Title: Perspectives

Author: Hollyjp

Summary: A series of introspective thinking by both Mac and Harm combined with some missing scenes from the last few episodes before we branch off into my alternate universe.

Spoilers: Picks up where JAG: San Diego ends and ends with a reaction and a little more from the series finale.

Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.

PERSPECTIVE

By the time they reached altitude, Mac had taken her journal out of her bag and started writing the thoughts that were going through her mind:

I can’t believe he didn’t tell me about Mattie or tell me how much he needed me when he called. I should have known when I heard his voice. I knew something wasn’t right. First, he doesn’t normally just call to chat; secondly he knows the time difference and would usually wait until he figured I be back at my quarters. Why didn’t I put two and two together right away?

I did try to call him back after dinner. When I couldn’t get him I excused myself from the evenings entertainment and tried again. When I got to my quarters and tried again when there was still no answer I had to call Coates. She told me about the call from Tom.

Mattie was in an accident and they didn’t know if she would make it...no wonder Harm sounded awful. I asked Coates to make the arrangements to get this red-eye flight back tonight while I packed and notified the others that I had to leave. The General understood and asked me to help cover acting JAG duties until his return now that Harm is out too. Somehow I have to find time for Harm...unless he doesn’t want me with him.

Stop it! You’re doing it again. This is what Dr. McCool had warned you about. Stop doubting yourself and second guessing before you have the facts. Don’t give up unless you know that there is absolutely no possibility for success - at least when you want something as much as I do.

When Harm called and I told him I couldn’t talk right then I was simply going into dinner. If it had been him asking me if he could call back, I’d have jumped to the conclusion that he wasn’t interested in me after all. I know Harm better then that. If he had only said he needed me, I’d have dropped everything for him...but he didn’t...anymore then I would have...correction - then I have done - when the situation was reversed.

Think about this Sarah Mackenzie...how would you react if you were in Harm’s shoes? You know Harm...how do you think he’ll react to you showing up and being there for him?

What I have done is brush Harm off...tell him I need space...he tells me to let him know when I’m ready...I haven’t really done that yet.

I know Harm...if he’s not where he feels comfortable to let go or if he’s not sure where Mattie stands...he’s going to have the walls up and block me along with everyone else...I need to do the same for him...give him space...tell him I’m there when he’s ready to come to me...I just hope he will.

I think I’m finally understanding what I’ve been doing to Harm this past year or so. I think I started out trying to punish him, but then I let my own doubts and insecurities take over until I pushed him away. But Harm stood by me reassuring me that nothing had changed. He was still there for me when I was ready. Things have been going better since my accident at Christmas. I don’t push him away like I use to. There have been subtle changes. I’m sure no one at work has noticed. Most of them are new anyway.

How I handle the next few days is going to be a key to what happens and where we go from here.

When I was talking to Graves and Mayfield about men in leather and riding motorcycles I was actually picturing Harm in his leather bomber jacket in ‘Sarah’ the bi-plane or or his flightsuit zipping around in one of his Tomcats.

I realized that I had started growing-up first wanting to settle down and have a family before ‘my guy in leather’. I wanted the guy in leather to grow up and want the same things too. He did but not yet...not Harm. I’ve loved him so much for years but when he was still kind of footloose and fancy free I got mad and decided not to wait around. Bad mistake, because then when he started to grow-up, I wasn’t ready...I wanted my freedom and I was scared that things wouldn’t work out again. He somehow went past me and suddenly I wanted a last shot of fun and games before I settled down.

A lot of stuff happened that stunted my growth and a lot happened that matured him faster...plus he has four or so years on me. Now my guy in leather is grown up and looks just fine in his suit and tie...and yeah, with Commander stripes on his sleeve. I wasn’t going to get into that with the junior officers though.

Now, I think we are both finally on the same page and have caught up to each other. I want to move forward with him and if that means we have to face major changes to do that, then that’s what we’ll do. One of us will have to move on from JAG, and both of us are willing to do that now if it means we have a shot. San Diego might not be a bad place to start...its near his parents; its got great beaches and warm weather; maybe I should look into it.

But first, I’ve got to get to Harm and help him through this crisis with Mattie. She deserves to have something good happen to her. She’s been through a lot in the last couple of years. Losing her mother; torn apart from her father; living on her own at fourteen; adjusting to living under Harm’s careful paternal eye and protective instincts; facing errors in her thinking...the way I have...before having another chance with her dad. Harm did such a great job getting them back together as much as it hurt him to let Mattie go, he did it and he’s stayed in touch with her. Now this. I hope Tom hasn’t returned to the bottle, but I’m guessing he will. It hasn’t been that long and he doesn’t have much else to hang his hopes on.

Harm won’t let Tom go back to the bottle without a fight though. I know him. He won’t judge and he won’t take any crap from him. He’ll somehow find the words that Tom needs to hear to wake him up. He’ll do it for Mattie knowing how much it will hurt her that her Dad once again failed her. At least she has Harm. Harm the nurturer. Harm the parent.

Mac thought about how she would handle the reunion with Harm. She could go to his place and when he opened the door she’d go into his arms without a word. She could practically feel her arms slide around his waist to hug him close. Or she could go to the hospital and just sit and hold his hand like he had with her when they waited on word about Bud. Or she could just go to him and say “I’m sorry for keeping this distance between us, Harm...but I’m ready to close the gap now.” At this point no one knew for sure how Harm would receive her or what she would do or where she would see him.

Mac dropped her pen and closed her eyes. It was fun thinking about all the ways she could go to Harm and all the reactions she hoped she’d get...except that could warm things up on the plane and be embarrassing. Mac, stopped thinking this way. It passed the time but so did writing. Mac picked up her pen again.

I certainly don’t know exactly what’s ahead for us, but its my turn to be there for him when he’s ready to come to me. I just hope that we can find solace and joy with each other this time.

Mac gave up the effort of writing, closed her journal and put her things away. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep a little. She would need her wits about her to balance all that she needed to do by the time she got back to Washington DC.

Another Perspective

“Come on Mattie...its time to wake up...time to show these doctors what you’re made of...time to give me a hard time...I’ll even order pizza for you just the way you like it...I need you Mattie...and I need Mac...I love you...three simple little words that I couldn’t say until you came into my life.

“You taught me what love is all about Mattie...a combination of joy and pain that you endure because you want to for the other person...its putting someone first above your own needs...its letting someone else do something for you too...I didn’t get that before you came into my life...you made me face my love for Mac and how I was pushing her away...now I need her...and she’s not here for me...I put others before her...I thought I had time...I thought if she needed me she’d tell me...but she didn’t...now I can’t...I have no right...but I need her Mattie...

“I can’t let you see how scared on am...I need to be strong for you this time...and I need Mac to help me through this...your dad needs her too Mattie...I don’t know how to help him...I want to help him for your sake...but I don’t know how...all I can do is love you...pray for you to get better...and hope that I see Mac soon...I shouldn’t have called her Mattie...she was with the General at a conference...he doesn’t understand...I think we baffle him...we baffle each other...” Harm stopped talking to sip some water.

The nurses moving about quietly through out the critical care ward rarely made their presence known and Harm would have been mortified to know that several of them had listened to him talk on and on as he sat by Mattie’s side waiting for her to wake up - begging her to wake up. They had heard enough to know that ‘Mac’ was the woman the tall dark man loved. They had all noticed his devotion to the young girl who’s life hung in the balance. He remained a quiet solid force at her side unlike her biological father who had left the first night and stayed away four days showing up again drunk.

The nurses had all heard the exchange between the two men. The tall quiet man had demanded that the lighter drunk man get himself together for his daughter. The father had whined that no one told him anything. The friend had spoken to the doctors, begged them not to give up, and acted more like most fathers they had seen caring for an injured or sick child.

“Mattie you are not a quitter...look at the way you ran Grace Aviation and made it on your own before I came along...you are strong...you can handle this and you can get better...You have so much to offer the world Mattie...more then I ever have...and I made it back from a fiery crash that killed my RIO...but you’ve got to want to get your life back...you’ve got to fight for it...I had to do it alone.

“Mattie you won’t be alone...you’ve got so many people that will fight right along with you...like me...and Mac...your Dad...your Dad’s overcome a lot already Mattie...and he will again...he needs to see a sign from you that you need him...that you want him to help you win your battles...”

Harm closed his eyes trying to keep his emotions in check. He could almost feel Mac coming closer...reaching out to him...he shook his head and then stood up, pacing around the hospital room...standing to look out the window...he was so tired...so scared...if Mac walked through that door right now and said one kind word...he knew he’d fall apart...he needed her but not here...not where others would see him crumble...where Mattie could hear his sobs...a part of him feared that Mac would show up and that his vulnerability would be exposed.

