Title: Take the Road
Author: Hollyjp
Summary: When Harm decides he can’t take it anymore, he looks carefully at the road not taken and decides to see if Mac thinks she’ll ever be ready.
Rating: PG-13 for some intimate details but most sexual situations implied not graphically stated. (It will be in the readers mind as to how hot and steamy the scenes are).
Spoilers: Any episode or spoiler up through Season 9 may be referenced. A lot from Merry Little Christmas through What If.
Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.
TAKE THE ROAD
February 20, 2004
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm lowered himself into the chair behind him and stared at the door of the loft that had just closed between him and Mac. For the second time in less then a year she had walked out that door with him imploring her to be careful. The last time he had ended up going after her. This time he couldn’t. She had been right to reminded him that his hearing and inner ear problems would make him a liability, yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was going to need him before this was over.
He sat there for what seemed like hours before Mattie arrived to join him for dinner and to finish her homework. He always enjoyed their family time together, but tonight he knew he was distracted. He didn’t want her to worry about Mac...she and Mac had grown close as well since Mac’s Christmas magic that had brought Mattie back into his life.
He smiled thinking about how Mac had always just been there - no fanfare. When he went to Russia, she joined him on the plane; when he had tried to negotiate a deal for the black jet she had stepped in with her language skills and put together a deal that worked for all of them; when his first Corvette was stolen and stripped, she retrieved the stick-shift knob that had the gold wings embedded in it; when he was in danger of losing the brother he had just found - she showed up and took it all in stride pitching in and helping; and when he went down at sea she had found something deep inside her that told them where to find him.
Mac was a hero in her own right. She was smart, honest, intuitive, and believed that the truth was as important as he did. She also believed in duty to country and loyalty to friends. They were two of a kind - Mac was just a better kind of person then he was. She would think about things before she spoke - unlike him with the bad habit of saying something before thinking it through and then having to back up and get his foot out of his mouth before he could go on. That was why he took her at her word and he knew it was why she could no longer trust him to be there for her and not hurt her.
“Harm? Harm!” Mattie’s insistent voice pierced his deep thoughts.
“Sorry Mattie. What did I miss?”
“I just asked you where you were. Is everything alright? Did you and Mac have a fight?”
“No...why?”
“Ever since Mac showed up and wanted to speak to you alone you have been preoccupied. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing...I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
“No you aren’t...that’s why you’ve been acting so weird. You’re worried about Mac.”
“Mattie, look. Mac is trained to take on the things we have to face in our job - just like I am. She doesn’t need me to hold her hand or rescue her anymore then I need her sometimes.”
“And you think this is one of those times where she needs help?”
“Mattie, I think this is one of those times that I can’t help - but I would if I could. This time I have to trust that Mac will be able to handle it and that someone else will provide her with back-up if she needs it.”
“Easy to say - not so easy to do?”
“Something like that,” Harm smiled at the perceptive teenager in his care. Sometimes he wasn’t sure if she took care of him or he took care of her. She certainly had made sure he took care of himself while he had been somewhat incapacitated. But then he knew she and Mac had talked about him before his hearing returned and he was determined that he would eventually find out exactly what that exchange had been. For now, he tried to refocus his thoughts on Mattie’s needs and checking her homework. He just hoped Mac would call and let him know when it was over.
Mattie had left while he had been on the phone with Bud. It had felt good to hear his phone ring and be able to hear the caller clearly. One part of him was feeling hopeful that everything would work out, while part of him feared what was to come. Talking with Bud provided a momentary distraction while they discussed a case and made arrangements to work on it the next morning at the office.
After hanging up, he paced awhile and then stood and looked out the window, hoping he would see Mac drive up to tell him it was over and she was safe. By midnight he had given up and gone to bed thinking that if he fell asleep, then Mac would call. It worked. The phone woke him just before 0100.
“Rabb.”
“It’s over.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine...”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really, Harm. I just want to take a shower and get some sleep. I’ll see you at JAG tomorrow.”
“If you’re sure...”
“I’m sure. Sorry to bother you but I knew you’d worry...’night.”
“G’night, Mac. Call if you need anything...” Harm heard the dial tone signally that she had hung up before she heard him.
It was almost worse after she had called. Her voice was flat and emotionless. He suspected that she was trying to build walls around herself. His gut told him that she had needed to kill Sadik. While part of him wanted to celebrate that she had succeeded in taking him out, a part of him recalled the tumultuous emotions that a person could go through afterwards.
From sick to your stomach at the thought of what you had to resort to - the taking of a human life - to the euphoria of triumph, to the self-doubts as to whether or not your actions were justifiable, sometimes anger, guilt, fear, and hate fought for control. Circumstances may impact the severity of the reaction, but so far he had been able to accept his actions and move on. He hoped Mac was able to do the same.
While he did not find it easy to ask for help, he had been fortunate enough to have the strength and wisdom of men like Tom Boone and even AJ Chegwidden around to say the words he needed to hear that helped him through the tough times. He hoped he would know the right words to use for Mac if she needed him. He hoped that she would get the benefit of a psychologists which he knew first hand to be part of the CIA debriefing procedures. It certainly had helped him during his brief stint with the agency.
Next day-Saturday morning
JAG Headquarters
Fall Church, Virginia
“Hey Bud, you ready to tackle the latest on the Miravelis case?” Harm asked as he poked his head into the Lieutenants office.
“Morning, sir. Ready as I’ll be I guess.”
They had worked for several hours going over the case. Harm wasn’t sure if the admiral was keeping him on the case or letting Bud take it alone. He had approached their work as if Bud was taking the lead over.
“Thank you sir. This has been very insightful. You seem sure that the Admiral is going to leave the case with me.”
“Why wouldn’t he Bud? You’re a good lawyer. I thought we’d gotten you over the self-doubting phase, Mister.”
“Yes sir. It’s just when a big case comes up and I still think that the admiral is going to automatically look to you or the Colonel to take it on.”
“Bud, the Admiral knows that the best way to keep his team strong is to have all of us up to speed on all kinds of cases. You’ve got to get over this hurdle once and for all Bud.”
“Yes, sir. I know it in my head, but I guess I just haven’t internalized it yet. I am getting there sir.”
“Yes you are. Hey Bud, have you seen the Colonel today?”
“No, but being Saturday I didn’t think she’d be in. Were you expecting her?”
“Not really, but when I talked to her last night I thought she said she’d be here today. Must have misunderstood - something I’m really good at these days Bud.”
“Because of your hearing problem sir?”
Harm had to smile at that, “No Bud, I’m just beginning to realize that what the Colonel says and means is not always a match.”
“You and the Colonel do have a way of talking around each other at times, sir.”
“We do, don’t we Bud. You know, having to read Mattie has helped me get a clearer handle on Mac - sometimes. You’d think after this many years, we’d be better at understanding each other.”
“I think you both understand where the other is coming from in your heads, sir, but like me, neither of you trust yourself when you get into new territory with each other. When that happens, your doubts and insecurities show up. You cover them up by getting cocky - like the pilot you are and the Colonel pulls out the tough Marine and hides behind her training too.”
Harm thought a minute then looked at Bud with a smile, “You’re good, Bud. That’s why you shouldn’t doubt yourself.”
“Thank you sir. I guess its always easier to see it in someone else then in yourself isn’t it.”
