Title: Promises to Keep

Author: Hollyjp

Summary: Harm examines his restlessness and feelings of being unsettled. He handles them the only way he knows how…he investigates his own life, identifies the problems and then sets about fixing things.

Spoilers: All previous shows and spoilers for season 9 might be included.

Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.

Promises to Keep

North of Union Station

Harm’s Apartment

Once again Harm rolled over and looked at the clock. It was only fifteen minutes since he had last looked. Sleep was not coming again tonight. The past months of turmoil and uncertainty had caught up with him. During the day he was able to act mostly like himself and did his job without too many problems. He admitted that he was sometimes distracted. In his honest moments he knew that he was dealing again with the effects of post traumatic stress. He had dealt with it many times in his life, but for the most part he did deal with it in his own way and allowed himself to heal. He bounced back from trauma. It was who he had become…Harmon Rabb, survivor. He knew that there were things he liked about himself and took pride in. He hoped it off set the darker moments he like anyone that led an adventurous life had. But this time, he was feeling something new that he hadn’t identified as yet. It left him puzzled, restless, unable to sleep and determined to get back on track.

The question was, “How was he going to do that?” He let his investigative mind take over as he lay in the darkened bedroom and waited for sleep or morning to arrive. One would sooner or later. So instead of exhausting himself more by tossing and turning he relaxed in his bed and gave himself permission to think. He released a sigh before getting to work on the puzzle that his life had become. Where and when had things started to build up?

The year following Bud’s accident had been rough yet seeing Bud fighting to make it back had been encouraging. Bud and Harriet were expecting another child. Harriet was having a difficult pregnancy and he was sure that her own stress at having her husband nearly die, concern about whether or not they could swing that mansion of a house that she just had to have, and thinking about the tragic ending of her last pregnancy when baby Sarah had died just moments after her birth were all contributing factors. He was concerned about his friends but he didn’t see their situation as causing him these sleepless hours.

Sergei, his half-brother, returning to Russia bothered him a little. Although he understood his need to be near his mother and surrounded by his native language and customs, he was sorry that things had not worked out better for them. They acknowledged each other as brother and they shared the loss of a father. They had inherited some similar characteristics, including their wide grins and twinkling eyes, and had been raised to be proud of their heritage. In some ways perhaps it spoke to the similarities between Harm’s mother and Sergei’s. Although Harmon Rabb Senior had lost hope of ever getting home to his wife and son, he had found the goodness and caring nature in another woman with stubborn pride and steely determination. Those genes had been passed from mother to son in both cases.

Harm had to admit that it had been too late for him to be the big brother to Sergei and that it had caused the riff between them that sent Sergei running home to Russia. At least Sergei didn’t hold grudges and had once again reached out to his big brother by asking him to be his best man at his wedding. Harm was determined that this time he would treat Sergei as a grown man and friend. He hoped that in time they would get closer. Sergei’s existence in his life wasn’t causing the turmoil and it gave him a positive thing to look forward to.

He couldn’t think of Sergei without thinking about the now deceased Singer. He had been so sure that Singer had seduced his little brother and was carrying the next Rabb heir. It was scary to think about what Loren Singer’s child would have endured had she lived and given birth. It was a shame that she and her baby had met with such a tragic ending. He shuddered to think how close he came to being convicted of murder. She had made him angry and he had behaved badly. He was ashamed of himself and shocked to see what a negative effect that woman had on him.

He had had a lot of time to think in the brig. He had been denied any contact with his friends and talked to no one other then his lawyer, the prosecution, the guards and the investigators. The trial was a relief in that at least he got to see a few of his friends, even if they didn’t get to talk. Yet while he was in there he had time to reflect on himself and his situation. He had found that he was a man of principle and honor, despite being a fool at times. He recognized that there were people that could push a person beyond the boundaries of reason. He also knew that those times he had grabbed Loren’s arm in anger and frustration, that he had been aware immediately that he was loosing control and had pulled back. He knew that Bud and Jen had witnessed those two times and yet he also knew that no matter how it had looked, he would never have done more then that. He instead turned his anger and frustration into himself. He had ended up in a mess first because he had been convinced that Singer’s child had a connection to him and secondly because he wouldn’t back down. He was so pigheaded about it that he was further frustrated when Singer tried to ignore him. He now realized that Loren Singer may have been able to provoke him because she thrived on needling people and setting them up. Look at the sneaky maneuvers she had pulled on Mac, Kate, Bud, Harriet and who knew who else. She had probably sought to get revenge on him as he was the one that caught her or at least challenged her innocence on some of the past situations.

Revenge…he had once told Mac that there was a quote about “revenge being best served up cold” after they had talked about Lindsey wanting to get revenge on all of them, but mostly him. That had almost come back to haunt him when Singer’s body had been found and he was arrested for murder. How Mac had avoided having to testify against him he wasn’t sure. He knew the law and knew that witnesses were not allowed to discuss cases or interact with the defendants before a trial, but still the fact that one of his attempts to find truth and protect family had backfired.

In the end he had hurt Mac again when she found out that he had not shared with her what he suspected and swore he knew. Although his relationship with Mac had been still up in the air, he had been encouraged most of the time that they were getting things on track…at least until the trial and the mission. He may never know now if Mac had followed orders because they were orders or because she was mad at him and wanted her own revenge. Mac wasn’t that petty to punish him like that. The fact she came to see him as soon as she could get away after he got home from the brig, despite her impending assignment to Paraguay, was proof that she cared about him.

Mac…Sarah…Ninja-girl…Marine…what ever he called her, even “sweet thing” he knew two things for sure. She was his best friend and he wanted her in his life forever. There were so many complications for them to have the kind of relationship he would only admit to himself that he wanted. Although dating was not a problem, marriage would be. They were in the same chain of command and because they were both lawyers it limited their options. Not only that he liked being able to work cases together and run the office together. They had brought Bud Roberts along as an investigator and then as a lawyer. They also had brought Jen Coates into the fold and shared pride in her growth as if they were parents watching their child make good decisions as they moved through their teenage years into adulthood.

Harm smiled to himself as he remembered the promise he had made to Mac over four years ago now. They had talked about it a couple of times since. Once had been on the admiral’s porch at the engagement party and the other time had been this past winter in Mac’s office. He knew she was thinking that the idea scared him and that he was having second thoughts. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When he had made the promise to her “to go halves on a kid,” it had been with the intent that they would be married. He hadn’t shared his whole plan with her but in his mind he would return to flight status, correspond with her while he was gone, date her when he was in port and then before being deployed again, getting engaged so they could be married when he returned. By then he would probably have to take a job training pilots and would be stationed mostly near shore. Once they were married they could start a family and he had figured that their first child would be born within five to six years which was why he had established the timeline he had.

So much had changed since then. She had been so upset with him for leaving and had not responded to several of his emails and he had never mailed some of the hand written letters he had written to her. He knew she had been busy picking up his caseload. She had been paired with Brumby who had pressured her to see him socially. Bud and Harriet had kept him informed of things at JAG in their correspondence at first, but they were busy with their family and soon their news tapered off. Time went on long enough that Harm just decided to put things on the back burner until he could find out what was happening. Then Mac had shown up on the carrier and he discovered she now out ranked him.

There was a new complication. Now dating was a sticky issue as they did not have an already established relationship at the time of the promotion. Then the Buxton case happened and Harm got the word from Captain Pike that although he was a good pilot he was in a dead-end career as a pilot because he had so little airtime and combat missions as compared to his younger counterparts. He had known that going in but he had hoped that there would be a miracle and things would work out. So he had ended up back at JAG with no idea how to alter his plans to make things work out with Mac.

Then had come the adjustment to being back at JAG where life had gone on without him again. Mac and Brumby had hit their stride and that didn’t set well. He knew that sometimes investigations could be dangerous and that he and Mac had backed each other up over the years. Somehow he didn’t trust that Brumby would be able to do that as well. He feared for his friend Mac.