It was a part of him he could show Mac. He had before...he wanted to again...but not here...not where strangers could see. He needed to be open and honest and he needed to say those simple words to her.

During the four days that he had sat by Mattie’s bedside talking to her and praying for her he had realized that one of the worse things he had to face was losing her without telling her that he loved her. He knew too that he couldn’t waste any more time without telling Mac. If she didn’t love him the same way...or at all...he could live with it...but never saying it at all was not acceptable.

Something alerted Harm. He wasn’t sure if it was a sound or a movement but he returned to Mattie’s bedside. He took her hand in his and waited and watched again. Something was in the air and although he didn’t know if it was a good omen or not, he knew that things were about to change and he needed to be prepared, alert, and ready for what was to come.

Mac managed to get in to her car and shut the door before the tears came. Resting her head against the steering wheel she let the tears fall. She cried for Mattie; for Tom; for Harm; but not for herself. She let herself release the pressure that had built up as the reality of the situation had hit her. Mac thought back to the moment she walked in to the hospital and spotted Harm.

Before he ever said a word she had known he was in pain. He was trying to control it and make the right decisions for Mattie, for Tom and for himself. Mac had watched him for a few seconds before she approached him. He held himself rigid, control in every muscle. He looked horrible and wonderful at the same time. In that moment, she knew with more clarity then she had ever known, that the two of them had something special - something worth fighting for.

“Harm, why didn’t you return my calls?” Mac asked knowing immediately that it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say.

“Because I knew you would ask questions that I didn’t have answers for, or didn’t want to answer.”

“You need to get some rest Harm. The General said to take as much time as you need. Where’s Tom?” Mac saw the look he gave her and knew immediately that Tom was off the wagon. “How long?”

“Haven’t seen him for three days this time,” Harm told her as he sat on the bench.

“Did you call social services?”

“No.”

“You’re an officer of the court Harm. You’ve got to call.”

“They’ll put her in state custody.”

“You’ll petition for custody again, won’t you?” Mac asked amazed he hadn’t already done that.

“She needs more then a revolving door, Mac,” Harm muttered. Mac wasn’t quite sure what he meant with that comment. Her concern for him took precedent at the moment.

“Harm, why don’t you get some rest and some food,” Mac suggested as she reached out to caress his arm and rub his back. “I’ll stay with Mattie for awhile,” she added as he pulled away and mumbled.

“Don’t..not now..don’t, Mac.”

“Tell me when you need me,” Mac had calmly stated as she got up and walked away, giving him the space he desperately needed. She has kept up that facade until she had reached her car. Now she was letting the hurt and worry have its escape.

Taking a deep breath and drying her eyes, she fastened her seat belt and started the car for the drive back to Washington, DC. As she drove she thought about how she felt reaching out to Harm and having him push her away.

“Was this what he’s felt every time I”ve done this to him, when all he wanted to do was help and be there for me?” Mac thought to herself. So often she had pushed him away when she really wanted him there, yet when she asked for space he gave it to her. Why? Was it because he needed that space to keep his composure? Was it because he didn’t want to fall apart there in public? Did he think this was the only way he could stay strong for Mattie...and Tom? Does he really want me to go back and just sit with him or hold him? So many questions ran through Mac’s mind on the drive back to her apartment.

She thought back to when Bud had been hurt. The only way he could keep it together until he knew the outcome, was to force himself to be positive. He didn’t want comfort, but he could give comfort. He gave strength. She was sure part of him wanted her there with him, but his fear of losing control of his feelings - his emotions- forced him to keep his walls firmly in place. This was self-preservation on his part, not a reflection of his feelings about her. She knew somehow she was right.

Harm would not be comfortable showing the depth of his feelings in public, because it was too new to him. He had learned to keep those emotions locked up and to set his sights on the goal and not waver. He had learn to obsess over each and every thing that would lead him to those goals. Right now his goal was to will Mattie to live and to get better. To do that he had to stay strong.

What would he do if Mac went back and insisted on sitting with him? He’d be upset. He needed the isolation to stay strong and focused. Instinct told Mac that Harm would come to her when the time was right. When he did she vowed she would not badger him with questions. She would be there...offering comfort. If he wanted her to hold his hand like he had done for her over and over these past months, then that’s what she would give him. If he wanted more...? Mac hesitated and then smiled. She’d give him that too.

Mac was not about to let Harm down. She would check on him one way or another... enlisting PO Coates as needed to keep track of how things were going. When the time was right, she would check on him herself, and remind him that she was there when he needed her. In the meantime, she would make the call to Social Services, and suggest that at least temporarily they restore guardianship to Harm given the circumstances.

Mac arrived home and headed for her journal where it rested on her desk. She opened it up and wrote her thoughts down now that she had sorted them out. She finished by writing:

‘So whether my favorite Commander knocks on my door or calls me on the phone he’s going to learn that I’m ready to move forward with him and that if he needs time now, its his. I think we are on the same page here finally - or at least in the same chapter. I need him in my life and he needs me in his.’

Harm sat there his eyes squeezed shut forcing himself not to watch Mac walk away from him. It hurt too much to realize that this is how she must have felt when she had not returned his calls and he had pressured her. He could still feel her warmth on his arm and back where she had caressed him, trying to provide support and comfort. He was sure he was about to come unglued. Her touch, no matter how innocent fired his blood and set his heart racing. He was disgusted with himself for his reaction and thoughts when Mattie needed him.

His need for physical comfort wouldn’t have been satisfied by the kind of touching that one could engage in a hospital corridor and waiting room. He knew from experience that his reaction to sexual frustration when he was tired was not a pretty picture. He became sarcastic and caustic in his responses. HE remembered to well the nightmare of Paraguay and his reaction and responses to Mac.

The times they were closest he had ruined with his caustic remarks and need to protect himself. The worse part was, he kept pushing away the one person he wanted to be closest to. He had done it again tonight.

Is that what Mac had been doing all along when she pushed him away. Had she really wanted him to reach out and hold her anyway - to break down the protective walls. Too late he realized that in fact that is what he had wanted...what he still wanted. He needed Mac. Always did, but she wouldn’t have cause to realize it because he’d never told her.

He had once again screwed things up when it came to their relationship after having worked so hard trying to apply what he had learned raising Mattie, to Mac, he had lost all ground he had made with her.

He went to check on Mattie once again.

“Mattie, I’ve got to leave for a little while. You rest now, but when I get back you need to wake up. We need to talk. I need you to help me figure out what I should do. Would you be happy coming back with me? Can I give you what ever it is you need? Mac was here...she was trying to take care of me but I wouldn’t let her. I’ll try to do better...while I’m gone, I’ll try to fix it. I love you Mattie.”

Harm stopped by the desk to tell them he would be stepping out but to call his cell if there were any changes and that he would return soon. Once outside, he opened his cell and called Mac’s number. As he expected, he got her voice mail.

“Mac, Its Harm. I’m sorry...don’t you realize yet that I always need you? It’s just I felt like I would shatter in there when you touched me...I can’t afford to fall apart yet...Mattie needs me...I’m going to try and find Tom and have a talk with him...would you call social services for me...let them know what’s going on. I think they can appoint me guardian ad litem for now even if they don’t want to rule on custody. Tom’s in no shape to make any decisions that might need to be made...I will if I have to...but I’d like the courts behind me. And Mac...thanks for showing up...it meant more then I can say. I’ll return your calls if you leave any more messages...I promise.”

Harm climbed into his car and headed for the area where he knew the bars to be. He parked and started checking in one and then another bar. He had turned left after the last one when he spotted the Grace Aviation truck. There, sitting on a loading dock was Tom Johnson taking a drink out of a bottle of bourbon. Harm wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to stand the smell or taste of the whiskey again.

When Tom looked at him from those watery alcoholic eyes and asked, “Is she dead?” Harm had to fight to keep himself locked up and in control.

“No...but you need to be there and prepared to make some decisions.”

“You make them.”

“You’re her father Tom...I’m not...I don’t have the right.”

“You will when you call social services and they give you custody again.”

“I’m not calling social services Tom. I can’t stop anyone else from calling however.”

“The hospital?”

“They have to report that you haven’t been around for awhile and that you were under the influence when you did come in. They don’t know your history and for whatever reason have allowed me information they normally would not,” Harm couldn’t stand it any more and ripped the bottle from his hands smashing it on the ground. “She needs you Tom.”

“She’s got you, Commander. I got nothing...except another bottle in the truck,” he smirked as he got unsteadily to his feet and headed for the truck. Leaning against it he turned to look at Harm once again.

“You could have it all if you wanted it Tom.”

“No...I can’t ever have her mother back. I’m no good for my little girl, don’t you see?” cried Tom.

