Title: Reaction to US

Author: Hollyjp

Summary: Mac said “us” and implied she didn’t want to be away from Harm. This gets them both thinking an anticipating things to come.

Spoilers: As usual anything up through the newest episode and spoilers gets thrown in with my own speculation.

Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.

REACTION TO US

October 29, 2004

2038 Local

Helicopter over the Atlantic

The helicopter had just lifted off the Hennessy carrying Mac and Harm back to the carrier in the battle group where they would transfer to a COD that would take them back to Andrews. Mac had visibly relaxed when she heard that Creswell was not going to be the new JAG. There were so many things that Harm wanted to talk to Mac about, but the helicopter was not conducive to any conversation so he put his head back and closed his eyes. It would be at least forty minutes until they reached the carrier and if he didn’t do something he’d irritate Mac by staring at her or saying something stupid.

His protective streak was in high gear when it came to Mac, and he knew she resented it. She felt that as a Marine she could stand on her own two feet and anyone that even hinted that she couldn’t came in for a heavy duty reality check from Sarah Mackenzie herself.

Harm smiled. He loved the name Sarah. He knew it partly had to do with his grandmother but it was more then that. He loved the sound of the word and the way it felt in his mouth when he said it. It was a two syllable word that could be made to sound sophisticated, romantic, or sexy. It fit the one sitting beside him to perfection, and yet he rarely called her by her given name. She had adopted Mac because it wasn’t any of those things. The name Mac gave the image of someone that was no nonsense, tough, practical and logical. The woman he knew was all of those things...and tonight for the first time she had let him see that she was beginning to understand that he knew she was all of those things and that a name didn’t change how he saw her. When she had let it slip that she needed him. He forced himself to remain calm and give her the ability to stay and face him.

“He could separate us...” the words she spoke had hung in the air between them when she tried to explain why the new JAG made her nervous. At first she hadn’t looked at him and then when he remained quiet and waited, she had dared to look up and meet his eyes. The look she saw there told her that he heard it and that the earth wasn’t going to open up and swallow her as a result of making that admission to him.

“You’ve changed a lot since then Mac...maybe he has too. Give the guy a chance...” Harm was talking about Creswell but he knew he was also hoping that she could find it in herself to give him another chance as well. A part of him wanted to beg her to give him a chance...to let him show her that he had changed...but she already knew that and remarked on it to him about two weeks ago. Harm sighed as he realized that until she was ready to take a risk on him again, he could only keep doing what he was doing. Being there. Sometimes silently...sometimes applying pressure very lightly and steadily while watching for signs that he was going too far and needing to back off and recoup before pressing on again at another time.

Harm had stopped fighting the little things...like taking her arm or touching her back to guide her when they walked. Things he had done years ago without a thought became taboo when his feelings for her and interest in her had changed.

He thought back to the first time he realized that he saw his partner as a sexy woman that he wanted. It had shook him after years of assuming his interest in her was as his best friend...someone he liked, respected, cared about, and could have a long term relationship with. Then he had hit his head and for a few days he couldn’t stop imagining her dressed in sexy clothes or little more then a towel. He knew then that what ever was between them was a hell of a lot more then he had been willing to admit to previously. From that time on he had been careful about touching her until that night on the Admiral’s porch.

They were there to celebrate her engagement to Mic Brumby and yet they both had escaped the party and spent most of the evening talking on the porch...until he had lost it and grabbed her to him kissing the daylights out of her. He knew he shouldn’t have told her he would always love her but when he had lost it and kissed her he had been sure a lightening bolt would strike him. His guilt might have got to him but her hand had brushed his hand several times while Harriet was promoted and even during the toasts and well wishes in honor of her engagement to Mic.

He had tried to apologize the next day for getting carried away and crossing the boundaries of friendship. She had brushed it off and told him that she had too and assured him they were okay. He had tried to explain that he just wanted her to be happy and she had challenged him and asked even if that meant with Brumby. He’d had to bite his lip to keep from saying what he wanted to say. Back then he had snorted and changed the subject. He knew that if had known then what he knew now, he would have been honest and told her that he would live with her decision but before she made it she needed to have all facts in evidence.

Now things had happened that made this woman so much more fragile in many ways and stronger in others. Harm had mishandled the time following the broken engagement. He knew it now. Sometimes he felt that the shock of Bud’s accident was the reason for the turmoil and other times he knew it was just because he had screwed up.

He had failed at building a relationship with his half brother, Sergei, and it had eaten at him for awhile. He had tried to make it up to his brother when he had been convinced that Loren Singer was carrying Sergei’s child. He hadn’t handled that well either. Thinking back he had experienced a run of making poor decisions, which had compounded itself.

Harm had thought that he had time to work things out with Mac, and so had let other things draw his attention away from them. As a result he had ended up in the brig where he had time to do a lot of thinking. He realized then that the one thing he wanted to focus on was the one thing that made him happy and feel like there was hope for the future and that was Mac. He loved Sarah Mackenzie and although he wasn’t sure what to do about it, he knew he wanted to explore their relationship and that it was going to come first - be a priority. Then came Paraguay.

When Mac had come to see him and tell him she was leaving he had wanted to plead with her not to go...but he couldn’t say the words that would force her to stay...she was as duty bound as he had always been. That was when she told him that he was only interested in her when she wasn’t available. He had wanted to deny it but he knew why it looked that way. He couldn’t find the words to explain to her that she was wrong and that in fact he only showed interest when he had a weak moment and allowed his personal desires to come before duty, honor and loyalty.

Harm knew his poor judgement had continued with the entire Paraguay situation...but he couldn’t risk not trying to find her. Nothing else would matter if he didn’t try. He had been incredulous when Chegwidden had denied him leave. He could understand having to be careful about the Navy’s position but denying his request for personal leave, seemed out of character and cruel. Harm knew he would do whatever he could to find Mac and bring her home. He certainly hadn’t counted on the spy falling for her or her falling for the spy...and he wasn’t sure that either of them had. Instead they formed a bond forged out of trauma and despair. Harm might have been able to handle things better without a head injury, but that was not to be. They had crashed and his head had been slammed by several branches and the impact of the landing. Mac had come out of it relatively unscathed physically, but it was another blow to her emotional stability. Now more then ever she needed someone to lean on a little but Harm wasn’t there for her emotionally after seeing the interactions with Webb. So Mac had built a wall to strengthen herself as she operated on adrenaline and fear.

Harm’s reality changed when Chegwidden didn’t take him back. He was once again emotionally unavailable to anyone. He had nothing to offer Mac and she was consumed with whatever it was that was there between her and Clay. When Mac had told him that there could never be an us, he had accepted her declaration because he couldn’t think or reason it out. Later he was afraid that they would continue to hurt each other if he didn’t keep some distance between them while he figured out what he wanted, how he should go about accomplishing it and then began executing his plan.

After he started working for the Agency, he had not returned her calls, because he was afraid the anger he had would come out toward her and he was not angry at her. He was beginning to understand a few things, and knew that they were both confused and had a lot to work through. He was just beginning to realize that he needed to change how he did things when the television crew captured him and the agency responded by letting him go. Financially he didn’t need to work right away, but emotionally he needed to have something to do that he did well and could feel useful.

That was when he had found Mattie Grace. She needed him and he needed to be needed. He had even tried to convince Catherine Gayle that she and her baby needed him. Thankfully she had seen right through him. Her rejection would have stung if he had really cared for her. The fact that they shrugged it off and spent a few hours just talking over dinner, dessert and tea that evening told him that he wasn’t emotionally invested in a relationship with her.

While he enjoyed being paid for flying as well as the challenge of crop dusting, he knew that he needed something more to be fulfilled. He was almost ready to look into starting a private law practice when Mac had shown up at his door asking for help. That had in turn opened a door for him to return to the Navy. He knew that was what he wanted...to finish out his twenty years and have another chance to work things out with Mac. And then he had realized just how much Mattie needed him and he had put her first. As he learned how to deal with Mattie he learned more about why Mac was the way she was...and why he was the way he was.