“Yes, Bud, it is.” Harm glanced at his watch. “I’ve got to go. Mattie’s got a volleyball meet today and I promised her I’d be there. See you Monday Bud.”
That Evening
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
While waiting for dinner to cook and Mattie to get home, Harm decided to try and call Mac. Her answering machine picked up.
“Hey, Mac. It’s Harm. Missed you at JAG this morning. Hope you’re okay. Look, Mattie and I will be eating around 1800 if you want to join us. Nothing fancy - Lasagna - half veggie, half with dead animal- garlic bread and a salad. I promise I won’t push, but I’m here if you need someone to talk to...I’m learning to be a better listener, I promise...okay. At least call me when you get my message.” Harm hung up the phone and went to set the table. He decided to be optimistic and set the table for three people.
Harm looked up as he saw Mattie come threw the door. “Hey, Mattie...nice game.”
“Thanks Harm,” she smiled at him. “I wasn’t sure if you’d make it. I know that sometimes JAG has to come first...”
“But it doesn’t make it any easier when you want to see someone there cheering you on, does it?” Harm smiled as he walked toward Mattie and reached out to pull her into a quick hug. She hugged him back.
“Hey - we expecting company?” Mattie asked noticing the three place settings on the table.
“Maybe...I left a message for Mac to join us if she could. Do you mind?”
“No...I like Mac.”
“So are you going to tell me what you two were talking about when she was here and I couldn’t hear?”
“No.” Mattie grinned at her guardian as she pulled out a stool to wait for dinner.
“No? Now I really think you should tell me - none of this keeping secrets stuff.”
“Now Harm, I can see where you’d get worried, but I promise we didn’t say anything too bad about you...” Just then there was a knock on the door. “I’ll get it!”
Mattie remembered to check through the peep hole and so she was smiling when she opened the door to reveal Mac.
“Hi Mattie. Harm home?”
“Yeah...come on in.”
“Hey, Mac...did you get my message?”
“No...I’ve been gone all day...what’s up?”
“I called to invite you to join us for dinner.”
“Thanks but...”
“It’s lasagna - half and half...” Harm knew she like it so he decided to try to tempt her taste buds.
“Okay...but I’m not sure I’ll be very good company.”
“You don’t have to be. Just join us - okay?”
Mac agreed and the three of them set down for dinner. Mattie and Harm told Mac all about Mattie’s volleyball game and enjoyed teasing each other through out the meal. All the while Harm watched Mac’s face for signs that she was going to bolt. He didn’t see anything there. He noticed that she seemed to be more relaxed as the evening wore on.
Together they had done dishes and then shown Mac the specs on the most recent batch of houses the realtor had given them. They talked about what they wanted and didn’t want in housing and how being a home owner would change things for Harm with having up-keep on the place, lawn care, all the things he didn’t have to worry about now. Harm was thoughtful for a minute and then turned to Mac and Mattie with a smile.
“You know what, a year ago that probably would have scared me.”
“And it doesn’t now?” asked Mac.
“No. I like the idea. I’ve always enjoyed tackling home improvement projects. I did fix this place up, remember?”
“True.” Mac thought a minute and then looked at Mattie, “You’re a settling influence on this man, young lady. Congratulations.”
“You know what Mac, I don’t think he’s changed that much...just realized what would make him happiest...”
“Alright you two! Don’t talk about me like I’m not even here.”
“I thought you wanted to know what we talked about concerning you?” Mattie grinned.
“I do - I did...” He pointed a finger at them - first one then the other. “Two against one isn’t fair.”
“Just think Harm, if you get married someday and have a daughter, you’ll always be outnumbered.” Mattie laughed.
Harm glanced at Mac, wondering if she was thinking about the baby deal at that moment as he was.
“I suppose if my daughter looked like me and had her mother’s brains, it would be okay...” Harm stopped as he saw the little smile and the shiny eyes warning him that she was almost ready to cry.
Mattie sensed that her guardian and Mac may be close to a hallmark moment and excused herself, claiming the need to do laundry.
“Mac...”
“No Harm...I can’t go there with you tonight...I don’t even want to think about it...I...”
“What Mac? What can I do for you?”
“Nothing! There’s nothing you or anyone can do. I did it all, Harm. I went in there and I faced Sadik. I stayed a step ahead of him and I killed him.”
“Mac, its never easy dealing with the aftermath of a situation like that. Get some help dealing with it if you can.”
“From who? CIA? A shrink? Webb? You?”
“Any one of those sources are an option.”
“I can’t deal with this tonight Harm. I don’t want to discuss it with you...”
“Mac, you said earlier that you hadn’t gotten my message. Why did you come over?”
“I just didn’t want to be alone.”
“You’re not. You can come here whenever you need to.”
“I lucked out tonight finding you home and willing to let me in.”
“Mac...I’m sorry about the times I haven’t been there for you. I want to change that.”
“Thanks. I’m going to go home and get some sleep.”
“Didn’t sleep well last night?”
“Not at all...but I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t push, alright?”
“Alright. I’m here if you need me.”
“I know...good-night.”
Harm watched from his window to make sure she got into her car okay. He saw her drive away. His Marine was in for a long haul he thought, as he contemplated the level of her denial regarding her need for support.
Monday Morning
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm and Mac met first thing with Judge Helfman to review the status of the Miravelis case.
“You’re telling me that after all this the case is being reopened as a Capital case with new attorneys and that in fact one if not both of you will be called as witnesses?”
“Yes, your Honor.” Mac and Harm answered together.
“It is my understanding then that we can close out the original case and that a new judge will be taking the case over. Is that correct Commander Rabb?”
“Yes your Honor. That is my understanding.”
“Colonel Mackenzie?”
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Case closed. Commander, Colonel...I must say that your cases always seem to be very eventful. I only hope that I’m not the only one that gets to ‘enjoy’ your antics.”
Harm gave her a sheepish grin and glanced at Mac, “Our apologies Your Honor.”
As Mac and Harm left the judges office Mac looked at him, “Since when are you authorized to give apologies on my behalf?”
“What?” Harm stopped and looked at Mac. “I’m sorry if I overstepped the bounds, Colonel. I was just trying to be gracious and get us out of there.”
“Why?”
“”Because I happen to agree with Commander Helfman. It does seem that many of our battles in the courtroom have been with her. I suppose the fact that she’s the same rank as us makes it easier for us to push the limits with her.”
“Well, speak for yourself next time and leave me out of it.” Mac spun on her heel and stalked away from Harm to return to her office.
Harm watched her go and returned to his own office. He tried putting Mac out of his mind so that he could concentrate on his work.
Tuesday Morning
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm and Mac had been called to the Admiral’s office first thing after arriving that morning. He briefed them on a case about an ex-marine that had been hired by a school to do a presentation about his part in Panama which had resulted in his being honored with a medal. The medal turned out to be bogus and he was wearing an unauthorized uniform as well.
Mac seemed in a hurry to get started. She was different from the Mac that he had talked to on the phone and who had joined them for dinner the other night. He watched and listened with interest as she interrupted the Admiral again and took his reprimand with obvious impatience. Mac was assigned to defend the Marine while Harm would prosecute. Mac seemed ready to go at it and Harm found himself debating between humor at her gung-ho attitude and approach and concern that this was not normal for Mac. She was usually much more in control and often chastised him for not thinking things out.