While he had been gone Mac had reached a new level of confidence in her profession. She was stronger as a person in some ways and more relaxed as a person then she had been. He was no longer able to dictate their investigations as he had, because Mac now had her own ideas and insisted in being heard. They had hit some rough spots in their interactions. After some turbulence things were smoothed out and he had received his promotion. The rank complications had once again disappeared.

There were so many unanswered questions when they had ended up in Australia. He was always careful not to let his personal life interfere with his naval career. So he figured that once they got home, he would again be able to focus on the complications and come up with a game plan to work things out. Then Mac had pushed for a fling with him and he wasn’t ready to take that step. He was sure she would understand when he told her he wasn’t ready to let go yet. He found out that what he thought he had said, she hadn’t heard.

More than a year he had to live with the knowledge that she didn’t feel about him the way he felt about her. Then at her engagement party they had finally had the talk they should have had months sooner. The turmoil they were both in had resulted in his mouth running away from him while she got stubborn and clammed up. He knew he had to get back as he had promised, which in turn left him swimming in the cold Atlantic Ocean and Brumby questioning Mac’s love for him.

When Brumby had walked away, leaving Mac raw and hurting, he had wanted to comfort her. As usual their timing was off and Renee had needed him when her father died. His sense of honor and duty had prevented him from breaking things off with her then, but in hindsight he knew he should have found a way to be there for Mac too.

Slowly they had returned to their friendship and this year Harm was hoping to address some of those remaining complications. In February he had suddenly realized that he had very little time to work out the complications, set the stage so that she would agree to his proposal and have a wedding. He wanted all of that before they brought a child into this world.

In February he and Mac had talked about how expensive raising a child is and that civilian law could be an answer. Harm also knew he did not want to be tied to only the court room. Although he loved the law, loved the challenge of being in the court room and influencing a jury, he loved the investigation and field work even more. He thought they were starting to move forward. He was finding it easier and easier to open up to Mac about his past. He was expressing his feelings little by little as well.

Then everything had fallen apart. The trial and the mission that Mac went on and her closeness to Clayton Webb; the admiral’s refusal to allow him to go without giving up the navy; Catherine Gale’s need for a husband – even a fake one; the “wedding kiss” had reminded him that it had been a long two years since he had shared a physical relationship with a woman; Kershaw’s deal so that he could find Mac; and Mac’s insistence when they talked- correction argued - in Paraguay that he could only express himself during pressure situations and she wanted him to prove to her that he was in this for the long haul before she’d stick her neck out again and admit to anything so he could use it against her .

Here he was almost forty years old, never married (the farce to benefit Ms. Gayle’s mother did not count), not knowing how to develop the relationship he wanted with the woman he loved, discontent with the navy and a life he had always loved, almost sent to prison by the same system he used every day in his job, and not able to recall a time in recent memory where he had just enjoyed life. He turned his head toward the clock on the bedside table. He wasn’t surprised to see that it was almost time to get up and get ready for work.

No decisions to make as to what to wear. He would get up, shower, shave and dress in his navy blue uniform. When he arrived at JAG he would park in his usual place and enter the building, arriving at his office to put away his brief case and cover. There would be time to get a cup of coffee and a bagel from the kitchen before the staff meeting at 0900. He would refill his coffee before he would join his colleagues at the table. He would sit to the admiral’s right as usual and Mac would sit next to him or across from him depending whether she was feeling like she was on his team or in competition with him.

The admiral would ask for updates, assign new cases and set the tone for the week. He would dismiss them and they would return to their offices after checking the court schedule if it wasn’t posted before the staff meeting. Predictable, routine, and orderly – that was his life at JAG and that’s what he had been told to expect when he had been allowed to return to the Navy after Paraguay. Adventurous field investigations and cloak and dagger CIA missions had ended. He was to assume the role of the senior litigator, mentoring new investigators, paralegals and new lawyers. He would in fact be considered an administrator, although he would still litigate in court. It sounded boring and as if he was being punished after saving the lives of three people he knew and countless others by risking everything to destroy the missiles.

Harm knew it was time to make some changes in his life and he figured some little things at first would be a good start. He didn’t want to jump into anything to big to start with. Seeing he was awake, he decided getting to headquarters a little early or at least on time, would be a great place to start.

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Mac saw the SUV come up behind her as she cleared the guard house and proceeded to her parking space at JAG. She parked her car and got out waiting for her partner and hero to join her. It was rare they arrived at the same time. She was usually early and he was usually late. Maybe it was a good sign that they were in the same book, if not on the same page, this time.

Mac was still recovering from the stress of her mission in Paraguay. Knowing that a man was being tortured to within an inch of his life to try and protect her, seeing the missionaries shot at point blank range, nearly being tortured herself until her hero charged in to rescue her at the last second, and then surviving the plane crash after it was riddled from ground fire and debris had taken its toll on Sarah Mackenzie as it would have anyone. She had survived it with less distress then some people would have. She was probably more distressed to know that Harm had given up a career in the Navy to come after her and while he had been able to resume his career he appeared less than enthralled by the prospect. They had both been back several weeks now and as usual they were coasting.

Following the crash, before returning to the United States, they had had a talk - correction an argument - about their status. She accepted the blame for most of it as she had insisted that he could only express himself as a last resort and that she wanted to know that his interest in her was real and lasting. She had explained to him that he needed to show her that he could be there for her in more than a crisis situation before she’d stick her neck out again and admit to anything so he could use it against her as he had so often ending up doing in the past. She knew now that she had put unnecessary pressure on him. She could have just said, ‘Harm I want us to move into a real relationship and see if what everyone keeps saying they see is really there, but I will need time to be sure because of mistakes we’ve both made.” Mac shrugged to herself and accepted that it was too late now to retract her words and she could only go on and hope that a chance to make things right presented itself.

Mac watched her partner park in his spot next to her and step out of his SUV. “Morning Harm. No Corvette this morning?”

“Not today…it’s in need of a serious tune-up and it’s beyond what I have the inclination to tackle. Is yours running alright?” Harm asked trying to follow her lead so that the conversation didn’t get to heavy. With all his soul searching last night and his lack of sleep he knew if he wasn’t very careful he could make a serious verbal blunder with Mac. He’d made so many in the past that he really didn’t want to risk another one…especially as she had told him that if he truly cared about her he wouldn’t say those things that hurt her so much.

“Just great…” Mac sighed as the conversation seemed to end. Glancing at Harmon Rabb Junior it suddenly dawned on Mac that something wasn’t right. “Harm, are you okay?”

“Yeah, Mac. I’m fine, just a little tired.”

“Not sleeping?”

“Not last night…or the night before. I’m sure I’ll crash tonight and sleep fine.” Harm tried to reassure her or himself. He wasn’t sure which it was.

“Harm, I hope you don’t ‘crash’ but I do hope you get some sleep. Is something bothering you?”

“Yeah…I spend most of last night trying to figure out exactly what it was that was bothering me.”

“And did you figure it out?” Mac asked as they stepped into the elevator to take them to JAG Ops bull pen area and their offices.

“Yes and No…Mac are you busy later – after work?”

“I should be free from about 1700 on. What would you like?”

“I’m not sure…maybe to talk and maybe just to hang-out and of course dinner. You interested?”

“Let’s see, time spent with my friend Harm or time on my own…well it’s a tough decision…I guess I’ll take my chances and spend some time with you.”

“Thanks…I’ll pick you up at your place around 1730.”

“Jeans?”

“Yeah…go for comfort, okay?”

“I can’t wait…Morning, Bud. How are Harriet and the baby?”

“They are doing well, Ma’am. The baby actually slept through the night again last night. Little AJ is a very proud big brother and he’s taking credit for convincing his sister to sleep all night.”

Harm, Mac and Bud shared a laugh before moving on to their day. Harm realized that he had done two things today already that didn’t fit the pattern for him of a normal day at JAG. First he had arrived early (well okay not early but on time) and he had asked Mac to spend time with him after hours with no reason in mine other than just to spend time together. He smiled to himself, pleased with his progress at trying to make some changes in his life. He hoped that it would help him find the answers to some of the problems he had thought about during his sleepless hours of reflection.

