Title: Take the Road
Author: Hollyjp
Summary: When Harm decides he can’t take it anymore, he looks carefully at the road not taken and decides to see if Mac thinks she’ll ever be ready.
Rating: PG-13 for some intimate details but most sexual situations implied not graphically stated. (It will be in the readers mind as to how hot and steamy the scenes are).
Spoilers: Any episode or spoiler up through Season 9 may be referenced. A lot from Merry Little Christmas through What If.
Disclaimer: JAG is the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount. I have borrowed their characters for entertainment purposes only. No monetary gain will result from their appearance in my story.
TAKE THE ROAD
February 20, 2004
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm lowered himself into the chair behind him and stared at the door of the loft that had just closed between him and Mac. For the second time in less then a year she had walked out that door with him imploring her to be careful. The last time he had ended up going after her. This time he couldn’t. She had been right to reminded him that his hearing and inner ear problems would make him a liability, yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was going to need him before this was over.
He sat there for what seemed like hours before Mattie arrived to join him for dinner and to finish her homework. He always enjoyed their family time together, but tonight he knew he was distracted. He didn’t want her to worry about Mac...she and Mac had grown close as well since Mac’s Christmas magic that had brought Mattie back into his life.
He smiled thinking about how Mac had always just been there - no fanfare. When he went to Russia, she joined him on the plane; when he had tried to negotiate a deal for the black jet she had stepped in with her language skills and put together a deal that worked for all of them; when his first Corvette was stolen and stripped, she retrieved the stick-shift knob that had the gold wings embedded in it; when he was in danger of losing the brother he had just found - she showed up and took it all in stride pitching in and helping; and when he went down at sea she had found something deep inside her that told them where to find him.
Mac was a hero in her own right. She was smart, honest, intuitive, and believed that the truth was as important as he did. She also believed in duty to country and loyalty to friends. They were two of a kind - Mac was just a better kind of person then he was. She would think about things before she spoke - unlike him with the bad habit of saying something before thinking it through and then having to back up and get his foot out of his mouth before he could go on. That was why he took her at her word and he knew it was why she could no longer trust him to be there for her and not hurt her.
“Harm? Harm!” Mattie’s insistent voice pierced his deep thoughts.
“Sorry Mattie. What did I miss?”
“I just asked you where you were. Is everything alright? Did you and Mac have a fight?”
“No...why?”
“Ever since Mac showed up and wanted to speak to you alone you have been preoccupied. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing...I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
“No you aren’t...that’s why you’ve been acting so weird. You’re worried about Mac.”
“Mattie, look. Mac is trained to take on the things we have to face in our job - just like I am. She doesn’t need me to hold her hand or rescue her anymore then I need her sometimes.”
“And you think this is one of those times where she needs help?”
“Mattie, I think this is one of those times that I can’t help - but I would if I could. This time I have to trust that Mac will be able to handle it and that someone else will provide her with back-up if she needs it.”
“Easy to say - not so easy to do?”
“Something like that,” Harm smiled at the perceptive teenager in his care. Sometimes he wasn’t sure if she took care of him or he took care of her. She certainly had made sure he took care of himself while he had been somewhat incapacitated. But then he knew she and Mac had talked about him before his hearing returned and he was determined that he would eventually find out exactly what that exchange had been. For now, he tried to refocus his thoughts on Mattie’s needs and checking her homework. He just hoped Mac would call and let him know when it was over.
Mattie had left while he had been on the phone with Bud. It had felt good to hear his phone ring and be able to hear the caller clearly. One part of him was feeling hopeful that everything would work out, while part of him feared what was to come. Talking with Bud provided a momentary distraction while they discussed a case and made arrangements to work on it the next morning at the office.
After hanging up, he paced awhile and then stood and looked out the window, hoping he would see Mac drive up to tell him it was over and she was safe. By midnight he had given up and gone to bed thinking that if he fell asleep, then Mac would call. It worked. The phone woke him just before 0100.
“Rabb.”
“It’s over.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine...”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really, Harm. I just want to take a shower and get some sleep. I’ll see you at JAG tomorrow.”
“If you’re sure...”
“I’m sure. Sorry to bother you but I knew you’d worry...’night.”
“G’night, Mac. Call if you need anything...” Harm heard the dial tone signally that she had hung up before she heard him.
It was almost worse after she had called. Her voice was flat and emotionless. He suspected that she was trying to build walls around herself. His gut told him that she had needed to kill Sadik. While part of him wanted to celebrate that she had succeeded in taking him out, a part of him recalled the tumultuous emotions that a person could go through afterwards.
From sick to your stomach at the thought of what you had to resort to - the taking of a human life - to the euphoria of triumph, to the self-doubts as to whether or not your actions were justifiable, sometimes anger, guilt, fear, and hate fought for control. Circumstances may impact the severity of the reaction, but so far he had been able to accept his actions and move on. He hoped Mac was able to do the same.
While he did not find it easy to ask for help, he had been fortunate enough to have the strength and wisdom of men like Tom Boone and even AJ Chegwidden around to say the words he needed to hear that helped him through the tough times. He hoped he would know the right words to use for Mac if she needed him. He hoped that she would get the benefit of a psychologists which he knew first hand to be part of the CIA debriefing procedures. It certainly had helped him during his brief stint with the agency.
Next day-Saturday morning
JAG Headquarters
Fall Church, Virginia
“Hey Bud, you ready to tackle the latest on the Miravelis case?” Harm asked as he poked his head into the Lieutenants office.
“Morning, sir. Ready as I’ll be I guess.”
They had worked for several hours going over the case. Harm wasn’t sure if the admiral was keeping him on the case or letting Bud take it alone. He had approached their work as if Bud was taking the lead over.
“Thank you sir. This has been very insightful. You seem sure that the Admiral is going to leave the case with me.”
“Why wouldn’t he Bud? You’re a good lawyer. I thought we’d gotten you over the self-doubting phase, Mister.”
“Yes sir. It’s just when a big case comes up and I still think that the admiral is going to automatically look to you or the Colonel to take it on.”
“Bud, the Admiral knows that the best way to keep his team strong is to have all of us up to speed on all kinds of cases. You’ve got to get over this hurdle once and for all Bud.”
“Yes, sir. I know it in my head, but I guess I just haven’t internalized it yet. I am getting there sir.”
“Yes you are. Hey Bud, have you seen the Colonel today?”
“No, but being Saturday I didn’t think she’d be in. Were you expecting her?”
“Not really, but when I talked to her last night I thought she said she’d be here today. Must have misunderstood - something I’m really good at these days Bud.”
“Because of your hearing problem sir?”
Harm had to smile at that, “No Bud, I’m just beginning to realize that what the Colonel says and means is not always a match.”
“You and the Colonel do have a way of talking around each other at times, sir.”
“We do, don’t we Bud. You know, having to read Mattie has helped me get a clearer handle on Mac - sometimes. You’d think after this many years, we’d be better at understanding each other.”
“I think you both understand where the other is coming from in your heads, sir, but like me, neither of you trust yourself when you get into new territory with each other. When that happens, your doubts and insecurities show up. You cover them up by getting cocky - like the pilot you are and the Colonel pulls out the tough Marine and hides behind her training too.”
Harm thought a minute then looked at Bud with a smile, “You’re good, Bud. That’s why you shouldn’t doubt yourself.”
“Thank you sir. I guess its always easier to see it in someone else then in yourself isn’t it.”
“Yes, Bud, it is.” Harm glanced at his watch. “I’ve got to go. Mattie’s got a volleyball meet today and I promised her I’d be there. See you Monday Bud.”
That Evening
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
While waiting for dinner to cook and Mattie to get home, Harm decided to try and call Mac. Her answering machine picked up.
“Hey, Mac. It’s Harm. Missed you at JAG this morning. Hope you’re okay. Look, Mattie and I will be eating around 1800 if you want to join us. Nothing fancy - Lasagna - half veggie, half with dead animal- garlic bread and a salad. I promise I won’t push, but I’m here if you need someone to talk to...I’m learning to be a better listener, I promise...okay. At least call me when you get my message.” Harm hung up the phone and went to set the table. He decided to be optimistic and set the table for three people.
Harm looked up as he saw Mattie come threw the door. “Hey, Mattie...nice game.”
“Thanks Harm,” she smiled at him. “I wasn’t sure if you’d make it. I know that sometimes JAG has to come first...”
“But it doesn’t make it any easier when you want to see someone there cheering you on, does it?” Harm smiled as he walked toward Mattie and reached out to pull her into a quick hug. She hugged him back.
“Hey - we expecting company?” Mattie asked noticing the three place settings on the table.
“Maybe...I left a message for Mac to join us if she could. Do you mind?”
“No...I like Mac.”
“So are you going to tell me what you two were talking about when she was here and I couldn’t hear?”
“No.” Mattie grinned at her guardian as she pulled out a stool to wait for dinner.
“No? Now I really think you should tell me - none of this keeping secrets stuff.”
“Now Harm, I can see where you’d get worried, but I promise we didn’t say anything too bad about you...” Just then there was a knock on the door. “I’ll get it!”
Mattie remembered to check through the peep hole and so she was smiling when she opened the door to reveal Mac.
“Hi Mattie. Harm home?”
“Yeah...come on in.”
“Hey, Mac...did you get my message?”
“No...I’ve been gone all day...what’s up?”
“I called to invite you to join us for dinner.”
“Thanks but...”
“It’s lasagna - half and half...” Harm knew she like it so he decided to try to tempt her taste buds.
“Okay...but I’m not sure I’ll be very good company.”
“You don’t have to be. Just join us - okay?”
Mac agreed and the three of them set down for dinner. Mattie and Harm told Mac all about Mattie’s volleyball game and enjoyed teasing each other through out the meal. All the while Harm watched Mac’s face for signs that she was going to bolt. He didn’t see anything there. He noticed that she seemed to be more relaxed as the evening wore on.
Together they had done dishes and then shown Mac the specs on the most recent batch of houses the realtor had given them. They talked about what they wanted and didn’t want in housing and how being a home owner would change things for Harm with having up-keep on the place, lawn care, all the things he didn’t have to worry about now. Harm was thoughtful for a minute and then turned to Mac and Mattie with a smile.
“You know what, a year ago that probably would have scared me.”
“And it doesn’t now?” asked Mac.
“No. I like the idea. I’ve always enjoyed tackling home improvement projects. I did fix this place up, remember?”
“True.” Mac thought a minute and then looked at Mattie, “You’re a settling influence on this man, young lady. Congratulations.”
“You know what Mac, I don’t think he’s changed that much...just realized what would make him happiest...”
“Alright you two! Don’t talk about me like I’m not even here.”
“I thought you wanted to know what we talked about concerning you?” Mattie grinned.
“I do - I did...” He pointed a finger at them - first one then the other. “Two against one isn’t fair.”
“Just think Harm, if you get married someday and have a daughter, you’ll always be outnumbered.” Mattie laughed.
Harm glanced at Mac, wondering if she was thinking about the baby deal at that moment as he was.
“I suppose if my daughter looked like me and had her mother’s brains, it would be okay...” Harm stopped as he saw the little smile and the shiny eyes warning him that she was almost ready to cry.
Mattie sensed that her guardian and Mac may be close to a hallmark moment and excused herself, claiming the need to do laundry.
“Mac...”
“No Harm...I can’t go there with you tonight...I don’t even want to think about it...I...”
“What Mac? What can I do for you?”
“Nothing! There’s nothing you or anyone can do. I did it all, Harm. I went in there and I faced Sadik. I stayed a step ahead of him and I killed him.”
“Mac, its never easy dealing with the aftermath of a situation like that. Get some help dealing with it if you can.”
“From who? CIA? A shrink? Webb? You?”
“Any one of those sources are an option.”
“I can’t deal with this tonight Harm. I don’t want to discuss it with you...”
“Mac, you said earlier that you hadn’t gotten my message. Why did you come over?”
“I just didn’t want to be alone.”
“You’re not. You can come here whenever you need to.”
“I lucked out tonight finding you home and willing to let me in.”
“Mac...I’m sorry about the times I haven’t been there for you. I want to change that.”
“Thanks. I’m going to go home and get some sleep.”
“Didn’t sleep well last night?”
“Not at all...but I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t push, alright?”
“Alright. I’m here if you need me.”
“I know...good-night.”
Harm watched from his window to make sure she got into her car okay. He saw her drive away. His Marine was in for a long haul he thought, as he contemplated the level of her denial regarding her need for support.
Monday Morning
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm and Mac met first thing with Judge Helfman to review the status of the Miravelis case.
