyway.”
“Thank you. You know, I’m jealous of Mac. She doesn’t realize what she’s got. I would give anything to have a man love me as completely as you love her. I’m looking forward to meeting her and seeing you two together.”
“Thank you, I think.”
Harm and Alicia then discussed the case until they landed. They caught a taxi to Fort Leavenworth Penitentiary. Harm was cleared to interview Seaman Wainwright and he and Alicia Montes waited for him to be brought to them in an interrogation room. While they waited Harm asked if it would be possible to also visit Matthew O’Hara when they had finished with Wainwright. They agreed to bring him in to see him.
“Who’s this O’Hara?”
“Mac’s uncle. I had hoped to get him off without brig time but failed. I try to check in with him whenever I’m here. He and Mac also talk at least once a month. He means a lot to her. I met him on the first case Mac and I worked together as a matter of fact.”
The door opened then and Seamen Wainwright was brought in. Alicia and Harm got down to the case and by the time they wrapped up, Harm was as convinced as Alicia that although Wainwright probably should have had some brig time, life was not an appropriate sentence. Alicia excused herself to use the restroom, when the guard announced Matthew O’Hara.
“Commander Rabb...its god to see you, son.”
“Hello Colonel...How are you?”
“Well, it’s not a life I would have chosen but I made a poor choice and I need to pay my dues. I wish I was free to help with this mess in Iraq.”
“Yes sir...they could use someone with your leadership ability over there.”
“How’s Mac?”
“When did you talk to her last?”
“About two weeks ago. Has something happened?”
“No...its just she’s had a rough year and she seems to finally being doing better.”
“I’m sure you are helping her.”
“I’ve tried, sir, but she doesn’t seem to want my help.”
“I find that hard to believe. She tells me every time we talk that you’ve done this or that for her. Are you sure we’re talking about my Sarah Mackenzie?”
“Yes sir, I am. I don’t know if its my help or just me she doesn’t want.”
“You are in love with her aren’t you?”
“Yes sir.”
“Then don’t give up on her...and don’t be afraid to give her a taste of her own medicine.”
“I’ve tried that sir, and it always seems to come out wrong. She thinks I should explore other potential relationships and make sure that I really want her.”
“What do you think of that idea?”
“I don’t like it but I’ve agreed to give it a whirl - sort of.”
“Harm, what are you doing?”
“I’m working a case with a very attractive, intelligent young women that is unattached and likes to flirt. I’m going to let Mac think I’ve taking her advice and I hope that she’ll realize that she doesn’t want to risk losing me and tells me what it is she is really feeling and what she wants.”
“It could work. After all you are doing what she wants.”
“Yes...last time I listened to her she decided I didn’t fight for her. Let’s see if she decides to fight for me.”
“Don’t get caught up in the game Harm.”
“I won’t. I figure in a few more weeks she will have mourned Webb’s death and I’ll tell her that I miss her in my life and that I want her to give us a try.”
“Good luck Harm.”
“Thanks Matt. I’ll tell Mac I saw you.”
“Give her a hug for me.”
“I will sir.”
“Harm...I’ll be out in a few more years on good behavior. Don’t be yourself up over this. Without you I could have been facing a death penalty.”
“Yes sir.”
Harm joined Alicia in the office area. They checked out and caught a taxi back to the airport. They would make their flight without a problem.
CHAPTER 4
1430 Local
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm had just returned from court when he heard a knock on his door. Looking up he saw Alicia Montes smiling at him.
“Alicia, good afternoon. Were you able to find the addresses we need?”
“Hi Harm. I found one and I gave the other two names to two of my student interns to see if they could track them down.”
“Great. Shall we call the one you have?”
Alicia and Harm, using the speaker phone, dialed the number and waited.
[Hello]
“Yes, is this Georgette Nestor?”
[Yes it is]
“This is Commander Harmon Rabb with the US Navy JAG Corp. Alicia Montes and I are looking into the imprisonment of a Seamen Wainwright as the result of an incident that took place in 1981. It is our understanding that you were in a club that night where the victim and Wainwright met.”
[Yes I was.]
“Could we meet with you to ask you some questions?”
[Either today or tomorrow around six would work.]
Harm and Alicia exchanged smiles. “Today would be great. Where would you like us to meet you?”
[There’s a diner on Vermont Avenue that’s close to my place. I could meet you there.]
“Very well. We’ll see you at six.”
After disconnecting the call, Harm smiled at Alicia and commented, “That worked out well.”
“Yes it did. Look I’ve got to go teach a class so I’ll meet you about quarter of six at your place. That work for you?”
“Sounds perfect.”