While Mattie and Mac both grew up with alcoholic fathers, and without a mother, Mattie’s situation was different from Mac’s. For Mac she heard empty promises when she was growing up. The words and the promises never panned out but the words were always there, so she kept believing that this time she would be told the truth. She learned to only believe or rely on herself. Yet, the pattern was so ingrained into her she honestly believed that if someone said they loved you they must and as long as you did the right things, they would be there for you and you wouldn’t be alone. If you didn’t do things right, or love them the way you were suppose to then they would be taken away. No one had shown her true love and caring and she didn’t recognize the little things as anything more then what a friend would do for another friend.

Harm grew up knowing that things happened beyond your control and that you had to accept them if you couldn’t control them. He had also learned that actions spoke louder then words. His mother said she would always love his father but when his father hadn’t come home she had turned to someone else to love and nothing Harm did could change that. He began to accept that actions and words didn’t match and therefore words couldn’t always be trusted. He had just started trusting words when he began to see how words could be used to influence people. He learned to use words as a lawyer and he was good at it, but in his personal life he only used words if he was going to speak the truth. The truth was every thing. Somewhere he began to internalize the concept that people he trusted would only speak the truth.

Reading the psychology books and learning about the effects of alcohol and trauma on an entire family helped Harm to figure out what he was doing and after hours of self reflection while playing the guitar, running or cycling he had been able to recognize the patterns of his own behavior and make some conscious changes. One of the most important changes was how he dealt with Mac. He had started to understand why she reacted to certain situations the way she did. For a year he hadn’t been certain what kind of relationship she had with Clay. He couldn’t control what she ultimately decided but he could let her know that there were options. He also could point out what he thought motivated her comments at times.

Harm knew that Mac wasn’t particularly promiscuous but he also knew that it was how she showed someone how she felt about them. When she had suggested that they have an affair five years ago in Sydney Harbor, it had been her way of showing him she cared about him. That was before he had accepted that he thought of her in those terms, although he knew he cared about her and he saw them having a future together. She in turn figured if he must not care for her if he didn’t want a physical relationship with her. His kiss on the porch had confused her because while it spoke to his desire for her, the words didn’t exist and she needed the words. Then after everything when they had started putting things back together the kiss under the mistletoe had happened. He had purposefully kept it light.

Harm had started to realize this past year, that Mac didn’t always say what she wanted or needed. He told her she hedged her bets and played it safe. He started to realize the night she had told him that he didn’t fight her about saying there would never be an ‘us’ that the thing between them was still there. When she showed up in court and spoke on his behalf to the judge in regards to his ability to be a parent, Harm had realized that she had been hiding her feelings from him and that her reaction to his request to speak for him was more about letting her real feelings show then him not telling her about Mattie sooner.

Every time she lashed out at him, he started to figure out why and confront her with his theory. He stopped trying to tell her what she wanted but made it obvious he would accept her decision. Slowly Mac stopped being mad at him all the time and started letting him closer, letting them be friends again. By the time Sadik reappeared she couldn’t hide the fact that she cared for Harm, but she had gotten herself into another relationship with a man that made promises that he couldn’t keep. She hung on for all she could at that point, but every now and then she had let something slip that told Harm she still cared about him.

Harm had learned that changing his actions and being less predictable made more impression on Mac. When she had asked him if he was trying to push her into Clay’s arms, instead of denying it or affirming it, he gave her something to think about by telling her the truth. “If you really loved Clay, then it doesn’t matter what I want,” he told her as he walked away. She hadn’t expected that. He had used words not to argue or lie or make a promise, but to make a statement that was so true it made her think and wonder.

He also noticed little things and commented on them. No one else noticed when her back bothered her, or if they did they didn’t say anything. Harm did. He expressed concern and after it went on for months he took care of her. He called the doctor to get an appointment and did what he could to make her comfortable without invading her space.

Every day he saw the circles under eyes getting darker and she appeared thinner. She was still beautiful but her skin even seemed to be more transparent. She let him know that things weren’t going great with Clay, but that he had made her a promise. The first two days the gifts arrived, she was thrilled. Harm had slipped a little then letting his disdain for trinkets show when they were being sent as a replacement for something real and meaningful...but then they had stopped.

Harm’s heart had broken for her when she had arrived at his door to announce that Clay was dead. His first reaction was that he had faked it again, but Mac was adamant that he must be dead because she couldn’t feel him. Harm had wanted to hold her and comfort her then, but settled for holding her hand and asking what he could do. She had told him that he was doing what she needed for now.

When Mac had finally admitted that she had needed to have a procedure done because of the pain in her back Harm had kicked himself for not being there for her. She needed someone and Harm wanted it to be him that was there for her. As the evening wore on Harm had become more and more concerned about Mac. He knew that one of Mac’s issues was wanting children but now with Clay out of the picture, and the five years being up, he didn’t want her to rush into something or look else where when he was willing to modify the deal. So he had reminded her of the anniversary of their promise had told her that it was good for anytime she was ready.

The look on her face still haunted him. He feared he had gone to far at first, but she had turned to him and told him how most men just passed through her life - except him. “Will you always be there for me?” she had asked and his simple, “Yes.” spoke volumes. She had told him more about the procedure, then and her new fear that she’d never be able to have children. He was glad he had taken the risk and that for once, she had turned to him and let him in.

This was something that neither part of the person she had become was use to and Harm wanted to make sure he didn’t screw this up. At first he had gone overboard, but when she had told him it was just too much too soon, he had relaxed a little and focused on the little things. He would call to check in; stop by her office to see if she wanted her coffee refilled; bring her leftovers for lunch - compliments of him and Mattie. She rewarded him with a smile sometimes. Then Clay had reappeared.

Harm had found that whole situation almost too much of a challenge. When he had found Clay on that beach he had wanted to kill him with his bare hands for what he had put her through, but Mac’s safety came first. They had devised a plan quickly to stop Tanveer and save Mac...but Tanveer had out maneuvered them until Mrs. Webb had shown up. Afterwards Harm had helped Mac to her feet. He had fought the urge to fold her into his arms and just hold on. He had watched her walk away with Clay. Eventually had been able to excuse himself to wait on the beach. She had announced that she and Clay were done. She couldn’t handle the lies and the fact that he would sell out anyone for the mission.

Harm had asked her if that was what she wanted and she had said she didn’t know. He had offered to let her talk it out with him, but she had claimed that there was too much to deal with. So he had stood up and told her to let him know when she was ready to talk and had walked away down the beach. He gave her the control she wanted or needed while letting her know he was there for her.

Slowly Mac was dealing with things. She was now at the point he had been almost a year ago he estimated. She was beginning to understand how what she did and said effected how other people reacted to her.

Today on the Hennessy when he saw her reaction to Creswell’s name he knew that she would worry herself sick if she didn’t get it out on the table. He knew that she had only started getting a good nights sleep this past week and didn’t want her to have a set back if it could be avoided. Later when she let it slip that she was worried about being separated from him he had schooled himself not to over-react. He knew that Mac wasn’t ready to discuss their relationship or move it to another level...it was enough to hear her say she didn’t want to be separated from him. She needed him the same way he needed her. They were family whether she knew it yet or not, that’s what they were.

He saw the carrier deck below and felt the thump of the landing. He unbuckled his harness and gathered his things. Mac did the same thing. He knew she was relieved that a last minute change had resulted in someone else being chosen as JAG over Creswell. That relief was short lived when they stepped off the chopper.

“Commander Rabb, a message for you sir.”

“Thank you Ensign Mendez..the COD?”

“Waiting for you and the Colonel sir.”

“Thank you...Come on Mac. One more air trip and you’‘ll be home.” Harm read the note as they approached the COD. “Uh-oh...Mac?”