“You’re telling me that after all this the case is being reopened as a Capital case with new attorneys and that in fact one if not both of you will be called as witnesses?”
“Yes, your Honor.” Mac and Harm answered together.
“It is my understanding then that we can close out the original case and that a new judge will be taking the case over. Is that correct Commander Rabb?”
“Yes your Honor. That is my understanding.”
“Colonel Mackenzie?”
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Case closed. Commander, Colonel...I must say that your cases always seem to be very eventful. I only hope that I’m not the only one that gets to ‘enjoy’ your antics.”
Harm gave her a sheepish grin and glanced at Mac, “Our apologies Your Honor.”
As Mac and Harm left the judges office Mac looked at him, “Since when are you authorized to give apologies on my behalf?”
“What?” Harm stopped and looked at Mac. “I’m sorry if I overstepped the bounds, Colonel. I was just trying to be gracious and get us out of there.”
“Why?”
“”Because I happen to agree with Commander Helfman. It does seem that many of our battles in the courtroom have been with her. I suppose the fact that she’s the same rank as us makes it easier for us to push the limits with her.”
“Well, speak for yourself next time and leave me out of it.” Mac spun on her heel and stalked away from Harm to return to her office.
Harm watched her go and returned to his own office. He tried putting Mac out of his mind so that he could concentrate on his work.
Tuesday Morning
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm and Mac had been called to the Admiral’s office first thing after arriving that morning. He briefed them on a case about an ex-marine that had been hired by a school to do a presentation about his part in Panama which had resulted in his being honored with a medal. The medal turned out to be bogus and he was wearing an unauthorized uniform as well.
Mac seemed in a hurry to get started. She was different from the Mac that he had talked to on the phone and who had joined them for dinner the other night. He watched and listened with interest as she interrupted the Admiral again and took his reprimand with obvious impatience. Mac was assigned to defend the Marine while Harm would prosecute. Mac seemed ready to go at it and Harm found himself debating between humor at her gung-ho attitude and approach and concern that this was not normal for Mac. She was usually much more in control and often chastised him for not thinking things out.
After the Admiral dismissed them, he headed back to his office to begin his research. Coates stopped him to take a call from Mattie’s father. He wanted to see his daughter now that he had finished two months in rehab without a drink. Harm gritted his teeth and found it in himself to do the right thing.
“Okay Mr. Johnson...I’ll talk to Mattie tonight and then we’ll plan on dinner - say tomorrow evening?”
“That would be great sir...Let me bring a pizza - I know Mattie’s always liked pizza.”
“That would be fine. How will you get here?”
“I’ll take the train in.”
“I’d be glad to pick you up.”
“That’s okay - maybe a ride back afterwards?”
“Done. We’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Johnson.
That Evening
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
“Mattie, your Dad called today. He wants to see you.”
“Well, I don’t want to see him.”
“I know you don’t - but he has the right to spend time with you and I think you should. I’ll be right here with you...I promise.”
“I know...”
“And I know you can handle this Mattie.”
“Yeah...but can you Harm? Can you handle him being a jerk?”
“Mattie, we are going to give him a chance. It’s the least we can do after the work and effort he’s put in to change.”
“I know...”
“Come here...” Harm took Mattie in his arms for a reassuring hug. “Even if you go back and are living with your Dad someday, you can always call me...I’ll always be here for you.”
“Even if there’s a Mrs. Harm and some little Rabb-its crawling around someday?”
“Even then, Mattie, even then.” Harm chuckled at her description of his dream for the future. He had never thought of his children as rabbits and he doubted at his age he would father as many as that, but the image in his mind was cute non-the-less.
Friday
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm leaned back in his chair thinking about the week. He was exhausted. It had been a rough one. First the visit with Mattie’s dad had been less then stellar. He was upset that Mattie was upset. Her words about being happier before she met him had hurt and came back to haunt him at odd moments. He hoped that he had done the right thing telling Mattie that he had been embarrassed by her behavior.
When he had taken her father back to the center he had been pleased that the two of them had been able to talk openly. Mr. Johnson had explained that he understood Mattie was hurt and that it wasn’t going to be easy for her to be able to accept him back into her life, but that he wanted her to heal and be able to move on. He feared that without more support it would never happen.
At first Harm had thought his efforts as a parent were being questioned, but then Mr. Johnson had gone on to explain that part of his rehab was finding ways that he could help heal the wounds. They talked about the value of support groups and how the other people were having their spouses and significant others as well as the children attend support groups designed for them. They could hear how others experienced similar situations and they could then talk through issues without fear of judgement and without being able to avoid the real issues.
He asked Harm if he would try and get Mattie to go to an alateen group meeting. When Harm had agreed he suggested that he come in and pick up some material. While he was looking at the Ala-teen material, he discovered the support groups for spouses and significant others. One line jumped out at him from one of the brochures:
“Even if you or someone you love grew up in a family with an alcoholic, you may need to learn about the long lasting effects, typical issues and coping strategies.”
While part of his brain was focused on the best way to help Mattie, the other part of his brain was focused on the women he loved. Here may be the instruction manual he’d been looking for to help him understand Mac. He picked up several flyers and was pleased to find that one of the Ala-teen groups met at the teen center near him - the one that Mattie already went to with her friends. That may or may not be in her favor, but knowing that another was available a short drive away, he decided to take a chance.
After praising Tom Johnson again and thanking him for his advice, he shook his hand and said, “Tom, as much as I’ve grown to love Mattie as if she were my daughter, I value the biological bond between a father and a child. I lost my father and I’ve seen the challenges my best friend has faced growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother that abandoned her. She waited until it was too late to really make a difference to her by reestablishing the bonds with her father.
“I was lucky enough to have a step-father that loved me like his own son and although it was years before I could appreciate what he had done for me, I know now more then ever how important he was in my life. I don’t want the same things to happen to Mattie. Thank you for giving me a chance to be there for her and to share her with you.”
“Your welcome...and before this becomes a ‘hallmark moment’ that neither of us can handle, I’ll say good-night.”
“Good-night, Tom. Call me when you get a chance.”
“I will, Harm, thanks.”
The next morning Mattie had been quiet, but pleasant when he took her to school. As he had hoped she found the flyers he had left in the car for her. He allowed her to take control of the situation by cutting a deal - agreeing to go if he would forgive her. He had smiled not wanting her to know too soon that he had already forgiven her. They shook on it and he had walked her in to school and spoken to a couple of her teachers to see if things were okay. After getting positive reports, and appreciation for showing his interest, he had gone on to work.
After he got home that evening he had dropped Mattie off at the teen center and gone to a support meeting for male family members in a church basement two streets over. He had introduced himself and explained that he was there because of his ward and his best friend. He was welcomed and he listened to the other members talk about things they were dealing with. One guy was saying how every time his wife lashed out at him he use to give it back to her but that after hearing them talk about how important it is for the child of an alcoholic to feel in control he had looked for other ways to handle things.
“Last week you said that your girlfriend was blaming you for doing and saying the things she was feeling in regards to herself and I discovered that my wife does the same thing. She blamed me for wanting to get a divorce when in fact she was afraid I wanted a divorce because of the way she had been acting. Instead of getting mad at her like I use to do, I just calmly but firmly said, ‘No Honey. I don’t want a divorce, and I don’t want to fight...I think you are afraid that I will want to divorce you because you’ve been mean lately.’”
“What happened then?” someone else in the group asked.
“I walked away. As a matter of fact I went out in the kitchen and put the dishes away.”
“And what did your wife do?”
“She watched me walk away and then she went into the living room and watched TV.”
Harm’s mind had gone on high alert. What a coincidence that this very conversation would come up tonight. The things he heard made sense. He could see Mattie and Mac in the people that these men talked about. When they got back around to Harm they asked him if he had anything he wanted to share with the group.
“What I have heard here makes a lot of sense to me. I asked my best friend for an instruction manual because I just haven’t been able to figure out what she needs from me. She told me it was really simple and that I just hadn’t figured it out. We’ve talked about taking our relationship to a different level, but we’re never on the same page at the same time. When she wanted to move forward, I wasn’t ready - I needed more time. She thought I didn’t want her and she got involved with someone else. We remained friends, and then when I was ready to move forward, she wasn’t.
I thought we were getting to where we were both ready but I was wrong. I’ve tried to move on and I know it’s not going to work. I’m willing to be her friend as long as she will let me, but lately she hasn’t even wanted to be friends. She’s almost always busy. Her personality seems so different lately. Usually she accuses me of making things too complicated. Last week she said I always make things to simple. My head spins trying to figure her out.”
“You have a ward as well?”
“Yes. She’s fifteen. She lives with a friend down the hall from me, but I am her guardian. I’m trying to help her re-connect with her father while assuring her that she will never have to be alone in this world again. He’s in rehab and is doing well after two months. It was his suggestion that she and I come to support group meetings.”
“Harm you have taken on a lot of responsibility and although it won’t be easy, I think you will find our group helpful.”
“I already have. I feel like you’ve given me some pages to the instructional manual I’ve been looking for.” Every one laughed a little at his comment.
“Although we are a men’s group once a week, we also are part of a mixed group once a week. You are welcome to come to either or both groups. Also, once a month we have family night and members come with their family members and we have a pot luck supper and share our celebrations and brainstorm our problems. You are welcome to bring your ward and friend.”
“Thank you. I will keep that in mind.”
He had been awake long into the night thinking about the things he and Mac had said to each other over the years and especially in Paraguay. With his new insight, he tried different responses in his head after analyzing what she might have really meant. He had finally fallen asleep feeling like he had some answers.
Mac had been out of control in the court room yesterday.. She was acting more like he had years ago - reckless, careless, anything goes. She had however, pushed the judge too far and had been told she would be held in contempt. As he had been on his way out she was just leaving and he decided to be very calm and gentle with her.
“Hey Tiger, can I walk you out?”
“Harm I don’t know what happened to me in there today. I lost it and I just couldn’t get it back.”
“Colonel...My office, now.” Admiral Chegwidden had spoken in a calm cool voice.
Mac had gone and as much as Harm had wanted to wait for her, he decided to give her some space. He left a note on her car window saying he’d be home and to call if he wanted. She hadn’t.
Earlier today they had been talking. Mac had accused him of never admitting to making mistakes.
“Come on Harm! When was the last time you admitted to being wrong about anything?”
“Oh- you want to get personal?”
“Yeah - maybe I do.”
“Alright - I’m the one with grown-up responsibilities now, Mattie, the house I’m trying to buy - at least I’m finally letting people into my life.”
“Toys. What happens when you get bored with suburbia, Harm? Are you going to lose interest in Mattie like you did your brother? He preferred life in Russia to being ignored by you. Yet you fight to draw people into your circle, just so you can push them away again!”
“You know - this isn’t about me losing interest in Mattie. You think I’m losing interest in you.”
He had walked away then and left her standing in JAG Ops looking after him. She had nothing to say. He hadn’t lashed out at her and now he understood what was happening it made it harder to be angry. He was grateful for the insight just one session with the support group had given him.
When he had picked Mattie up after her session she was quiet and introspective. He let her have some time to process it on her own and then as they parked the car he had asked her if she was okay. She had nodded.
“Mattie, if and when you want to talk about anything, I want you to know I’ll listen.”
“I know. I have a lot to think about after tonight.”
“Me too.”
“You?”
“Yeah...I went to my own group that helps people understand how to help the people they love to cope and to heal.”
“Really?”
“Yeah...I figured I could learn something and I have two people that grew up with alcoholic fathers that I need to know how to understand and how to help.”
“Me and Mac - right?”
“Yeah.”
“Harm?”
“Yes Mattie?”
“I’m sorry I said I was happier before I met you.”
“I know, kiddo. At that moment you weren’t happy with me and that’s okay. Sometimes I am going to make decisions that you are not going to like - but I do it because I love you and want what’s best for you.”
Mattie nodded and got out of the car giving Harm a hug and keeping her arm around his waist as they climbed the stairs together.
Now thinking back on that moment last night and Mac’s reaction to his new approach today, he realized that in fact there were times he needed to take a simple approach and other times things would get very complicated, however, his happiness would depend on how well he was able to pick up the signs and adjust to the moment. If he could, then he could help Mattie and Mac and in doing so, maybe have everything he had always wanted but didn’t know how to go about getting.
Friday Evening
Mattie’s School
Washington D.C.
Harm had gone to watch Mattie play volleyball after work and waited for her to shower so they could go grab a bite to eat and do some shopping. While he waited he saw one of the fathers that he had met at group. They had nodded to each other but not spoken. A short time later, Mattie had come out of the locker room laughing with one of the girls on the team. The girls walked toward him and he figured Mattie was going to ask if her friend could join them. He was going to have to say no as he had brought the Corvette.
