Title: Salvage

Author: Hollyjp

Classification: Harm/Mac Romance, some drama

Spoilers: Any thing and everything from Season 9 episodes and spoilers as well as episodes from past seasons.

Standard Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.

Chapter 1

JAG HQ

“Enter!” Admiral Chegwidden bellowed from his desk when he heard the standard rap on the door casing given by Commander Harmon Rabb, Junior.

“Commander Rabb, reporting as ordered, Sir.”

“At ease, Commander. Where’s Colonel Mackenzie?”

“Right here, sir. I was detained.”

“Have a seat- both of you. I’ve just been made aware by the folks at Langley that Sadik has been spotted in the area.” He paused and watched as Mac stiffened and Harm went on full alert. When neither spoke he continued. “Kershaw has asked me to let you join them to set a trap for him, Colonel.”

“Yes sir. When and where, admiral?”

“Kershaw is waiting for me to contact him and then he will let us know more...Commander Rabb, you are unusually quiet.”

“Waiting to hear why you called me in, sir.”

“I’m sure you would not object to being involved in this operation...”

“No sir. I wouldn’t mind another go at him, but I suspect that I’m not being asked to be involved at this point.”

“You would be correct. Look Harm, I called you in so you could be a part of the discussion from the get go. I want you to talk this over with the Colonel and see if there is any role that you feel you can fill that someone at CIA can’t. If you come up with something, let me know. Otherwise, I will call Kershaw and let you know what I find out Mac.”

“Yes Sir,” they both answered as they came to their feet.

“Dismissed.”

Harm and Mac left the office and Mac spoke over her shoulder, “Come in to my office so we can talk, Harm.”

Once in her office she closed the door and they sat down. “Okay, Harm...tell me what you are thinking.”

“Mac...I can’t believe I’m going to say this...”

“What?”

“I cannot think of one reason I need to be involved with this operation...other then as back up.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, don’t take this wrong but I’ve had it pounded into my head this past year that I have to think things out more. I have Mattie to think about now and as you have reminded me on many occasions, you are a Marine and have been trained to handle yourself.”

“Go on.”

“You speak the language and have the look to blend in...I don’t...and at least this operation sounds like it is going to be on your home turf, more or less.”

Mac studied Harm for a minute. Ever since Christmas when she had delivered Mattie to him, they had been slowly regaining their friendship. “Are you telling me that you trust me to be able to take care of myself?”

“Mac, I’ve always trusted you to take care of me...however we have both had times when we have felt the need to rescue the other...right now I don’t feel you need me.”

Mac nodded. “I’d better wrap things up here and find out what my orders are.”

Harm nodded and stood to leave her office. He hesitated at the door and looked back at her. “Mac?”

“Yeah?”

“If you need me, call.”

“Sure Harm...say hi to Mattie for me.”

Harm nodded and smiled as he made his way back to his small office.

1930 Local

Georgetown

Mac’s Apartment

Mac restlessly paced by her window as she waited to hear from Langley. Last year she had left on her mission with Clay feeling optimistic and with a sense of adventure. Now she knew what Sadik was capable of. Clay’s screams still echoed in her head and woke her most every night. She hadn’t started sleeping until after Christmas when she felt that her friendship with Harm was healing.

She remembered the sound and sight of the missionaries being executed in front of her and the feeling of the straps that were attached to her wrists and ankles. She hadn’t felt their heat because Harm had come to the rescue. She knew in the back of her mind that he probably would be called in if things went bad...after all the Gunny was involved and Admiral Chegwidden lived by the creed that no man is left behind. But things had changed.

Harm had given up everything for her once and she had basically slapped him in the face because he couldn’t say the words she wanted to hear. Now he had Mattie to think about. Their friendship was healing, but he would not give it all up again for her. She had lost her chance with him because she had attempted to protect herself while letting him off the hook in case he was feeling obligated by any promises he had made to her...yet she still wanted him in her life.

The phone rang and she grabbed it up, “Mackenzie.”

“Kershaw. We’ll meet at 0700 tomorrow at my office. Wear civilian casual clothes. It shouldn’t take long to end this. We got a lucky break.”

“Yes sir. Will Webb be there?”

“Yes. Problem?”

“No sir.”

“Good.” The line went dead.

Sarah Mackenzie was suddenly filled with a restless energy. She paced, stood by the window and paced some more. She picked up the picture of her and Harm taken in Afghanistan. They were so close then. They could read each other. She had been so sure that they were in love and that he would admit it any day. Then had come Bud’s accident and Harm began to grow more distant. They had still comforted each other but as the weeks went by, they spent less time together. Mac tried to blame it on their stints on the bench but knew that it wasn’t really the cause of the distance. Then had come the first shock and evidence that maybe Harm no longer trusted her. He had conducted his own investigation of Singer behind her back. He had stopped sharing his thoughts on his cases with her. Then he had been arrested. She had been told that he did not want to see any of them at the brig. The admiral had also instructed all of them it would be better for Harm’s case if they did not interfere. Mac had stayed away.

While Mac was away from Harm she had begun to examine their relationship. She had decided that Harm was pulling away from her to protect himself and to keep their relationship platonic. She thought about the times that he had expressed interest in her. He had come the closest to opening up to her when one or the other of them was involved with someone else.

She remember that night when she left for Paraguay. She had gone to check on him before she left. He had seemed so lonely and yet even though he knew she had to leave on a mission, he asked her not to go. She felt that it was more because he didn’t think she could handle things without him. When he had rescued her she was in such a vulnerable position and for once wanted to be held and comforted, but Harm had finally heard her pleas that she was a Marine and didn’t need to be coddled. He was all business. She had needed him, but he didn’t need her. Today he had told her that she didn’t need him.

“Fine...I don’t need him...I can do this without him.” Mac continued to pace restlessly as she ignored the tears rolling down her cheeks. When she became aware of them she tried scrubbing them away with the back of her hand. She was wavering between anger, despair and fear when she grabbed her coat, purse and keys and headed out the door.

2045 Local

Harm’s Loft

North of Union Station

“Harm, can you check this last math problem for me?” Mattie asked from the table as Harm read files at his desk.

“Sure,” he stuck his pen between his teeth again as he stood and went to look over Mattie’s work.

“Excellent. Mattie you’ve done a great job getting caught up on all this math. I know it’s not easy but I am proud of you.”

“Thanks Harm.” Mattie looked up at him and leaned into him as he hugged her.

A knock on the door drew his attention and he looked out to see Mac standing on the other side. Yanking the door open he drew her in, “Mac, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing...everything...can we talk?” Mac was still agitated and Harm couldn’t really tell what was going on with her.

“Sure. Mattie?”

“Hey Mac...sorry I can’t stay. I’ve got to go work on my report now my math is done. Night Harm.”

“Night Mattie...” as she turned at the door he mouthed, ‘Thank you.” She nodded her understanding and shut the door.

“That’s a switch.” Mac snapped when they were alone.

“What is?”

“That I’m going to come first over someone else...”

“Mac, what’s going on here?”

Harm studied her face as best as he could while she paced and stormed around his apartment. “You don’t have a clue what I need do you?” Mac practically snarled at him. Almost as soon as she said it, she realized how it sounded and burst into tears.

Harm rushed to her side and tried to lift her chin to look at her. Instead, Mac burrowed against him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He rested his face on her hair and held her loosely in his arms, rubbing her back and arms in an attempt to comfort her.

As her tears slowed and sobs lessened, Harm tried again to look into her face. “Talk to me Mac. What’s going on?” She hid her face against his chest and held on to him. Harm was getting alarmed. This was not the self assured Marine he saw at JAG today. Carefully he eased her over to the couch and held her to his side.

Slowly he could feel her letting go of him. She sat up and wiped at her eyes. He handed her a handkerchief which she used. She kept her gaze focused on the floor. He tried again.

“Mac? Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

She shrugged. Harm knew he had to do something soon or she would retreat into her shell and suddenly everything would be okay and she’d brush it off claiming it was just a brief lapse. Harm suspected it was much more...much more.

“You know Mac, I didn’t go through even half of what you faced in Paraguay, and I have no desire to face Sadik again...as much as I want him gone. It would be only natural if you were feeling - apprehensive about going face to face with him again.” He waited and still nothing. She was listening and relaxed. “Mac, did you ever get debriefing counseling after Paraguay?”

She shook her head, “I spoke to someone at Langley. They said I was handling things like a pro and signed my papers to return to duty at JAG. What about you?”

“Oh yeah. Before I signed on with them, they required me to undergo some intensive sessions. As much as I hate to admit it, it did help. Mac, what started this?”

“ I don’t know...yes I do. You said today that I don’t need you...” her voice was barely audible by the time she got the words out.

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

“What do you need me to do?”

Mac shrugged and sat gazing at the floor for another thirty seconds before she stood up. She started toward the door before Harm realized that she was trying to leave.

“Mac, wait!” He caught up to her and stepped between her and the door. “Don’t leave yet. Tell me what you need...please?”

“I can’t Harm...we don’t have the kind of relationship where I can ask you any more.”

“Try me...”

“No!”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want you to feel sorry for me!”

“Mac, I don’t feel sorry for you. I am confused and I want to help...but I need you to tell me how to help. I don’t want to do something that makes it worse.”

“For an officer you have to be told a lot. Don’t they train Naval Officers to think as part of their leadership training?” The sarcasm was so heavy that it almost dripped from the air where Mac spoke.

“Mac, talk to me.” Harm watched her deflate with his words.

“If I call you...would you still come to help me?” Mac sounded so lost as she squeezed the words out of her tight throat.

“Yes. Mac, do you want out of this operation?”

“No! I want to do this...I just need...”

“What, Mac? What do you need?”

“I need to know that I’m still important to you. I need to know that I didn’t kill our friendship. I need to know that if I need you, you’ll be there for me.”

Harm watched her and her pain stabbed his heart. All the months of trying to forget about her after she had said ‘never’ had not worked. At this moment, through all her pain, her words gave him the most hope he had felt in months. Quietly he pulled her into his arms and held her loosely. He didn’t want her to feel forced or trapped, but comforted.

“Mac, I will always be here if you need me...all you have to do is let me know. You are very important to me. That’s why I couldn’t return your calls...I needed to keep my distance to give myself time to heal.”

“I hurt you...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that I didn’t want your friendship.”

“I know Mac, but my feelings were so raw and everything I did seemed to back fire on me. I’m sorry.”

“I never said thank you did I?”

“Not important.”

“Yes, Harm, it is. You know I’ve tried to be strong. You being gone from JAG effected all of us.”

“Bud said that you kept everyone going.”

“Someone had to. The admiral was crankier then I’ve ever seen him. Jen was in tears all the time because she was worried about you and she couldn’t please the Admiral. Harriet was struggling with her pregnancy. Bud was lost without you and Sturgis was on his case. I had to be strong for all of them.”

“Do you remember what I told you when you tried to control stress up in the mountains that time?”

“That it’s going to come out somehow sometime?”

Harm nodded his head.

“Do you think that’s what’s happening to me now?”

“Maybe...Mac you said yourself you were under a lot of stress at JAG. The Imes situation didn’t help. I’m guessing things with Clay haven’t been going quite as you had hoped. Some of the cases we’ve had- and my mouth- opened up old wounds.”

“Harm, I’ve gone out with Webb, yes, but I’ve never trusted him enough for the relationship to go beyond a few dates. We’ve stayed in touch to deal with this Sadik case...not out of a grand love affair or anything.”

“So you’re telling me I was jealous for nothing?”

“You admitting you were jealous?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve tried to tell you several times, Harm, that there was no need to be jealous.”

“Yes...and you also said there could never be an us...”

“Maybe I was wrong.”

“Whoa, Marine, I like what I’m hearing but I think we are getting sidetracked from what brought you here to me tonight.”

“Not really...Well maybe...Harm?”

“Yes Mac...”

“I don’t want anyone to know about my melt down tonight.”

“They don’t have to...Mattie’s the only one-other then us- that knows and she won’t say anything...but she’ll ask if you are okay.”

Mac nodded. She looked down and then up into Harm’s face. “I know I am probably asking a lot, given that we’ve been so far apart since last spring, but, can I stay here tonight?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I have to be at Langley at 0700 tomorrow in casual civilian attire...”

“Okay.”

“Can I borrow a t-shirt or something to sleep in?”

“Navy issue?”

“Any other choices?”

Harm smiled and took the steps into his bedroom two at a time, returning with a tan t-shirt with white lettering on it. “This better?”

“Thanks...Harm?”

“Yes, Mac.”

“Would you hold me again for a few minutes?”

“Tell you what. Go get ready and crawl into my bed. I’ll be up in a few minutes. I need to let Mattie know that you are okay.”

Mac nodded.

She washed up and changed. Wearing the t-shirt that came to her knees, she crawled under the covers. She closed her eyes and just let her senses take in the smell of Harm on his pillow and listened to him as he returned and rummaged in the bureau drawers before going into the bathroom. He came out quietly afraid to awaken her. Mac turned slightly and smiled at him.

“Thought you had fallen asleep.”

“No...I hope I can sleep. I’m going to need my wits about me in order to pull this off tomorrow.”

Harm reclined on top of the covers in his sweat pants and t-shirt before reaching for her. “If it helps, I’ll stand watch and you can sleep.”

Mac rolled toward him and put her head on his shoulder. She slid her arm around his waist. “Harm, you are going to get cold...get under the covers.”

“You sure...”

“Harm, your loft is always cold at night.”

“I have a feeling I’ll be warm enough tonight,” Harm muttered under his breath as he got up and slid in under the covers and felt her warm body curl up against him.

Chapter 2

0615 Local

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station

Harm sat up in bed startled, looking around for the source of the sound he had heard. He shook off the sleepiness and got out of bed. Crossing the loft to look out the window he saw the red corvette pulling away. Mac. She had been here last night. Slept in his arms last night. Now he knew that it was the loft door shutting that had woken him out of a sound sleep. He flipped on the switch for the coffee and headed back to take a shower.

He couldn’t get Mac out of his head this morning. She had appear suddenly last night in an obviously agitated state and had fluctuated from angry women to stoic Marine to fearful friend with no warning as to the changes in her mood.

Harm wasn’t sure if he was glad she had trusted him enough to come or not. On one hand it was a good sign that she was having second thoughts about whether or not they could have a future together - which at least gave him a shred of hope. Then the fact that she was still angry and upset warned him that he had to be very careful and thinking things out completely before she asked questions so he would prepared with answers. Hesitation was not their friend. Harm knew that if there was any chance to salvage their relationship - be it friendship or anything more - he would have to be prepared.

After showering, shaving and dressing while he sipped his first cup of coffee, he was ready for something to eat. Weekends he fixed a big breakfast for Mattie and him to share, but during the week he settled for a protein drink or a muffin and his coffee. This morning he grabbed an oatmeal-apple muffin to eat on the road. He wanted to get to JAG and check in with Admiral Chegwidden.

0745 Local

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

“Morning Jen.”

“Morning Commander.”

“What time are you expecting the Admiral this morning?”

“Anytime, sir.”

“Does he have time on his schedule for me?”

“I’ll let him know you are waiting to see him.”

“Thanks Petty Officer Coates.”

Harm went to his office and began opening up his brief case and sorting files. Some of them were ready to be processed, while some still needed work. He had them ready for distribution when Coates buzzed him.

“The Admiral will see you now Commander Rabb.”

“Thanks, Coates.” Harm disconnected and quickly strode through the bullpen toward the Admiral’s office. Coates motioned him to go ahead. Harm knocked on the door casing.

“Enter. What can I do for you this morning, Commander?”

“Sir, do you have any more information on Colonel Mackenzie’s mission then you had yesterday when we talked?”

“Not really. Kershaw wanted to meet with his team at 0700 this morning and they were going to review some possible plans that would work given the intelligence they received. They were hoping to put the plan in action and have things resolved during the day to day. Why do you ask?”

“Last night Colonel Mackenzie came to see me. She wanted me to assure her that I would come if she needed me. I tried to reassure her that she wouldn’t need, me, but I also said if she called I’d come. Admiral, I am not at liberty to share the entire conversation with you, but I feel you should know that Mac is on edge and struggling to keep it together.”

“Colonel Mackenzie has handled the pressure from Paraguay easily and kept things running in this office while everyone around her - including you - fell apart and went off the deep end. What makes you think she is suddenly falling apart.”

“Sir, I’ve heard the scuttlebutt from when I was gone, about Mac and Sturgis getting into it; that she had even challenged you; she made mistakes that Mac just doesn’t make. Her behavior has been erratic at times - from very tough and ridged to altruistic and amenable. When have you seen Mac in tears?”

“Alright Rabb, I’ll admit that some of the things you are saying could be a sign that Mac has been keeping it together and is now coming unraveled. What do you think we should do about it?”

“Part of me wants to watch and wait and just be there when it happens and part of me wants to force the issue and get her to get some help. I don’t think we can do anything yet, sir, but I want you to know I am concerned and I will do what ever I can to help her through this. I think you know that my personal feelings are wrapped pretty closely with my professional feelings so I feel it is best that I defer to your judgement in this case.”

“Rabb, if I didn’t know better I’d say you sound like you’ve learned to look at the big picture.”

“I am trying sir.”

“That I do not doubt. Commander, I agree that we can’t take action unless we see something specific. I may have you share some of her Chief of Staff duties again, but we will have to approach this carefully...” the phone rang on AJ’s desk. “Excuse me...Chegwidden.”

“Admiral, there’s a Deputy Kershaw on line two for you.”

“Thank you Coates.” AJ pushed the button and exchanged glances with Harm at the same time. “What you got Kershaw?”

“It’s over.”

“Already?”

“Colonel Mackenzie is quite the cool customer. I may try to steal her away from you, Admiral.”

“She belongs at JAG. Where is she now?”

“Sarah Mackenzie is being debriefed.”

“Tell me about the mission.”

“Can’t do that...”

“Yeah, I know - classified. Tell me this, was she in a fire fight or was it sniper work?”

“Admiral, I’m not at liberty to discuss this with you...what’s that?...Just a minute Admiral, Agent Webb feels that there are a few things you should know...I’ll let him to talk to you.”

“Webb?”

“Great day, Admiral. You alone or is Rabb with you?”

“Commander Rabb is here. Fill us in Webb.”

“We found Sadik at the coffee house he has been frequenting here in the city. He spotted Mac before she spotted him and he took a shot at her and missed. She then took off leading him out of the coffee shop and into an alley as we had planned. He followed her as we had hoped, but our marksman wasn’t ready. She hid in a warehouse but Sadik came after her. He stalked her and twice he got a hold of her and twice she got away. She had lost her bag and gun during the first encounter, but somehow she found it and was ready for him when he grabbed her the third time. She shot him herself at close range. He’s dead. She’s a mess. That’s all I can tell you. We are debriefing her now. She should be able to get home, cleaned up and back to JAG by noon.”

“Webb, what aren’t you telling us?”

“There’s nothing else to tell. Hey Rabb, you didn’t even have to rescue her this time.”

“So help me Webb, there’s more then physical pain that can be inflicted on a person. You had best stay clear of me if Mac suffers any side effect from this mission. You got that?”

“Sure Rabb. Talk to you later, Admiral. We may want to borrow Sarah again.”

“Don’t bother, Webb. My people are off the table for special Ops.” AJ disconnected the call and sat back and studied the Commander across from his desk. “Spill it Rabb.”

“Do you think she’ll come back here this afternoon, sir?”

“If they’ve told her that I’m expecting her back here today she will...and before you go there I’m not sure she should work, but I damn sure don’t think she should be alone.”

“Thank you sir. I guess we have to wait and see what Mac’s next move will be.”

They didn’t have long to wait.

1038 Local

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie had arrived at Langley that morning earlier then requested. She had spoken to Webb before the meeting so when they met with Kershaw their plan was already in place - so she thought. As usual Webb had screwed up some part of the mission. This time his sniper was running late and hadn’t been in place. As usual the Marines had to step in. This time it had been her single handedly. After a lengthy chase, she had maneuvered herself into position so that she had the shot. One shot - one kill. Now Sadik was dead. He would not kill any more missionaries or torture any more agents. She had watched the light go out in his eyes with the cool dispassion of a seasoned soldier. Although she would not acknowledge it to herself, but only a soldier that had lost their edge experienced the dispassionate reaction which Mac had described.