45 minutes later

The staff meeting was winding down. It looked like things were remaining calm for another week. The admiral was preparing to dismiss everyone when Harm asked to speak to him in his office follow the meeting. The admiral agreed and then dismissed the staff. Harm followed his commanding officer to his office and took a seat as Admiral Chegwidden indicated as they entered the office.

“Okay, Commander. What’s going on?”

“Well sir, I would like permission to leave early today to take care of some personal business.”

“Are you planning to leave the country?”

“No sir.”

“Are you going to rescue someone?”

“In a way, sir,” Harm smiled a little, mostly to himself.

“Explain yourself, Mr. Rabb.”

“Sir, you asked me what I would give up to keep Colonel Mackenzie after I brought her home. Right now I can honestly tell you I’ve given up a lot of sleep. I don’t sleep because I am trying to figure out how to uncomplicated our lives so we can have a chance to be together. I also have decided that there are things in my own live that don’t feel right anymore and I have to decide what to do about them before I can offer to share my life with…anyone. I think I need to rescue me.” Harm waited and watched the Admiral as he thought about what his top investigative lawyer had to say.

“Harm, I know Mac has had some help dealing with the aftermath of that assignment. I never thought about you needing some help as well.”

“Thank you sir, but I have gotten some help as well, and I know from past experience that the most important thing for me to do is face the situation and dissect it and analyze it until I can figure out how to handle it. It’s when I ignore things that I end up obsessing about them in unhealthy ways.”

“I’m not sure staying awake all night is healthy Commander.”

“No sir, but facing the things that were eating at me had to be done.”

“And did you come up with any answers?”

“A few things sir, but I need to take care of a few things today and then maybe I can start making decisions about how to uncomplicate…things.”

“And what kind of things are eating at you Harm?”

“Sir, the situation with Mac is only a piece of what I‘m dealing with. I discovered that some of the truths about myself are proving to be a little uncomfortable to live with. I’m trying to find out why. My time in the brig started the self-reflection and then figuring out how to deal with my panic over Mac being gone…well that led to me doing things that I never thought I would do. Then Mac said some stuff to me afterward that drove home the need for me to really think about what my life has become and how that compares to what I thought my life would be. I’m not getting any younger and it’s time to set things right.”

“Alright Harm. If you need to talk about anything, off the record, you have my home number. Secure your station and report back at 0800 tomorrow.”

“Aye, aye, sir.” Harm came to attention and the admiral dismissed him. He smiled to himself as he left his office. He was actually going to take time from his duties for himself. That was a first and it felt good.

1300 EST

Washington, D.C.

Harm pulled into the garage driving the SUV to check on the progress with the Corvette. While he was waiting for the service manager her started wandering around the showroom looking at the motorcycles and sports cars on display there. One bike caught his attention more then the others. It was a Harley Davidson and it looked to be loaded with power and extras. The helmets that came with it were wired for sound so that the driver and his passenger could talk while riding or listen to music while enjoy the wind on the face. Harm remembered the last time he had ridden a motorcycle. He and Keeter had spent a day test driving a variety of bikes for a lark. Both had ridden and kept valid licenses for years but at the time neither had a bike. Keeter had crashed his last one and not replaced it yet and Harm had sold his when he got the Corvette. Harm looked at the price tag just as the service manager came out.

“Mr. Rabb, I’ve got good and bad news sir. We found the problem with the vette and it is relatively minor and inexpensive to fix.”

“And the bad news?”

“It’s going to be at least a week before we can get the part to fix it.”

“A week? Wow…guess that changes my plans.”

“Sorry about that sir…I’ll call you when its ready.”

“Thank you…” Harm thought for a moment and as the man started to walk away he stopped him, “Wait! What would you give me for a deal if I was to trade the Corvette for this bike?”

“You want to sell me the Corvette and buy this bike?”

“Yeah, if I can swing it. How much?”

“Well you did a nice job restoring it and it is a classic…I think we could come up with something we both can live with. Come on in the office.”

An hour later

Harm had gone home and changed into jeans and a t-shirt and grabbed his leather jacket. He put on his boots and made sure he had the necessary papers before calling the taxi to take him back to the garage. He had signed the papers, exchanged keys, taken the aviator gear shift and put it in his pocket and taken possession of his new wheels…a Harley Davidson motorcycle. He secured the second helmet and put his things in the saddle bags on the bike. Adjusting the helmet until it was comfortable, he started up the bike and took off. So much for taken small steps to change. Suddenly the idea of moving slowly lost what appeal it had held.

Harm headed for the back roads on the outskirts of D.C. and began to enjoy the freedom of the wind in his face. He rode out to check on his Stearman and then headed back to put together a picnic for his date with Mac. He grinned while he rode and while he packed the meal they would share later. He couldn’t wait to hear Mac’s comments when he picked her up on the motorcycle.

1715 EST

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown

Harm pulled up outside her apartment and waited until he saw her enter her apartment building. He took out his cell phone and pushed the button that would connect him to her.

Mac could hear her phone ring as she unlocked her door. She was breathless as she picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“You’ve got 10 minutes to get changed and meet me outside. Jeans, boots, and your leather jacket are required.”

“Harm! You’re early…” Mac smiled at the enthusiasm she heard in his voice and couldn’t resist teasing him a little even though she would miss seeing him blush and squirm. “No shirt required?”

Harm laughed, his head thrown back and his eyes twinkling. “Optional, Mac…or at the very least your choice.”

“What are we doing?” Harm’s enthusiasm was contagious and Mac was a little thrown by the sudden change in her usually stoic, straight-laced (with her at least), colleague.

“You’ll see,” was is evasive answer.

“I’m going to look like a biker in this outfit…” Mac stopped realizing that he was still the same predictable “Harm, did you rent a bike?”

“Something like that…come on now…time’s wasting!” Harm laughed as he disconnected the call.

Puzzled but excited by the plans Harm had apparently cooked up, Mac quickly changed and ran back down to find Harm. There he sat straddling a shiny black motorcycle with a touch of red in the pin-striping set off by the gleaming chrome trim. He stepped off, swinging his long leg over the bike and came to greet her with his wide smile – the one that always made her world light up. He leaned down and planted a kiss on her cheek.

“Mac, I know you aren’t crazy about speed in an F-14, but give this a try. I promise I won’t do any loops or dives with you.”

“You better not, Sailor, whether I’m with you or not. This is great. How did you come up with the idea of renting a motorcycle?”

“I didn’t…rent it that is. I traded the Corvette for it.”

Sarah looked into his face not sure she should believe him. She couldn’t believe the change she saw since this morning. He looked rested almost and carefree.

“You really did get rid of your Corvette and get this didn’t you?”

“Yes. Do you mind riding it with me?”

“No…I use to love riding with Eddie and Chris. I even used one for transportation when I was in Japan, but I haven’t driven one for years.”

“Well, if you are nice to me I might be able to be convinced to let you drive if you want to.”

“Careful what you promise, Harm…”

“Mac, there are lots of promises I want to talk to you about…maybe not all tonight, but some of them for sure. Let’s ride first, have something to eat and then we’ll talk, okay?”

“Okay. Got an extra helmet?”

Harm smiled and handed her the helmet, her helmet. Together they put them on and he showed her how to use it so they could talk while riding without shouting or to listen to music. He climbed on first and started it up and then helped her to balance as she climbed on behind him. She straddled the bike and felt his body heat where her legs wrapped around his hips and legs.

There were handles for her to grasp beside her seat but when they started moving forward she released them and held on to him. They rode up in to the hills and found a scenic view to stop and watch the sun set while they ate their picnic meal. After they had finished eating and it was starting to get dark the temperature began to drop, so Harm suggested that they head back and have a hot drink and talk at his place. Mac agreed to the plan. Harm offered to let her drive but she declined and took her place behind him, this time resting her face against his back while she held him around his middle.

Harm’s apartment

North of Union Station

Harm pulled up by the garage and Mac hopped off to open the door for him. He pulled the bike in and shut it down. They left their helmets on the bike, grabbed the leftovers from their picnic and headed for the stairs to Harm’s apartment. Together they put things away and while Mac used the bathroom, he started the coffee. While he was working, he thought about how good it had felt to have her so close to him while they rode. He had hoped she would hang on to him instead of the handles and had been disappointed when they had first gotten on the bike. However, they hadn’t gone twenty feet when he felt her hands holding on to his body. He missed having her that close and hoped he could find away to hold her again while they talked.