“What?”

“Another message from Bud...at the last minute Creswell won them over. He’s in the office tonight.”

“Great...”

“Mac, we need to give him a chance.” They boarded the COD and fastened their seat belts as the doors were secured. They were catapulted into the air the very second they were in.

Once airborne, Harm looked at Mac. “Let’s not buy trouble...you’ve done a good job at JAG and if he knows what’s good for him, he’s going to see that and accept you for the Marine you are.”

“But what if he can’t get past it?”

“Mac, I know you’re worried and those feelings are real...but what can he do to you? It came up in a court of law and the judge ruled that it was too late to take any action. Since then you’re record is clean. You were promoted early to a Lieutenant Colonel. What is it that you are so concerned about...and I don’t buy that it’s ancient history.”

“I’ve got some dings on my record this past year.”

“Like what?”

“I didn’t pay attention and gave opposing council information that was given to me confidentially and it hurt my client.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“It was when you were gone.”

“Well if I didn’t hear about it when I came back it couldn’t have been anything the Admiral considered too serious... Look Mac, you went through a lot this past year professionally and personally, but you did what you had to do and any commanding officer worth his or her salt is going to recognize that and support you.”

“I know that on some level at least, its just...”

“Just what?”

“Admiral Chegwidden knew us so well and understood the way things are between us. He watched this thing we have grow and become what it has become. He would have worked with us so that our relationship would not be an issue at JAG. He would have worked something out like he did for Bud and Harriet...but Creswell, knowing my history, isn’t going to tolerate anything...even the appearance of impropriety and he’ll take action. How are we going to be able to make plans when we are ready?”

Harm took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Are you telling me that you are ready to move on...with me?”

Mac studied her hands in her lap before she looked up at him and locked her gaze with his. She slowly nodded her head yes...and then he saw it...the smile started slowly and he waited encouraging her by smiling with her. At last he saw the light in her eyes and the full smile that he had been waiting to see again for over a year. He reached over to take her hand in his ignoring the fact they were in uniform and there were others on the COD. But she shook it and placed it back in her lap as he turned and sat back in his seat, closing his eyes.

“Your place or mine?” Harm asked her.

“What?”

Harm could hear the panic in her voice and sat up turning to look her in the eyes realizing how his words had sounded. “Calm down...I only met so we can talk and I would like to hold your hand or give you a hug...can’t take a chance on doing that in public in uniform.”

“Oh...I thought...”

“I know...and I do but we’re going to take this a step at a time until we are both ready and we are going to make sure that our new commanding officer isn’t going to have grounds to take action.”

“Harm, if we move this forward...”

“When, Mac...when...not if.”

“When we move forward, one of us will have to leave JAG and I have some ideas.”

“No running Marine.”

“No...but if Creswell has a problem with me, then I could look for a billet at Quantico, the Pentagon, Capitol Hill...there are several options right there in Washington.”

“Yes, but don’t forget, I’ve been a Commander for five years and with my time away, I’m not going to see another promotion. I’ve changed designators too many times, resigned my commission, and have even more recently then you been reprimanded. I don’t have many more years to serve the Navy regardless of how many locations I consider. I’ve thought about other possibilities as well. NCIS would probably take me as they don’t care about rank. Then there’s private practice...”

“Harm stop...I don’t want to think about us not working together.”

“It won’t happen right away Mac. Promotion board doesn’t meet until next spring which is when my name will appear on the years-in list. Let’s give the new guy a chance and give ourselves a break.”

“Thanks Harm...”

“For what?”

“Calming me down...not making fun of my slip...just helping me to think it through.”

“No problem Marine.”

They talked about a variety of things during the remainder of the flight to Andrews. Mac knew he was anxious to check on Mattie so she suggested they stop by his place first and then she could get a taxi or take the train home later. He agreed to stop at his place first, it was closer, but he insisted that he would take her home when it was time.

They left most of her things in his car, but she did bring up her overnight bag that had a clean change of civilian clothes in it...slacks and a top. While Mac changed, Harm was going to let Mattie know he was back. As he turned to leave the apartment he saw the note on the door. He opened it and read: Harm, I’m in Blacksburg this weekend. I forgot to tell you before you left. I’ll see you Sunday night probably. Love, Mattie.

“Something wrong?”

“No. Mattie’s father picked her up and she’s spending the weekend with him down there.”

“Bothers you to think about her leaving doesn’t it?”

“Yes...I try not to, and I wanted her to repair her relationship with him. He’s not a bad guy and he deserved another chance. He made some mistakes...big ones but he also tried to set the things straight that he could. If he could have brought his wife back he would have changed places with her in a heartbeat.”

“And Mattie had the fortitude to work through everything with him, didn’t she?”

“Yes.”

“Thanks to you. She was as angry as I was at first.”

“Yes.”

“But you helped her through and you’ve helped me through.”

Have I?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Harm, what were you going to do when we got back here?”

“Oh yeah...” he started walking closer to her. “I wanted to hold your hand but I couldn’t because we were on the COD.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes...I wanted to give you a hug.” He felt her step into his space as his arms wrapped around her. Still standing like that he heard her ask him, “Anything else?”

“Are you ready for more?”

“I think so.”

“Stop me if I go to far Sarah.” Harm heard a little gasp - almost a sob - when he used her given name. He looked into her eyes and moved his face closer to her, lowering his lips to hers. He closed his eyes then and savored the feel of her lips moving against his. Harm held her a little tighter and deepened the kiss letting his tongue seek entrance into her mouth. She stopped him there, but he could feel her heart hammering inside her and knew she was as excited as he was. When they finally stepped apart, Harm knew that he had to take her home and come back here alone or he would keep pushing her until he lost control. They weren’t ready for that yet.

As they traveled across town, Mac told Harm, “I remember Creswell as a man of few words...in and out of the courtroom. Maybe that’s why you bowled me over with your eloquent speeches in those early days. Anyway, I think I remember him being a man that believed in the truth - like you do and I won’t be surprised if you two get along and Sturgis and Bud have a problem with him.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, you know I think a lot of Bud...but when he gets stuck between two difficult choices and he knows the people involved, he tends to support the one that he thinks will be the most influential in his career. With all the difference that he and Sturgis have had since the beginning, while Sturgis has been in charge, Bud has practically lived in his pocket. And we both know that Sturgis has developed some personality traits that are hard to take at times for whatever reason.”

“Yes. You know I haven’t gotten over the way he spoke to you last spring...”

“Is that why you are so angry with him?”

“I’m not angry, but I felt his comments were uncalled for and I thought he was rigid and biased at times. He has always leaned that way - I think because of growing up a preacher’s kid he’s always felt the pressure to be better-morally and instead of being tolerant he’s become more judgmental. I guess it back fired for him.”

“He’s not done that bad a job as acting JAG Harm.”

“I know...but there are issue between us that have perhaps magnified the problem.”

“Us as in you and I or us as in you and Sturgis?”

“Both maybe. Look Mac, I do want to talk to you more about this, but not tonight. That okay with you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay...I’ll walk you to your door.”

Harm walked Mac to her apartment and kissed her goodnight as if they had just been on a date. “Talk to you tomorrow...”

Mac watched him walk away before she went into her apartment and closed the door. She was ready for a long soak in the tub.

0015 Local

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown

Despite the lack of sleep, Mac wasn’t ready to go to bed. She needed to think about the most recent developments in her earthquake of life. Stripping off her clothes as the tub filled with water and vanilla scented bubbles, Sarah Mackenzie stripped away the tough Marine exterior; the need to be strong and in control; and the person ruled by the structured military life she lead. As she stood naked in front of the mirror, the woman was allowed to appear. The one that sometimes wanted and needed a man to lean on; the one that could dream; the one that could imagine having a life of love and happiness with the handsome man that had been her working partner and best friend in the good and bad times over most of the last nine years. Here in the safe world of her home and behind closed doors in her bathroom she could be the soft, sexy, woman she wanted to be with Harm. Slowly she stepped into the tub and lower herself into the warm vanilla scented heaven. She leaned her head back onto the tub pillow and allowed the warm water to seep into to body.