After a short meeting with the counselor, Mac was again cleared for duty and papers were signed for her to return immediately to JAG. Kershaw told her that Chegwidden had spoken to him and would look for her at JAG after she had a chance to clean up and get back in uniform. Kershaw commended for her work on the mission and wished her well. Webb had walked her out to her car. Mac had driven away and headed for a shower and uniform.

Mac felt like she was in a groove. She was on a high of sorts. She had accomplished a mission and had not needed Harmon Rabb there to bail her out...in fact she had bailed Webb out herself. It showed how weak and effective he really was and she had a sense of satisfaction that she had decided to keep their relationship strictly business. At least Harm was worthy of her respect given the things he had done in his career. It made it easier to overlook some of the less then stellar performances he had turned in - like shooting the ceiling in the courtroom or resigning his commission to rescue her when it had been Webb that really needed rescuing. The successful mission continued to create a sense of euphoria within Mac.

Showered and dressed in her well creased uniform, Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie returned to JAG prepared to receive accolades from her colleagues. Parking in her usual spot she entered JAG. The guards saluted but they wouldn’t say anything as the mission was at least partially classified. Harm and the Admiral, Sturgis and Bud, even Harriet and Coates, would all probably have an idea of what had happened. There was a bounce in her step as she exited the elevator into the bull pen. A few people looked up but for the most part everyone continued to do what they were doing.

Mac went into her office and dropped her things before heading to the Admiral’s office.

“Is the admiral waiting for me Coates?”

“No, Ma’am. I’ll let him know you are here though.”

“Thank you Petty Officer.” Mac waited smiling at Jen.

“Sir, Lt. Colonel Mackenzie is here to see you sir.”

“Send her in Coates.”

“Aye, aye, sir...You may go in Ma’am.”

Mac turned and entered the Admiral’s inner office.

“Have a seat Colonel. That was a quick successful mission I take it. You okay?”

“Yes sir. Why do you ask?”

“I understand that you had to take Sadik out yourself. That’s not an easy thing to do.”

“It had to be done and I was in a position to do it, sir.”

“Mac, I’ve done special ops myself. You’ll go through a period of euphoria from the adrenaline your body produces during times of fear and stress.”

“Begging your pardon sir, today’s mission was simple and after Paraguay almost a let down. I was able to deal with Paraguay so I see no reason why securing this last loose end would create any problems for me.”

“I see. Still, if you decide you need some lighter duty or some time off, you have some accumulated on the books. It’s yours if you want it.”

“Thank you sir, but I am fine and ready to get back to work.”

“Go ahead Colonel - Dismissed.” AJ watched his Chief of Staff leave his office and he picked up his phone to buzz Rabb.

“Rabb.”

“Commander, I have just met with Colonel Mackenzie. I think she is on an adrenaline high still. Are you working any cases with her?”

“We have the Hackett case we just picked up. I’ve been reviewing the files and there are several things I could go over with her.”

“Good. If you are right about Mac, then we could see a serious crash happening any time now. I don’t want her alone when it happens. Any ideas?”

“Admiral, I agree it could come any time or it could be days. I think it would be wise to be vigilant in the office and then maybe I can find a way to spend some time with her off duty. Perhaps we should let Bud and Harriet know we have concerns so they can be prepared in case she’s with them and so we don’t have to smother her.”

“Good idea. Will you fill them in?”

“Aye Aye sir...admiral?”

“Yes?”

“I hate to bring this up, but perhaps Meredith should know too. I know Mac use to spend some time with her.”

“You’re right...” AJ hesitated before speaking and then paused again.

“Admiral I can call her if you think it would be wise.”

“Thank you...please do...and Rabb...Keep me posted.”

“Yes Sir.” Harm disconnected from his CO and called Harriet at home. “Harriet?”

“Commander Rabb, how are you?”

“I’m fine Harriet. Is Bud home today?”

“Yes sir. Do you need to talk to him?”

“Actually I need to talk to both of you. Look, would you mind if I stop over after work today so I can fill you in. It concerns Mac.”

“Is the Colonel alright, sir?”

“Yes...I’m not sure...Look it’s hard to explain, but I think you need to be aware that she may not be handling the aftermath of Paraguay as well as we had thought.”

“Good...I thought it was just me.”

“What do you mean Harriet?”

“She just seems so - moody I guess. Sometimes she seems like herself and then again she goes after Commander Turner in the bullpen or tells Bud to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ and then sometimes she seems so angry yet five minutes later she is calm and sweet and concerned about everyone. The only time I’ve seen someone with mood swings like that was dealing with hormone storms during pregnancy...and I don’t think she’s pregnant.”

Harm had to stifle a laugh as he listened to Harriet’s take. Leave it to the Lt. Sims to cut to the chase. That woman had more intuition than was good for her. “Look Harriet, that’s what I wanted to talk about. Mac is swinging between anger, euphoria, fear and hurt. She’s trying to be strong for everyone and she needs to deal with it and stop stuffing things down and moving on. As long as you and Bud are aware of it, I don’t need to bother you and come over after work today, but if you could make sure Bud knows that we need to watch, wait and be prepared. If she falls apart call me or the Admiral. I think we are the only ones that are going to be able to get her to deal with it.”

“Sure thing Commander. How about we invite her over for dinner tonight?”

“That would help. I’m going to try to stay nearby today. I’m also going to clue Meredith in.”

“You do know that she and the Admiral are through.”

“Yes, but Mac knew Meredith even before that.” Harm ended the call with Harriet and then contacted a subdued Meredith. She listened to Harm; told him she doubted that she would hear from Sarah but if she did she would be watchful and let him know if there was a problem.

Harm then gathered the file on the Hackett case and proceeded to Mac’s office. It would be the first time they had seen each other since she had slept in his arms.

<Knock-knock>

“Yes?” Mac looked up to see Harm standing in her doorway.

“Hey, Mac. Have you looked at the Hackett case yet?”

“No...I just got in the office less then thirty minutes ago. What’s the rush?”

“There are a few things that don’t make sense to me and thought you might have a better perspective on them.”

“Why, because I’m a woman?” Mac’s voice was laced with sarcasm.

“Partially, but Hackett is a Marine and so are you. You’ve served at the base where Hackett was stationed.”

“Look we just got the case and I have a few other things I really need to get a handle on. Can we do this later?”

“Sure, Mac. Later today or later this week?”

“Excuse me Commander, but where does it say that you are the only one with the right to table a discussion?” Mac looked at Harm with fire in her eyes.

“Mac, what are you talking about? Power down and tell me when you want to review the case. If now isn’t good for you, we’ll do it when it is a good time.”

“Fine. Come over to my place tonight at 1900 and we’ll go over it. Just don’t start being condescending to me.” Mac was still angry but seemed to be calming down.

Harm raised his hands in front of him, picked up the file and backed out of her office. Mac followed him and slammed the door behind him when he turned to walk away. She kept her back to the door as she stood looking out the window while she waited for her tears to stop.

She couldn’t keep doing this. Harm managed to drive her to tears faster then anyone she knew. Last night she had gone to him to give him a piece of her mind and had ended up in tears like a big baby and then she had become so weak that she had allowed herself to sleep in his bed and in his arms. When she had woken up this morning she had been mortified to find herself wrapped in his arms. She had slipped out of bed, dressed and left his apartment thankful that he had not been awake and gloating about her moment of weakness.

1859 Local

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown

Harm knocked on the door with a minute to spare. He wasn’t sure what to expect from Mac tonight. In the last twenty four hours he had seen her angry, scared, vulnerable, in full command, and tearful. He took a deep breath and waited for her to open the door. He didn’t have long to wait.

“Come in Harm. You’ll need to bring me up to speed on the Hackett case as I haven’t had a chance to review it.”

“Busy afternoon?”

“You tell me - after you left Harriet called to invite me to dinner tonight. I turned her down because of your need to review the case. Then Bud calls and asks if I can come over tomorrow night to spend some time with AJ as he seems to be missing me. Then Meredith called and asked if we could get together soon and suggested lunch tomorrow but I put her off until the next day. You wouldn’t have anything to do with this, would you?”

“Why would you think that Mac?”

“Oh come off it Harm! I have a bad moment which you are the only that supposedly knows about it, and suddenly we have a case that can’t wait, everyone I know is calling to ask me to spend time with them and I have a very full social calendar. I may have been born at night Rabb - but it wasn’t last night!”

“What you don’t think it could be coincidence?”

“You aren’t denying your part in it.”

“Why is it so terrible that you’re friends care about you?”

“My friends! Right...like we have had even civil conversations up until recently. So is this prompted by my moment of weakness last night or my new ‘hero’ status from today?”

“Hero status?”

“Oh right...my mission was classified...that’s probably why no one welcomed me with compliments and celebrated my marksmanship or ability to wrap up the Sadik situation. Tell me Harm, whenever you did something that was worthy of notice you were always welcomed back with applause and worshiped, so is that saved for you because you’re a man or because of your arrogance?”

“Mac, what’s really bothering you?”

“I told you not to patronize me!” Mac was practically screaming now. She approached Harm with her hands clenched into fists and raised in front of her with bent elbows.

Harm watched her get closer never losing eye contact. The closer she got the more solid he made his stance, holding his arms open to her just a little. He could see the tears glimmering in her eyes. Some instinct told him to stand his ground and let her come to him. When she was close enough she began to thump her fists against his chest. Still his body language welcomed her as he stood there with his chest exposed ready to take what she wanted to dish out. Her tears began to flow and the sobs started. She kept moving slowly toward Harm until her body was against his and there was no more room for her fists to flail against him. Carefully he enfolded her into his arms and held her.

Eventually he settled on the couch and pulled her against his side. He spoke little, letting his body sooth her and comfort the demons tearing her apart. Her sobs slowed until Harm decided to take a chance and talk to her.

“Talk to me Mac. Tell me what’s tearing you apart.”

“Nothing...everything...you!”

“Me? How am I tearing you apart?”

“You’re not...I am over you.”

“Mac, you aren’t making a lot of sense here.”

“I know. Harm did you call Bud and Harriet and Meredith and tell them I need to be entertained?”

“No. I did tell them that I thought you had been through a lot and might need them more then you let on.”

“Why?”

“We care about you Mac and I know how important it is to feel that you aren’t alone when your life is in a state of turmoil. If that’s being patronizing, I’m sorry.”

“You’ve done that a lot lately you know.”

“What’s that?”

“Apologize.”

“Well, I have a way of saying and doing things that don’t come out the way I meant them.”

“I know. I’ve been doing the same thing, Harm.”

“So, are you up to reviewing that case or shall we table it until we get to the office?”

“I guess it can wait until tomorrow. I don’t feel much like working tonight. I think I could sleep standing up.”

“Then we’ll wait. Go to bed Mac. Gets some rest. Remember, you can call me anytime if you need me for anything.”

“I know, but it seems foolish to call you when you are twenty minutes away. By the time I call and you get here the crisis would probably be over.”

“So do you want me to camp on your couch or do you want to come back to the loft with me?”

“Harm, I’m capable of sleeping in my own home alone. I don’t need a babysitter or a nanny or something.”

“Alright, “ Harm said as he held his hands up in front of him to signal her to stop, he had gotten her message. “Call me if you need to talk - any time.”

“Good-night Harm!”

“Good-night Mac.” Harm closed the door between them and started slowly down the hall. He hoped that she had released enough stress to get her through the night, but he was afraid that he was only seeing the tip of the iceberg and there was more to come - much more!

Chapter 3

0811 Local

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm heard a noise behind him as he set his things down and tried to get settled for the day. He turned and saw Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie leaning against his door way with a smile on her face. At first Harm felt relief because she seemed relaxed and was smiling, but within a second he had also noticed the redness in the whites of her eyes, the heavier then usual make-up that was covering dark smudged under her eyes and the slight shakiness in her body. When she spoke he heard the tightness in her voice as well and his heart broke - not at her words, but because she hadn’t been able to call him when she needed him. Still he waited for her to get to why she was here.

“Morning Harm. We never did get to the Hackett case last night so I thought we should probably tackle it this morning. I have reviewed it and I can see where my perspective would be useful to you. Shall we get started?”

“Sure, Mac. Would you mind if I grabbed a cup of coffee first?”

“I’ve got it covered, Harm. Jen will be bringing both of us a cup. I stopped there first and the coffee wasn’t ready. It should be soon and Coates will deliver.”

“Fine. Then let’s get started,” Harm went into a summary of the case for Mac.

“Hackett was a marine officer working with the military police stationed in Japan. He had been stationed there for two years and before getting orders to Quantico. He had been at Quantico for two months when a routine case review at the base in Japan uncovered some strange patterns. Several women that were working at the base began to resign or request transfers within weeks of being on an assignment with Hackett.”

<knock><knock>

“Excuse me, sir, Ma’am, I have your coffee.”

“Thank you Coates,” Mac smiled at the petty officer as she set the cups down for them. “Dismissed.”

“Aye, aye, Ma’am.” Coates left quietly closing the door behind her.

Harm continued.

“When Hackett had been approached about it, he said that he remembered all of the women in question and the assignments. He was often chosen for undercover work due to his Japanese heritage and knowledge of the language. They would use either local or military women as his partners when it was needed that also were bilingual and if possible of Japanese heritage.

When the five women were interviewed they had appeared nervous and tense. Each one had a slightly different story but the common thread had been that after working the assignment with Lt. Joel Hackett, they had wanted a change. There were no specific accusations toward Hackett. The notes from each of the investigative interviews had included a statement that while it looked suspicious, there was no evidence of foul play or wrong doing that led to these women asking for a reassignment or quitting.

This information was forwarded to JAG two months later when two women working with Hackett at Quantico resigned. Someone had been aware of the investigation in Japan and got concerned. JAG was called in to investigate the most recent incidents. What do you make of it?”

“I don’t get why the investigation if they have nothing showing foul play, just some unfounded suspicions.”

“I guess that’s what is making them suspicious and why they want us to check it out. I’ve spoken to Lt. Hackett on the phone and he is aware that we have been called in. He is willing to make himself available. He said when he heard about it he thought it odd and he’s pulled case notes from his personal files to share with us to see if there is anything there that might give us a clue.”

“Sounds like he’s willing to work with us, so maybe he hasn’t done anything wrong. Is he coming to us or are we going to him?” Asked Mac.

“I’d like to go there. Mac, what can you tell me about the base in Japan or Quantico that might shed some light on this situation?”

“You mean like the culture there?”

“Yeah. Maybe. I’m not sure but I have this feeling that Lt. Hackett may be as much a victim here as the women.”

“Harm we don’t know yet if we even have a victim.”

“I know. Look, what’s good for you to go to Quantico?”

“I can probably be ready in a couple of hours.”

“I’ll get Coates to sign a car out to us and we can grab lunch on the way.”

Mac nodded and left Harm’s office. He was relieved to see her focused despite looking tired this morning. He hoped she might fall asleep on the ride while he drove. He knew he was walking a tightrope trying to keep her healthy and letting her work things out.

They had settled on wraps for lunch. The ride had been uneventful. Mac had not slept as he had hoped but she had been quiet so he hoped she had rested. He glanced at her periodically while driving and she always seemed many miles away. He felt that Mac was beginning to trust him again, but there was something in the way of that bond being made solid again. At times he thought it was Webb, but she had assured him that there was nothing between them...that she didn’t trust Webb anymore. In his gut he felt that she was suffering Post traumatic Stress that had been trigger again with Sadik’s sudden appearance and then death at her hand.

Mac was all business when they arrived at Quantico. She strolled in with Harm behind her and asked to speak to Lt. Joel Hackett. They were brought to an office one floor up and down a hallway.

“Commander Rabb? Colonel Mackenzie? I’m Lt. Joel Hackett.”

Mac looked into the face of one of the most beautiful Amer-Asian men she had ever seen. His photos did not do him justice. Mac gave him a dazzling smile as she shook hands with the young Lieutenant.

“Hello Lieutenant. Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.”

“No problem. Have a seat. What do you want me to tell you?”

“What was your relationship like with these women,” Harm asked trying not to stare at Mac as she flashed her dazzling smile toward Lt. Hackett.

“Pleasant, friendly, focused on the task at hand.”

“Did you have a different kind of relationship with any of them?”

“Like what sir?”

“Were you dating any of them? Or did you want to date any of them?”

“Yes...one of them I asked out, but it was before we started to work together. As soon as I realized that we were assigned together, I made sure not to ask her out again or let her think I wanted to go again.”

“Ahhhh,” Mac muttered. “A scorned woman...” she started with raised eyebrows at Harm.

“I don’t think so Ma’am. We worked together for several months. We had been undercover, posing as husband and wife to infiltrate a black market baby scam. It was a rough assignment and she told me while we were in the middle of it that she didn’t think she could take many more cases as intense as that one and that she was going to look to get out.” Hackett explained.

“...Force of nature. He doesn’t even see that its so much more for her then it was for him,” Mac muttered under her breath.

“What was that Colonel?” asked Harm not realizing that he had just released the thread that had been keeping things together for Sarah Mackenzie. Although the storm would not reached its full potential what would become Hurricane Mackenzie just began to form.

“Great as if I needed more proof on how oblivious men are. Commander Rabb, I think I’ve heard all I need to hear.”

“Well I have a few more questions for the Lieutenant, if you don’t mind,” he added looking back and forth at Hackett and Mackenzie.

“Go ahead, sir. I would love to understand what’s going on myself. It’s tough to carry around a cloud of suspicion everywhere you go.”

Mac rolled her eyes but motion for Harm to continue.

“Did any of these other women ever give you the idea that they wanted something more from you then friendship?”

“No sir.”

“Wouldn’t have noticed if they had probably,” Mac muttered. Harm shot her a look that clearly indicated he didn’t think her comment was called for but forged ahead.

“Were you aware if any of these women were dating someone while they worked with you that might have put pressure on them to quit.”

“Why would they do that sir?”

“Just an idea...is there anyone that you can think of that would fit that description?”

“No sir.”

Again Mac rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath that Harm didn’t quite catch, but it obviously showed her disgust with Hackett’s response.

“Colonel Mackenzie, perhaps you would like to see if you could find a phone and see if you can get a hold of the women in this area that have worked with Lt. Hackett and see if we can meet with them while we are down here...also maybe talk to some of the women that are still here. I’ll meet you out front in a few minutes.”

“Is that an order, Commander?” Mac practically snarled at Harm.

“No, Colonel, it’s just a suggestion. You seemed to be done with questions here and I thought you would rather move ahead with this investigation then sit around cooling your heels. Do what you want.”

“Fine. I’ll go talk to some of the women currently working here. Take good notes.”

Harm watched with a puzzled frown as Mac left.

“The Colonel seems to be upset, sir.”

“Yes...she’s been through a lot lately, but usually when we are working and she’s focused she’s fine. I apologize for my partners rudeness.”

“No problem sir. Sometimes women can be a little touchy.”

“How’s that Lieutenant?”

“Well you know sir, they deal with a lot more in day to day life then a man. You just have to go with the flow and not take things personally.”

“And how did you learn this,” Harm asked as he tried to hide a smile glad that one Lt. Colonel hadn’t heard that comment.

“Well sir, I grew up in a house with seven sisters, my mother, two aunts and my grandmother. I learned early on that there were some things you just ignored and didn’t worry about.”

“Very interesting information. I guess being an only child I missed some of those life’s lessons. Tell me Lt. Hackett, did you ever share these theories with any of your partners?”

“Oh no sir. It wouldn’t be appropriate to discuss things like that with them. It’s just something I was taught I guess. I can remember my mother and grandmother saying, if you expect to survive you’ll learn when to use your manners, when to go with the flow and how to treat a lady.”

“Thank you Lt. Hackett. I appreciate your candor and we’ll let you know if we need to see you again.”

“Sir?” he paused and waited for Harm to signal him to continue. “Will you let me know what you find out?”

“Most definitely,” Harm made a few more notes on his paper, then stood up to leave. This new information was interesting and his gut told him that it revealed something important. He wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but he thought maybe Mac could figure it out. He was still puzzled at the sudden about face she had made. She had started smiling and almost flirting with the young Lieutenant and then suddenly became angry with both of them from what he could tell. It wasn’t a good sign that Mac wasn’t acting professional. That was usually a safe bet. He vowed to himself to be extra diligent in case the melt down was coming for real. He couldn’t know how accurate his fear was or how soon the reality would hit or how long it would last.

Harm found Mac talking with a few women in the break room, “...let me know,” he heard her say. She seemed relaxed and in control again. Mac spotted him as he entered the room and turned toward the three women she was talking to.