“Harm, I want you to meet Nina. She’s on the team and we’ve recently discovered we have quite a bit in common.”
“Nina, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Mattie talks about you a lot, sir.”
“I’m sure you got an earful when she was mad at me the other day,” Harm smiled.
“Actually, she always brags about how lucky she is that she’s got a second chance at a family - one that really cares about her.”
“Really?”
“It’s true Harm...”
“We’ll talk about this later,” Harm cautioned her to let it go for now.
“Did you bring the SUV today?”
“No, sorry.”
“Sorry Nina...no room. Maybe next time.”
“It’s okay. My dad’s waiting anyway.” Nina walked away then and Harm saw her go to the guy he had recognized from group.
“Mattie, remind me next time and I will bring the SUV so you can bring a friend with us.”
“It’s okay, Harm, really. Her Step-dad isn’t the problem...her real father was drunk and killed himself about five years ago along with her grandparents. Her Mother is having a tough time dealing with it all. The anniversary of their deaths is this weekend.”
“Tell you what. Maybe tomorrow you can call and invite her over for dinner and a movie or something.”
“What about a sleep over?”
“We’ll talk to Jen about it. Maybe not this time, but sometime maybe we can arrange something. Mac might even be willing to help out.”
They arrived at the Corvette and Mattie threw her arms around her guardian again to hug him before jumping in the car so they could head to the mall.
2315 Local
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Mattie kissed Harm’s cheek as she dragged herself off to her room. After her game, which they had won, she and Harm had gone out to eat. From there Harm had taken Mattie shopping at the mall. Most of the time they had window shopped but a few times Mattie saw things that caught her eye. She had ended up with a new pair of pants, a top, a sweater, a skirt and a new pair of shoes. She had also convinced Harm to buy a new shirt, made of a soft jersey knit in a dark red shade. After that they had gone to the grocery store and then finished off the evening with an ice cream sundae.
By the time Mattie went to bed, Harm was feeling good but was exhausted. He had tried not to think about Mac all evening, and had been somewhat successful. However, the quiet apartment and his exhaustion brought his thoughts of Mac all back to him.
He was worried about her. He wanted to help her but he wasn’t sure exactly how to do that. All he could do was be here if she needed him. He stood up to shut off the light and go to bed when he heard a slight noise at his door. He wondered if it was Mattie coming back to see him. He opened the door and there stood Mac, with the deer-in-the-head-lights look.
“Mac, what’s wrong? Come in...”
“No that’s alright...I shouldn’t have bothered you.”
“Never mind that...I was still up...Come on in.” He reached to pull her into the room and shut the door but she pulled away from him.
“I knew I shouldn’t have come here!”
Mac held up his hands in front of him and stepped back. “I won’t touch you Mac. Just come in and sit down.”
“Of course...the great moral Harmon Rabb wouldn’t ever touch someone like me would they?” Mac’s voice was sarcastic. Harm knew immediately that she was trying to provoke him. He fought to stay calm and focused so he could figure out what it was Mac was really getting at.
“What no witty come back, Harm?”
“Do you want a seat?”
“Nope. I’ve got one,” Mac smiled a devilish smile as she turned her back toward him and ran her hands over her rear end, while looking over her shoulder at him.
Harm kept his voice as soft and sincere as he could when he responded, “Yes you do Mac. You are a very beautiful woman.”
“Then why won’t you even try to touch me?” Mac cried out as she crumpled into the chair near the coffee table.
“Is that what you want?”
“Yes...NO...I don’t know!”
“And that’s why I haven’t touched you...when I do it will be because it is what we both want and it will be for the same reason.” Harm explained.
Mac fought to regain control and then looked at Harm as she stood and stiffened her spine, “Another excuse falls in your lap and you look like a hero again, huh Harm?”
“Mac, you are testing me again. Earlier today you wanted to see if I was still interested in you. God help me, because I am. Tonight you are trying to see if I will treat you as poorly as you feel about yourself. I won’t anymore...I’ve done it too many time in the past. I will help you however I can, but touching you now as part of your ‘dare’ or whatever this is, is only going to make you feel worse about your self. I don’t want to do that to you...I care about you too much.”
Harm watched as Mac again dissolved in tears and moved toward the door. “Why don’t you have a cup of tea before you leave?”
“Because I want to get out of here and hide.”
“You don’t need to...but I want to make sure you’re going to be okay to drive.”
Mac took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I’ll be fine Harm. I really need to go.”
Harm watched her walk out his door again and as much as it pained him, he knew he had to let her go.
Monday
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm sat at his desk reviewing his notes one more time before court. As he had worked on the case at home over the weekend, he realized that there were parallels between the defendant’s situation and the one he found himself in with Mac. He wanted to be there for her but she wouldn’t let him, or anyone it seemed, close enough to help. He knew that he was working to get beyond that habit himself and that it wasn’t easy. His comment to her that he had finally started letting people into his life was true.
On one level, Mattie didn’t allow him to shut himself off from her. She nagged him and teased and did whatever she could to wheedle his thoughts and feelings out of him, resorting to her own interpretations when he wasn’t forth coming with them on his own.
On another level, he wanted to. First it was because he wanted to let Mattie see she could trust him; later it was because he wanted to set a good example for his ward, then because he had come to realized that people got the same kind of satisfaction helping him that he got from helping others, and finally, since his recent injury it was because he liked that feeling of being cared about. Harm wanted Mac to feel that for herself.
As Harm was coming to understand what made Mattie tick, he also was learning keys to try with Mac. Setting things up so that Mattie discovered the Alateen program gave her an out, even though she saw through him. Harm was beginning to wonder if there was a way he could make a subtle statement that could get Mac thinking about some things he wanted to convey to her, without her feeling like he was getting in her face, criticizing, or attacking her. He had left a list in the case file that he had made over the weekend. He picked it up and looked at it one more time before he needed to go. He had wanted Mac to understand that she had set up roadblocks to their friendship by shutting him out and had started his list of thoughts he wanted her to consider.
Being a loner puts you on the outside looking in (I know from experience).
To have a friend, you must be a friend.
When you want people to take you at your word, then you need to choose your words carefully.
Everyone lashes out at times but a sincere apology goes a long way to healing the hurt words cause.
Everyone needs help sometime.
Harm put his things back in the folder and headed for the courtroom. Mac was already there and he nodded to her as he got his things together. He would be calling the defendant to the stand first thing today. Harm questioned his honesty and why there was no evidence to support his statements. The defendant had admitted that he was a jerk and no one liked him very much.
The words seemed so right for the case, something that would make the defendant cringe, the jury think and Mac take notice. They spilled from Harm gently all the same as if they had a life of there own.
“That’s the problem with being a loner. You’re always on the outside looking in,” Harm had turned his attention to the defendant. “ You make it impossible to be a friend,” he turned toward Mac, “...then you wonder why you feel so alone.” He turned away then to look at the jury. You could have hear a pin drop and the echo of its sound in the quiet courtroom. As Harm returned to his seat he glanced at Mac. She acknowledged him with a nod, but didn’t hold his gaze.
Harm knew that at some level his remark had hit home. The case had gone into recess before lunch and would not resume until the next day to give the defense attorney time to try to bring in someone that could corroborate her clients words. The judge had been a little reluctant until Mac had asked for a side bar and with Harm at her side had explained to the judge that she also had an appointment that would prevent her from being able to corroborate his story and return to the courtroom today.
“Sir, I have another appointment that cannot be changed. It was order by my CO and its today.”
“Any objections to this request Commander Rabb?”
“No Your Honor.”
“Very well, step back.” Once they had, he dismissed the court. “We will reconvene at 0900 tomorrow morning.”
Harm watched as Mac and her client left to go to her office to talk. He would love to know what she had said to him in there, because he had seen the man leave her office looking like he had been chastised.
Mac had shut her door, shutting all of them out and then a short time later had secured her office and left for the day. She had glanced at Harm across the bullpen but had not given anyone a chance to intercept her.
Monday night
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm had said goodnight to Mattie half an hour ago and had fixed himself a cup of tea. He was enjoying the quiet and reflecting back on the talk he and Mattie had over dinner and even while she had done her homework. Between passing the vegetables and a second napkin, she had turned those trusting eyes of hers on him and asked him a question he had battled with for years.
“Harm, why haven’t you and Mac ever dated?”
“It’s complicated...”
“Harm don’t even think you are going to get away with that as an answer. Tell me the truth.”
“Mattie, it is complicated,” he held up a hand to indicate that she needed to give him more time before she jumped in again. “At first I was fairly open with Mac because she looked so much like a friend of mine that had been murdered and I would forget once in awhile that I didn’t already really know Mac. Of course, all the little things I had used to impress women in the past, didn’t work with Mac.”
“So you did make a pass at her!” Mattie cried gleefully.
“I wouldn’t call it a pass, but if she had shown interest at that point, yeah, I probably would have asked her out and bent the rules. When we were introduced, Admiral Chegwidden even told us not to get too comfortable with each other because we had to work together.”
“So old Baldy strikes again...”
“Mattie.” Harm used his disproving tone with her, one that she didn’t hear to often.
“Sorry...It’s just it seems like he’s spoiled your happiness a few times.”
“Not really...but that’s another story. Which one you want me to focus on?”
“You and Mac.”
“Okay...where was I?”
“Mac didn’t like you much at first, huh?”
“She didn’t trust me. She said I had a nice smile that probably got me what I wanted most of the time, but it wasn’t going to work on her.”
“And you saw a challenge?”
“No. I saw a very determined Marine, beautiful as she was, that didn’t trust and I knew that if we were going to work together I had to put aside my interest and focus on gaining her trust. There was just something about Mac even then that told me she was special and that I needed to clean up my act with her. I became so determined to gain her trust that I made sure she had no reason not to trust me. It became standard operating procedure around her. I let her set the pace at first. I offered friendship and respected her as a Marine officer.”
“Wow...that’s really kind of cool and romantic.”
“Yeah, well, if any guy tries stuff with you I hope you have the confidence and strength that Mac had putting me in my place.”
“Oh, Harm...tell me more...please?”
“Mac and I fell into a pattern working together. We worked well together but the first time we went against each other as opposing counsel, well...it didn’t go well. Bud was assisting her and he had worked with me enough to know that I go at it with everything I’ve got in the courtroom...but when I leave the courtroom I leave everything there as well. Mac didn’t understand that or how I could do that and so it was hard on her. I offered to take her to lunch and she about decked me - compared me to a bilge switch even!”
“Oh gross! You were that bad?”
“Still am, but I’ve learned more finesse...still after a while Mac and I kept learning more about each other and learning to trust more. We started spending off hours together running, working out, flying - well we only flew one time. I screwed up and we ended up setting down in a clearing. While we were trying to get help we stumbled across some poachers and one of them got her with some buck shot in her thigh...God that was horrible...if I had only paid more attention to what I was doing I might have caught that the line was worn. Anyway, we ended up in even more trouble trying to get out of there; Mac’s leg got infected and we ended up having to kill a couple of them to get away...Mac’s never been up in ‘Sarah’ with me since.”
“Isn’t Mac’s first name Sarah?”
“Yeah...coincidence. My bi-plane is named after my grandmother Rabb.”
“Wow...quite a coincidence.”
“I actually think Mac was jealous at first.”
“And you had to tease her with it didn’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Oh Harm...we’ve got to work with you if you and Mac are ever going to be able to get together.”
“That’s probably not going to happen, Mattie. I think we’ve let that part of our lives go by. I do hope we can be ‘best friends’ again though...”
Mattie saw the sadness in his face and knew that Harm wanted more but was afraid to hope for that much. As they cleaned up the table and did dishes she kept him talking about his life with Mac.
So were either of you dating other people back then?”
“At first, no, but then I ran into the widow of one of my roommates from the Academy and I had always had a thing for her. After her husband was killed I tried helping her out some. They had a little boy and I use to try to take the place of his father once in awhile. She even relocated to Maryland where we could be closer. Actually it was a job offer that brought her east, but it did let us at least try a relationship. We tried but it was for all the wrong reasons and I did something really stupid and she got mad at me. She wouldn’t let me see her son anymore either. It hurt...that I couldn’t see her son...not that we hadn’t worked out.”
“What did you do Harm?”
“I didn’t set a good example for him and basically was telling him it was okay to lie as long as he confessed and apologized later. I was wrong and I knew it, but it was a too late then.”
“Darn..why couldn’t I have known you before you learned that one!” Mattie laughed.
Harm shook his finger at her and grinned as he said, “I have learned a few things and I’m a wiser man. Don’t try it with me, I’m warning you.”