Mac rejoined Harm in the kitchen and asked what she could do to help.

“You can get the mugs if you want while I use the head and if the coffee gets done pour it for us, okay?”

Mac nodded. Harm left Mac to finish preparing their coffee while he went to the head. He used the time while he was away from her to remind himself that he needed to take this slow with Mac. In Paraguay they had argued and she told him she needed him to show her how he felt over time and that it needed to be obvious to her, not just in his mind.

Instead of being upset or put off by that, he had been relieved. There were little things he had always wanted to do and had never allowed himself because he didn’t know if she would accept or tolerate them. Now she had no choice because she had given him permission to do some of those little things – like a kiss on the cheek now and then or touching her face just to feel the silky softness there or impromptu dates for no reason along with planned outings for special occasions. Today had been about that…just being together.

When he returned he found Mac sitting in the middle of the leather sofa with her boots off. She patted the seat beside her, the one in the corner where he usually sat.

“Come talk to me Harm. Tell me why you’re not sleeping.” Mac encouraged him to start with his sleepless nights.

“Mac you know that talking about my feelings has never been easy for me. I can’t promise you that I won’t screw up what I’m trying to say, but I’ve been giving things a lot of thought. I’ve tried to look at things from multiple perspectives like I would during an investigation. It’s actually helped me to admit some things and then look for proof in my actions. Sometimes I haven’t liked what I discovered about myself, but I’ve also been able to start getting a handle on some things. There are other things that I need you to help me get the correct perspective on…but that will come a little later. Have I lost you yet?”

“No…you have my full attention.” Mac sat with one foot tucked under her sitting with her side against the back of the sofa. Her arm rested on the back of the sofa and she let her hand barely touch his shoulder in a friendly, comforting manner, just to let him know she was there. He realized that she was showing him in little ways that she cared too.

“I realized a few things last night as I examined some things I’ve done or said and my motivations behind the decisions I made. I realized that even though I knew what I was thinking, you didn’t and as a result I’ve hurt you many times when it was the last thing I wanted to do.” Harm was aware of Mac’s hand sliding more firmly onto his shoulder as he talked but he kept talking, afraid that if he stopped something would interfere yet again. “I know when I left to fly that I hurt you but because my plan was so clear in my mind I didn’t stop to think that you wouldn’t know my plan without me telling you. It comes about four and a half years late, but I want you to know what I had been thinking.

You see I was starting to realize that there was something more between us then friendship. As much as I liked working with you, I realized I wanted something more but there were complications that needed to be dealt with first. I thought that you were starting to feel the same about me, and I wanted the hurdles out of the way. Instead of talking to you and working things out together, I tried to do it on my own and then present it fait accompli (all finished). I couldn’t let you see how much it tore me up to be leaving you because in order for my plan to work, I had to be successful returning to flight status.

If I was in a different chain of command, it would be okay not only to date, but move into a deeper more lasting relationship. I knew back then that I wanted you in my life forever and I guess I thought you knew that our promise to go halves on a baby came with wedding rings and a lifetime commitment. When your emails back to me were all business I didn’t have the heart to send the letters I had written outlining my plan. I didn’t realize that you were trying not to let on how much my being gone bothered you. Then when I did see you, you had been promoted and I knew that it presented another hurdle.

Next thing I knew we were back in the same chain of command and Brumby was in the picture. When we were in Australia I realized that you were still interested, but there were so many obstacles and I was afraid to make the commitment and move our relationship deeper when you might have been looking for just a quick, hot flame. You know how that all played out.

Finally I thought we could start moving closer again. You were being successful on the bench and we were able to talk about our promise. It didn’t scare me, at least for the reasons you might think. What did panic me was how I was going to fit the courtship in, an engagement and a wedding before AJ’s fifth birthday! You becoming a judge seemed like it could solve the problem of us both being at JAG.

I know I was a jerk about your investigation into Singer, and I should have told you my suspicions, but I didn’t. I seemed to make one error in judgment after another last fall and winter. I felt like I was always fighting the system. I even considered civilian law but knew that I enjoyed investigating as much – maybe more and that I wouldn’t like civilian law anymore then you had when you tried it. So I kept trying to work out the final hurdles to uncomplicate matters.

Then came the arrest for Singer’s murder and the period of exile I found myself in. I spent a lot of time thinking, but I still didn’t have answers. I decided that I needed to talk to you and tell you that I wanted you to help me to work out those final complications because I couldn’t wait any longer to have a life with you. But when you showed up it was only to tell me you’d be leaving. I tried to accept that this was a career move.

I respected your decision and ability to do your job but the longer time went on and I didn’t hear anything, the more I worried. That connection we have that everyone keeps telling us they see, told me loud and clear that you were in danger and needed me. You asked one time what I would give up for you and letting go of Renee seemed like the logical move, but she dumped me first and then I was lost as to what to do for a grand gesture.” Harm paused to figure out what to say next.

Mac wanted to say something but knew that Harm needed to get out his thoughts before she could distract him from his mission. Instead she began to rub his shoulders and back trying to sooth him.

Harm continued, “Last night it hit me just how much the last year has affected me. I was thrown by the arrest and trial. I was in danger of losing the only life I had known, and all I could think about was losing you and not being able to keep my promises to you. I knew I hadn’t done it but I couldn’t prove it. Thankfully there’s somebody else out there that doesn’t take things on face value and kept digging. Anyway, when you were in danger I realized that I had to do anything I could to get to you and help you. Nothing was too much or too big a risk. I even faked a marriage to help someone out so that I could get information on your location and mission. Without you, nothing mattered.

Mac, when I tried to resign and so I could go look for you, the admiral asked what I would do to keep you and I didn’t know what to say, but now I know.” Harm finally turned toward Sarah Mackenzie and looked her in the eye. “I‘d give up the need to control everything…I want to make a partnership with you for the rest of our lives. I’m no longer sure the Navy meets my needs. I feel restless and I want something more in my life then a loft, great friends and lots of adventures. I want a woman that loves me as much as I love her. I want a family and a job that challenges me but doesn’t control me or my life. I want someone to support and guide me at times and that lets me support and guide her at times too.

I told you once there was a lot I wanted. I felt it but couldn’t figure out how to say it. Now I beginning to get a handle on exactly what I’m feeling and I hope I’m making sense. I know I need to rebuild your trust but I hope that I can prove to you I am willing to work at making a life with you. When AJ was born I promised you I’d go halves with you on a kid, but I was really promising to make a life with you and marry you and I was a fool for not saying it then and for not explaining why I wasn’t ready to take what you offered me on the ferry in Sydney Harbor. I love you Mac as a friend but I think I’m in love with you too.”

“Oh Harm…” was all she could say before she launched herself into his lap and arms. Hugging him and caressing his face as she looked into his eyes she could see how sincere he was. She knew the effort it had taken him to put all of these emotionally charged thoughts and feelings into words. She rested her forehead against his and they just held each other slowly relaxing into a hug and then a kiss as his lips reached hers. The kiss was slow, searching, and discovering. Mac kept her hands on his face while they kissed and she felt the moisture on her hands as they rolled over her hands where they held his face. She knew she was crying tears of happiness and relief as well. Slowly they pulled apart a little.

“Harm?”

“When you finally let go, you don’t hold anything back do you?”

“Guess not…I’ve never done this before…I think you did a great job explaining things…and although we probably wish we could turn back the clock a while, I am not going to allow regrets to ruin what you so eloquently put out their tonight. Thank you for taking that risk…I’m in love with you, too. And I haven’t been very fair throwing out challenges and not giving you time to think before I stomped off. Can you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive. We both have handled things poorly at times and the only thing that matters is that we both want to make this…work.” Harm was interrupted by a huge yawn. “Mac, I’m sorry. That wasn’t very romantic of me, yawning like that.”