After the Admiral dismissed them, he headed back to his office to begin his research. Coates stopped him to take a call from Mattie’s father. He wanted to see his daughter now that he had finished two months in rehab without a drink. Harm gritted his teeth and found it in himself to do the right thing.
“Okay Mr. Johnson...I’ll talk to Mattie tonight and then we’ll plan on dinner - say tomorrow evening?”
“That would be great sir...Let me bring a pizza - I know Mattie’s always liked pizza.”
“That would be fine. How will you get here?”
“I’ll take the train in.”
“I’d be glad to pick you up.”
“That’s okay - maybe a ride back afterwards?”
“Done. We’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Johnson.
That Evening
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
“Mattie, your Dad called today. He wants to see you.”
“Well, I don’t want to see him.”
“I know you don’t - but he has the right to spend time with you and I think you should. I’ll be right here with you...I promise.”
“I know...”
“And I know you can handle this Mattie.”
“Yeah...but can you Harm? Can you handle him being a jerk?”
“Mattie, we are going to give him a chance. It’s the least we can do after the work and effort he’s put in to change.”
“I know...”
“Come here...” Harm took Mattie in his arms for a reassuring hug. “Even if you go back and are living with your Dad someday, you can always call me...I’ll always be here for you.”
“Even if there’s a Mrs. Harm and some little Rabb-its crawling around someday?”
“Even then, Mattie, even then.” Harm chuckled at her description of his dream for the future. He had never thought of his children as rabbits and he doubted at his age he would father as many as that, but the image in his mind was cute non-the-less.
Friday
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm leaned back in his chair thinking about the week. He was exhausted. It had been a rough one. First the visit with Mattie’s dad had been less then stellar. He was upset that Mattie was upset. Her words about being happier before she met him had hurt and came back to haunt him at odd moments. He hoped that he had done the right thing telling Mattie that he had been embarrassed by her behavior.
When he had taken her father back to the center he had been pleased that the two of them had been able to talk openly. Mr. Johnson had explained that he understood Mattie was hurt and that it wasn’t going to be easy for her to be able to accept him back into her life, but that he wanted her to heal and be able to move on. He feared that without more support it would never happen.
At first Harm had thought his efforts as a parent were being questioned, but then Mr. Johnson had gone on to explain that part of his rehab was finding ways that he could help heal the wounds. They talked about the value of support groups and how the other people were having their spouses and significant others as well as the children attend support groups designed for them. They could hear how others experienced similar situations and they could then talk through issues without fear of judgement and without being able to avoid the real issues.
He asked Harm if he would try and get Mattie to go to an alateen group meeting. When Harm had agreed he suggested that he come in and pick up some material. While he was looking at the Ala-teen material, he discovered the support groups for spouses and significant others. One line jumped out at him from one of the brochures:
“Even if you or someone you love grew up in a family with an alcoholic, you may need to learn about the long lasting effects, typical issues and coping strategies.”
While part of his brain was focused on the best way to help Mattie, the other part of his brain was focused on the women he loved. Here may be the instruction manual he’d been looking for to help him understand Mac. He picked up several flyers and was pleased to find that one of the Ala-teen groups met at the teen center near him - the one that Mattie already went to with her friends. That may or may not be in her favor, but knowing that another was available a short drive away, he decided to take a chance.
After praising Tom Johnson again and thanking him for his advice, he shook his hand and said, “Tom, as much as I’ve grown to love Mattie as if she were my daughter, I value the biological bond between a father and a child. I lost my father and I’ve seen the challenges my best friend has faced growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother that abandoned her. She waited until it was too late to really make a difference to her by reestablishing the bonds with her father.
“I was lucky enough to have a step-father that loved me like his own son and although it was years before I could appreciate what he had done for me, I know now more then ever how important he was in my life. I don’t want the same things to happen to Mattie. Thank you for giving me a chance to be there for her and to share her with you.”
“Your welcome...and before this becomes a ‘hallmark moment’ that neither of us can handle, I’ll say good-night.”
“Good-night, Tom. Call me when you get a chance.”
“I will, Harm, thanks.”
The next morning Mattie had been quiet, but pleasant when he took her to school. As he had hoped she found the flyers he had left in the car for her. He allowed her to take control of the situation by cutting a deal - agreeing to go if he would forgive her. He had smiled not wanting her to know too soon that he had already forgiven her. They shook on it and he had walked her in to school and spoken to a couple of her teachers to see if things were okay. After getting positive reports, and appreciation for showing his interest, he had gone on to work.
After he got home that evening he had dropped Mattie off at the teen center and gone to a support meeting for male family members in a church basement two streets over. He had introduced himself and explained that he was there because of his ward and his best friend. He was welcomed and he listened to the other members talk about things they were dealing with. One guy was saying how every time his wife lashed out at him he use to give it back to her but that after hearing them talk about how important it is for the child of an alcoholic to feel in control he had looked for other ways to handle things.
“Last week you said that your girlfriend was blaming you for doing and saying the things she was feeling in regards to herself and I discovered that my wife does the same thing. She blamed me for wanting to get a divorce when in fact she was afraid I wanted a divorce because of the way she had been acting. Instead of getting mad at her like I use to do, I just calmly but firmly said, ‘No Honey. I don’t want a divorce, and I don’t want to fight...I think you are afraid that I will want to divorce you because you’ve been mean lately.’”
“What happened then?” someone else in the group asked.
“I walked away. As a matter of fact I went out in the kitchen and put the dishes away.”
“And what did your wife do?”
“She watched me walk away and then she went into the living room and watched TV.”
Harm’s mind had gone on high alert. What a coincidence that this very conversation would come up tonight. The things he heard made sense. He could see Mattie and Mac in the people that these men talked about. When they got back around to Harm they asked him if he had anything he wanted to share with the group.
“What I have heard here makes a lot of sense to me. I asked my best friend for an instruction manual because I just haven’t been able to figure out what she needs from me. She told me it was really simple and that I just hadn’t figured it out. We’ve talked about taking our relationship to a different level, but we’re never on the same page at the same time. When she wanted to move forward, I wasn’t ready - I needed more time. She thought I didn’t want her and she got involved with someone else. We remained friends, and then when I was ready to move forward, she wasn’t.
I thought we were getting to where we were both ready but I was wrong. I’ve tried to move on and I know it’s not going to work. I’m willing to be her friend as long as she will let me, but lately she hasn’t even wanted to be friends. She’s almost always busy. Her personality seems so different lately. Usually she accuses me of making things too complicated. Last week she said I always make things to simple. My head spins trying to figure her out.”
“You have a ward as well?”
“Yes. She’s fifteen. She lives with a friend down the hall from me, but I am her guardian. I’m trying to help her re-connect with her father while assuring her that she will never have to be alone in this world again. He’s in rehab and is doing well after two months. It was his suggestion that she and I come to support group meetings.”
“Harm you have taken on a lot of responsibility and although it won’t be easy, I think you will find our group helpful.”
“I already have. I feel like you’ve given me some pages to the instructional manual I’ve been looking for.” Every one laughed a little at his comment.
“Although we are a men’s group once a week, we also are part of a mixed group once a week. You are welcome to come to either or both groups. Also, once a month we have family night and members come with their family members and we have a pot luck supper and share our celebrations and brainstorm our problems. You are welcome to bring your ward and friend.”
“Thank you. I will keep that in mind.”