“I won’t Harm. So tell me more about you and Mac.”
“Mac was seeing a guy named Dalton Lowne and she even left JAG to try work as a civilian lawyer for a while. I was jealous, but it was because I wanted the life he had and if I hadn’t been in the Navy then I would have had it - the Porsche, the classy woman...anyway that’s what I convinced myself. I ended up getting in trouble and Mac ended up defending me and proving my innocence. After that she decided to ask the Admiral to take her back at JAG and he did.”
“What did you do, Harm?”
“Another story Mattie...more Mac? or another time?”
“More Mac...I’ll even work on my homework while you talk.”
“Okay...let me know if you need help.”
“I will.”
“Anyway, a few months later, Mac hit a run of bad luck. Dalton was killed, the detective that investigated turned out to be stalking Mac and then her husband showed up that she hadn’t seen in years and she ended up killing him in self defense. She was arrested and I got to defend her that time. We had an Australian, Mic Brumby, on an exchanged program working with us at JAG and he started hitting on Mac. At first he thought there was something between us and I denied it saying we were only friends. By then, Mac and I had come to rely on each other. We were always there for each other. Mac had followed me to Russia and helped me learn about my father - and that story you’ve heard.”
“I know...keep talking.”
“Well anyway it was during this time that Chloe left to live with her grandparents, and Harriet and Bud had baby AJ and Mac’s father died and my first Corvette was stolen and I had my eyes repaired so I could fly again anytime. I was also dating a Navy psychiatrist. Anyway, I decided that I wanted to try returning to active duty as a fighter pilot. It was too little too late and after a six month tour my designator was changed again and I returned to JAG. It was hard to adjust because I felt like I had only been gone a week and everyone had moved on without me.”
“Didn’t everyone stay in touch while you were away? - letters, email, cell phones...”
“No. So many people were hurt that I was leaving JAG that I didn’t think they would want to hear from me. I did exchange a few emails with Mac...but I think we were all trying to move on. I missed her so much...and I missed JAG. I was glad to come back. I was still trying to adjust to my newly chosen life when we ended up in Australia on a case. Bud and I were sent down first. Brumby was working the case on that end. Mac ended up joining us and then things got nasty between me and Brumby. He had always bugged me - as a matter of fact I use to call him ‘Bug-me’ especially to Bud and the Gunny. Anyway, tension was running high; we were opposing counsel; my client and a witness got into it and the next thing I knew Mic and I had connected with Bud Roberts jaw at the same time. The Admiral showed up not long after that and that was not one of my better moments.”
“Get in trouble, big time?”
“Oh yeah - with a non-judicial punishment.”
“What’s that mean?”
“The Admiral had Brumby and I strip blouses and ‘inflict an equal amount of pain on each other as Lt. Roberts had suffered,’ I believe was how he put it. I felt horrible about Bud getting hurt and I think I actually hated Brumby at that point as well. He obviously didn’t like me and he used his skills as a professional boxer to make sure I knew that.”
“Oh my God, Harm! He could have killed you!”
“Mattie, have a little faith in me...I’ve always been a scrapper and I keep myself in top shape. I’ve even trained with Marine Force Recon and Navy Seals, so he took his share of punishment as well.”
“What did Mac think of it all?”
“She was so concerned about poor Bud, that she didn’t have much sympathy for either of us. Anyway, while we were in Australia, Mac let me know that she was interested in us getting involved. I wasn’t ready to make the kind of commitment that I thought she deserved and I had sort of a planned time table in my head. Of course I didn’t express myself as well as I should have and when I said ‘not yet’ she took it to mean that I never would be...so when Mic proposed almost the next night, she considered it...Need help with that one?” Harm stopped to ask Mattie as she erased her work and started over.
“No...put it in the wrong place is all. Keep going...”
“Mac wore Mic’s ring on her right hand for several months before she moved it to the left hand and started planning their wedding, but in the meantime, I worried about what it would mean to us and never told her that I wanted her to wait for me to be ready...I never told her what I had envisioned as my plan...and I almost lost her. We did stay friends...I guess the fact that she had Mic in her life and I had met Renee who chased after me until it was easier to go out with her then have no one...gave us almost a sense of security as if we thought we would be immune to each other because we were both involved with other people.”
“So what happened to change Mac’s mind about marrying that guy?”
“Well, I guess I did...at Mac’s engagement party we ended up out on the porch - first waiting for Renee to show up and then later to finish what we started and I guess to say good-bye.”
“Did you kiss her?”
“Mattie, let me tell the story in my own way, okay?”
“Okay...just keep talking...”
Harm shook his head with a rueful smile.
“Anyway, we talked about everything and Mac admitted that she wanted us to stay friends...that she wanted me in her life. I said I thought her husband might have something to say about it. Anyway, I finally told Mac that she would have someone that would always love her...and she said I would too...and yes - we kissed. I felt bad about it and when I saw her at JAG the next week, I apologized for my behavior. I wanted Mac to be happy and if Mic was going to make her happy, then as much as it hurt I knew I would step aside so she could be happy.”
“Oh, Harm...that’s so beautiful...”
“Problem was I didn’t think he could make her happy and I was dreading the wedding so I went ahead and went to the Patrick Henry for my quals just before the wedding.”
“Uh-oh...something happened huh?”
“Yeah...I went down at sea in a storm trying to get back. It took them a while to find me and it happened the night before the wedding...”
“So she postponed it?”
“Yeah...and then Mic cancelled it and went back to Australia.”
“So why didn’t you two get together?”
“I was still seeing Renee and her father died unexpectedly so when Mac needed me the most, I ended up turning her away to go to Renee’s father’s funeral.”
“What happened with Renee?”
“She married the undertaker that Christmas and now has twins!”
“Wow! So why aren’t you and Mac together?”
“Good question...I thought we were getting there. We started back at the beginning about two and half years ago. We started finding the little things that we liked doing together again. We started having working dinners and hanging out together and we were getting closer. We were learning to talk and to listen to each other. Then Bud stepped on a mine and lost his leg. I think now that we leaned on each other at first, but then we started pulling away from each other...not wanting to risk the pain that we’d feel if we lost each other. Sergei, my brother left to go back to Russia and Lt. Singer was sent to replace Bud on the Seahawk. The Admiral started losing faith in me and I wanted to prove him wrong. Mac got appointed to the bench first and I had a hard time with that at first. Actually Mac is good and she knows the law and she knows me and I couldn’t get away with my usual tricks...it was like when we met all over again. Anyway, she had a problem with me when I finally got the chance to try my hand as a judge.”
“And?”
“I hated it. I like being involved...I like the investigation. Can’t do that as a judge. Even though the Admiral and SecNav said I held my own, it hurt when Mac didn’t approve of the way I did the job. About the same time we had to go to the Seahawk. Mac was investigating one thing and we another. Of course I couldn’t leave her investigation alone - not that I didn’t trust her - it’s just I thought maybe the person she was investigating had been involved with someone I knew. Then last winter the SecNav investigated JAG and although we were cleared, someone that held a grudge against me used it as a way to frame me for Lt. Singer’s death. That’s when things really fell apart. Mac found out I had kept something from her that was connected to her investigation. I think she thought I might have even been involved with Lt. Singer at least on some level and then when I was finally cleared after it was looking pretty grim, she got sent on assignment to Paraguay.”
“And that’s when you resigned to go after her and the Admiral wouldn’t take you back?”
“Right.”
“So what happened down there. If you resigned your job to go rescue her she should have known you had pretty strong feelings for her, right?”
“I thought she would see it...I always thought action spoke louder then words...but not for Mac. Instead she was angry with me for having to rescue her; she was angry with me because I couldn’t say the words she wanted to hear; she had just been through a very traumatic experience and I saw her...kissing Webb.”
“And you got jealous.”
“Yeah...I wouldn’t admit it at first. I tried to deny it and tend to the tasks we needed to go...but I crashed the plane we were in and although Mac didn’t get hurt, I ended up with a concussion. I was unconscious for awhile. Mac by then was running high on adrenaline and went into superhero mode herself. When I came around my vision was blurry and I couldn’t find Mac. I started walking and when a truck backfired I thought I was being shot at and so I shot back at the truck. Luckily I didn’t hit her.”
“You shot at Mac?”
“Yeah, anyway she was on an adrenaline rush and I was suffering from the aftereffects of the concussion and we started sniping at each other. We finally made it back to the hotel where Mac had stayed. She went shopping for some new clothes and we went back to the room to clean up and rest. We were just starting to get close and be able to talk and act rationally when Webb and Gunny showed up. It made me mad all over again when Webb started talking about their undercover work as a married couple. I thought about the kiss I saw and I didn’t handle it well.”
“What did Mac do? Did she stay with you or Webb?”
“Me. She said there was nothing between them, but she also said that it felt good to have someone state their intentions. Again, I didn’t handle it well and told her she could have Webb if that’s what she wanted. Then I asked her if we could table having a talk until later. She agreed. When we were finally waiting to leave South America, Mac thanked Gunny and Webb again for rescuing her and then she informed me that there could never be an us because we both want to be first physically and emotionally.”
“What did you say to her?”
“Nothing...I couldn’t. I had always believed that Mac meant what she said. That was one way I tried to show my respect for her. It’s only been recently that I learned that she doesn’t always say what she means or what she wants. When I went to ask her to be a character witness for me at your hearing she said I was the world’s worse son and asked me why I hadn’t fought her about what she said and she wanted to know why I hadn’t told her about you sooner. I got angry and told her this was too important for her to screw up. I meant because she was in no state to think rationally but that’s not how it came out of course.”
“But she came and fought for you to have me.”
“Yes...and that’s one reason I will move heaven and earth to help you and your father learn to forgive each other and move on...because Mac didn’t have the chance and it has effected her throughout her life. I don’t want that for you Mattie.”
“I know Harm...I guess I’m a lot like Mac.”
“How so?”
“I have to test people to see if they are worthy of my love and respect and I say one thing hoping that they will do another...its easier that way to accept it when they don’t come through for me.”
“Mattie, I know there will be times I won’t be here physically for you - because I have to go away as part of my job. But I will be with you emotionally and I’ll make sure that if you need me I can get to you by phone at least.”
“I know Harm...and so does Mac.”
“I don’t know...when Brumby left she needed me and I turned her away for Renee.”
“Mac understands that...you know when you couldn’t hear you asked me what Mac and I were talking about?”
“Yeah...”
“She asked me to take care of you for her...Harm, Mac cares about you too.”
“I know...its just she is seeing Webb and it drives me crazy.”
“So just be here for her. You’re a good listener. You understand me - most of the time. Can’t you listen to Mac like you do me?”
“Mattie, how did you get so smart?”
“My mother...”
“Well, she’d be proud of you...and so am I.”
“So do you think you and Mac can work things out?”
“I don’t know. I feel like we could but the next time we try will be the last. I don’t think we can handle putting each other through everything again.”
“So don’t hash it out...just admit to each other that you’ve made poor choices and said the wrong things - apologize, forgive and move on. Start being more open and honest and taking the risks. You asked me to take a risk and trust you and look at how that turned out.”
“I’ve had enough of this role reversal for tonight, Mathilda..homework done?”
“Yes it is. Harm, thanks for telling me about Mac and you. I know it wasn’t easy for you and I know that talking to a kid about stuff like that is even weirder - but thanks for not treating me like a little kid about it. It helps me to understand you and it helped me understand why forgiving my father is so important to you...at first I thought it was so you could get rid of me and send me back to him...now I know its so I can be a whole person.”
Harm went to Mattie and pulled her into his arms for a hug. He wanted to hide the tears in his eyes from her. He did tell her again he was proud of her before she kissed his cheek and headed for her room.
Harm was drained from their talk and from thinking about it. When the soft knock sounded on the door he almost missed it. Looking through the peep-hole he saw a very distraught Mac on the other side.
Late Tuesday Night
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
“Mac? What is it? Come in here...” He opened the door and pulled her in to the room closing the door behind her. He kept one hand lightly on her arm, afraid she would cut and run on him. Gently he led her further into the room, not sure if he should sit on the couch with her, hold her, seat her on a stool or at the table. He just stood looking into her tortured, watery eyes and trying to assure her that he was there for her. She must have gotten his message because suddenly she broke his heart when she dissolved into tears in front of him. He tried to make out what she was saying.
“H-ha-ar-rm-m,” she sobbed. “I’m s-sorry - so sorry...need to be held...so stupid...so dirty ..cheap...c-c-can you forgive me...I don’t deserve to have you for a friend...didn’t know what to do...”