“What I see is a man to weak- to self-absorbed- to realize he could have it all. So you fell off the wagon...get on it again. Your choice, Tom. No one can do it for you.” Harm walked away before he could physically take his anger and frustration out on the smaller, weaker man.

Harm got in his car and returned to the hospital. He called Mac’s cell phone again before he went inside. Once again he left a message.

“Mac, I found Tom. I don’t think he’ll pull himself together any time soon. I know I can’t do it for him and I didn’t cut him any slack...I realized though how much respect I have for you...your strength...your ability to suck it up and go on when you trip and fall...anyway...I told him that I wouldn’t call social services but that others would...including the hospital. I thought I could scare him into putting down the bottle. Didn’t work. Talk to you later.”

Harm returned to the hospital and his bedside vigil.

Perspective 5

Mac’s POV

He claims this isn’t pay back. But do I believe him? I think I do. Harm is talking to me. He is letting me in. He’s also exhausted and overloaded with back work. He’s frustrated at Mattie’s lack of progress. And now he’s been stuck with the likes of Lt. Vukovic who thinks I like him because he reminds me of Harm. How wrong he is!

Harm was - and still is - cocky at times. But Harm also had a basic decency, a solid work ethic, and moral values that set him apart from the others. He would always sacrifice his won-lost record for the truth.

Vukovic on the other hand says he cares about the truth...but he’s lazy. He looks for the flash and dash. If it looks like he’ll win, he doesn’t go further. And he’s wrong. I don’t like him. I don’t respect him. I have drawn the comparisons but I’m not interested.

I wonder with Vukovic’s reputation, Harm thinks I’ve slept with him. There is no way I would. He’s a junior officer. He’s a sleaze ball. I don’t love him and I certainly don’t like him. He’s not Harm.

I think Harm and I have gotten closer again. We do talk. We do check up on each other. We’ve both been busy but I think we’ve reached a new place in our relationship.

Well time to go to the weekly staff meeting.

Harm’s POV

Mattie finally woke up. She’s hurting - and not just from her injuries. Her Dad falling off the wagon is going to set them both back. I looked for him last night but I couldn’t find him. I left a note on the door. I hope he goes back to the house and finds it. I’m not sure taking custody of Mattie is the right thing to do right now either. Being there for her is.

I know Mac is trying to be there for me. But I need a place to go to that will allow me to forget about things for awhile. Mac’s my haven...my peace...she doesn’t get that though. She thinks I’m pushing her away and that it’s pay back.. I tried to tell her its not about payback. I know she’s trying to be there for me. And God love her, I need her to stay strong and healthy and keep my sanity. It feels right when she worries about me and wants me to get sleep or eat. The same way it felt right for me to worry about her.

I know dealing with Vukovic has been driving her crazy. He’s about driven me crazy. Some people had said that he and I were a lot alike. I don’t see it. Yes we’re two ‘alpha males’ as Mac puts it. And yes I’m older and more experienced. But he’s lazy and sneaky and has no respect for women.

When Mac commented that she hadn’t slept with him, it wasn’t what I was getting at. I truly wondered if she’d gotten through to him at all. Been able to teach him anything about ethics. I certainly don’t feel I’ve gotten through. Maybe something or someone will.

Mac is strong and whole again. I’ve got to make sure that Mattie gets a chance to be strong and whole again too. She has so much life to live. But, it’s time for the General’s staff meeting and I don’t want to be late.

Mac’s POV

San Diego...London...Captain...Seventy-two hours...oh God! What am I doing to do? I don’t want to lose him. We need to talk. I knew Creswell would separate us. I knew this day would come and I’m not ready for it. What is he saying? It will take time to get use to the changes? Is he insane? I don’t want to get use to these changes!

I can feel the heat of Harm’s body as he stands here next to me. I wonder if he’s riding high on his promotion or feeling as rattled as I am at the moment. I wish everyone would leave us alone. I have to look in his eyes...I have to see what he’s thinking - how he’s feeling about this. I have to prepare myself to for another good-bye.

I told him once on the admiral’s porch the night of the party when I was foolishly engaged to Mic, that we’re getting too good at saying good-bye. He kissed me that night...I wonder if he will kiss me good-bye this time...or if he’ll even hug me. I think back to the time I left JAG and we embraced just before Dalton picked me up. Not a word of protest from that man. He just held me so tight for that instant before Dalton arrived...but we were still going to be in the same city. We still could see each other. And then Harm was accused of murder and I knew I had made a mistake. My place was at JAG with Harm. Thank God the admiral took me back.

I recall next the day Harm left JAG to return to flying. Once again I had so much to say and there was no time no place to talk. We hugged. He said when I had left JAG before it was for love. I asked him if he was in love...I couldn’t believe I said it. Of course I knew I could always turn it into a joke...that he loved his Tomcats...but he simply said ‘What does love have to do with anything?” Once again those arms held me tight to his warm body and I realized that I had cried when I left him before and I was crying when he left me this time...only he wasn’t really leaving me...he was leaving JAG...he was returning to his jets.

By the time we said good-bye on the admiral’s porch, I knew I didn’t want to leave him behind...but I didn’t think he would ever care for me as more then a friend. Yes, he loved me as a friend...nothing more.

Suddenly I realized that I am walking off the elevator by his side. I turn to him.

“What just happened?” I asked. I’m serious. The last thing I remember was standing beside him in the conference room talking to Creswell and now we’re stepping off the elevator. I don’t remember leaving the conference room. I don’t know if we’ve spoken.

“Your world just got turned upside down.” he says.

“And your’s didn’t?” I ask.

“Captain...I kind of like the sound of that,” he says as we walk.

He’s right. It sounds good. It sounds right. I am so proud of him. He’s not had it as easy as some people think making it this far. But his ethics and willingness to work hard and to do what’s right in the long run has paid off for him. He’s made a name for himself in Washington DC and he’s respected by the men and women that serve with him. He’ll do well in command and as the Force Judge Advocate for Europe. I always knew that he would rise to greatness.

Harm’s POV

Mac in San Diego? Captain - me? London...this can’t be happening. One dream becomes a reality just as another dream seems to be slipping away for ever. Mac is moving five hours west and I’m being sent five hours east. So what am I going to do about it. I’ve got to do something soon or let her go for good.

This new assignment doesn’t change much...not really. It doesn’t change who we are. It doesn’t change how I feel.

It does change my timetable.

It does change my options when it comes to helping Mattie. So many decisions to make and so little time to do it.

Creswell’s right. It’s going to take some getting use to. I have to be careful how I handle things with Mac. If I move too fast, she’ll slam that door that’s been slowly opening back in my face. I need to let her see I’ll support her. That I know her career is as important to her as mine is to me. I won’t take anything for granted...and above all I’ll talk to her. Let her know beyond a shadow of a doubt how I feel - once she’s ready to listen. I pray to God that she’ll come to me so I’ll know she’s ready to hear what I have to say to her.

I’ve also got to call Mattie and let her know what’s happening. I hope she’s strong enough to take it.

Mac walks by my side to the elevator and we ride to the floor where our offices are located. She’s quiet...hasn’t said a word. As we step off I hear her ask what’s happened. She’s had the rug pulled out from under her. She’s been afraid that we would be separate since AJ announced his retirement. This has got to make her feel like her world is upside down and I tell her so. I think she’s as amazed as I am that I don’t feel as off kilter as she does.

“Captain Rabb, “ I say softly. “I kind of like the sound of that.”

What did she just say...about my rise to greatness...Oh no...she’s upset about my promotion...or is she just teasing...let’s assume she’s teasing and handle it that way. I just smile at here and tell her that she’ll get her promotion soon too.

Condescending? “Mac I’m trying to be supportive here.” I look into her eyes and I know that she knows. This is just Mac with her equilibrium knocked sideways letting her mouth say the first thing that pops in her head with no filter. She did the same thing in Paraguay -as did I - and it took me awhile to understand that when Mac isn’t feeling grounded and sure of herself she relies on sarcasm and cryptic remarks to get her through. Its really hiding her pain and her need. Too bad it took me too long to understand that about her. Maybe things would have been different in Paraguay. Back then I needed a manual to figure her out...but some how...thanks to Mattie...I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on how the beautiful Marine thinks and functions.

“Mac, we’ve got to talk. There are a lot of decisions to be made and not just about staffing.”

There. She knows I want to talk but she’s not ready yet. I can see it in her eyes - in the way she carries herself. I’ll give her time. I need to go pack up my office...call Mattie...eventually I’ll call my mother...but soon I need to have the talk with Mac that we’ve put off for years...the one about us.

I return to my office and reach for the phone. While a part of me wants to tell Mattie face to face, I don’t have the time to go down there right now and I have to tell her myself...before she hears if from Jen or someone else. I hear her voice answering the phone. This is a good sign.