He had been awake long into the night thinking about the things he and Mac had said to each other over the years and especially in Paraguay. With his new insight, he tried different responses in his head after analyzing what she might have really meant. He had finally fallen asleep feeling like he had some answers.
Mac had been out of control in the court room yesterday.. She was acting more like he had years ago - reckless, careless, anything goes. She had however, pushed the judge too far and had been told she would be held in contempt. As he had been on his way out she was just leaving and he decided to be very calm and gentle with her.
“Hey Tiger, can I walk you out?”
“Harm I don’t know what happened to me in there today. I lost it and I just couldn’t get it back.”
“Colonel...My office, now.” Admiral Chegwidden had spoken in a calm cool voice.
Mac had gone and as much as Harm had wanted to wait for her, he decided to give her some space. He left a note on her car window saying he’d be home and to call if he wanted. She hadn’t.
Earlier today they had been talking. Mac had accused him of never admitting to making mistakes.
“Come on Harm! When was the last time you admitted to being wrong about anything?”
“Oh- you want to get personal?”
“Yeah - maybe I do.”
“Alright - I’m the one with grown-up responsibilities now, Mattie, the house I’m trying to buy - at least I’m finally letting people into my life.”
“Toys. What happens when you get bored with suburbia, Harm? Are you going to lose interest in Mattie like you did your brother? He preferred life in Russia to being ignored by you. Yet you fight to draw people into your circle, just so you can push them away again!”
“You know - this isn’t about me losing interest in Mattie. You think I’m losing interest in you.”
He had walked away then and left her standing in JAG Ops looking after him. She had nothing to say. He hadn’t lashed out at her and now he understood what was happening it made it harder to be angry. He was grateful for the insight just one session with the support group had given him.
When he had picked Mattie up after her session she was quiet and introspective. He let her have some time to process it on her own and then as they parked the car he had asked her if she was okay. She had nodded.
“Mattie, if and when you want to talk about anything, I want you to know I’ll listen.”
“I know. I have a lot to think about after tonight.”
“Me too.”
“You?”
“Yeah...I went to my own group that helps people understand how to help the people they love to cope and to heal.”
“Really?”
“Yeah...I figured I could learn something and I have two people that grew up with alcoholic fathers that I need to know how to understand and how to help.”
“Me and Mac - right?”
“Yeah.”
“Harm?”
“Yes Mattie?”
“I’m sorry I said I was happier before I met you.”
“I know, kiddo. At that moment you weren’t happy with me and that’s okay. Sometimes I am going to make decisions that you are not going to like - but I do it because I love you and want what’s best for you.”
Mattie nodded and got out of the car giving Harm a hug and keeping her arm around his waist as they climbed the stairs together.
Now thinking back on that moment last night and Mac’s reaction to his new approach today, he realized that in fact there were times he needed to take a simple approach and other times things would get very complicated, however, his happiness would depend on how well he was able to pick up the signs and adjust to the moment. If he could, then he could help Mattie and Mac and in doing so, maybe have everything he had always wanted but didn’t know how to go about getting.
Friday Evening
Mattie’s School
Washington D.C.
Harm had gone to watch Mattie play volleyball after work and waited for her to shower so they could go grab a bite to eat and do some shopping. While he waited he saw one of the fathers that he had met at group. They had nodded to each other but not spoken. A short time later, Mattie had come out of the locker room laughing with one of the girls on the team. The girls walked toward him and he figured Mattie was going to ask if her friend could join them. He was going to have to say no as he had brought the Corvette.
“Harm, I want you to meet Nina. She’s on the team and we’ve recently discovered we have quite a bit in common.”
“Nina, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Mattie talks about you a lot, sir.”
“I’m sure you got an earful when she was mad at me the other day,” Harm smiled.
“Actually, she always brags about how lucky she is that she’s got a second chance at a family - one that really cares about her.”
“Really?”
“It’s true Harm...”
“We’ll talk about this later,” Harm cautioned her to let it go for now.
“Did you bring the SUV today?”
“No, sorry.”
“Sorry Nina...no room. Maybe next time.”
“It’s okay. My dad’s waiting anyway.” Nina walked away then and Harm saw her go to the guy he had recognized from group.
“Mattie, remind me next time and I will bring the SUV so you can bring a friend with us.”
“It’s okay, Harm, really. Her Step-dad isn’t the problem...her real father was drunk and killed himself about five years ago along with her grandparents. Her Mother is having a tough time dealing with it all. The anniversary of their deaths is this weekend.”
“Tell you what. Maybe tomorrow you can call and invite her over for dinner and a movie or something.”
“What about a sleep over?”
“We’ll talk to Jen about it. Maybe not this time, but sometime maybe we can arrange something. Mac might even be willing to help out.”
They arrived at the Corvette and Mattie threw her arms around her guardian again to hug him before jumping in the car so they could head to the mall.
2315 Local
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Mattie kissed Harm’s cheek as she dragged herself off to her room. After her game, which they had won, she and Harm had gone out to eat. From there Harm had taken Mattie shopping at the mall. Most of the time they had window shopped but a few times Mattie saw things that caught her eye. She had ended up with a new pair of pants, a top, a sweater, a skirt and a new pair of shoes. She had also convinced Harm to buy a new shirt, made of a soft jersey knit in a dark red shade. After that they had gone to the grocery store and then finished off the evening with an ice cream sundae.
By the time Mattie went to bed, Harm was feeling good but was exhausted. He had tried not to think about Mac all evening, and had been somewhat successful. However, the quiet apartment and his exhaustion brought his thoughts of Mac all back to him.
He was worried about her. He wanted to help her but he wasn’t sure exactly how to do that. All he could do was be here if she needed him. He stood up to shut off the light and go to bed when he heard a slight noise at his door. He wondered if it was Mattie coming back to see him. He opened the door and there stood Mac, with the deer-in-the-head-lights look.
“Mac, what’s wrong? Come in...”
“No that’s alright...I shouldn’t have bothered you.”
“Never mind that...I was still up...Come on in.” He reached to pull her into the room and shut the door but she pulled away from him.
“I knew I shouldn’t have come here!”
Mac held up his hands in front of him and stepped back. “I won’t touch you Mac. Just come in and sit down.”
“Of course...the great moral Harmon Rabb wouldn’t ever touch someone like me would they?” Mac’s voice was sarcastic. Harm knew immediately that she was trying to provoke him. He fought to stay calm and focused so he could figure out what it was Mac was really getting at.
“What no witty come back, Harm?”
“Do you want a seat?”
“Nope. I’ve got one,” Mac smiled a devilish smile as she turned her back toward him and ran her hands over her rear end, while looking over her shoulder at him.
Harm kept his voice as soft and sincere as he could when he responded, “Yes you do Mac. You are a very beautiful woman.”
“Then why won’t you even try to touch me?” Mac cried out as she crumpled into the chair near the coffee table.
“Is that what you want?”
“Yes...NO...I don’t know!”
“And that’s why I haven’t touched you...when I do it will be because it is what we both want and it will be for the same reason.” Harm explained.
Mac fought to regain control and then looked at Harm as she stood and stiffened her spine, “Another excuse falls in your lap and you look like a hero again, huh Harm?”
“Mac, you are testing me again. Earlier today you wanted to see if I was still interested in you. God help me, because I am. Tonight you are trying to see if I will treat you as poorly as you feel about yourself. I won’t anymore...I’ve done it too many time in the past. I will help you however I can, but touching you now as part of your ‘dare’ or whatever this is, is only going to make you feel worse about your self. I don’t want to do that to you...I care about you too much.”