“This is my partner, Commander Harmon Rabb....” she stopped as she realized that all three women had turned their attention to Harm, flashing him their best smiles. One woman Mac could have sworn was licking her lips.

“Good afternoon.” Harm smiled then turned to Mac again. “I’ll let you finish up here. I’ll meet you by the car when you are done.”

“Oh I’m done here. I’ve seen what I need to see and heard what I need to hear and then some. Let’s go.” Mac grabbed her things and Harm’s arm as she passed and practically pulled him into the elevator. When the door shut she turned on him.

“So are you going to get her phone number so you can call her up later?”

“Mac, what are you talking about?”

“That woman...the blonde that was trying to stake her claim...”

“Mac, no one was staking a claim, and I have no intention of contacting any of them unless you uncovered some information that we need for the case which requires follow up. I don’t even know their names.”

“So now it’s my fault you didn’t get her number?”

“Mac what is it with you?”

“You can’t honestly tell me that you didn’t notice that blonde in there undressing you with her eyes and inviting you to her place!” The elevator doors opened and they both were quiet as they left the building and walked to their car.

“Whoa! Mac, I didn’t see or hear anything of the kind from anyone in there. Besides I’m not looking for anyone to add to my life right now...and nothing about those women caught my interest.”

“What does catch your interest? Teenagers?”

“Where is this coming from Mac?” Harm was trying to keep his anger under control, but the thought that Mac of all people would make that kind of accusation made his blood boil.

“Curiosity. Has there been anyone if your life since the video princess left - what two and a half years ago?”

“Well I tried but those hopes got dashed in Paraguay...look Mac, I don’t want to go there. We’ve gotten over the worse of that mess, as far as our friendship is concerned and I really don’t want to damage it again. We need to focus on the case.”

“Can’t you see it Harm? This case is going to open up those wounds from Paraguay.”

“No I don’t see it Mac...explain it to me.”

“You wanted an instruction manual for me...this is about the instruction manual for women in general.”

Harm nodded. “Then you’ll be interested in what Hackett told me after you left.”

“ I doubt it. He’s as clueless as you are.”

“Mac, what are you talking about,” Harm glanced at his watch, a new habit since he had become responsible for a teenager.

“Never mind. Let’s get going. You must have dinner to cook and homework to oversee this evening.”

“I do, but we need to talk about this case as well, why don’t you join us. Mattie would love to see you.” Harm played the trump card knowing that Mac hated to miss a chance to spend with Mattie. Therefore, he was surprised when she turned down the offer.

“Can’t.”

“Oh.”

“It’s your fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You wanted Bud and Harriet to help keep tabs on me and I agreed to go to dinner tonight.”

“Oh,” Harm couldn’t keep the smile out of his voice. “Well look, why don’t you swing by after you leave their place. You can see Mattie and then we can review the notes we got today and plan our strategy for tomorrow.”

“Agreed.”

Harm tossed her a smile and turned back to driving. Mac leaned back in her seat and tried to keep her roller coaster emotions in check. She had been fighting them all day and after a sleepless night it was getting harder and harder to keep it together. She did not want to give Harm any cause for concern. In some ways he read her to well. In others, he was so clueless. Mac closed her eyes and fought down the almost overwhelming desire to physically lash out in her frustration with Harm and the entire situation.

Mac decided to focus on her upcoming visit with Bud, Harriet, A. J. and Jimmy. After enjoying some family time with them, she would see Mattie. She had taken to the girl immediately and yet there was a small part of her that was almost jealous. Mattie’s life was so similar to Mac’s yet at the point when Harm arrived in Mattie’s life, there had been no one to rescue Mac. She was beyond that and no longer need someone to rescue her. She had rescued herself with Uncle Matt’s help and now she could take care of herself. The Marine Corps had trained her to do that and given her an opportunity to shine.

Harm glanced over at Mac as he drove. At first he thought she was asleep, but then when he had looked again he realized that she was deep in thought and those thoughts weren’t all pleasant. He said a silent prayer that she would be able to work things out and prevent the blow he feared.

1740 Local

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

They arrived at JAG HQ later then he had planned. Mac climbed out of the car and crawled into her Corvette. She had called, “See you later, Harm,” so he was fairly certain that she would be over after she left Bud and Harriet’s. Harm grabbed his cell phone and called the Italian restaurant on the corner near his home and ordered take out dinner. Mattie seemed to enjoy the food they got there and it was better then a pizza every time he was rushed.

Harm picked up his order and then hurried to his place north of Union Station. Mattie was waiting for him in his apartment. He was proud of the fact that she would walk away from the television or phone in the apartment she shared with Jen so she could focus on her homework. Most every evening she was waiting for him when he got there. When she wasn’t there he really missed her.

Tonight she caught a whiff of dinner as she took the bags from him. “Wow! Harm did you get that great eggplant parmesan for me?”

“Yes, and a salad and garlic bread.”

“What did you get?”

“How do you know I didn’t get the same thing?”

“Because you usually get something different so I can try new things.”

“Smart girl...it’s working isn’t it?”

“Yes...I like several of the things I’ve tried and I didn’t think I would. So what did you get?”

“I got Chicken Alfredo.” I thought maybe I could have a taste of you eggplant and you could try this.”

“Okay...hey, is Mac coming over?”

“Actually she might, but after dinner.”

“Oh...”

“It’s okay, she is having dinner at the Robert’s house tonight. She was planning to come over and see you after before you turn in and then we have a case and a plan of attack to come up with.”

“Are you two ever going to admit you want to spend time together and do it just because you want to and not because you supposedly have work to do?”

“I hope so Mattie. Right now we have some things to work out and then maybe we can do just that. Come on, let’s eat.”

Same Time

Robert’s House

Mac pulled up in front of Bud and Harriet’s. While one part of her was looking forward to seeing the kids, Mac knew that she would have to work hard not to let her increasing agitation show.

All the way back from Quantico she kept replaying the scene over in her head. The women had talked about how nice it was to find a good looking gentleman in their world. No one had complained about his behavior, other then being disappointed that he had made no effort to socialize with them despite their attempts to include him in after hour activities. He would always thank them and return to work they had said.

Mac had asked them if he ever spoke of a girlfriend or anyone. They had said they were not aware of him being involved with anyone, although one woman said she remember two calls from women. He had seemed surprised but pleased about the calls. He hadn’t said a thing and no one felt comfortable enough to ask.

Then Mac had asked the question that she had hoped no one ever asked her, “Do you know of anyone that has a thing for the Lieutenant?” All of the women had giggled, blushed and only one had spoke up.

“I was chasing him hot and heavy at first. Now I’m trying some more subtle tactics.”

“Find anything that works?” Mac had asked.

“Not yet.”

“I might want to try some new techniques myself so if you find something that works, let me know.” That’s when Harm had joined them and Mac watched as all three women turned to him. They immediately noticed how attractive her partner was. She could have sworn that Harm had focused in on the one blonde, but he had claimed he wasn’t interested when she had confronted him afterwards.

Realizing that she was still sitting in her car she got out and approached the front door of the Robert’s house. AJ swung the door open and wrapped his little arms around her legs almost toppling them onto the floor.

“Aunt Mac, you’re here!”

“Yes, AJ, I am...how have you been?”

“Good. Jimmy cries too loud sometimes and Mommy can’t take me places much anymore but I’m going to Preschool now.”

“You are? That’s wonderful. You are getting to be such a big boy. Are you being a good brother and helping Mom and Dad?”

“Yes. Where’s Uncle Harm? Did he come too?”

“Not tonight, AJ. He had to go home and help Mattie do homework.”

“Who’s Mattie?”

“Sorry, Mac...AJ, remember the girl that came over with Uncle Harm at Christmas?”

“Oh yeah! I like Mattie.”

“That’s because she was willing to run around outside with you and play board games,” Harriet laughed as she reached for Mac’s coat. “I’m so glad you could come over tonight. We haven’t had much time together this last year.”

“You’re right Harriet. It just seems like the past twelve months have been nothing but chaos and turmoil.”

“Well there have been a few good moments.” Harriet smiled.

“You’ll have to tell me about them, Harriet.”

“What about Harm finding you and getting you out of there? Or Harm being allowed to come back to JAG finally? And Sturgis finding Verese...and Jimmy’s happy and healthy, most of the time...” Harriet broke off as her youngest son began to holler. It wasn’t really a cry but almost.

“I guess you’re right Harriet; there have been some good things.”

“Come on in while I tend to Jimmy and then we can eat. AJ, go tell Daddy that Aunt Mac is here and we’ll be ready to eat soon...then wash your hands and take your seat.”

“Yes, Mom.”

Mac smiled as she watched Harriet issue orders and her young son obey them without question. “He’s a good boy, Harriet.”

“Most of the time. He has started challenging once in awhile and if I have a rough time with Jimmy then AJ tends to pull something so that he gets his share of our attention.”

“It must be hard to balance home and a military career Harriet.”

“Not really. I suppose if I was looking to make Captain and drive boats it would be harder. I have no problem serving part time right now with the boys little. As they get older I will probably spend more time with my career. Bud and I were so thankful that he was able to stay in and that he had skills he could use so he could serve his country even after losing his leg. If he ever decides to get out, he will be able to have a good career and support us. If he stays in he loves his job.”

“Sometimes I think that I put too much time into my career but without it I’m not sure who or what I would be.” Mac was unusually candid with Harriet.

“Maybe Mrs. Rabb?”

“I don’t think so, Harriet. Harm isn’t interested in that kind of relationship with me. I...”

“But you would like that kind of relationship with him, wouldn’t you?” Harriet prodded.

“Harriet...” Mac began feeling trapped by Harriet’s observations.

“I just don’t understand how two people that are so intelligent, so gifted with the use of language, can’t communicate the most basic needs and emotions to the one person that would understand.” Harriet laughed as she settled Jimmy into his seat and brought the food out to set onto the table. Mac pitched in to help. AJ climbed up into his chair and they heard Bud coming in to join them.

“Hi Ma’am...Mac.”

“Hello Bud.” Mac smiled as he caught himself and addressed her more informally. Thankfully it ended Harriet’s comments for the time.

They enjoyed a wonderful home cooked meal and Mac enjoyed doting on her godson. She helped Harriet do the dishes while Bud retreated to the den to read over some files and AJ played and Jimmy sat in his swing.

“Does Bud ever help with the cooking and cleaning Harriet?”

“Oh sure. Especially when he has a day off or during the weekends. If he doesn’t have a lot to do or if he knows I’ve had a rough day he pitches right in.”

“That’s good. I think you are pretty lucky, Harriet.”

“Mac, don’t you think that you and Harm would have a good thing going too, if you’d just talk to each other?”

“Harriet, please let’s not go there,” Mac pleaded. She was proud of the fact that she had kept it together this evening. She would be leaving soon and she wanted to get out before the pressure inside blew. She was gauging the time she had left here before she could escape, but this conversation was more then she could handle.

“Mac, Harm’s been over here to help me out sometimes. He is so sensitive and caring and pitched right in. He came over once and fixed dinner for Bud and I and kept AJ entertained just to surprise us. It was so nice of him and it was easy to see he wants that kind of life. He wants to have a wife and family. Why shouldn’t it be you?”

“Because he doesn’t have a clue, Harriet! He flirts all the time with every blonde he sees. I am not and never will be blonde, so I am not worthy of his time or interest. He is interested in me only when he thinks someone else is. If I show interest in him, he backs away. He’s about the chase and the image not the substance; he doesn’t want to stay around for anything but the flash.” By this time the tears were rolling down Mac’s face. She got up and ran to the other room to grab her coat and escape.

Harriet followed behind her trying to apologize for upsetting her. Mac just brushed her off and ran out of the house to her car. Harriet heard the tires squeal as Mac peeled away.

Harriet grabbed the phone and called Harm.

Chapter 4

1845 Local

North of Union Station

The phone rang and Harm reached for it as he watched Mattie do her math homework. “Rabb.”

“Commander, it’s Harriet. Mac just left her and I’m afraid I upset her. She peeled out when she left. I don’t think she should be driving and I don’t know what she’s doing or where she’s going.”

“Okay, calm down. Tell me what you were talking about when she got upset,” Harm instructed.

“Um, well we were talking about being married and having a good man and how Mac wants to have it...”

“Harriet, what aren’t you telling me?”

“I - ah - well...”

“Spill it Harriet. I won’t hold it against you.” Harm’s voice stayed calm and soothing as he spoke to Harriet.

“I told her that I thought the two of you belonged together and that I thought if you could just accept it then you would both be happier.”

“Oh Harriet...I know you mean well...”

“Sir, she brought up the topic and I just tried to point out that you would make a great husband.”

Harm smiled despite his worry about what this could potentially do to the friendship he had been working to reestablish with Mac. “It’s okay Harriet. I know you care about both of us and want us to be happy. I want the same thing, but I’m not sure Mac can handle this right now. Harriet, how did the topic come up?”

“Well we talked about how this last year we haven’t had much time to spend together. Then Mac said that there wasn’t any good about it and I said there were some good things- like you rescuing her in Paraguay and then finally being allowed back to JAG and Sturgis and Verese hooking up, and baby Jimmy...then she asked me if it was hard to balance a family and a military career.

“I said it was but I chose to go reserve so I could have more time with the children. That led to overall career aspirations. She said she thought sometimes she put too much time into her career but she was afraid that without it she wouldn’t know who she would be.”

“Okay Harriet, I get a feeling this is where my name came up.”

“I suggested that maybe she would be Mrs. Rabb...”

“Harriet...” Harm’s warm voice was tinge with dread and humor at the same time.

“She doesn’t think you are interested in that kind of relationship with her. Later on when we were doing dishes she asked if Bud helped around the house. I told her he did and that we’ve always shared household chores and we take turns with the kids. I then said that you seemed the type to share the responsibilities as well. I told her how you’ve come over to help out and you pitch right in cooking, cleaning, maintenance, and child care. I told her to think about how you’ve taken on Mattie and have her in your life. I said, ‘He wants to have a wife and family. Why shouldn’t it be you’?”

“Is that when she bolted?” Harm asked as he shut his eyes and swallowed hard.

“Not quite...she said something about you don’t have a clue and you flirt with every blonde you see...”

“What else?”

“She thinks you only want her when someone else shows interest; if she shows interest in you you back away...she thinks you are more interested in the chase and not in it for the long haul...that’s when she burst into tears and ran out of here.” Harriet’s voice tapered off to barely a whisper.

“Thank you for calling me and filling me in Harriet. She probably won’t come over here as we had planned, but at least I’ll know why and maybe I’ll be better prepared to handle the fall out.”

“Good night, Harm.”

Harm hung up the phone and sat staring into space.

“Harm?” Mattie tried for the third time to get his attention.

“Oh sorry, Mattie...I was lost in thoughts for a moment. You ready for me to check those?”

“Yeah...Harm is Mac okay?”

“I hope so, Honey, I hope so. She’s a little stressed out right now and she gets upset easily, but don’t take it personally if she’s sharp or sarcastic with you, okay?”

“Okay.”

Harm looked up at Mattie and smiled. “Great job! You must be almost caught up with your math now, right?”

“One more test...if I pass that then I can stop with double assignments. You’ve helped me so much, Harm. Thank you...” Mattie got up and came over to hug her guardian as he sat at the table next to her. She was standing there with her arm around his back, her head on his shoulder and his arm at her waist when they heard the door open.

They looked up to see Sarah Mackenzie storming in, hands on her hips and eyes blazing.

“Mac, what’s wrong?” Harm asked deciding not to let her know that Harriet had called. He felt Mattie pat his back as she stepped away to allow him to stand and approach Mac.

“What’s wrong?” she yelled. “You are the most clueless, arrogant, sorry excuse for a man I’ve seen in sometime,” Mac continued in her drill sergeant voice, laced with sarcasm and loathing.

“Mac, power down a minute. Mattie was just leaving. She doesn’t need to hear this.”

Mac paused and nodded to Mattie but did not speak to her. Mattie left when Harm reassured her it was fine and that he’d talked to her in the morning. Once the door was closed, Mac started again.

“Figures you’d be able to hug her...she’s a blonde.”

“Mac, that is uncalled for and what you are implying isn’t true and you know it. I won’t stand for you treating Mattie that way.”

Mac hung her head for a second. She knew it wasn’t fair to Mattie but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. “Right again, Harmon. Are you ever wrong?”

“More times then I can count - with you at least. What’s going on Mac? I know I am clueless at times...that’s why I’ve asked for an instruction manual.”

“Why do you encourage every woman you meet to come on to you?”

“How do I do that Mac?”

“You’re kidding right?”

“No. I don’t encourage anyone to ‘come on to me’ yet you think I do. I want to know what I am doing so I can stop doing it.”

“Like you could. You and Hackett are two of a kind. You exude charm and flash those dazzling smiles and make a woman feel like you would die for her and then when she wants a little attention in return, you ignore her or back away. You put your high ethical morals first and anyone be damned if they try to put a chink in them.”

As Mac spoke, Harm was processing the information and the light was bringing some things into focus. Like he had told Mattie, he was going to attempt not to take what she said too personally and see if he could get to the bottom of things.

“Mac, are you telling me that when Hackett or I smile at a woman, treat them respectfully, and don’t invite them out that we are sending mixed messages?”

“Yes! You make women feel like you have eyes only for them but when they show interest you could care less.”

“Mac, why do you think I have a thing for blondes?”

“Think about it, Sailor, Annie - blonde, Jordan - blonde, Renee - blonde, even Krennick - blonde...”

“...Diane- dark brown, Maria Elena Carmelita - black, Sarah - brunette...”

“Sarah?”

“You, Mac... Lt. Colonel Mackenzie...” Harm stepped closer to her once he had made eye contact and held her gaze as he reached for her wrists. “Come sit down so we can talk...”

Wrong words. Mac pulled away and stormed further into the room.

“See, there you go using your charm, making me feel like I’m something special!”

“You are Mac...why can’t I show interest in you without you getting angry?”

“Because if I return it you back away!”

“Mac, I don’t back away...I may not answer your questions as clearly as you want, but I don’t always back away.”

“Yes you do!”

“Besides Sydney Harbor, when have I backed away?”

“All the time!”

“Evidence Mac...”

“What about after the JAG-a-thon when I asked you where it left us - you said at the end! I was the one that suggested back at the beginning.”

“Yes, you were, and I thought we were making progress...”

“Then why were you so mean to me in Paraguay, Harm? Explain that! I asked what you wanted and your answers were evasive or cliches!”

“Mac is this getting us anywhere?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, then...Mac, you know that I won’t make promises I can’t keep. Last spring my life was in turmoil - much as it was when we went to Australia. In Sydney Harbor I knew I couldn’t make the kind of commitment to you that you wanted, needed and deserved, so yes I kept you at arms length. In February when we talked about the time table for the baby deal, a part of me was ready to move forward, but you didn’t seem to be...then I was arrested and you were mad about me not sharing the information I had on Singer and when I was finally cleared and I was ready to apologize and ask you to start thinking about our relationship being something more, you left to go on a mission. Mac I thought I was really wearing my heart on my sleeve when I asked you not to leave.”

“I still think it was only because I was going with Clay.”

“Maybe part of it was, but you obviously wanted to go and I couldn’t ask you not to.”

“Why not?”

“Because you are your own person and have the right to make those decisions. I have no right to force you to change your mind to suit me.” Harm was frustrated but tried not to let his frustration show in his voice.

Although he wouldn’t have chose to go this route with Mac tonight, if it would help her de-stress, he’d do it for her. It was time to put his own fear of embarrassment aside and answer what ever she asked as honestly as he could. For Mac, he could do it.

“But if you really wanted a relationship with me other then friendship and being colleagues, why wouldn’t you fight for me?” Mac’s voice was still tight as she challenged Harm on the next issue.

“Mac contrary to what you seemed to believe, I respect your opinion and I take you at your word. If you tell me that you’ve decided that there can never be an us - that it could never work - and you gave me legitimate reasons, why would I ignore your feelings and try to make you see it my way. If you wanted to know how I felt, you would have waited until we got back and things had settled down and then we could have talked about it rationally. You had made up your mind that we wouldn’t work. End of story.”

“How am I suppose to know that you want something when you don’t talk to me!” Mac fumed. Harm’s calm rational demeanor was making her crazy. “If I hadn’t ended it in Paraguay what do you think would have happened?”