“Hey Mattie.”

“Harm! Hi..I answered the phone by myself...my arms working really good today.”

“That’s great news Mattie.”

“What’s wrong Harm? I can hear it in your voice. What’s happened? Did you and Mac have a fight?”

“No Mattie...nothing like that. But something has happened...something big.”

“So tell me.”

“I’ve been offered a promotion...to Captain...but to take it I have to go to London for my new assignment.”

“Cool!”

“Mattie...I said you would never be alone again...if you need me...I’ll resign...stay here with you.”

“Not on your life! Harm, you told me once that the Navy is who you are...what you do...I know that...I’ve seen it. You can’t walk away from this. I’m going to get better Harm. We can call and write. I’m sure Mac and Jen will be able to help me out some. You take the promotion and you go to London.”

“I’m not going anywhere without you Mattie...unless you tell me no...I’m going to file for custody again...and make arrangements for you to come to London with me.”

“Really? You don’t have to do that Harm.”

“Mattie, I’ll give you the choice. You can stay here...alone and get by like you were before...or you can come to London with me...but you need to know a few other things.”

“Okay...”

“Mac’s being sent to San Diego. She can choose her staff. She could choose Jen. That would mean you really would be here alone.”

“Okay...is that all?”

“No...before we go I’m going to lay it on the line with Mac...tell her how I feel. I’m hoping to tell her that you are part of the deal. Now what do you think?”

“Same as I did before...let’s go to court...let’s go to London...Captain Rabb.”

Harm could feel the warmth and smile through the phone line.

“Okay...I’m going to fill out the paperwork and file an emergency petition with the court. Later I’m going to come down to see you and try to find Tom.”

“Find him first Harm...before you come here.”

“Okay...I love you Mattie. Keep up the good work.”

“See you later Harm...Love you too.”

Harm immediately called Family and Child Services and spoke to the on-call person. He explained the situation and within minutes the forms he needed to sign were faxed to the office, signed and faxed back. Because Mattie’s case was still under review, it hadn’t taken much for them to reactivate and act on the case. Someone in Blacksburg was looking for Tom to serve him with papers before Harm ever left JAG that day.

Back in Mac’s office she continued to fight back the tears and the memories. She tried to focus on the task at hand when none other then Lt. Gregory Vukovic showed up letting her know he expected to go to San Diego with her.

“No.” She wasn’t sure where it came from, but there it was. Firm, strong, and exactly the right thing to say. His amazement at being turned down humored Mac. She admitted that at first she thought it refreshing to be appreciated as a woman and she thought that she had been given the gift of a new younger Rabb-like guy to mold into a new wonder boy for JAG. It didn’t take long however for the flaws to show themselves.

This guy was sneaky and underhanded. He treated woman as something he was due...not as people or his equals. He was lazy, pulling out ethics as a way to win his point not as something to live by. Watching him work with Harm, she realized that it would take a strong male influence to correct those flaws...if they ever could be corrected.

Something told her that an older male that could hold his own with the likes of Gregory Vukovic might be able to make a difference. It wasn’t a poor reflection on her or on the Marine Corps, but Creswell might be able to make a difference in him, but her money would be on Harm...if Harm didn’t kill him first. If Harm had time to work with Vukovic and earn his respect, then maybe he had potential. Under her command it would be nothing but trouble.

Mac tried to focus on the staff she would take with her to San Diego. She wished she could take Harm...but Captain Rabb was off to London. Bud! She would ask Bud to go. Balboa had state of the art medical facilities and the climate was great. She had Bud worked well together. She would ask Bud. It would be great to have Harriet nearby and the children. It would be something she could hang on to when Harm was no longer in her life.

She found her mind drifting back over the memories from their nine years together. She remember thinking when she first saw him how beautiful he was before she reasoned that he was a pretty boy pilot ready to play lawyer despite all she had heard about the hot hand at JAG.

When he had stared at her with the vacant look when she had offered him a crisp no nonsense handshake it had given her the strangest feeling until he had quickly grabbed her hand and breathlessly said his name “Harm.” When his hand closed around hers electric currents had traveled from his hand to hers and up her arm and down her spine clear to her toes. She had told herself immediately that she was toast if she didn’t keep her guard up around the pretty boy pilot.

Shaking herself out of her memories, Mac started packing up her things as she let her mind drift to the situation with Mattie. She was convinced that Harm would think twice about going if Mattie really needed him here. She also knew Mattie well enough to know that she would not stand between Harm and a promotion and she would not let Harm get away with anything less then the truth. That girl was good for Harm and he for she. Mac would forever be grateful that those two had found each other. It had helped Harm to be more forgiving and she knew that he would take care of himself so he would be there for Mattie.

Mac finished a few more things before she headed home to start packing up her apartment. Harm was no where around. She didn’t know it then but he was on his way to Blacksburg to find Tom.

Harm drove directly to Tom Johnson’s house and was relieved to find him home. He was sitting on the porch with papers in his hand...the papers from Children and Family Services.

“Tom?” Harm spoke quietly.

“I’m no good for my little girl Commander...I can’t be what she needs and I know it.”

“Are you going to block my petition for custody Tom?” Harm asked.

“No...she needs you.”

“Then you need to know that I’ve been promoted and am being sent to London in a couple of days. I’m going to ask permission from the court to let her come with me as soon as I can find a rehab center and the doctors clear her to travel. Can you live with that?” Harm asked.

Tom Johnson looked down at the papers he held. “Captain, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Congratulations. So Captain...if I sign here...does that mean I’m clearing the way for you to adopt Mattie?” Tom asked.

Harm felt his heart race. He couldn’t believe his ears. “Yes...are you sure Tom?”

“I think I know you well enough to know that you won’t refuse to let me have contact with Mattie...if she wants it. She needs to be able to focus on getting well and not have to worry if her father’s going to fall off the wagon or go on a drinking binge. Do you want to adopt her?”

“If that’s possible, yes.”

“Then I’ll sign here and let you take them with you.”

“Tom...before you sign those...I want you to do something...go see Mattie...talk to her...tell her what you’re thinking...ask her if its what she wants.”

“Can’t do it Captain...I’ll be back in the bottle before you get your car out of the driveway. I’m a lost cause.”

“You don’t have to be...Come on Tom...I’ll take you.” Harm reached for the smaller man’s arm.

“NO! I don’t want to see her...I can’t face her.” Tom scrambled to take the pen and sign on the line, thrusting the papers at Harm. “Take them and go...she’s all yours now.”

Harm shook his head and slipped the papers inside his jacket. “If you mean it, then I’ll thank you to keep your word so I can get her settled.” Harm slipped into his car, backed out of the driveway and drove away, glancing in the rearview in time to see Tom taking a drink from the bottle he held.

His emotions were all over the place at first. Excited about the chance to have Mattie back in his life again...scared that she would be scarred by her father’s rejection...thrilled to be able to make it permanent...worried that he would fail as a father on is own without his support system. Arriving at the hospital Harm parked the car and headed for Mattie’s room. He paused as he got to the door and watched her as she rested.

Quietly he walked into the room. She heard him and opened her eyes.

“Hey! You’re here...Captain.” Mattie dazzled him with her smile. Harm bent down to kiss her forehead.

“Hey yourself...I just talked to your dad.”

“You did? He coming over?”

“Mattie...”

“Don’t you lie to me Harm...tell me the truth...please.”

“Mattie, Children’s Services is willing to put you in my custody right away...Tom isn’t planning to block it...as a matter of fact...he thought the best thing he could do for you was sign over his parental rights...make it so you could be adopted. How would you feel about that?”

“Was he drunk or sober when he signed?” Mattie wanted to know.

“He was sober...but planning to hit to bottle. I tried to convince him to come see you and talk to you about it.”

“He refused?”

“I’m sorry Mattie...he said that he knew I would allow him to see you if you wanted to see him so he felt the best thing he could do was to sign the papers so I could adopt you.”

“Harm you don’t have to do that.”

“I know...but I’d like to if you’ll let me. What do you say?”

“Any chance your going to give me a Mom too?” Mattie grinned at him knowing he’d squirm.

“You might be surprised.”

“What?”

“It may not happen right away...but I plan to talk to Mac before I go to London...I don’t want her to have any doubts about how I feel.”

“Harm...how long will it be before I can go to London with you?”

“That will be up to your doctor. Honey look, I know its going to be rough on you, but I’ve got to head back...I’ve got packing to do and I want to get these papers filed if I can at night court So what do you say...do I request adoption?”

“Mattie Rabb...Not bad...yeah, go ahead...but I hope you give serious thought to getting us a Mrs. Rabb...Mac would be good.” Mattie teased.