Harm watched as Mac again dissolved in tears and moved toward the door. “Why don’t you have a cup of tea before you leave?”
“Because I want to get out of here and hide.”
“You don’t need to...but I want to make sure you’re going to be okay to drive.”
Mac took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I’ll be fine Harm. I really need to go.”
Harm watched her walk out his door again and as much as it pained him, he knew he had to let her go.
Monday
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm sat at his desk reviewing his notes one more time before court. As he had worked on the case at home over the weekend, he realized that there were parallels between the defendant’s situation and the one he found himself in with Mac. He wanted to be there for her but she wouldn’t let him, or anyone it seemed, close enough to help. He knew that he was working to get beyond that habit himself and that it wasn’t easy. His comment to her that he had finally started letting people into his life was true.
On one level, Mattie didn’t allow him to shut himself off from her. She nagged him and teased and did whatever she could to wheedle his thoughts and feelings out of him, resorting to her own interpretations when he wasn’t forth coming with them on his own.
On another level, he wanted to. First it was because he wanted to let Mattie see she could trust him; later it was because he wanted to set a good example for his ward, then because he had come to realized that people got the same kind of satisfaction helping him that he got from helping others, and finally, since his recent injury it was because he liked that feeling of being cared about. Harm wanted Mac to feel that for herself.
As Harm was coming to understand what made Mattie tick, he also was learning keys to try with Mac. Setting things up so that Mattie discovered the Alateen program gave her an out, even though she saw through him. Harm was beginning to wonder if there was a way he could make a subtle statement that could get Mac thinking about some things he wanted to convey to her, without her feeling like he was getting in her face, criticizing, or attacking her. He had left a list in the case file that he had made over the weekend. He picked it up and looked at it one more time before he needed to go. He had wanted Mac to understand that she had set up roadblocks to their friendship by shutting him out and had started his list of thoughts he wanted her to consider.
Being a loner puts you on the outside looking in (I know from experience).
To have a friend, you must be a friend.
When you want people to take you at your word, then you need to choose your words carefully.
Everyone lashes out at times but a sincere apology goes a long way to healing the hurt words cause.
Everyone needs help sometime.
Harm put his things back in the folder and headed for the courtroom. Mac was already there and he nodded to her as he got his things together. He would be calling the defendant to the stand first thing today. Harm questioned his honesty and why there was no evidence to support his statements. The defendant had admitted that he was a jerk and no one liked him very much.
The words seemed so right for the case, something that would make the defendant cringe, the jury think and Mac take notice. They spilled from Harm gently all the same as if they had a life of there own.
“That’s the problem with being a loner. You’re always on the outside looking in,” Harm had turned his attention to the defendant. “ You make it impossible to be a friend,” he turned toward Mac, “...then you wonder why you feel so alone.” He turned away then to look at the jury. You could have hear a pin drop and the echo of its sound in the quiet courtroom. As Harm returned to his seat he glanced at Mac. She acknowledged him with a nod, but didn’t hold his gaze.
Harm knew that at some level his remark had hit home. The case had gone into recess before lunch and would not resume until the next day to give the defense attorney time to try to bring in someone that could corroborate her clients words. The judge had been a little reluctant until Mac had asked for a side bar and with Harm at her side had explained to the judge that she also had an appointment that would prevent her from being able to corroborate his story and return to the courtroom today.
“Sir, I have another appointment that cannot be changed. It was order by my CO and its today.”
“Any objections to this request Commander Rabb?”
“No Your Honor.”
“Very well, step back.” Once they had, he dismissed the court. “We will reconvene at 0900 tomorrow morning.”
Harm watched as Mac and her client left to go to her office to talk. He would love to know what she had said to him in there, because he had seen the man leave her office looking like he had been chastised.
Mac had shut her door, shutting all of them out and then a short time later had secured her office and left for the day. She had glanced at Harm across the bullpen but had not given anyone a chance to intercept her.
Monday night
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm had said goodnight to Mattie half an hour ago and had fixed himself a cup of tea. He was enjoying the quiet and reflecting back on the talk he and Mattie had over dinner and even while she had done her homework. Between passing the vegetables and a second napkin, she had turned those trusting eyes of hers on him and asked him a question he had battled with for years.
“Harm, why haven’t you and Mac ever dated?”
“It’s complicated...”
“Harm don’t even think you are going to get away with that as an answer. Tell me the truth.”
“Mattie, it is complicated,” he held up a hand to indicate that she needed to give him more time before she jumped in again. “At first I was fairly open with Mac because she looked so much like a friend of mine that had been murdered and I would forget once in awhile that I didn’t already really know Mac. Of course, all the little things I had used to impress women in the past, didn’t work with Mac.”
“So you did make a pass at her!” Mattie cried gleefully.
“I wouldn’t call it a pass, but if she had shown interest at that point, yeah, I probably would have asked her out and bent the rules. When we were introduced, Admiral Chegwidden even told us not to get too comfortable with each other because we had to work together.”
“So old Baldy strikes again...”
“Mattie.” Harm used his disproving tone with her, one that she didn’t hear to often.
“Sorry...It’s just it seems like he’s spoiled your happiness a few times.”
“Not really...but that’s another story. Which one you want me to focus on?”
“You and Mac.”
“Okay...where was I?”
“Mac didn’t like you much at first, huh?”
“She didn’t trust me. She said I had a nice smile that probably got me what I wanted most of the time, but it wasn’t going to work on her.”
“And you saw a challenge?”
“No. I saw a very determined Marine, beautiful as she was, that didn’t trust and I knew that if we were going to work together I had to put aside my interest and focus on gaining her trust. There was just something about Mac even then that told me she was special and that I needed to clean up my act with her. I became so determined to gain her trust that I made sure she had no reason not to trust me. It became standard operating procedure around her. I let her set the pace at first. I offered friendship and respected her as a Marine officer.”
“Wow...that’s really kind of cool and romantic.”
“Yeah, well, if any guy tries stuff with you I hope you have the confidence and strength that Mac had putting me in my place.”
“Oh, Harm...tell me more...please?”
“Mac and I fell into a pattern working together. We worked well together but the first time we went against each other as opposing counsel, well...it didn’t go well. Bud was assisting her and he had worked with me enough to know that I go at it with everything I’ve got in the courtroom...but when I leave the courtroom I leave everything there as well. Mac didn’t understand that or how I could do that and so it was hard on her. I offered to take her to lunch and she about decked me - compared me to a bilge switch even!”
“Oh gross! You were that bad?”
“Still am, but I’ve learned more finesse...still after a while Mac and I kept learning more about each other and learning to trust more. We started spending off hours together running, working out, flying - well we only flew one time. I screwed up and we ended up setting down in a clearing. While we were trying to get help we stumbled across some poachers and one of them got her with some buck shot in her thigh...God that was horrible...if I had only paid more attention to what I was doing I might have caught that the line was worn. Anyway, we ended up in even more trouble trying to get out of there; Mac’s leg got infected and we ended up having to kill a couple of them to get away...Mac’s never been up in ‘Sarah’ with me since.”
“Isn’t Mac’s first name Sarah?”
“Yeah...coincidence. My bi-plane is named after my grandmother Rabb.”
“Wow...quite a coincidence.”
“I actually think Mac was jealous at first.”