[Knock, knock]
“Oh Hi Mac. Come on in.”
“I can come back if you are busy.”
“No it’s alright. I want you to meet Alicia Montes. Alicia, this is Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie.”
“You’re working a case together, right?” Mac asked as she shook Alicia’s hand.
“Yes. I’ve got to go as I have a class in twenty minutes. Harm. I’ll pick you up later.”
“Looking forward to it.”
“Are you two going out?” Mac asked after Alicia had left.
“She’s picking me up and we are going to a diner later...yes.”
“Oh.”
“Did you need something Mac?”
“I just hadn’t seen you all day and wondered how you were. I guess the trip to Leavenworth must have been productive as well.”
“Yes, more then I had even hoped. Hey, speaking of which, I got to see Matthew O’Hara. He asked me to give you a hug for him...so sometime when we aren’t in uniform remind me to do the honors.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Mac is everything okay?”
“No...yes...I don’t know.”
“So talk to me.”
“If I knew how to put it into words I would. Right now I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Alright. Well I guess I’d better get back to work or General Cresswell will be nailing my hide to a wall.”
“Talk to you later.”
Harm got busy at his desk until after he was sure that Mac had walked away. Then he looked up and took time to think about what had just transpired. Mac’s uncertainty about what was bothering her and her inability to put it into words could be a good omen. He hated lying to her yet in order for him to look like he was giving her what she wanted, he had to go through with this charade. He knew when the time came, that Alicia Montes would be left in no doubt as to who he loved and she would be able to look Mac in the eye and tell her that although they had spent time together Harm had never misled her that she had a chance. He hoped it wouldn’t take long for Mac to realize that she didn’t want to push him away and in fact she did want Harm for herself.
Alicia picked Harm up at his place as arranged. They drove the short distance to the diner. Georgette was easily recognizable and stood to greet Harm and Alicia when they entered the diner. The interview went well and they left an hour later knowing that the whole thing had been a set up and that if the other two people could be found they could prove it.
“I owe you a real meal, Alicia.”
“Oh I’m fine. That little salad you had wasn’t much.”
“It was fine. Look why don’t you come over to my place tomorrow evening and I’ll fix a real meal and we can see what else we’ve got here after dinner.”
“Are you a good cook?”
“Most of the time.”
“Then I’ll risk it.”
“Great. See you about half past six then?”
“Perfect.”
Alicia dropped Harm off at his place before seven thirty as she had a Monday night course to teach.
Tuesday
1850 Local
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Mac spotted the sporty little car outside Harm’s apartment. She wasn’t sure if it was someone to see Harm or one of the other tenants so she went up and knocked on his door. She thought she knew what was bothering her so she had decided to stop and talk to Harm before she went to see Commander McCool this time. She usually ended up here after her appointment, but she needed to ask him something first.
Inside the apartment Harm was checking the vegetable lasagna and sliding the garlic bread into the oven when he heard the knock on the door. He glanced up at Alicia and slowly stood up.
“Hope you’re ready for this. That sounds like Mac.”
“I’m ready. Better get the door.”
Before Harm got to the door the knock came again.
“Hold on...Mac! I wasn’t expecting you...come on in.”
“Thanks. I needed to talk to you about something...Oh! Hi Alicia.”
“Can it wait until tomorrow Mac? Alicia and I were just going to have dinner and then we need to talk...about the case.”
“Yeah...fine...sorry to bother you.”
“Mac, why don’t you eat with us?” asked Alicia.
“No...I’ve got to go...appointment tonight.” Mac stumbled over her words.
“Gee Mac, I’m sorry. I never thought about it being Tuesday night. We’ll get together over lunch tomorrow, okay?”
“Sure...lunch. ‘Night.” Mac turned and walked out the door pulling it shut behind her. The tears fell before the elevator door had closed.
Inside the apartment Harm leaned against the door that Mac had just shut. He closed his eyes, threw his head back and swallowed hard.
“She told me to explore other potential relationships so why do I feel like a heel for doing it?”
“Because you love her and don’t want to see her hurting. She needs you Harm, even though she may not be ready to admit it.”
“But am I killing any chance for us by doing this...by taking her at her word again?”
“I don’t know. I would think that you might want to be extra nice to her tomorrow and do something special for her to make up for this. Maybe even tell her how rotten this made you feel. She if she reconsiders.”
“You may be right Alicia. Well, let’s eat and get to work. I think I’ll call her later after she get’s home from her appointment. Start apologizing tonight.”
“You’re a good guy Harm...now can we eat?” Alicia smiled as she studied the tall man crossing the room to the kitchen.