“I’m working on it.” Harm kissed her forehead again and what he heard filled him with a sense of wonder and well being.

“Night Dad,” she said.

Mac was trying to pack up her apartment. Three days was not much time when she kept thinking about the special moments they had shared over the nine years - and all of the lost opportunities. She started thinking about their plans to have a child together...a dream that she had put on a shelf. Might as well focus on my career now that I probably won’t be able to have children.

Taking out another box and opening it, Mac realized that she had several boxes waiting to be packed, but nothing actually in them. She has to focus and get her things boxed up. She turned to get the bubble wrap to start on her photos, when she heard the knock on the door.

Harm...she knew it before she looked.

“Hey come on in.”

“Thanks Mac...I need your advice.”

“Good because I need your too.” Mac tried to keep packing it but she couldn’t do it. She heard ask her what she was doing about the lease on her apartment. Somehow she managed to answer that Varese was going to sublet it from her. She heard their conversation and she answered...but she totally forgot what she was going to ask him for advice on. She turned to look at him. He was still so handsome...maybe even more so now then when she had first met him. He carried maturity well and he was sexy as hell on top of that.

She felt her breath catch as she looked at him. She heard herself ask about Mattie and prepared herself to be left out again. Harm answered her this time. He told her about waiting to her from the court and his promise not to go anywhere without her. Mattie, bless her heart, had told Harm to go...to accept his promotion. She trusted him to still be there for her.

Why had it always been so hard for her to trust what he showed her all the time. Harm loved her the way she loved him. Yet neither of them would tell the other. She heard the words coming from her mouth. “Were you ready for this?”

“Were you?” Oh sure Mac thought...leave it to Harm to answer a question with a question.

“I was dreading it for some time, but now its here I guess it doesn’t seem that bad.” What she was thinking, was, if I can’t have you it will be easier to be far away where I’m not going to be reminded of you when I go some place we were together. Do I want to leave you - say goodbye - no! But I need to bring closure...so we can both move on. Mac felt the tears come to her eyes. They stood silently staring at each other and then at everything in the room but each other.

Harm had to go. He saw the look on her face, the one where she shuts everyone out. Where they world is suppose to go away and leave her alone. He had to get out of there before he did something foolish and ruined it forever. There was still time. With a mumbled, “See you tomorrow,” Harm turned and let himself out.

Mac focused on her packing then, shutting out all the thoughts of them over their nine years together. It was like a series of images flashing in her mind - Harm laughing as they played in the sky and him trusting her to take the controls; Harm taking care of her after the poachers had shot her and her leg was infected; Harm going over the hood of the car and landing on his head as they raced through the park that day; the baby that cried when the mother decided to name him after Harm and Walter; bailing them out after Bud’s bachelor party; ganging up on Harm to tease him with Carolyn Imes; Harm hugging her when she left JAG to go into private practice; hugging Harm when he left her in the desert with Keeter in order to fly the plane out of the desert and hugging hello when she landed on the carrier; hugging him good-bye when he went back to flying jets; hearing his low sexy voice invite her to go look at cars with him -and saying that inviting a girlfriend to car shop you might as well give her a diamond; Delivering Harriet’s baby in AJ’s office; the way he came to her when he escaped prison; Searching for Harm’s father in Russia; the look on his face when he saw the white lace nightgown; the way they held each other after that madman on the submarine had tried to kill Harm and blind Mac; Mic and Harm fighting; Harm getting flustered when he thought she was sunbathing topless with Mic; Harm getting nervous when she tried to push them into a physical relationship and he admitted he was only like that with her; introducing her to his half-brother Sergei; waiting for Harm to object to her engagement to Mic; reliving the kiss on the dock at Norfolk; reliving the kiss on the admiral’s porch; the kiss under the mistletoe at Bud and Harriet’s; Harm touching her fake pregnant belly before she went to Paraguay; Harm asking her not to go; Harm rescuing her from torture; Harm seeing her naked in the bathtub and telling her he had forgotten how beautiful she was; laying in bed with him and turning toward each other to kiss only to be interrupted by company; Harm’s hurt when he wasn’t allowed to return to JAG after the rescue; Harm asking for her to help him get custody of Mattie; the look on his face when she admitted that he was the kind of man she would want to father her children; the day he asked her if she would like to move the table up for the ‘baby deal’ because so many people around her were having babies; the way he was there for her when Clay died - sort of - twice; the way he offered to extend the deal and asking her to let him be a part of her life; the way he worried about her when she went after Sadik; the way he was willing to research other ways for them to have a baby when she told him about the endometriosis; the way he tried to support her when he got promoted ahead of her this time; the way he said they have a lot of decisions to make and not about staffing; the way he said to come to him when she was ready; the way he came to sit with her after her accident Christmas eve and told her that nothing had changed he was still there; and finally the way he said that it didn’t matter how he felt if she loved Clay.

“Oh my God! He does love me...he’s been showing me and trying to tell me that for years!” Mac suddenly realized that it was morning. Her packing wasn’t quite done but she almost knew what she needed to do.

Harm spoke to Mattie once and she was getting ready for her physical therapy appointment so they kept it brief. She was still bedridden, but was making progress. After he hung up, he went back to packing.

“Well Dad, you’re gonna love London,” he said as he moved to the window to gaze out as he packed those pictures and others. He thought back over the years with Mac as he spent the day packing. The memories came one after the other...like someone was showing a movie inside his head. He could picture their first meeting and the way he thought she looked like Diane until he saw that something in her eye that set her apart. She took his breath away. He thought about the way she had told him his smile was nice but it wasn’t going to work on her; the way she had told him about her alcoholism; the way she looked rushing up to him like she was going to kiss him when she saw him in his dress whites; the way she got mad at him for ‘sandbagging her’ in court on their first time out; the way she took a short cut to beat him on the path in the park; the way she called his name and then called the ambulance when he realized his knee and head were hurt; the way she felt in his arms when he had hugged her good-bye three times; the way she had responded to his kisses in Norfolk, on the admiral’s porch and under the mistletoe; he could still see her soaking in the tub barely covered by bubbles-she was so beautiful; the way she looked at the Embassy and how she laughed when she said they should go out more often; the way she rested her head on his shoulder; the way she showed up to follow him to Russia twice; the look in her eyes when she told him that she might not be able to have a baby; the way she checked up on him and helped Mattie take care of him when he lost his hearing for awhile; the relief in her face when she realized that he was there with her on Christmas Eve after her accident and that nothing was wrong; and the way she always came to him when she had a crisis. He loved her so much but he needed a sign that she cared for him and was ready to accept his advances. All she had to do was come to him when she was ready, if only she would.

He stopped and look around the apartment. He had made good progress and other then taping up a few boxes and moving them near the door, he was about ready. The bed he would do in the morning along with the last few personal items he owned that would go in his suitcase. Not that much time left now. He wanted to move a few more by the door and have things ready so that the movers didn’t miss a thing. He was taping up another box when he felt Mac’s presence. He looked up and there she was leaning against the open door of his apartment.

“Hey,” he said feeling his heart race hoping this was it.

“Hey yourself. There's something so final about a packed suitcase.”

“Yeah, not to mention an entirely packed apartment. Oh, how about you? You packed?” Harm asked.

“Hmm..not completely....” Mac hesitated as she watched Harm finishing up another box. “Let's talk about..uh..you and me,” she finally got out.

Harm didn’t dare turn around yet. He forced himself to remain calm as he spoke. “Neither one of us. . .”

“...Wants to be the first to say goodbye. Yeah I know the song. We've been singing it for years.”

Harm swallowed and took a deep breath. This was it. His back was still to her as he started to speak. “Mac, I don't think that I'll ever feel about
anyone else the way I feel about you,” he said as turned around slowly, speaking
resignedly. It’s now or never he thought to himself as he watched her and waited.

“That's very flattering. One piece of advice, don't share that with your wife whoever she might be. She might not understand.” Mac smiled and he thought he could see her eyes shiny as if she might be close to tears. He hoped she understood what he was trying to say.

“Do you understand?” he asked, emphasizing the word ‘you’ trying to make her understand that what she understood was what was important here.

“Why we can't make it work? Why we've let fate decide our futures? No. No I don't.”

Harm thought he could detect fear and frustration in her voice, but he surged ahead. He had to make her understand. “Let me ask you a personal question. Of all the men in your life, what was it about them that attracted you?” He prayed she would give him an honest answer. He heard her sign as she perched on the stool at the counter.

“Well they wanted me and they let me know it.” There it was...the very thing he had hoped she would say. This was what had tied him in knots and confused him for so long. Even when he was sure she knew how he felt she gave him no sign of acceptance - just more walls.

“I wanted you...you knew that.” He knew his puzzlement was obvious.