“And you had to tease her with it didn’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Oh Harm...we’ve got to work with you if you and Mac are ever going to be able to get together.”
“That’s probably not going to happen, Mattie. I think we’ve let that part of our lives go by. I do hope we can be ‘best friends’ again though...”
Mattie saw the sadness in his face and knew that Harm wanted more but was afraid to hope for that much. As they cleaned up the table and did dishes she kept him talking about his life with Mac.
So were either of you dating other people back then?”
“At first, no, but then I ran into the widow of one of my roommates from the Academy and I had always had a thing for her. After her husband was killed I tried helping her out some. They had a little boy and I use to try to take the place of his father once in awhile. She even relocated to Maryland where we could be closer. Actually it was a job offer that brought her east, but it did let us at least try a relationship. We tried but it was for all the wrong reasons and I did something really stupid and she got mad at me. She wouldn’t let me see her son anymore either. It hurt...that I couldn’t see her son...not that we hadn’t worked out.”
“What did you do Harm?”
“I didn’t set a good example for him and basically was telling him it was okay to lie as long as he confessed and apologized later. I was wrong and I knew it, but it was a too late then.”
“Darn..why couldn’t I have known you before you learned that one!” Mattie laughed.
Harm shook his finger at her and grinned as he said, “I have learned a few things and I’m a wiser man. Don’t try it with me, I’m warning you.”
“I won’t Harm. So tell me more about you and Mac.”
“Mac was seeing a guy named Dalton Lowne and she even left JAG to try work as a civilian lawyer for a while. I was jealous, but it was because I wanted the life he had and if I hadn’t been in the Navy then I would have had it - the Porsche, the classy woman...anyway that’s what I convinced myself. I ended up getting in trouble and Mac ended up defending me and proving my innocence. After that she decided to ask the Admiral to take her back at JAG and he did.”
“What did you do, Harm?”
“Another story Mattie...more Mac? or another time?”
“More Mac...I’ll even work on my homework while you talk.”
“Okay...let me know if you need help.”
“I will.”
“Anyway, a few months later, Mac hit a run of bad luck. Dalton was killed, the detective that investigated turned out to be stalking Mac and then her husband showed up that she hadn’t seen in years and she ended up killing him in self defense. She was arrested and I got to defend her that time. We had an Australian, Mic Brumby, on an exchanged program working with us at JAG and he started hitting on Mac. At first he thought there was something between us and I denied it saying we were only friends. By then, Mac and I had come to rely on each other. We were always there for each other. Mac had followed me to Russia and helped me learn about my father - and that story you’ve heard.”
“I know...keep talking.”
“Well anyway it was during this time that Chloe left to live with her grandparents, and Harriet and Bud had baby AJ and Mac’s father died and my first Corvette was stolen and I had my eyes repaired so I could fly again anytime. I was also dating a Navy psychiatrist. Anyway, I decided that I wanted to try returning to active duty as a fighter pilot. It was too little too late and after a six month tour my designator was changed again and I returned to JAG. It was hard to adjust because I felt like I had only been gone a week and everyone had moved on without me.”
“Didn’t everyone stay in touch while you were away? - letters, email, cell phones...”
“No. So many people were hurt that I was leaving JAG that I didn’t think they would want to hear from me. I did exchange a few emails with Mac...but I think we were all trying to move on. I missed her so much...and I missed JAG. I was glad to come back. I was still trying to adjust to my newly chosen life when we ended up in Australia on a case. Bud and I were sent down first. Brumby was working the case on that end. Mac ended up joining us and then things got nasty between me and Brumby. He had always bugged me - as a matter of fact I use to call him ‘Bug-me’ especially to Bud and the Gunny. Anyway, tension was running high; we were opposing counsel; my client and a witness got into it and the next thing I knew Mic and I had connected with Bud Roberts jaw at the same time. The Admiral showed up not long after that and that was not one of my better moments.”
“Get in trouble, big time?”
“Oh yeah - with a non-judicial punishment.”
“What’s that mean?”
“The Admiral had Brumby and I strip blouses and ‘inflict an equal amount of pain on each other as Lt. Roberts had suffered,’ I believe was how he put it. I felt horrible about Bud getting hurt and I think I actually hated Brumby at that point as well. He obviously didn’t like me and he used his skills as a professional boxer to make sure I knew that.”
“Oh my God, Harm! He could have killed you!”
“Mattie, have a little faith in me...I’ve always been a scrapper and I keep myself in top shape. I’ve even trained with Marine Force Recon and Navy Seals, so he took his share of punishment as well.”
“What did Mac think of it all?”
“She was so concerned about poor Bud, that she didn’t have much sympathy for either of us. Anyway, while we were in Australia, Mac let me know that she was interested in us getting involved. I wasn’t ready to make the kind of commitment that I thought she deserved and I had sort of a planned time table in my head. Of course I didn’t express myself as well as I should have and when I said ‘not yet’ she took it to mean that I never would be...so when Mic proposed almost the next night, she considered it...Need help with that one?” Harm stopped to ask Mattie as she erased her work and started over.
“No...put it in the wrong place is all. Keep going...”
“Mac wore Mic’s ring on her right hand for several months before she moved it to the left hand and started planning their wedding, but in the meantime, I worried about what it would mean to us and never told her that I wanted her to wait for me to be ready...I never told her what I had envisioned as my plan...and I almost lost her. We did stay friends...I guess the fact that she had Mic in her life and I had met Renee who chased after me until it was easier to go out with her then have no one...gave us almost a sense of security as if we thought we would be immune to each other because we were both involved with other people.”
“So what happened to change Mac’s mind about marrying that guy?”
“Well, I guess I did...at Mac’s engagement party we ended up out on the porch - first waiting for Renee to show up and then later to finish what we started and I guess to say good-bye.”
“Did you kiss her?”
“Mattie, let me tell the story in my own way, okay?”
“Okay...just keep talking...”
Harm shook his head with a rueful smile.
“Anyway, we talked about everything and Mac admitted that she wanted us to stay friends...that she wanted me in her life. I said I thought her husband might have something to say about it. Anyway, I finally told Mac that she would have someone that would always love her...and she said I would too...and yes - we kissed. I felt bad about it and when I saw her at JAG the next week, I apologized for my behavior. I wanted Mac to be happy and if Mic was going to make her happy, then as much as it hurt I knew I would step aside so she could be happy.”
“Oh, Harm...that’s so beautiful...”
“Problem was I didn’t think he could make her happy and I was dreading the wedding so I went ahead and went to the Patrick Henry for my quals just before the wedding.”
“Uh-oh...something happened huh?”
“Yeah...I went down at sea in a storm trying to get back. It took them a while to find me and it happened the night before the wedding...”
“So she postponed it?”
“Yeah...and then Mic cancelled it and went back to Australia.”
“So why didn’t you two get together?”
“I was still seeing Renee and her father died unexpectedly so when Mac needed me the most, I ended up turning her away to go to Renee’s father’s funeral.”
“What happened with Renee?”
“She married the undertaker that Christmas and now has twins!”
“Wow! So why aren’t you and Mac together?”