“Harm…I forgot you didn’t sleep last night…you need to get to bed and get some sleep. Go on…get into bed and I’ll lock up and then curl up with you if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind…Sorry, but I don’t think I’m good for much else tonight.”

“Go…my turn to take care of you.”

Twenty minutes later Harm was asleep when Mac, dressed in one of Harm’s t-shirts and nothing else, slid into bed beside him and slid her arm over his waist as she snuggled her head against his shoulder. It wasn’t long before they were both asleep.

Harm’s Apartment

0400 EST

Harm slowly woke to the warmth of a soft body wrapped around him. Strong, slender legs were entwined with his and fingers of one hand were smoothing the hair on his chest but occasionally lightly scraping one of his nipples. He became aware that his body had been reacting to the erotic touches while he slept. He smiled as he looked down at the still sleeping Sarah Mackenzie as she let her fingers and body have the freedom to touch him. He was mesmerized as he watched her hand travel from his chest to his stomach. Her touch was light and it tickled as she moved her fingers across his ribs. Part of him wanted to touch and caress her as well, but he wanted to see what she would do and he was enjoying the sensations her touch was creating.

If she had stopped to trace his navel, he would have suspected she was really awake, but she hadn’t. Her hand had skimmed down his body and rested at the waist band of his boxers. He heard her sigh and felt her snuggle a little closer as she shifted one leg further over his. He knew in that instant that she was wearing nothing under the t-shirt she had borrowed. His body reacted immediately to that information. He tried to bite back a groan and in desperation decided it was time to wake up the Marine. If he didn’t want to throw away his resolve to take things slowly and really show her how much he loved her, then he had to wake move away from her.

“Mac…Mac?” When there was no response, Harm took Mac’s hand that was resting on his stomach at his waist and lifted it off of him. He gently lowered her hand against her own stomach. Next he tried to untangle their legs. He decided to try waking her again. “Mac…Come on Honey, I need you to move so I can get out of bed. You’re keeping me prisoner, Mac…Mac?”

“Harm? What are you doing here?” Mac’s voice was barely audible and Harm knew she wasn’t awake enough to know where she was.

“Mac, you stayed with me last night, remember? Let go of me, so I can get up now…Mac, don’t make me do the drill sergeant routine, Marine…”

“Morning…” Mac yawned and stretched a little. “Did you say something about letting go of you?”

“Yeah…Mac you’re legs are holding mine and I need to get up.”

“I thought maybe you already were and that’s why you wanted to wake me.”

“Mac!” Harm was a little surprised by her bawdy comment, but smiled when she chided him.

“I’ve told you before you’re a prude,” she laughed teasing him a little more by lightly trailing her fingers along his waist and around his navel. It was more then he could take and with a growl and a quick move he rolled them over finding her lips with his while his hands went to work trying to absorb the feel of her silky smooth skin. Mac eagerly joined him in the kiss and when they finally broke for air, Harm began tasting her neck and shoulders.

At the same time his hands searched for the hem of her shirt and began to lift it up to remove it from her. While he still had some rational thought, he pulled back and in a raspy, breathless voice asked, “Mac, are you sure you want this? I mean, we’ve just admitted that we have deeper feelings for each other and I don’t want you to feel rushed.”

“I’ve wanted to make love with you more than anything for a long, long time…Please, Harm, make love to me?”

And he did. It was exquisite and surpassed all of Sarah Mackenzie’s wildest dreams. Harm had proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was a generous yet demanding lover. Both gentle and wild, he gave pleasure and took pleasure from the giving. As they lay side by side, holding hands afterward, letting their bodies come off the high they had reached as their breathing returned to normal, Mac whispered to Harm, “Thank you for giving me this memory. I will always treasure it.”

“You’re welcome…are you forgetting what I told you last night? I do love you.”

“No…but I thought maybe you would regret this because I teased you so much that there was no turning back. I took control away from you.”

“Mac I have wanted this for some time but I wasn’t sure you felt the same and I wasn’t sure if we should take this step as much as I’ve wanted to. Now that we have, I don’t know if I can give up sharing my bed with you every night…making love with you...”

“Wow, Harm, when you let go…”

“I know,” he laughed, “I really let go. You told me that before.”

“Harm?”

“Yeah?”

“Two things…first I love you and second…”

“Yes?”

“We need to go to work. We’re going to be late!” Mac rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. “I’ve got the shower first, unless we’re going to share.”

Harm smiled and got out of bed to join Mac in a quick shower. She threw on her jeans from the night before and her shirt while Harm dressed in uniform. They ran down the steps and got in Harm’s SUV and headed for Georgetown. Harm dropped Mac off at her place to dress in uniform while he went to pick up coffee and bagels for their breakfast. He promised to meet her at JAG headquarters with the food.

1644 EST

JAG HQ

Harm entered his office after observing one of the new young lawyers in court. Mac had been on the bench. It had given him the chance to watch her serve as a judge from a more impartial view. He had been proud of the way she conducted the proceedings – calm, quiet, firm, and fair. You couldn’t ask for anything better then that. The young lawyer had a ways to go. He needed to write up the fitness report for the admiral and go over his report with the inexperienced lieutenant. He called the lawyer in his office and asked him to report to his office ASAP. At his knock, Harm bade him to enter.

“Lieutenant Pearson reporting as ordered sir.”

“At ease, Pearson. Have a seat.” Once the young man was seated Harm looked at him and watched him squirm a little. “Lt. Pearson, I’d be interested to know how you would describe your performance in the courtroom today.”

“Well, sir, I think I did alright. I was a little nervous pleading the case in front of the legendary Colonel Mackenzie…but I think I covered the salient points as I had planned, sir.”

“I’m sure you did, Lt. Pearson, but you were so tied to your notes they became your script and you missed some opportunities on cross to emphasize your point. You ignored the witnesses’ contradictions and you allowed opposing counsel to keep their momentum by not raising objections.”

“Sir, there was nothing to object to.”

“Lieutenant, there are always ways to raise objections that will throw the opposing counsel off stride and sometimes you even win the battle. As for being nervous about appearing before legendary judges, we have many here at JAG. You need to get over that hero-worship or whatever it is.

You need to be in control and confident when you are in front of the members or a judge. For the time being I want you sitting second chair and I want you to work on your public speaking…get your confidence up there.

There are a number of ways you can do that. Acting classes, public speaking, courses, counseling, there are many options and I want you to find something you would be comfortable with and try it. Until you do, and until I see some confidence from you when you are in court, you will not be taking first chair. Are there any questions?”

“No, sir.”

“Dismissed.” Harm watched Lt. Pearson leave his office and then refocused on the report to the admiral. Harm didn’t think he was being too critical, but he wanted to hear Mac’s opinion at some point. Just then the knock on his door drew his attention.

“Mac, come in. This is a nice surprise.”

Mac shut the door and turned backed to Harm with a sigh. “What I really want to do is come over to you and put my arms around you and give you a kiss and cuddle in your arms for awhile, but I guess I better stick to business.”

“And what would that be, Colonel?” Harm had gulped as she described her preference but smiled when she refocused them on business.

“Lt. Pearson…Harm, he’s not ready to try a case from first chair.”

“I know, Mac. I just met with him and was finishing the fit rep for the Admiral. I wanted to run it by you before I took it to the admiral.” He handed her the report.

“Accurate and good suggestions. You really do well with these trainees, Harm.”

“Shall we see if the Admiral will meet with us?”

“Let’s go.”

Mac smiled when she saw PO Coates. She had hoped that Jen would be her assistant when she had moved to judiciary, but when Tiner left for his new duty, the admiral had claimed her as Tiner’s replacement.

“Admiral ready for us Jen?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Sir. Go ahead in.”

“Colonel, how are things going on the bench?”

“I like it. It’s usually challenging but I guess I like having the control.”

“What brings the two of you in here today?”

“Lt. Pearson, sir. I have his fit rep for you.” Harm handed the report to Admiral Chegwidden. “I’ve already met with him and informed him that he will be reassigned to nothing more then second chair until we have seen evidence of his confidence in how he addresses the court and conducts himself during a trial. I’ve recommended a number of things he can try to get his court room presence up to speed.”