“Harm no woman wants to be a mind reader. And with you there was always complications. Another woman, work, searching for your father...” Mac let her voice trail off as she looked at him. She was right. He had a lot to work through which is why in Sidney he had told her ‘not yet.’ It was one of the reasons that he hadn’t been able to let go back then. He was ready now.

“That's all past.” He waited and watched Mac’s face.

“Is it?”

Harm reached for her hand. He knew it was now or never. “Mac we have twelve hours.” He knew she could hear the plea in his voice. He didn’t care.

She looked up at him her eyes watery but a little smile on her face. “We've had 9 years.”

Humor...this situation called for a little humor Harm thought as he heard the words coming from his own mouth, “I guess maybe I just needed a deadline.”

“Well ya got one Sailor,” she said as she smiled softly and waited, watching him for his next move. This was where Harm would normally crack a joke or change the subject or someone would interrupt them. But not this time. Despite the apartment door being wide open, he moved his head closer to hers. He leaned closer and reached for her as he kissed her with all the love he felt for her, with the desire that he had kept locked up - mostly - until this moment. He heard her whimper as she matched him kiss for kiss. He opened his mouth and covered her again drawing in a ragged breath as he did so. He felt her answering kiss and his tongue sought hers. They broke apart again as he groaned low in his chest before they once again let their mouths mingle neither getting enough to satisfy yet both needing to stop and say more. He felt her hands on his face as he slid his hands around to her back pulling her frame closure to him. They ended the kiss reluctantly while remaining in contact.

“What are you proposing?” Mac asked before adding, “And that's not a Freudian slip.”

He couldn’t stop himself from kissing her again as he realized she understood. He loved the way she felt in under his hands and how her hands felt on him. Before the moment was lost in the passion, he told her that it was exactly what he was planning to do.

“I'm proposing...Let's get married.” She kissed him again with a joy he had only dreamed about as she moved closer between his legs as he perched on the stool, leaning forward and then pulling her toward him as he sat back. Her words that followed seemed to mean she agreed with his proposal as they kissed over and over, letting their tongues mate the way they obviously want to do with their bodies.

He heard her voice then as she pulled back and quietly squeaked, “In London?”

Harm’s heart soared. “London works for me,” as he kissed her again.

Mac rested her forehead against his then and smiled, “San Diego works for me.” Mac smiled as they kissed again briefly as the reality set in, fast and swift.

Harm knew that this was the reason that they had never been able to make it work and he was sure that Mac did also. “This has always been the five hundred pound gorilla in the room.”

“If we get married one of us has to give up their Navy careers,” Mac said aloud what Harm had known for sometime...one reason that he had always put things off...one reason that he had fought so hard with this issue. He wanted her and he loved her. He had given up his career for her to save her life and he was lost without her in it. By a miracle fate had allowed him a second chance at the Navy career he had given up for her life and had even provided him with the chance not to lose time from the service. Now he was being given a chance at promotion and a career boost as the Europe theater JAG.

“Well we could wait until I retire...” Harm smiled as he said it knowing that neither of them would settle for that option.

Mac heard the laughter in his voice and responded in kind, “Yeah what's another decade or so.” Then they were kissing again. When they stopped to take another ragged breath and try to find some control Harm knew that he needed to tell her the words neither of them had yet to say.

“I love you Mac, but I don't want to give up my Navy career and you don't want to give up the Marine Corps.” Harm knew there was a solution but he was struggling to come up with it as he fought to control his desire for the woman in his arms.

“So we're right back where we started?” Mac asked almost as if she was pleading with him for a solution.

The memory of the fortune cookies and the message they had all gotten came roaring back. Fate was the answer.

“Do you believe in fate?” Harm asked as the idea was still forming in his mind.

“Well it put us together sort of...” Mac admitted not sure if she believed in fate or not but willing to consider it if it gave them the solution they sought.

“It could keep us together forever.” Harm calmly told her seeing if she would read his mind one more time but not planning to let her have any doubts about it if she agreed as he moved closer.

Mac saw that one eyebrow raise and the silly grin on his face. He had a plan but she wasn’t sure just what it was. She just knew she wanted to kiss him again and feel his hands on her body. Those large gentle hands that were so warm, so loving. They kissed again and again his mouth and tongue searching hers, urging her to explore and be explored. She was standing between his legs now and there was no doubt the effect their kissing was having on him. Suddenly she knew what the fate was he was talking about.

She pulled back a little her eyes glowing with love as she studied his face...that beautiful face. “Harm talk to me...what is your plan...”

“I know that we would find an answer for the sake of our child...Mac I want to make love to you and I know one night would ever be enough...but if fate saw to it to give us a baby...then I know that we would be together forever - in our child and our hearts.”

“Harm you know that there is a very small chance that I can get pregnant...”

“Yes. But it could happen.”

“And it would be weeks before we would have an answer.”

“And it will be weeks before we can change either of our orders at this point, even if one of us requested terminal leave.”

“So if I get pregnant I quit the Corps?” Mac asked.

“Not necessarily...but having a child together would be permanent and we could request that one of us be transferred closer to the other as soon as possible. Neither of us would have to give up their careers.”

Mac relaxed then leaning her body against his, her arms around his neck and her forehead against his. It was right this time for them. This obstacle wasn’t sending either of them running away. They were looking for ways to work it out. She realized that the words she had long to hear from Harm for so many years had been spoken. He loved her. He showed her he loved her. He had said he loved her. She had yet to say the words herself.

“Harm?”

“Mmmmm,” he kissed her again.

“I love you. Let’s see what fate has in store for us,” she said as she slid one hand down his chest to his obvious arousal as she leaned in to kiss him again.

Harm felt his body surge at her touch. It had been a long time and he feared he wouldn’t last long. He captured her hands in his and stood up backing toward the open apartment door. He pushed it shut and locked it never taking his eyes off her and keeping her hands in one of his.

Once more he leaned in close, covering her mouth with his. He loved the taste of her and her answering passion in each kiss. Their mouth fused together he began to back her toward the steps to his bedroom stopping only when the stack of boxes halted their momentum. He lifted his head and search her face, her eyes. He knew if he saw any doubt or hesitation on her part he would stop. What he saw took his breath away. The desire and love shining in her eyes as she met his look left no room for doubts.

Releasing her hands once more he slid his hands from her hands to her wrists, up her arms to her shoulders and then down her back drawing her to his chest. He held her to him as he looked up a gave a silent prayer of thanks that she was here with him now and felt as strongly for him as he did for her. He felt her arms go around his waist and her body press against his even tighter. His hands slid down her back cupping her six and drawing her hips to his so that she had no doubt how much he wanted her and what she was doing to him. He felt her hands slide up his chest and around his neck as he lowered his head to hers catching her lips in another earth shattering kiss. He lifted her then and she wrapped her legs around his waist as his hands caressed her six and her hands tangled in his hair. He heard her murmur against his lips as he carried her to his bedroom and knelt on the bed.

“Love me Harm.”

“Yes,” was all he could answer as they kissed and caressed while removing each others clothes. He remembered hearing a tearing sound, just before he felt the air on his heated chest followed by her lips tasting him and kissing him while her hands smoothed his muscles. He realized that his body was trembling from sensation already as he reached to remove her bra. Her top was already gone by then. He lowered his head to taste each breast letting his tongue circle the hardened nipples as his hands supported her large firm breasts.

Harm felt her hands at his waist and he quickly reached for hers hoping to get her jeans off before she released him. They managed to strip off their remaining clothes between kisses and caresses. Mac was laying back on the bed now as he positioned himself between her legs, letting his hands slide up her thighs toward the apex and then sliding to the outside and lifting her hips to align them as he nudged his throbbing erection toward her heat. He slowly eased himself deeper and deeper into her silken core as she wrapped her legs around his back again, drawing him in deeper. He felt her heels resting on his six. Lowering his head he kissed her again as he began to move looking for the tempo that was right for both of them.

He heard her the little sounds she made and their breathing as he felt her body tighten around him. As she began to crest during her climax, he said a little prayer that fate would allow them to be together forever and that this love they shared and expressed so freely to one another to night would produce a baby that would someday look like her with his brains or look like him with her brains. In that moment he felt his release explode through him as he called her name.

They lay wrapped in each others arms and legs waiting for their hearts to return to normal and their breathing to regulate. He kissed her temple and soothed his hands over her naked back, loving the silky texture. He felt her lips on his chest again. He had never been one for ideal cuddling, and now he didn’t think he could ever get enough of it, not with Mac. His gung-ho semper fi Marine that purred like a kitten in his arms.

“Harm we should have had a party for your promotion.”

“Not necessary...but we should have invited our friends for a farewell drink.”

“What will we tell them? We’re going to wait and see if I’m pregnant to decide what to do?” Mac asked.