Harm knew she was distressed but he wasn’t clear on what was causing her stress. He stood in front of her, slowly rubbing his hands up and down her arms in an attempt to soothe and keep physical contact without her feeling trapped.
“Mac, I’m not sure I got all that. Can I ask you some questions?”
She nodded and gasped for air trying to still her sobs. Her body shook from the aftermath of crying hard and for a long time.
“Where have you been since you left JAG today?”
“Counseling...”
“And?”
“Webb’s...”
“Okay. How did counseling go?”
“Okay...”
“Anything special come from it that you want to share with me?”
Mac nodded and Harm waited.
“Every disagreement has become an excuse to attack.”
“That’s why you became such a tiger in the court?”
“Yeah...and before that...Remember you said sometimes we keep things buried so deep we don’t know who we are until its too late?”
“Yes.”
“I’m a mean...” sob, “...hateful...” sob, “...cheap...” sob, “...bitch.”
“Hey...hey...stop putting yourself down like that.”
“Why? You’ve said it yourself...anyone involved with me is dead or wishes they were.”
“Mac, I was very wrong to say that...I wish I could take those words and a few others back. I lashed out at you and that’s the last thing I should have done. I don’t deserve your friendship pulling stunts like that.”
“No, Harm...you just said what you thought.”
“No, Mac...if I had thought about it I wouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry...I was wrong and there is nothing I can do to take back those words. I die a little inside every time I think about it and how it hurt you.”
“Still...there is some truth in what you said.”
“You said you went to see Webb...” Harm took a deep breath needing to know what happened and dreading it at the same time.
“Yeah...I went to him because he has claimed to love me...he has made it clear he wants me. I needed to feel wanted - needed...”
“I don’t think I want to hear this,” Harm muttered mostly to himself. “Go ahead, I’m listening,” Harm reassured her. Mac had pulled away from him and was pacing between the kitchen and dining area. Harm waited.
“He’d been drinking. I kissed him and tasted the wine on his lips and I wanted more...he pushed me away. I started attacking him and telling him he was the one to proclaim his undying love for me...he threw my past relationships in my face reminding me that I haven’t had a good track record with long term relationships and then he threw you in my face.”
Harm clenched his fists and tried to relax his posture and jaw. He didn’t want Mac misreading his reaction as a reflection on her.
“Then he decided that he wanted me and I fought him - told him he didn’t have what it took to make me happy. He was drunk and I don’t know if he even heard or understood what I was saying. Harm why do I keep running to you when my relationships crumble?”
“Mac, is Webb the man you want? Do you love him - enough to marry him - have his children?”
“No!”
“Then don’t let him seduce you into thinking you do.”
“So who will make me happy?”
“Right now?...I don’t know what will make you happy - other then a good man, a good career and comfortable shoes - but you are the only one that can decide who is the good man that is the right one for you - just like you are the only one that knows if the career and the shoes fit right and are comfortable.”
“But what if the man I think could make me happy doesn’t want me?”
“Then he’s not the right fit...you have to be a friend to have a friend - and I guess you have to give love to get love.”
“Harm today in court you said I made it impossible for you to be my friend...”
“No...I said that to your client.”
“But it works for us too doesn’t it?”
“Yes...we’ve both pushed each other away at times when we should have been drawing each other closer. Navy and Marine pride can be blamed for some of it I suppose...” Harm thought about the story he had told Mattie earlier in the evening. “However, I’ve been learning about all the reasons its good to let people in. Sometimes its still hard...but sometimes it is worth the risk.”
“Being a parent has helped you with that huh?”
“Yeah...and going to an Alanon meeting...I’ve only been to one so far, but it has helped me already have a better understanding as to what Mattie has lived with...and I think its helping me to understand you a little too - I think I’ve found the instruction manual I’ve been looking for...” Harm smiled and Mac returned it, a little weak and watery still, but a start.
Mac was standing still again in front of Harm despite a slight sway as she stood there. Harm put his hands back on her arms to steady her.
“Mac you are exhausted, aren’t you?” She nodded and let herself close her eyes for a second. “Why don’t you crash here?”
“You wouldn’t mind? What about Mattie?”
“Mattie is in her apartment with Jen...besides she would understand that I’m helping a friend here.”
Mac puckered her lips a little fighting back another wave of tears. The one thing that her session with the counselor and the visit with Webb pointed out, is that Harm was the one constant in her adult life and that he was the only one that wasn’t trying to get something for himself out of there relationship...friendship. Mac nodded and suddenly felt so tired she didn’t think she could stand up. Her knees buckled but Harm caught her. He half carried her up the stairs to his bedroom. He sat her on the bed and quickly grabbed a t-shirt for her to use as a nightie.
“Mac...can you get ready for bed on your own?”
“I’ll just lay down like this...”
“Mac...you need some real sleep and you need to be comfortable. Do you want me to help you?”
Mac nodded and Harm started by removing her shoes.
“Mac, stand up and turn around...” Harm directed. Once her back was to him, he lifted her t-shirt over her head and unhitched her bra, thankful it had a back hook. He slid it down her arms and dropped it onto the bed. He dropped the t-shirt over her head and directed her to put her arms in the armholes. He pulled it down and reached around her to undo her jeans and slide them off of her. He tried not to dwell on what he was doing and keep a clinical approach as he undressed her and got her into his t-shirt. Finally he lifted the covers and got her tucked in. He decided that Mac was asleep before her head hit the pillow.
He picked up her clothes and laid them on the dresser. Then he turned off lights in the apartment, locked the door and got himself ready for bed. He slid into bed dressed in boxers and attempted to get comfortable while giving Mac her space. He finally turned his back to her and closed his eyes. He too was asleep immediately.
Early morning
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Sometime during the night, Harm had rolled onto his back and Mac had cuddled up to his warmth. As he opened his eyes in the early morning hours, he found her legs entangled with his, her hand splayed open on his bare chest, and her head resting on his shoulder. He also found that his body had a mind of its own and had betrayed his true desires at the moment. Not thinking it was a good thing to be found in such condition by a confused Marine, he eased himself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Answering natures call and taking a cold shower had restored his safety zone and he returned to the bedroom in clean boxers and a t-shirt to see Mac just waking up.
“Up already?” Mac asked quietly with a slightly nervous smile.
“Yeah...have to fix breakfast before school these days. Feel free to shower if you want.” Harm grabbed his robe and put it on as he went to the kitchen to give Mac some privacy. She was handling this version of the morning after much more calmly then he had feared.
Mac got up and dressed, deciding to go home, shower and dress before work. Stepping into the kitchen she approached Harm and placing a hand lightly on his arm while looking up at him and smiled.
“Thank you for being here for me.”
“Your welcome.”
“I’ll see you at JAG and in court, Counselor?”
“Yes Ma’am.”
Harm watched Mac leave and felt good about this first step. He was sure that things weren’t over between them now. With Mattie’s favorite breakfast ready for her, he poured his coffee and waited for Mattie’s entrance. By the third sip, she was opening the door.
“Morning Harm...WOW! My favorite...what’s up?”
Harm laughed at Mattie. She had informed him that her idea of an ideal breakfast was Swedish pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream. He had made them twice before but not on a school morning.
“Had a little extra time this morning and thought I’d do something a little special. I know its been a tough week - seeing your Dad and going to Alateen. I got up earlier then usual this morning and thought seeing as I had the ingredients I’d make some up.”
“Did you know Mac likes these too?”
“Yeah - I did.”
“Are you going to take some to her?”
“Maybe I will...”
“Harm...I got up once during the night and I thought I saw Mac’s car outside. Did she stop by?”
Harm almost panicked and then decided he needed to be honest with Mattie. “Yes...she was pretty upset and needed a friend.”
“Did you guys fight?”
“No. I let her talk and I caught her when she fell asleep on her feet. She got up early and headed home to get ready for work so I made you your treat.”
“Oh. Then you have to take her some and thank her for me.”
“I will do that.”
“Harm?”
“Mattie, if you are going to give me advice on how to get Mac to reconsider having a more romantic relationship with me....”
“I wasn’t!”
“Sorry.”
“I was going to ask you if you ad an extra five so I will have money on me when we go for the away game today.”
“That’s right...you won’t be home until late. What time should I pick you up?”
“The coach said we will get back around eleven.”
“I’ll be there,” he said as he handed her a ten. “Don’t spend it all on junk food.”
“Thanks Harm.”
Later that morning
Court Room
Falls Church, Virginia
The trial proceeded as planned. Mac called a witness on behalf of her client. After asking him to explain what had happened, Harm had stood up and pointed out to him that his testimony was different from when he had previously been asked. Harm asked him if he was lying then or now.
“Then.”
“So why come forward now?”
“All I ever wanted was an apology for what he said.”
Harm swallowed and took a risk as he responded to the witness and looked at Mac, “That can go a long way.”
Mac had then taken over and called her client back to the stand. She asked him what he felt the new testimony would mean for his trial. He had admitted to doing wrong, but he hoped that hearing the truth about what had happened in Panama may make the members more lenient in their punishment.
“You just wanted someone to recognize what you’d been through...and in your anger, you went about it the wrong way...didn’t you?” Mac turned her back to her client while she spoke and looked directly at Harm. They exchanged quiet glances and acknowledgment of the message sent and received.
After court, Harm waited for Mac. As they walked together toward JAG Ops, Harm ventured to ask her to join him for dinner.
“So, Tiger, if you aren’t busy this evening what do you say we go out for dinner.”
Mac stopped and watched as Harm realized he had lost her and stopped and turned back. He waited for her keeping his face calm and neutral. Finally Mac answered him.
“I have to do something first after work, and I don’t know how long it will take...could I have a raincheck on that invitation?”
“Of course...by the way, I brought you a surprise and a message from Mattie.”
“A surprise?”
“Think Swedish pancakes with whip cream and strawberries...”
“Oh wow...I’m starving...I didn’t give myself enough time for breakfast this morning.”
“Well they are in the kitchen in the refrigerator and your name is on the container. By the way Mattie said to say ‘Thank you’ to you for her.”
“For what?”
“Being the reason I was up early enough this morning to make them for her before school.”
“Did I wake you up?”
“Not really...I woke up earlier then usual but it didn’t have anything to do with you.” Harm avoided her eyes and she caught it.
“I suspect it did, but I’ll drop it - for now.”
“Thank you.”
“Harm about tonight...I would love to say yes, but I need to take care of something before...well I was able to set it up for this evening. I’d like to tell you about it later if I could.”
“Tell you what Mac...I’ll have the kettle on and something quick and easy to warm up if you are hungry when you get there. I have to pick Mattie up around eleven after she gets back from her away game, but other then that I plan to be home.”
“Okay...I’ll talk to you later.”
Later that Evening
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm had been wandering around the apartment waiting and wondering what Mac was up to. He was pretty sure she had another counseling session and decided to wait calmly and not jump to any conclusions. It was after nine when he heard Mac’s soft knock on his door. He opened it wide for her, relieved that she was in a better frame of mind then when she had arrived the night before.
“Hey Tiger. Come in.”
“Am I stuck with that new nickname?”
“Yeah, I think so...it kind of fits and I like it.”
Mac made a face at him as she sat at the island. Harm went around to fix their tea. Once it was made they carried their cups over to the couch and sat facing each other on each end.
“I had another counseling session and then I went to see Webb.”
“How did it go?”
“The counseling session helped me piece a few things together. Right now I am pretty fragile emotionally and Clayton Webb is the last person that I should even consider dating. He’s drinking a lot Harm and he’s not the Clayton Webb we knew. I still consider him a friend and he did do everything he could to protect me from Sadik and his goons...”
“But?”
“But he’s not good for me. I know this might be hard to hear, but I have to tell you or I will never get beyond it...Harm, I thought you had lost interest in me last year and when I left on that mission is was as much to punish you as it was to fill my duty to my country. When you did rescue me I handled it wrong. I thought you were doing it out of duty and then it made me mad that you didn’t tell me what you had given up for me...that made me mad because I didn’t want to owe you anything.”
“You wanted us to be on even footing or you wanted me to owe you. Right?”
“Yes...I guess I did but I didn’t realize it then. I liked the fact that Webb told me he wanted me and needed me. You don’t very often need anyone and other then when you said you had forgotten how beautiful I am, you never say things personally like that. I had decided that you weren’t interested in that kind of relationship with me so I tried to let you off the hook. I hurt you instead and I’m sorry for that.”
“It’s okay Mac...”
“Harm I’ve kind of gotten off track here...let me finish okay?” Harm nodded. “When we got back and the Admiral wouldn’t take you back I thought you’d need me then...instead you signed on with the CIA and I felt like I was being left out again.”
“I didn’t have a lot of choice, Mac.”