“Once things had settled down I would have taken advantage of the fact that we no longer worked together and asked you out. I would have been able to relax and tell you how I felt about you and what direction I wanted our relationship to go...and I would have told you that I wanted to marry you before we began working on the baby deal.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you Mac. It doesn’t matter if you love me or not. It won’t change how I feel about you. If all you have to give me is friendship, then I’ll live with that. If you can’t even give me friendship and I have to settle for being your colleague, then I’ll deal with it. I told you on the Admiral’s porch that I never want to lose you and I meant it then and I mean it now.” Harm watched the emotions play over Mac’s face as he spoke. Tears slid down her cheeks and as much as he wanted to reach out to her, he didn’t for fear he’d send her running.

“Why tell me this now? Why can you tell me you love me now and not then? Aren’t you afraid if you show interest I’ll just jump at a chance to go to bed with you regardless of how I feel? That’s what you’ve accused me of isn’t it...a man shows interest and I’m ready?”

“Mac, I’m sorry. I don’t deal with jealousy very well...I didn’t even recognize it for what it was for a long, long time. I know what I said made it sound like I thought you slept around. I know that’s not true.

“We’ve both had mature, adult relationships- some better then others. Most relationships I’ve been in I’ve hoped for the best but made no guarantees. Annie knew that I was really into taking Luke’s place with Josh. She was smart enough to know that what we had would not last and I got a major lesson in parenting out of that.

“Jordan couldn’t deal with all of me. I had high hopes for Jordan, yet I found myself torn between the two of you over and over again. When it looked like you had chosen Mic over me, Renee helped me deal with that. She was fun and didn’t take things seriously. I hadn’t counted on her falling for me but it was better then being alone at first. The constant doubts were bothering me and I think things would have ended either way. Her father’s death and meeting up with her old boyfriend cemented that.

“Through it all Mac, I found myself comparing everyone I met to you. When you closed the door on a future for us, I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to act. Then I decided that you had chosen Clay over me and I knew I couldn’t pretend anymore. When I was out of JAG I did take advantage of being away. I decided to take you at your word. Then when I came home from some training I under went, I found messages waiting for me, as if nothing was wrong. By then, I knew I was jealous of Clay and I knew I couldn’t stand aside again. It was easier to avoid you. I didn’t want to hurt you any more. Jealousy makes me mean and I don’t like it. You don’t deserve that.”

“You’re telling me that because you were jealous of what you thought I had with Clay, you wanted to avoid me because you couldn’t deal with me being involved with anyone.”

“Yeah...I needed to get some distance and perspective.”

“And did you?”

“Yes...and I knew that no matter what I still loved you and I had to come to grips with it and get on with my life.”

“As I asked before, why tell me this now?”

“Because lately I’ve begun to think you were having second thoughts,” Harm spoke gently and watched for her to react.

Mac looked away from him. She began wringing her hands and looking around her. They had at some point sat on the stools at the island to talk. He saw her look at the door and prepared himself for her to try and run. He remained silent and gave her time to think without making a move toward her.

“We need to discuss the Hackett case Harm.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want to do.”

“It is. Did you learn any more from Hackett after I left?” Mac asked trying to find her professional self. She knew it wouldn’t take much for her to fall a part and focusing on work helped her to regain her Marine mode. She was relieved when Harm didn’t question or argue with her about this sudden switch of topics. It was one of those times when she was glad her partner didn’t push his own agenda...accept on the rare occasion when it was for the greater good.

“I did. He was the only boy in a house of several women - seven sisters, mother, two aunts and a grandmother. He said that he was raised to be respectful, polite, flexible and forgiving.”

“So?”

“Mac, you said earlier that Hackett and I are both clueless. I know that I don’t always read the signals, but Hackett was raised with women. He learned to ignore the signals in order to ‘survive’ he said.”

“Ignore the signals?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you telling me that he can’t tell when a woman is coming on to him?”

“Maybe...I obviously didn’t read the signs the same way you did in the break room with the women you were talking to.”

“Yeah, but that’s just you...isn’t it?”

“Maybe not Mac.”

“Great...this case is going to take us right back to Paraguay isn’t it?”

“That’s what you said earlier...I didn’t get it then, but maybe I do now.”

“Tell me.”

“Okay...Hackett is about duty and honor. He’s not going to get involved with anyone in the same chain of command and if he becomes aware that someone is interested he is going to deflect their interest. The women get fed up after a while when he doesn’t take them up on what they are offering. They feel like they have no resort but to ask to be reassigned. In the cases where they can’t be reassigned, they quit. There’s just one thing I’m not sure about...why so many women in such a short period of time?”

“Harm, not everyone takes as long as we do to figure out that there is something between them.”

“Are you admitting that you have feelings for me?” Harm asked with a soft smile.

“No...yes...Harm we are not talking about us right now. We’re talking about Hackett.”

“Right...”

“Like you, Joel Hackett has the kind of looks that turns a woman’s head. When you turn on the charm and show that you are one of the few good guys that are around it is a powerful image. You respect women and you accept them in your world. You are good with the elderly and the young. A woman’s imagination begins to picture herself with a man like that and puts that beautiful face in the picture. When you are polite and friendly their hopes soar.”

“But I don’t think Hackett really goes looking for their interest.”

“Probably not...it doesn’t matter. All you have to do is look like you and Hackett do in uniforms, and most women are goners - at least on the surface. How real it is and whether they have staying power is another story.”

“So, do you think there is anything here to charge Hackett with?”

“No...he’s being the perfect officer and a gentleman to the highest degree.”

“So shall we put it to rest here, or do we interview the women we can find to get their story?”

“I think we can do some telephone interviews tomorrow and if we don’t get anything that raises flags I think we can put this one away...although how the Admiral takes this ought to be interesting.” Mac smiled and seemed to be more relaxed. Harm decided to push his luck a little. If she handled it, then he could relax about her driving home and if she blew then he would know that he needed to remain vigilant during the night - somehow.

“Mac, I know tonight wasn’t about us and yet I feel like I have a better of understanding of what happened and maybe even what we both want.”

“Harm...please...I’m not proud of how I acted today - at Quantico, when I ran out of Bud and Harriet’s or how I burst in here. Mattie must think I’m insane.”

“No...she knows you deal with me.” Harm smiled.

“Mac it may take time for us to work things out, but maybe you understand now that I want to give us a chance and I am willing to take the steps necessary to give us a chance. I think that rebuilding our friendship is so important - but if we can do it, then know that I will eventually ask you to marry me so that we can fulfill our baby deal. I love you Mac, and if that love can survive everything we’ve put it through in the last eight years, then I think we need to honor it and nurture it and give it a chance to grow. Have I stated my intent clearly enough for you?”

Mac’s eyes were glistening with tears again as she smiled and nodded her head. Harm opened his arms to her and she stepped into them. He wrapped his arms around her and held on. She rested her face against his chest and curled her hands into the material in his sleeves. She felt his lips move against her hair and sighed. For the first time in days, Sarah Mackenzie felt like her world had brightened and she felt a sliver of hope. She knew that Harm would not hold her actions against her for performing her duty or for hurting him.

Slowly Mac pulled herself back so she could look up into Harm’s face.

“Thank you...for putting up with me...for being here when I need you - most of the time...and for being willing to give us a chance. I was wrong to say we’d never work. I shouldn’t have doubted you and I should have realized that you wouldn’t ask me to stay unless it meant a lot to you.”

“Shh...it’s okay. Let it go for now, Mac. You going to be okay to drive home?”

“Yeah...”

“You can stay if you want...”

“It’s tempting, but I think I need some time alone to clear my head. I’ll see you in the morning.”

They hugged again and then Mac kissed Harm’s cheek before leaving his apartment.

Chapter 5

0740 Local

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm was feeling more optimistic this morning regarding Mac. Last night she had released a lot of stress that had built up. He had also gained some valuable insight regarding how the opposite sex viewed him. It left him a little uncomfortable and yet knowing what he knew now, maybe he could prevent certain situations from getting out of hand as they had in the past - like the way he ended up dating Renee when he really wasn’t that interested in her to start with. It had turned out okay in the long run, but that first date that he had been cornered into when he had run into Mac and Brumby should never have happened.

He and Mattie had talked over breakfast about the scene with Mac bursting in. Mattie said she understood and wouldn’t hold it against Mac. She informed Harm that she probably understood Mac better then her did just because they were both women. Harm had teased her that she’d better be at least twenty-five if not thirty before he heard her refer to herself as a woman again. After her tirade he consented with a laugh that prefacing it with young was another thing all together and that he would allow.

Harm had gotten an early start to the day and dropped Mattie off at school before going along to the office. He was feeling optimistic about Mac being able to work things out and deal with all that happened to her without further mood swings. As a result he was cheery as he walked into JAG ops that morning, whistling a tune, stopping to greet people or at the very least smile and say ‘hello’ as he passed the office staff.

Everyone at JAG noticed how happy Harm was compared to the way he had been since his return. Although he had been pleasant and more relaxed since Mattie had become a part of his life, everyone noticed that he was truly happy today.

Same Time

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown

Sarah Mackenzie had been exhausted when she returned home the previous night. She had practically fallen into bed fully dressed but had managed to strip down to her underwear before falling asleep. That sleep had been interrupted four hours later with a nightmare so intense that Mac still shook and had cold sweats thinking about it. She had never fallen asleep again and had eventually dragged herself out of bed, showered and dressed. She stopped and got doughnuts and coffee on her way to JAG.

Mac saw Harm just disappearing through the door as she cleared the guards and pulled into her parking space. She could see he was in a great mood by the spring in his step and the way he held himself. She slowly followed her colleague into JAG. Everyone seemed so disgustingly cheery this morning as she passed them. By the time she got to her office she was grinding her teeth. Why was it she had never noticed how irritating happy people were in the morning?

Setting her coffee and two doughnuts on her desk, she took the rest of the box into the kitchen for the others to enjoy. Harm was there whistling something while he fixed his coffee. He stopped when Mac greeted him with displeasure.

“Must you do that?”

“Good morning, Mac! Do what?” Harm asked.

“Whistle...be so cheery.” Mac complained.

Harm was at once on alert as he spotted the darkness beneath Mac’s eyes. His concern came rushing back. “Mac, are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? God! I get a little emotional a couple of times with you and let down my guard and now if I’m not ‘Miss Mary Sunshine’ you’re ready to pounce and have me committed or something? We can’t all be golden choirboys like you Harmon!” Mac turned and stormed from the break room leaving an open mouthed Harmon Rabb watching her retreat.

“This is not good,” Harm thought to himself. As he passed back through the bull pen on his way to his office, he noticed that the positive atmosphere seemed somewhat diminished. He wasn’t sure if it was his perspective or if Mac’s tirade was to blame. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that the need for alert seemed even greater today then it had yesterday.

Harm hoped that being in the courtroom would be advantageous. They had an Article 32 hearing in which they were working together against Sturgis and Bud. Harm hoped that it was going to be an easy day for Mac. She usually kept her focus during a trial because she had protocol to follow and she had notes to rely on. She had been instrumental in preparing the defense in the case and would be sitting first chair. It had been Harm’s idea and the admiral had been proud of his rebel lawyer for the sensitivity and thought that had gone into his request to the Admiral. Mac had been pleased but surprised when the Admiral told her that Commander Rabb had suggested that Mac sit first chair on the case.

At 0900 local time Harm headed for the conference room where they would meet with their client before the hearing. Mac wasn’t in her office when he entered the bull pen so he proceeded on to the conference room. Thinking he was running late and that Mac had gone on without him, he expected to see her there. The conference room as empty. Harm turned at the sound of the door opening to see their client, Marine Captain Eve Beckett being escorted in by the guards.

“Guard...please leave the door open and stand where you are visible until my partner arrives,” Harm ordered the guard. “Good morning, Captain Beckett. Colonel Mackenzie should be right along. I hope you will be comfortable in here with me with the door open until the Colonel arrives.”

“Thank you sir. Just the fact you thought to do that is very reassuring.”

“Captain, this is not going to be an easy hearing on any of us. Colonel Mackenzie and I believe in your claim and will do whatever we can to protect you.”

“Yes, sir. I trust both of you. I don’t trust the prosecution.”

“Commanders Turner and Roberts were assigned to prosecute this case. They did not bring the original charges of disobeying an order and dereliction of duty against you. Try not to take what they do in the courtroom personally. They are only doing a job and it is not a reflection of them as people.”

“Yes sir. Isn’t it getting late - for Colonel Mackenzie at least. She was so adamant about having this last session when I talked to her last time.”

“You’re right. I will see what I can find out. I’ll be right back.” Harm stepped into the hallway and looked around. He turned to the guard, “Have you seem Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie?”

“No sir.”

“Leave the door ajar and stand guard. No one goes in accept Colonel Mackenzie until I return.”

“Yes sir.”

Harm rushed first toward Mac’s office. She still wasn’t there. In desperation he turned to Harriet.

“Lt. Sims, have you seen the Colonel?”

“No sir, not for awhile.”

“Would you check the ladies room for me?”

“Is she sick sir?”

“I don’t know Harriet, but she didn’t look good this morning. It’s not like her to ignore an appointment with a client.”

Harriet hurried into the ladies room on that floor but didn’t see her. She joined Harmed as they went upstairs to check the restrooms on that floor. Again, Harriet returned shaking her head. Harm was really getting concerned. They decided to split up. Harriet would check the restrooms and locker room downstairs and Harm would check the break room, the other offices, the elevator and judicial wing.

He had searched all locations with no luck and was approaching the conference room as Harriet approached from the other direction shaking her head no indicating she had not been able to locate the Colonel either. Just then Harm heard Mac’s voice coming from the conference room.

He hurried in, “Colonel, glad to see you here. It was getting late. Everything okay?”

“Yes Commander. Why wouldn’t it be? And I believe you are the one that is running late.”

Harm held up a hand to Captain Beckett to keep her from correcting Mac. “Shall we review anything or are we ready to move to the court room?”

“I reviewed while I waited for you. Let’s go.” Mac scooped up her things and indicated that Beckett should precede them. As she passed Harm Mac whispered. “Stop fussing over me Commander or I’ll kick you six in the gym later, after the Admiral tears a strip off you!” The anger in Mac’s voice sent alarm bells off in Harm’s head. This was not the kind of thing that Mac acted this strongly over. Something was wrong.

Little did Harm know that the tornado that he had thought had been reduced to a storm after the session last night had built up strength and gained momentum. Sarah Mackenzie’s raging storm was about to be unleashed.

They entered the courtroom and took their places. Bud and Sturgis watched Mac both noticing that something seemed wrong. Harm just shrugged and shook his head no. They both knew that he was saying he wasn’t sure what was wrong and that it would be best not to ask her at this point.

Captain Sebring was announced as presiding and he asked for the charges to be read.

“Captain Eve Beckett, USMC has been accused of Dereliction of duty and disobeying a direct order. Commander Turner are you ready to begin?”

“Yes sir. On October 24, 2003 Captain Beckett was assigned to conduct an inventory of medical supplies at the base warehouse by her commanding officer, Colonel Stewart Ayer. Colonel Ayer went to check on the Captain’s progress and found that she was not present in the warehouse. The warehouse was open and unsecured. The inventory had not been completed and the records were left unattended on one of the shelves. It is the government’s contention that Captain Beckett was distracted and walked away from her post leaving medical supplies and other items stored in the warehouse vulnerable to thieves.”

Mac stood at that point and prepared to make her statement. She shuffled papers, cleared her throat, and appeared very nervous. Harm watched her and reached for her hand. He let his forefinger touch the back of her hand as he whispered, “What do you need Mac?”

She glared at him and then straightened to address Captain Sebring. “The defense contends and will provide evidence that this hearing should never have been convened, Your Honor. Captain Beckett followed orders. She went to the warehouse alone during an evening shift and began to conduct an inventory. While there someone entered the warehouse, overpowered the Captain and attempted to sexually assault her.

“Upon hearing someone approach, the perpetrator fled the scene and Captain Beckett, scared and ashamed of her ripped clothing and tearful state fled the scene as well. That is why Colonel Ayer found an unsecured warehouse and no inventory completed. Had the Colonel not over reacted and sent his MP’s to arrest her, Captain Beckett may have been able to collect herself and report the situation. She may have been able to complete her assigned duties as well if security had been there to protect her.”

“Colonel Mackenzie, your opening was very close to be unacceptable. Let me remind you that I run a tight ship in here and I will not have any person dragged through the mud to put up smoke screens.” Captain Sebring warned Mac, and then added, “And that goes for all of you,” he added as he looked at Harm, Bud and Sturgis. Chegwidden had a top notch bunch of lawyers but sometimes they got carried away with trying to out do each other, always in the best interest of their client, but not always without damage to egos.

As Mac took her seat she muttered under her breath, “Glad he included the men in his warning or I’d of had his ass.”

Harm heard her and tried to find a way to get her to keep her comments to herself in the courtroom. Suddenly he had a strange feeling that this was the calm before the storm.

Sturgis called his first witness, Colonel Stewart Ayer. After Colonel Ayer had been sworn in, Sturgis asked him to describe the scene he found when he arrived at the warehouse.

“It was dark and the main door was open.”

“As in unlatched or as in unlocked?”

“The door was unlocked and ajar about a foot.”

“Continue please.”

“I went in and turned on the light and started calling to her.”

“How many times did you call her name?”

“Three or four times.”

“And then what did you do?”

“I walked along the aisles and looked down each one. In the next to the last one I saw a clip board on the floor, so I walked over and picked it up.”

“What did you do then?”

“I went over to the phone on the wall and called security and told then to find Captain Eve Beckett and arrest her.”

“Thank you.” Commander Turner took his seat after he nodded to Mac.

“Colonel Ayer, could you describe the condition of the clipboard when you found it?”

“Ma’am?”

“The clipboard, Colonel, you said it was on the floor. Describe how it was positioned.”

“I don’t remember exactly.”

“Permission to treat as hostile witness, sir?” Mac asked Captain Sebring.

“Denied, Colonel. Perhaps you could give him the clipboard to show you how it was.” Sebring suggested.

Mac blew the air out of her lungs as she turned to the table to pick up the clipboard. “Show us how you found it Colonel.” Mac handed him the board which he took and positioned upside down with papers turned under and folded over and not all quite under the clip.

“Does that look like a clipboard that was just set down and walked away from Colonel?”

“Objection - calls for speculation,” called Sturgis.

“Over ruled.”

“No, Ma’am. It looked like it was thrown down to me.”

“Objection. The last statement is prejudicial and should be stricken.”

“Sustained. His answer ‘no’ remains the rest is stricken,” instructed Sebring.

Mac returned to the table and then back to her position in front of the Colonel, and then back to the table. Harm watched her with growing alarm as he became more aware of her agitated state.

“Colonel Mackenzie, are you ready to continue?” asked Sebring.

“Yes, your honor,” Mac took a deep breath and replied as she turned back to the witness. “Colonel Ayers, when did you first see Captain Beckett after you discovered the empty warehouse?”

“The next morning I went over to the brig to talk to her.”

“Could you describe her appearance please?”

“She was huddled in the corner of the bunk, her knees drawn up under her and her face down resting between her arms.”

“Did she respond to you when you spoke to her?”

“No Ma’am she did not.”

“What did you say to her?”

“Captain Beckett, why did you leave your post unsecured?”

“And how did she respond?”

“She didn’t Ma’am.”

“What did you do then?”

“I told her if she didn’t give me a reason for her disappearing act I would charge her with Dereliction of duty and disobeying an order.”

“And what did she do?”

“She ignored me.”

“And so you charged her and here we are,” Mac’s voiced dripped with sarcasm.

Captain Sebring glared at Mac, “Colonel Mackenzie, I have already warned you about your attitude and pushing limits this morning.”

Harm watched in disbelief as Sarah Mackenzie, the prim and proper Marine, turned on her heel and glared back at the presiding judge, Captain Sebring and snarled, “Yeah, I got it and this is a bunch of hogwash!”

Harm jumped up, “May we have a recess, sir?”

At that point chaos erupted. Captain Sebring requested a sidebar; Commander Turner objected to the delay; Bud jumped up not sure what to do; and Sarah Mackenzie wheeled on Commander Rabb.

“What do you mean asking for a recess. I and first chair, Flyboy, not you!” Mac shouted as she pointed her finger at Harm and approached the table. “You have no right over-riding me when I am within my rights to keep going. You are just like the rest of them! You think no one is as good as you especially women, you arrogant, pig-headed chauvinists treat us like scum and pounce on any weakness to make yourselves look good.”