“No...I think we should tell them we’re getting married and that we’re going to let fate decide where,” Harm explained.

“And when they ask how fate will do that?” Mac prompted him.

“We’ll toss a coin.” Harm paused. He wasn’t sure where that came from...it was just there. He knew that if the only way he could have Mac was to give up his commission, his new promotion, he would do it. He also knew that he needed to talk to her about the role Mattie would have in their life. “Mac...there’s something else I need to talk to you about.”

Mac looked up at him, wondering at this new closeness and trust that seemed to have solidified as they admitted to loving one another. “What is it?”

“Mattie...”

“Harm, she is not a complication between us. I told you, you’re a good Dad, and I know that where you are Mattie will be there too. You see, Mattie and I talked once before she went back to Tom...she asked me to take care of you for her...not let you get lonely. We also agreed to get to know each other better.”

“I didn’t know...neither of you ever said anything.” Harm murmured as he brushed his lips across her forehead. “So you don’t mind that we’ll be starting married life with a teenage daughter?”

“Think you can handle having Chloe to come to visit sometimes, too?” Mac asked with a smile knowing his answer before he laughed and kissed her quickly.

“I can’t wait.”

“Harm, it’s getting late. Do you think its too late to round up the crew to meet us at McMurphy’s?”

“Let’s call Bud and Harriet...tell them first. We can see what they think.” Harm suggested reaching for the phone.

They held the phone between them so them could both hear.

“Hello,” Harriet said when she answered.

“”Harriet, it’s Harm...and Mac...is Bud right there?” Harm asked.

“Yes...just a minute...”

“Harriet? We have something to tell you guys so stay on the lone?” Mac spoke next.

“Bud! Pick up the other line...it’s Harm and Mac.” Harriet called.

“Good evening sir...Ma’am,” Bud said cheerfully as he picked up.

“We wanted the two of you to be the first to know...we’re getting married.” Harm spoke and then they waited for the news to sink in.

“That’s great! Do you know when or where yet?” Bud asked as Harriet kept repeating in the background, “O-my-gosh, o-my-gosh!”

“That’s the tricky part Bud...we want to let fate decide...do you think its too late to have everyone get together at McMurphy’s in say an hour?”

“No I think we can do that.”

“We’re going to settle it tonight with a flip of a coin. We want you to flip it for us.”

“I’ve got just the right coin...its one the Admiral gave me.” Bud told them.

“Perfect...We’ll see you at McMurphy’s at twenty-two hundred hours.” Harm hung up the phone.

“I’m going to run home, shower and change. I want to celebrate in style! I’ll meet you there, okay?” Mac whispered against his lips.

“Okay...I’ll call Jen and have her get a hold of General Creswell.”

“Harm...have her call Sturgis too...I know you’ve had problems, but he’s known how I felt about you for three years...I want him to be there.”

“Okay. I’ll do it. Hey, I thought I’d wear mess dress seeing as how my dress whites don’t do anything for you,” Harm grinned.

“I’d like that. And I’ll dress accordingly.” Mac slipped into her clothes while Harm watched. Dropping another kiss on his lips before she left, she added, “And I’ll pack a bag so I can come back here with you later. I’m not letting you out of my sight until I have too.”

“Good. See you at McMurphy’s.” Harm reached for the phone after he heard the door shut. “Jennifer...It’s Harm...look I know its late but I need you, Sturgis and General Creswell to be at McMurphy’s tonight as close to twenty-two hundred as you can.”

“What’s going on?”

“It’s a surprise. Will you do it?”

“I’ll do my best sir.”

“I want Creswell there, Coates...that’s an order.”

“Yes sir. I’ll get right on it.”

“Thanks Jen.”

He headed for the bathroom. It was time for a shower. He knew he was grinning like a Cheshire cat and he didn’t care. He was the happiest he had been in a long time...maybe ever.

Despite still being emerged in the afterglow of making love with Harm, Mac found herself deep in thought as she drove back to Georgetown. Something was troubling her and she couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was. While she waited for the light to change, memories of their nine years together and her past relationships began to dance through her mind.

She remembered the way Harm had put his career on the line to help her with her Uncle Matt on the very first case they worked together so that she would not have to give up her career. She remembered how she had gotten the Admirals permission to go to Russia with Harm. She remembered the way he had stood by her when she left JAG and then when she wanted to return, his friendship and support always there. He was there when the stalker was after her and she slipped off the wagon and said horrible things to him when she was drunk. He found her and drew her out when she wanted to hide from the world, assuring her that he didn’t think less of her for being human. She remembered Harm always trying to do the honorable thing and she’s torment him and call im a prude. She smiled thinking how wrong she was.

After tonight she would never think of him as a prude. She thought about her relationship with Mic Brumby. She had hated it when he paraded her in front of his bosses and their families. She had refused to ask for a transfer to be closer to Australia so he wouldn’t have had to give up his career. She had told him she loved him, but her actions hadn’t told him that. Mic had known then what she was just beginning to realize. Words had come easier for her then actions. But her words and actions didn’t match. When Harm had asked her if she loved Brumby, she had side stepped his questions at first before saying she did.

Mac remembered Harm manipulating the admiral’s orders when Bud had been hurt so that they could stay there together waiting for word. Harm had disobeyed a direct order, by agreeing that she would replace Bud in his billet, and then had stayed anyway. He had stayed strong for her, Coates, Bud, Harriet everyone, until he knew that Bud was out of the woods. And then he had crumbled and finally allowed her in to provide the comfort to him that he had been giving to everyone else. They had been so close that night before he had to leave on the next outgoing COD.

As she parked her car and hurried into her apartment, she was beginning to see the light. She had asked Harm what he was willing to give up for her one time and then hadn’t even waited around to hear his answer. When he gave up his career to go find her and ended up saving her life and Webb’s, he had shown her what he was willing to do for her. She hadn’t taken it seriously because he hadn’t used the words she wanted to hear. He had hidden behind ambiguous statements like “I think you know.”

Clay had not hesitated to tell her he loved her, but he wouldn’t give up his job for her. Even though she knew what he did she had tried to change him so that she would have it all - the way she wanted it. She stepped into the shower and quickly washed her hair and body, rinsing off as quickly as she could. She remembered the night that she had blurted out “I love you,” to Clayton Webb. She had told Harm that even though she had told Clay she loved him, she didn’t know if she did. Yet she had known she loved Harm three years ago when she had told Sturgis. And she had told Harm tonight after he had proposed and after he had said he loved her...the words that she needed to hear.

As she dried off with a large fluffy towel, she remembered her conversation with Harriet. She had told her that sometimes she wished she had Harriet’s life. At the time she thought maybe it because Harriet was happy, married, and had children. But now, Mac knew it was more then that. Harriet had chosen to give up her career to support her husband and to raise her family. She hadn’t lost it in a bet. She did it out of love.

As Mac slipped her into her red silk underwear and matching strapless bra, she took the time to toss the remainder of her personal items in to her luggage. She had her travel clothes for tomorrow already in her bag along with her comfortable shoes. Quickly applying her make-up, Mac slipped the red dress over her head and her feet into the strappy silvery high heels. She was ready. She was about to close this chapter on her life. It was time to go to McMurphy’s and come face to face with her future husband and fate.

McMurphy's was fairly quiet this night as Harm arrived at the bar and took a seat at the bar. The bartender, Joanna, asked what he wanted and he choose a draft beer. “What put that smile on your face?” she asked.

Harm paused not wanting to say, “I just got laid, even though it was the truth, so he opted for the safer truth, “Well I just got engaged. At least I think I did.”

“Don't you think you ought to find out?” Joanna asked.

“That’s kind of why I'm here now.” Harm told her. Just then a movement caught his eyes and he turned to see Mac enter wearing a beautiful red dress. She had told him she was going to dress accordingly, so he had thought she meant that she would wear her dress uniform, as he had. He stood up to meet her, their eyes meeting as she drew closer. She walked with such confidence and purpose that his pride in her threatened to overwhelm him.

He heard her breathy “Hey,” as she reached up to exchange a quick light kiss with him. She felt his arm around her back as she took a seat next to him.

“What’s your pleasure?” Joanna had asked.

“Soda with a twist.”

“Figures a guy like him would be with a girl like you,” the bartender commented.

“We're still working on that,” Mac smiled.

“So that makes you the almost fiancee?”

“That's the part we're working on,” Mac smiled at her.

“I don't see a ring.”

“We're negotiating that.”

“Lucky You.”

Mac looked at Harm,”Yeah lucky me.” Mac turned to look at Harm and he thought he was going to ravish her there on the spot. She was so beautiful and he could see the love she had for him in her eyes.

Bud and Harriet came through the door greeting them. Harriet immediately hugged Mac while Bud shook hands with Harm.