“Colonel Mackenzie, what is your take?” asked the Admiral.

“I fully agree with the Commander’s evaluation of this officer. We have both tried working with him and he has also worked with Commander Turner. He is not progressing as we would have hoped.”

“Do either of you feel that you are holding the bar too high and are comparing his performance to Lt. Roberts?”

“No, sir.” They replied in unison.

“How are the other two new people working out?”

“Sir, I haven’t finished their fit reps as yet, but both seem to be confident, Henderson maybe a little more confident then Adams, but both are progressing.”

“Colonel, have you observed either of them recently?”

“Yes sir. As a matter of fact, Adams had first chair in today’s proceeding opposite Pearson. I am confident that he could hold his own against Turner already.”

“Then let’s have Turner take over for Pearson on this case.”

“Aye, aye, sir.”

“Dismissed…oh Mac? Harm? Meredith and I were hoping you could join us for dinner Saturday night if you are not busy.”

Harm and Mac exchanged glances before smiling toward the admiral and accepting the offer.

“We’ll look forward to it sir.”

“Nothing fancy…comfortable casual is fine…and don’t worry about the food. I’ve convinced her to use the caterers as a way to test them before the wedding. We’ll see you about 1900 Saturday then.”

“Thank you, sir.” They turned and left and once the door was closed, they looked at each other and smiled.

“I thought maybe he was going to ask us what was going on.”

Mac shook her head, “No one has seen us together much today, so they probably just think we are having a calm day…we did have them once in a while you know.”

“Yes, Mac, I know, it’s just I feel so much…I don’t know freer, lighter maybe when I’m with you. I do know that being tied to the office could get to me quick.”

“It’s okay, Harm. You can do this. You have the motorcycle to give you the free airy feeling you use to get from flying.”

Harm quickly squeezed her hand and then whispered softly, “And you…you set me free too you know.”

“I think we better table this until later Harm. I’ll see you later, right?”

“Yup! My place or yours?” Harm asked.

“Why don’t you come to my place tonight?”

“Okay…bye until later…” Harm gave Mac his most dazzling smile and returned to his office and the paperwork waiting for him there.

1852 EST

Mac’s Apartment

Harm tapped on the door and waited for Mac to open it. When she did she stood with her hands on her hips and glared.

“What did I do? Mac?” Harm watched her as he stepped into the room past her. He turned back to her as she shut the door, hands folded across her chest, still holding his gaze with her glare. “Mac, please tell me why you are so angry with me.”

Mac whirled and marched in to the kitchen and kept her back to Harm as she worked on their dinner – still not talking to him. Harm followed her and waited for her to talk to him. He knew if he had done something, she would let him know soon. Now he had to wait her out. He watched her and realized she was really working to keep her face averted from him. He watched her and studied the way she moved. Her jaw wasn’t clenched. Her movements were smooth and graceful. Slowly it dawned on him that she was playing with him. Quietly he approached her and stood closely behind her as she tossed their salad. He leaned closer until he could brush her neck with his lips. He whispered near her ear.

“I want you.”

Mac dropped the salad fixings that she was working with her and turned to smile up to him and wrap her arms around his neck. “Didn’t fool you for long did I?”

“Long enough, Mac. What were you trying to do – give this old man a heart attack?”

“First you are not old…yet…and I thought if we had a fight we could have fun making up afterwards. So what gave it away?”

“Well, your jaw wasn’t clenched and you were moving gracefully and you didn’t keep glancing at me with your glare.”

“I’m impressed at your powers of observation…but then you are an investigator.”

“You know Mac, I really miss going into the field and doing investigations. A good courtroom battle is thrilling, but the search for the truth is what I miss. Maybe its time to think about getting out and going civilian. What do you think?”

“Are you really that unhappy with the administrative assignment?”

“I guess I’m not unhappy, but I do miss the variety the job entailed when we investigated and then litigated. I do understand that they need me and to a lesser degree Sturgis, to supervise the young kids coming up through the ranks. At least there will be a field trip once in awhile because that’s the only way to check on the trainees. Trips to a carrier and foreign ports won’t happen much which has it’s benefits.”

“Harm, do you think that the stress of what you’ve been through in the last few months is coloring the way you feel about JAG?”

  “Maybe, but lets not waste anymore time on this topic tonight, okay?”

“What would you like to discuss?” Mac wiggled her eyebrows at him.

“Well maybe what moves we used had the desired effect last night- or rather this morning?”

“I’d better feed you first as you’re going to need energy to do show and tell with me,” Mac

commented as she turned to bring down the plates she wanted.

“Does that mean I have to work harder to please you?”

“No way, Flyboy…it means that I want everyone of those moves repeated tonight two or three times at least!”

They never finished dinner because Harm made the mistake of watching Sarah Mackenzie eat her food and the way her tongue touched her lips. All he could think about was the way her tongue felt on him. He dropped his fork and reached for her in one motion. Sarah Mackenzie let out a squawk that was have laughter have shock but moved into his waiting arms and accepted his hungry kisses. Clothes were removed, some none to carefully as he walked her backwards through the apartment and into her bedroom.  

The only sounds in the apartment that night were murmurs of passion.

0735 EST

Mac’s Apartment

Harm woke and stretched. His eyes opened to see brown ones looking at him.

“Hi.”

“Hi…you know, if that’s how you’re going to make it up to me every time you think I’m mad at you, I’ll have to hone my glare even more.”

“Mac?”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to act mad at me for an excuse for us to make love. I’m addicted to you and making you feel good.”

“Alright, but if you don’t live up to your promise, I’ll know what to do,” Mac laughed and cuddled closer to him.

“Why do you suppose we’ve been invited to join the admiral for dinner?”

“Well, he and Meredith are getting married so maybe they want to talk about their wedding plans.”

“Could be…it just seems like there’s another reason as well.” Harm caressed the arms of the woman he held as he thought aloud.

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know exactly…maybe I’m just being paranoid. I guess we’ll find out tonight, huh?”

“Yes…now what are your thoughts for the day?”

“My thoughts for the day?” Harm was puzzled about Mac’s question.

“You know, Sailor, like are you hanging out here for the day or working on your plane, or riding off into the sun on your Harley or doing mundane household chores, or…?”

“Laying in bed with you all day?”

Mac laughed and lifted her face to meet his kiss. “Nice thought, but I must take care of some mundane household chores.”

“I suppose I need to do that too…what time is it?”

“0756”

“Wow! You’re good for me Mac. I’m awake early enough so that I can go for a run, have my chores done by noon and still hit the open road for a few hours before I need to come back and get ready for dinner. Want to join me?”

“I’d love to but I have an appointment today and it will take me a little longer to get my chores done. You picking me up here or should I pick you up tonight?”

“Well, the admiral said it was comfort casual, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So you can wear pants, right?”

“I could and probably will.”

“So how about we show up on the bike?”

“You serious?”

“Yeah, how ‘bout it?”

“Fine…if it isn’t raining.”

“It won’t rain.”

“If it does?”

“I’ll pick you up in the SUV, okay?”

“Deal.”

1859 EST

Maclean, Virginia

Home of Admiral AJ Chegwidden

          Harm and Mac arrived in the SUV in the pouring rain and dashed for the porch. Harm reached for her hand as they stood in front of the door and for just a moment they let time take them back over two years to a spring night in May when they had stood on this porch and come close to opening up to each other about their feelings. Harm leaned into her and gave her a smile and a quick kiss while holding her hand.

“Although I’m pretty sure the admiral knows we’ve changed our status, I don’t think it would be a good idea if we indulged on his front porch. We’ll continue this later, okay?”

Mac gulped and tried to calm her raising heart while Harm rang the doorbell. He always did that to her when he made a sudden move toward her or flashed her that melt your knees smile of his. Sometimes she didn’t think she’d ever get use to it while other times she thought she did well to maintain immunity from his charms. It never lasted long anymore because he was constantly catching her off guard and leaving her breathless with his words or gestures. She had become his newest obsession and she wasn’t surprised that he was taking her seriously during this phase of their relationship.