“Colonel Mackenzie, Get control of yourself. This outburst is unprofessional and will not be tolerated in my courtroom!” Captain Sebring stood and bellowed.

Mac spun back toward him and started to approach the bench. Harm came around the table and tried to stop Mac by taking her arm which she pulled away from him and swung widely just missing hitting him.

“Sir, please, may we have a recess?” Something in Harm’s voice or face got through to Captain Sebring and he realized that something wasn’t right and that Commander Rabb was trying to get things under control.

“Bailiff, clear the courtroom! Court dismissed until further notice.” Captain Sebring stood and signal for everyone to leave Harm and Mac alone.

Harm had finally gotten a hold of Mac who had spun back toward him and was hurling insults at him and pummeling him with her fists. The more Harm tried to contain her the angrier she got. Bud tried to approach and Harm shook his head stopping him.

“Sir, what can I do to help?” asked Bud, just as Mac flailed her arms and made contact with Harm’s face, drawing blood on his cheek.

“Send Harriet and inform the Admiral. Thanks Bud.”

Harm’s words penetrated Mac’s brain just enough to raise her panic level so that her voice got louder and she screamed more insults, “Some friend you are! Instead of working with me you’re going to scuttle my career. You’ve been waiting for that haven’t you? Haven’t you!”

“Mac, please calm down. Get control Marine!” Harm shook her as he held her by her arms near her shoulder.

“You get control! Let go of me...” Mac’s voice dropped and she rolled her eyes back as she stared hard at her long time partner and friend.

Harm started to release Mac and as soon as she felt him release her, she renewed her attack. This time her feet delivered blows while her fists hammered and her tongue insulted.

This time, partly out of self defense and partly out of desperation, Harm wrapped his long arms around her and pulled her as close to him as he could, trapping her arms between them and off balancing her enough so that she stopped kicking.

In her frustration, Mac began to cry and Harm continued to hold her close to him and talk quietly trying to calm her. Slowly he felt the fight leave her. Her legs began to buckle as she hung on to him. Her words stopped as she cried and sobbed hysterically against him.

Slowly he lowered them both to the floor holding and rocking her. That’s where they were when Harriet entered. Harm looked up and his pain was evident in his eyes as they met Harriet’s.

“Mac...are you okay?” Harriet softly asked.

Mac slowly shook her head no as she continued to sob against Harm’s chest. She was slowly getting calmer, but the tears continued to fall and her movements were stilted.

“Can I get you anything?” Harriet asked both of them.

Mac didn’t respond but Harm in a very quiet voice asked, “Perhaps Mac would like some water.”

“Would you like that Ma’am?” Harriet asked, falling into more formal address. Mac’s headed nodded yes.

Harriet went to get a cup of water when Admiral Chegwidden entered the room. He looked around confused before spotting his two senior lawyers on the floor between the bench and the defense table. The look of fear and desperation on Harm’s face was as unsettling as the look of hopelessness on Mac’s.

AJ kneeled down next to his officers and spoke quietly and calmly. “I’m not sure what happened in here today, people, but I know one thing. You are two of the best I’ve ever worked with. You both have done more for people in need then you could ever be repaid for. I will do what ever is in my power to help you now.” He stopped to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Mac, I know you probably will hate me for this, but I want you to go to the hospital. Harm and Harriet can take you. I want you to get some rest and undergo an evaluation. It is not like you to behave like this. Captain Sebring knows that and I am sure when I talk to him he will not hold this against you. Get some help Mac. I need you back her at JAG when you are ready.”

Harm nodded to his Commanding Officer and they all came to their feet, Harm standing up and lifting Mac as well. Harriet returned with the water but Mac didn’t take it. She still quietly cried against Harm as they made their way out of the court room.

“Lt. Sims, please drive the Commander and Colonel to Bethesda. I’ll have Lt. Roberts join you as soon as possible.”

“Aye Aye sir.”

Harriet hurried to Harm’s office for his keys and to gather their covers. Harm slowly walked Mac to his SUV and arrived just as Harriet joined them and unlocked the doors.

Harm somehow got in the back seat with Mac still clinging to him and Harriet. The radio was playing the same station that Harm had listened to on his way to JAG that morning. It seemed like it had been days since he had arrived, hopeful that the storm brewing in Mac had dissipated the night before. How wrong he had been.

Chapter 6

Bethesda Medical Center

Maryland

Harm had held a trembling Sarah Mackenzie all the way to the hospital. Her tears had continued to fall and sometimes a sob would shake her body. He could feel her heart pounding in her body.

Harriet could hear Harm murmuring to Mac trying to sooth her and she was struck by how kind and gentle Harmon Rabb was. She was glad she knew this side of him. He had shown it to her over his concern during her pregnancy and Bud’s recovery and even when the children were sick. She hoped that when Mac came out of this she could see how much she was loved by this gentle giant of a man.

“Harriet, pull up by the emergency room doors. The Admiral said something about calling ahead and having us met here right?”

“Yes sir. A doctor named Commander James.” Harriet stopped the SUV and Harm eased out bringing Mac with him. They walked into the emergency room while Harriet parked the car.

As they entered Harm headed toward the desk when an average looking man with light brown hair just starting to gray approached him.

“Commander Rabb?”

“Yes.”

“Dr. James. AJ said he was sending you in. Right this way please.”

Harm followed the man to an office down the hall.

“We’ll talk in here first,” explained Dr. James. “Have a seat.”

“Your attachments’ name?”

“Excuse me?”

“Just kidding. Her name?”

“Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“I’m not sure telling you all this in front of Mac is a good thing.”

“Well, I need to know what happened and I suspect that she is not going to let you release her just yet so in order for me to help, it has to be this way. You can give me an outline instead of details for now.”

Harm reluctantly tried to recap what had happened in the court room.

“I see,” muttered Dr. James. “When did you first see this type of irrational or uncharacteristic start to occur?”

Harm took a deep breath as he thought about it. Letting out a long sigh he said, “Last June when I had to rescue her from being tortured when she was on a classified mission.”

“And was she tortured?”

“No...not physically at least. She hasn’t talked much about it but her partner of the mission...a mutual friend of ours that we had worked with before...was and she heard his screams. She saw people executed and she was strapped to a table ready to be executed when we arrived to extract them.”

“Did she get counseling for it before returning to work?”

“No...well someone saw her and said she was fit for duty.”

“Tell me Commander Rabb, if her behavior had been erratic since June why hasn’t anyone gotten her help before this?”

“Because she fooled us in many ways. She doesn’t let people in easily. She’s a recovering alcoholic and I did watch for signs of her having trouble with alcohol. That she seemed to handle. But she hid how she was really feeling and people didn’t notice because everyone’s world was dealing with upheaval and turmoil. When I returned to JAG a few months ago I was so focused on getting our friendship back that I misread some of the signs.”

“Don’t go blaming yourself Commander. You obviously are a lifeline for her or she wouldn’t have hung on to you like this.” Dr. James approached then and took Mac’s pulse. “I’, going to give her a mild sedative. I take it she hasn’t been sleeping?”

“I know she wasn’t sleeping because of nightmares. She was able to sleep one night when I told her I would stand guard...but this morning she was agitated and had circles under her eyes again...” Harm explained.

Dr. James administered a shot in Mac’s thigh. She didn’t even flinch. He then called for a gurney as he explained to Harm, “She’s going to fall asleep soon and we will transfer her to the gurney and then I’ll take her upstairs. We need to draw blood and run some tests, but I am sure we are dealing with Post Traumatic Stress. I want to rule out any organic causes such as Bi-polar or other chemical imbalances at the same time. When she wakes up we will have a psych evaluation done.”

“Can we sit with her?”

“Later, after she wakes up and we have run some tests. I would say the earliest you will be able to see her is tomorrow morning. I suggest you get some rest and call tomorrow to check on her before you make the trip over. When you come back tomorrow bring some comfortable clothes for her if you can. I’d like her to stay here a few days so she can rest and start to recover and then I want her home with family and friends around as much as possible.”

Harm could feel Mac’s grip on him loosen as the medication took affect. With the doctor’s help they put her on the gurney and Harm leaved over her and brushed her hair of her face and lightly kissed her forehead.

“Rest, Mac...Get better... I’ll see you soon.” Harm straightened and headed down the corridor not wanting to look back and see Mac wheeled away. He saw Harriet and Bud waiting for him.

“How is she?” Harriet asked.

“The doctor gave her some medication that will make her sleep. She’s exhausted- nightmares she said...she’s been through a lot...” Harm’s voiced trailed off. Harriet put a reassuring hand on his arm as she continued to look for information.

“Did the doctor say when we might be able to see her?”

“He said we could call tomorrow and see how she is and if she’s ready for visitors. They have tests and they want her to rest. I’ve got to get some comfortable clothes together for her to bring over...”

“Would you like me to take care of that sir?”

“Thanks Harriet,” Harm nodded. “What time is it? I guess I should get back to JAG.”

“It’s 1125 sir. Admiral Chegwidden said to tell you to take the day if you need it.”

“Thank’s Bud...I think I’ll go back. I want to see the admiral and Captain Sebring. I’ve got to make them understand.”

“Commander, what’s wrong with the Colonel?” asked Harriet.

“They think she is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...after all she’s been through this year, that wouldn’t be surprising.” Harm started walking toward the parking lot and Harriet and Bud walked with him. Harriet handed him his keys and watched him unlock and get in his SUV. He nodded to them as he drove away.

The music played in the car but Harm did not consciously hear it. His mind was on what he would say to Sebring and Chegwidden.

Once at JAG Harm went first to the Admiral’s office and asked Coates to see if the admiral would see him. Jen nodded and Harm turned to the doorway raised his fist to announce his presence.

“Enter...have a seat Rabb. How’s Mac?” AJ gestured to the chair in front of his desk and came around to sit next to Harm instead of behind his desk.

“The doctor gave her something to make her rest and relax. They are going to run some tests and do a psych eval. Dr. James said that he wants to keep her a few days so that she rests and can start recovery before they send her home.”

“PTSD?”

“That’s what he thinks. Sir, what happens to Mac now as far as JAG and her career go?”

“Well, I’ve spoken to Captain Sebring and told him that we had been concerned about Mac but thought she was working things through and releasing her stress so that she could function in her job. He said he’s seen what PTSD can do to a person first hand and if the doctor signs off that this episode was a result of traumatic stress, he won’t take it any further. He also said that he was impressed with the way you handled the situation. You know Harm, you probably should have had that cut on your face taken care of while you were at the hospital.”

Harm put his hand to his face and touched the sore spot. He had forgotten about the blows Mac had landed. He removed his handkerchief and wiped at the spot. It had scabbed over so he wasn’t able to wipe the blood away.

“It wasn’t good enough sir. I should have seen it sooner and gotten her out of there.”

“From what I’ve been told by several witnesses, there was no warning, Commander. She just blew.”

“No...I saw her anxiety level go up...I heard it in her voice, but she’s done that a couple of times this week and she’s taken a deep breath and gotten control again. Today she didn’t...she was so angry with me...I think she trusted me to protect her and I let her down.”

“Harm, listen. Mac counts on you, yes...so do any number of other people...and when you weren’t around she tried to fill your shoes. Not real easy when you are trying to recover from a mission that went bad - say nothing about hearing someone you consider a friend scream while they are being tortured. Mac suppressed it all. She even admitted to Bud and me at different times that she doesn’t let people know what she is really thinking or feeling. We may have been able to get her help sooner too. Don’t beat yourself up. Mac’s going to need you to help her heal.”

“How am I going to do that sir? The things she said indicated that I’m part of the problem.”

“Harm, have you ever heard the saying, ‘you only hurt the one you love’?”

“Yes, but what does that have to do with Mac and me?”

“You love each other and have for years,” AJ held up his hand indicating that Harm should hear him out. “I don’t care what you two call it, you love each other. You have chosen to remain friends and not take your relationship to a deeper level from what I’ve been able to understand talking with the two of you. You have fought and made up and if either of you are in need nothing will stand in the way of you charging in for the other. I don’t know why you can’t admit to each other how you feel, but I think when you deal with your feelings it will help Mac to heal too. You need each other.”

“Admiral, it’s complicated partly because we work together.”

“Don’t give me that Commander...If you two got together there are some options I can look at for one or both of you that would allow you to have a personal life and still do the work you love. Don’t let that be the obstacle that prevents you from getting together.”

“Aye, aye sir...thank you...for everything.”

“Don’t get sappy on me Commander...let Sebring know what the doctor said, secure for the day and get out of here. Keep me posted on Mac and if you need to be there for her, do it.”

“Yes sir.” Harm stood, saluted and turned on his heel to leave when the Admiral dismissed him.

Harm found his things in his office and knew that Jen must have gotten Mac’s things for her as well. Bud couldn’t have done it as they had confidential information they he wasn’t allowed to see. He took care of the files and cleared his calendar for the day. He found Jen in Mac’s office calling and cancelling her appointments for the rest of the week.

“Thank you Petty Officer...I’m going to see Sebring and then I’m headed home.”

“Yes sir...Maybe I’ll see you later.”

Harm went to the third floor and found Captain Sebring’s office. He rapped on the casing and turned the knob when he heard the command to enter.

“Commander Rabb, come in. How’s Colonel Mackenzie?”

“The doctor gave her some medication and she is resting.”

“What’s the diagnosis?”

“Right now he is confident that it’s post traumatic stress syndrome and exhaustion from the nightmares. Sir, I’m sorry I didn’t see it coming sooner and get her out of there...”

“I’ve seen it before Rabb, and you handled it better then most. No need to apologize. Colonel Mackenzie is well known and respected. I will do everything in my power to protect her reputation and welcome her in my court room again when she’s ready.”

“Thank you sir...that will mean a lot to her.”

“Dismissed Commander.”

“Aye, aye, sir.” Harm breathed a sigh of relief as he left Captain Sebring’s office. He felt better knowing that Sebring did not hold Mac in contempt and that he recognized the situation for what it was. Perhaps having lived with a sick wife for so many years helped him to find compassion for others.

1345 Local

North of Union Station

Harm’s Apartment

Harm went into his loft and tossed his cover on the shelf. He changed out of his uniform into his favorite well worn t-shirt and jeans. He grabbed his guitar and flipped on his radio in one motion. He found himself playing along with the music on the radio. He heard one song that he had been hearing a lot on the radio. He tried to block it out, but the words to the song would not let him. They kept going through his head. The female singer had a clear rich voice. The words she sang haunted him. He got up then and turned off the radio. Returning to his guitar he strummed a few chords until he heard a knock on his door. He crossed the room to peek out and smiling he opened the door for Mattie.

“Hey kiddo...aren’t you home earlier then usual?”

“Harm, it’s after three...I only get home later when I stay at the library or something. How come you are home so early?” Mattie asked.

“Mattie, Mac had a really bad day today and I ended up having to take her to the hospital.”

“She’s going to be alright though, right Harm?”

“I hope so...she’s exhausted from all the nightmares. She will have a lot to work out and she will need us later when she get’s stronger.”

“We’re family for her, aren’t we Harm?”

“Of course, Mattie, we’re family. What’s on your mind?” Harm asked her as he slipped his arm around her shoulder and hugged her to him, dropping a kiss on her hair.

Mattie returned the hug and looked up at him. “Harm, I’m glad you came into my life when you did, but Mac- well she does things like my mom did...it’s almost like I have my mom again when she’s around...I don’t want to lose her Harm!”

“Sshhh...it’s okay Mattie. Mac will get better. We have to stay positive and we need to show her we love her and will wait for her to get better.”

“Can I go see her?”

“As soon as the doctor says its alright we’ll go see her together, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“So what do you want for dinner tonight?”

“You cooking?”

“If you’d like?”

“Okay...can we have chicken and dumplings?”

“Mattie, all that gravy...”

“Don’t make a heavy gravy. Jen made some while you were gone and used a stock broth or something. It was really good. I know where the recipe is.” Mattie pleaded and batted her eyes at her guardian.

“Okay, we’ll make it together.”

0730 Local

North of Union Station

Harm’s Apartment

“Yes, this is Commander Harmon Rabb. I’d like to speak to Dr. James please.”

“One moment please.” Music played in the background while Harm waited.

“Dr. James.”

“Yes, Dr. James. This is Commander Rabb. I brought Lt Colonel Sarah Mackenzie in to you yesterday. How is she doing?”

“Well, Commander, she slept most of the day yesterday. We conducted her blood tests last night and have ruled out any organic disorders. We started her psych eval and it is going well...she is being very cooperative...”

“What aren’t you telling me Commander?”

“What is your relationship with Colonel Mackenzie?”

“We have been friends and partners for many years...”

“And what are you telling me, Commander Rabb?”

“We have both considered having a more romantic relationship but have never done anything about it...too many complications and fear of speaking first I guess.”

“Commander, the Colonel has asked that you not be allowed in to see her...”

“What? Why?” Harm couldn’t believe his ears.

“I think she’s embarrassed about her behavior. She is afraid to face you because she is afraid of what you think of her out burst and of her...”

“That doesn’t change a thing! I know she’s been through a lot and I’ve tried to help her however I could. Please I need to see her...and my ward needs to see her.” Harm pleaded with the doctor to change Mac’s mind or to ignore her request.

“Commander, you want her to get better, right?”

“You know I do.”

“Then we need to let her set her own pace for now. She is very fragile and she cannot handle the emotions that you stir in her. Is your ward Mattie?”

“Yes.”

“She has asked to see her...please give Mac more time. When she’s ready she’ll see you and when I think she’s strong enough I’ll lift the ban.”

“Can I send her a letter?”

“Yes, that actually might be good. Tell her how you feel about this whole thing. She can read it a little at a time maybe if she can’t handle it at once.”

“Thank you Doctor. May I bring Mattie by this morning before I take her to school.?”

“I think that would be fine. Be patient Commander Rabb. Sarah Mackenzie is a strong woman and when they fall they fall far and hard; she is also determined to fight this and she’s willing to do what ever she needs to do to get her strength back.”

Harm hung up and sat at the table with a pad of paper and began to write.

Dear Mac,

Dr. James tells me you are not up to seeing me yet. All I can tell you is this doesn’t change a thing for me. I care about you and will stand by you no matter what.

Don’t waste time worrying about Sebring and Chegwidden. Captain Sebring knows there was a reason for you to be acting out of character and he wishes you a speedy recovery so that you can return to his court room. Chegwidden is also supporting you and is allowing staff to take time to see you when you are ready for company.

Mac, thank you for wanting to see Mattie. She wanted us both to come see you but I told her that you weren’t ready to see me but asked for her. Thank you for loving her as I do.

When you are ready I’ll be there. Get well soon Mac.

Love,

Harm

Mattie and Harm walked down the hospital corridor together toward Mac’s room. Mattie looked up at Harm and took his hand.

“What’s on your mind, kiddo?” Harm gave Mattie a comforting smile.

“How should I act?”

“Just be yourself...Mattie, will you give Mac this letter for me?”

“Yes...if its okay.”

“Yes Dr. James gave me permission to write to her. She can read it when she’s ready.”

Mattie hugged Harm and then pushed open the door to Mac’s room.

“Mac?”

Mac turned toward Mattie’s voice and then smiled when she saw she was alone. “Hey Mattie. Thanks for coming to see me.”

“Thanks for letting me...Harm asked me to give you this and to tell you to get better.”

Mac took the letter and looked at the bold handwriting on the envelope. She set it to one side and smiled at Mattie.

“So how’s school going?”

“Okay...Mac what can I do to help you?”

“Come visit me when I get home and let me help you with your homework and tell me about your day.”

“Really?”

“Yeah...I like spending time with you. I need things that take my mind off the bad stuff and let me enjoy the normal everyday stuff.”

“Okay. Are you mad at Harm?”

“No. It’s just that it takes a lot out of me to deal with Harm and I’m not ready for that yet.”

“He wants to help.”

“I’m sure he does...and if he does he’ll give me time.”

“Alright I won’t keep talking about him.”

“Thank you,” Mac whispered.

Mattie hugged Mac before she left the room.

Chapter 7

1330 Local

Bethesda Medical Center

Harriet Sims knocked gently on Mac’s door before opening it a crack and peeking through. “Hi. Up for a little company?”

“Hello Harriet. Come on in.” Mac attempted a smile for her friend.