“This is turning into a very special evening isn’t it sir?”

“Yes it is. Thank you for coming on such short notice.” Harm told them.

“We wouldn’t have missed this,” Harriet said as she leaned over to exchange a kiss on the cheek. “O-my-gosh,” Harriet said again putting her hand to her face in wonder at this latest development.

Mac held up her arms to hug Bud. When he stepped back, Harm took their drink orders and placed them just as Jennifer Coates and Sturgis Turner came through the door.

“Why are we here again?” Sturgis asked.

“It's a surprise.”

“Hey the gangs all here,” Mac called as the Jen and Sturgis joined them.

“What will you have - on me?” Harm asked.

“Bloody Mary,” answered Jen.

“Martini,” responded Sturgis figuring he was owed more then a beer at this point.

“Joanna, I need a Bloody Mary and a Martini.”

Creswell arrives and looks at Jennifer Coates, “I thought you said you had a flat tire and didn’t have a spare.”

“Captain Rabb ordered me to get you here sir, so I lied. It wouldn’t have been the same without you, even if you don’t think so.”

“What you drinking General?” Harm asked.

“Martini - dry...thank you. Colonel I understand you're taking my petty officer to San Diego.” Creswell added.

“I haven't found the right moment to ask the Colonel sir,” squirmed Jennifer Coates.

“I would love to take her sir, with your blessing of course.” Mac smiled from one to the other momentarily forgetting that she might not be going to San Diego after all.

“Well that's if the Colonel is actually going to San Diego,” Harm injected.

“You're not thinking of turning down the assignment?” asked Creswell as all heads turned toward Harm and Mac.

Harm stood up, pulling Mac up and into his arms. “Mac and I have an announcement to make...” he paused and then when they were all looking at them, “We're getting married.”

Mac looked up at him with love shining from her eyes.

“Outstanding! I knew you'd finally come around to the Marines,” grinned the General.

Mac added, “In either London or San Diego...”

“For this marriage to be successful one of us has to resign our commission...”

“And it's no surprise we couldn't decide which one...”

“So we're going to let fate decide...” Harm finished. Their friends stood around them as they still held on to each other. “Bud?”

“When Admiral Chegwidden retired, he gave me his JAG coin and I thought this would be the perfect moment to use it.” Harm and Mac hugged again as Bud spoke. “Here is the side with heads...” as he showed them the scales of justice and the word JAG, “...and this is the side with tails. The bride-to-be will call it.”

Mac looked up at Harm. He was still okay with this and not suspecting anything but to have their friends witness ‘fate’ decide where they were to marry and who would give up their commission. He nodded that he was ready for her to make the call.

“Tails.”

Bud was grinning from ear to ear as he told the gathered group, “I always wanted to do this at the Super Bowl.” He flipped the coin and they all looked up watching the coin rotating to the apex and then almost in slow motion it began its descent.

Mac focused on the coin, gauging its rate of descent. She remembered the feel of Harm’s hand on her stomach for just that brief second when they were explaining to their friends about letting fate make their decision. As the coin reached eye level, her hand shot out and caught the coin. The gasp from their friends was audible. She felt Harm’s arms tighten around her in disbelief.

“I’m sorry Harm...I can’t let the decision be made by a coin. I’ve made the decision this time.”

“Mac...”

“Harm please...hear me out...” she still stood in his embrace, one hand rested against his chest while the other held the infamous coin. She had turned in his embrace so she was facing him. “I’ve given this a lot of thought Harm and I know what I want. You see to be with Dalton, I had to leave JAG. I hated it and I vowed I would never give up my career for a man again. I’ve stuck by that.” She could feel the tension in Harm and knew she would lose him if she didn’t hurry. “But this time I’m giving up my career for love...for family...General, I know it takes time in the military to make things happen...and I appreciate the faith you, the Commandant and the SecNav put in me...but I have to refuse the assignment...as a matter of fact, I need to request emergency leave effective immediately.”

“Mac we agreed that the coin would decide where we would get married...are you sure?”

“Yes. You expected me to wear my dress uniform tonight, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“This is why I didn’t. Harm, I’ve always been quick to say the words...but I’ve never been good at matching my actions to my words. I asked the men in my life to give up things to prove they loved me. You’ve done that over and over again. I’ve stood by you over the years, but I’ve never put it all on the line for you, the way you have for me. You made me understand that when you love someone, you don’t have to prove yourself over and over; You don’t keep score over each other; when you love each other you take turns being there when the other one needs love and support. It took me awhile to understand that. Harriet and I were talking the other day and I told her that sometimes I wished I had her life. You offered me that tonight. I want that. I want you. I want to share Mattie with you. I don’t need a uniform or a career to define who I am anymore. I need you in my life. I don’t care where we go as long as we go together.”

“I love you so much Mac. If you’re sure...” Harm held her still, but the fear that had crept into his body had gone again.

Mac turned in his embrace then. “General, is it possible to take emergency leave and begin terminal leave as soon as possible?”

“Well seeing as I forced this issue by sending you six thousand miles apart, I guess I can activate the back up plan. Commander Turner, you will be TAD to San Diego beginning tomorrow until I can get the Commandant and SecNav’s approval on a replacement for Colonel Mackenzie. Lt. Commander Roberts, be prepared to work long hours and carry a heavy caseload until I can get us some help. Good luck Captain Rabb and Congratulations,” he added as he shook Harm’s hand. “I need to get back to work in order to make this so.”

“Thank you General,” Mac responded.

“Consider it a wedding gift. Besides, if my wife caught wind that I tried to stand in the way of true love, she would have my hide. Stop by JAG in the morning to pick up the necessary papers before you go.”

“Wow! You guys keep the surprises going don’t you,” Jen laughed.

Sturgis finished his drink and set his glass down. “Seeing as I am now going TAD to accommodate you Colonel, I best take my leave also. Harm, I wish you luck...and Mac...Congratulations. I’m glad the secret is out.” As the others chuckled, Harm and Mac embraced and watched Sturgis take his leave.

“Guess I won’t be going to San Diego now. The General’s really going to need me here.”

“Yes he is, Jen.”

“Does Mattie know?” Jen asked.

“Not yet. We’re driving down tomorrow morning before we have to leave to tell her in person.” Harm explained. We’ll get settled first and then when the doctor says she’s ready we’ll bring her over to be with us. We’ll have to be here for the court hearing in a couple of weeks. We hope that they’ll let her go home with us then.”

“You know, we need to amend the court papers as well so that we can have dual custody.” Mac smiled as she snuggled against Harm’s chest loving the feel of his hands caressing her lower back and the higher part of her six.

“I am so happy for you two. You really look happy this time...I can see this difference this time.” Harriet told her.

“You know what?” Harm started. “In Virginia there is not waiting for a marriage license. I think we should get married tonight...drive down to Blacksburg and see Mattie early so we can get back here in time for our flight.”

“I don’t have a ticket!” Mac exclaimed.

“I can take care of that for you Ma’am. I can give you the information when you stop to get your leave papers tomorrow,” Jen informed her.

“My flight was at eleven hundred tomorrow. Can you get it changed to a later flight?” asked Harm.

“I’ll try.” Jen hugged them both and headed out the door on a mission.

“So Mac...what do you think of marrying me tonight?”

“Wearing a red dress?” Harriet squealed.

“She’s beautiful,” Harm told Harriet.

“Where are we going to get a license and who is going to marry us?” Mac asked.

“City Hall is opened until midnight tonight so you should be able to get a license without a problem.” Bud informed them.

“And isn’t Judge Sebring a Justice of the Peace in Virginia?” Harriet asked.

“So is Judge Helfman,” added Bud.

“Either of them would be perfect,” Mac admitted. “We need to get rings!”

“Oh...yeah...I almost forgot.” Harm reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. Inside was an engagement ring and wedding band nestled together. “I bought this awhile ago. I hope you like it.”

Mac looked at the rings and then into Harm’s eyes. “They’re beautiful.” Harm took the engagement ring and slid it onto her left hand as Harriet and Bud looked on enthralled by their two friends so much in love.

“Will you marry me...tonight?” Harm asked her again.

“Yes.” The light in her eyes glistened as they gazed into each others eyes once again.

They kissed and just as he started to deepen the kiss, Bud announced, “Captain I think you need to save that for later. You go get the license and then call my cell phone and I’ll see who I can get to marry you tonight.”

“Thanks Bud.”

“Harriet?” Mac asked, “Will you stand up for us?”

“We’d be honored. Now go get the license.”

Harm and Mac embraced and kissed once again before they got in his car. Harriet had agreed to drive Mac’s car back to her place and leave it. Together they went to City Hall and got the license and then headed to Harm’s to get his overnight bag. Mac waited in th