It only took a few seconds for the aroma therapy and the bubbles to work their magic. She could still feel Harm’s lips on hers and the way her body had come to life in his arms. She touched her breast trying to imagine what it would feel like if Harm touched her like that. She thought about his large strong but gentle touch. She could still feel his hand on her arm when he stopped her on the frigate after they had first heard about Creswell. She tried to imagine that hand on her breast and immediately her nipples reacted. Standing erect they peeked through the soap bubbles at her. Sliding a little deeper into the water Mac thought about the time that Harm had seen her in a tub of bubbles. It was not a good time in their lives, but the memory of the look on his face and the desire in his eyes, could still warm her.

“I had forgotten how beautiful you are...” he had told her when she asked him why he was looking at her the way he was. It had been one of the few times that Harm had even hinted that he desired her. She had seen that look in his eyes tonight. It didn’t frighten her. Blurting out that she loved him and finding out that he was only interested in a role in the hay frightened her.

Dr. McCool had worked with her to help her understand that Lt. Colonel Sarah “Mac” Mackenzie was the same person in or out of uniform. That while in uniform she had to behave in a pre-determined manner in most situations, there was still a part of her day and a place in her life where she could let the other side of herself show...the side that was Sarah...feminine, sexy, needy at times, giving at other times. It was the civilian side of her that could pick bold colors, or pastels.   She had also helped her to understand that she had choices and regardless of what she wore she alone had the power to decide which part of her she would use in any given situation. Even when in uniform there were times she could be a woman and when she was in her frilliest dress she could be tough. It had taken awhile for Mac to reconcile the two parts of her personality again. Somewhere in the last year she had lost the balance that she had lived with before.

It had been during one of the sessions when they had talked about her history with men, and Harm in particular, that Mac had discovered how different Harm was with her then any other man. First of all it didn’t matter what she had done or said, Harm eventually found it in himself to forgive her and put it in the past. Secondly, no matter how she flirted with him, Harm didn’t take advantage of her or the situation. Third, Harm accepted her word - her decision- and honored it. No other man had done that, accept maybe John Farrow. That day Mac realized for the first time what Harm had really been saying to her on the ferry in Sydney Harbor that night.

FLASHBACK

“They wrote eternity in lights on that bridge on New Year’s Eve.”

“Is that how long we’re going to wait?”

“Location doesn’t change who we are Mac.”

“Some men would disagree with you, you know.”

“I know...I disagree with me too sometimes.”

“You’re this only this way with me, aren’t you?”

“Only with you.”

“I guess I should be flattered.”

“You should be, Sarah.”

END FLASHBACK (to Sydney Harbor)

For the first time she understood that he was trying to tell her that she was special; that what they shared between them was unique and needed to be handled differently and with special attention so that it wasn’t damaged or mishandled. Dr. McCool had asked her if she still felt he was telling her he wasn’t interested in her.

“No...he was telling me back then he was falling in love with me. If he hadn’t cared about me...about us...then going to bed with me would be no big deal.”

Now as she relaxed in the tub another thought came to her. When Harm had promised to go halves on a kid with her in five years if neither of them were in a relationship, he had been making a commitment to her. He hadn’t made a commitment to Jordan which prompted her to leave. He hadn’t promised Renee marriage though she had come right out and told him and everyone that would listen that she wanted to marry Harm and have babies with him. Harm had even offered to move the time table forward for her if that’s what she wanted she remembered.

She sighed and added some warm water to the tub and a few more bubbles. Harm had made a commit to her five years ago. He knew he had to grow up and he knew that he needed to change things in his life even back then. But as he had matured into the man he was today, she had stalled in her growth. In fact she had become childish and petulant at times. She had taken her unhappiness out on him. She had assumed that he was chasing every pretty girl that batted her eyes at him. But not Harm. He had decided what he wanted and he was waiting for her to remember that she wanted him too.

Mac had been so sure that Alicia Montez had caught his interest. She had been obvious in her interest in him: kissing his cheek in public; wearing low cut v-neck blouses; giggling; whispering in his ear; holding his arm as they walked while looking up at him adoringly. When Mac had gone to his house that night to talk to him about some things, and Alicia had been there, she had seen the ‘you’re intruding’ look the woman had given her. When Harm had asked if it could wait, she had been mortified and back away trying to get out of there before he could see her tears.

Two days later she had learned, thanks to Mattie, that there had been two people there that night having dinner with him and Mattie while they discussed a case they were trying the next day. It had been nothing more then a working dinner to him. Mattie had also told Mac that he had seemed distressed about the way she had left his apartment and had tried to call her even before they left. Mac had felt foolish for jumping to conclusion and made a decision to try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Mac washed her hair and rinsed it and then began to use her loofah sponge on her body. The rough texture on her sensitive breasts again instigated fantasies about what it would feel like to rub her breasts against Harm’s chest hair.

She had only seen him with without a shirt on once...the first time they thought Clayton Webb had died. She had insisted that she stay in his apartment to watch out for him that night. During the night she had accidentally disturbed his sleep. She had been cold and he had gotten out of bed and come into the living room wearing only his boxers. He had turned up the heat in the apartment, but it had been the heat from his body that had really warmed her up. She had stared at that muscular chest of his and had to use every bit of strength in her not to wrap her arms around his waist and rest her head against him. He had gone back to bed then, while she had cleaned his gun to give herself something to do besides run her hands over that hard warm chest of his.

Mac smiled as she thought about the other glimpse she had been treated to that night. While boxers covered a lot of skin, they could be a bit see through if the light was just right. They also had a tendency to gaped open at times. Harm and Mac had worked and traveled together in many situations even in the first year or two. She was pretty sure he was well built, but that night the boxers had revealed more then he realized. It was an imagine that Mac had never forgotten and one she wanted to see again.

Now she closed her eyes and let the image take shape. She allowed herself the fantasy that had lurked in the corner of her mind all these years creating more sexual tension between them then anyone probably realized...especially Harm.

Her hands became his hands as she caressed her soapy wet body starting with her lips and neck and then her shoulders and breasts. Fingers played with her hardened nipples and the palms of her hands massaged the full globes of her breasts. Slowly her hands wandered further down her body. A finger traced her navel and then slid into the tiny patch of curls that remained covering her mound. She felt the fingernail lightly tease her inner thigh and the muscles there trembled reacting to the touch not the owner of the hand.

Mac tilted her head back and arched her spine, lifting her breasts from the water. She slipped her fingers into the inner folds and found the bud of nerves hidden there. She played with it until her hips began to lift and thrust making little waves in the tub. She wished she had been brave and daring and purchased a vibrator or something at some point in her single life, but had never needed to - always finding a willing specimen to satisfy her sexual needs. She used one hand on her breasts and the other to stimulate herself. She heart was pounding and her breath was coming in gasps when the phone rang. She had brought the portable into the bathroom with her and left it on the commode.

“Hello?”

“It’s me. Thought you’d want to know I made it home.”

“Harm...I - ahh...thanks.”

“Are you in the tub?” Harm had heard the water splash in the background.

“Yes...I was just getting out. Hold on.” Mac set the phone down and wrapped herself in a towel before grabbing the phone again.

“Sorry...what were you saying?” Mac asked, glad he couldn’t see her or the way she was blushing.

“Kind of late to take a bath isn’t it?”

“I just felt like taking one. They help me relax and sleep - usually.”

“So you ready to crawl into bed and get some sleep after your relaxing bath.”

“You have no idea...” Mac smiled thinking how he would react if she told him what she had really been doing.