“I know...and Clay kept after me to have more of a relationship then I was interested in. I went out with him out of friendship, appreciation for what he had given up for me and because I hoped he would keep me posted on you. But nothing...As he got better he wanted more. I kept him at arms length until after I shot Sadik. He got back and arrived at my place when I was in a bad place.”
“High on adrenaline?”
“Yeah...you know exactly what I’m talking about don’t you. You’ve experienced it.”
“Yes. You think you are invincible and your senses are heightened and sexual release is often a way it is dealt with. Young fighter pilots have a reputation for being cocky as a result. As you get older and more experienced, you learn other ways to channel those feelings and needs.”
“Until Paraguay I had never experienced it to that extent. I got mad when you didn’t seem interested in me and didn’t take advantage of sharing a bed with me. I really thought it was because you didn’t think I was good enough for you.”
“Mac, no...”
“I know Harm...but as I was trying to tell you, Webb showed up when I needed that release and well afterwards I felt filthy and disgusting. Sadik had showed more will power then I had and more restraint and respect toward me then I have ever had for myself. At counseling today I came up with a theory. I ran it by Webb when I went to see him.” She paused to sip her tea. Harm’s heart was in his throat dreading what she was saying yet knowing he had to hear this through.
“I told Webb that I shot Sadik and killed him because I was angry for what he had done...because he hurt someone I love. Clay told me that he loved me too and I sat there waiting for the demons to tell me to go ahead and take what I could get. It didn’t happen...I looked him in the eye and told him that I loved him as a friend but I was not in love with him.” Harm’s heart began to pound in his chest. He suddenly wanted Mac to go on.
“I told him that I needed someone that was stable and solid and that I could trust to put my best interest first even if it hurt them to do that. I told him that I had some work to do before I could start a real relationship with anyone, but that the right man would know how to help me by being there and listening and learning what I need at different phases of recovery and healing. In the meantime, I needed to let my friends back in and I needed to learn to be a good friend again - open and honest not secretive and vague.”
“So, Mac...do you know anyone that you feel can meet your needs and be what you need?”
“Yeah, I do. Think you’re up to the challenge?”
“You said you wanted open and honest, Mac, and I won’t give you my answer until you have thought about this...I resigned my commission and went to Paraguay to find you because I realized that I was in love with you. That hasn’t changed. As far as wanting you...I’ve fought to hide how much I’ve wanted you for so long because I didn’t think you wanted or needed that kind of relationship with me and because when we do cross that line I don’t think I will be able to be happy just being a platonic friend again.” He paused and took a deep breath.
“Mac the reason I got up so early this morning is so you wouldn’t find out how much I wanted you. You didn’t need that from me and until we are both ready neither of us should pretend we are.”
“Harm...”
“Wait just a bit longer Mac...As much as I want to build a life with you and have a family and spend eternity with you I want us to do it right, so that we can grow together. If knowing that you still want me to accept your challenge, then you’ve got your man.”
Mac couldn’t suppress her smile as she set her cup down and crawled across the length of the couch to Harm. On her knees in front of him she rested her hands on his shoulders and placed her forehead against his. “Could you just hold me for a few minutes right now?”
Harm wrapped his arms around her and held her close. “I love holding you and when I let go my arms feel so empty.”
“Think you can handle sharing a bed with me again like we did last night?”
“Yes...but I have to go get Mattie around eleven.”
“I know. Can I go with you?”
“Sure. Mattie will love to see you.”
“And how will we handle breakfast tomorrow morning?”
“Openly and honestly I hope...Mattie is mature enough to understand and as long as we model respectful, caring behavior it can help her to grow up more normally.”
“Okay,” Mac snuggled into Harm’s arms a few more minutes. Sitting up again she kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”
Harm touched his fingers to his cheek where her lips had left a tingle. “Let’s go get Mattie, Tiger.”
Together they picked her up after the game and listened to her tell about the win and her part in it. Mattie watched them link their fingers together between them as Harm drove. When they returned to North of Union Station, she watched Mac get her bag out of the car and return upstairs with them.
“Staying over, Mac?”
“Yes...are you okay with that?”
“Sure...I’ll have breakfast with Jen in the morning Harm...”
“No you won’t, Mathilda...you’ll have breakfast with Mac and me.”
“Yes, sir.” Mattie winked at Mac and hugged them both at the top of the stairs. “See you in the morning.”
Harm made sure Mattie was safely in her apartment before he opened his door and he and Mac entered. They were both tired after a short night and an intense day with more emotions in the last thirty-six hours then they normally experienced in a month. Harm sent Mac to get ready for bed while he secured the place and shut off lights. She was under the covers and waiting for him when he stepped into the bedroom. He smiled and moved into the bathroom before stripping down to his boxers and slipping into bed beside her.
They moved together holding each other close.
“Mac, I want you to know that I can’t always control my body’s reaction to you being in my arms like this, touching me...but you can trust me. I won’t ever take advantage of you or the situation.”
“I know Harm. I trust you...more then I do myself.”
Harm put his hand over hers where it rested on his chest. Her head, tucked into his shoulder and under his chin and her legs entwined with his felt right. Within minutes they were both asleep.
0500 Local
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
He felt the feathery kisses along his collarbone and the delicate fingers sliding lower and lower on his body, up against the waist band of his boxers. His eyes flew open and he looked at the beautiful woman in his arms. He stilled her hand, only to feel her knee slide up his leg and come to rest at a very delicate part of his anatomy that was in a very sensitive state at the moment.
“Mac...”
“Mmmm?”
“Mac, wake up?”
“I am wake...”
“Are you trying to see how much torture I can stand?” he murmured as he held her hand and tried to shift enough to protect himself from her knee.
She blushed a little and then smiled, “Sorry...I’ve just wanted to touch you for so long that I guess I took advantage of your good nature.”
“That’s okay...I just wanted to make sure you were awake and in a good mood so I wouldn’t have to worry about how much damage that knee of yours could do to me.”
“I won’t hurt you anymore, Harm...at least not on purpose.”
Harm rolled over then, supporting himself on his forearms. He looked down at her face, her hair fanned out on the pillow behind her head. Slowly he lowered his lips to capture hers and nibble them sweetly. They didn’t let the kisses burn out of control but both knew from past experience that their kisses could be combustible.
“I need a shower.” He levered himself up and out of bed. Mac caught a glimpse of the tell tale sign of her effect on him before he disappeared into the bathroom. She grinned in satisfaction.
Twelve minutes later Harm returned to the room, kissed her forehead and said, breakfast will be served after your shower, okay?”
“Sure.”
Harm made biscuits with egg and cheese. While they baked he fixed coffee and set the table. He poured them all juice as well. At six o’clock Mattie joined them and they talked about the days plans while they ate and tried to decide what to do for dinner. They tried to get Mac to voice her preference but she explained that she might not be able to get there until later and they should go ahead without her. Harm and Mattie finally settled on a shrimp stir-fry which she would make herself. They explained to Mac that as she learned to prepared meals at school in class, she tried making them at home.
When Mattie went to get her books, Harm and Mac finished dressing in their uniforms and clearing the table. Mac put an hand on Harm’s arm.
“I’m going for another counseling session tonight and then I think I’ll go once a week.”
“Okay...look Mattie and I go to Alateen and Alanon meetings tonight. If we aren’t here when you get here, come in and relax.” He told her what time they had returned the previous week and then bent to kiss her lips quickly.
“Just a little something to hold me all day long...”
Harm and Mac embraced and were just pulling back when Mattie returned. No one said anything but everyone was smiling.
Over the next three weeks, Mac fell into a routine with Mattie and Harm. Their support groups met on Wednesday evenings so she set up her counseling session for Wednesdays as well. Afterward, they would all get together at Harms for a late dessert and their own support group. Mac usually stayed over that night, and Harm would just hold her. The sessions often opened old wounds and having his quiet support when she cried, or talked or just thought helped her feel secure enough to deal with the aftermath.
Mac joined Harm and Mattie for dinner once or twice a week, but didn’t stay over. She and Harm had decided that it was tempting the fates to sleep together platonically when they both acknowledged that when the time was right they wanted more. Wednesday nights were a mid-week treat and somewhat therapeutic and so the temptation was secondary.
Harm asked Mac out for dinner any night that Mattie had an away game and on Saturday nights. Friday nights they all went out to eat and went shopping afterwards. Saturday nights Mattie got together with her friends so Harm didn’t have to feel guilty spending time with Mac. Mac often stayed over on Saturday night and they would go running and workout together on Sunday mornings before coming back to make a late breakfast or go out for brunch. Mattie and Jen often joined them and the four would spend the day playing games, going places and just having fun together. When it got warmer, Harm was planning to take them all flying. Even Mac had agreed to give him another chance.
After the third Wednesday session, Harm informed Mac and Mattie that the following week they were having the monthly family group meeting. He asked Mac and Mattie if they would go with him. Mac agreed immediately but Mattie seemed a little nervous. Finally after Harm gave her his, ‘I hope you feel you can tell me anything’ speech, Mattie blurted out what was causing her distress.
“I think I should ask my father to go...”
“Mattie, that’s a great idea. You’ll have Mac and I there just in case but it would mean a lot to your Dad to be included. Why don’t you call him?”
“Now?”
“Sure. If he’s not there leave a message for him to call you back.”
Mac and Harm exchanged looks as Mattie picked up the phone and dialed the number her father had left with Harm, because she had refused to take it.
“May I speak to Tom Johnson please...I’m his daughter.” Mattie paced and wrapped the cord around her wrist and arm while she waited for him to pick up.
“Mattie? Is that you?”
“Yeah...its me. Harm and I have been going to support group meetings and next Wednesday they are having a family night. Mac - Colonel Mackenzie- is coming with us and I wondered if you could go too?”
“I’d like that. It might not be easy Mattie, you know that, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you for asking me.”
“You’re welcome...I’ll let you talk to Harm,” Mattie held the phone out to him and Mac took her in her arms to hug her.
“Tom? Look they do a potluck dinner and we’ll be bringing plenty of food. If you want to meet us there we’ll give you a ride home afterwards.”
“Thanks Harm...for everything. Taking care of Mattie and guiding her through this...you and the Colonel are very special people and I appreciate what you are both doing for us.”
“You’re welcome Tom...but we are also doing some of this for ourselves and helping Mattie too just gives it even more meaning.”
“Thanks again and I’ll see you next week.”
Harm hung up the phone and put his arms around both Mac and Mattie. “I am so proud of you Mattie...I promise I won’t expect miracles. This is a big step for you.”
“But you still expect me to use my manners at all times?”
“Yes...I hope you can learn to rely on self discipline to be polite and respectful. You know if you do go into the navy or any branch of the military you will have to be able to do just that.”
“I know...guess I can start practicing it anytime, huh?”
“Shall we have dessert?”
“I’ll pass tonight guys...I’m really tired.”
“You feeling okay?”
“Yeah...just want to be alone.”
“Okay...love you and I’m very proud of you.”
“Me too, Mattie.”
Mattie nodded and after hugging them each goodnight, she left them alone. After the door shut, Mac looked at Harm.
“It looks like they put all of us through the wringer tonight. Do you need to talk about it Harm?” Mac asked Harm. He never talked about what happened in his group meetings or what feelings that came up. Afterward he always focused on Mattie’s needs and Mac’s needs. Mac’s session had reminded her that while she had needs as she was healing, it was important that as she got stronger, she made sure she didn’t ignore other people’s needs around her.
At first she had thought about how she had made sure that she hadn’t cut Clayton Webb off completely. Although she didn’t see him, see called him at least once a week to see how he was doing. She did it with Harm’s full knowledge and support. He had even suggested that eventually they could have Webb over for dinner.
In addition, Mac always took time for Mattie and made weekly calls to Tom Johnson herself so that he knew she hadn’t forgotten her promise to be there if he needed her.
She had realized tonight that the one person she was forgetting was Harm. He was there for her without question. He supported her and restrained his needs and desires for her best interest. During her session tonight she had realized how selfish she had become with Harm. Once Mattie had left them, she had seen something in his face like he was trying to hide something from her but didn’t want to. It was like a bulb that came on in her head and the reason she asked him if he needed to talk.
She reached up and took his face in her hands and made him look at her. “I’m okay tonight Harm. It’s important that I learn to listen to you too, you know?”
“It’s just that I made a promise that tonight was about what you need.”
“You’re not breaking your promise then, Harm. I need you to open up to me, remember.”
“I don’t want to stick my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing...”
“Harm, talk to me...”
“Let’s get some tea first, okay?”