“Good question...I thought we were getting there. We started back at the beginning about two and half years ago. We started finding the little things that we liked doing together again. We started having working dinners and hanging out together and we were getting closer. We were learning to talk and to listen to each other. Then Bud stepped on a mine and lost his leg. I think now that we leaned on each other at first, but then we started pulling away from each other...not wanting to risk the pain that we’d feel if we lost each other. Sergei, my brother left to go back to Russia and Lt. Singer was sent to replace Bud on the Seahawk. The Admiral started losing faith in me and I wanted to prove him wrong. Mac got appointed to the bench first and I had a hard time with that at first. Actually Mac is good and she knows the law and she knows me and I couldn’t get away with my usual tricks...it was like when we met all over again. Anyway, she had a problem with me when I finally got the chance to try my hand as a judge.”
“And?”
“I hated it. I like being involved...I like the investigation. Can’t do that as a judge. Even though the Admiral and SecNav said I held my own, it hurt when Mac didn’t approve of the way I did the job. About the same time we had to go to the Seahawk. Mac was investigating one thing and we another. Of course I couldn’t leave her investigation alone - not that I didn’t trust her - it’s just I thought maybe the person she was investigating had been involved with someone I knew. Then last winter the SecNav investigated JAG and although we were cleared, someone that held a grudge against me used it as a way to frame me for Lt. Singer’s death. That’s when things really fell apart. Mac found out I had kept something from her that was connected to her investigation. I think she thought I might have even been involved with Lt. Singer at least on some level and then when I was finally cleared after it was looking pretty grim, she got sent on assignment to Paraguay.”
“And that’s when you resigned to go after her and the Admiral wouldn’t take you back?”
“Right.”
“So what happened down there. If you resigned your job to go rescue her she should have known you had pretty strong feelings for her, right?”
“I thought she would see it...I always thought action spoke louder then words...but not for Mac. Instead she was angry with me for having to rescue her; she was angry with me because I couldn’t say the words she wanted to hear; she had just been through a very traumatic experience and I saw her...kissing Webb.”
“And you got jealous.”
“Yeah...I wouldn’t admit it at first. I tried to deny it and tend to the tasks we needed to go...but I crashed the plane we were in and although Mac didn’t get hurt, I ended up with a concussion. I was unconscious for awhile. Mac by then was running high on adrenaline and went into superhero mode herself. When I came around my vision was blurry and I couldn’t find Mac. I started walking and when a truck backfired I thought I was being shot at and so I shot back at the truck. Luckily I didn’t hit her.”
“You shot at Mac?”
“Yeah, anyway she was on an adrenaline rush and I was suffering from the aftereffects of the concussion and we started sniping at each other. We finally made it back to the hotel where Mac had stayed. She went shopping for some new clothes and we went back to the room to clean up and rest. We were just starting to get close and be able to talk and act rationally when Webb and Gunny showed up. It made me mad all over again when Webb started talking about their undercover work as a married couple. I thought about the kiss I saw and I didn’t handle it well.”
“What did Mac do? Did she stay with you or Webb?”
“Me. She said there was nothing between them, but she also said that it felt good to have someone state their intentions. Again, I didn’t handle it well and told her she could have Webb if that’s what she wanted. Then I asked her if we could table having a talk until later. She agreed. When we were finally waiting to leave South America, Mac thanked Gunny and Webb again for rescuing her and then she informed me that there could never be an us because we both want to be first physically and emotionally.”
“What did you say to her?”
“Nothing...I couldn’t. I had always believed that Mac meant what she said. That was one way I tried to show my respect for her. It’s only been recently that I learned that she doesn’t always say what she means or what she wants. When I went to ask her to be a character witness for me at your hearing she said I was the world’s worse son and asked me why I hadn’t fought her about what she said and she wanted to know why I hadn’t told her about you sooner. I got angry and told her this was too important for her to screw up. I meant because she was in no state to think rationally but that’s not how it came out of course.”
“But she came and fought for you to have me.”
“Yes...and that’s one reason I will move heaven and earth to help you and your father learn to forgive each other and move on...because Mac didn’t have the chance and it has effected her throughout her life. I don’t want that for you Mattie.”
“I know Harm...I guess I’m a lot like Mac.”
“How so?”
“I have to test people to see if they are worthy of my love and respect and I say one thing hoping that they will do another...its easier that way to accept it when they don’t come through for me.”
“Mattie, I know there will be times I won’t be here physically for you - because I have to go away as part of my job. But I will be with you emotionally and I’ll make sure that if you need me I can get to you by phone at least.”
“I know Harm...and so does Mac.”
“I don’t know...when Brumby left she needed me and I turned her away for Renee.”
“Mac understands that...you know when you couldn’t hear you asked me what Mac and I were talking about?”
“Yeah...”
“She asked me to take care of you for her...Harm, Mac cares about you too.”
“I know...its just she is seeing Webb and it drives me crazy.”
“So just be here for her. You’re a good listener. You understand me - most of the time. Can’t you listen to Mac like you do me?”
“Mattie, how did you get so smart?”
“My mother...”
“Well, she’d be proud of you...and so am I.”
“So do you think you and Mac can work things out?”
“I don’t know. I feel like we could but the next time we try will be the last. I don’t think we can handle putting each other through everything again.”
“So don’t hash it out...just admit to each other that you’ve made poor choices and said the wrong things - apologize, forgive and move on. Start being more open and honest and taking the risks. You asked me to take a risk and trust you and look at how that turned out.”
“I’ve had enough of this role reversal for tonight, Mathilda..homework done?”
“Yes it is. Harm, thanks for telling me about Mac and you. I know it wasn’t easy for you and I know that talking to a kid about stuff like that is even weirder - but thanks for not treating me like a little kid about it. It helps me to understand you and it helped me understand why forgiving my father is so important to you...at first I thought it was so you could get rid of me and send me back to him...now I know its so I can be a whole person.”
Harm went to Mattie and pulled her into his arms for a hug. He wanted to hide the tears in his eyes from her. He did tell her again he was proud of her before she kissed his cheek and headed for her room.
Harm was drained from their talk and from thinking about it. When the soft knock sounded on the door he almost missed it. Looking through the peep-hole he saw a very distraught Mac on the other side.
Late Tuesday Night
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
“Mac? What is it? Come in here...” He opened the door and pulled her in to the room closing the door behind her. He kept one hand lightly on her arm, afraid she would cut and run on him. Gently he led her further into the room, not sure if he should sit on the couch with her, hold her, seat her on a stool or at the table. He just stood looking into her tortured, watery eyes and trying to assure her that he was there for her. She must have gotten his message because suddenly she broke his heart when she dissolved into tears in front of him. He tried to make out what she was saying.
“H-ha-ar-rm-m,” she sobbed. “I’m s-sorry - so sorry...need to be held...so stupid...so dirty ..cheap...c-c-can you forgive me...I don’t deserve to have you for a friend...didn’t know what to do...”
Harm knew she was distressed but he wasn’t clear on what was causing her stress. He stood in front of her, slowly rubbing his hands up and down her arms in an attempt to soothe and keep physical contact without her feeling trapped.
“Mac, I’m not sure I got all that. Can I ask you some questions?”
She nodded and gasped for air trying to still her sobs. Her body shook from the aftermath of crying hard and for a long time.
“Where have you been since you left JAG today?”
“Counseling...”
“And?”
“Webb’s...”
“Okay. How did counseling go?”
“Okay...”
“Anything special come from it that you want to share with me?”
Mac nodded and Harm waited.
“Every disagreement has become an excuse to attack.”
“That’s why you became such a tiger in the court?”