Harm had been home over half an hour when he had called. He couldn’t stop thinking about her. For some reason he just knew she wasn’t asleep yet and had decided to indulge himself and listen to her voice again before he tried to sleep. Holding her and kissing her had put ideas in his head tonight and he was having more trouble going to sleep at night without finding some release. Cold showers had stopped working when he knew that she was seriously thinking about fulfilling the baby deal with him at some point in the near future - if she could.

Although he knew that it was possible that she could chose to go with a scientific method to conceive their child, he hoped she’d be willing to try conception naturally first. The anticipation of making love with her left him in various states of arousal most of the time lately. He had often resorted to carrying his cover, brief case, a jacket, anything he could in front of himself so as not to embarrass anyone. He hadn’t had a problem like this even as a teenager. Harm could hear her moving around as they talked and wondered if she was crawling into bed.

“Are you in bed?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“That was fast - tub to the shower in less then two minutes.”

“I - ah - yeah.”

“Talk to me Mac. Something’s bothering you isn’t it?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Have I ever told you that your voice is very sexy on the phone?”

“No.”

“It is...I could listen to you all night.”

“You sound different tonight.”

“What do you mean, Mac?”

“You voice seems...huskier...softer...I’m not sure how to explain it.”

“Aroused?”

“What?”

“I’ve been told that my voice changes when I’m aroused.”

“Oh!”

“I’ve been thinking about you...does that bother you?” Harm asked.

“No...I’ve been thinking about you too.” Mac let her hand skim her breast again before resting on her stomach. She had toweled off and slid into bed naked, pulling the comforter over her for warmth.

“I enjoyed kissing you tonight.”

“Is that why...never mind...”

“Is that why I’m aroused?”

“Are you?”

“Some...kissing you and thinking about what I want to do to you does that to me I guess.”

“Me too.” Neither spoke for a second. Mac thought, “Oh God! I’ve done it again and blurted out something I wasn’t ready to share with him.”

“I’m glad.”

“You are?”

“Yes...and one of these days I’m going to find out what makes you feel good and what makes you satisfied.” He heard her gasp and smiled to himself. He had never teased her like this, but had decided it was time. If they were going to make a baby naturally, they needed to find a comfort level with each other in dealing with sex.

“Do you think I can satisfy you, Harm?”

“Oh yes,” his voice was even huskier when he spoke this time. He didn’t think she was ready to know that he was stroking himself as they talked but the effect her voice and his hand was having was building.

“Carolyn Imes tried to get Jordan to tell us what you were like in bed one time.”

“She didn’t...” Harm couldn’t believe Jordan would have said much, but then again, he had been in a highly emotional state during most of the time they were together. “Don’t believe every thing you hear.”

“That’s too bad. She said you were warm and generous and knew how to make your partner feel good.”

“She said that?”

“Yes...what did you think she would say?”

“I’m not sure. So now you have an idea of what to expect when we do get together...don’t you think I should know what to expect?”

“Maybe...but I’m not talking.”

“Not fair, Marine....”

“You’ll find out soon how wild I can be...but only if I can go now.”

“Good-night Sarah.”

“Good-night Harm.”

They both hung up the phones they were holding, feeling even more frustrated then before. That night in two apartments, in two parts of Washington DC, two people - one man and one woman - sought release alone in bed at their own hand pretending it was the hand of the one they loved that was touching them. Both vowed to end the loneliness soon.

*****

Monday November 1, 2004

0750 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm dropped his things in his office before heading to the kitchen to see if the coffee was ready. It was and Mac was already there fixing her cup.

“Hey Mac...”

“Morning Harm...”

They looked at each other feeling a bit unsure of each other, each one wondering if the other had re-thought their position since Friday night when they had returned from their assignment. Each one thinking about the intimate way their conversation had gone when Harm called to let her know he had safely returned home. Mac was looking at Harm with a new awareness this morning. She had thought about his question from Friday night several times over the weekend. He had basically told her that thinking about her turned him on. She hadn’t thought he thought of her like that and had in fact been certain that he didn’t find her attractive after all these years. Having him admit to her that he was aroused and knowing that she would listen for the tell-tale huskiness in his voice from here on out was a heady feeling.

Before the silence became uncomfortable they were summoned to the new JAG’s office.

“Commander Rabb and Colonel Mackenzie are here sir,” Petty Officer Coates announced to General Creswell.

“Send them in.” He watched as the naval commander and Marine Lt. Colonel came to attention in front of his desk. He studied them a moment as he quickly recalled their files. “At ease. Have a seat.” As soon as they were seated he flipped open a case file and began.

“I know you both returned late Friday night from an investigation in the Atlantic, but I need to send the two of you to the Middle East. There is a situation brewing there and while I’m not sure both of you are needed to handle it, you each have skills that are vital to the success of the mission. Colonel Mackenzie, your language skills are again going to be vital to getting the information from the Iraqi’s you will need to interview. Commander Rabb, your refusal to give up until you’ve found the truth is legendary and while I don’t know you, that’s the scuttlebutt and its what is needed on this case. I’ve been informed that the two of you make an effective team and while you don’t always agree you get the job done. Is that a fair assumption?”

“Yes sir.” Harm and Mac answered in unison.

“Commander Turner had indicated that although you both can be difficult to work with, you enjoy working together. I don’t care whether you like working together or not...I do care that the job gets done right. Here are the files. Review them and be ready for transport dressed in civilian gear in three hours. Fastest route is a commercial flight out of Dulles to Naples, Italy. From there you’ll catch military transport to your destination. I expect to hear from you within twelve hours of your arrival in Kerkuk, with a status report on your findings to that point. Questions?”

“No sir.”

“Dismissed.”

Harm and Mac executed a sharp turn and exited Creswell’s office.

“Mac why don’t I pick you up at your place in about an hour, seeing as we’re suppose to check-in two hours before departure.”

“Why don’t we have get a driver to pick us up so we don’t have to leave either car at Dulles?”

“Okay...”

“Harm, you go...it’s going to take you longer to get home then me. I’ll call for the driver and we’ll pick you up.”

“Alright. See you in about an hour.”

Harm returned home and changed into a tan suit with a black shirt. He left a note for Mattie and Jen before re-packing his sea bag. He locked his apartment and stepped outside just as the car pulled up. The driver got out and helped him with his bags while he settled in the back seat next to Mac.

He noticed her gray skirt and jacket with the contrasting red blouse she wore. She looked the consummate professional ready to step into the courtroom or board room at a moment’s notice. When he saw her dressed this way, it was hard to believe that she could look equally as comfortable in BDU’s with a pound of sand covering her.

Once at the airport, they checked in and were then shown to a waiting area normally reserved for business men. Coates had pulled some strings while booking their flight and managed to get them up-graded to business class which meant more leg room on the flight and work space while they waited.

“This is nice. Remind me to thank Coates for managing to pull this one off,” Mac told Harm.

“Good idea. So did you pick up on any vibes with Creswell this morning?”

“No...don’t you find it curious that we were just out and we got sent out again instead of Bud or Sturgis or anyone else?”

“No...I suspect the general asked the forming acting JAG who he was considering sending out and Sturgis would have told him us.”

“Why would Sturgis do that?”

“I don’t know Mac...to keep us out of his hair? To let him have a chance to influence the new JAG?”

“But won’t that work to your advantage at least...and maybe mine?”

“Talk to me Mac. What are you thinking?”

“I’m not sure...but Sturgis doesn’t like heat coming his way...he doesn’t like his calm, peaceful existence ruffled...and you, Commander, ruffle existence,” Mac teased.

“Do I ruffle your existence, Colonel?”

“Yes...sometimes you do...but I’m use to it and I know how to control you.”

“Oh really? And how do you control me?”

“I make you see reason...I point out your weakest areas and use them to make you listen to me.”