Together they fixed their tea and got comfortable on the couch. Harm sat sideways and Mac leaned up against him while he wrapped his arms around her. He rested his face against her hair. Once they were comfortable, Harm tried to tell her what had him upset at his session.
“Several of the guys starting talking about how they were beginning to resent their wives and girlfriends for the time and effort and attention they were getting. They were saying that they felt cheated. I was feeling pretty good at first because I don’t feel cheated. I like the fact that I can be here for you and Mattie. Then the leader started telling everyone that we could do more damage then good if we don’t demand that our needs are met and that its healthy to want to get a share of the attention.
“He said that by not asking for our own time we could compound the problem and make the people that need us ‘emotional cripples’ because they don’t learn how to give and take in a relationship. They started attacking me for holding myself above the group and saying if I did that with you and Mattie that I would be creating a dangerous dichotomy...God Mac, I only want to help you not hurt you!” Harm held Mac even tighter.
Mac let him because she knew from her own session that this was what Harm needed to do. She hid a smile at first and then set her tea down and turned in his arms, drawing her knees up under her.
“Harm, first of all you are not hurting Mattie at all...you are being a good stand in parent. Secondly, you have not hurt me and you won’t. Do you know how I know?” He shook his head and Mac went on.
“Because you are telling me this. At my session tonight, we talked about how I have to guard against demanding all the attention. I got the other side of the talk I guess. I was worried about how I could bring this up with you and when I saw how upset you were after Mattie left I saw a chance to do for you what you’ve been doing for me...listening without judging.” Mac tipped his face so he looked into her eyes. His arms were loosely around her waist, while her arms rested on his shoulders.
“Harm we need to learn to give and take - be a friend so we can have a friend - to give love so we can receive love...it’s the same kind of thing. Sometimes I will need to be there for you and sometimes you will need to be there for me. We don’t keep score and we don’t worry about it as long as we are both able to be there for the other. Understand?”
“I beginning to...Mac?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t resent you or anything...not like some of the guys did with their girlfriends or wives...and I don’t think I’m better then you...”
“I know. But Harm...what is the one thing that you would ask me for if you thought you could? Be honest with me...”
“I want to make love to you...it’s been so long since...and there’s been no one else since Renee...”
“Oh God!...Harm why haven’t you said something? Here I am teasing and flirting and you take it and never complain...”
“Cold showers help.”
“But Harm, there are ways...things we can do even if we are not ready to make a full commitment that would make it easier on you...you probably haven’t even helped yourself out with this have you?” Harm blushed and Mac at that moment fell in love all over again.
“I always knew you were a prude...women have toys to help them get through the droughts and I always assumed men had their ways, but I hadn’t counted on you being such a prude or the fact that there have been no other women since Renee...not even Catherine Gale?”
“No...I would have but she wouldn’t have me...besides that was when I thought my chances with you were over.”
“Harm, do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Enough to let me take the lead on this and know that I won’t do anything that I don’t want to do or anything that would hurt us later?”
“Yes.”
“Come with me...” Mac stood up and led Harm to the bathroom, shutting off lights and locking doors as they went. She left a light on low beside the bed and then once in the bathroom started his shower.
Together they removed their clothes and Harm gulped at the beauty of Sarah Mackenzie. His interest in her was obvious and she smiled and nudged him to get into the shower. Together they soaped and washed each other and rinsed the suds away. The warm water relaxed and soothed as they explored and touched each other in wonder. Turning off the water they each wrapped themselves in towels as they dried off and then returned to the bedroom. Mac dropped her towel and slid into bed first. Harm released his towel and followed her example by sliding into bed. Mac was as good as her word and showed him how she could give back to him without compromising their decision to wait.
The next morning, Mac was awake watching Harm sleep, waiting and worrying about his reaction to what they had done - or rather what she had done to him. She saw his eyes flicker and then open. As the memory came back to him, she saw him blush and then smile as she looked into her eyes.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Sleep okay?”
“Yeah...you?”
“Yes...Harm, are you really okay about last night?”
“Yes Mac...you were very generous and I guess I am somewhat of a prude, because I would never have asked that of you or anyone...”
“Harm...sometimes you might need to ask...but at least you know that I don’t mind...actually it was kind of a nice feeling being able to give instead of trying to make sure my needs were met...I mean...I enjoyed it too and that was what I needed last night.”
“You know, I’ve always taken pleasure in giving more then I got...but after last night I can see how I was being selfish not to let a woman do the giving at times.”
“I think we’d better take our own showers this morning and get ready. How about I take my shower first while you try some of those self-help techniques I guided you through last night? I mean it looks like you could use some help this morning.” Mac grinned as she climbed out of bed naked and went to the bathroom to get ready for work. She returned to the bedroom in a towel and while Harm went to the bathroom to get ready, she dressed.
“Harm, I’ll fix breakfast while you shower and dress. I’m heading to the kitchen now.” She flipped the music on as she went by.
Mac had the table set, coffee on and juice poured by the time Harm joined her. He kissed her cheek and whispered “thank you.” Mac then went to unlock the front door. Just in case she hadn’t heard Mattie knock, she went to Mattie’s door to let her know breakfast was ready. Mattie opened the door just as Mac went to knock.
“Hey, breakfast is ready.”
“Thanks...I’m running a little late this morning I guess.”
“No problem.”
“Mac, is Harm okay?”
“Yeah. Why do you ask?”
“He just seemed more upset last night then usual. He’s been a rock and I felt like he was crumbling a little last night.”
“He was Mattie...we talked and he seems fine this morning. You know he’s learning a lot and if he does right by you, he runs the risk of losing you. Sometimes that sets up a conflict in him that he has to work through...but it doesn’t change how much he loves you.”
“I know. Mac, even if I go back to my Dad someday, I’m going to need you and Harm at times.”
“And we’ll be there for you, however we can. Now come on. I fixed breakfast this morning and if its cold it won’t be very good.”
Next Day
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
Admiral Chegwidden asked Coates to join them at staff meeting that morning. There he announced that she would be receiving a promotion to Petty Officer First Class effective May 1. Harm and Mac were quick to send a beaming smile her way and offer congratulations. It was decided to have lunch that day at the Chinese restaurant to celebrate. Sturgis, Bud, Harriet, Mac, and Harm all agreed to join the Admiral to celebrate Coates achievement.
They had laughed and talked during lunch, but when it came time to select their fortune cookies and read their fates, Harm ended up going first - thanks to Mac’s suggestion that they go by height - tallest first.
Harm had agreed, knowing that he would need to read the fortune aloud and then interpret it. He was a little distracted however, when he realized that Mac had offered him the first choice - something that she had always liked doing first. She said it was easier to go first not knowing how embarrassing or raucous the gang would get as they went on.
Harm had looked at his fortune - The road not taken is your destiny. Take it.
He had crumpled it and claimed he didn’t believe in it. Mac had jumped in and said she thought he did and that’s why he wouldn’t share. As they had gone around the table he had started to day dream about what could have been if he had not said ‘not yet’ in Australia. He pictured the wedding that he and Mac would have had and the honeymoon...and how they would have ended up hurting each other because he had not learned to think before he spoke or because he played games and ‘one-upmanship’ instead of being open and honest. He would always put his job or other people first, taking Mac for granted as he got caught up in other projects.
Next Harriet and Bud drew fortunes and they both got the same one - the same one he had. He started thinking about what would have happened if Harriet had backed out on Bud on their wedding day. He knew that they would have ended up together eventually. They were too right together not to have found each other.
Jen and the Admiral got the same fortunes...and he could see the Admiral settling into civilian life as a litigator while Coates probably would have done something edgy and dangerous but she would have turned out just fine...she was a good person and Harm just knew it from the moment they met.
Mac claimed to have gotten a different fortune, but when she ‘read’ it, “Where you go is where you are,” he could tell she was not being honest - her lip had always done this weird curl when she lied. He saw it and knew she knew he saw it. He was lost in his daydreams when he realized that they were all leaving and he was just sitting there. Mac had walked off without her coat and he offered to bring it to her.
He had picked up her fortune and looked at it before he left. She had the same fortune they all did. As he handed her coat over she asked him if he was alright and he had smiled.
“Yeah, just pondering the road not taken - yet.”
Mac had hesitated as she walked away. Somehow she knew that Harm had the same fortune that she had drawn - that they all had drawn. His comment proved it.
Early Friday Morning
Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
*Harm don’t even try to stop me this time. It’s final...I’m marrying John!*
*John? Who’s John? Mac, come on, you don’t really want to give up on us, do you? We’ve had some good times...we have a deal...*
*Harm, there’s no way that deal can be fulfilled on time. It’s only two months now until Little AJ turns five, and I want it all! Love, marriage, a house...and the baby.*
*And I suppose John is going to give you that?*
*YES!*
*Mac have you talked that over with John? He’s practically an old man, for crying out loud...he’s not going to want to go through nighttime feedings and teething and toilet training...he wants you and a life of freedom.*
*John said he wanted to give me whatever my heart desired!*
*Does he know what that is, Mac? Have you ever told him? I know more about what you want then he does and I am willing to give it to you now.*
*But its too late for you to try and keep the deal Harm.*
*I don’t care about the deal...I care about you and the dreams we share and the road not taken - yet...*
Harm sat up in bed and looked around gasping for air. He felt like he was about to lose Mac again, permanently this time. They had been moving closer yet there was still a distance between them. He had told her he wanted her in his life for eternity, yet they hadn’t made a commitment to each other really.
Harm had always felt that they would both know when the time was right for them and then it would just happen. They would get together and find their destiny. Recently he had started thinking that maybe they were the ones that kept interfering with destiny. He usually found someone or something to blame for them being apart. He knew it wasn’t fair to Mac or to himself or to anyone he laid the blame on. It was time for him to step up and tell Mac what he wanted and needed. He needed to say it. She needed to hear it. No more games; no more waiting; no more doubts.
Throwing off the covers, Harm took care of the morning s’s - shower, shampoo, shave, etc. - before he dressed for JAG. Mattie noticed something was different with Harm and tried to find out what was going on.
“Harm, are you okay?”
“Yes, I am. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know. You seem to be on a mission or something this morning. Did you and Mac have a fight?”
“No.”
“Big case you’re working on?”
“Nothing special.”
“Are you playing games with me?”
“Not any more.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Sorry, Mattie...I’m not playing games with you now and I never have. I’m going to stop playing games with...other people now too.”
“You mean Mac, don’t you?”
“Mattie...I think its best if you leave this one alone for now. As soon as I can, I will let you know what’s happening. Fair enough?”
Mattie started to grin, “Harm, are you going to ask Mac to marry you?”
“Mattie...”
“You are aren’t you?” Mattie jumped up and threw her arms around Harm’s neck and hugged him. “I guessed it didn’t I?”
“Mattie, come on...”
“It’s alright Harm...I think its great! Besides if Mac tries to use me as a reason not to marry you, you can honestly tell her you know I’m thrilled with the idea.”
“Just don’t get your hopes too high, okay? I’m going to tell her how I feel and what I want, but if she turns me down, then it’s the end of it...not something I will discuss with you or anyone.”
“I understand...but she won’t say no.” Mattie danced off to get her things for school while Harm took care of the breakfast dishes.
He dropped her at school before he headed to JAG.
Later that Morning
JAG HQ
Falls Church, Virginia
On the drive into JAG, Harm kept thinking about his dream. Why on earth would he have thought Mac’s future was tied up in John Farrow when as far as he knew she had been involved with Clayton Webb? That part of his dream bothered him. He thought he understood a few times, but couldn’t quite grab the fleeting thoughts that ran through his mind.
He stopped by his office to put his things away. He looked around at his little office It was stuck out of the way. He took pride in the fact that as he had conquered the overload of work from when he had first returned, his office had become squared away and somewhat of a haven. He could come in here and work without the distraction of watching for Mac’s comings and goings from her own office. When someone stopped by to see him, it meant they had made a conscious effort to come see him...not just because he was handy and right there.
He picked up his file and notepad and headed to the kitchen for fresh coffee. He was leaning up against the counter sipping the coffee when the admiral came in.
“Good morning, Commander. You look to be rather pensive again today. Everything okay?”
“Yes, sir. I’m sorry if I seem to be distracted, Admiral. I can assure you that it is nothing that will impact my duties sir.”
“Everything okay with young Mattie?”
“Yes...we have ups and downs of course...I mean a teenager and a bachelor both have their moments, but so far one of us has been able to keep things in perspective.”
“That’s good. It’s been good for you having someone that relies on you hasn’t it?”
“Yes, but the thing is, I rely on her too. We both needed to learn to trust again and she’s given me a chance to learn to let people inside my head and my heart.”