Mac was actually a little surprised that it had gone on as long as it had and he continually surprised her when he would deepen their connections through words or actions without her prompting him. Their talk when he had really opened up the night he bought the Harley had left her feeling that he was restless and not happy with his life but also not sure if she was what he needed to make him happy. After the last couple of nights and days she still saw some restlessness, but she was sensing that he was happier and more relaxed.

Admiral Chegwidden opened the door to them and invited them in.      “Good evening, Admiral. Meredith.” Harm stated as they entered.

“Make it AJ tonight, please. This is not a work related evening. Let me take your coats.”

“Welcome, Mac. Harm. I’m so glad you could both join us. Did AJ tell you that we’re test driving some of the caterers by having them work small dinners for us. I had heard of six different ones that came highly recommended and he suggested we try each one before we choose, as we have time.”

“Have you set a date yet?” Mac asked.

“Actually we haven’t, but we have narrowed it down to February or May.” Meredith told them as they moved into the dining area.

“Yes we thought February would be good with Valentine’s Day and it’s also the anniversary of my…awakening…as Meredith likes to call it…but then we talked about May because Meredith loves the spring flowers and colors that she could use.” AJ went on to explain.

“It would be nice to have something to celebrate in May,” Harm added.

When everyone looked his way, he said, “Not that I want to be the one to remind everyone that the past few Mays haven’t been very joyous…not since Baby AJ was born.”

“As much as that was a wonderful moment, that was also the same May that you left JAG to go back to active flight duty. Can’t say I enjoyed that spring and summer much myself.” Mac looked down at her hands trying to keep the tears at bay even after the progress they had recently made and the fact that he had returned.

AJ and Meredith looked on a little surprised but definitely pleased when Harm lightly touched Mac’s arm then slid his hand down to hers and grasped her hand in his and held it as she finished talking.

“The following year wasn’t too bad.”

“For you maybe…I can’t say as I was too happy about Brumby showing up unexpectedly…but I guess at the time that was pretty special for you.”

Meredith was fascinated as the history of JAG’s May was revealed. “What happened the next May?”

“Well it started off good,” started AJ. “Harriet Sims was promoted to Lieutenant, Mac and Mic celebrated their engagement, and then things kind of fell apart. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you Harm?”

“I left for my quals on the carrier and a storm blew in faster then we had anticipated so my RIO and I ended up in the Atlantic Ocean for a late night swim.”

“Is that why you cancelled the wedding Mac?” asked Meredith.

“Partly…it was the excuse anyway. I knew at that point that I was making a mistake but I was too proud to admit it so I almost made an even bigger one and rescheduled even though Mic knew by then that my heart wasn’t his.” Again Harm reached for Mac’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“The following year, Bud lost his leg and then this past year we lost track of Mac…but we got her back.”

“Well it seems that things have turned out pretty well even if there was some rough sailing in past Mays. Maybe we should get married in May just to give us an extra added boost so that our marriage will turn out okay too. What do you think AJ?” asked the irrepressible Meredith.

“I think that we should change the subject. We’ll talk more about the wedding date later dear, but I think we need to talk about something that brings up less emotions. Mac and Harm went through a lot this past year and now have a chance to make things better for themselves. They don’t need to dredge up ancient hurtful history.”

“You’re right, AJ. I hope you’ll both forgive me. Are we ready to eat?”

“I sure am…and Meredith?”

“Yes?”

“There’s nothing to forgive. We are the ones that opened that door…and actually we find that looking back sometimes clears up some of the unspoken miscommunications…discussing things has made things better,” reassured Mac.

The dinner was delicious and while Mac and Meredith were in the kitchen cleaning up and putting away a few things, Harm and AJ sat in the living room and talked.

“Harm, I know you have been on a roller coaster ride in the past few months, but I must say you and Mac look like you’re moving forward.”

“We are. I have a lot to make up for and it will take time. Neither of us can deny anymore that what we have goes beyond friendship. Whether we can beat the odds of our track record is a challenge, but we both want to see if we can make it work.”

“You seem closer...and I’m not sure I thought that possible.”

Harm smiled and thought for a minute. He didn’t think his Commanding Officer and friend needed to know what made them closer, so he just said, “I guess talking instead of assuming things has helped. I learned that from my commanding officer recently.” Harm couldn’t resist teasing the Admiral about his botched attempts at proposing to Meredith before he got it right. The two men laughed about it knowing that it was another thing they had in common – messing up with their women when it came to saying the right things.

“Harm, I’ve been thinking since we talked at the office earlier. I know this has been a tough year for you and that you didn’t always think I was in your corner, but I have always been impressed by your integrity and your willingness to put it all out there for those you care about. Now as an officer that sometimes puts you in a bad light, at least on the surface, but anyone that knows you would want to be in your command because you would never leave them out there on a limb. They would come first.

Sometimes I think that you and Mac are so close, that you look at her as if she was part of you, and therefore could be set aside for someone who was in need. I hope that you have learned that you may be of one heart and soul, but you each have your own needs and desires and those have to be honored.”

Harm swallowed his throat thickening with emotion as he listened to his friend and commanding officer put into words a description of one of the very things that had been weighing on his heart. After taking a couple of deep breaths he looked at AJ and managed a slight smile.

“As you know there have been some things bothering me and I haven’t quite gotten a handle on what it is. It’s made me restless and unsettled. I did identify some of the things and I have been working to make amends for them, but I think you just cleared up a big piece of the puzzle for me.”

“Do you know what you are going to do about it?” asked AJ Chegwidden.

“I’ve got some ideas now at least…thank you sir.”

“I think that you and Mac could have something very special if you just relax and let it happen…hell you already have something special that no one can really explain!” exclaimed AJ.

Harm nodded, not able to speak at first. After a few thoughtful moments past, Harm decided it was time to share his concerns with his friend, things he wouldn’t have shared with his commanding officer.

“Would you give me your opinion on something sir?”

“Probably…what’s on your mind?”

“Well, AJ, as I said earlier, I’ve been trying to work through some of the things that are complicating my relationship with Mac, however, there is one more thing that I am feeling a little unsettled about…my career at JAG.”

“What are you telling me Harm? Are you planning on resigning your commission again – because if you do there is no way you’ll get back in again!”

“No, Sir!” Harm immediately took on a more formal demeanor at Chegwidden’s reaction. His posture and change in attitude registered with his friend.

“Sorry, Harm…go ahead and lay it out there on the table and off the record.”

“Well it’s true that I’ve begun to question some life decisions…but the Navy has been good to me. Going reserve and TAD with the CIA is not something I care to do again…but I want to be able to settle down and have a family and yet I like adventure and the challenge of investigations. I don’t think I’m suited to civilian life, but I’m afraid that I am going to need to do something different if I’m going to be able to work things out with Mac.”

“Don’t you think we can work out something that will allow both of you to have the careers you want and deserve without leaving the military?”

“I don’t know sir. Any ideas? The thought of being strictly administrative and missing out on investigations and some of the more adventurous aspects of the job I’ve been doing doesn’t appeal to me really, yet I love other duties as well. And if things with Mac and I work out and we start a family, I’m going to want to be closer to home. How do you balance the need for adventure and the duties of the job?”

“If you are lucky enough to have to deal with the staff I have, trust me there are plenty of adventures to deal with. You crave the calm quiet days in the job. And, when you are the admiral, it’s your privilege to take on other rolls once in awhile. Then I think most people as they move up in rank do have families and they live adventures vicariously through their children,” counseled the admiral.

Harm thought about what his friend told him. He could see where it would make sense. “Another words, sir, when the time is right it will just feel right and not be an issue?”

“Something like that Harm. Basically you need to move on and see where it takes you and stop trying to build bridges before you even know for sure if you need them.”

“Thank you AJ, I guess that’s what I’ve been doing. I just can’t imagine what the options might be and I didn’t want us to end up in a situation with no way out.”

“Can’t fault you for that Harm, but seriously, you and Mac have many options available to you or will have. Mac has all the making for an excellent judge.”

“Yes, she does.”