“I see. I’ll have to watch you more closely Colonel Mackenzie...and then turn the tables on you.”

“You wish ‘Flyboy,’” Mac continued to needle him.

“At least it gives me an excuse to watch you...thank you.”

“What...Harm, I didn’t mean it...”

“Too late, Colonel...I’m not taking my eyes off you,” Harm grinned prompting Mac to smile back at him.

They finally were called to board the plane and Harm offered Mac the window seat.

“No, go ahead. I’d rather take the aisle seat if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind.” Harm slid into the seat after putting their carry on bags overhead.

They settled into their seats and buckled the seat belt while they waited for take off. As the plane began to taxi and then pick up speed, Harm felt Mac’s hand gripping his arm which had been resting on the armrest between them.

“Ah...Mac....can you let go of my arm...take my hand instead,” Harm offered.

Mac readily released his forearm and grabbed his hand.

“Mac, I don’t remember you being this back taking off in military transport. Relax.”

“I can’t...I think it’s the uniform...I know I have to act a certain way in uniform but when I’m in civilian clothes I don’t have that support to rely on. Sorry if I hurt you.”

“You didn’t. We’re up now Mac...should be smooth flying for most of the trip...but you can hold my hand as long as you want,” he proposed.

“You’re too agreeable...I’m fine now.” Mac released his hand and leaned back in her seat.

“So Mac...did you finally get some sleep Friday night?”

“Yeah..You?”

“I did...I almost called you Saturday, but luckily I took care of laundry and got groceries so Mattie will be set seeing as I got called away so soon.”

“I did try to call you Sunday,” Mac admitted.

“Did you? I didn’t have a message.”

“No I didn’t leave one.”

“What did you need Mac?”

“I just thought I’d see what time Mattie was getting back...I thought the two of you could come over for dinner.”

“That would have been fun...I ended up going down to Blacksburg. Tom needed some help with a plane and I was able to meet Kevin before I brought Mattie back.”

“Oh...the boyfriend...how did that go?”

“Well I didn’t have my gun with me, but I mentioned it a few times.”

“Harmon Rabb - you didn’t!”

“No...but I had told Mattie I was going to so every time I started saying any thing that began with ‘g’ or ‘sh’ she almost panicked.”

“Harm that’s terrible...mean!”

“Mattie knew I was just kidding...and so did Kevin. He’s a good kid. His father retired from the Air Force last year. They moved to Blacksburg to be closer to Kevin’s maternal grandparents.”

“And you approved of the boy?”

“For now...”

They talked about little things for the first hour or so. Then Mac decided to take out a book to read, while Harm closed his eyes. When he opened them over an hour later, Mac’s head was resting against his arm and her hand rested on his thigh. He picked her hand up in his larger one and studied it.

Slowly Mac became aware of her hand being held. She opened her eyes and looked to see it resting in the Harm’s. She shifted her eyes upward and saw him looking down at her hand resting in his. She smiled just a little. She had to admit, at least to herself, that Harm had changed and that in fact for the last few months, he had been charming and even cute about the way he was there for her. He had vowed he would be and while she knew he would never make a promise he couldn’t keep, she had been afraid to hope that this time she could let him in and they could get things right.

Slowly this man had set to proving her wrong, and that in fact ‘us’ did exist and always would in one form or another. It was at that moment that Sarah Mackenzie knew her defenses with this man were gone and that in order for her to live a full and happy life she had to stop playing games and let Harm know that they were finally on the same page.

“Harm?” Mac murmured.

“Did I wake you?”

“No...Next time we have a chance to be alone and ummm, a chance to explore us...I’m ready. I know now that I’ve been putting off the inevitable. I want you Harm...”

“Your timing stinks, Mac...even if we are in uniform I’m not going to risk doing what I want to do...” Harm spoke lowly, his voice gravelly.

Mac smiled, “Your voice sounds aroused Harm...”

“Yeah...I wonder why...” he smiled at Mac to take any sting out of his words as he shifted in his seat trying to get more comfortable. “Behave yourself or we’ll both be embarrassed,” Harm sputtered as her hand returned to his thigh and her fingers began to inch up the inside of his leg.

Mac retracted her hand and they shared a smile. Content in knowing that they were both committed to making the relationship they shared work for them.

Friday November 5, 2004

1430 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

“Mac, I’ll drop these in my office and then meet you at yours so we can go together to debrief with Creswell.”

“Okay...Oh my God!”

“What? Mac, what’s wrong?” Harm turned back to her at her exclamation expecting to see shock at the very least on her face. Instead he was greeted with a smile.

“Look,” she commanded glancing up again.

Harm turned to see what had her attention, and there above the office next to hers, was the name plate, Commander, Harmon Rabb, Jr. Harm slowly looked around the corner and found his things almost exactly like they had been over a year ago before they had been packed up and moved out.

“Creswell?” Harm muttered wondering who had done this.

“No sir, Commander Turner arranged this,” announced Petty Officer First Class Jennifer Coates as she approached them.

“Why on earth would he have done that?” Harm asked no one particular.

“I think its his way of apologizing to you Harm,” Mac suggested.

“Ma’am. Sir. General Creswell is waiting for you in his office. Be sure to knock.” With her announcement delivered, PO Coates returned to her desk.

Setting their things down they quickly approached the General’s office and knocked on the door.

“Enter!”

“Lt. Colonel Mackenzie and Commander Rabb reporting as ordered sir!” announced Mac as they came to attention.

“At ease. Have a seat...” Creswell watched and waited as they took their seats in front of the desk.

“I was impressed with the work both of you did during the trial as I watched it on the ZNN feed.”

“Thank you sir.”

“I trust you found your office, Commander Rabb. Are you okay with this?”

“Yes sir...Sir, I am curious as to why the change.”

“I believe Commander Turner felt that it was a sign of goodwill. I take it that you two have differing styles that tend to create friction more often then not.”

“You could say that sir.”

“Tell me Commander, do you find it difficult or cumbersome to do the paperwork required of your job?” asked Creswell.

“No sir, not as a general rule. I will admit that I would prefer conducting investigations or being in the court room, but filing briefs, submitting after action reports, keeping the files up to date are all part of my duties and I take them seriously.”

“Colonel, what about you?”

“It’s part of the job sir, I job I enjoy I might add.”

“I see. Commander Turner led me to believe that you both had a dislike for paperwork and it was a struggle to complete. Why would he say that?” asked Creswell.

“Well sir, recently Commander Turner, as acting JAG, was piling on the additional assignments to a high level. I believe that he was taking it upon himself to make sure the office was in top shape when you took over. He ran a tight ship and as you might have noticed we have been short staffed. We all pitched in to get things done, however, we were also carrying full investigative and trial loads. We couldn’t always make Commanders Turner’s time lines.”

“I see. Do you resent Commander Turner for being appointed acting JAG by the SecNAv?” Creswell’s eyes bored into Harm as he waited for an answer.

“No sir. As I told Admiral Chegwidden, our former CO, after sitting in for him as acting JAG a few times and as a judge, I felt that my talents lay in investigations and as an attorney and that Colonel Mackenzie is much better suited to either roll.”

“Are you saying that Lt. Colonel Mackenzie is not a good investigator or litigator?”

“No sir! Colonel Mackenzie has shown a high level of skill at all aspect of her job, sir. I consider myself fortunate to have been able to work as her partner.”

Creswell eyed both of the senior attorneys in his office. What he was seeing and hearing first hand, backed up what he had gotten from Chegwidden’s reports. He decided to push one more issue before making a final decision on these two.

“ I understand that you resigned your commission last year in order to rescue Colonel Mackenzie while on a CIA mission, and that you were later reinstated. I’d like to hear what you have to say about this situation, Commander...and then your view Colonel.”