“How you feeling?” Harriet returned the smile as she settled into the chair next to Mac’s bed and set an over night bag next to her.

“Like I’m on an emotional roller coaster,” Mac said as she looked at the bag. “Would that be clothes for me?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Thank you. I can’t wait to put on something besides this hospital gown and robe. Hopefully the doctor will take out this IV later today and let me get dressed.”

“Why an IV?” Harriet asked a little nervously as she looked around the room. She spotted the envelope on Mac’s table with Harm’s bolding writing. It didn’t look like it had been opened.

“Oh, the doctor thought I was dehydrated and he had also given me a mild sedative. I guess I slept the first twelve hours while they drew blood for tests. The good news they say is that there is nothing wrong with organically. I’m just a head case.” Mac’s voice didn’t have its usual spark and she didn’t look Harriet in the eye as she spoke.

“Mac...”

“It’s alright Harriet. I’ve kept a lot in and even Harm told me that stress has to relieve itself someway. I guess he’s right again,” Mac’s voice trailed off as she spoke. Harriet saw her opening and took it.

“Harm is really worried about you. He wants to see you Ma’am.”

“I know Harriet...but I can’t!” Mac suddenly became more agitated.

“Why?”

“I just can’t Harriet...I don’t want to talk about Harm, please?” Mac’s voice rose and she nearly pleaded with Harriet to change the subject.

“Okay...what would you like to talk about?” Harriet tried to sooth her friend.

“How are the boys?”

“Growing...AJ is a handful. He’s jealous of Jimmy and angry when Bud and I have to work or do things for the baby. He’s becoming a brat frankly.” Harriet smiled always eager to talk about her family.

“You and Bud will deal with it. You are both such good parents.”

“We learn as we go along. All the books you read don’t tell you what’s right. You can learn different methods, but you still have to decide what is best and what works for you. And what works for one baby doesn’t work for another!” Harriet exclaimed laughing at the trials and tribulations of parenthood.

“So even you and Bud make mistakes?”

“We certainly do...and as soon as we realize it, we try to fix it if we can...with our own relationship as well. It never makes it better to wait to confront what bothers you. It makes it seemed bigger and worse then it is.”

“Aahhh...now you are talking about Harm and I again aren’t you?”

“No, Ma’am. I was talking about Bud and I...but I’m sure what ever it is you don’t want to deal with wouldn’t see as bad if you talked about it.”

“I can’t Harriet...not yet.”

They looked up as the door opened. “Colonel Mackenzie, are you ready for your next session with Dr. James?”

“I was just leaving,” Harriet said as she stood up and gathered her things.

“Just about,” Mac said to the nurse who backed away as Mac turned to Harriet. “Thanks for coming. They have me on a schedule today of sorts. I spend about an hour with the doctor rehashing my life and then I get time to rest, eat and have company before it starts again. This is session three today.”

“Sounds rough...do you think it’s helping?”

“It tires me out...tonight they are going to see if I can sleep without nightmares...thanks again for coming Harriet.”

Harriet left as Dr. James entered. She glanced over her shoulder as the door shut. Sarah Mackenzie was fragile and it was hard to see her like this. The only time Harriet had ever seen her as hesitant and unsure was just before her wedding to Mic and the night that Harm went down in the Atlantic.

Same Time

Mac’s Hospital Room

During their first two sessions Dr. James had been collecting information about what she recalled from her life. She had calmly answered all of his questions about her childhood, her mother leaving her, forgiving her father on his death bed, her alcoholism and Uncle Matt’s help, her marriage, her aborted marriage, her career path, meeting Harm and helping him gain custody of Mattie, being godparents to little AJ, mentoring Chloe, hoping to someday have her own family and finally having to keep things running at JAG more recently. Now they were getting into what had caused her breakdown.

Dr. James checked Mac’s chart and then sat next to her bed. “It looks like you’ve had a few visitors today. How did that go?”

“Fine.”

“Did you talk about what happened yesterday with any of them?”

“Not really.”

“Okay, I want you to tell me what you do remember about yesterday.”

“I can’t.”

“Because you can’t remember? Or because you are afraid of facing those emotions again?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know if you remember?”

“Why are you grilling me like this!” Mac shouted sitting up straight in her bed and waving her arms at the doctor.

“I’m asking you some basic questions Sarah - not grilling you. Who else grills you with questions?”

“No one.” Mac sat back and returned to short clipped answers.

“Did Sadik grill you with questions?”

“Sometimes.”

“Did you answer him?”

“Yes...but not with the information he wanted.”

“What did he do when you didn’t cooperate?”

“He tortured Clay and shot the missionaries. He was going to start on me, but Harm got there.”

“Commander Rabb rescued you?”

“Yes. That must have been a relief. How did you feel when you knew you were safe?”

“I don’t know...”

“Yes you do. Close your eyes, Sarah. Think about a time you have felt safe.” Dr. James watched her features relax and saw her wrap her arms around herself and a slight smile came on her face. Her beauty was breath-taking. “Describe what you are feeling.”

“I’m warm and snug. Nothing can hurt me.”

“Why can’t anything hurt you?”

“He won’t let them.”

“Who Sarah? Who won’t let them hurt you?”

“Harm...as long as he holds me I’m safe...”

“He’s letting go of you now, Sarah. What are you going to do?”

“Take control. I’m not letting him take control again!”

“Why?”

“It’s too hard to carry the load alone.”

“Why Sarah?”

“I need him...but he walks away and I have to do it alone.”

“When has he ever walked away?”

“He always walks away when I feel alone and needed him...someone always needs him more. I won’t let it happen again!”

“How are you going to prevent it?”

“I’ll find a way!” Mac again became agitated and tears rolled down her face. Her eyes were open and glazed as she looked into the distance not focused on anything particular.

“Is this why you won’t see him now? Are you afraid he will walk away when you need him?”

“I don’t need him. I can do this on my own...I have to do it on my own! I’ve fought on my own all my life and that’s what I will continue to do. I’m only weak when I let someone help me!”

“What about Uncle Matt? Did you need his help?”

“Yes.” Mac’s voice became petulant as the flaws in her thinking were pointed out.

“Have you ever helped him?”

“Yes...no...Harm did.”

“I see. What about Harm - have you ever helped him?”

“Yes...when he was looking for his father and his brother and when he was put in jail the first time and when the drug dealer was going to shoot him and when he was lost at sea and when he was trying to get custody of Mattie...”

“And you said he’s helped you too. What’s wrong with letting him help you now?”

“It’s different!”

“Why is it different Sarah?”

“Because I need him!” she shouted. “Don’t you get it? Anybody could have helped with the rescues or language translation or finding him in the search or testified on his behalf. Anyone else could have rescued me from Sadik or helped Uncle Matt or even dried me out. But I need Harm! He doesn’t need me!”

“We all need people Sarah. We all are looking for someone special in our life.”

“But I don’t want to be a lost stray or an obsession he’s picked up. I want to be his equal. I want him to need me sometimes too...no one but me...” Mac burst into tears and covered her face with her hands.

Dr. James gave her a minute and looked over his notes. He looked around the room and saw the unopened letter on the table.

“Sarah, Harm asked me if he could write to you. Did he?”

“Yes...”

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know.”

“You haven’t read it?”

“No...I can’t handle it.”

“Why?” Dr, James saw her shrug and bury her face in her arms. “Would you like me to read it and tell you first if there is anything bad in there?”

“NO!”

“Alright. I won’t push it anymore for now. I think we can have this IV removed and I’d like to have you try sleeping tonight without a sedative.”

“Dr. James, when can I go home?”

“If you get through the night with no nightmares and no medication and you agree to work with me in these sessions at least once a day after you go home, I think we can release you tomorrow afternoon. I’d like one more session with you later today and at least two tomorrow.”

“Can I shower and dress after they take the IV out?”

“Yes...and you can walk around to the solarium if you’d like as well.”

“Thank you.”

“I know this is rough on you Sarah, but considering what you have been through in the last year, it’s not surprising that you had a little melt down. The good news is, you seem to be of sound mind and I expect a full recovery. It may take a little while for you to feel strong again, but it will happen.”

“Do you think I can salvage my career?”

“Yes. Is that what concerns you the most?”

“Yes...no...I don’t know.”

“Let me tell you what I think...I think that you were close to having a relationship with someone and out of fear you sabotaged it and now you want a second chance at it and you’re afraid that it can’t be salvaged. Am I close?”

Mac couldn’t look at him but she nodded her head.

“We’ll try to work through some of that while we are at it if you’d like. Get some rest. I’m sure you will have visitors this evening and I’d like to do one more session after they leave.” Quietly Dr. James returned the chart and took his file and notes with him and left. He sent the nurse in to remove the IV.

Some how he had to find a way for her to face Commander Harmon Rabb. Her complete recovery was tied to her dealing with her feelings about her partner and friend. He fully intended to talk to the Commander again himself. He needed to ascertain his position regarding their relationship before he could continue with the appropriate path of treatment for Sarah Mackenzie.

Chapter 8

1535 Local

JAG HQ

Harm’s Office

Harm looked up at the knock on his door to see Harriet standing there.

“Did you see her?” At her nod, “How was she?”

“I saw her. We talked a little. She’s better then yesterday when we took her.”

“Did she read my letter?”

“Not yet. I encouraged her to read it, but...umm...”

“What Harriet?”

“She got very agitated. She said she knows you want her to get well and that you want to see her...but she pleaded with me not to talk about you.”

“Thank you Harriet.”

“I’m sorry sir.”

“What do they have her doing?”

“Well, she said she slept for twelve hours after they brought her in and they have her on an IV and a sedative for dehydration and exhaustion. They have her on a schedule doing hour long sessions and then letting her rest , eat and have visitors before they do another session. She was having her third session today when I left.”

“Thank you Harriet for coming all the way back to fill me in. You could have called.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to talk about this on the phone. I just picked AJ up at pre-school and came over. He enjoys seeing his Dad at work.”

“Thank you.”

Harriet left Harm sitting at his desk. As she closed his door she heard the phone ringing.

“Rabb.”

“Commander, this is Dr. James. Do you have a minute that we could talk?”

“Yes. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. Sarah is doing quite well but I feel that I need to talk to you about some things. I feel that you are going to be a crucial element in her recovery. Could you stop by my office later today, perhaps around 1730?”

“I’ll be there. Dr. James, will she be able to make a full recovery?”

“I think so. We’ll talk in my office.” Dr, James disconnected the call and Harm sat listening to the dial tone.

He tried to work after that, but struggled to stay focused. He filled out some forms but forgot to save the information and had to start over. He gave up and called Mattie to let her know he’d be home late.

Finally it was time to meet with Dr. James. Harm arrived at his office ten minutes early. He paced in the waiting room until Dr. James came in and greeted him.

“Come in, Commander Rabb.”

“Please call me Harm.”

“Harm, I am fascinated by Sarah’s case. She is an unbelievable specimen of strength and endurance and yet there is a part of her that is very vulnerable. She is trying hard to protect that part of herself and the only way she knows how to do it is to build up walls or run. At work she can take control and wear her authority and professionalism like armor. Outside of work, she has nothing to draw on. I know you are familiar with her background. I also know that you are friends outside of work. That appears to have created some complications at times between you. Am I right?”

“I would say that is an understatement.”

“How would describe your relationship?”

“If I knew that doctor maybe I could figure out why we can’t seem to communicate with each other effectively.”

“Give it a try anyway. Do you have feelings for her outside of work?”

“Yes. I had considered her my best friend for years. I told her once that I would always love her. I resigned my commission to go after her in Paraguay when no one knew where she was. I was devastated when she told me that it would never work between us. It hurt to much to keep in contact and so I tried to cut her out of my life. I was sick of saying things that hurt her and so I decided I should stay away.

“When I returned to JAG several months later, it was difficult. I did lash out at her. I thought she was involved with another man. I stood by once and watched and it was killing me to do it again...but I couldn’t walk away. I need her in my life. If all she can give me is friendship, then I’ll take it...I would love a chance at having a life with her, marriage, children, everything...but every time I offered my friendship, she’d be busy.

“Then something started to change. She helped me get custody of Mattie, my ward. We included her in things with us and she started accepting dinner invitations and allowing me to get close again. We were just starting to rebuild that trust and friendship when she got called to deal with Sadik again. The stress seemed to build in her and I told her she could release some it with me if she wanted. I would listen if she wanted to talk. Sometimes she would get mad at me and pick a fight. Other times she would run. I even found her in tears and she just let me hold her. Each time she released some stress I thought it was helping. Then in court...”

“Do you love her?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever said, ‘Sarah Mackenzie I love you and need you in my life?’ in plain English?”

“No...”

“Why not?”

“I wasn’t sure how I felt at first and when I was she told me she was no longer interested in ‘us’ and didn’t think we would ever work.”

“So you gave up.”

“More or less...until recently.”

“Why?”

“I just felt that maybe she had thought things out and might be opened to at least talking about it again as a possibility.”

“Thank you Harm. I know this isn’t easy talking about your feelings with a stranger.”

“If it helps Mac get better...”

“Have you ever called her Sarah?”

“A few times...usually in very intense moments. Mac makes her my buddy...”

“And calling her Sarah ...?”

“It’s more intimate I guess. I don’t feel I have the right to call her Sarah...she introduced herself to me as Mac when we first met. We survive at JAG because I can keep her in the role of respected colleague and friend.”

“And calling her Sarah would make it seem like there was something more between you?”

“Yeah. It’s there...we’ve fought it for years. Now - I don’t know. I still feel it and at times I think she does too. I don’t want to do anything that will drive us apart again...we were just reestablishing our friendship when this happened.”

“Your insight will be helpful to me. I won’t share our conversation with Colonel Mackenzie, but I do think it is more important then ever that the two of you meet face to face so you can give her the support that you obviously have to give. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings for her and don’t run or shut down if she doesn’t express similar feelings right away. But don’t give up on her.”

“Thank you Doctor.”

Harm stood and shook his hand. He had hoped when he came here tonight that he would be able to see her for a few minutes before he left. That wasn’t to be. Harm left the hospital and headed home to fix dinner for Mattie and to think of a way he could get Mac to listen to what he wanted to say to her.

Flipping on the radio when he arrived at home he heard the song again that seemed to be following him lately. The words seemed to say everything that he wanted to say to Mac.

“Hey Harm!” Mattie greeted him as she came through the door. “What’s for dinner?”

“Stir-fry.”

“Chicken or tofu?” she asked wrinkling up her nose.

“Chicken. Hey Mattie, you know that gadget you got for Christmas that you record music on and then can listen to anytime?”

“Yeah...could you record a song and play it for Mac when you go see her tomorrow?”

“What song?”

“I think it’s called ‘I Wish’. It’s on the radio now,” Harm told her. Mattie listened.

“That’s on Jo Dee Messina’s Greatest Hits CD. I have that!”

“Great. Can you play it for Mac for me tomorrow? Tell her that the words say what I’m feeling and ask her to listen to it.”

“Sure...she still won’t see you?”

“No. Hey let’s eat.” Harm changed the subject and spent another enjoyable but quiet evening at home with Mattie, reading case files, checking her homework, and thinking about how much he wished Mac was here with them.

Same Time

Bethesda Medical Center

Sarah Mackenzie’s room

“What have you done Sarah?” asked Clayton Webb as he entered her room.

Mac looked up and inhaled sharply when she saw Clayton Webb enter her room. “Hello Clay. Why are you here?”

“To check on you. I arrived back in the office this afternoon and I was informed that you had a break down and were hospitalized. I wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay.”

“And that I was divulging any classified information, right?”

“You haven’t have you?”

“I don’t think so...”

“What have they asked you about our missions Sarah?”

“Nothing directly. They know the party line and that’s all.” Mac began to twist the hem of her sweater as Webb questioned her about what she had said about the mission. “Look, the only person I’ve spoke to is my doctor - Dr. James. Talk to him. I can’t do this right now.”

“I’m surprised it took you this long to crumble. Harm push you over the edge?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Putting pressure on you. Badgering you about one thing or another? Flaunting his hero-like activities every where he goes?” Clay went on with a sneer.

“Harm doesn’t do that...flaunt his heroics. He’s been very supportive.”

“And I haven’t?” asked Clay.

“You’ve changed, Clay. You use to be typical arrogant spook, but since Paraguay you are mean. That experience changed you. It changed me. I’m trying to deal with it. You should too.”

“I’ve dealt with it and I’m fine. I’ve recovered and am enjoying being back in the field.”

“Clayton, I can’t take this now. Please leave.”

“Fine, just remember that you can’t disclose our missions.”

“I know, Clay.” Mac sat huddled on her bed in a small ball. The room grew dark as night approached and slowly the feeling of being alone overwhelmed her. Once again the tears came and she began to rock to try to sooth herself. That’s where she was when Dr. James came in and found her.

“Sarah! What’s happened?” he called as he rushed to her side and turned on the low watt light near the bed. “Take a deep breath...hold it...exhale...inhale...hold...exhale...better?”

Mac nodded her head and looked up toward her doctor.

“Tell me what happened.”

“A man I had gone out with a few times - someone I’d been on missions with - came to see me. He wanted to be sure that I didn’t give away any classified information. He was more concerned with that then with me. He said he wasn’t surprised I crumbled, just that it took so long and he asked if Harm pushed me over the edge...He had no faith in me.”

“Do you have faith in yourself?”

“Sometimes...other times I feel like I’m so alone and I can’t do this without someone to help me and then I realize there is no one...”

“Sarah you have a lot of people ready to help you and that want to be with you. Why do you suppose they aren’t here right now?”

“Cause I pushed them away?”

“Could be...Who do you think would make you feel the most supportive in this process?”

“I don’t know.”

“Sarah, I think you do.”

“I can’t deal with facing him right now.”

“Why? Tell me why facing him is so hard.”

“I fell apart in court and couldn’t hold up my end of the assignment. I hit him and called him names and accused him of things I know are untrue. I hung on to him so that he couldn’t get rid of me until you gave me something to knock me out so I’d let go of him...”

“And you think he holds that against you?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve met Commander Harmon Rabb and I’ve read about him. He doesn’t strike me as the type to hold a grudge...he seems to want to help you and be here for you, how ever you need him to help you.”

“No...I can’t face him!”

“Alright Sarah, I won’t push anymore right now, but before you will be able to make a full recovery, you will have to deal with this situation.”

“Can I still go home tomorrow?”

“We’ll see how your night goes and how tomorrow’s sessions go. If all goes well, then yes you can go home. After you go home I will expect to see you once a day for individual therapy and once a week for group therapy.”

“Thank you.”

“Get some sleep, Sarah. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Chapter 9

0730 Local

North of Union Station

Harm’s Apartment

“Harm, I over slept this morning and I have a test so I can’t take this in to Mac. Jen said she’d go. Is that alright?” Mattie handed him the music player and a card with Mattie’s neat penmanship on it.

“What’s this?”

“The flyer inside the CD has the lyrics to all the songs. I copied them off so that Mac could look at them later if she wants.”

“Mattie, thank you. You go ahead. I’ll catch Jen and ask her to do this. Good luck on that test.”

“Thanks...I’ll need it. Can we go see Mac later?”

“Yes, of course.” Harm smiled as he watched the whirlwind teenager leave for school. He loved having her around.

Harm took the card and wrote on it. “I wish I could have written these words for you, but someone else did it better then I ever could have. Love, Harm.”

Jen knocked on his door as he reached for his cover.

“Good morning, Coates. Mattie said you were going to drop in on Mac this morning and you offered to play messenger for me.”

“Yes sir.”

“Thank you. I appreciate all you are doing to help me.”

“No more then what you’ve done to help me, sir.”

“Look, I know that she might refuse to take the note and read it, but if you could play the song for her...”

“It might at least get her attention.”

“Right. Thanks again Jen.”

Petty Officer Coates took the items and slipped them into her purse as she headed out on a mission.

Same Time

Bethesda Medical Center

Sarah Mackenzie’s Room

Mac had just showered and dressed after breakfast when Dr. James stopped in.

“I understand that you were a little restless but no nightmares last night and you slept most of the night.”

“Yes sir. And I ate breakfast, showered, dressed and packed already.”

“Planning on getting out of here today, huh?”

“Yes. I’m feeling better and although our sessions are exhausting, I know that they are helping.”

“How do you know that already?”

“I feel more at peace about most things. The sleep has helped a lot and talking about some of the things that I’ve faced this last year on top of what my life has been, has let me put things into perspective...”