“Yeah...and before that...Remember you said sometimes we keep things buried so deep we don’t know who we are until its too late?”
“Yes.”
“I’m a mean...” sob, “...hateful...” sob, “...cheap...” sob, “...bitch.”
“Hey...hey...stop putting yourself down like that.”
“Why? You’ve said it yourself...anyone involved with me is dead or wishes they were.”
“Mac, I was very wrong to say that...I wish I could take those words and a few others back. I lashed out at you and that’s the last thing I should have done. I don’t deserve your friendship pulling stunts like that.”
“No, Harm...you just said what you thought.”
“No, Mac...if I had thought about it I wouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry...I was wrong and there is nothing I can do to take back those words. I die a little inside every time I think about it and how it hurt you.”
“Still...there is some truth in what you said.”
“You said you went to see Webb...” Harm took a deep breath needing to know what happened and dreading it at the same time.
“Yeah...I went to him because he has claimed to love me...he has made it clear he wants me. I needed to feel wanted - needed...”
“I don’t think I want to hear this,” Harm muttered mostly to himself. “Go ahead, I’m listening,” Harm reassured her. Mac had pulled away from him and was pacing between the kitchen and dining area. Harm waited.
“He’d been drinking. I kissed him and tasted the wine on his lips and I wanted more...he pushed me away. I started attacking him and telling him he was the one to proclaim his undying love for me...he threw my past relationships in my face reminding me that I haven’t had a good track record with long term relationships and then he threw you in my face.”
Harm clenched his fists and tried to relax his posture and jaw. He didn’t want Mac misreading his reaction as a reflection on her.
“Then he decided that he wanted me and I fought him - told him he didn’t have what it took to make me happy. He was drunk and I don’t know if he even heard or understood what I was saying. Harm why do I keep running to you when my relationships crumble?”
“Mac, is Webb the man you want? Do you love him - enough to marry him - have his children?”
“No!”
“Then don’t let him seduce you into thinking you do.”
“So who will make me happy?”
“Right now?...I don’t know what will make you happy - other then a good man, a good career and comfortable shoes - but you are the only one that can decide who is the good man that is the right one for you - just like you are the only one that knows if the career and the shoes fit right and are comfortable.”
“But what if the man I think could make me happy doesn’t want me?”
“Then he’s not the right fit...you have to be a friend to have a friend - and I guess you have to give love to get love.”
“Harm today in court you said I made it impossible for you to be my friend...”
“No...I said that to your client.”
“But it works for us too doesn’t it?”
“Yes...we’ve both pushed each other away at times when we should have been drawing each other closer. Navy and Marine pride can be blamed for some of it I suppose...” Harm thought about the story he had told Mattie earlier in the evening. “However, I’ve been learning about all the reasons its good to let people in. Sometimes its still hard...but sometimes it is worth the risk.”
“Being a parent has helped you with that huh?”
“Yeah...and going to an Alanon meeting...I’ve only been to one so far, but it has helped me already have a better understanding as to what Mattie has lived with...and I think its helping me to understand you a little too - I think I’ve found the instruction manual I’ve been looking for...” Harm smiled and Mac returned it, a little weak and watery still, but a start.
Mac was standing still again in front of Harm despite a slight sway as she stood there. Harm put his hands back on her arms to steady her.
“Mac you are exhausted, aren’t you?” She nodded and let herself close her eyes for a second. “Why don’t you crash here?”
“You wouldn’t mind? What about Mattie?”
“Mattie is in her apartment with Jen...besides she would understand that I’m helping a friend here.”
Mac puckered her lips a little fighting back another wave of tears. The one thing that her session with the counselor and the visit with Webb pointed out, is that Harm was the one constant in her adult life and that he was the only one that wasn’t trying to get something for himself out of there relationship...friendship. Mac nodded and suddenly felt so tired she didn’t think she could stand up. Her knees buckled but Harm caught her. He half carried her up the stairs to his bedroom. He sat her on the bed and quickly grabbed a t-shirt for her to use as a nightie.
“Mac...can you get ready for bed on your own?”
“I’ll just lay down like this...”
“Mac...you need some real sleep and you need to be comfortable. Do you want me to help you?”
Mac nodded and Harm started by removing her shoes.
“Mac, stand up and turn around...” Harm directed. Once her back was to him, he lifted her t-shirt over her head and unhitched her bra, thankful it had a back hook. He slid it down her arms and dropped it onto the bed. He dropped the t-shirt over her head and directed her to put her arms in the armholes. He pulled it down and reached around her to undo her jeans and slide them off of her. He tried not to dwell on what he was doing and keep a clinical approach as he undressed her and got her into his t-shirt. Finally he lifted the covers and got her tucked in. He decided that Mac was asleep before her head hit the pillow.
He picked up her clothes and laid them on the dresser. Then he turned off lights in the apartment, locked the door and got himself ready for bed. He slid into bed dressed in boxers and attempted to get comfortable while giving Mac her space. He finally turned his back to her and closed his eyes. He too was asleep immediately.
Early morning
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Sometime during the night, Harm had rolled onto his back and Mac had cuddled up to his warmth. As he opened his eyes in the early morning hours, he found her legs entangled with his, her hand splayed open on his bare chest, and her head resting on his shoulder. He also found that his body had a mind of its own and had betrayed his true desires at the moment. Not thinking it was a good thing to be found in such condition by a confused Marine, he eased himself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Answering natures call and taking a cold shower had restored his safety zone and he returned to the bedroom in clean boxers and a t-shirt to see Mac just waking up.
“Up already?” Mac asked quietly with a slightly nervous smile.
“Yeah...have to fix breakfast before school these days. Feel free to shower if you want.” Harm grabbed his robe and put it on as he went to the kitchen to give Mac some privacy. She was handling this version of the morning after much more calmly then he had feared.
Mac got up and dressed, deciding to go home, shower and dress before work. Stepping into the kitchen she approached Harm and placing a hand lightly on his arm while looking up at him and smiled.
“Thank you for being here for me.”
“Your welcome.”
“I’ll see you at JAG and in court, Counselor?”
“Yes Ma’am.”
Harm watched Mac leave and felt good about this first step. He was sure that things weren’t over between them now. With Mattie’s favorite breakfast ready for her, he poured his coffee and waited for Mattie’s entrance. By the third sip, she was opening the door.
“Morning Harm...WOW! My favorite...what’s up?”
Harm laughed at Mattie. She had informed him that her idea of an ideal breakfast was Swedish pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream. He had made them twice before but not on a school morning.
“Had a little extra time this morning and thought I’d do something a little special. I know its been a tough week - seeing your Dad and going to Alateen. I got up earlier then usual this morning and thought seeing as I had the ingredients I’d make some up.”
“Did you know Mac likes these too?”
“Yeah - I did.”
“Are you going to take some to her?”
“Maybe I will...”
“Harm...I got up once during the night and I thought I saw Mac’s car outside. Did she stop by?”
Harm almost panicked and then decided he needed to be honest with Mattie. “Yes...she was pretty upset and needed a friend.”
“Did you guys fight?”
“No. I let her talk and I caught her when she fell asleep on her feet. She got up early and headed home to get ready for work so I made you your treat.”
“Oh. Then you have to take her some and thank her for me.”
“I will do that.”
“Harm?”
“Mattie, if you are going to give me advice on how to get Mac to reconsider having a more romantic relationship with me..