“We had both worked with Clayton Webb with CIA on cases before he tapped Colonel Mackenzie for that mission. When she let me know she would be going I was concerned because he has a reputation for not thinking things through completely and needing to be bailed out at the last second. When we have worked on missions together, we were able to cover each other and salvage the mission. I was concerned because Colonel Mackenzie would be going in alone this time. We got word that Webb and the colonel were missing. I asked the admiral to send me down there so I could look for them. He denied my request. I then asked for leave so I could go down there on my own. He denied my request again. I knew that part of the reason was because of potential political implications. I also knew that I could not live with myself if I didn’t do something. Having worked with a Navy Seal and a Marine for so many years as well as my personal code of honor, I could not just let it go. I believe that you don’t leave your team behind and although it was not an assignment given to me, Colonel Mackenzie and even Webb were part of a team I had worked with over the years. I felt that I had to do something, and given that I didn’t have a wife or children relying on me, unlike some others in this office, I was the likely candidate to go.”

“And so you disregarded you commanding officers orders to do this?” Creswell asked.

“Yes sir, as a last resort. The Navy has been my life, but past experiences and instincts told me that if I didn’t go, then at least two good people would be dead.”

“Would you do it again?”

“As a last resort, yes sir I would...but what I would do differently is have a better plan and I would look into more options first. I also know that if I had been even a couple of minutes later arriving, Colonel Mackenzie and Clayton Webb would have died.”

“Colonel?”

“Yes sir. I was strapped to a table and they were ready to electrocute me when Commander Rabb arrived. He and Gunnery Sargent Galindez managed to rescue us and while the Gunny got Webb to a hospital, Commander Rabb and I were able to take out the missiles.”

“Yes...and I understand you took out the terrorist months later when he showed up in the area.”

“Yes sir.”

“Why were you reinstated?”

“Admiral Chegwidden was short staffed and decided that I was more benefit to the Navy then moving into the civilian sector, so after telling me to grow up he informed me he would request I be reinstated. They had my records changed to show that I had been TAD with the CIA for a period of time between Paraguay and my return here.”

“You worked with the CIA too?”

“Yes. They wanted to utilize my pilot skills.”

“Well, Commander Rabb...Don’t make a mistake and think I would take your resignation lightly...but I commend you for taking action. I may have done something similar and I am not likely to agree to any joined efforts between CIA and JAG so this issue won’t come up again. I also feel I might have handled that situation somewhat differently from my predecessor which is neither here nor there. I respect people that make decisions and that learn from their experiences and take responsibilities for their actions. You strike me as a man that does that.”

“Thank you sir.”

“Colonel Mackenzie, you’ve been quiet through out this discussion. Do you have anything to say regarding Paraguay or Commander Rabb?”

“Yes sir. While Commander Rabb was with the other agency, it became painfully obvious to those of us here, how much he did for us in this office.”

“How so Colonel?”

“He was a sounding board for taking out our frustrations; he bounced ideas off us and encouraged us to do the same with him; he encouraged, guided and pushed people into his way of thinking - that the truth is everything. He led by example and he had the respect of everyone in this office. He protected many of us by climbing out on a limb with one of our theories so that he could take the heat, but he also made sure that if it worked, the person with the idea got the credit. He has often carried the heaviest load without complaint. While we’ve all teased him about some of the things he’s done to get his point across, I think we’ve all envied him the strength, courage and conviction to do what ever has to be done to get the job done.”

Creswell looked from one to the other and back again. Both officers were keeping their eyes fixed on one another. He had thought that maybe Rabb would be watching her as she spoke about him, but that was not the case. Deciding to try to surprise them and catch them off guard, Creswell leaned back in his chair and asked, “Do you two have an improper relationship that I need to worry about?”

“No sir!” they answered in unison. Harm then spoke first.

“Sir, we have worked together nine years. Anyone that works that long with one person, male or female, gets to know the other person well, maybe almost as well as they know themselves. The point I’m making sir, is that if two people of the same sex became friends after working together almost nine years, no one question it, yet we are constantly being questioned. Yes we are close. Yes we have supported each other in a lot of situations. We even hugged in uniform on more then one occasion. We care about each other. We are friends. Could it develop into something more? Yes sir it could. But at this point neither of us has allowed that to happen. Could that change? Yes sir it could and I hope that it does. It is also my understanding that as long as we are both the same rank and that we act professionally while in uniform and on the job, it is not a problem for us to see each other outside of work. If that is a problem, sir, I would appreciate you letting us know now.”

“And if it is a problem, Commander?”

“Then Colonel Mackenzie and I will have to discuss whether we wish to deny ourselves for our careers or whether one of us needs to request a change so that we can pursue a personal relationship.”

“Colonel?”

“Sir, when I was young, I made some foolish decisions, and I hope that as I’ve matured I’ve gained wisdom and insight. As Commander Rabb has indicated, we have developed a friendship that nothing can tear apart. It is a relationship that I value. We have discussed taking our relationship to another level but have not acted on it because of the complications. It took us a long time to admit to ourselves, say nothing about each other that it even existed. I will not ignore it any longer, but I will refrain from acting rashly and try to find a solution that is right for everyone.”

“I see. Rabb, you seem to have a way of getting involved with people regardless of rank. Is this a fair assessment?”

“I’m not sure sir...”

“Let’s see, so far I’ve heard Coates attest to your interest in her personal life; Roberts credits both of you with much of what he’s become; Chegwidden noted that you often will pick up extra cases because you ‘care about the person and their plight and correcting wrongs;’ and I spoke to an Ensign Tiner about returning to Jag and he said he would be ‘honored to have an opportunity to have Commander Rabb as his mentor’...Rabb do you think getting this personally involved makes you a good leader?”

“I will let you be the judge of that sir. I do think that I am able to help people reach their potential and I hate to see people that are talented and intelligent not using the skills God blessed them with.”

Creswell studied the two officers before him. “I respect people that challenge themselves and those around them. I don’t compromise my principles and from what I can tell neither do you. I expect we will butt heads from time to time. I will not use my authority to stop productive discussions, however, when I give an order I expect it to be carried out. As for the personal relationship you are considering, you are both aware of the UCMJ and military protocol. Keep it out of the office and out of uniform...” Creswell paused and then a small smile cracked his face as a twinkle appeared in his eye and he continued. “I was going to tell you to carry on but that might not be the best choice of words. Dismissed.”

Harm and Mac came to their feet and to attention, both smiling, as they responded again in unison, “Yes sir.”

Once out of Creswell’s office they proceeded to Harm’s office without a word, closed the door and turned to each other.

“That was intense. How you doing Colonel?” Harm asked as he leaned against his desk.

“I’m floored. It wasn’t really what I expected.”

“The man obviously has a sense of humor.”

“It appears so...hang on...my phone is buzzing.” Mac opened Harm’s door and hurried next door to get her phone. “Colonel Mackenzie.”

“Yes, Colonel, I forgot to inform you that we are both due for Marine quals next week at Quantico. We report there at zero seven hundred Monday morning.” Creswell informed her.

“Thank you sir. See you then.”

“And Colonel...I just realized that you and Rabb were both out on back to back investigations. Feel free to secure anytime this afternoon.”

“Yes sir. Thank you sir.” Mac hung up after Creswell did and returned to Harm’s office.

“I have my PT quals on Monday. Want to run with me this weekend?”

“Sure...among other things,” Harm winked at her.

“Behave Commander, or I won’t tell you that we can secure for the weekend when we are ready.”

“I want to print off those reports and get them signed before I secure. I’m not about to hold up getting those reports filed if I don’t have to.” Harm informed her.

“Good idea. Shall I fix dinner tonight?” Mac asked.

“I really need to go home first and find out what’s up with Mattie...why don’t you come over.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“When ever you’re ready. I’ll be about half an hour before I secure.”

“Me too. Okay...I want to go home first and shower and change then I’ll head over.”

“See you later Mac.”

AN: This part is quite intense emotionally and sexually. (Rating jumped to at least an R toward the end of this section.)