“You usually have a visitor early, so I’ll get out of here so they can join you.”

“See you later, Dr. James.”

As he left he saw the young brunette Petty Officer go into her room.

“Good morning Ma’am.”

“Jennifer! I wasn’t expecting you. Thank you for coming in.”

“Well Ma’am, Mattie was going to come in but she had a test this morning and couldn’t make it. She’ll be in later probably.”

“I may be going home later today. May be she can come to my place. I’ll still want company.”

“I’ll suggest that Ma’am.”

“How are things at the office? Admiral Chegwidden still a bear?”

“He’s actually in a little better mood. He’s worried about you but doesn’t want you to worry about JAG.”

“How do you know that?”

“He said so Ma’am...not to me but I heard him say it. Ma’am I have a note for you from Commander Rabb.”

“Jen, please...I know he means well...but I’m not ready to deal with him yet.”

“Okay.” There was a pause and then Jen reached into her pocketbook, and took out the player. “You should hear this song. Mattie and I were listening to it last night. She was going to play it for you, but when she couldn’t come she asked me to play it for you. Want to hear it?”

“Sure...” She and Mattie often listened to songs together so this didn’t come as a surprise.

“She said to listen to the words.” Jen played the song and they listened to the clear strong voice of Jo Dee Messina fill the room (AN: See the words at the end of the chapter.).

Mac listened to the words and the tears began to form in her eyes as she listened to the sentiments of the song. They were so poignant and they touched Mac’s soul as she listened. When the last note faded, Jen stood.

“Ma’am, Commander Rabb asked us to play that song for you. He said that it says what he wants to say and can’t. The note I gave you - the words to the song are on it. I’m sorry I tricked you, but I think you should see him Ma’am.” With that, Jen quietly left the room and the tears fell freely from Sarah Mackenzie’s eyes.

Mac looked at the card she held in her hand and read Harm’s words before she read the words to the song that had touched her soul...the same way Harm had and would continue to do whether she wanted it or not.

I WISH (Tommy Lee James, Ed Hill)

Recorded by Jo Dee Messina on her Greatest Hits CD

It’s not easy saying this to you

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

But Boy before you go; I want you to know

I wish you strength; When times are hard

Oh I wish with all my heart you find what

You’re looking for; I wish you joy; I wish you peace

And that every star you see’s within your reach

And I wish you still loved me.

I wish things were different you know that

But still I’m happy for the time we had

You mean the world to me; Baby please believe

I wish you strength; When times are hard

Oh I wish with all my heart you find what

You’re looking for; I wish you joy; I wish you peace

And that every star you see’s within your reach

And I wish you still loved me.

Losing you is tearing me apart;

But a part of me will be with you

No matter where you are

I wish you strength; When times are hard

Oh I wish with all my heart you find what

You’re looking for; I wish you joy; I wish you peace

And that every star you see’s within your reach

And I wish you still loved me.

Chapter 10

1000 Local

Bethesda Medical Center

Sarah Mackenzie’s Room

“Good morning, Colonel Mackenzie. Dr. James asked me to bring you to his office this morning.”

“Thank you nurse.” Sarah Mackenzie stood up clutching a card and an envelope in her hand. Her eyes were a little red from the crying she did earlier, but she was composed and ready to deal with the hardest topic yet - her relationship with Harm.

They walked down the corridor to the elevator and took it down to the next floor and proceeded to Dr. James office. He was waiting for her.

“Come in Sarah. I understand you had a visitor after I left that brought you to tears. Shall we talk about it?”

“She brought a message from Harm.”

“Commander Rabb’s message had you in tears?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Jen, my visitor, tricked me into listening to a song. It really touched me and before she left she handed me this card with the words to the song and a note from Harm and said that she had tricked me so that I would get his message.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“At first I was a little angry at her, but I know she’s trying to help and she would have done the same for me if the situation was reversed and I was trying to get through to Harm. Now I appreciate what she was trying to do.”

“And what about Harm?”

“He said that the words to the song say what he wanted to say but better...he does have a way of sticking his foot in his mouth when he’s not in the court room.” Mac smiled a little.

“Is that the letter?”

“Yes. I want to read it but would you read it first?”

“You want me to read it to you?”

Mac nodded as she handed him the letter and prepared herself to hear what Harm had written.

“Dear Mac. Dr. James tells me you are not up to seeing me yet. All I can tell you is this doesn’t change a thing for me. I care about you and will stand by you no matter what.

Don’t waste time worrying about Sebring and Chegwidden. Captain Sebring knows there was a reason for you to be acting out of character and he wishes you a speedy recovery so that you can return to his court room. Chegwidden is also supporting you and is allowing staff to take time to see you when you are ready for company. Mac, thank you for wanting to see Mattie. She wanted us both to come see you but I told her that you weren’t ready to see me but asked for her. Thank you for loving her as I do. When you are ready I’ll be there. Get well soon Mac. Love, Harm.”

“What do you think?”

“I think I’ve been a fool and very unfair to him.”

“Why does it make you a fool for putting off something you didn’t feel you could handle?”

“Because it was Harm...whenever someone is in need he’s usually there for them.”

“You said before that he hasn’t always been there for you.”

“It was my own fault. I hid how much I needed him...if I had...” Mac broke off and rubbed her hand over her face. “If I had I might not be here now.”

“Why’s that?”

“He’s been worried about me for months and I kept putting up barriers. I would break down in front of him and then push away instead of letting him help me. Recently things were getting so bad that I couldn’t control it anymore. It controlled me...and I turned on Harm...the one person that would understand-or try to- and that could help me face the situation. He saw it coming and tried to get me to open up...I was too afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Letting him know how I really feel about him...I do still love him. I need him and I want him in my life- all of my life.”

“Are you still afraid to let him know that?”

“I think he already knows...maybe before I knew it.”

“Are you ready to see him?”

“I think so.”

“Do you want me to call him and have him come here before you are released? If it goes well, he could take you home.”

“I think I’d like that.”

“I’ll call him now and then we can talk about some other things until he gets here.” Mac waited while Dr. James made the call.

1020 Local

JAG HQ

Commander Rabb’s Office

“Rabb.”

“Commander, this is Dr. James.”

“Is it Mac?”

“Yes...but its good. She’s ready to see you now. As a matter of fact she’s here in my office and if you can get away, we thought you could talk here. She may be ready to go home afterward...if you’d like to drive her.”

Harm scanned his calendar. “I think I can make it. I’ll have to clear it with the Admiral, but I think he’ll be okay with this.” Harm couldn’t hide his smile.

“Come to my office.”

Harm hung up the phone and secured his office while buzzing Jen to see if the Admiral could see him.

“I check sir.”

“I’m on my way.”

“He said to go right in, sir.”

Harm announced himself and then turned to the Admiral, “Sir, Colonel Mackenzie has asked to see me and they may be letting her go home.”

“Then don’t stand around here. Go get her Rabb. Dismissed.”

“Aye, aye sir,” Harm saluted and turned on his heel. He looked at Jen, “I don’t know how you did it or what you said, but it worked. Thank you.”

“I’m glad sir. I’ll tell you and Mattie both later.”

Harm nodded and then hurried to his car and to the hospital where he was finally going to see for himself that Mac was better.

His knock on Dr. James’ door was answered by the doctor. “She’s waiting for you. Remember you have got to be honest with your answers and don’t push her for hers.”

“Thank you.” He stepped into the room and Mac stood facing him. He took a couple of steps and opened his arms. Mac met him in the middle of the room and he just held her. He rested his face against her hair. After a few minutes he felt her stir and he looked down as she looked up at him.

“We need to talk.”

“Okay...can I hold you while we talk?”

“Harm, I’d like to have you hold me, but I think we need to let go of each other for awhile until we do talk.”

“I guess that can be our reward huh?”

Mac almost giggled at his suggestion, but found she felt the same way. “Harm I’m sorry I shut you out. Again you were there for me but I couldn’t face you after the way I acted and the things I said to you.”

Harm sat down in one of the chairs while Mac paced in the small space. “Mac I know that you didn’t mean all you were saying. You were hurting and confused and I didn’t know what to do to help. I’m sure I just made you angrier.”

“But you tried to help. I wouldn’t let you. I was afraid you’d find out a secret I’ve been keeping and then it would ruin things.”

“A secret?”

“Yeah...Harm, the words to the song you wanted me to hear end with the words, ‘I wish you still loved me.’ You and I promised each other once that we would always have someone that loved the other, but I thought you didn’t feel that way about me anymore, so I didn’t want you to know how much I love you and need you.”

“You do?”

“Yes.” Mac nodded and smiled as she took a deep breath and slowly released it.

“Mac?”

“Yes, Harm.”

“I love you too.”

“And do you want me and need me as well?”

“Oh yeah...I need you way more then you need me probably.”

“I’m going to need you a lot for awhile I think. I have a lot to deal with. I need to relearn how to handle pressure. I also need to learn how to handle my personal life without running or fighting. Think you can help me with that?”

“Yes...and I may learn some things along the way as well. There are some things I have to work on too. Mac?”

“Yes, Harm?”

“I know some times I’m over protective...it doesn’t mean I think you can’t handle something, its just one way I can show people how much I care about them.”

“I know...well, I’m learning.” Mac smiled and walked closer to him. She slid her arms around his shoulders and leaned her face against his head this time. “And sometimes I want to protect you, too.”

“You do Mac...you do.”

“Harm, what I said in Paraguay about us never working out...I’m sorry. I was trying to hide my feelings which I didn’t think you returned and so I thought I’d set you free...”

“‘If you love something, set it free, If it comes back to you, it was meant to be?’ Is that what you are saying?”

“I guess in a way that what I was trying to do.”

“I’m back Mac...”

“Me too...well almost.”

“You will be soon.”

“Harm, will you take me home?”

“I’d be honored.”

They opened the door and Dr. James was waiting for them.

“You look like things went okay.”

“Can I go home now?” asked Mac.

“Yes.”

“When can I go back to work?”

“Doing what?”

“Reading files, doing research, scheduling staff...”

“Light duty tomorrow - but there are conditions.”

“I know daily sessions with you and group therapy once a week.”

“...And you eat regularly and sleep at least six hours at night. Less then six hours then you stay home and take a two hour nap before you go in. You need your sleep in order to cope.”

“Yes sir.”

“No arguments?”

“Not worth it...I have to save my energy for other things.” Mac laughed as she reached for Harm’s hand.

“Commander Rabb, I am sure we will be seeing each other. Please call if I can help in any way.”

“Thank you.” Harm and Dr. James shook hands.

“Mac, I’ll see you tomorrow at 1430?”

“Yes...I’ll be here.”

Hand in hand Harm and Mac retrieved her bag from her room, checked out at the nurses’ station and left the hospital behind. They were forced to let go of each other as they got in to Harm’s SUV and headed for Georgetown.

Harm parked the car in front of Mac’s building and they got out and rejoined hands as they walked up the walk-way.

Mac opened her door and Harm took her bag into her bedroom for her. He returned to find her standing in her living room looking around. He stepped up behind her and slid his arms around her and pulled her back against him as he held her loosely. He lowered his face so he could whisper in her ear.

“I could hold you for hours.”

“Okay...”

“Mac?”

“Yes?”

“We’re avoiding one aspect of ‘us’ - I don’t want to rush you, but I don’t want you to have any doubts either...I want you.” His voice was husky and low as he whispered that admission in her ear.

Mac gasped, but covered his hands with her own and leaned back against him even more. He was right, it was too soon for them to take that step, but she was glad he told her. Doubts were often her undoing, so setting them aside had become a priority for her.

“Harm can you hold me for a little while before you leave?”

“Is that what you want?”

“Yes...I’ll probably take a nap and then get up to fix some supper. Can you bring Mattie over later for supper?”

“Are you up to entertaining?”

“Harm, it will be a quiet dinner with family...I have to cook anyway. It will be good for me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Have Mattie bring her homework and you can bring some files to read if you want. I just want to have you here for while but if you have work or something, bring it with you, okay?”

“Okay...couch?”

“Would you mind laying on my bed with me?”

“If that’s what you want, you’ve got it. I’ll just take my jacket off so it doesn’t get wrinkled.”

“What about your pants?”

“Mac!”

“Okay, but don’t complain if you get wrinkled.”

Mac slipped into her nightgown in the bathroom, and when she came out she saw Harm’s uniform hanging on her closet door and his shirt and tie on the chair.

He lifted the covers and she slid in next to him. He had stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers. She slid her arm over his waist and rested her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and in less then fifteen minutes he could tell she was asleep.

Carefully he eased out of bed, and watched her shift as she settled deeper into her bed and into sleep. Harm leaned over and placed a kiss on her temple. Quickly and quietly he dressed and let himself out of her apartment.

1840 Local

Mac’s apartment

Georgetown

Mattie and Harm waited at the door. They had chuckled all the way over after hearing Jen explain how she had gotten Mac to listen to the song. Now they were both anxiously waiting for Mac to acknowledge their knock. They exchanged looks and then Harm pounded the casing again. When they still did not hear a response, Harm took out his key and opened the door, telling Mattie to wait there.

Harm eased into the apartment. He could spell dinner cooking so he headed for the kitchen. She wasn’t there, so he headed for the bedroom. Still no sign of her. He knocked on the bathroom door and quietly opened it...nothing. His panic was beginning to rise and he was struggling to stay calm for Mattie.

“Where is she Harm?” asked Mattie. Just then a sound behind her drew her attention, “Mac!”

“Hi guys! Sorry I’m late...”

“Mac, where were you? You okay?” Harm rushed to her side and took the bag she was carrying out of her arms.

“I’m fine. I realized I needed a few things at the store to round out the meal so I ran to the store. I thought I’d be back before you got here.” Mac realized as she felt Harm standing close to her that his heart was racing and his knees shaking. It dawned on her then that they really were frightened.

“I guess I should have left a note. I’m sorry.” She opened her arms and invited them into a group hug. “I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me every second...but I didn’t intend to scare you.”

“It’s okay, Mac...we only were worried because we care.”

“I know Mattie. I’m new to this family stuff. You may have to help me over some of the hurdles, okay?”

“Glad to...now lesson one...let me - the kid - help set the table while you - the woman - sooth Harm - the man- so he doesn’t go into cardiac arrest!”

“Thanks Mattie...we’ll be right back.” Mac took Harm ‘s hand and led him into the living room. When they were seated she cupped her hand against his face and leaned her forehead against his. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“I know...you didn’t mean to...I think I have some healing to do as well. I’ll try not to over react every time you aren’t where I think you are suppose to be.”

“And I will try to leave notes or call you on the cell phone, okay?”

“Yes.”

Mac stood up and pulled Harm with her. Dinner was ready and they felt like a family, eating together, doing the dishes and then doing their ‘homework.’ Mattie worked on the table, while Mac and Harm reviewed cases while sitting on the couch.

At 2130 Harm and Mattie picked up their things to go. Mattie asked Harm if she could go start the car and he tossed her the keys. Mac walked Harm to the door and held up her arms. He stepped close and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“Can I kiss you good night?”

“I’d like that...”

“Mac, if you need to talk during the night, call me.”

“I will. Harm...I thought you were going to kiss me.”

“Oh yeah...” he lowered his head and his lips touched hers, lightly at first. He deepened the kiss for just a second before he pulled back and kissed her forehead and whispered, “‘Night Mac...I love you.”

“Love you too,” he heard her say as he closed the door and left to take Mattie home.

Chapter 11

Saturday Morning

Four Weeks Later

North of Union Station

Harm’s Apartment

Harm and Mac were laughing as they collapsed on the stools at the island. Mattie handed them their water glasses, having gotten them ready when she heard them coming up the stairs after their run.

“Thanks Mattie,” Harm gasped as he took a long drink of the refreshing water.

“How you guys can enjoy getting all hot, sweaty and tired on purpose is beyond me!” Mattie laughed as she rested her chin on her hands while her elbows were propped on the counter.

“It feels good when you stop,” laughed Mac as she set her glass down. “Besides, Mattie, if you want to enjoy food the way I do you have to make some sacrifice - for me the pay offs I get from running are greater then giving up foods I enjoy.”

“What ever...” Mattie rolled her eyes at her guardian and Mac as she pushed herself away from the counter. “Mac, if you want to shower at my place you can. Jen is gone for the day and I’m headed for the library to do some work and then to the mall with some friends. I’ll be back around five - is that okay Harm?”

“Isn’t tonight the night you are baby sitting for the Roberts’ kids?”

“Yes. Bud said he’d pick me up about six.”

“Sounds good. I’ll have dinner ready with that in mind.”

Mattie kissed both Mac and Harm on the cheek as she went by on her way out the door.

Harm looked at Mac and wiggled his eye brows.

“What are you thinking, Squid?” Mac laughed as he gave her a leering look.

“Nothing...just wondered if you were going to take Mattie up on her offer of a shower or you wanted to use mine.” Harm grinned at her - the one where his tongue peeked between his teeth.

Mac’s voice dropped to a seductive drawl as she asked, “Alone or with company?”

Harm gulped as their flirtatious comments started to take on a different tone. In the four weeks since she had been released from the hospital, Mac had attended daily sessions at first but had tapered off to weekly sessions of individual therapy and once a week support groups for PTSD which Harm attended as well. They both found them valuable in dealing with their personal issues and with each other.

They had been growing closer and learning to enjoy their friendship and the possibilities for more in their future. Since having informed her that he wanted her, Harm had not gone beyond kissing her good-night at the door when they parted. Sometimes they held hands and they often sat wrapped in each others arms in the evening. After one intense therapy session Mac had again asked Harm to hold her and she had slept the night in his arms in his bed.

They both knew when the time was right they would take the next step. Last week they had started running together again. It had started by accident when they met in the park and finished their run together. They had ended up at Harm’s and after showering at Mattie’s and borrowing some clothes they had lounged together over brunch and for the rest of the day. They decided to run together after work two evenings a week and then started arranging their schedules so they could run together. On the weekend they took at least one long run.

Harm stood there looking at Mac trying to read her face and make sure he wasn’t reading his own desire into her words. Running with Mac was sweet torture. He liked being with her and sharing the run, but he also liked to watch her body perform. He found himself getting an extra workout with their runs - controlling his growing desire for her.

“So what do you say, Sailor? Are you included in the offer of your shower?”

“Mac, are we ready for that?”

“A shower? Definitely.”

“A shower together is not going to stop there you know.”

“Where is it going, Harm? Tell me.” Mac stepped closer to Harm and placed the palms of her hands against his sweaty chest and damp tank top. She could feel his heart racing and his chest move as he gulped in air. ‘Where, Harm?”

“To my bed...”

“Good idea...I probably could handle a nap,” Mac smirked as she pushed off his body and walked away taking the steps into his bedroom and heading for the bathroom.

Harm groaned and rolled his eyes hesitating about following her. As Mac stepped down into his bathroom she realized he had stopped following her and she called to him, “Harm?”

“Yeah, Mac?”

“Are you joining me?”

Harm followed her to the bathroom stripping off his tank top as he went. Mac was standing in the shower waiting for him when he got there. He removed the rest of his sweaty running clothes and stepped in with her. He had grabbed an extra wash cloth on his way and reached for the soap. Lathering the wash cloth he began washing her back enjoying the way her creamy smooth skin glided under his hands.

Mac then grabbed the shampoo and began lathering her hair. Harm helped her to rinse it and then quickly shampooed his own hair. When he turned to rinse it, Mac began washing his back as he had washed hers. The textured of the cloth sliding over his back felt great. Mac seemed to hesitate for a second and when she continued, he realized that is was her bare hand sliding across his six. His body reacted immediately and he groaned, “Mac...”

He felt her arms slide around his waist and felt her breasts press against his back while her lips touched his shoulders. Quickly he turned in her arms and wrapped his arms around her, drawing him closer. He lowered his head to hers as he kissed her. Lightly at first then with the growing passion they both felt. She returned kiss for kiss. Somehow they made it to his bed. After making love, they had fallen asleep.

Harm woke first and looked down on the woman asleep in his arms. She looked happy he realized. There was a smile on her face to match the one he wore. Although there were times that Mac still seemed fragile and unsure of herself, she had not shown any signs of that while they had made love. She was bold and confident -comfortable giving as well as taking. He had never experienced as an intense interlude as they had shared. Harm knew that if he had any lingering doubts about whether they could make it work, they were gone now. He belonged to her and only her.