“You and the Colonel seem to be doing better these days. You seem closer like you use to be.”
“In some ways I guess...but its different now.”
“How so Harm?”
“If you don’t mind sir, I’m not exactly comfortable discussing this with you right here, right now.”
“Alright Harm...just remember that despite the rough seas this past year, I hold you and Mac in high regard and I will do what I can...”
“Good morning Admiral...Commander.” Mac greeted them as she stepped into the kitchen area, obviously interrupting a private discussion.
“Hey Mac,” Harm greeted her giving her a warm smile. He wasn’t sure what she had heard, but he hoped that his comfortable greeting put her at ease.
“Morning Colonel...I’ll see you both a staff meeting in five minutes.” The admiral returned the greeting before taking his leave.
“Aye, aye, sir,” they both responded.
“Did I interrupt a heavy conversation Harm?”
“Not really. He asked me something that I told him I didn’t feel like I was ready to get into with him here and now...”
Mac’s face tightened as if she was angry at him as she practically hissed at Harm, “You might know that you are running from emotional conversations again. I thought you had changed! I thought you were past that, Harm...what happened?”
“Whoa, Mac...I’m not running from the conversation...as a matter of fact I am looking forward to having a couple of emotional conversations in the near future as a matter of fact. I didn’t think talking about personal things with my Commanding Officer where anyone could come in and hear was a wise thing to do.”
“You’re right...I’‘m sorry Harm.”
“You don’t have to apologize for thinking that Mac. I’ve given you a lot of reasons to believe that I would do it again. I can’t guarantee that I won’t, but I can promise that I am trying to do better.”
“You have matured and become a much better person Harm.”
“Mac, are you busy tonight?”
“Nothing special. Why?”
“I’d like to spend some time alone with you this evening, so we can talk.”
“Is this the talk we’ve put off?”
“Yes and no...and I’m not being vague its just we need to get to staff meeting.”
Mac grabbed her coffee and walked with Harm to the conference room. As they walked Harm couldn’t help but ask her the question burning in his brain.
“Have you seen John Farrow recently?”
“John? No...why?”
“I don’t know...well I do but I’ll explain tonight okay?”
“Sure...Harm are you okay?”
“Yes Mac...I am.”
“So what’s the plan?”
“I’ll give you a choice- we can go out to dinner and then to your place or mine to talk; or you can come over and I’ll fix dinner and we can talk; or we can do take out at your place so we can talk; or I’ll entertain another idea if you have one.”
“Wow...then let’s do take out at my place...what about Mattie?”
“Volleyball tournament. The teams leaves tonight and is staying over because they have an early morning game and if they win they’ll play again later in the day. The team will come home late Saturday night. If they win both games, they host the tournament next weekend.”
“Alright people, let’s get started,” the Admiral stated as he walked into the room and took his seat at the head of the table.
Harm and Mac shared a smile and focused on the meeting.
Friday Evening
Mac’s Apartment
Georgetown
Harm arrived on time with his arms full of take out food and an overnight bag. He knocked on the door of Mac’s apartment and while he waited he thought about his quick visit with Mattie before heading over to see Mac.
He had gone home to change and to catch a few minutes with Mattie before she left with the team. She had been pleased that he made it home in time to take her to school to meet the team. Usually when he took her to school or came to a game he was in uniform. This time he was dressed in his favorite jeans, the new red shirt they had bought and his leather flight jacket. Mattie had given her approval when she saw what he had chosen to wear for an evening with Mac. He was pleased that she let him take her bag to the bus for her and give her a hug. He promised that he would be there to meet her Saturday evening and wished her well. He reminded her that he would have his cell phone with him and on so she could reach him anytime. She had teased him that she didn’t want to call at a bad time if he was with Mac. He had raised his eyebrows and suggested that she can that line of thinking.
“Hey Harm...Sorry to keep you waiting.”
“It’s okay.”
“Here let me take something...”
He handed Mac one of the take out bags so that he could let his overnight bag slide off his shoulder onto the floor.
“I tried to get a good variety...”
“...like we use to.” Mac finished his sentence. They paused and looked at each other and shared a smile.
“Hungry?”
“Yeah.”
“Then let’s eat.”
Mac have expected to find Chinese food as they often use to get that for take out. Only as she opened the bags she discovered it was a true variety. There were stuffed shells, eggplant Parmesan, chicken enchiladas, burritos, nachoes, tossed salad, spare ribs, beef teriyaki, egg rolls, and fortune cookies.
“Harm, you must have ordered at three different restaurants. What were you thinking?”
“That I wanted to give you choices.”
“Somehow I think choice has more to do with this talk then with the menu, doesn’t it?”
“Not now...” Harm grinned at Mac as he started to fill his plate.
She shook her head and did the same. She got them each a diet soda as they settled at her dining room table.
After a few bites, Mac looked at Harm and blurted out, “So what did you want to talk about?”
“I’m sorry Mac...I thought you wanted to eat.”
“I did...I do...”
“But its driving you crazy?”
“Yes.”
“Then go ahead and eat and I’ll start talking...how’s that?”
Mac nodded and took another bite of an enchilada without taking her eyes off of Harm.
“I got to thinking when we were at lunch for Coates, the other day. We all had the same fortune, didn’t we?” Mac nodded and Harm went on. “Well, I got to thinking about what would have happened if we had gotten married after Australia. It was like a light came on. I guess deep down I always knew I wasn’t ready to make the kind of commitment that you deserved to have...but I also thought that when the time was right it would just happen.”
“Love is never enough, Harm...although it’s a good thing to have.”
“Well, I got to thinking, that love might be enough but not when the person you love is taken for granted. You have to show the person how you feel and tell them what you’re thinking.”
“It helps...”
“Mac, I can’t explain why I have always said things without thinking how they would make you feel or that they were not sending the messages I wanted to send. I was wrong to just assume that it would just happen because it was what I saw as our destiny.”
“You really saw us being together as our destiny?”
“Yeah...that’s why I made the baby deal with you. I figured in five years I would be at a point in my career where I could afford a family and could make the choice to stay in or get out. I knew that the chances of me flying past forty was slim even if I had returned to active flight status permanently.”
“Harm...”
“Yes?”
“Have all these ideas been in your head all along?”
“Sort of...but I not sure they were in a form I could express them.”
“And that’s why when I would ask you a question and push for an answer you’d just freeze?”
Harm nodded as he released a deep sigh. “Mac, I don’t want to play games anymore; the only dancing I want to do is with you in my arms and the music playing; I told you already that I love you and have for a long time...but I also know that I needed to learn to understand how I think and who I am before I could understand you, or Mattie or anyone.”
“Harm...”
“Mac, I asked you today if you had seen John Farrow recently because in one of my dreams you were leaving me to marry him because I couldn’t commit and I couldn’t grow up. I realized that John was more of a threat to me in some ways because he is a really good person and he would love you and take care of you...but I couldn’t see him wanting to start a family at his age...and I know how much you want a family. We both do.”
“Harm...”
“Yes?”
“John is not a threat to you.”
“What about Webb?”
“Webb isn’t a threat either.”
“But I thought...”
“Harm I got involved with him because I thought you didn’t want me and because I thought maybe he could give me the family I wanted...I know now that Clay isn’t for me...he knows it too. He’s still a friend, Harm. We’ve been through a lot together...”
“I know...and like I said the other night, maybe the time will come where we can get together once in awhile for dinner or something.” Mac nodded and tipped her head to one side as she studied the handsome man that sat at her table, food forgotten as he bared his soul to her.
“Mac...I don’t want to rush you or pressure you. If you need time to think about things I will wait and give you as much time as you need. But I can’t take it anymore, Mac. I need tell you exactly what I want and I need to stop playing this game of ‘what if’ that’s going on in my head.”
“I know.”
Harm stood up from the table and took Mac’s hand pulling her to her feet and into his arms. He looked into her eyes and tried to read what was there.
“Mac, I want to marry you and spend my life with you. I want to make love to you and have you make love to me. I want us to buy a house and have a baby and add to our family. I want to grow old with you and watch our children marry and have babies of their own. I want to make-up after we fight because we’re both to passionate and head strong not to have some fights along the way. I want to cry in your arms when I need to and hold you when you need to cry too. Do you think that you might want that too someday?”
“Yes...”
“I’ll wait as long as you need...did you said yes?”
Mac smiled and nodded her head as she slid her arms around Harms neck and pulled his head toward her where she could reach his lips. Harm smiled and then wrapped her tightly in his arms as their lips met in a kiss that held more passion and meaning then either of them had experienced before.
When Mac pulled away she led Harm to the couch and curled herself up in his lap and wrapped his arms around her. Resting her head against his she asked, “Did you ever picture our wedding?”
“Yes...and the honeymoon.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Traditional wedding, me in dress whites, probably at Annapolis, arch of swords afterward, you in a beautiful white gown...our friends and family...not huge but enough to give a party atmosphere for the reception...honeymoon in the Bahamas or some other tropical paradise...”
“Wow, you have given it a lot of thought.”
“Yeah, but it didn’t all come together so I could express it until recently. And that’s my vision. It should be our vision...something we both want.”
“It sounds perfect.”
Harm and Mac talked long into the night taking turns telling the other the hopes and fears they had experienced over the eight years since they had met. Talking about options they could consider regarding their careers at JAG and when they should break the news to everyone.
“Harm, I have very mixed emotions about this. Going from hardly speaking to planning a wedding may take some doing for people to accept. Would you mind if we kept this between ourselves - and maybe Mattie for now. We could start by dating in public and let people see that we’ve decided to accept that we have something special. Then in maybe a month or two we could announce to everyone that we’ve decided to get married...would you mind?”
“That’s fine...Mac?”
“Yes?”
“Can we go shopping for an engagement ring tomorrow?”
“I’d like that. I figured you’d have an heirloom ring or would go get something you thought I’d like just to show me how well you know me.”
“Aahhh...but I am. I’m including you in the shopping trip because I know that you’d like a say...but I’d like to show you some rings that I’ve been looking at and the one I think you would pick.”
“Harm, did you talk to Mattie about your plans?”
“Sort of...she weaseled a few things out of me somehow...she said if you tried to use her as a reason not to marry me I was to tell you she is in favor of us getting together.”
“She’s a smart girl.”
“Yes she is.”
Harm began kissing her neck and her ear. He let his hands slide up and down her arms. Mac stood up and pulled him up to her.
“I think it time we took the next step.”
Harm followed her into her room and shut the door. Tonight they would make love as two equal participants. Both had things to work on, but the most important hurdle was getting on the same road and mapping out their destiny. It looked like they were finally on the same road heading for the same things.
Epilogue
They found the ring the next day. Mac had picked out a ring and Harm had asked the clerk to show her the one he had put a deposit on...it was the same ring.
They called Annapolis and found that the chapel was available on Friday evening July 2, 2004. The booked the chapel and called the Admiral to request leave and inform him of their pending change in status.
They booked the restaurant on the waterfront not far from the chapel for their reception and they made their guest lists. They chose to limit the guest list to thirty people, wanting to keep it fairly intimate and private.
They announced their engagement just before Easter.
In May the Admiral announced his retirement and speculation as to the new JAG went wild. His terminal leave would begin in July when the interim JAG could take over - Commander Harmon Rabb upon returning from his honeymoon would resume the duties until the new JAG was available.
They found a house in Falls Church and started fixing it up.
They chose not to register anywhere and instead indicated that they would appreciate everyone pitching in when it came time to help them move.
Mattie returned to live with her father in June after school got out but Tom and Mattie were frequent visitors at Harm and Mac’s. Mattie also called them often to talking things out.
After the wedding Harm and Mac enjoyed dinner and dancing at the restaurant on the waterfront and then made their escape before 2200 to catch the flight that would take them to the Bahamas for a week of sun and fun.
They returned to their new house and moved in even though they were still working on it. In September, Mac informed Harm that they needed to finish the nursery next.
In October, they were told that Harm was being promoted to Captain and his new assignment would be with the Secretary of the Navy. His office would be at the Pentagon. A new JAG would be arriving in November and after a week to transition, Harm would assume his new duties while waiting for his Captains bars.
In November, Mac decided to apply for terminal leave when they discovered she was carrying twins. Harm had suggested she might want to start by reserving her commission, but Mac had informed him she was ready to focus on being a mom and wife. If she felt the need to work she would start her own practice or do some pro bono work.
Harm and Mac welcomed 2005 with hearts full of love and the anticipation of welcoming their twins. Girls would be named Hannah and Heidi. Boys would be named Max and Zach. One of each would be named by who was born first...Hannah and Zach or Max and Heidi.
Harm and Mac were glad that had finally agreed to take the road.
The End