1645 Local

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station 

Harm inserted his key to unlock his door and enter his apartment when the door opened to reveal Mattie.

“Mattie! You startled me...I’ve missed you.” Mattie stepped into Harm’s embrace as he set his things down. While holding her he kissed her hair and repeated, “I have missed you so much. I’m sorry I’ve had to be gone so much lately...” Harm felt her pull out of his arms and turn with his back to him. “What is it Mattie?” Harm sensed immediately that something wasn’t right.

“Harm...I’m sorry...but I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m ready to go home to be with my dad. We still have things to work out...but he’s there for me now...”

“And I’m not...or haven’t been the last few weeks.”

“It’s okay...I’m not blaming you and I don’t mind spending the extra time with Jen...it’s just I can talk to you from Dad’s and have him home or be at Grave Aviation with him.”

“Mattie...look at me...please...” Harm stepped behind her and waited for her to turn and face him. He raised her chin and looked into eyes and smiled. “I want you to listen to me very carefully...I love you and you’ve been a joy to have in my life...but its time...if you need me all you have to do is call...and I will see you around...but if you are ready to go live with your Dad then I want you to go. I do not want you to worry about me, or Jen, or any of your friends.”

Harm used his thumb to wipe the tears rolling down Mattie’s face until she buried her face in the front of his uniform and really let the tears come. Harm held her while resting his face against her hair, and shedding a few quiet tears of his own. Slowly her tears quieted and she looked up at her guardian angel and smiled through a few lingering tears.

“I didn’t think it would be this hard. I’m going to miss you and Jen both...and Mac...I won’t get a chance to say good-bye or thank you to Mac...”

“Well, you might...how soon before you leave?”

“Dad will be here anytime...”

“So will Mac...”

“She’s coming over tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Have the two of you worked things out?”

“Almost...”

“You going to ask her to be Mrs. Harm?”

“Mattie...we’re not there - yet.”

“But you plan to don’t you?”

“Yes...but don’t you say a word to her or anyone, young lady!”

“I won’t Harm...” She threw her arms around him again for a giant hug and then looked up and repeated her favor command to her favorite Commander, “Reduce altitude...”

Harm obediently bent down and Mattie kissed his cheek.

“Feel better now, Mathilda Grace?”

“Johnson.”

“Mathilda Grace Johnson...I stand corrected.”

“And yes, I do feel better now. I know Mac will take care of you and you won’t be lonely without me around. Jen thinks she found someone to share the apartment with her, so I won’t have to worry about her either.”

They turned at the knock on the door. Mattie ran to open it, not sure if it was her father or Mac. It was Mac.

“Hi Mattie...everything okay?” Mac asked as she noticed the tear stained face.

“Yes...it is now,” Mattie smiled as she looked over her shoulder at Harm. “Things just got a little emotional because I’m leaving.”

Mac looked back and forth between Harm and Mattie. She spotted the watery shine in Harm’s eyes and noted the forced smile...little things that she didn’t think Mattie would see.

“Tonight?” Mac asked.

“Yes, my Dad’s on his way.,,and before he gets here Mac, I wanted to thank you for everything...talking to my dad and the judge and then bringing me to Harm at the wall last Christmas. I hope you’ll come with Harm to see me sometimes.”

“I will Mattie...and thank you for bring so much joy to Harm. We’ll all miss you.”

“Stop, please...I don’t want to start crying again.”

“Call if you ever want to talk Mattie. I know sometimes when I was growing up with out a mother, I would have appreciated a woman to talk to...call me if you ever want to talk about anything.”

“Thanks Mac...” Mattie hugged Mac and whispered to her, “Take care of him for me?”

Mac could only nod as she was fighting back tears herself. The knock on the door ended the potentially teary moment. Tom Johnson had arrived and Mattie went to get the last of her bags. Tom had taken most of her things back with him when he had come down during the week. He shook hands and thanked Harm, thanked Mac, and then thanked Harm again. Mattie ran in and hugged Harm and Mac each one more time asking them to hug Jen for her and then she was gone.

When the door closed Mac turned to look at Harm. He had sat on the stool at the island and was fighting back tears like he had when they realized Bud would be okay after he lost his leg. That time Mac had rested her head on his shoulder and they had sat side by side sharing the emotions. This time she wrapped her arms around him and cried with him and for him. He loved Mattie as if she were his own daughter and like with any parent that sees there child go off to school or move out on their own someday, there are mixed feelings - pride, love, hope, loss, fear, and worry all roll into one overwhelming feeling.

At that moment, Mac realized something else about her partner and friend. When he loved, he loved deeply and unconditionally. That love was so powerful that even saying the words could be difficult. The hints he had given her over the years suddenly replayed in her mind and with the same clarity that Mattie knew it was time to go home to be with her father, Mac knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Harm loved her with the same intensity and he always would. He had been telling her how he felt for years with those expressive eyes of his and the fact that he did let her in...more then most people. He held himself from her because he knew that to give his love free reign he could overwhelm her. Mac hugged him tighter.

After a few minutes they relaxed their hold on each other and Harm whispered against her hair. “I was planning on tonight being about fun...guess this kind of ruined that planned.”

“It’s okay Harm...but if you don’t mind, I still want to spend the evening with you.”

“You better...I don’t think I could handle two losses in one evening.”

“You could...but you don’t have to and aren’t going to unless you kick me out.”

“Really? I have a captive audience?”

“Let’s say a willing audience...we can talk about anything or nothing. I just want to be here with you.” Mac smiled as he leaned back and looked into her eyes.

“Thank you...let’s get something to eat before your stomach growls and you get nasty.”

“I don’t get nasty, Harm...I just want food.”

“Right...so what would you like?”

“How about Chinese take-out? They deliver...”

“Afraid my cooking won’t be up to par tonight?”

“Maybe a little.” Mac admitted with a gentle smile.

“Fine...I’ll call it in.”

They ordered Crab Rangoon, egg rolls, Shrimp Lo Mein, and Tangerine Chicken. While they waited they set the table and then Mac suggested that Harm might want to change out of his uniform. He took her up on the idea and went to his bedroom to change from his uniform into the snug-fitting gray sweat pants and long sleeve knit shirt. He returned with bare feet and Mac had to swallow and remind herself to breathe when she saw him. She remembered one other time he had worn the same thing. They had been in Russia looking for his father. She swore then he had nothing on under those sweat pants and as much as she wanted to look tonight, she didn’t think she could pull it off and still breathe.

Mac answered the door and paid for their food before Harm had a chance to get his wallet from his bedroom.

“How much do I owe you, Mac?”

“Nothing...I got it this time.”

“Mac, come on...”

“Hey, I got my promotion a few months before you so I’m senior in rank...shall I make an order out of it?” Mac grinned at him obviously teasing.

“Alright...but I get dinner next time.”

“...Or I could think if some other way to extract payment from you...” Mac murmured as Harm gulped and quickly seated himself at the table.

Mac glanced through the glass topped table at Harm’s lap and her smile grew along with Harm’s anatomy. “Have I ever told you how much I like this table Harm?”

He looked up at Mac and then followed her gaze and realized that sitting at the table had not hidden his reaction to her blatant flirting...in fact his condition was noticeable through the glass top table...and Mac had noticed.

“...and I just realized how much I hated this table...”Harm mumbled.

“It’s okay Harm...I’ll be good.” Mac smiled thinking about a time when the two of them had flipped a coin and then crawled under the table to retrieve it. They had bumped heads and while they were down there Harm had promised he would be gentle. Mac had told him not to be gentle...be good.

Mac did behave while they ate and Harm forgot for a while that Mattie was gone from his life. It wasn’t until they were cleaning up afterwards and he spotted a mug that Mattie had given him that it caught up with him again.

“I’m going to miss her Mac.”

“I know...but you’ll see her sometimes and you