1935 Local
Commander McCool’s Office
Bethesda Medical Center
“Mac, I’m sorry to keep you waiting. Come on in.”
“Thanks.”
Commander McCool heard the sad tone in Mac’s voice and questioned her about it. “Sounds like you’ve hit a rough spot. Shall we talk about it?”
“No...Yes...It’s Harm...I’ve lost him this time...it’s really to late for us.”
“Why do you think that?”
“He’s involved with someone else.”
“That was sudden, wasn’t it.”
“Yes, I guess so.”
“Why do you think he suddenly changed his position so quickly and started seeing someone else?”
“I guess because I drove him away. I’m good at that.”
“What did you do or say, Mac to drive him away?”
“I told him that he deserved to have someone that could bear his children and that I probably couldn’t.”
“Mac, you know Dr. Chen said that its not impossible and that there are a few things that could be done to improve your chances of conceiving when you are ready. Why do you think you keep ignoring that and keep pushing him away?”
“I don’t know. I guess I don’t want to disappoint him. I want him to be sure that he could be happy with me even if we don’t have a baby.”
“I thought he suggested adoption and foster care as options.”
“He did.”
“Has that changed?”
“No.”
“Then I want you to really think about why you pushed him away. Is it because you don’t think he loves you? Is it because you are punishing yourself for letting things get to this point? Have you decided that it really is Clay that you love?”
“No! I’m pretty sure Harm loves me...and I don’t love Clay - not like that. I think I used Clay to try to get Harm to commit to me and only recently I realized that he had committed to me in the most important ways years ago...he’s almost always been there for me - at least when I’ve told him what I needed. Sometimes he’s been busy and I didn’t tell him how much I needed him. It was my fault he wasn’t there for me.”
“Do you blame Harm, Clay or yourself for things going so long unresolved that you might not be able to have your dream life?”
“I don’t know. Clay said that I used Harm to keep things off balance with us. Harm says I used Clay so I wouldn’t have to risk my feelings opening up to him.”
“And what do you think?”
“I think I’m keep making mistakes over and over again and I can’t seem to stop whatever it is I do.” Mac spoke quietly, tears trickling down her face.
“What do you usually do after we’ve had a session here?”
“I usually go to Harm’s and he fixes me something to eat and he takes care of me - when I let him.”
“Do you expect him to do it?”
“No...but he wants to take care of me and it makes me feel good when he does.”
“So what about tonight? What will you say to him when you see him tonight?”
“I won’t see him. I went over there before I came here tonight and he had a woman there and they were having dinner. Supposedly they are going to work on a case afterwards. Harm forgot what night it was he said.”
“Mac I want you to think about something. You’ve relied on Harm this summer to get you through the aftermath of our sessions. You’ve rebuilt your friendship together. You said he has made a commitment to you to always be there for you. He has said that he’d rather have you in his life then someone else that could definitely have his child. When you told him that a relationship would never work, he honored your decision. You then got angry with him for not fighting for you when he tried to move on. He asks you if you are in love with Clay and you won’t give him a straight answer. You ask him what he wants and he tells you that if you love someone else it doesn’t matter what he wants. You tell him to explore relationships with other women, he does and now you are angry with him and have decided there is no chance for you two to work it out. You with me?”
“Yes.”
“Relationships are a two way street. They aren’t perfect. It sounds to me that Harm is willing to work with you to have a relationship. What have you done to build that relationship?” Commander McCool sat quietly giving Mac time to think. She studied her tear stained face. Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie had come a long way in the three months she had been coming regularly to get help in understanding her life. She had made huge strides accept for when it came to Harmon Rabb Junior. Commander McCool had decided tonight that it was time to make Mac face the situation from an outsiders view. She hoped that Mac was ready to get it.
“I’m the problem with us aren’t I?” Mac finally asked.
“Right now you are yes. I dare say that you have both made your share of mistakes in the past, but it doesn’t have to be too late.”
“Who do you want in your life?”
“Harm.”
“Then next time he gives you a chance to open up, tell him what you want. Take a risk. What’s the first thing you think you could risk with him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Alright, could you tell him you love him?”
“No...I don’t know if he feels the same.”
“Could you tell him that you think you’ve made a mistake?”
“Maybe.”
“What is the one thing that concerns you the most?”
“That he’ll move on.”
“Yet you told him to do that.”
“I guess I could tell him I don’t think I can handle him seeing someone else right now after all.”
“Very good Mac. That’s something that I think would help both of you to get back on track. You need to start being honest with yourself and then with him. You’ve just been honest with yourself telling me that you’ve made a mistake after all. Does it feel like the world’s going to fall apart?”
“No. It feels good.”