Mac stretched and opened her eyes to see the clear green eyes of Harmon Rabb Junior smiling into hers. “How long did I sleep?”

“About an hour I guess...internal clock fuzzy?”

“A little maybe. Did you sleep?”

“Yes. I woke up about five minutes ago. Need another shower?”

“Yes...but I think we’d better take solos this time.” Mac smiled as she sat up in bed.

“Go ahead...I’ll wait...” Harm offered.

Mac rinsed off in the shower and came out wrapped in a towel, sitting on the edge of the bed and leaned over to kiss Harm.

“Wow! That was weird.”

“My kiss?”

“No - yes - Mac, remember a few years ago I hit my head in the Admiral’s office?”

“Yes.”

“Well I kept having visions of you doing things you didn’t normally do.”

“Like what?”

“Coming out of my shower wrapped in a towel - that towel,” he indicated the bluish gray one she had wrapped around her body. “You sat right there on the bed and leaned in and kissed me...”

“What else?”

“Nothing.”

“Harm, you’re blushing! What else was in your vision?”

“You said something like, ‘A girl can’t get too much of a good thing,’ or something before you sat on the bed and kissed me.”

“There’s still something you aren’t telling me, isn’t there?”

“I called Renee, Mac, that time. She wasn’t real happy with me.”

Mac smiled despite herself. “I can imagine. That was when you called me ‘Sweet thing’ too.”

“I don’t know where that came from. I’ve never called anyone sweet thing.”

“When we are alone, I don’t care...but in public you’d better stick to Mac or Sarah...I might even let you get away with ‘dear’ or ‘honey’ sometimes...”

“I’ll try to remember that. Okay, my turn to shower and dress. Then I think we should do some errands and decide on dinner.”

Harm had just finished dressing when the phone rang. It was the realtor he had talked to about finding a suitable house for him and Mattie. Now that house would need to be suitable for Mac as well. He had two houses for them to look at today. They would need to meet at the first one in an hour.

“Mac, that was the realtor. I had him looking for two bedroom houses around Falls Church when Mattie came to live with me. He’s found a couple that he thought I should look at. Come with me?”

“What about Mattie? I’ll call her on the cell phone and we can pick her up on the way. Please?” Harm gave her his best little boy look and pleading tone.

Mac laughed. “Well you did say you intended to marry me so I guess I should go...but maybe we should be looking at three bedroom houses if we are going to add to the family.”

“Well, one of them actually has a third bedroom he said. Let’s check them out.” Harm called Mattie and apologized for interrupting her plans. She was excited about looking at houses so she didn’t mind too much. She had just left the library when he called, so they agreed to pick her up there.”

1300 Local

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm located the address the realtor had given him. The house was a well kept small cape with a white picket fence that looked like it had been transplanted from somewhere in New England. The three of them exchanged doubtful looks as they got out of the car and moved toward the front door.

“Mr. and Mrs. Rabb, how nice to meet you. Come in.” Harm and Mac exchanged grins but didn’t correct Mr. Jenkins. “You must be Mattie?” the realtor asked as Mattie passed him.

“That’s me.”

It didn’t take long for them to tour the small cape house. With Harm’s height the inside seemed even smaller then it was. The downstairs had a kitchen with room for a table, a living room and either a small den or dining room with a half bath. The basement wasn’t finished. The staircase leading upstairs was opposite the door and at the top of the stairs was a full bathroom with a bedroom and a closet on each side. There was one dormer window in each room and the roof slanted on the other side. It was so low that Mac and Mattie could not stand up straight. Harm was almost doubled over.

Harm turned to Mr. Jenkins, “I’m sorry this is not what I had in mind. You said there was another house with maybe three bedrooms?”

“Yes, it’s just four houses further down the street - opposite side of the road.”

Harm. Mac and Mattie left Mr. Jenkins to check out the other house while he closed up the little cape. The second house was a colonial design, much newer with an attached garage with two bays. It was done in a colonial blue color with cream trim. The front yard circled to the back of the house. The drive way had two exits onto the street so cars could pull in and drive out without turning around. Mr. Jenkins pulled up behind them while they were still sitting there speechless.

As they got out Mr. Jenkins started telling them about the house. It was only five years old. It was actually built on two lots and was at the end of the street giving it more space and privacy then many of the newer homes. They followed him into the entry way between the garage and house.

“Shall we look at the garage first?” Harm and Mac nodded and he opened the door into the garage. “Upstairs there is an efficiency apartment...”

“Mattie where you going?” Harm called.

“To check out the apartment!”

“That’s fine,” said Mr. Jenkins, adding, “We’ll join her in a moment. As you can see this garage is deeper then most which allows for more then two cars the bays would indicate. There is also a storage closet under the stairs and a workbench.”

Harm and Mac looked around and nodded all the time heading up the stairs to see what Mattie had found. She met them at the top of the stairs with a big smile and her eyes shining.

“No, Mattie you will live in the house with us,” Harm informed her thinking she wanted to live in the apartment.

“I know that Harm...but it would be perfect for Jen.”

Mattie was right. The spacious apartment above the garage had one large room with one section made into a kitchenette. One door was a pantry or closet and the other door went into a bedroom with its own closet and full bathroom.

“She’s right Harm.” Mac smiled and hugged Mattie.

“Let’s see the rest of the place first before we decide.” Harm was being sensible and fatherly and Mac thought it was cute.

They went back down the stairs and through the entry way into the kitchen. A bench was to one side of the door next to a closet for collecting boots and coats. The other side had space for a freezer between the door and the broom closet. Further into the kitchen they found a set up similar to what Harm had in his loft including the cook island. There was room for a table or booth in one corner. There were two wall ovens and a dishwasher.

From the cheery cream and coral colored kitchen with cream colored appliances they moved into the dining room with its large window. This room had been painted in cream like the kitchen with coral highlights along with touches of a soft light loden green. A chair rail was painted in cream as well. Off the dining room was a long living room that could be divided into multi-purpose spaces or one large room. This room was in the same soft green color found scattered in the dining area. Again the room was trimmed in a cream color. There were french doors that opened on to a deck and patio area.

The living room also had a doorway into a hall and entry way where the front door opened. Opposite the dining area, was a den, bathroom and the stairs to the basement and to the bedrooms. Various shades or green, coral and cream were in each room. Up stairs the color scheme changed. There were three bedrooms upstairs. The first was in various shades of purple from dark to light. The next one was in off white, almost as if it had never been decorated. Between the two rooms was a bathroom in white and yellow. That also had a hook up for the washer and dryer.

Beyond that was the master bedroom with it’s own bathroom and walk in closet area. The rooms had been painted a soft periwinkle blue with a slightly darker shade of trim.

“As you can see this house is ready to be moved into. You could always re-decorate any rooms if you didn’t like the color schemes, but it was decorated only six weeks before they put it on the market.”

“Why are they selling?”

“Military family. Thought they would be stationed here much longer and when things got hot overseas they were both shipped out and the kids went to live with the grandparents,” Jenkins informed them, not realizing he was talking to another military family.

“Harm?”

“What Mattie?”

“Will you and Mac get shipped out?”

“Not very likely. We may have to go for a short time, but one of us would probably be home and then you’d have Jen too.” Harm tried to relieve her of her worry. “Try not to worry about it, okay? I promised you that you’d never have to be alone again and I meant it.” He gave her a hug and kissed the top of her head.

Mac had watched him do this with Mattie several times. She enjoyed seeing him in ‘father mode’. She stood with them, rubbing Mattie’s back and resting her other hand on Harm’s back.

Harm looked at Mac, “What do you think about this house?”

“It’s beautiful...the size of it probably means it has a big price tag as well.”

“Mr. Jenkins, what are they asking?” Harm asked as they began moving back downstairs. Mr. Jenkins quoted him their asking price and added, “They are entertaining offers.”

“Mr. Jenkins I think we need to talk this over before we make a decision. Do you have other homes maybe less grand with three bedrooms that we could see in this area?”

“Yes. One I can show you right now. It will probably look shabby after seeing this one, but it is a good solid home.”

“Thank you. Let’s take a look.” Harm led the way back to the SUV. Once inside he turned to Mac and Mattie. “Look, I know you liked the house. It was beautiful but with what they are asking, I don’t think it’s possible with what I can offer. We’ll check out this third place and then talk about it, okay?”

“Sure, Harm.” Mattie answered her voice showing her disappointment.

“It’s probably a good idea...Harm, I had a feeling you were kind of interested in a fixer upper...maybe because of the work you did in your loft. Am I right?” Mac asked reaching to place her hand on his leg.

“I don’t want something falling around my ears, no. But something I could make better or freshen up does have a certain appeal.”

“Then I think we should look until we find something like that.”

They followed Mr. Jenkins back to the end of the street past the first house and turned left. Two streets down they turned right and at the end of the street was a brick house with a side porch, fenced in yard, stand alone garage for two cars and a storage shed. Mac saw Harm’s eyes light up.

Together they followed Mr. Jenkins into the house. The porch was solid but nothing fancy. They entered in to the kitchen which was open to a dining room on one side and a living room on the other. Off the living room was a bedroom and a bathroom. There was also a set of stairs going up to three bedrooms and bathroom. The bathroom was large and could be entered from the master bedroom or the hall.

“The owners had new energy efficient windows installed two years ago. The roof was new this year,” explained Jenkins. “The interior needs some sprucing up but it is solid and has been well maintained.”

“Looks like its been around awhile,” commented Harm. “Historical connections?”

“Not that we know of. It was built around 1925 and stayed in the same family until now.”

“Wow, that’s quite a legacy,” Mac exclaimed.

They continued their tour around the grounds, the shed and the garage. Mr. Jenkins returned to his car to get some information. While he was gone they conferred.

“What do you think?”

“It’s okay.” Harm knew that Mattie was less then enthusiastic.

“Mac?”

“I like it...it has history, stability, and lots of potential. I think you should make an offer.”

“Mattie, I know you are disappointed, but we can have fun redecorating and fixing it up to fix us. Can you live with that?”

“Yes...Mac?”

“Yes?”

“Are you coming to live with us?”

“Are you okay with that?”

“Well, yeah! Can we decorate my room together?”

“Of course.”

“Okay Harm, let’s do it!” Mattie announced as they all laughed.

2228 Local

North of Union Station

Harm’s Apartment

Harm and Mac were laying I bed, holding each other and talking about the day. “Mattie took our new status pretty well,” Harm commented.

“Mmm...Harm?”

“Yeah?” He dropped a kiss on her hair.

“What is our new status?” Mac asked as she raised up on one elbow to look at him.

“I see what you mean...”

“Do you? Am I being silly?”

“No, Mac. You’re right...it’s time we cleared this situation up. Do you have any doubt left that I love you?”

“No.”

“Do you feel like we can make it work together?”

“Yes.”

“Do you still want to be the mother of my children?” Harm asked still serious but with a gentle smile on his face.

“Yes.” Mac smiled back.

“Then I think I have a solution...” Harm reached into his night stand and took out a small worn velvet box. He opened it and took the ring out as he reached for her left hand. Slipping the ring he held on to the ring finger of her left hand he asked, “Will you marry me?”

Harm saw her face light up as she smiled.

“Even though I still have issues to work on?”

“Yes.”

“Even though sometimes I can be a bitch?”

“Yes...”

“Even though one or both of us may have to give up part of our assignments at JAG?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll marry you.”

Harm slipped the ring into place, the one that his father had given his mother. He drew Sarah Mackenzie into his arms and whispered into her mouth just before his lips took hers, “I love you, Sarah.”

At that moment they both knew that not only had they salvaged the remnants of their friendship, but they had salvaged their own lives as well.

THE END

EPILOGUE

One Year Later

Rabb Residence

Falls Church, Virginia

“Mac! Mattie! I’m home! Where are you guys?” Harm tossed his cover on the table in the entry way and looked out back. No one was there. He headed up the stairs and calling as he went. Setting his things in the bedroom he quickly changed out of his uniform and into his favorite worn jeans and t-shirt. Barefoot he headed for the kitchen to see if there was a note. Sure enough it was there in Mac’s beautiful script.

“Hey Sailor, if you get home before we get back get comfortable and relax. We’ll smother you with love and kisses when we get home. Love, Mac and Mattie.” Harm smiled as he put the note in his pocket and looked around their home. He had really enjoyed fixing it up and making it reflect their personalities.

They had bought it and moved in six weeks later. Little by little they tackled each room as a family project. With each room they finished, Mac got stronger and more self-assured. He had learned to cope with his own demons better with her help and the group sessions they attended together.

About once a month Dr. James would have him join them for the last twenty minutes of the session. His feedback was important in helping Harm to support Mac while not smothering her. After one session they had gone out for dinner and Harm asked Mac if she had thought anymore about a wedding date.

“Harm, would it be selfish of me to want a quiet ceremony in our backyard with just a few of our closet friends and family?”

“Is that what you want?”

“Yes. Chloe, Mattie, Harriet and Bud, Jen, your mother and Frank and your grandmother if she can make it. Maybe Keeter and Sturgis?”

“What about the Admiral?”

“If he’ll come. I’m not sure he will want to.”

“If that’s what you want, that’s what we’ll do. Where would you like to go on our honeymoon?”

“I’ll leave that up to you...but let’s only go for a few days. I like being home.”

“Okay. Now a date?”

“Memorial Day.”

“Let’s do it.”

And they had. Chaplain Turner had married them in the backyard. Mac had worn a simple long white dress with white sandals. Harm had worn his dress whites for the ceremony and for some pictures and then had changed into white jeans and a red shirt for the barbeque.

After most of the guests left they had driven into the mountains for a few days at a lakeside cabin. Jen had stayed with Chloe and Mattie and the house.

Admiral Chegwidden had moved Mac to Judicial with the agreement that she could be loaned to JAG if they needed her. Harm took over as Chief of Staff.

Harm heard a car pull in and went to greet Mac and Mattie at the door.

“Harm!” Mattie ran up the stairs and hugged him. “That was the longest month I have endured,” she exclaimed. “I’m glad you don’t go away very often.”

“Every thing okay with you and Mac?”

“Of course...we just missed you, silly.” Mattie danced back to the car to take the pizza from Mac and a couple of bags. “I got it.”

“Thanks Mattie. Hey, Sailor...”

Harm took Mac into his arms and she wrapped her arms around his waist and hung on tight as their lips met. Silently they told each other of the love they felt and how good it was to be together again.

“I’ve missed you, Sarah.”

“I’ve missed you too. We’ve got so much to tell you.”

“Like what?”

Arm in arm they talked as they headed into the house. “Well, Mattie got a letter inviting her to a summer program at Annapolis this year for potential candidates with a recommendation from Secretary Sheffield for her to be accepted when she graduates high school. I probably should have let you tell her but I couldn’t wait...”

“I’ll act surprised... What else?”

“Jen’s started college full time and is only available at JAG part time now.”

“Good for her. Was I only gone a month?” Harm asked amazed at all the big news.

“Yes...but a lot has happened and I really, really missed you.” Mac turned into his arms and held on tight again. Harm looked down at her as he lifted her face his kiss.

“Mac, is everything okay? Are you okay?”

She smiled then and her face lit up as she reassured him, “I’m fine. I didn’t make a big dinner because I wasn’t sure exactly when you’d get home. Do you mind pizza for your first night back?”

“It’s great.”

They joined Mattie in the kitchen who had poured the drinks and set out napkins and plates for pizza night.

After dinner Mattie had brought the letter to Harm about her acceptance at the naval academy. He praised her for her hard work and dedication and hugging her tight he told how proud he was of her. Later she headed to her room to work on her homework.

Mac had cuddled into his arms on the couch. He loved being able to hold her and just be relaxed as they talked about all the news from JAG. He told her about his trip as he visited each of the JAG’s aboard ship around the globe to review cases and update their policy manuals. This was a new aspect of his role as Chief of Staff. Once a year he would make his rounds and make sure each office was evaluated and updated.

While they talked, Harm got a feeling that Mac wasn’t telling him something. He had tried to give her time and space to tell him what was on her mind without pressure from him, but he decided he needed to give her a nudge.

“Mac, you remember when I told you I could always tell when you were keeping something from me?”

“Yeah,” Mac tried to hide her smile.

“Your lip is doing that funny thing it does, you know.”

“Oh, yeah, there was something I was going to tell you...Daddy.” Mac looked him full in the face and smiled as she watched him process what she had said.

“Mac, are you telling me we’re going to have a baby?”

“Yes...”

“Are you okay? When? Have you seen a doctor?”

Mac laughed. “Relax Harm...I’m fine. I saw the doctor yesterday. She says I’m about seven weeks along and everything looks great so far. She started me on pre-natal vitamins. No morning sickness yet, but she said it could hit anytime or not. Harm, I take it you’re not upset or disappointed by the news?”

“Thank you...for loving me...marrying me and having our baby,” Harm whispered as he pulled her into his arms and held her close. “Would you mind an early night? I want to make love to my pregnant wife...slowly...carefully...and with all the love I have.”

Together they walked upstairs and became reacquainted after a month apart.

Seven Months Later

Bethesda Medical Center

Birthing Center

“Come on Mac...you can do this.”

“No...I’m so tired. I’ve got to rest...please Harm let me rest. Just a few minutes? Please?” Mac pleaded and Harm looked to the doctor who glanced up and shook her head no.

“You’re almost there Sarah. Next contraction Harm’s going to slide in behind you and lift you so you can put all your energy into pushing this baby out. Get ready,” instructed the doctor.

Harm slid in behind her and wrapped his arms around her in the way she liked to be held. “You can do this Sarah. Come on Marine...we’ll do this together...push, Honey...” Harm coached, cajoled, commanded and comforted Sarah as with one last mighty push, their first child was born.

The doctor set the baby on Mac’s stomach and announced, “You have a boy! Would you like to cut the cord, Dad?” Harm reached around and took the scissors, cutting where he was instructed.

The nurses took their son to clean him, weigh him and check him over. Mac and Harm held to each other and let the tears of happiness and exhaustion flow. Harm kissed Mac’s hair, face and lips whispering his appreciations over and over again.

Two hours later

Mac’s Hospital Room

Mac had slept for over an hour after she had returned to the room. Harm had wandered back and forth between the nursery so he could see his son and be with Mac when she woke up. He wanted to wait to call people until she could call too. The nurse had informed him that they would be bringing the baby in as soon as Mac woke up. When he returned to the room, Mac was stirring. She opened her eyes and smiled.

“Harm?”

“Right here Mac.”

“The baby?”

“They’ll be bringing him to us in a few minutes. He has your dark hair and they said he has brown eyes...your looks, Mac.”

“You really keep your promises don’t you Flyboy?”

“If I can. What did you decide on a name?” They had made two pacts when they knew she was pregnant. They wanted to be surprised about the sex and when they couldn’t decide on names they agreed Mac would choose the name if it was a boy; Harm would choose if it was a girl.

“I know you had mixed feelings about having a name sake so I think I came up with a suitable alternative...what do you think of Riley Mackenzie Rabb?”

“I like it. How did you come up with Riley?”

“Your mother’s maiden name was Riley.”

“Riley Rabb...it works.” Just then the nurse entered and placed eight pound twelve ounce, 23 inch Riley in his mother’s arms.

“You can try nursing when you are ready. Don’t worry if he doesn’t take it right away. Sometimes it takes a few tries. Ring if you need anything.” The nurse left them together then.

“What can I do to help, Mac?”

Mac freed her breast and smiled at Harm. “Wish us luck.” Gently she introduced their son to her breast. He took it immediately and Mac winced a little at the unexpected discomfort. She eased a little more of her nipple into his mouth and found it more comfortable. She watched her son a minute and then looked at his father and smile, “Like father, like son.”

Harm blushed. He had been fascinated with Mac’s breasts since the first time they had made love. It had continued and increased during her pregnancy. Watching their son nurse at her beautiful breasts gave him a feeling of contentment and pride.

“Harm, have you called anyone yet?”

“No...it’s still early and I didn’t want to wake Mattie and it’s the middle of the night in California.”

“Harm...call them!”

And he did. With joy and pride he called all the people that had attended their wedding to announce the birth of Riley Mackenzie Rabb.

Three years later Riley would be joined by a sister with light brown hair and green-blue eyes, a daughter that looked like him. They would name her Patricia Grace Rabb. Harmon Rabb Junior had fulfilled his promise. He was free to live, love and enjoy life with the family they had salvage from the friendship that wouldn’t die.

The End