“And I could see you teaching or heading up a JAG office in Europe or Pacific perhaps and maybe even eventually as the JAG here in DC.”

“I doubt the SecNav will support any new assignments or promotions, so my career is pretty much dead-ended.”

“I don’t think so Harm. The SecNav outlined a pretty dry boring job description but hang in there for six months or so and he’ll have no reason to hold up further assignments and promotions.”

“If I did get assigned elsewhere, it would separate Mac and I again,” Harm lamented.

“There’s no reason if you are assigned somewhere else that Mac couldn’t be assigned as a JAG in the area as well. No, you certainly shouldn’t try to build that bridge just yet, nor hold up exploring what you have with each other. It took me one ejection out of a Tomcat to wake up to my feelings. You’ve had two since you met Mac, and a crash, so I think it’s time.”

“Time for what?” Mac asked as she and Meredith joined Harm and AJ from the kitchen.

“Time for you to join us,” answered AJ as Harm shot him a grateful look.

Mac crossed over to sit next to Harm on the couch. One hand rested on his thigh and his arm rested on her shoulders and back. Meredith and AJ both saw the physical closeness between them, but chose not to mention it. The two couples enjoyed a relaxing evening as they discussed the pending wedding.

2230 EST

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station

Harm unlocked the door and then opened it for Mac to enter before him. As he closed it behind them, he tossed his keys on the bookcase and reached for her hand.

“Hey…come here,” Harm placed Mac’s hand against his chest and held it there as he stepped closer to her. His voice was husky with desire and when Mac looked up into his eyes she saw them smoldering with passion.

“Hey to you too…” Mac looked into his eyes and stepped closer to his body, “You seem different tonight.”

“AJ and I had a nice talk and I guess he made me realize two things.”

“Care to share?”

“Yeah…first he made me realize that I’ve been trying to find answers to questions that haven’t been asked and may never come up.”

“Okay…sounds wise. Are you going to tell me more?”

“Wweellllll…”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to.”

“No, I want to…it involves you too.”

“Really?”

“AJ and I brainstormed about career options and how to tell when it’s time to step down or step aside.”

“He’s not thinking of retiring is he?”

“No…at least he didn’t say that he was…but I told him I couldn’t see myself being content in just doing administration and he said that once he got into it, he found that he craved calm and solitude. He also said that in a position of command, you can often choose to step in and be more active at times.”

“Did it make you feel less restricted with your new duties?”

“Yes, and he told me that even though the SecNav outlined a pretty dry boring job description for me, the truth as he saw it was that there will still be times I needed in the field and that if I can hang in there for six months to a year that the SecNav will have no reason to hold up further assignments and promotions.”

“What else did he tell you?”

“That there’s no reason we can’t explore what we have and where it will take us.”

“You were still having some reservations?”

“About some things, yes…about the way I feel about you…no.”

“And how do you feel about me?”

“I love you as a friend, I want you as my lover, and I need you in my life.”

“I’m yours,” Mac’s words hardly made it out of her mouth before Harm’s lips sought hers to nibble and taste before deepening it to something more…something that matched his husky voice and smoldering eyes.

Their kisses were varied from long and slow, to hot and heated. Like two people just starting into a physical relationship they continued exploring each other trying to repeat the things that worked in their previous encounters and trying new things. Their breathing came rapidly and they pulled apart resting their foreheads against each other, grinning.

“Come on…” Harm whispered as he locked the door and led Mac to the bedroom. Again he lowered his head to kiss her, but this time he placed kisses along her neck and up under her ear. One hand held her head while the other worked the buttons on her top. It was a soft cashmere-like sweater with tiny pearl buttons starting at the V and ending at the hem. His finger traced each inch of exposed skin as he released each button. Mac leaned her head back to give him more room and because she enjoyed the feelings he was creating with his touch and his lips. The heat radiating off of his body matched the heat she felt building within her.

“Mmmm…” was all Mac could muster as she felt Harm’s lips and tongue easing into her cleavage as he slowly pealed the sweater down her arms. At first he held it in one hand against her lower back, before dropping it on the foot of the bed.

Harm lifted his head to look at the women melting in his arms. This soft, sexy side of Mac was still new to him. He wanted to soak up this vision and memorize every inch of her and every sound she made. He realized that she was looking at him now and he saw her reach for his arms to pull herself upright.

She slid her hands under the hem of his sweater and lifted it up to pull it off his head. His height created an obstacle when she couldn’t reach to remove it from him without his assistance. They shared a laugh over the awkwardness of the move, not the moment. Harm tossed the sweater to one side and Mac stepped up close to him again and let her hands touch his sculpted chest after sliding her hands from his waist up his rib cage to his chest. She was fascinated by the soft long chest hair that lightly covered his pectoral muscles and hid the male nipples. She felt him shiver as she scraped her trimmed nails over him. His eyes closed as he absorbed the sensations she created. Mac stood on tiptoe as she let her lips work on his neck and the hallow between the neck and shoulders much as he had done to her. While Harm let her explore the taste and feel of him, he began to caress her breasts through her bra. His fingers found the raised nubs through her bra and began to imitate her strokes on his chest to hers. Mac was stunned by the increased heat in her core that resulted from his touch, and when she pulled back he looked her in the eye as he released the catch on her bra and removed it. He leaned down to kiss one side while he caressed the other with is hand. His mouth licked and sucked one nipple and then the other.

The little noises coming from Mac’s throat resembled a purring cat and fired Harm’s passion even more. His hands found the snap on Mac’s jeans and lowered the zipper before sliding them down her legs, her wispy white lace panties followed. She stepped out of them and lowered herself to the bed. She watched Harm as he stripped out of his jeans and briefs. He knelt on the bed next to her and Mac reached out to touch the satin skin covering the steel shaft standing at attention.

Harm pulled back and cautioned, “Mac, please wait a bit longer before you touch me like that…I want to make this last tonight…”

Mac nodded her understanding and held her arms out to him. He lowered himself into her arms and kissed her lips while his hands caressed her breasts. Mac’s hands had explored his chest and ribs but now they slid up and down his back and over his firm six as she pulled him closer to her. Time passed as they explored every inch of each other’s bodies, with hands and mouths. Finally, Harm lowered himself into her and began to move with long slow strokes and mixed with some shorter strokes. The heat rose in both of them until they both cried out in release. Afterward, they lay wrapped into each others arms.

“Mac, you okay?”

“Mmmm…you?”

“I’m in awe…I thought over the years that there was nothing left to amaze me. I mean, it isn’t even our first time with each other…but I can honestly say I have never felt like this during or after…thank you for being so giving...so loving…”

“I know what you mean Harm…I’ve never felt like this…like I’m just learning what making love really is all about…thank you…”Mac’s voice trailed off.

They fell asleep in each other’s arms enjoying a new sense of being loved and in love.

Epilogue

In time, Harmon Rabb and Sarah Mackenzie were able to admit their feelings of love for one another. Both were ready to make a commitment to each other and the family they had planned. Mac had become a judge and Harm found that administrative duties kept him busy and active enough so he didn’t find the job boring.

Their May wedding was beautiful and limited to about fifty of their closest friends and family. They married in the chapel that they often attended on Christmas Eve with their friends and family from JAG. Little AJ was a ring bearer, the admiral gave Mac to Harm while Trish and Frank Burnett gave Harm to Mac in a symbolic gesture, Chloe was the maid of honor, Sturgis was best man and his Chaplain Turner married them.

Bud and Harriet hosted the reception before the Rabbs left to spend their honeymoon in Vermont on the shores of Lake Champlain. They hiked in the mountains, sailed on the lake, and spent time making love in their rustic cabin.

One month after returning from their honeymoon, Mac announced to Harm that he had kept the promise he had made on the day little AJ Roberts was born. They had “gone halves on a kid”. They had managed to do it within the original timeline without anything feeling rushed or hurried or as if it was just to make good on a deal.

On February 1, 2005, three months before their first anniversary, Harm and Mac Rabb welcomed a brown eyed son, Kenneth Harmon Rabb (Kenny) and a blue-green hazel eyed daughter, Harmony Mackenzie Rabb (Monny).